Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: Thanks for the wonderful reviews. I promise some happy GSR is coming soon. Before Jace's funeral. :) In the next chapter or two. Cross my heart.

Chapter Eighty One:

I finally got through to Jace's boss the next day… and when I explained that though the man had not taken the money, the crime lab was unlikely to release it, he was more than understanding. I tried to set up a payment plan—I could make a good deal of money working as a consultant for a big-name defense attorney, catching Crime Labs making small mistakes that would cost them convictions… even if it meant I'd be selling my soul in the process. Not only did the man insist that he would accept nothing of the sort—he had his connections with the Boston Crime Lab and was confident that he could get most of it back, once they were finished processing and documenting—he suggested, once I explained the twisted mechanisms which had brought Jace and I to this place, that I sue Jace's old company for forcing Jace to make the shady deal in the first place. Sue them for the wages Ayla and I wouldn't be receiving, and the benefits, and the personal heartache with involved in the loss.

…I couldn't see myself doing any such thing, but the kindness in the man's voice—suggesting I use a company lawyer, free of charge, to take my case—and genuine sincerity when he told me he was sorry for my loss… I felt an extreme weight lift off me.

I mean, it might have been in large part because I would no longer owe the man just around nine million dollars, but the sentiment was genuinely moving as well.

When I got off the phone, Gil was already in the kitchen, finishing the pancakes I'd abandoned as soon as the clock on the microwave had indicated that it was eight thirty and I thought I stood a chance of finding Jace's old boss in the office. I was uncomfortable seeing him after the previous night—he'd been asleep with Ayla on his chest when I'd finally emerged from the burning shower with a somewhat clearer head. The sight of him curled up with my baby brought tears to my eyes and I'd been grateful that I could crawl in with him without him knowing. I had scooted close, though not enough to wake him, grateful for his presence and too exhausted at this point to feel guilty for that, though I knew it would come in the morning.

I hadn't slept, and had gotten up around five when the guilt I'd predicted started to creep in with the morning sunlight. I had spent the morning scrubbing down the house, because it calmed me, and by the time I'd started the pancakes, I knew exactly what I was going to say to Jace's boss. I couldn't have imagined things would go so well.

And yet, as soon as I was off the phone, I was so nervous that I made a fool of myself. It took a minute to regain composure, but I forced myself to move into the kitchen to simply tell Gil that I was sorry for the previous night and that I understood why he hadn't let me do what I wanted, but either way, it couldn't happen again. Ayla, however, captured my attention first… and asked about Jace.

Watching Gil step up when I could not—when the tears burned my eyes and the words stuck in my throat—telling her about Daddy having owies and going buh-bye to heaven… I fell more deeply in love with him than ever. He would be such a wonderful father and I already knew what a wonderful man he was. My guilt grew exponentially. I opened my mouth, again intending to discuss the previous night… this time to tell him that, in lieu of what had happened, I didn't think it was a good idea that we stay in the same house. The problem was, I couldn't stand the idea of him leaving… I would fall apart. As much as I hated myself and him for it, I needed him here to keep me together and to take care of my Ayla…

I ran from the room, not ready to confront all of this yet.

It felt like I was always doing that—running from him. Running away from everything on my plate and running away from the emotions I couldn't handle. It was just too much to stomach and…

A knock on the door stopped my train of thought. I held my breath, wondering who it could be this early… and when I heard my father-in-law's voice from the front of the house, with Gil's meeting it a moment later… I knew I couldn't leave him out there to deal with whatever was happening now, even though I sincerely wanted to lock the door and bury my head in my pillows.

I wiped at my face, my cheeks raw from the excessive amount of crying I had given in to since Ayla had been kidnapped, straightened the t-shirt and pajama bottoms I had put on after my shower the night before, and forced myself out of my bedroom and back into the fray.

Everyone was there. Jace's entire family, sans Suzanne. Ayla was picking up pieces of pancake and piling them into her mouth, while Grissom stood there uncertainly, meeting my gaze and silently beseeching me for help. I swallowed, knowing how uncomfortable this was for him, and addressed Jace's father. "…Hi."

He gave me a warm smile, which told me that he didn't know who Gil was… which told me that Suzanne wasn't talking. They probably didn't know why she had really tried to kill herself…they didn't know anything. "Hey, honey." He moved forward, tucking me against his body in a warm embrace. "I'm so sorry we haven't been around. Between everything happening with Anne and then Jace… we know we should have been here, helping you out with Ayla. How are you doing?"

The truth was that I was barely coping and I knew that as much was obvious just from my appearance, but I nodded against his shoulder anyway. "…I'm okay."

He shook his head as he pulled back, knowing that it wasn't true. "No, you're not. And listen, Anne told us about Jace taking all the money you guys had to try to get our little Ayla back… we'll take care of his funeral, okay?"

I shook my head this time. "No… Jace had a life-insurance policy. I mean, it wasn't very big… we thought we were being over-careful… but it should take care of the funeral costs, at least…"

"No," he said firmly. "You aren't working full time and with Jace's death you and Ayla are out medical insurance… we're taking care of the funeral, and you keep the money for you and Ayla. That's what it's there for. …And if you need any more than that, you just let us know, okay? We're still family… I already lost a son, I don't want to lose a daughter too."

