Ten minutes later, Bob and Spencer were sitting in a neighborhood Starbucks. It was a local AA hotspot and stayed open until 1:00 am. Looking around the room Spencer recognized 6 people from the meeting they just left. Bob started the conversation telling Spencer about himself. He had been a DC cop for 10 years then he moved to New York where he was promoted after a few years to Detective. He and his wife had one son who moved back to DC and also became a cop. Bob had always been a social drinker and sometimes had overindulged, but he never drank when he was working.
In July of 1993, Bob's wife went to the hospital to have a benign lump removed from her breast. They had been extremely happy that it had not been cancer and it was scheduled as an outpatient surgery. During the surgery, she had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and as they worked on her she went into cardiac arrest. They revived her twice, but the third time she flat lined; they were unable to resuscitate her.
"I was devastated. We had been together 37 years and she was my whole life outside of the job. I only took a week off work, because I didn't want to be home alone all day. I started drinking more and many nights I would drink until I passed out. I never drank while at work, but I arrived hung over more than once. This went on for about three months until my partner called Rob, my son, and told him what was happening."
He paused for a minute and continued, "Rob took a week off and came up to stay with me. It wasn't magic; I didn't just stop drinking the day he arrived, but it did show me I had something to live for. I didn't want to get drunk in front of him so that week I was never hung over at work and that did feel good. After he left, I did still get drunk on weekends, the house was so empty without her, but I managed to stay sober the entire next week. This went on for another few months. I sought out a grief counselor, slightly under protest, but with my Captain's persistent suggestion and it really did help. Seven months after her death, I had returned to my old self, I still missed her, but I wasn't in constant pain and craving a drink. I thought the worst had passed."
Bob paused to take a sip of his coffee, "Almost a year after her death, in June 1994, I received a call at work from Rob's Captain. My son, my only child, had been killed in the line of duty. I barely remember the rest of the conversation. I heard he had been shot in the head while out on a domestic violence case, but the rest was blank. Everything went dark, there was a rushing sound and just as it felt like I would pass out, my stomach started to heave. I grabbed a trashcan and threw up right at my desk. I don't even remember getting home that night.
Most of that week is a blur. I left the next morning for Virginia and stayed with my daughter-in-law, Elizabeth and their 11-year-old daughter Chelsea to help plan the funeral. It was a huge Catholic service in Virginia with a police procession to the cemetery in DC. The department reserved a large room at the FOP Lodge 1 (The Fraternal Order of Police District of Columbia Lodge) for the reception. Elizabeth and I were both in a daze and I think the priest, Rob's Captain, Rob's partner and Chelsea planned everything."
Bob sighed as he remembered everything like it was yesterday. "A week later I was home and this time drinking almost all day. I know I still had Elizabeth and Chelsea, but I was so overwhelmed with grief, at that point I didn't care about anyone or anything. I wasn't doing well at work, but no one wanted to say anything because they knew what had happened and felt sorry for me." He paused and looked directly at Spencer. "That only made it worse; I hated the pity.
Eight months after Rob's death, I was driving home from a bar drunk late one night in an official vehicle. I lost control and slammed into a covered bus stop. Fortunately it was after the bus service had stopped running so no one was sitting there. I looked up and a young lady with a baby in a stroller was staring at me. I jumped out to see if they were OK. They were unhurt, only frightened by the accident. I was sure someone had called 911 by that time and I called my captain at home."
Bob paused, but Spencer stayed quiet, wondering where this story was going. Bob took another sip of his coffee and then continued. "The cops that arrived were from my precinct. I told them about the women, but she had disappeared. I was ready to take whatever punishment was coming. The accident had sobered me enough to realize how dangerous I was to others and myself. I'm ashamed to say that my precinct helped me out of what could have made a horrible situation worse. They did not take any sobriety test on the scene. No one was hurt and the department's insurance would cover the damage.
At least they didn't just ignore the situation. They gave me an ultimatum. I could take an early retirement, with full benefits and seek professional treatment for my addiction or charges would be filed. I agreed with one condition. They needed to try and find the women with the baby. I wanted to make sure she was OK. She would be able to tell that I was drunk and I didn't want this to come back on the precinct if she were to file charges later. They agreed, I took a leave of absence and they started to aggressively look for her. I don't know if she was illegally in the country and afraid of testifying, if she was too scared for another reason, or she just didn't want to get involved and wanted to move on…" He trailed off his thought and took a deep breath before he continued. "Whatever her reason, after two weeks of canvassing the neighborhood and advertising for a witness of an accident to come forward, she never did."
