-.-.-.-
Chapter 5/7
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-.-.-.-
The plan was this…
The Avengers, plus Loki, who would be shape shifted to look like Steve, would turn up and meet King Harrund and his delightful daughter, and announce that 'Steve' had relented and would in fact marry the princess.
They would go back to Nidavellir, and inevitably Loki would run his mouth off, say some shit to the princess that would make her bawl her eyes out, and she would run to daddy and tell him about the awful Midgardian.
Wedding cancelled. They all go home and have a hot tub party.
That last part might have just been Tony's plan.
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
"Absolutely not!" Loki shrieked, when the plan was explained to him. "What if she wants sex before the wedding? Have you ever seen what a Dwarf keeps between its legs?"
"Um… I'm gonna say no on that one," Tony replied.
"Have you ever seen nether regions so dirty it looks like they are growing moss?" Loki asked.
"Ew, no!"
"You've plainly never been to Nidavellir," Loki replied.
"Look, it's not gonna come to that," Tony said, taking hold of Loki's shoulders. "No one is expecting you to really marry her, and this way, if it does turn into a fight, at least it'll be a fight on their planet and not ours."
"You promise me that?" Loki asked quietly. "I will not be expected to marry her?"
"Absolutely. You just be yourself and the wedding will be off in no time," Tony replied.
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
"You really think this plan will work," Bruce asked later that evening, as he sat with Tony in the main living room of the tower, nursing a beer.
"It was your plan," Tony pointed out, running his finger over the cold bottle and watching the condensation bead until it formed drips that ran down the side.
"I really didn't think anyone would take it seriously," Bruce replied. "Did Loki agree to it in the end?"
"He wasn't very happy about it, but yup, he's gonna do it."
"Do you think he will be able to offend the Princess enough?"
Tony sighed, and then let out a small laugh. "I think we both know the answer to that one, Bruce."
"And you think he'll be able to stick to the plan?" Bruce asked. "He isn't gonna decide half way though that he wants to be King?"
"I'll admit Loki is a little… skittish at times," Tony said with a shrug, "But I think he'll be fine."
"Skittish?" Bruce asked, raising an eyebrow. "That's not exactly the word I'd use."
"Flighty?" Tony asked.
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'insane'" Bruce said. "Have you thought about maybe trying to get him into therapy, now that he's staying here?"
Tony looked up, his brow creasing, and asked, "You think he needs therapy?"
"Well, if you don't think he needs therapy, maybe you need therapy," Bruce said with a smile.
"Maybe I do," Tony said, as he playfully batted Bruce on the arm. "Maybe I do."
Tony drained the last of his beer, and slid off his bar stool. "If you'll excuse me, I'm off to spend some quality time with my husband."
Bruce tipped his bottle in goodbye, and as the elevator doors opened, and he stepped inside, Tony stuck his head back round the door and said, "I totally meant sex there, by the way."
"I never thought anything else," Bruce laughed as the doors slid shut.
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
"What time is it?" Loki asked, as he laid curled around Tony, the words tickling the tiny hairs on the back of his neck.
"Almost 9.30," Tony replied. "We should get up soon."
Loki let out a whining sound, like a teenager being told to get up for school. He tightened his arms around Tony's waist and said, "I do not wish to leave. Perhaps we should just stay here. If the Dwarves attack then let the realm burn around us."
"As much as I'd love to do that babe, yeah, no. Not gonna happen," Tony said, as he wriggled free of Loki's arms and turned over so they were facing each other.
He brushed a stray lock of hair off Loki's face and kissed his forehead. "Everything is going to be fine."
"That is easy for you to say," Loki huffed. "You aren't the one who might end up balls deep in something that smells like a midden by the end of the day."
"Not going to happen."
"How can you be so sure?" Loki asked.
"I trust you, and I know you can do this," Tony replied, as he pulled Loki to his chest. "Everything is going to be fine, just you wait and see."
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
The Avengers assembled in the Quinjet hanger near the top of the tower, and as Clint and Natasha ran pre flight checks, Steve turned to Loki and said, "Come on then, lets see your party piece."
