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Gentle Lesson
Chap 36: Crossroads of Time
It is about choice, someone told him once. You choose to live – and that is why we can be called survivors. It fuels our drive – our need to draw breath. In those darkest moments, when that kind of eternal sleep threatens to drown you – you claw to the surface for one more moment of life.
Kakashi attempted to still his shaking hands, closed his mouth – refusing to breakdown and beg and curled up against the stone wall. Shutting his eyes against the dark, he attempted to find that place inside him which he had prepared so long ago for solace. A place of nothingness. A place of emptiness.
He searched through the darkness – but it seemed to be eluding him. Kakashi wondered how it came to this. What was the genesis? Earlier that week? Or those many months – years – before when he rejoined ANBU? Did it begin when he received the B-rank mission – or before when his mask had been lifted by the rough fingers of ANBU Bear?
It was so hard to say...
Had the choice really been his?
In the darkness, there were no answers.
Earlier:
When Team 7 received Tsunade's carefully prepared mission, the reaction was rather mixed. Sasuke, as usual, coolly looked on, but he also sighed with a little disappointment. Sakura was at once relieved about the B rank and a little nervous. Naruto tried to keep a good face on it until he found out the details of the mission – a reconnaisance of the Fire Country's northern border.
"WHHHAAATTT THE HELLLL!!!" The blonde-haired Jounin tossed the scroll on the floor. "This is some shitty mission! What do we look like? Babies? Sasuke, tell them!"
"NARUTO!" Sakura suddenly loomed up on Naruto's horizon threateningly, her large fists shaking. "Shut the hell up and listen to the Hokage!"
"Idiot – you're making a bigger scene with your yelling..." Sasuke sniffed, obviously miffed by the fact Team 7 was still sounding juvenile.
Kakashi, standing behind his ex-students, suddenly felt rather old. They were no longer short and whiny kids who freaked out at the smallest things. No.
They have grown with age – and not just with experience but... heightwise, too... mused Kakashi, realizing that his eyes were now level with Sasuke and Naruto. And Sakura might not be the tallest... but...
He watched the pink-haired kunoichi drag Naruto away to give him "a talk".
Quite strong. Yes...
Bending down quietly, he picked up the scroll, aware of so many eyes watching his back. Trying to analyze his reactions – trying to guess what he'd think -
More than ever, Kakashi was glad for his mask. It hid his own ambivalence about the whole affair. Part of him was relieved about leaving the suffocating tenderness that was Konoha – and part of his pride felt injured that Tsunade had so little faith in her nin.
Ah well... It's just good that we'll be far away from here in a day or so. I was seriously starting to get...
He cocked his head thoughtfully trying to put a mood to it
Annoyed? Frustrated? Angry?
No... None of those seem to fit... Well, it's not like I'm the master at defining an emotion...
Somehow the word "emotion" made him feel uncomfortable as well. It brought back memories of Rin, Sensei – Minato-Sensei... the Sandaime...
His Father.
So, Kakashi stood there, unmoved by Sasuke and pocketed the mission scroll without a word and turned away, hand waving gentle good-bye to the room in a nonchalant matter. As if Sasuke wasn't sulking. As if Sakura shrieking angrily as she pulled Naruto out room by his feet.
Ah yes. Team 7. How could I have forgotten.
Two days later, Team 7 had finally settled down with a workable routine. Sasuke and Naruto, the more energetic bunch, took point while Sakura and Kakashi carried the larger packs. The Copy Nin didn't complain about his status as pack horse – too much – but he still wondered – often out loud – what kinds of things Naruto had taken along with him on the trip. Sakura's snorts and laughter in response to his insane guesses buoyed his flagging spirits.
"I swear – it feels like books. You don't think he's into porn romances do you?" Kakashi mused. "Ahhh... Perhaps I have passed on a better gift than jutsus to my students... an appreciation of literary art –"
The Copy Nin jolted forward almost losing his balance thanks to a rather powerful slap to the back of his head – curtesy of Sakura.
"Ehhh..." He winced in her general direction when he righted himself. "So harsh. So cold. And to a patient too!"
"Patient my ass," Sakura huffed, glaring back. "Pervert!"
But there was laughter in her eyes and he smiled back.
"Have you ever had the feeling that you are being watched?" Naruto asked later on that night as the four huddled around a fire, which had been conveniently created by Sasuke's Katon no Jutsu.
