Explosion Series: The Plight of a Harem MC

"I yearn for true gender equality. I have no patience for one who talks about female privilege when it suits them, and then complains about someone "not being a man" when it's convenient."

My name is Satou Kazuma. The hero who slew the Demon King and freed this world from his evil clutches. I am also the unofficial babysitter of what used to be 2.5 idiots, but is now a good, round 4 idiots.

It has been almost a month since we came back from the Iris Rescue Mission, but their idiocy only increases.

Darkness and Aqua are just as useless as each other. They cause enough trouble to make my soul want to jump off of a cliff.

Then Megumin. The cute- ahem, the only one out of the original trio with any brains at all, apart from her obsession with explosion magic. I really do slip up a lot when it comes to describing her, huh.

Finally, my little sister, Iris. She was the one person I expected total sanity from, but the disease of the idiots rubbed off on her, and now she's just as useless as them. Only outside of combat, though, thankfully.

Right now, we were trying to kill a LIVING MOUNTAIN THAT WAS ALMOST 50 METRES TALL.

Megumin was nuzzling against me on my back, after casting explosion.

Darkness was moaning and shouting, as if she was going to die if she stopped being a pervert for more than a second. The mountain monster tried to crush her- but found that it had been reduced to her personal sex toy. Poor monster. My heart goes out to you, brother.

Aqua was crying and running around while buffing our idiot crusader, while Iris, bless her soul, was the only one actually attacking the mountain monster.

"What the hell is with this stupid crusader?! Why won't she die?!", something yelled.

Everyone on the battlefield froze and stared at the monster.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT VOICE?!", Megumin shouted from the safe refuge of my back.

I don't blame her though. What tHE HELL WAS UP WITH THAT HIGH-PITCHED VOICE?!

"Y-you…! SEE, THIS IS WHY I HATE HUMANITY! FIRST, THE AXIS CULT. NOW, A CRIMSON DEMON. ALL OF YOU MAKE FUN OF MY VOICE. I WILL CRUSH EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD!", it shouted.

And yet, we all burst out laughing. It was hard to take a loli voice seriously.

And unexpectedly, it started crying.

It turned around, walking away from Darkness who also started crying when she saw her sex toy walk away.

"I-I hate you all!", it sniffled.

And all of us could do nothing but laugh at the hilarity of the situation.

And it turned around once again, gaping at us in disbelief. "ALL OF YOU ARE SCUM WORSE THAN SCUM! That's it, I shall summon my family!"

The ground itself rumbled, and seemed to break apart. A gigantic monster rose out of the earth, and towered over the loli mountain. Even the sun seemed to be blotted out by the sheer size of this beast.

What the hell kind of monster was this absolute titan?! It was tougher than anything we'd fought before! The Demon King had been killed, so why did I still have to face hardship?! Where was my peaceful married life as a rich noble?!

How did I end up in this situation? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

…

I sipped tea from the cup, relaxing on the couch and stretching in my bathrobe.

"Aqua-san, this is just hot water."

"Ohohohoho, Kazuma-san, I apologize for my mistake. Please forgive me."

"It is alright. After all, I, the magnanimous Kazuma, am one who allows others to fix their mistakes. Kindly make it again, will you?"

"Thank you for your magnanamisou- maganan- magnani- kindness, Kazuma-san."

Aqua headed back to the kitchen to make her 'tea'. Meanwhile I could hear giggling from Iris, as she looked at our comedy gags. After all, we were characters who were meant to serve as parodies, to make our audience laugh. It was only natural that she would giggle like that.

Megumin and Darkness were engaged in an intensive game of- oh, not anymore. Megumin had just used her Explosion spell to flip the board over. Darkness started crying at how unfair it was, while Megumin rushed towards me.

"Kazuma, Kazuma, did you see how I defeated the pervert of our group with but one spell? The magic of the Crimson Demons is fearsome, is it not?"