"My what?" Loki asked.
"I wanna see how you turn into me."
"Ah, it is a simple illusion," Loki replied. "I will set the spell to continue for three days, which should be ample time to complete our plans."
A green glow flickered across Loki, moving downwards from his head, until Steve was face to face with himself.
"What the hell?" Steve asked, and then he clutched at his throat. "My voice! What happened to my voice?"
"Er, I think you should look down, Cap," Tony replied.
Steve held his hands up and stared at them, and then down at his long black leather Asgardian coat. "I'm you?" he shrieked.
Cap, sorry, Loki… Wow, Tony was having a hard time getting his head round that one. Technically he was now married to Steve, except he wasn't 'cause Loki was Steve and Steve was Loki… or something. So was he married to Loki or Steve and who was he supposed to sleep with tonight?
Wow. Confusing.
Especially with a mild hangover.
"Isn't this wonderful?" Cap-who-was-actually-Loki said, as he strutted across the room, and raised his fist. "Why, I feel the sudden urge to fight for liberty and justice. To champion the weak and the poor! To fight for the common man!"
"This is never going to work," Actual-Steve, suddenly announced. "He's nothing like me. I am not that... self righteous."
"I dunno, Cap. Seems bang on to me," Tony said, as a Bald Eagle suddenly appeared on Loki's outstretched arm.
"And why exactly am I you?" Steve asked.
"It might be a bit confusing if there were two Captains," Loki replied, as he petted the bird's head.
"It's not so bad, Steve," Tony said, as he ran his eyes over Loki-who-was-actually-Steve's body, and playfully said, "You look really nice like that."
Steve took a step back and eyed Tony furiously. "Touch me and I'll kill you."
"Oh, you've gotten into character too," Tony laughed.
Natasha appeared at the back hatch of the Quinjet, and said, "We're ready whenever you are."
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
The Dwarves were already assembled in the street, guarded by dozens of SHIELD agents, when the Quinjet touched down, and the back hatch opened.
The king, who was stood next to Fury, walked over the jet, and as Tony approached, he said, "You will not be needing your vehicle. It is but a short walk from the portal site to the palace."
"We have a lot of luggage," Tony replied.
The king peered inside the Jet and then winced. "Loki, I did not expect you would be travelling among this group."
Tony turned to see Steve, staring straight ahead, and Thor nudged him in the knee.
"Oh… OH!" Steve exclaimed. "I often travel with my brother… verily."
The king sighed, and said, "Thor, I expect you will see that he behaves."
"I will indeed, your highness," Thor replied with a polite nod.
"Very well then, you can bring your vehicle," the king sighed. "I will inform my army that you will be following me into the portal and they should hold their positions until you are through."
Tony walked back up the ramp and pressed the button to close the back hatch.
He turned to Steve and said, "Verily? Really?"
Steve shrugged his shoulders in response.
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
Nidavellir… Well, it wasn't exactly what Tony had expected. He'd heard Asgard was beautiful, with a tall golden palace surrounded by waterfalls and gardens, but Nidavellir looked like it was still stuck in the middle of the industrial revolution.
Smoke and steam poured from the ground through massive grates that were randomly dotted around the enormous courtyard of a red stone building that was built into a huge craggy rock face. High walls surrounded the courtyard and in the distance Tony could see mountain peaks topped with snow.
The Quinjet had exited the portal next to the palace, and as they walked out of the back hatch they were met by Lord Gimum, who directed them through the massive wooden doors of the building.
"Why do I feel like I've been transported back to the 1800's?" Tony asked, as the walked through the oppressively warm corridors.
"The Dwarves have huge blast furnaces in the ground beneath the palace," Loki pointed out. "It is where they craft their weapons."
"So it's going to be this humid all the time?" Steve asked, pulling uncomfortably at the neck of the thick leather Asgardian outfit.
"Aye," Thor replied. "The forges are in constant use, but our sleeping quarters will have large windows and should be cooler in the evening."
