A/N: My desktop computer has decided to completely stop connecting to the internet for absolutely no reason. As that is the computer which (usually) has both internet access and Word document access, that's where I usually upload my chapters from. Alas, this time I'm doing some maneuvering which I really hope works. So here goes.

**EDITED**

Merlin slept more deeply than he ever had, too deep even for dreams to reach him, and woke feeling almost restored. His whole body ached, but his magic didn't feel like a gaping hole anymore, so he counted that as a victory. He dragged himself out of bed at a reasonable hour to find the curtains already drawn.

Raime was puttering around the room. He looked distracted and much more tired than he should have after a full night's sleep. There wasn't much for him to tidy, it being a guest chamber, so he just seemed to be rearranging Merlin's armor whenever he passed it. It took him three more circuits of the room to notice that Merlin was leaning against the bedpost and watching him. He quickly snatched up Merlin's pauldron and a cloth and sat down to polish it diligently.

Merlin frowned at him. "Raime," he said.

"Yes, sire?" Raime responded without looking up.

"Raime, are you alright?"

"Of course, my Lord. I'd have told you yesterday if I'd been injured."

"That's not what I meant." Merlin sat down next to Raime, waving his hand at Raime's half-hearted protests of kings and dirt and propriety. "Please, Raime, I've scrubbed these floors a dozen times. I think I can handle sitting on them. Now tell me honestly: are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Raime asked impatiently, but he focused even more on the pauldron in his hand, scrubbing harder than he needed to. The crease in his forehead and the bags under his eyes spoke of a restless night full of frowning.

Merlin recognized the look.

"Because battle is traumatizing," Merlin said frankly. "Especially one's first. It's fast and it's scary and it's overwhelming. And taking a life is never easy."

Raime's polishing cloth slowed and stopped. He was quiet for a long moment.

"But it was," he said, almost too softly for Merlin to hear it.

"Was what?"

"Easy. Killing Tennison," he said, marveling and horrified at once. "It was so easy."

"No," Merlin said. "Not easy. Simple, perhaps. Quick. But not easy. You wouldn't feel like this if it had been."

"And how exactly do I feel?" Raime demanded, suddenly tense, filled with the youthful anger of those determined to be misunderstood.

It was an emotion with which Merlin was intimately familiar, though it had been many years since he had succumbed to it last. He had spent the majority of his adolescence alternating between fits of rage and despair, certain that he and he alone had ever felt the way he felt.

"Like a monster."

All the tension melted out of Raime in an instant and he finally turned over-bright eyes to Merlin. Merlin met his gaze steadily, seeing the desperation there and feeling a sharp echo of his own.

"Guilt," he said. "Anger. Horror. Self-loathing. Relief." Merlin smiled a bit as Raime's eyes widened with each emotion he listed. "I felt the same when I killed someone for the first time. I took one life to save another, as you did. And then I wondered what sort of monster I must be to be relieved that this person was dead, to be glad for it."

Merlin closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the imposter of Lady Helen and the crash of a heavy chandelier. He thought of the moment two days later when he had sat up in his bed in a cold sweat, shaking as the realization set in that he was a murderer.

"I was angry at myself," he said, opening his eyes to meet Raime's again, "disgusted that I had the capacity for that sort of violence. I was disgusted with King Uther for rewarding me for it, with Gaius for commending my quick thinking, with the world for conspiring against me to put me in that position, with Arthur for being threatened and needing me to save him.

"But you know what?" He quirked a small smile at Raime, who shook his head a tiny bit. "I did save him," Merlin said. "And it was the right thing to do. That didn't make it any easier to accept that I had blood on my hands, but my conscience is clean. I saved Arthur's life. Like you saved mine."

Raime laughed a bit and wiped at wet eyes. "Thought you could've taken him?" he said, a rather weak attempt at teasing that made Merlin's smile widen anyway.

"Perhaps," he allowed with a small laugh. "But perhaps not. And if I hadn't managed it, if I'd been killed, then so would you and so would Arthur. And Carthis would have been taken and Camelot would have fallen."

He stopped, letting the scope of it all, of what he had prevented, sink in.

"It wasn't just me you saved, Raime," he said.

Raime nodded dumbly, too overwhelmed to speak. Merlin left him to his silence, taking the opportunity to make his own peace with all that had been done. This conversation was not so different than the one he had had with Arthur the night before, and he was not so thick as to ignore the wisdom in both. The lives that had been taken were far fewer than those that would have been lost had they not been. His heart was heavy, but his conscience was clean.

Finally Raime shook his head and hauled himself to his feet.

"Breakfast," he said firmly, clapping his hands together. "The king and queen wish you to dine with them, sire. You'll be late if you don't hurry up."

"Don't worry; they're more than used to it."

Merlin allowed Raime to pull him to his feet. Raime pulled clothes from the wardrobe, but Merlin turned down his rich suggestions and donned a simple tunic and trousers, plainer than he had worn in a long time. Raime raised an eyebrow, but it just felt right. Raime fell in behind him as he trod the familiar route to the lesser banquet hall where the royal family had always broken their fast.