Bob smiled at Spencer who was engrossed in the story. "I didn't just stop drinking overnight. I was completely sober for the two weeks they were looking for the witness and that weekend when she wasn't found, I went out to celebrate with a drink. I was sure I could handle a couple. Again I was drunk, but this time I took a cab home. I had at least learned something. I was so upset at myself the next day I stayed home and drank a liter of Scotch. The next day, I threw away all of the alcohol in the house. I knew it was too much of a temptation. I started with an AA group for NY cops and found a sponsor. I reached the one-month sober milestone 4 times before I actually stayed sober.
After I was sober for four full months, I decided to move to Virginia to be closer to Elizabeth and Chelsea. It took me four more months to sell my home and move to my cabin here, but I stayed sober that whole time. I joined The Beltway Clean Cops chapter as soon as I moved here and my old sponsor helped me connect with someone here. I haven't had a drink now for 14 years. I found that now I am able to be around it without craving it at all. I even have several different bottles at my home for company and to prove to myself I can."
He now was directly talking to Spencer, "I'm telling you all of this because I know that although everyone has their own story and own reason for an addiction, no one needs to do it alone. There are people that you can call or talk to at any time of day. If you are comfortable with me, I'd love to see how I can help you and sponsor you, or I'd be happy to find someone else if you prefer."
Spencer studied the man in front of him. Watching his body language and listening to his vocal inflections as he told his story; Spencer made the decision to trust him. When he had been at the last meeting, John Greenwood the Director of the FBI had lent him his one-year sobriety coin to keep until he earned his own. He had not mentioned anything about being a sponsor and Spencer was sure that he was too busy to take on that role. He was a bit surprised and impressed that the Director had known whom he was. The Director is appointed by the President and has to be approved by the US Senate before he can take the post. Spencer realized again how unique he was that a person of the Director's stature would recognize him. It was nice to know that he had his back if necessary.
Bob would have the time to help Spencer if he was to need it and he obviously had been waiting to meet him. Spencer started by telling him that he was a profiler in the BAU at the FBI. Bob had told him that everything was confidential and he didn't need to give any personal details if he didn't want to, but work was how he became addicted so it was important information.
Bob was familiar with the BAU so Spencer continued. He told him about being kidnapped, tortured and drugged over 3 days without talking about the details of the case. The case was not classified and he could have talked about it, but the details were irrelevant to the addition. He told Bob he had continued to use the drug, not mentioning how he had obtained it, for over four months and how he was afraid he would lose his job and his friends if he had continued. He had decided to quit and detoxed himself without ever admitting to anyone he had a problem. He did tell Bob that he was aware that people knew about the problem, but it was never spoken about out loud.
Spencer then told Bob the reason he has sought out the AA group, "After being clean for seven months, we were on a case where a 22-year-old male had beaten and killed three other young people and kidnapped a forth. The father of the fourth was in witness protection and killed the suspect in front of me. I was the only agent on the scene and I really tried to talk him down. I thought I had gotten through to him." Spencer paused and swallowed hard, "I really thought he was going to put the rifle down. But his daughter was begging him to do it and he pulled the trigger. Two others on my team arrived just after the shot to take him away. I was in shock."
Bob shock his head, "A man kidnapped the daughter of someone in WITSEC? I'm assuming from what you told me that he wasn't an innocent bystander testifying." When Spencer nodded, Bob continued, "I doubt anyone could have talked a guy like that down. He knew his daughter had been in danger and she encouraged him to shot him… It wasn't your fault."
Spencer nodded, "I know, but it still felt like I should have been able to stop him. I was right there in the room." He took a deep breath and continued, "After that, I kept having nightmares of that boy's face as the man pulled the trigger. I knew that the Dilaudid would take away the pain, but I also knew how much else it could take away." He then told Bob how he had found the group on the Internet and thought about going for a week before he actually attended the meeting last week. He didn't know what to expect, but he needed to talk to someone.
"The worst part is that this morning I almost lost my job, I could have been killed or I could have caused someone else to be killed." Spencer stopped and looked around like he wasn't sure he wanted to talk about it.
Finally he made the decision to tell the whole story about Owen Savage. How he had identified with him and why and how he had saved the boy's life by risking his own. He explained what an eidetic memory was, that he had graduated from high school at age 12, and told Bob about all of his degrees. He explained how he had started at the FBI as a very young man with SSA Jason Gideon as his mentor.
Bob was amazed at how much this man, really a still a boy in many ways at 27, had endured. He almost wanted to reach out and hug him and he found himself close to tears several times while Spencer was speaking. It was almost 1:00 am and the Starbucks was closing for the night.
Spencer looked around and was surprised by the time. They had been talking for almost three hours. He really did feel better just saying everything out loud to someone that was sworn to secrecy and wouldn't betray him, especially if it would help him stay clean. Bob handed him his card and said, "I'd love to be your sponsor. You can call me anytime, day or night if you feel the need to talk and especially if you have any cravings. You can also call even just to keep in touch so you'll know that I'm here if you need me."