We were almost back to the TARDIS when my Dad appeared from around a corner and I jumped despite myself, which made the Doctor squeeze my hand tightly and my Dad flinch.

"Sorry," I managed to squeak out and he shook his head.

"I deserve it," he said before glancing between the Doctor and I. "Can I speak with you before you go?"

I sucked in a deep breath, looked at the Doctor and bravely untangled my fingers from his.

"We can talk while the Doctor takes the Leki spraĭtove to the TARDIS," I said and patted the Doctor reassuringly over his left heart. I wasn't sure who I was reassuring, but it must have been enough for the Doctor to give a stiff nod and start walking away. I turned back to my Dad and tried to figure out what he wanted me to say.

"I'm sorry Emma." My eyes went wide at his words. I hadn't been expecting that. "Your mother and I did wrong by you by holding on to the past for when things were better. And I know that we made it so that you hold onto the past because it was bad."

"But I also know that whatever damage we did to you together, I did more singlehandedly." He sucked in a deep breath. "I never intended on abandoning you. I just went for a walk, and then I didn't stop and then I was standing in America and I felt as if I could breathe for the first time. I wish I could say I looked back but I didn't."

"Are you asking for forgiveness?" I scraped out because I knew that I wouldn't be able to manage it. He shook his head.

"No. I just need to know what you think I should do." And I realized that he was asking me if he should go back to me. I started shaking my head immediately.

"Don't. Honestly don't. Even when my abandonment issues were at their worst I never wanted you to come back," I said and he nodded sadly. "I never would have trusted you ever again and it would have made everything worse."

"Did you ever have good memories with us?" I swallowed.

"Do you remember that summer we spent in that caravan?" He nodded. "That summer you both went two and a half months without a single fight and for that brief time I could see why you two fell in love with each other."

"And then we went home and ruined it for you," he said, and I nodded. The day after we'd gotten home, they'd had a fight and what little hope I'd managed to garner over that summer had quickly died.

"I hope that you and Marla are happy," I said and saying it only hurt a little bit.

"I'm glad that you and the Doctor are happy," he said. I blinked at him because phrased like that it sounded like we were in a romantic relationship, but before I could say anything he turned and walked away.

When I got to the TARDIS the Doctor was leaning faux casually against the door, hiding his anxiety from the remaining militia members, but he kind of gave himself away when he sprung forward the instant he saw me. I gave him my best smile.

"Let's leave."

"Ready and waiting," the Doctor promised and ushered me in. As soon as the door shut the rotor started moving.

"Remind me to call my therapist," I said as we walked into the console room properly. "Though I have no idea what I'm going to say."

"Emma what do you need right now?" He asked as he cupped my cheek in his hand. I blinked at him in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"You're shaking," he said softly and lifted my hand up into my eye line to prove it. It was pretty bad too. "I haven't seen it this bad since the Cybermen."

"I don't know what I need," I said distantly as I walked myself through all the exercises I knew. "Tell me something."

He launched into a story about Ace McShane, who he'd traveled with when he was in his seventh form, and how she'd beat a Dalek to death with a baseball bat.

"God, I miss all the fun companions," I complained lightly. He laughed at that.

"You look better," he said after he had skimmed his gaze over me.

"Thanks. For everything," I said.

"I barely did anything."

"I mean you did punch him," I said, and he laughed again. "I'm still a little bit in shock over that."

My phone started ringing on the console, right where I'd left it earlier. The Doctor picked it up and passed it to me and I answered it without checking the caller ID.

"Hello," I said.

"Emma," Gwen said and paused. "Is the Doctor there?"

"I mean, yeah where else would he be?" I asked with a slight frown and Gwen made a weird noise. "What's wrong? You sound weird."

"It's Ianto. He died."

I might have screamed at Gwen's sudden harsh words, but I couldn't hear anything over the oppressive silence that hit me as I fell to my knees onto the metallic floor. I held up the phone to the Doctor wordlessly, as I stared ahead of me blankly. Ianto was supposed to be safe. Safe from my horrible, awful, terrible tendency to make people leave. Safe from me. I linked my fingers into the grating of the floor as the world suddenly snapped back to normal.

"Emma! Emma for the love of God answer me," the Doctor said a little desperately, like he'd been trying to get a response from me for quite a while. I realized that he had both hands clamped on my shoulders and was shaking me slightly. I looked up at him and managed to unhook my fingers from the floor as I sat back on my heels slightly.