"Mission nerves again?" Sasuke snorted. "But then, why are we surprised?"
"My jumpiness has saved us before -"
"Huh... and harmed countless animals -"
"What? Since when do I hurt animals?"
"The rabbit back on that first mission we had with Zabuza -"
"That's only one animal that can hardly be called "countless" now -"
"BOYS!!!"
Sakura's yell rocked the forest. Kakashi sighed.
Somethings never change, I guess.
"Now, now, Sakura," Kakashi raised his hands placatingly. "Let's just all calm down... Naruto, stop arguing with Sasuke. It's seriously getting old..."
"Sensei... she's scary!" Naruto whined.
Sasuke mumbled something that sounded alot like "grow up" - but no one found out for sure because for a moment they all tensed as a faint tingling washed over them. A sense of chakra – which disappeared just as quickly as it came.
"See?" Naruto stiffened, grabbing hold of his kunai. "I told you so!"
"Hmmm... This mission had better not get any more complicated," Sakura growled. "I swear – it's like Team 7 has a mission curse! Like something is out to get us!"
Sasuke sighed and then massaged his temples, wishing he was anywhere but there.
"Really, Naruto," he rolled his eyes. "It could just be some nins passing by on another mission. Who knows who it could have been? It was small enough to be even a civilian..."
Kakashi nodded in agreement.
"Sasuke is right," the Copy Nin said quietly. "If it is malevolent and out to get us – then we will know by morning either way. Let's set watch – Sakura will take first watch, I'll take second watch, Naruto take third and Sasuke, fourth. Right then, to sleep!"
Everyone settled down quickly, recognizing the no-nonsense behind Kakashi's tone as the immediate signal. Now was not the time to be playing around – malevolent or no – the warning was sufficient. They were professionals on a battlefield and it was Team 7's mission that was at stake – no matter the ranking. Without further ado, Naruto completed a few breathing exercises before falling asleep. Sasuke followed suit.
For awhile Sakura watched the fire, stood up and walked around a bit setting up some basic barriers and traps. After completing a set of stretches and exercises, she sat back down on her log of choice and watched her three boys – as she liked to think of them now. Naruto was flat out on his back, stretched out and totally defenceless. Sasuke lay peacefully on his side, legs bent a little, hand ready on a kunai.
And Kakashi...
There, her eyes lingered, noticing how the Copy Nin had curled up, facing the fire, a kunai stuck in the ground near his head ready for use at any time. The grey hair was groomed and clean (for the most part) and the face beneath it – relaxed and a little fuller. Kakashi had regained his healthier weight from the early days... It relieved the medic to know that he was doing well.
But the dark eye that impassively stared at the fire – the flames swallowed up in the dark depths of that eye. There was no reflection in the empty stare – just a patient kind of suffering. It bothered her – once again, she wanted to reach out and cradle the nin -
Her face suffused with red and she jerked away to stare at the fire, knowing that now was definitely NOT the time or place to start coming onto the Copy Nin. Instead, she peeked at him again, as he lay there motionlessly.
"You aren't sleeping," Sakura whispered softly, feeling rather idiotic for stating the obvious.
Kakashi shifted.
"It's been harder lately," he admitted after a moment. "The dark isn't so kind. And the memories..."
"They will surface more and more often as your mind begins to reorganize itself," Sakura explained. "It's going to get worse before it gets better, I am afraid. You have come a long way – but it will be......"
Sakura hesitated.
"..... awhile...."
There was nothing said – but an air of doubt hung in the air. Kakashi grimaced. "Never" seemed more like reality. But he said nothing, feeling that Sakura's optomism was perhaps the most fortunate thing yet that had happened to him.
"... before you'll be back to the old you," Sakura ended rather hurriedly.
Kakashi nodded non-commitantly and sighed. Therein lay another depressing problem.
What did the "old you" look like?
On the third day, while settling down for the third evening camp out (which always included some songs by the two boys followed by arguing followed by a Sakura-styled smack-down followed by Kakashi-styled interventions), a mist crept in – cold and dark and generally uncomfortable. Kakashi had brought along two blankets ("for in case" he had said) – and they took turns huddling under the warm wool as each sat for their watch. Naruto, on the final watch as always, found himself more sleepy than usual.
