Evangelion Divergence part 5 Closing hearts

by VillageoutsideR

Shinji discovers the secret kept from him by two friends, Asuka searches for distractions from the pain in her heart, other things bubble up, OOC, continuation from my last part any advice or comments welcome, always looking to improve, trigger warnings for suicide and abuse, some slight shinji x asuka in chap 1, all nsfw chaps will have labels

1. Chapter 1

Asuka was stretched out on her bed, her legs hanging off its edge slowly kicking back and forth. Her heels knocking into the wooden frame making it rattle slightly. She let out a long sigh picking up her phone and glancing at its screen on which unit 02 stood tall front and center, it's green eyes staring straight forward.

From any angle it looked like the Eva's eyes were following her, Asuka stared into them blankly until she put her thumb in the center of the screen unlocking it. After manipulating the screen for a bit, she pulled up the school's online canvas site. Clicking students, she scrolled down the register until she saw him.

Kazuo Yamada.

She felt her heart flutter for a second before her cheeks started to burn, looking at his school portrait it looked like he was winking and giving her a sly smile as if he knew who was looking at him. Clicking on his picture Asuka found his information, his email, his number… his address.

God… am I really going to do this?

Asuka thought to herself before clicking the number and hitting send message.

Hey… its Asuka

Guess what?

I finally decided that you've earned my number

So, what're you going to give me in return?

As soon as the last message sent Asuka rolled her eyes calling herself stupid, she wasn't getting hung up over this guy, was she? But it seemed like he was the only one who wanted something to do with her other than her duties as an EVA pilot.

Relentlessly she kept refreshing the screen waiting for the text bubble to pop up, or maybe even an incoming call screen. A slight groan escaped her throat as she felt her chest tighten and burn with anger.

"Useless." She muttered. Asuka sighed again sitting up she lightly tossed her phone on the pillow, the screen reading 8:45 just before it went black. Her stomach grumbled taking her look of disdain away, hopping to her feet she walked over to the bathroom to see herself in the mirror. There she stood in a pastel yellow shirt that hung loosely from her body, and a pair of light blue shorts both belonging to Misato.

Bunching the shirt up she lifted it up to see her stomach. Letting her hand slide down it she felt its smoothness and tightness until she felt a slight bulge just beneath her bellybutton. Frowning she twisted her waist and checked the upper sides of her torso and faintly saw bone, or at least the very bare outline of her ribcage.

Running one of her small fingers down either side she felt the grooves and indentures. Letting the shirt drop once she felt the rumbling of her stomach protesting its empty state, she rubbed her aching head feeling what felt like tiny clawed hands trying to tear their way out of her body. "Ugh, where is that moron Shinji? It's almost nine and he hasn't shown up yet."

Walking out in a huff Asuka made her way to the kitchen, passing pen-pen who sat in a recliner watching one of his soap operas beer in hand with a bucket of popcorn to his side.

Jeez even a penguin is better at taking care of itself than you. Do you really have to wait for stupid old Shinji to come by and make you din-din? Are you that pathetic or are you just lonely?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up." Asuka growled to herself squeezing her eyes shut imaging that one tiny self-hating part of her was being crushed and compacted into a tiny ball at the front of her skull. And after being crushed with so much force that it turned to dust and left her body.

Letting out a deep breath she felt better but only slightly as she dug around the cabinets and fridge looking for anything that could be whipped up quick enough and would satisfy her craving. But the only things she found were beer, microwaveable meals that just looked plain unappetizing and some old meals Shinji cooked that had started to turn. