AN: Well, this is a long chapter! :) I am so enjoying this! I must warn though, this chapter is a sad one...forgive me for torturing Sirius, but I can't help myself! He's such an easy character to write angst for, even more so than Harry! :O I am a bad, terrible person I know...forgive me and read anyway, and leave me a review! Thank you all so, so much for all the interest in this story! I'm so happy I could cry! :D Your reviews, your faves and your alerts all make me smile!
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself. - Winston Churchill
"Harry, I think we need to talk." Hermione and Harry were sat in the Library, Sirius was nowhere to be seen and Ron had gone back to the common room with a headache. Hermione had that look about her that said she was broaching a serious topic, so Harry put down his quill and gave her his full attention. "I was wandering..." She began carefully, eyeing Harry as if he was sickening for something. "What's going on between you and Sirius?"
Harry had not expected that. He frowned. "Nothing...we're friends Hermione."
She chewed her lip nervously for a second before sighing. "It's just that the way you react around each other, there's...something more there. I'm worried, Harry."
"There's nothing happening, Hermione. We're friends, that's all. And any way, Sirius is alright."
"I don't know..." She sounded afraid as she spoke, unwilling to look Harry directly in the eye. "There's something...odd about him. I mean, the Sirius we knew was an adult, even if he was a bit childish at times, he had grown up and had more life experiences...This Sirius can't take on the role of Godfather...he's too young and...and I get the feeling he's not..."
Harry frowned at her. "Not what?"
"Not all he makes out to be." She said carefully. "Don't get me wrong, he's very nice and everything I just think...there's something a little dark about him...something dangerous..."
"He's not dangerous Hermione." Harry snapped and jumped to his feet. "He's just a little screwed up because he was sent into the future where everyone he did know is either dead or older, you'd be the same in his position!"
"Harry, please listen to me!" She sounded slightly desperate as she grabbed the sleeve of his robe and yanked him back into the seat. "Don't get close to him...eventually he's going to have to return to his proper time and when he does you'll have to be able to let him go! Please Harry, I'm saying this for your benefit!"
"Close? Hermione, he's the one person in this school who'll ever have any chance of understanding me! He's my father's best friend and my Godfather! How can I not get close to him? No one understand me like he does, he's intelligent, funny and powerful...he's a good friend to me. If I want to hang onto him, can anyone blame me?"
"Harry, I'm worried about you..." Hermione's voice was soft. "I just don't think his intentions towards you are that...innocent. He's not the man you knew, not yet at any rate...he's different...Please, I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I won't...he likes me." Harry began pulling his parchment and books into his bag. "I know he does."
"He liked your dad...and you're not your father."
"I know that and so does Sirius...we had this conversation last year."
"I know, and it still applies...I don't think he sees you as different people at all."
"He's not mad!" Harry snapped furiously.
"I'm not saying that." But Hermione's expression defied her words as she grabbed her own work and followed Harry from the Library.
"Look, just drop it, alright? I've had enough..." Harry strode from library, a dark frown on his face as he tried to out distance Hermione.
"I just want you to know that I'm worried! Just promise me you'll be careful around him?"
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, fine..." He said to shut her up, it seemed to satisfy her and they went back up to the common room together.
Sirius sat opposite Dumbledore as the Headmaster spoke softly, his voice was grave and his eyes sad. "We have been unable to find a way to return you to your own time, Sirius. I am sorry."
Sirius nodded, it wasn't as if he hadn't expected it, but hearing it said out loud made his chest tighten in fear. "Ok...so what does this mean?"
"We will continue to work on it, this I promise you. However, it seems the overall effects of your time leap have not been too serious as far as we can tell. The problem I am having now is keeping you under my watch, the Ministry have already tried to demand that you be sent to them to...aid them in their research...but so far I have managed to divert them, how long I can keep doing so is another matter." He saw Sirius nod slowly. "How have things been with you?"
"I..." Sirius sighed softly. "The headaches are worse, sir...I collapsed not long ago and saw...I saw James and Remus and Peter...from my time. They were talking about me...But it was like being in someone else's memory, I was less than a ghost..."
"I see, and have you seen them since?"
"No, sir. Just that once." He winced as if he was in pain as he remembered James. "What will happen to me...if the ministry get hold of me?"
"They will run experiments I suspect..." Dumbledore replied, his eyes hardening for a split second.
"Not easy ones though, right?"
"Correct. I will do everything within my power to see that you remain safe here at Hogwarts, but if they decide to bring down the might of the Ministry there is very little I can do..."
"I understand sir...it was inevitable really." He sighed softly and smiled. "I suppose I'll just have to go with them peacefully when they come..."
"Let us hope it never comes to that."
Sirius nodded and stood. "Is that all?"
"Yes, for now. If your headaches continue, I want you to alert me and go see Madam Pomfrey, do you understand?"