Sasuke, bundled up in the smaller blanket, had fallen asleep right away, but Kakashi and Sakura suddenly found it rather embarassing to cuddle together under the second one. Kakashi suddenly felt all arms and all feet as Sakura finally seated herself between his legs, pressing her warm back up against his chest. By the minute, he felt himself grow steadily hotter – and become even more electrified by her close presence. But she said nothing – and he couldn't find any words to show how uncomfortable (or comfortable) he was getting by the minute.
Still, underneath the exhileration, Kakashi felt even more depressed. He didn't know what to think – but he knew that he felt regret. No matter what Rin had said – no matter what Sakura told him every day, Kakashi felt sorrow over days long gone and opportunities lost. There was no way he could go back and change his choices. He was who he had become – a loner, a social misfit – and someone who would find it hard to become intimate with another human being again.
Kakashi sat there, arms lightly wrapped around his favourite kunoichi. And felt alone.
The silences weighed him down like heavy stones dragging down a drowning man. It was so cold where he was – alone – abandoned – and left to stand out in the cold – to watch as the one he loved cradled the one he hated. Part of him howled with the madness of defeat and loneliness – and part of him wanted to run out and grab the Copy Nin and take him for his own. But another part of him understood the risks. After all, the pink-haired medic was not alone. There was also the Uchiha and the Jinchuuriki to think about. So, instead, he sat and brooded and then, after a moment, chose the best option.
It would be quiet. It would be silent. It would be deadly – like him.
Soon he would be reunited.
Yukio would never have to be alone again.
The mist crept over the rolling hills, drifting through the trees, twining around the vegetation and settling cold misty fingers over the land. It hung there, resistant to the pull of the wind, blanketing everything in a cold greyness. As Kakashi clung to Sakura, drifting off to sleep, it seemed to him that there was a whisper of something in the air...
The last thing he saw was Naruto's red and black jacket silhoetted against the small campfire.
Naruto opened his eyes hazily and blinked. Everything was a smear of grey, green and... black... and pink? The black and the pink faded in – out – and then focused slowly until the grey and green sharpened into a rather dirty sky fronted by the green leaves of the trees above him. And then, the pink and the black made more sense – Sasuke's sharp face – pulled in an even deeper frown that usual – his dark hair wildly messed.
"What's wrong?" croaked Naruto. "Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?"
"No," was Sasuke's sharp reply. "Just the fact that an idiot fell asleep on his watch -"
"SHIT!" Naruto bolted upright.
"- and Sensei is gone," Sasuke added.
"SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!" Naruto jumped to his feet, his head turning this way and that as he looked left and then right – as if expecting Kakashi to jump out of the greenery laughing at them.
But he didn't. Instead, Sakura appeared back inside their forest camp circle, looking even more upset than usual. The boys said nothing – knowing how she must feel. It wasn't too hard to guess how much the pink-haired kunoichi loved the Copy Nin. Naruto shrank under the medic's glare and sighed.
"Listen, Sakura – I'm sorry – I don't know what happened – I just fell asleep and..."
"The mist is gone."
"Sorry -" Naruto blinked.
"She's right," Sasuke sniffed the air, watchfully. "It was the mist."
"Wha-"
"Clueless as always," sighed Sasuke.
"Sasuke," Sakura waved her hand. "Let's focus. How're we going to find him? We took the trackers off of him – didn't we?"
"Well, if the kidnapper – can we call it that? A kidnapping?"
"He wouldn't leave us like this," Sakura glared at Sasuke. "How can you say that?"
"Yeah," Naruto nodded. "Kakashi-sensei is strange and stuff – but he doesn't pull stunts like that on a mission. He's been kidnapped alright!"
"Well," Sasuke sighed, hoping that his teammates were right. "Anyways, if the kidnapper had any smarts, he'd have done a check and neutralized anything we put on him anyways. No. We are going to have to think this through. Like – getting an idea of where we are exactly. Did we figure that out last night? Do we have the map – or is it with Kakashi-sensei?"
"I got it," Naruto said, tugging out a rather squashed wad of paper which turned out to be their map. "I thought I'd do a bit of pre-planning..."
"Pre-planning – isn't that something -"
"Shut up," Sakura cut off Sasuke's jibe rather sharply. "This is no time for joking around -"
"Blah blah blah," Naruto rolled his eyes. "Anyways, take a look – if we are where I think we are -"
"Which is something I doubt," Sasuke added, dismissively ignoring Sakura's glare.