"Indeed, the pervert of our group suffered a defeat at your hands. The pervert of our group is truly a loser."

"Onii-sama! The pervert of our group isn't a loser! But she did lose to Megu-nee...hmmm..."

"I-iris-sama! I know these two idiots will always tease me b-but not you too! And please don't think so hard about me being a loser or not!", cried the pervert, with a slight blush on her face.

Aqua then walked in, carrying a steaming hot cup of what I hoped was tea. She then saw Darkness crying.

"Oh, what is this? Lalatina ojou-chan, why are you crying?! OI, whoever made the pervert of our group cry is going to eat a god blow to the face!"

I sometimes can't tell if she's incapable of reading the mood or if she's just as devious as a devil.

Megumin took this opportunity to whisper in my ear.

"Come to my room tonight. I owe you an explanation for what happened, and how I rescued you. I know you just came back from the castle so if you just want to sleep its fine-"

"I will come to your room tonight dressed in my lucky underwear and nothing else. I will be in your care, Megumin-sama."

Megumin pretended to give me her signature "you-scum-of-the-earth-pervert" glare, but failed, and instead giggled, giving me a peck on the cheek.

I, Satou Kazuma, was a mighty hero, the vanquisher of the Demon King. I also had one power which set me apart from all other heroes.

I was not dense. If a girl asks me to come to her room, I will accept it without a second thought. If you think I'm going to be bashful and beat around the bush, you're a fool.

As I continued to think, I felt a jealous glare burning a hole through my back.

The glare seemed to come closer and closer, before it was a few centimetres away from my neck.

"Oh Goddess in heaven, and earth, she who is different from the useless goddess, please save me from the inevitable. Eris-sama, I ask for your help in fighting whatever comes my way. Amen. Oh, also, Eris-sama? I didn't tell anyone you wear pads, so you have to help me. Amen. Part 2."

The glare was now directed away from me. As expected of a real goddess like Eris-sama.

Suddenly, an intense red gaze seemed to be fighting against the jealous gaze. At first, I praised Megumin for fighting against me.

But then it hit me.

Iris and Megumin.

THE PAIN OF BEING A POPULAR HAREM CHARACTER HURTS.

"H-hey, you two? Let's calm down shall we? Haha…!", I said nervously, only to be shut up by the combined intensity of both their looks.

"What? You got a problem, Kazuma-san? And what about you huh, you stupid bro con princess?!"

"Bro con?! I am not a bro con! In the first place, we aren't even blood related so it'll be like the step brother and sister videos onii-sama-umph!", Iris said indignantly, but I covered her mouth before she could say more, in the hopes that Aqua wouldn't hear her.

"Oh? What's this? Kazuma, Kazuma, are you corrupting your sister? Look at this! Here I am, giving Darkness tea, while you are corrupting Iris ojou-chan!", Aqua said, patting Darkness's head.

"A-aqua, thank you but this really is just hot water- aah!", Darkness said nervously, but was interrupted by Aqua pulling on her braids. Of course, it didn't hurt her, and it only made her problem worse, but it did the job by shutting her up.

I sighed in defeat. It seemed like nothing could be done. The idiot chose to have sharp hearing at moments like these. The entire guild would now know soon enough.

Just as I was about to walk away in defeat, Megumin pulled me by the edge of my cape, and asked me a terrifying question.

"Kazuma, do you love me romantically, or this brat?"

"Yes, onii-sama, answer her question. Do you love this little sister type character who's evolving into an Ice Queen, or this brat?"

OH, THE PLIGHT OF BEING A HAREM OWNER.

Still, the answer was clear to me. No matter what happened, it wouldn't change. Indeed, this was a story about Kazumin and not Kazumiris, after all.

Oh, it seems like my mind wandered in an abnormal direction.

Well, the answer was clear.

"Iris...I'm sorry for this.", I said. I smiled gently at her but I felt my heart break at her crestfallen expression.

