JASPERS POV

Week ago

She looked so hurt, I couldn't look at Bella, knowing that I was at fault for that pain on her face.

She was standing up now, ready to leave me when she said, "Caius was the bad one?"

I winced at what she said and to be honest, I was much worse than Caius was. He didn't care for the girls he used… And I knew I loved Bella Swan. I was much worse than him. I had hurt someone I loved on purpose.

Just as I heard the door close behind my apartment, I couldn't hold it in much longer and I ran to the bathroom, vomiting, not able to swallow the bile that I had in my stomach. I tried to ignore her, I needed time to think. But she had wanted me, and I always wanted her. And I couldn't do that to us…

I could see it in her eyes. I knew this had to end.

Even if I wanted to, I could never come back to what I'd done.

She wanted me to fuck her, and I gave it to her… And then I took it away. I had to stop before she would cum or else, I couldn't walk away. Knowing that I made her feel that way wouldn't make me be able to walk away. I couldn't believe I had to fake that I came. I just had to get off of her… I couldn't do it.

I knew that I hurt her. That made my stomach turn again and I gagged.

God! Why the fuck didn't I just talk to her before. I could have just said something.

I shook my head, that was resting against the cold tile of the bathroom wall. I didn't believe love could exist. Rosalie and Emmett tried to prove me wrong every time I saw them. But it was them, they were capable of it… I didn't think I was. I would do anything for that girl… That's why she had to go.

To experience love is something I never even dreamed of. It feels sweet and painful, and confusing and a whole lot of other junk. And truth be told, I didn't deserve it. I don't remember the last time something had caused such a panic in me… The memory was there but I didn't let my mind go there. My mother and my father… The people that made me… I just couldn't go there.

I couldn't eat anything for the rest of the day, and I ended up calling sick in work, telling them I had a stomach bug. I didn't feel like I was lying since I did feel ill. I just needed a day. A day and that was it. I would go back to work; I would get myself together. I would call Bella tomorrow and explain… No… Wait... No, I should. I should call Bella. I should tell her that I'm not good enough for her and I need to explain myself. I need to say something to her. Wait no… No.

A splitting headache was coming, and before I could make myself sick again, I moved to my bed and I did. My sheets still smelled like Bella and I couldn't help but to snuggle up to the pillow that she had been sleeping on.

When I woke up it was the middle of the night, I didn't feel much better. In fact, I felt worse. A lot worse. I sat up and took it all in, I could feel my body burning, while I was freezing cold, sweating all over, my hair slightly damp. I wanted to kick myself. What type of idiot got sick just because? I knew it was psychosomatics; when your body physically responds to the stress you experience psychologically. And the reason why I felt stupid was because I knew all about it and it help me from getting sick and experiencing it.

I went back to sleep but as soon as my alarm went off, I couldn't get up if my life depended on it. I hated that I had to miss another day, but I couldn't do my job while feeling like this.

I knew Peter, my colleague, the one I was doing research with together, would be awake. I called him, hoping I didn't

"Hey man." He answered, "Don't tell me what I think you will say." He sounded a tad bit worried.

"I'm sorry, Peter… I don't know what or why this is happening." I lied.

"What's happening?" he asked "Like, what are the symptoms? Can I help somehow?"

I hated to admit to him that I was weak enough to get sick let alone why "I'm just going to sleep it off, Pete. It's just a fever, it'll go away soon enough."

"Alright. I can cover for you today, put some guys to work as well. Let's see if it lasts for today, or if you'll need more time okay buddy?"

Peter was always so nice to me, I felt even more like shit, feeling as if I've let him down as well.

"Sure, thanks, Peter. I'll give you heads up."

I fell asleep shivering, the trembles rocking through my body as I slipped into, what I had hoped to be a dreamless sleep, but I was wrong. I had a dream about my childhood. I was having them more and more lately. I dreamed about my mom, taking me to school. She was working in the mornings, meaning I always was early for school. My mother was beautiful and smart, and she shared it with us but not with anyone else. Not with anyone. In my dream I asked her why, but before she could answer, it was Bella's face staring back at me.

I wanted to say something to her, but the ringing woke me up.

It was Peter and I had to explain it to him, that I was still sick. He sounded worried, but I just wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to see Bella. I reminded myself that I could just call her but the reality was that I had ruined us. But in my dream, it was just Bella.

So, I went back to sleep, so I could see her there. And perhaps I shouldn't have done that since I didn't see Bella. I saw the opposite of her… I saw my dad. Well… I heard him more than I saw him… He was arguing with my mom and I couldn't do anything. I was helpless… Hopeless. I knew this memory.