"Yes sir. Thanks." He pulled open the door and left.
Sirius was so immersed in his own thoughts he didn't see the boy step out in front of him, he walked into him and stumbled backwards. "Shit, look where you're going, bastard!" He snapped and raised his head to find himself face to face with Malfoy, the boy looked ruffled, his eyes had circles around them and his hair was all out of place. "Oh...it's you. Out of my way, Snake." He muttered and tried to push past the blond, but Malfoy stood his ground. "Are you really doing this?" Sirius sighed, pushing hair from his eyes. "Come on, don't push me."
"I want to talk to you. Now." Malfoy muttered, grabbing Sirius by the arm and pulling him into a nearby room. It was full of rows upon rows of random stuff; books, furniture, statues, and many other objects. Sirius gazed around the cathedral-like space in awe.
"This is nice...where are we?"
"Seventh floor, the Room of Requirement." Malfoy answered as he turned to face Sirius.
"Wow...hang on..." Sirius frowned thoughtfully. "I swear I've hidden from filch in here...but it was tiny..."
"Yes, it changes depending on the user's needs...anyway, listen..."
Sirius moved over to a stack of ancient looking scrolls and began absently looking through them. Many crumbled beneath his fingers but some still had writing on, he found one scroll written in Latin and the ink was definitely not ink...it was dark red. He dropped it quickly, wiping his hands on his robes absently. "So, what have you been up to in here, Mr. Malfoy." He said, eyes still searching the room, he was fascinated.
"I can't say...but I do need help..." Malfoy looked uncertain. "You know what I am...you've had contact with Dark Wizards before and you must have been brought up the same way I was..."
"More than likely." Sirius replied vaguely as he lifted himself up onto a stable looking table and sat there, gazing down at Malfoy. "What's it to you?"
Malfoy frowned. "If I tell you, you will have to swear not to speak to anyone else about it...make an unbreakable vow..."
Sirius' laughter echoed around the ceiling. "Yeah, I don't think so." He said, smirking as he leaned forward. "Do you take me for a fool? I would never do something like that, I like living and I would never swear anything with a Malfoy."
"But we're related! My mother is your cousin!"
"That is meaningless. Blood is meaningless. I left my family and have no intention of returning to that, I'm done with it. This stupid obsession with Blood and purity! It's all lies! Lies to make people like you feel better about themselves and make you feel bigger than everyone else well, newsflash..." He jumped down from his perch and stepped close to Malfoy, his silver eyes glittering dangerously in his pale face as they narrowed with anger. "You're not better than anyone. You're a kid... a kid like me, a child! You think you're so damned good...but you're nothing but a pathetic wannabe!" he jabbed Malfoy in the chest with a finger, making him stumble backwards, his eyes wide with shock. "You follow your father's line 'Pureblood is power'...like a perfect little son, you walk the path set out for you by your gullible parents and their parents before them...you'll let them marry you off to some pureblood girl who you don't love and never will...you live your life as a Zombie with no thoughts of your own...going about each day pretending to be happy and acting like a puffed up peacock...but deep down you know! You know what he's asking you to do is wrong, you know that if you fail it'll mean your life...and worst yet, you know you've only got yourself and your stupid, fucking useless pride to blame for it all!"
Malfoy flushed vibrantly, he had been pushed backwards into a solid object his eyes wide as Sirius hissed at him. "You don't know...you cannot understand..."
"Not understand?" Sirius laughed incredulously. "I understand better than you would ever know! I suffered for my beliefs but never once did I waver! No matter how many times my father took that fucking belt to me, no matter how many times my mother tortured me...I never, ever gave up on what I know to be right! And you have the fucking cheek to look down on me, to call me bloodtraitor, to sneer and pretend you're better than me...I would die rather than betray that! Do you understand? Let him kill me for being a Bloodtraitor, let cousin Bellatrix blast me into oblivion...I'll die with a fucking smile and a clear conscience. Will you be able to say the same thing?" he gazed at Malfoy, blond hair out of place, eyes wide with confusion and incomprehension and he sighed suddenly and stepped back. "You know what? You're just like him."
"Who?" Malfoy asked, straightening himself out. He wasn't used to having anyone talk to him like that and he was angry, but he had no idea what to say...he doubted very much that he could ever win in a duel with Sirius Black, who had been infamous, even within his own family, for his duelling skills.
"My brother..." Sirius turned away from him a moment, squinting at a shaft of sunlight that highlighted a huge, covered object. "He was weak too."
Malfoy managed to get back his courage. "You will regret speaking to me like that, Black!" He hissed, still flushed from his humiliation. "I will make sure the Dark Lord discovers your secret...and I will deliver you into his hands personally!"