"As you know...well...I'm already dating Megumin...So…", I said nervously. It wasn't like I didn't love Iris. She was an incredibly nice girl and I did enjoy spending time with her. She was pretty too but still...I just couldn't bring myself to think of anyone except Megumin that way now. Earlier even Darkness could have ignited my teenage passion, but now? I don't know.

Iris begins to tear up and walks away. Again, I feel my heart ache at the unfairness of the situation but it really couldn't be helped.

I was powerless to do anything but watch Iris walk away. What sort of a brother was I, unable to keep his sister from crying?

But just as I was mentally flailing in helplessness, I felt someone poke my back. I turn around, and saw Megumin looking at me intensely.

"I know what you're thinking and it's not true, idiot.", she mouthed.

I sigh. This chuuni loli- ow, she kicked me! Terrifying, she can actually read minds!

I sigh again, thanking Eris-sama for blessing me with a wonderful and supportive girlfriend.

And then I walk towards Iris, wrapping her in a tight embrace.

It'll be okay., I tell her through my hug. And she breaks down again, crying into my shoulder as I pat her head.

"Uh, guys? I was pulling on Darkness's braids and now some liquid is coming out of- AHHH!", said Aqua obliviously before being shut up by a swing of Megumin's staff. Megumin, good job!

…

After accompanying Iris to her room, and 'tucking her in' like a good brother would, I went back to my room.

"Hmmm… my teeth are fine. I smell nice. Yes, this is the moment!", I mutter excitedly. Indeed, I was going to evolve from a mere boy to a man!

Oh wait, what about my lucky underwear? Yep, they're right there. Lucky underwear, check!

I then proceed to stretch, in preparation for the Herculean task I was about to undertake.

All systems, go! I get into the running man position, and bolt towards Megumin's room.

I bust through her door, locking it behind me before jumping onto the bed.

"K-kazuma?! W-wait, I'm not fully dressed!" Megumin yelped in surprise as she watched me pull off a sexy seductive pose on her bed while she scrambled to cover herself.

"It is alright, beloved." I said in my signature deep voice.

Contrary to my expectations, Megumin burst out laughing. "What the heck is with your voice?! It sounds so weird!" she said as she sat down on the bed next to me.

I blush and look away like a bashful maiden. "W-well...I thought it'd be sexy...you know."

Almost immediately, Megumin's attitude does a 180. She lifts me with her immense strength and tosses me backwards, after which she proceeds to crawl on me.

"I find this damsel-in-distress Kazuma far, far sexier. Don't you agree?", she whispers, practically growling.

I try to fight back, asserting dominance again. But to no avail. Megumin really wants this.

And I don't exactly mind it.

She leans down into my chest, occasionally moving up to kiss my neck. I too wrap my arms around her, trying to explore her body and make the most of this opportunity.

I run my hands through her soft raven black hair. God, she's beautiful.

And then she suddenly disentangles herself from the intimate 'hug'.

"That reminds me… who the hell did you call a loli in the castle, huh?!", she said angrily. I gulped involuntarily.

"Haha...you're not actually a loli Megumin-san...aha", I muttered nervously.

"What's with that hesitation huh?! Idiot!", she half-yelled, lightly wacking me on the chest.

And then, she pounced on me again. "I will show you I'm not a loli!"

My body was being ravaged by the volatile chuuni but I had had enough. No more!

I wrapped my arms around her waist, and flipped her onto the bed. She made a cute sound in surprise, and said, "Assertive Kazuma isn't as bad as I thought he would be…"

And then, I had the most brilliant idea ever.

"Oi, Megu...Megu-chan...raise your arms as if you're asking me to hug you and look slightly to the side…"

Megumin gave me a confused look while blushing more because of the addition of '-chan', but then nodded, and said,"Kazuma...come hug me…"

I nearly cried. As expected of my girlfriend...able to summon a 10/10 position on her first try with the right words! I can't...hold myself back!