Arthur and Gwen were waiting there for him, both also dressed plainly. This wasn't a political meeting, but a gathering of friends. They looked up and smiled when he entered and the sight of it sent a flood of warmth through Merlin's chest. He took the proffered seat at Arthur's right hand, marveling for a moment that he was at the table instead of serving it. Gwen beamed at him from over her breakfast as Raime filled Merlin's cup and served him.

"You look better," she said.

"I told you all I needed was rest and food," Merlin pointed out. "I've had the rest." He held up a sausage for her observance. "Here's the food." He swallowed it down as Gwen laughed and Arthur rolled his eyes. "But really, Gwen, I'm fine. All rested up and with hardly a scratch on me."

"I know, I do," she said, waving a hand. "I was just worried about you. We both were." Merlin half-expected Arthur to scoff and deny it, but he nodded instead. "We only just got you back," Gwen said. "We couldn't bear to lose you again."

"Especially from something stupid like overwork," Arthur put in around a mouthful of bread. "Your combat skills have improved tenfold, but your stubbornness still needs a little work."

"Says the man who was still out long after I'd left the infirmary," Merlin said

"You mean after Gaius kicked you out of the infirmary," Gwen corrected him helpfully and Arthur gave him a look of pure exasperation.

Merlin rolled his eyes but didn't challenge the clarification. He would have worked the sickbeds all night if Gaius hadn't put his foot down. Looking back, he knew it was for the best. If he had stayed any longer, he would have started making mistakes, and a botched treatment could be more deadly than the wound it was meant to treat. He wished he could have found other ways to help, but he had to admit he had been next to useless by then, and for more reasons than just weariness.

The anguish of the night before still weighed on his shoulders. By dint of his status and his authority, he was responsible for the damage his forces had taken, no matter that they had chosen to serve their kingdom and sworn to protect it with their lives if necessary.

But Arthur was right. The danger they had evaded was greater than the losses they had suffered. For the greater good; that would have to be justification enough, as it was for all who bore the mantle of authority. The ache remained, though the burn of guilt no longer threatened to overwhelm him. He was alright. And he didn't need Arthur and Gwen both shooting him furtive glances over their breakfast.

"You say that as if you weren't in there for hours after I was," he said, raising an eyebrow at Gwen. "What time of night was it when Gaius chased you off for sleep?"

He was rewarded by a slight flush of Gwen's cheeks and he smirked as she primly folded her napkin in her lap.

"I had not spent the day fighting for my life," she countered.

"It really was some fine fighting though," Arthur said, still sounding genuinely surprised.

Merlin had to smile. He hadn't tried to imagine Arthur's reaction to his learning sword craft, not willing to subject himself to the pain it would have brought him when he still believed Arthur hated him, but now he was finding it rather amusing.

"How was I supposed to earn the loyalty of my men and women if I didn't fight alongside them?" he asked. "I've been training since maybe my third day in Carthis, both with the mages and the knights. I received intensive sword tutelage from Mordred in exchange for training in specialized magic techniques."

"Your men fought with admirable dedication, especially for a monarch of a scant few months. They showed you great loyalty."

"They humble me with it," Merlin said, feeling his chest clench. "I'm hardly worthy of such devotion."

"Yes, you are," Raime said clearly from his place at Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin turned to look at him, but he was the picture of innocence and obedience. Merlin tried to look stern, but he couldn't manage to suppress his grateful smile so it didn't come across properly. Gwen was all but beaming at the boy and even Arthur was looking a bit fond. Raime filled Merlin's water goblet and gave him a vaguely defiant look and Merlin turned back to his breakfast.

"You will be returning to Carthis now?" Arthur asked, his smile faltering a bit.

Merlin's heart sank at the prospect. After this, after experiencing Arthur's true regard, he hated the thought of leaving it behind. He had missed Arthur so much, and Gaius and Gwen and the knights and the city.

But he also found himself missing his blue-filled chambers in Carthis, the rooms his father had inhabited in his youth. He missed the way the stones tingled with ancient yet familiar magic. He itched to get back on the practice field, and to see how the Lower Priests were coming along with the invisibility cloak. He had not lived there long, but he missed his kingdom.

"Yes," he said, only half as saddened as he had expected to be. "I've matters to attend to."

He needed to notify the families of the fallen, lower the Barrier around the city, and speak to his cousin. And he supposed he should inform Kilgharrah of all that had occurred, and speak to him on the matter of Aithusa now that he was out from under Morgana's influence.

"We'll miss you, Merlin," Gwen said, looking a little tearful.

"I'll be back," he said quickly, fearing a crying Gwen. "At every opportunity, now that I know I'm welcome." His levity must have fallen flat because Gwen looked sad and Arthur dropped his eyes to his plate.

"I can hardly believe you'd ever think you wouldn't be," Gwen said.