I woke up and it was the middle of the night.

God.

Since Bella left, I didn't remember the daytime. I was in darkness.

My stomach hurt and I realized I hadn't eaten in… I don't even know how many hours, or days. I slowly stood up and walked to get something out of the fridge.

Shit.

I had nothing.

I looked around my empty apartment and remembered that I had moved. When I moved, my intentions were never to live alone, it was more to live without Edward. Living with Bella's ex was just so awkward and stupid. He didn't know in the beginning. I, personally, didn't care to tell him that Bella and I were together since Edward and I never were friendly. Together… ish. Hanging out? Fuck…

When Edward found out, after Alice showed him a picture of Bella and I, he was beating on my door, yelling like crazy. I knew I shouldn't have let him in and should have just ignored him but a part of me wanted to fight him back and prove in a stupid way that Bella was important to me too. More important than to Edward. Edward just wanted an arm candy, not investing in that person emotionally, I could always see that. But I ended up pushing him out of my room, telling him to calm down. He barely did and we just exchanged 'pleasantries'.

Previously Edward didn't believe it., when Alice told him that we were fucking each other, not that she saw or knew anything. I think he just didn't want to believe it, but he knew. He for sure knew since he was acting rude as hell towards me before as well, in some petty ways. Nothing compared to him losing his shit, punching my door, and wanting to fight, so I didn't care.

I did give him a head up then, before things got heated, since I had to get out sooner or later. I lived with Edward because it was easy – we never got in each other's ways and we didn't care much for one another, respecting each other spaces was perfect. But I grew tired of not having my own space and I needed to leave. Since I had a better paying job I could finally do it. Now I just had a reason to look for one.

The last thing Edward told me was "I seriously can't wait until you move out. This is a fucking nightmare." I wondered if I should send him a fruit basket. Should I tell him sorry I fucked Bella? Or thank you for introducing me to Bella?

I shook my head and ordered take out.

I should get to decorating soon… Or buying furniture first.

I woke up, still feeling shitty, my body hurting. I knew Peter wasn't expecting me, but I still tried to work a little and send him the work. I was angry at myself even more since people dependent on me in my job to come in and work. People who needed physiotherapist weren't joking around when they came in. I had to work this weekend, but Peter helped me out. And he was helping me out today as well. The fourth day I was completely out. I tried though. I would get a lot of variety of patients that needed help and I was out, the least I could do was the research paper. The research Peter and I were doing was about how early physical rehabilitation could reduce a number of developing problems. It was important to me and it was going to be important to a whole number of people. And now, I was out. Because I got sick… Out of the blue.

Well… Not out of the blue, I tried to tell myself again.

I should call Bella.

But it has been so long… The longer I waited the worse I made it and I knew. I just wished she was here.

It got worse for the rest of the day. My fever went back up and I ended up ignoring my calls from Emmett and Rosalie. I did check them for if it was Bella, but it wasn't her, so I didn't care enough, I just went to sleep.

I was back as a kid.

I had no idea how long I had been sleeping, but the doorbell got me up. I could hope it was Bella, but it wouldn't be. I already knew that.

I opened the door to Rosalie. I didn't invite her in, but I didn't need to know. Rose was always welcomed in my home. Even now, I appreciated her, while I wanted to stay alone.

"Well it's good to see that you're not dead. For fucks sake Jasper. Where have you been?" Rose said worriedly.

"I'm sick." I opened my arms to her, showing her myself "I was sleeping, sorry."

"Obviously, you're not sick enough to answer the door, meaning you should have called or picked up." She breathed in, calming down for a bit "Fuck. I could've brought you some chicken soup. I was really worried, Jasper… Emmett told me about what happened to Bella, and my mind ran wild." She looked at me, really noting in how shitty I looked "Jeez, you really do look sick."

I palmed my face, a headache coming on again, remembering that Bella lost her job because of me… Because I dragged her there. I would fucking kill who ever would hurt her like that "We'll get to the bottom of it." I promised Rosalie "I just need to get…"

Rose squinted at me "By the way, where is Bella? Shouldn't she be here, since you're almost a walking corpse?"

I closed my eyes "What do you mean?"

"I'm guessing you've been answering her or telling her that you're sick or something… Or have you been ignoring her as well?"

Rosalie was too smart for her own good. I loved her like a sister, but I didn't want her to grill me. I knew it was coming though. I definitely deserved it.

I took a big breath since I will have to tell her and others "Bella and I are no longer."

She shook her head "What do you mean?"

"I fucked up Rosalie…"

"Jasper… Why do you say so…? What did you do?" She was getting riled up.