As Gimum lead the way, a small group of Dwarves approached, walking down the long corridor.
As they passed, Loki turned to Tony and said, "You must feel at home here. Finally among people of your own height."
"Oh ha ha. Laugh it up, why don't you?" Tony replied.
Loki smirked, and then turned as he heard a surprised shout from Steve behind him.
"That guy just spit on me!" Steve shrieked, pointing at one of the Dwarves who was trotting away down the corridor.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Loki said quietly, as he drew alongside him. "The Dwarves don't like me very much. Did I not tell you that?"
"No you didn't!" Steve exclaimed. "If you knew they don't like you, why did you make me look like you?"
Loki grinned, and said, "Just a little fun, to make the time that we must spend on this wretched world pass more quickly."
Gimum came to stop outside a large set of doors. "Lady Romanoff, these will be your quarters. A hand maiden awaits you inside. The king would like you all to attend a feast tonight, so she will furnish you with appropriate attire."
"I've… never had a servant before, but here goes," Natasha replied.
"You and your companions have been furnished with adjoining suites, so you need not worry about feeling lonely," Gimum said.
Natasha pushed open the large door, and said, "See you at dinner, guys."
At the next set of doors they paused again. "Mister Barton and Mister Banner, this is your suite. You both have separate bedrooms, but I trust you do not mind sharing?"
"Fine by me," Bruce said with a shrug.
"Just don't hog the bathroom and we'll be fine," Clint said, as he pushed the doors open.
At the next door Gimum turned to Tony and Steve. "Now, this is a rather strange and delicate matter, but I understand you are a married couple?"
"We are?" Steve asked, and Tony coughed. "Yes, we are."
Gimum cast a glance at Steve, and then said to Tony, "You seem like an intelligent man, Mr Stark, so I cannot understand how you ended up with this one."
"Hey, hey," Tony objected. "Don't insult my husband!"
"I apologise," Gimum said stiltedly. "As you are married, it is only appropriate that you share a room, no matter how distasteful we find it. These will be your quarters, and Thor, you and Captain Rogers will unfortunately have to share for tonight."
"Oh…" Tony mumbled, casting a sidelong glance at Steve, who looked equally unimpressed. He turned to Thor and Loki, and said, "I guess we'll see you guys later."
Steve opened the door and walked inside. Tony followed him and looked around the impressive room as Steve opened the other doors, before finally turning with a shocked look on his face.
"What's up?" Tony asked.
"There's only one bedroom."
"Not a big deal," Tony replied. "Or do you snore?"
"There's only one bed," Steve said.
Tony gasped mockingly, and said, "Oh noooo, and I didn't pack pyjamas."
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
Tony had an enjoyable evening watching Steve being all nervous about being in Loki's body, and could barely stop himself laughing as the Captain sat, looking increasingly uncomfortable.
"What's up with you?" Tony had asked, as Steve crossed and uncrossed his legs for the third time.
"I need the bathroom," he replied.
"It's right there," Tony replied, pointing towards the extravagant chamber.
Steve sighed and said, "I don't want to pee with another man's… you know. I respect Loki's privacy."
"Privacy?" Tony asked. "Most of the world saw him half naked during that last attack on the tower, so I'm pretty sure he won't mind."
"It just creeps me out is all."
"Steve, I'm pretty sure Loki is in the other room now having the time of his life in your body, so go pee."
"Oh thanks," Steve replied. "That's really helpful."
Steve eventually peed an hour later.
And then a knock at the door came and servant announced the feast would begin shortly and he would escort them to the banqueting hall, which cheered Tony up because he would get to see Loki, and upset Steve because he would get to see Loki.
-.-.-.-
When they arrived at the banqueting hall Loki was already there, sat next to the Princess, and looking thoroughly miserable. Tony was desperate to sit next to him, but was disappointed to find himself two chairs away, with Steve and Thor between them.
"So, my friends, what do you think of our marvellous palace?" Harrund asked as the meal was served from giant platters, heaped with steaming piles of sliced meats.
