Disclaimer: I own this hairbow… HEY MADDY GIVE THAT BACK!... okay, I own nothing. Wow. This is embarrassing…
W-O-W. You guys are the sweetest!!
SS: Haha. You and everyone else. Not a single right guesser, except of course, the crazy people who kept saying that they knew it wasn't going to be a straight answer out of the book. So, don't feel bad at all. Honestly, if you HAD guessed right, I'd be worried about your sanity. I'm worried about mine. You know how actors are supposed to get into character for a role. Well… I sort of did that with Bella. It was weird like nobody's business! I layed on my couch and cried for like an hour! My friend came over and had to drag me out for some icecream… it was bad. Sometimes, I REALLY need a break from my easily drawn into head. I can honestly say I FELT what she did in this chapter. Especially about the 's' word and how it made her feel terrible, and visualizing about the things she did! Man oh man, I truly thought I'd lost it there for a while. But the icecream made everything better!
Taylorxxtwihard: ah! Woe is me. Story of my life. Haha. Jk. I've had a surprisingly normal life for the crazy morbid stuff I'm able to write. Well, I give you (da da dun da!) MORE!
Jadedvibes: cool penname. One of the scarce nontwilight related ones surprisingly. The Few, the Proud, the Non-Twilight Pennameers! Lol. Although you don't get the cool survival skills marines do. One reading? Whoa. Am impressed. That's like 150000 words…hmmm… that's almost 2/5 of twilight. DOES it take a long time to write a book or what? But, anyway, thanks! Erm, yeah. You should. I said the contents surrounding the vial would be the last big sitch, so, erm… I suppose I should say a few more chapters will be the wrap up. :D: happy/sad
Amber: Really? Aw. Well, I hope not! haha. Have you seen the 'daily quotes' on stephenie meyer's home page. I try not to look at them bc I don't want any spoilers, but there's one that is super close to something I wrote… scary, huh?
Golden eyed vampire: FINALLY we have an o my Edward! Oh my Carlisle? I think not!
Illeana marquet: For someone who didn't know how to say that, you said it exceedingly, splendiferously well. Imaigine what it would have sounded…read… like if you really HAD known how to say it? Lolz, jk. Stupid sarcasm, going and ruining my nice, clean reviewer shoutouts. It's like a plague I tell you. A plague! But you! You're like the cure. Excuse the cliché.
Livelife213: Thriller! I knew I was missing a genre! (It's a thriller! Thrill. Er. Night! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!)
Ariana: Suspense. My forte it seems. Keeping people waiting…. Lovely. Im doomed to never be on time.
Ari: I think your Arianna, so above mentioned.
edwardXD: Wow. You were right. You DO put that in reviews a lot.
Kelly: (hisses) Better? Honestly doubt it, but thanks a bundle! You made my day! I do seriously WISH I were as good as her though.
Hypergiggles: lol. Aw, thanks for the kneeling at my feet and all that jazz. It was much appreciated. And seeing as Christian Bale was standing right behind you, I must thank you for giving me an excellent view of his face! ;D ah… Christian….Christian and his Lamborghini. Christian makes me not want to sin. Oh the irony…. I just went to hell. When did Steph make Bella go crazy. When Edward came back? Or did I miss something?
The Musings of Artemis: tehehe. You made me cyber giggle, you fiend! But, thanks… and your only a fiend if you put an 'r' behind the 'f'. :D
Savannahx: Chyep… sorry bout that. Apparently I do indeed respond better in the face of death. DARN YOU! I lost my right eye all because you booby trapped Google! You are going to get sued so hard, you won't be able to walk!
ALRIGHT GUYS! SORRY BUT THE NEW CHAPTER SHOULD BE OUT VERY VERY SOON! I just sent it to my beta. SO I"LL FINISH SHOUTING OUT ON THAT! Don't be mad. But I figured you'd want the chapter more anyway.
Chapter 39
I'd always heard tell that insane people were completely unaware to their insanity.
If I ever regained full working function of my mind, I would be sure to give the people who said that a telling off the likes of which they'd never seen, because I was aware – painfully, excruciatingly aware.
My head ached, in the temples, near the base of my neck, in so many spots that my hands couldn't cover them all, and I wasn't so sure that the shattering of my brain was as figurative and metaphorical as I had thought.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I wouldn't let that thing trick me again.
'Edward' was standing just in the doorway with 'Carlisle'. I tried to keep my eyes closed tightly. If I opened them, anguished topaz eyes would make my head hurt harder.