Sirius smiled. "Good luck." He said and watched Malfoy storm out of the room. Once alone he sighed and looked around, the sunlight hit something shiny and he moved closer out of curiosity. He frowned and saw a sliver of silver covered by a heavy blanket, with a jerk of his wrist he yanked the covering off and found himself gazing up at a large Mirror.
Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi
The words were written across the top in gently sloping script, he didn't recognise the language. Slowly he moved further around it until he should have been seeing his own reflection. What he saw made him fall to the floor in shock, his eyes glued to the image. There he stood, in the arms of a boy with messy black hair, and he was smiling in contentment. He gritted his teeth and hissed in a sharp breath as his chest constricted painfully, his reflection looked blissfully happy and it hurt. It was so painful he could hardly even breath, but the longer he watched the more he felt he needed to not look away. Even though he couldn't see the boys face properly he knew that there would only be love in those hazel eyes. He blinked as his vision blurred and let himself lean back against the cabinet at his back, he watched himself laughing and smiling with nothing but pure joy in his eyes as he ignored the heated tears running down his face, he ignored the painful hitch of his chest and simply sat there gazing at what he knew he would never, ever have...Sirius was born to be alone and he knew he was, but he couldn't understand why it hurt so damned much when he thought about it...
He knew what the mirror was showing him, he knew what his deepest desire was...it was the thing he had wanted from his parents and never received, it was the thing he had grown up without and had only come within touching distance of when James had held him for the first time...he wanted someone to love him...he wanted someone to want him for what he was, not what he could do for them...he wanted someone he could love back and not have to sit in the cold, dark shadows while he watched the one he loved chase after another. He needed to be needed...
Harry entered the room of requirement which had been, oddly enough, left open. He entered and gazed around at piles upon piles of randomly assorted objects. He walked through the maze-like structures until he heard a sudden noise, it had sounded like a sob. He frowned and moved silently forward, following the sounds. In one hand he clutched his wand, in the other he held a piece of crumpled parchment. As he turned a corner he stopped as he saw a boy, long black hair covering his face. He was curled in on himself, knees pressed against his chest and his arms locked firmly around them but what made Harry's heart jolt in his chest was the realisation that Sirius Black was crying. He stood there in silence for a long while, simply trying to absorb the shock of it, Sirius was sat before a tall Mirror that Harry instantly recognised and it suddenly all clicked into place. He took a shuddery breath and stepped forward, at the noise Sirius looked up, his silvery eyes were glistening with tears that slid down his cheeks, quickly he stifled another sob that tried to escape and wiped them furiously on the sleeve of his robes.
"H-Harry..." He muttered in a cracked voice. "What's wrong? How did you find me?"
Harry walked over to him and sat at his side, his eyes slowly shifting to the mirror and he saw what he had at eleven years old. A whole array of people wearing smiles and eyes full of love, yet his eyes were once again drawn to those at the front, a woman with dark red hair and kind green eyes and a tall man with a thin face and messy black hair. Harry sighed softly. "What...what do you see?" He asked slowly, unable to tear his eyes away from his family.
Sirius gazed into the mirror again, half choking on his own breath. "Myself..." He whispered hoarsely. "Myself being...no...i-it doesn't matter..." He chuckled darkly, wiping his eyes again. "It's all lies isn't it? Everything I want...everything I've ever dreamed...all lies. It can't come true. It's impossible."
"No." Harry said, his eyes lingering on the image of his mother for a long time. "It's not impossible...what's impossible is what it shows me. Because the dead can't come back to life..."
Sirius tore his eyes away from his own desire and looked at Harry. "What do you see?"
"My mum and dad...smiling." He gave Sirius a small, half smile himself. "I found this when I was eleven, and Dumbledore said something that I should tell you now. This is the Mirror of Erised, a Mirror that shows anyone who looks into it only their deepest desire...When Dumbledore caught me looking he told me; Men have wasted away before it, not knowing if what they have seen is real, or even possible. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that. Never thought I'd see it again..." He sighed softly. "So, what do you see?"
Sirius was gazing at the mirror, his eyes wide and slightly unfocussed. "My deepest desire, hmm? Harry...when you were living with the Muggles did you ever wander what it would be like to...to be loved?" His voice was softer than a whisper and Harry had to strain hard to hear it.
He considered a moment, eyes being drawn again and again to his parents smiling, adoring faces. "I did. I think...every kid wants parents that love them."