"It's amazing," Bruce answered. "I'd love a chance to see your forges while we're here. Thor told us a lot about them."
"I shall arrange it for after the wedding," Harrund said. "I suppose you would like to accompany him on this tour, Stark? I have heard you are quite the craftsmen yourself."
"I'd love to," Tony replied, and then out of the corner of his eye he saw Loki jump, and the princess giggled, one hand beneath the table.
Tony's blood boiled at the thought of the princess's no doubt filthy hands all over his fastidiously clean husband, and he wanted to jump up and drag her away, but before he could stand, Loki took hold of her hand and placed it back on the table, as he said, "Now, now, dear. We must wait till after the wedding."
"Of course, my love," Dulvina said, and she smiled brightly.
Loki looked aghast for a second, and then said, "My goodness. I have heard that Dwarves are renowned around all the realms for the inventions and craftsman ship, but it appears you have not mastered the simple art of creating a toothbrush?"
Tony grinned. This was it. The plan was going to work, but then the princess leaned back in her seat and let out a loud laugh.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
"Oh, Captain Rogers," she said, "You are most amusing."
Loki turned his head and looked down the table, his eyes wide and his mouth open, and Tony could do nothing but stare back, equally shocked.
Loki turned back, smiled at the princess nervously and said, "It is wonderful that you find me amusing, princess. I assume that means I will have to put up with hearing you laugh like a ridiculous braying ass for the rest of our long marriage."
The princess threw her head back again and laughed, then snaked her hand down beneath the table.
Loki let out an indignant squeak and shot up out of his chair, the legs screeching as they moved across the hard stone flooring. "If you'll excuse me, your highness, I'm suddenly feeling a little unwell."
As Loki scuttled from the hall with his hand over his mouth, the king looked at the Avengers and asked, "Is Captain Rogers ill?"
"Probably just pre-wedding nerves," Tony said, as he stood. "I'll go check on him."
-.-.-.-
It didn't take Tony long to track Loki down, and he found him sitting in one of the bedrooms of the suite he was sharing with Thor, with his head in his hands.
"Hey, are you OK?" Tony asked as he edged into the room.
"Of course I'm not OK," Loki shrieked. "That woman put her filthy hands on me. Did you see them? You could have grown potatoes in the dirt under her fingernails!"
"Shhhhhh," Tony hushed as he placed his hands on Loki's shoulders and started kneading the tight flesh. "Everything will be OK."
"How can you say that?" Loki shouted, elbowing Tony away. "You saw her. I insulted her twice and she found it amusing." Loki paced the room wildly for a moment, and then turned, pointing a finger at Tony. "This is all Banner's fault. This ridiculous plan was his idea. I'm going to kill him."
"Loki, you know you can't kill the Hulk."
"Well at the very least he is getting set on fire at the first opportunity," he snapped, then he raised a finger to his chin. "Perhaps I can push him into one of the forges. I doubt even the Hulk could survive being coated in molten Uru."
"Can we please not kill Bruce," Tony said, and when he saw the look of fury on Loki's face he raised his hands and said, "Just for now."
Loki's face crumpled from anger to frustration as he started brushing his hands frantically down the front of his trousers. "I can still feel that vile woman's hands all over me."
Tony held his hand out. "Come on, come sit back down here."
Loki hesitated for a moment and then took Tony's hand, allowing himself to be guided to the bed. "Do you have something in mind to make me feel better?" he practically purred.
"Well, I was kinda thinking we could share a bath, but if you have other ideas then may-"
Loki interrupted him, placing a finger to Tony's lips, and said, "Shut up, Stark, and take off your trousers."
-.-.-.-
"You're leaving this on?" Tony had asked, when Loki had transformed back to his own body, but left the Captain America uniform on.
"I'm rather fond of it," Loki nodded as he pulled Tony on top of him. "Don't you think it suits me?"
"It's a bit tight," Tony said as he moved down between Loki's legs. "Clingy… It makes me want to eat your skinny little chicken legs."