I was curled up on his leather couch that made a sticking sound whenever I shifted or fidgeted, which was often. The Sun appeared to be setting.
I was mildly impressed with the fairy king's work.
Then, I stopped fidgeting, and let the concept of its reality rattle around and settle. That didn't last long and boded ill whenever I was snapped out of it. I would whimper or beg him to stop, and the creature in my husband's form would heave a sob.
Then, I'd know it wasn't real. The pain hit again, and I'd cry and retreat back inside my self-detonating mind.
I knew at some point, I would have to choose to believe one, but I was terrified of being disappointed.
On the one hand, I could buy into it. Seconds later, Edward would shift into a nightmare and I didn't think I could mentally bear that.
On the other, this could, possibly, on some fractional, miraculous off chance, be completely genuine. Then, I would have begged Edward to kill me. He could hate himself so much that he'd do 'what was best for me' and leave again.
I shook violently, and the couch groaned, like it approve of my sitting on it.
I wondered then if I was really sitting on an empty gurney or something... or, I gulped, a not-so-empty one. I leapt from it. The slight indentation I had rocked into it inflated and lifted up.
The couch looked like it was breathing, could breath again without me burdening it.
I sighed, wishing again that I would brush up against a sharp object, anything to end this confusion.
I froze then, my brown eyes locked straight ahead. No. I wouldn't give up like that.
I didn't know where my sudden inspiration came from, but there it was. I'd fight till the bitter end, and almost any end was sure to be bitter.
'Edward', if he was truly Edward at that time, had said that the fairy couldn't be summoned back, that he was still on the loose. Who was to say that he wouldn't come again?
I filtered through the filing cabinets in my recollection, at least, I searched through the ones that hadn't been toppled, burned, or destroyed yet. I cringed when I realized that some of my memories were fuzzy. I was confusing reality with illusion. But, if I could just remember that fairy's name, then I would know.
What was it?
I sunk to the floor, the safe, safe floor. I didn't remember anything lying on the ground of the morgue.
Why couldn't I remember? The battle had been only weeks ago, and I was sure Edward had mentioned it since then.
The strange thought that maybe, just maybe I was actually in Edward's room seeped in again. This time, I tried to rationalize it, make it reasonable, if only to buy me some hope.
Hope was the small ledge keeping me from tipping off into the deep end.
That bit of hope, ironically, was a menacing whisper. I'd heard something before I drifted off...
'Revenge, m'dear, is best served cold anyway.'
That spoke good and ominously at the same time. It meant that I was safe for now, but he would come back for me later.
And another thing, that faery wasn't exactly the most patient of creatures. He never stayed in one illusion for more than a few minutes at most. But this, the time I had been in the Cullen's house, felt like hours.
Suddenly, I chanced a glance at Edward and Carlisle. Edward's eyes were still focused on me, as I knew they'd been all along. His face, though, was angled toward Carlisle's, and his mouth was saying words too fast for me to understand.
I started to rise when I heard the whispers again, those same whispers that had haunted me all night, and I sunk back to the floor and covered my ears again. I knew I must look a sight when I began rocking back and forth. If I did get out of this alive, either way, I'd be thrown into the loony bin for sure, straight jacket, snow white walls, and all. Edward would visit me. I knew he would. My heart sunk at how ashamed I knew I'd feel, how pitiful.
That was me, though. Always the pitiful little human.
I vowed to myself to hold on to something. Parts of my mind that I vividly recalled, would always vividly recall no matter what the situation was, where the three days in the mansion by the lake.
I remembered the feel of him. I could practically feel it now. I remembered his arms around me, the greatly restrained passion in his eyes. I remembered thinking about the things he could do with that same passion unleashed upon me.
I thought about the way he'd woken me up with kisses that first morning, and about the way he had chuckled when I clutched the sheets to my chest and blushed.
'And you always were so eager to have your clothes off around me,' he had said.
I remembered what happened when I let the sheets dropped, the forgotten silver breakfast tray on the floor, a yellow daisy sprouting lopsided out of a crystal vase, the distant sound of an apple being thrown and rolling across the hardwood after I had taken just one bite. That had been when Edward had decided for me that I wasn't really hungry after all... for apples anyway.
He had apologized profusely later, saying that he had let his selfishness get away from him. I told him I was becoming rather fond of his selfishness. The next two days, I had my breakfast veritably shoved down my throat each morning.