"Then, we are really in the middle of nowhere."
"But Kakashi can't disappear into nowhere."
"Apparently, he did," Sasuke murmured. "Unless... what are those?"
"Outpost stations, I should imagine," Sakura blinked. "You know, holding supplies and such for emergencies."
"So any nin would naturally go for those kinds of locations?"
"And work outwards from there, yes. Perhaps."
"It's a long shot," Naruto said thoughtfully. "But Sasuke is right... let's try it out... We can get to the first outpost in five hours..."
"Naruto – send one of your summons to Tsunade," Sakura nodded decisively. "She needs to know about this fiasco right away."
Naruto nodded and began to work on a note to Tsunade. While the blonde-haired Jounin worked on his summons, Sakura and Sasuke set about packing up the camp. Quickly the fire was doused and the remaining packs were split up between the three Jounin. In each burned a fire of resolution. Kakashi had been taken away from them before.
This time, they were going to go all out to get him back.
When Kakashi opened his eyes, there was nothing but dark. Immediately, his muscles flexed as he attempted to rise. But long rope-like strands held him down to the cold surface – forcing his stare upward into what wasn't the night.
He knew what the night looked like after all. Alone, Kakashi had spent many nights under the stars and the clouds of night. It was peaceful sometimes. Lonely most times. Terrifying now.
Gasping, he attempted to free himself. And failed. Kakashi wildly looked around – there was nothing but pitch-black everywhere. Shutting his eyes helped little. The nin focussed on his breathing instead.
In. Out. In. Out.
He tried to imagine Sakura and her bright voice – but the dark called to him. From the inside as well as out. Like a black hole, it swirled around, sucking out memory and comfort. Leaving only pain and fear. Betrayal, shame and depression.
In. Out....
I cannot panic, he told himself. I am Hatake Kakashi, son of White Fang. I am the Copy Nin. I am ANBU Wolf.
He wondered who it was who had trapped him – or perhaps it was the Other. The last tormentor. Kakashi's deepest fear welled up – it had all been a dream. And now, he was called out from it – and the pain would begin again – and again – No!
"Let me out!" he called, his voice rough with panic.
"No," was the whispered response through the dark. Low, quiet and heavy with threat. "You're with me now..."
Fingers – seeming both icy and firey – coasted along Kakashi's face.
His mask was gone! Although there was a bandage over his Sharingan. Kakashi thrashed even more, as realized that he was going nowhere.
"Please -"
"It will be alright," was the soothing reply. "You are here with me now. I'm going to take care of you!"
Kakashi couldn't respond – he clenched his eyes shut and buried himself in the inner warm darkness of his soul. He would find that place he found shelter in. He would find it – the dream he had loved so much.
Sakura.
"Sakura."
At the sound of the kunoichi's name, Yukio's fingers recoiled from his lover's lips as though the words breathed on air had burnt his skin. It hung in the cold darkness like a firey reminder of all that Yukio was not. What he lacked. What he could never give.
The dark ANBU thought of the girl's green eyes – as alive as the leaves of trees. Pink hair that swirled attractively around a pale face. A large smile that began in the eyes and ended in full lips. And he had seen care and a desire to nurture. Sakura didn't take Kakashi away from the light and bury him under the earth.
No ropes bound the Copy Nin to the girl. Only words and actions of love.
In the dark, holding the thing he wanted the most, ANBU Bear felt the incompletion that was himself. He had thought Kakashi's absence had been the problem.
But... It wasn't the loss of Kakashi after all, he mused with a bitter laugh. It was the loss of me. Myself. Us. My self that had something to offer. It was me. I lost myself – otherwise, how could I not be happy with the one thing I wanted the most. He is here – but there is no joy because... I am not here... I can never be here with him...
It seemed so ludicrous. All that planning. All that anger. All that following and searching and stealing and hiding.... All for nothing...
All for nothing...
No.
Yukio smiled into the dark.
Not all for nothing. If I can't have him, he can't have anyone. We are, after all, together in this...
Twining his fingers with Kakashi's, Yukio smiled.
We will take that road together.
Forming the seals, Yukio whispered the jutsu he had thought over so long. Like this, he would die, and Kakashi would eventually follow, his chakra bleeding into the walls of the very thing that trapped him.
Yukio's eyes darkened as the seal took effect.
They would be together forever.
As it should be.
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