Loki let out a shrieking laugh as Tony playfully sank his teeth into his inner thigh.
-.-.-.-
So they went for it, mindful that anyone could walk in at any time and oh no the plan would be blown and they'd probably end up with their heads chopped off, but it seemed a chance worth taking for a quickie.
They certainly hadn't planned to be interrupted by the high-pitched shrieks that Thor and Steve let out.
"Why are you in my suit?" Steve shouted.
"Why are you in my bed?" Thor shouted.
"Do you mind?" Loki screeched, as he pushed Tony's head away from his crotch and dragged the thin sheet over himself. "I'm trying to get my cock sucked here and you are ruining it."
"Not exactly great timing, guys," Tony coughed as he wiped his mouth.
"You left the door unlocked. Anyone could have walked in here," Steve pointed out. "What if someone saw you and realised there were two of us?"
Loki rolled his eyes and waved his hand. "The Dwarves know of my magical powers and know I am quite capable of casting shades of myself. They would not have been in the least bit surprised to find two of me in the palace."
"And why are you doing it in my bed when you have your own room next door?" Thor asked, exasperatedly.
"I just can't have anything nice for myself, can I?" Loki grumbled as he tucked himself away and then climbed out of the bed. "There you go, Thor. I hope you sleep well while I lay next door, suffering from blue balls!"
Loki stormed out of the room, slamming the door loudly, and Steve turned to Tony and said, "We should get some sleep. The king wants to meet us all for breakfast, since you two left dinner."
"OK," Tony sighed, as he picked up his trousers and allowed Steve to steer him out of the room.
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
Breakfast was a reasonably peaceful affair, although slightly awkward since Steve was in a pissy mood with Tony because he had woken up to find him spooning his back with an arm tight around his waist and his crotch uncomfortably close to his ass.
"I should have guessed it really," Tony said. "A guy from the 40's is obviously going to be so homophobic that he'll misconstrue a little a snuggling."
"I'm not homophobic… I'm Tonyphobic," Steve had shouted back. "And you had a hard on!"
-.-.-.-
To break the silence the king cleared his throat and said, "I have excellent news. The plans are complete and the wedding will be held tomorrow morning."
"Tomorrow?" Loki & Tony both shrieked at the same time.
"Why so soon?" Thor asked.
"Why not?" the king asked. "I am sure you all have busy lives to get back to, and Captain Rogers is not getting any younger."
"But surely there are still plans to be made?" Loki asked desperately. "You cannot have planned a whole wedding in a matter of hours."
"Good Captain," the king scowled. "Plans have been underway since the moment you scuttled off through that portal, pursued by the palace guards. Tomorrow is the date of the wedding and you will attend."
-.-.-.-
"You promised me!" Loki shrieked, the moment they arrived back at their rooms. "You promised me I would not have to marry her, and look what is happening!"
"Calm down, OK," Tony said, as he ran his hands down Loki's upper arms. "You just haven't spent enough time with the princess to properly piss her off yet."
"What do you expect? Every time I go near her she starts pawing at me in a thoroughly disgusting fashion!"
"Look, why don't we have one last crack at it. We'll invite her for a nice little walk and you can really go to town on the insults, OK?"
"I am not going anywhere alone with that woman! She will likely drag me off into a dark alley and attempt to have her way with me!"
"I'll drag Steve along for protection. What could be more natural than two couples enjoying the morning sunshine?"
Loki sighed, and said, "Very well then, send the invitation, but if she touches me even once you will wish you had never been born, Stark."
-.-.-.-
"Isn't this lovely?" Tony asked, as they strolled through the palace gardens, enjoying the scents of the blossoming flowers. "Just two couples enjoying the morning sunshine."
"My step mother will be happy to hear that, Anthony, she toiled long and hard over the plans for this garden," Dulvina said, as she walked along beside Loki, and then snaked her hand down until she caught her hand in his and squeezed it gently.
"Oh, my dear," Loki replied as he lifted her hand. "Your hands are so calloused and pitted with dirt that anyone would think you planted these trees yourself and then did not wash them."