I was silent and Rosalie kept going on "Jasper… What the fuck did you do?" She started to raise her voice; her suspicions correct about me "Jasper! What the fuck! Tell me! What did you do!"

I closed my eyes "Rose… I can't do this to her."

"Oh, for fucks sakes Jasper, this can't be about that?" Since Rosalie was my friend, a good friend, I've told her my fears and worries, including what I think and fear about love. She knew what I thought about love and she had lived through a couple of girls who wanted to change me. But Bella, she didn't want to change me, she loved me for who I was… And that was changing me. I didn't expect change…

It was stressing me out to say the least.

I didn't mean to yell at Rosalie, I really didn't "I don't want a fucking relationship! Fuck!" I breathed in and out calming myself "I love her Rosalie. Goddamit." I covered my face "I fucked it up, I fucked it up so bad, Rose."

My head was spinning "I have to... I have to sit down." I told her and moved to my bedroom.

I sat down and Rosalie quietly followed me. She didn't say anything to me, and even if I knew that it was a telling sign of itself, I didn't want to dwell on it, and think about it.

"Have you eaten something?" she asked me after a while.

"I ordered take out… Yesterday."

"Jasper… You can't do that. You have to get yourself together." She touched my arm "Listen, Emmett will bring you breakfast, and you will get back. If you love her, do something about it. But don't sit around and kill yourself over a thing you can't change now."

I looked up at her "She is never going to want me, after what I did."

She squeezed my hand, and looked pensive for a second as she said "Evolution – you either adapt or you're gone. Choose. Which one you'll choose, Jasper?"

I woke up quite early and finally showered. I was never going to admit it that I didn't want to wash any part of Bella off of me before. But, I needed her back. I had to face my issues. I didn't say the issue I was facing was with Bella, but it was something that happened way before Bella. And if I didn't try to resolve that I could never be with Bella. Before it was just easy ignoring the issue and live carefree… But I didn't anymore. I wanted Bella in my life and in order to have a chance at that I needed to grow. First though I needed to finish my shower because I heard the doorbell meaning Emmett was here.

Rosalie was right. I needed to take care of myself. What was I even doing these days? Just moping around and crying over that I wanted Bella, but I couldn't because I didn't do anything about it. It was time to pull my head out of my ass. I had to get a grip.

I let Emmett in, and I loved the already easy-going nature he had. He had to wait at the door and even though I opened it up in a towel, he smiled and hugged me. I fucking loved him, he was just such a nice person. Well… To select few. If you crossed Emmett he could be scary, I've seen it

"Hey! Rosy said you stank; you look fresh to me!" Emmett laughed.

"Hate to admit it but she was right." I smirked, come on in.

"I brought breakfast." He showed me a bag full of food and I was suddenly so fucking hungry "Where do I put it?" he looked around and saw that my place was practically empty "You need some furniture, man."

He brought some croissants and berries, fresh coffee, and pancakes. How could I live without food this long?

"So," Emmett started "Bella found out who was at fault for the picture."

I stopped mid chew and he smiled, getting the reaction he wanted "And you tell me this now? Fucking who?"

"It was her manager and get this, Maria is her girlfriend or something. They lied to Bella just to get her out, but she figured it out." He shook his head "I'll get to her though. Maria will pay one way another."

I felt a heat wave go through me as I considered what Emmett told me. Fucking Maria… Emmett could have a piece of her if he wanted. I would take Angela. Bella considered her a friend, and she had tried to ruin her "What about her job?" I asked, trying not to think violent thoughts while having breakfast.

"She still has it from what I understood." I didn't ask if they had any contact. I would be jealous at him for that and I didn't want to feel that way towards a good friend.

Emmett and I chit chatted throughout breakfast, keeping the conversation light until he had to go. He mentioned her again then "Jasper… Get Bella back… I like her for you, man." He hugged me goodbye and left.

I needed to get her back but firstly I needed to get back to work. I couldn't throw away another day away because I wasn't able to resolve a conflict in my head. Peter and my 10 am were happy to see me and I was ready to get back.

While working I didn't have time to think about anything else but the work at hand but the truth was that Bella was always in the back of my mind, no matter what I was doing. Bella wanted me to show her a BDSM lifestyle and in return she showed me a different lifestyle I had never even considered for myself. I was feeling the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I knew I was going to her place after work. I could imagine seeing her, through the window where she would work, and if I could, I would hit myself for ever hurting her. I would ask and beg on my knees if it would come down to that. She deserved nothing but less. I would try for her. I would try for us. If she would tell me to go fuck myself, I would leave her, if she wanted that. It would be a harsh lesson for me to pay but I would do that.