Sirius nodded slowly. "They loved Regulus..." He breathed, chest tightening painfully and for a moment he thought he was going to be sick. "They would dote on him, he was perfect in their eyes...but for me they reserved only curses, screams of 'Bloodtraitor' and 'filth'...for me it was being locked in my room until I apologised for being sorted into Gryffindor, it was being cursed because I spoke to a muggle in my street, it was pain and hatred...it's all I've ever known. I assumed, for a long time, that everyone was like that...I assumed that everyone hated each other...it was normal. That was until I went to Hogwarts and met your father on the train...James was...bright, like the sun. Like a massive star that shone with its own light...he was beautiful and I knew with a certainty that he'd be my friend. I'd never had any friends until James shook my hand, I knew he was a bloodtraitor, his family were notorious and the Potter name mud in my house. I wanted to defy my parents and make friends with him and I did...and I went further than that...I asked the Sorting hat to put me into Gryffindor because I refused to be put in Slytherin. It was going to, you know?" He turned those silver eyes to Harry's green, they were wide and almost childlike in his pale face and Harry felt his heart ache in sympathy, he understood what loneliness was, he knew what it was like to be surrounded by mistrust and anger and unfounded hatred by those who were supposed to cherish him. "When my mother found out I received a Howler from her, it screamed my betrayal across the Great Hall, and my Slytherin cousins thought it was hilarious of course, but James...he smiled at me...he said he was glad I was in Gryffindor...No one had ever told me they were glad I'd done something, no one had ever smiled at me like he did." Sirius lowered his head, staring at his knees with a small frown. Harry was shocked to hear him sounding so much like a scared child, he was full of sympathy, when he had met Adult Sirius it had never occurred to him how lonely he must have been, how desperate for any show of affection, no matter how small. "The first time it happened I was in fourth year...it was my birthday, and James had given me a surprise party. Somehow he'd smuggled booze into the castle and we were drunk, the last ones to go to bed. We lay in front of the fireplace and he was laughing, he was so beautiful I couldn't help myself so I...I...kissed him." He shoved fingers into his hair and sighed. "He never pushed me away. He was gentle and I took that to mean more than it ever did...more than it ever could...I didn't think. I was stupid and blind and drunk and I let him take advantage of me...and it was so fucking good!" He stifled another desperate sob, he sounded so sad that Harry put a hand on his arm, even though his own chest was aching and he wasn't sure if that was due to sympathy or something more...
After a moment or two of silence Sirius finally looked up and their eyes met again, but there was something in Sirius' gaze, something that resembled hunger mixed with pain. "How did you find me?" He asked softly. Harry withdrew the map from his pocket and held it out, Sirius took it in shaking hands and gazed down at it, his eyes widened. "This map is..." He opened it and tapped it with his wand, slowly words began to appear, but they weren't the usual words of welcome Harry got...what spread across the front of the map were friendly greetings...as if they recognised Sirius.
Messers Moony, Wormtail and Prongs welcome back Messer Padfoot. You're absence was noted and they would remind you not to neglect your Maruaderly duties in future
(Seriously though Pads, you need to keep updating this thing, or it'll get stale. Oh, and please remember to give Snivelly a kick up the arse from us.)
(Prongs, stop it.)
(Moony, go back to your homework.)
(Why are we arguing?)
(Mr. Prongs will remind Mr. Moony that he has yet to perform his promised task...)
(Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Prongs that he did not win the chess match, therefore he must become Mr. Moony's slave for the foreseeable future.)
(Mr. Wormtail, please remind Mr. Moony that Mr. Prongs is slave to no one.)
It went on for a while before Sirius chuckled and tapped his wand against the parchment again, it went blank but before he could hand it back more writing spread across it rapidly, the penmanship was obviously rushed and hardly even readable, Harry had to squint to read it.
Padfoot...come back soon. We miss you, we need you. Without you there is no Maruaders...Come home.
Sirius gazed at it with a sadness so deep it seemed to cut Harry to shreds. "Where did you get this from?" He asked roughly as the writing faded.
"Fred and George found it when they were here...in Filch's Office."
Sirius nodded slowly. "Then it's yours." He held it out to him but Harry shook his head, swallowing hard.
"No...You made it, it's yours."
"Harry...The map is...almost sentient. It belongs to those who use it and use it well..." He grabbed Harry's hands and wrapped them firmly around the parchment. "Your father would want you to have it...it's part of his legacy to you...along with the cloak. He would be happy..." When Sirius looked up he was smiling a smile that was gentle and sweet, it was a smile Harry had never seen on his face as an adult. "He would have loved you, I'm sure of it..." His voice cracked. "He would've loved you like he did Lily...like he never did me."
"Sirius..." Harry never thought about it, he simply moved. Before he or Sirius knew what was happening he was leaning forward and their lips were pressed against each other. He pushed Sirius to the floor and gazed down at him when he pulled away, Sirius looked up through his fringe, eyes wide with surprise. Briefly Hermione's warnings came rushing back to him and he had a second to wander if what he was doing was right or not, but when Sirius dragged him down again, when their lips met and their tongues touched he didn't care what happened afterwards, all that mattered was Sirius' body pressed close to his own, the soft feel of his hair in his fingers and that hot, insistent tongue dancing with his own.