Dulvina smiled and said, "Oh, Captain, these trees have been here a hundred years."
"That was my point," Loki replied.
The princess pushed Loki in the chest playfully, and said, "I am so happy that my future husband has such a good sense of humour. I could not bear to stuck with a frightful dullard."
Loki paused in his stride, and replied, "Oh yes, but it is such a shame that I will not be afforded the same privilege."
Tony was shocked when the princess laughed and pushed Loki playfully once more. He turned to Steve, and quietly said, "This plan isn't going to work."
"Give him more time," Steve whispered.
Tony stopped and grabbed Steve by the arm. "It isn't working. We need a plan B."
"And what's that? Fight our way out?" Steve asked. "You've seen the Dwarves and their weapons. We wouldn't stand a chance."
"So we wait till dark, we load up the jet and we high tail it out of Dodge."
"You don't think they won't follow us right back to Earth?" Steve hissed. "Loki caused this problem and now it's up to him to cure it."
"And what if he ends up married to her? You think it's fair that he has to put up with her touching him all the time? Would you put up with that if it was Natasha who was getting pawed against her will?"
"Of course not," Steve snapped back.
"So why is it OK that it's happening to Loki?"
Steve pursed his lips and raised his hand to his brow for a moment. "Tony, I know it's wrong, but Loki caused this. What do you think will happen if we go back home and the Dwarves follow us?"
"We'll kick their asses all the way back here," Tony said defiantly.
"And say we do win yet another war caused by Loki. What will happen then?"
Tony took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Fury will want his head on a pike."
"Not just Fury. The public still hasn't forgotten what he did in New York with the Chitauri. All that good will he built up by helping us defeat Ultimo, and by helping us rescue the survivors on the Hellicarrier? That will be gone, and you won't be able to protect him."
Tony sighed. "I know, I know. You're right… But what the hell are we going to do Cap?"
"I honestly don't know, Tony, but we have to make sure Earth stays out of this at all costs."
Tony looked around for a second, and said, "Wait, where are they?"
"They were over by the trees just a minute ago," Steve replied, looking around.
"Loki?" Tony shouted, and then Steve elbowed him in the ribs. "I mean, Steve?"
"Over here," a muffled shout came, from just behind the tree line.
Tony ran as fast as he could towards the trees, following the sound of Loki's voice, when he finally spotted them.
Loki was pressed up against a tree, his hands wrapped tightly around the wrists of the princess, restraining her as she attempted to undo the zip of his uniform.
Tony grabbed her by the shoulder, pulling her roughly away, as he shouted, "Hey, get your hands off my... Captain."
"What are you doing, you commoner," Dulvina asked. "You dare to lay hands upon a princess?"
"Tony, Tony, don't," Steve said, as he arrived beside him.
"I-I was just protecting your honour," Tony said, stumbling over his words.
"My honour?" the Princess asked, and then she covered her mouth primly, and giggled. "I can assure you that my honour was long since lost, despite what my father thinks."
"I wasn't talking to you," Tony said.
The princess gasped, and looked at Loki. "Good captain. You mean to say you have kept your honour for your true love and know not the touch of another?"
Loki was red faced, his back pressed tightly against the tree as if he feared she still might pounce upon him at any minute. "I-I long ago took a vow to save myself for marriage. So that my first experience could be with my true love."
"Say no more, my precious Captain," She said, as she patted him gently on the chest. "I shall help you keep that vow. I shall not lay my hands upon you again."
Loki breathed a visible sigh of relief, then straightened up, pulling his uniform down. "I thank you, my lady."
Dulvina began to stroll back towards the palace, then paused, looked back over her shoulder and said, "Of course, after the wedding, you are all mine, and I promise you it will be a night to remember."
As the princess walked away, Steve turned to Tony, and said, "I'm not untouched."
Tony rolled his eyes. "After your performance this morning you could have fooled me."
"But I'm not untouched," Steve said, as Tony and Loki began to walk away, and he shouted after them, "Tony, I swear I've been touched!"