Right then, officially loosing my marbles on Edward's floor, I threw my head back and laughed, and didn't stop laughing.
I held on to that memory for as long as I possibly could, giggling uncontrollably till I was out of breath, and the scene had flitted away on hummingbird wings.
"I love you, Edward Cullen," I shouted to the heavens. I said it just in case.
If this wasn't real, he would hear it in the faery's mind. If it was, he really was hearing it.
A whisper near my ear made me start.
"I love you, too, Bella," he said, but his voice sounded so sad.
"He should know," I whispered, not facing those perfect features. "Or you should know," I added.
"He does know. He wishes you would look at him." The voice broke on nearly every word.
I remained staring where I was, at what appeared to be a wall of CD's and records of every color, but what could have been an incinerator.
"...please," the audio silk begged of me. Something cold I knew to be this creature's chin alighted on my shoulder. I turned my head sharply to the left to avoid seeing him, but I could still feel parts of him – the curve of his cheek, the feather-light brushes wisps of his bronze hair that sent shivers down my spine. I remembered running my fingers through that hair, having that cheek rest over my heartbeat.
I didn't have the heart to tell him not to touch me though. I didn't want to see that pain again, real Edward or no. And maybe if I played dead, the faery would get bored.
Suddenly, a marble arm snaked around my waist, the hand attached to it splayed out over my stomach. Slowly, it began pulling me towards its owner.
I let it, limply collapsing against the chest behind me, apathetic beyond all reason.
I wanted to sleep now, just to fall into a dreamless, endless slumber.
"You can sleep, Bella. You can sleep all you want."
I jolted at the same time I felt the muscles behind me tighten.
"Carlisle?" the voice asked, convincing panic infused into it.
What looked like Edward's adoptive father walked towards us.
Edward continued speaking. "I can read her thoughts sometimes." He sounded near hysteria. "Carlisle, what's wrong with her!"
"I'm crazy," I said, answering for everyone. Either way, that fact at least was true.
I was pulled tighter against washboard abs. "No, you're not," he hissed.
"Can you read them now?" Carlisle asked.
"No, but sometimes..." Edward continued, "Now! Oh God, Carlisle, she wants to die!"
I laughed bitterly, although 'laugh' isn't really the correct term. It was more of a bark.
"I believe..." Carlisle began, a sorrowful tone to his voice, too. Yet, there was something else there, an emotional detachment only held by doctors and psychiatrists. "I believe that Findabhair sent her scope of reality in disarray. Played some sort of... mind games."
Findabhair. That was the name. Why would he give it away like that?
"But she's supposed to be safe inside her mind!" Edward argued. "That's why I can't read her thoughts."
"His illusions aren't just in the mind. He actually transforms things physically, but only loosely, like holograms. He's unstabilized her thoughts. That's why you can read them at intervals."
Findabhair...
"Can you read them now?" Carlisle asked.
"No."
"Findabhair, stop!" I cried.
Nothing changed. That should've stopped him. They have to obey when addressed by their name.
I tried again. "Findabhair, let go of me right now." The arms still stayed tightly wrapped around my abdomen.
I collapsed then in sobs. It was real. It was all real.
And the realest part of the entire situation was my losing it. I cried harder. My mind was so unstable that Edward could actually read my thoughts sometimes.
I turned myself around in the arms. Edward must have thought I was trying to struggle because he let go of me immediately and stood.
"No!" I yelled, jumping up and flinging my arms around his body. "I believe you now! Please, don't leave. I believe you!"
His arms wrapped themselves around me.
"I'm sorry," I whimpered.
"You're not the one who should be apologizing."
Whispers floated through the air again. I hunched my shoulders and clamped my hands over my ears to get away.
"What is it?" Edward asked.
"Whispers," I murmured, and then shot my head up.
Edward had a disturbed look in his eyes. Carlisle had the same.
I looked at the doctor. "I'm crazy, aren't I?"
Slowly, like he was afraid to make sudden movements, he shook his head. "No, just... shocked."
"I'm hearing things. Edward," I turned to address him, "I'm so damn unstable you can hear what I'm thinking! I am crazy." I bowed my head, trying to get away from his pitying, perfect orbs. "I'm sorry," I whispered, and I was, sorry that he wouldn't get the normal wife he wanted.
"Shhh," Edward said, rubbing circles into my back. "She needs rest," he said to his father.
Carlisle looked at Edward then, and I could tell he was asking him something via mind communication. Edward threw one hesitant glance at me before nodding to his father.