Megumin's eyes widened, as her mouth opened in an :0 [A/N: yes I got lazy shush] shape.

"Woahhh! Excalibur is ready to break out of its constraints! Amazing!"

And thus began my counter-attack on her.

…

Sunlight fell directly on my eyes, causing me to wake up. Yet, movement was impossible. Megumin was lying directly on top of me. And my son.

Because of my movement, she too stirred. Looking up at me with bleary red eyes, she tried to air-kiss me.

"I luf you Kashuma.", she said while half-asleep, before slipping off of me and promptly falling asleep again.

I gently pat her hair, and say, "I love you too, Megumin. I have a lot to ask you though."

Of course, she doesn't reply.

…

"I HAVE BECOME A MANNNNNNNNNNNN!", I yell once I'm back in my room.

"I HAVE GONE BEYOND THE REALM OF BOYHOOD AND HAVE ENTERED MANHOOD. I AM NOW A GOD!", I yell again.

"Oi, Kazuma. Why are you yelling like that, as if no one is around? You know, it's very embarrassing to do this. Have some shame, you're an adult. And did you just call yourself a god? Kususususususuusus [a/n:amogus] you idiot! I'm the only goddess around here, not you, you youngling."

I turned around, staring at the blue-haired thing that spat such demonic words.

"You…!"

I leaped at her, and began to pull her hair and cheeks.

"How dare you try to stomp all over my happiness, huh?! YOU STUPID SELF-PROCLAIMED GODDESS, YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE TEA! GO CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESSES NOW, I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

"WAHHHHHH, KAZUMA! IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR DOING SOMETHING SO EMBARRASSING AND PRETENDING YOU'RE A GOD! STOP HURTING MEEE!"

Then, the door opened, and in walked Darkness.

"I didn't know Megumin allowed Aqua to engage in such play with him…! Kuh!", said the hopeless pervert.

"ONII! SAMA!", shouted a blonde tempest that came rushing in from behind Darkness, knocking me away from Aqua and hugging me.

"Iris!", I say while hugging her tightly.

"I hope you're okay! I'm so sorry I can't return-", I try to apologize profusely but am cut off by Iris placing her hand over my mouth.

"Onii-sama...everyone...I've decided! I will become an independent woman and make my own life in this kingdom as its ruler!"

I gasped.

"Wait...Iris-sama...what about Prince Jatis-sama?", Darkness asked while panting like a dog in heat.

"Hmph! I will simply defeat him and take over!"

I involuntarily shuddered. I'm glad this girl wasn't my enemy and probably never will be.

Still, I control my fears and instead say calmly," I'm...glad you're making this decision, Iris! I'm proud of you for doing what you want but...will you be leaving now?"

Iris quickly shakes her head. "Nope! I plan to stay here for at least a few months!" She smiles brightly at me. Unable to control myself, I wrap her in a warm embrace.

And she too hugs me back.

"Kazuma, you sis con, get away from your sister.", the obnoxious gOdDeSs says.

"SHUT THE HELL UP AQUA!", shout the 4 people in this room, at her.

Wait a minute. Where did the fourth person come from?

…

A/N: Sorry for the incredibly late update part 2. Didn't know school and extracurriculars could be this stressful lol. Have a more detailed kazumin scene as payment.

Anyway, I took some suggestions from the review and will be editing the stories a tiny bit to make it fit the characters and their likely interactions with each other. I realized (after the reviews and some thinking) that Megumin would never call someone lusting after her a lolicon lol. Also edited it to make more sense and be a bit clearer. If there's still a problem, please let me know. Be as harsh or gentle as you want, I don't mind. I just want to write a better Kazumin fic for all of you!

Also note, I will explain why Megumin learned teleport and stuff in the next chapter through some lazy exposition- ahem, creative dialogue. That's all, thank you for reading, see ya!