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
The king announced that the final night before the big wedding there would be a lavish banquet held in the feasting hall, and all were required to attend.
As Tony pulled on his shirt, smoothing out the wrinkles, and then buttoning it up, he turned to a despondent Loki, who was sat on the bed with his knees tucked up to his chest.
"Do you wanna try insulting me?" Tony asked. "Perhaps a few jibes about my hair or my height?"
"Why?" Loki asked sullenly, not looking up.
"Flex the old sarcasm muscles," Tony said, as he slipped a tie around his neck. "Get in shape to give that princess the roasting of her life."
"What would be the point?"
Tony sighed, sat on the bed, and placed his hand on the back of Loki's neck. "I know you're upset, but this is your last chance to upset her. If you're all mopey and miserable you aren't gonna be able to come up with the choice jibes I know you are capable of."
"I am capable of nothing," Loki stated flatly.
"Ah, come on," Tony said. "You are the only person I know who has actually made Fury cry. Like really cry."
Loki stifled a snort and said, "That was an amusing day."
"So you see?" Tony asked as he ran his fingers through Loki's hair. "Anyone who is capable of making Fury cry out of his eye patch can piss off a princess. Just do your best and you can't fail."
Loki turned his head and smiled gently as Tony wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug.
"Thank you," Loki whispered, as he wrapped his arms around Tony's chest and buried his face into his side.
Tony stooped to kiss the top of Loki's head, and said, "When all this is over, when we triumphantly ride back through that portal, me and you are going camping, and we are not coming home till every animal in that forest has watched us getting it on."
Loki laughed against Tony's shirt, and said, "I like that plan."
"Nothing can go wrong, babe. Me and you are gonna give those raccoons a hell of a show."
-.-.-.-
Except, of course, in the world of Tony Stark things can and usually do go wrong in spectacular clusterfuck fashion, and this was to be no different.
Whether it was getting blown up with his own bomb, being betrayed by his mentor, or being poisoned by the very equipment that was supposed to be saving his life, Tony sometimes wondered what the universe had against him. A lot, it seemed. Perhaps he had fucked the universe's husband or wife in a past life? That had to be it. It could be the only reason why everything kept going wrong in such an impressive way.
Tony had promised Loki that everything would be fine. Tony had promised Loki that he wouldn't end up married a woman who smelled like her hobby was rolling around in a cat litter tray.
Yeah, he was wrong. Loki was so getting married.
-.-.-.-
They had gone to the feasting hall and been shown to their seats by the palace servants, and as they waited for the royal family to arrive they chatted amongst themselves, drinking sweet red wine.
Some twenty minutes later, arriving fashionably late, the trumpets blared and everything went to shit.
"Your Lords and Ladies," Gimum announced, "Please bid you welcome, King Harrund, his beloved daughter, Princess Dulvina, and the Queen of Nidavellir, Ylva of the Vanir."
"No!" both Loki and Thor exclaimed at the same time.
"What is it?" Tony asked, as Loki drew in a sharp breath and looked down at the table.
"Queen Ylva is well known to us," Thor said solemnly. "She is part of the Hlatr tribe in the north of Vanaheim."
"And?" Tony asked. "What's so wrong with that?"
"The Hlatr tribe are famed for their sarcasm and their biting tongue. We have only ever visited there once. The trip did not end well."
"What happened?" Steve asked.
Loki suddenly raised his head, and angrily whispered, "I was as you say on Midgard, 'fighting them off with a stick!'"
"What?" Tony asked.
"They loved me, Tony. Apparently they thought I was hilarious, and 17 young women came to blows in the street as they fought over who would have the right to court me!"
"Wait, so your inability to open your mouth and not have a whole bunch of insults come out of it makes you a total catch there?"
"Apparently so," Loki spat. "And if Ylva has brought Dulvina up in such a fashion, then there is no wonder that she cannot keep her dirty hands off me!"
"Oh my god," Tony gasped. "The plan isn't going to work."