"I'll go get it then," Carlisle said quickly. He must have thought it was too quick for me to hear.
What? Edward said I needed rest, and Carlisle was going to go get something?
Oh... The cogs cranked and finally fit together.
In horror, I pushed away from Edward and began backing towards the door. "You're going to sedate me?!" I demanded.
Edward's demeanor immediately shifted to something guilty. I couldn't believe him. For the first time since he came back, I was genuinely angry with him. How could he?
A million scenes from movies passed through my head. I saw nameless, faceless people kicking and screaming from the injustice and humiliation of having a needle plunged into their veins all because they were too deranged to be allowed consciousness. I automatically inserted my name.
My face.
A flash of silver caught the corner of my eye. Upon looking at it directly, I saw that it was the keys to my Camaro. I grabbed them and ran out the door, passing Carlisle on the stairs. The remaining Cullens had faces that showed varying stages of shock and pity, all except Alice. She looked downright angry. I didn't stop to ask if it was for me.
Edward caught my arm as I was opening the door.
I whipped around and pushed against him uselessly.
"Where are you going?" he asked. His question wasn't condescending, but I knew that was just because he didn't want to scare me, didn't want me to have another fit.
He had a point, though. I thought about Charlie's before I realized what had happened. Images of his mangled face flashed before my eyes. I shuddered, even though I knew it didn't help my case.
Edward's gaze went from kindness to fright in a heartbeat.
"I don't know."
I saw Carlisle standing by the foot of the stairs, something held behind his back. Like I didn't know what they planned to do...
"What are you going to do next, Edward? Institutionalize me?" I bit.
I could see the hurt etched into his features. Simultaneously, I avenged myself, and died just a little bit.
I yanked my arm away from him hard, vaguely contemplating biting it off in order to escape. He held tight though.
"Bella..." he started, and I looked at him, prepared for an apology. "I'm sorry."
It was an apology, but it wasn't for what he had done. It was for what he was about to do.
It started happening very calmly, not at all like the scenes I imagined.
Edward just stood there, his eyes downcast, his hand holding my wrist firmly.
As Carlisle walked toward us, I tried pulling away, beating on his chest. I was screaming at him, telling him that I couldn't believe he was doing this, and that I thought he loved me, and any other guilt trip I could spoon out. I was crying out of anger and humiliation. Rose, Emmett, and Esme had left, but Jasper and Alice remained. Jasper had his face averted, too. Alice still appeared furious.
The next part happened too quickly for me to know how it actually occurred. All I knew was that Edward was not holding on to me anymore, and that Alice was standing between us with her arms spread out, like Edward's stance in Volterra.
"Alice!" Edward exclaimed.
"Do you know how that feels?!" she snarled. "Do you know how it feels to have people who love you think that you're insane? I know I don't remember my human life, but still! I remember that feeling!" Alice, short as she was, seemed menacing as any Volturi member.
Edward crouched down, in a position that suggested he was ready to fight. His lips drew up over his teeth. "She needs sleep!"
"She needs to make her own choices! She's not incompetent." Alice retorted.
That moment, I'd never respected Alice so much in my life. It tore at my heartstrings though, to see my husband and best friend fighting with each other.
Carlisle walked over and put a hand on Edward's shoulder.
I took that as an opportunity to turn tail and sprint out the door, ignoring Edward's anguish, a force so strong, I could practically feel it like another kind of gravity.
I reached the car, unlocked it, and peeped over my shoulder. Edward was standing in the doorway, Alice watching him warily from the bottom of the porch.
I mouthed, "I'm sorry."
And when hope flashed in his golden orbs, I knew that he didn't understand that I wasn't apologizing for what I had done. I was apologizing for what I would do.
I was leaving, no, fleeing from him.
XXX
Findabhair, Findabhair, Findabhair... I repeated the name to myself as I drove along in case he decided to show up again.
I ignored any whispers I happened to hear. I could overcome them; beat them back into my subconscious I realized after a while. The miniature self-battles went even better after I released some of my paranoia. I still couldn't help but gulp when the sun finally started to set, or when I passed through tunnels of tightly intertwined forest. Squat gray buildings were to be avoided at all costs, too.
I was hopelessly lost, though, and I hated that.
Some statement I was making...
A/N: There's another chapter on the plate. Should be out in a day or so. But in the meantime, read and review. This chapter was short. It was actually only half a chapter, but I couldn't wait to get it out to you! :D