"Did Gwen say when the funeral was?" I asked, and my voice sounded too loud, like it was bouncing off the endless TARDIS interior and getting louder every time.

"The TARDIS is taking us there now." Now that he had said that I could hear the rotor moving up and down.

"I should change," I said and got up from the floor. I needed to find something black, because that's what you wore to a funeral and it would give me something to do.

"Emma, we're practically there," the Doctor said just as the TARDIS landed.

"Oh." I must have been stuck in the silence longer than I'd thought. I headed for the door instead. Lillian met me at the door and had her arms around me the instant I opened it all the way. She let me use her as a bit of a crutch without a word as she wrapped a black coat around my shoulders and led me away from the TARDIS.

"Take a breath," she ordered, and I obliged without thinking about it. Lillian had always been very good at managing people.

"Doctor come hold Emma's hand please," Lillian said as we came to a stop next to Gwen and Jack. The Doctor linked his hand with me, and I clutched it desperately as he and Jack nodded at each other.

"Ianto Jones was brave, and wonderful and my very best friend," Gwen said after we had all stood in silence for a few moments.

"Ianto Jones was a beautifully simple soul, who was already ready with advice," Lillian said.

"Ianto Jones was the best tea snob I've ever known in my whole life," I said, and Lillian laughed wetly.

"Ianto Jones was indescribable," Jack said after a few false starts. I almost expected him to say a little bit more before he must have decided it was enough and we fell into silence for a few moments.

"I'm spending the night at this hotel." Lillian handed the Doctor a little business card before she turned to me and gave me a huge hug. I blinked at her wet hair in confusion, wondering if she had showered directly before coming here before I realized that it was raining. I hadn't felt it. "Come when you're ready and we'll have a good cup of tea."

"Okay," I said roughly, and Lillian nodded with tears in her eyes before she started walking away. I suddenly realized that I was still holding the Doctor's hand. Just as I was thinking about dropping his hand he did and wrapped that arm around my shoulders and pulled me against his side before dropping a lingering kiss to the top of my head.

"What happened?" He asked, and Gwen haltingly started telling us about the 456 and everything that occurred and how Ianto had died.

"Where the Hell were you?" Jack demanded as soon as Gwen had finished, and the Doctor looked at him.

"I didn't know," he said, and Jack bristled in anger.

"I Called! You didn't answer!" Jack shouted as he stormed up to the Doctor and the realization hit me so hard that the numbness, I'd been existing in rushed out of me.

"Oh my god. It's all my fault," I said and pressed my fingers to my lips to try not to scream while I wrapped one arm around my middle, like I was trying to compress all of my emotions.

"What?" Jack sounded shocked, like I'd shoved all the grieving anger out of him with my words.

"It's all my fault. Ianto died and it's all my fault. I was charging our phones and I forgot them on the console. I should have known that the cold wasn't from my Dad. I should have known. It's all my fault." My knees buckled, and I thought I was destined to hit the ground again, but the Doctor was close enough to catch me this time.

"No Emma it's not. It's not your fault," he said, and I clutched him and let the tears spill over.

"I killed him. It's all my fault. I cared about him. I loved him, and I lost him. It's all my fault." I was starting to hyperventilate between my sobs and the Doctor spared Gwen and Jack an apologetic glance before he scooped me up in his arms and carried me into the TARDIS.

"Do not let her pass out," he ordered the TARDIS as soon as he set me down on my bed. I laid down on my side and curled up in a ball. I wasn't sure how long it was before the Doctor came back, but I was still heaving and sobbing.

"Tell me how to fix it," he said as he climbed into the bed and wrapped his arms around me from behind me. I sucked in a shaky breath as best I could.

"You can't."

"I could go save him."

"No, you can't." I said because I knew that for a fact. Ianto had been dead too long Earthwise for it to not do serious damage to the universe. "If you could, you would have done it by now. You would have done it for Jack."

"Emma it wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was."

"No. It wasn't. I forgot our phones in the TARDIS too." He pressed a kiss to the top of my head and must have gotten a bit of a taste of my feelings because he flinched. "Emma tell me how to make it better."

"Just stay," I said and grabbed his hand so that I could link my fingers with his and wrap his arm around myself tighter.

"There is not a single force in this universe that could make me move from this spot."

I cried myself to sleep with the accompaniment of Gallifreyan lullabies and a double heart beat pounding comfortingly behind my head.

XXXXX

Man I really put Emma through it this adventure. Oops.

Anyway this is where I apologize for not keeping Ianto alive, but I had to keep somethings canon and unfortunately this was one of those things.