"No," Loki said. "The plan isn't going to work. I am going to have to marry that foul woman, and YOU!" Loki pointed at Bruce. "You had better prepare yourself for an extremely close up view of the forge!"
"Hey, I just came up with the stupid plan," Bruce said, holding his hands up. "I honestly thought Steve or Tony would come up with something better."
"Is it really that bad?" Tony asked asked Thor.
Thor paused a moment, and then said, "I believe it would be better if I slept in Bruce's room for the foreseeable future. Just to be on the safe side."
As the Princess sat at his side, Loki smiled weakly at her, and remained uncharacteristically silent for the rest of the evening.
-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-
It was some time in the early morning when Tony was disturbed from his pacing around the room, trying to come up with a new plan, by a knocking at his door. He hoped it was Loki, who had refused to speak to him after the feast, but instead he found Clint waiting out in the corridor.
"You need to come with me," Clint said. "We've got a problem."
-.-.-.-
"Oh no…" Tony groaned when he was lead to a prison cell and saw Loki sitting on the floor, close to the barred door. "What happened?"
"I attempted to leave, but obviously I was not very successful at it," Loki sniffed. "At least they did not attempt to skewer me this time, so I suppose that is a step in the right direction."
Tony sat down, cross legged in front of the cell door, and said, "So you just ran away?"
"What else was I supposed to do?" Loki asked. "I am going to be forcibly wed tomorrow. By this time in the evening she will likely have me tied to her bed with Uru chains!"
"But even if the ceremony happens it won't be legal cause you are already married to me," Tony pointed out, and then he noted the way Loki's face fell. Something definitely wasn't right here. "There's something you aren't telling me."
Loki hesitated, his lips going taut as contemplated his words, and finally he said, "I fear you will leave me if I speak the truth."
"Hey, come on, show me your real face, and let me talk to you properly," Tony said softy. "There's just you and me here, and I can't have this conversation with you looking like Steve."
Loki paused for a moment, and said, "Very well then," and allowed the illusion to fall.
"That's more like it," Tony said, then he quietly asked, "I'm not going anywhere, Loki. Why do you think I'll leave you?"
Loki dropped his head into his hands, and in a muffled voice said, "Because our marriage is a sham and you will never forgive me."
"Hey, hey," Tony said, snaking his hand between the bars and running a hand over Loki's shoulder. "I already know you tricked me into it and I don't care. I love you."
"We didn't have sex on our wedding night," Loki suddenly announced, as he looked up. "I lied to you when you asked me if it was consummated. I didn't want to have sex while you were that drunk, frankly it would have been a waste of time anyway, so we just kissed until you passed out."
"Okayyyyy," Tony said. "So in the grand scheme of things that doesn't really matte-"
"No, no it gets worse," Loki interrupted. "The paperwork is not real. I created it myself, and the wedding photo using magic. Tony, we aren't even married."
Tony sat back, pulling his hand out of cell. "What?"
"I made it all up. There was no ceremony. We never even left the hotel room. We aren't married, and now you will leave me," Loki said, slumping forward with his head in his hands as he started to cry, and then he sobbed, "And now my first marriage will be to a-a-a Dwarf."
Tony pushed his hand back through the bars again and grabbed Loki's shoulder. "Hey, hey, listen to me. None of that matters. I love you and I'm not going to leave. Hell, when we get back to New York we'll have the biggest, most lavish wedding the city has ever seen, and we'll take every single magazine deal we are offered."
Loki looked up, his eyes red and his nose running. Yup that was proper crying, not his usual fake shit, and then he asked, "You would do that for me? You would marry me again?"
"Yup, so if you play your cards right maybe your second marriage will be to a dwarf too."
Loki let out a soft laugh, as Tony ran a hand through his hair and said, "There ya go, there's my favourite space Viking. You know you're real pretty when you smile. Not so much when you cry… With all the snot, and the red nose."
Loki let out a laugh again, and rested his forehead against the bars near Tony's shoulders. "What are we going to do? Tomorrow, I mean."
"I dunno, Loki." Tony sighed. "I really don't know."