It was Merlin's turn to avert his eyes, pushing the grapes around his plate half-heartedly as he shrugged.

"It's not like I didn't give you plenty of reason not to want me back here," he muttered.

"That's ridiculous, Merlin," Arthur said firmly.

Merlin looked up at him. "I lied to you for eleven years."

"And I condoned the slaughter of your kind for thirty." Arthur sighed. "I think my sin justifies yours. And outweighs it."

The guilt and grief on Arthur's face aged him in that moment and Merlin hurt to see it there. He wanted to reassure Arthur, to tell him it was no fault of his, that Uther held the blame, but the small, pained smile on Arthur's lips told Merlin he knew that. Hearing it one more time would not make it any less of a hollow comfort. Merlin cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Anyway," he said, abandoning the weighty topic. "I've the means to visit at the drop of a hat now. You won't be able to get rid of me."

"More's the pity," Arthur quipped and Gwen smacked his arm. Merlin laughed at his scandalized expression.

"You visit as often as you can, Merlin, or I'll just have to come get you," she said.

"You should!" Merlin said, lighting up at the thought. "You would love it, Gwen. Carthis is beautiful. Well. You'll have to wait until the throne room's been repaired. It's a bit of a mess at the moment."

"That's an understatement, Merlin," Arthur snorted. "Though, come to think of it, it wasn't as much of a mess as the field you churned up outside the gates." He gave him a pointed look and Merlin flushed.

"Right. Remind me to fix that before I leave."

Gwen's questioning eyebrow prompted a blow-by-blow retelling of the battle, peppered liberally with technical explanations of the spells Merlin had used, which led to anecdotes of Merlin at training, and before they knew it George was knocking at the door to remind Arthur of his tight schedule. The three of them deflated from their companionable high and a slightly awkward silence fell between them. Merlin finally cleared his throat and rose to his feet.

"Well," he said. "I guess I'd better go. I'll check on my injured and fix your field first."

His friends stood as well, smoothing their clothes and slipping back into their roles as the royal couple. Gwen hugged Merlin tightly and Arthur slapped him on the shoulder.

"I'll be back," Merlin promised.

"You'd better be," Arthur said. "Gwaine might actually kill me this time if I drive you off for good."

Merlin chuckled.

"Well, if he gives you trouble, just send me a signal and I'll set him straight."

"I might take you up on that."

They shared a few more promises between them. Gwen insisted on hugging Raime as well, who turned bright red and stammered so much on his thank you that Merlin feared his tongue might fall out of his mouth. Then Merlin headed to the infirmary. He made the rounds of his injured and spoke to Gaius and the healers of their conditions, relieved to find that only one had taken a turn for the worse overnight. He arranged for those who were stable enough to be transported back to Carthis in small groups by those with sufficient power left in their transportation crystals.

Merlin spent an hour or so with Gaius, catching up. Gaius gave profuse apologies for not telling him of Balinor's royal birth, but Merlin had long since buried his anger on that topic. Instead they discussed Merlin's research with the Priests and the projects they had planned. Gaius was only too eager to contribute to the discussion and promised to make a trip out to Carthis sometime soon, as soon as the wounded from the battle were treated. Merlin hugged Gaius long and hard, overwhelmed with fondness for the old man he had missed so much.

Then he tracked down each of the knights individually and thanked them for their forgiveness and their support. They all assured him there was nothing to forgive and instead thanked him for all he had done over the years. He got hugs from most of them and a firm handshake from Sir Leon, and each of them extracted the same promise of return visits that Arthur and Gwen had, only Gwaine threatened to disembowel him if he didn't follow through with it.

Finally, he set off for the gates. Arthur joined him as he passed through the courtyard, falling in step easily. He said it was to verify that the upset field was actually set to rights, but really it was more of an excuse to bump his shoulder against Merlin's and then chase him down a hill when Merlin bumped him back hard enough to almost knock him off his feet. They were red-faced with laughter by the time they passed the guards at the gates, who looked on with bemusement to see their king and a foreign dignitary in so undignified a contest, but they didn't care.

They only sobered when they reached the battlefield where crews of men worked to clear the bodies from where they had fallen. The section of ground that Merlin had shaken with his earthquake was mostly free of corpses, with the victims of Merlin's attack dropped far into the earth where no crew could extract them. Merlin smoothed the ground with a wave of his hand and Arthur shook his head, mouth open in a way that made Merlin squirm a bit in self-consciousness.

The two of them traipsed back to the gate in the companionable silence that Merlin had missed more than anything else. Raime, Gwen, Gaius, and the knights met them just outside the walls. They passed around a final round of hugs and Raime took hold of Merlin's arm. Merlin looked around at the crowd of his friends, all smiling warmly at him.

Arthur inclined his head to Merlin, a gesture of respect Merlin had never dared hope to see so freely and so honestly given. Merlin returned it, his grin almost wide enough to make his cheeks hurt. With a spell, Merlin transported the two of them away, sure that it wasn't a goodbye at all.