I felt tears coming again, and I didn't know what to do with his words… he wouldn't think that when he knew that for a year and a half of Jace and I's short marriage I had wanted to divorce him, take his child, and go be with another man… a man who was also the student his wife had left him to seduce, years and years previous. I swallowed and nodded, because what else could I do?

He gave me a hug. "Listen… why don't you take a day to sleep and relax, okay? I'm going to meet with someone about funeral arrangements… Do you two have a burial plot or do you want us to fly him out to the family plot—which, of course, we'll save a spot beside him for you, honey—in San Francisco or…?"

I swallowed. I felt dizzy with the thought. "…We don't… we don't have anything. The family plot…"

"Okay." He kissed my forehead. "I'll make all the arrangements… will you friend need a flight as well?" He turned to Gil. "Anne told me that you were a forensics colleague of Sara's and that you flew out to help find Ayla… I can't begin to describe the gratitude our family feels for you. We'd be more than happy to fly you out there or to fly you home…"

"No," Gil shook his head, his eyes wide at the prospect of Susan and her husband paying for anything for him. "No, I, uh… I'll take care of it. Thank you though." I could tell by his expression that he was surprised at how kind the man was, compared to how awful his wife was.

He smiled at Gil and nodded, "Well, if you change your mind… Sara," he said, looking back to me. "Why don't you let the girls take Ayla for the day? You can get some rest, deal with whatever you need to…" I was already nodding, thinking that I could start sorting through the house Ayla and I couldn't afford anymore and call a realtor to sell it, "…and they can take Ayla to see Grandma Anne. She's been so worried about her."

Then I was shaking my head, trembling, uncertain how to tell him that while I loved him and would allow Ayla's aunts to spend time with her, that woman was never, ever to see my child again. Gil stepped in. "You know, I've kind of been taking care of Ayla so that Sara can grieve and manage their affairs, and I've noticed that if Ayla is out of sight too long, she gets really worried… almost like she's having an anxiety attack. I really think it's too soon for Ayla to be away all day."

"Oh," Jace's father said, his face displaying remorse that this hadn't occurred to him first. Another stab of guilt. "I should have realized… I'm so sorry, Sara, of course. …Well, maybe the girls could stay for a while anyway? …They missed Ayla and I'm sure Gil could use a rest as well."

I nodded then, wiping at my tears, and he gave me another hug, saying goodbye and hurrying from the room. Each of Jace's sisters came to hug me, in turn, and I returned the hug before sighing heavily. "He's right… I've got a lot of things to think about now. Are you sure you guys don't mind playing with her here?"

And when I was assured that that was exactly what they wanted, I nodded and retreated to my bedroom, feeling guilty for leaving Gil with them but also needing to address something else I hadn't thought of, which Jace's father had pointed out—no more medical insurance via Jace's company. I needed a prescription filled and Ayla needed regular care. There was just so much to do and I really wasn't sure how I was going to handle any of it.

I made some calls—there would be a realtor coming later in the day to take pictures of the house and to do a market analysis. I spoke to our insurance company and discovered that Ayla and I would be covered until the end of the month, which was a small miracle. I spoke to someone about Jace's life insurance and I called a friend of Jace's who worked at a car dealership in town about selling all but the oldest vehicle. After Jace's funeral, I would have to come pack up and go apartment hunting, but as long as I could find a place and sell everything within the month, I figured we'd be okay. The University, which had just rehired me after my PPD caused me to get fired, would surely have heard about this on the news… there was every reason to believe they knew why I hadn't been reachable and that I would still have a job when I managed to deal with all of this.

I went back out into the main area to find that Gil had left the girls with Ayla and retreated to Jace's room. I made myself a bowl of cereal while the girls played with her, and was relieved when Ayla started getting sleepy and I was able to politely say I'd feed her and put her down and could they let themselves out? It wasn't that I hated them or didn't want them to see her, but they made me nervous and if I didn't have anything I planned to take care of this moment… I would prefer them to go.

And once they had left, I hesitated outside Jace's room before sighing and turning towards mine. Once inside I pulled off my t-shirt which was less than conducive to nursing and leaned back against the headboard, letting Ayla take a breast in her mouth while I closed my eyes in exhaustion. It had been a long time since I'd gone a night without sleep—my antidepressants had had the unexpected side effect of all but curing my insomnia—but now that my body wasn't used to it, it was hitting me hard. I sighed deeply, not meaning to sleep, but to just take a quiet moment to myself while Ayla nursed. I wondered what Gil was doing in Jace's room… I wondered if he knew Jace's sisters were gone. I wondered if he were thinking about me and what he thought of our encounter the night before and I wondered what would have happened if I had left the cruise ship with Gil rather than Jace…

I fell asleep, feeling guilty and yet still indulging in imagining a life where Jace was alive, Ayla had never been kidnapped, but in which the two had never met and Ayla called Gil 'Dada' instead.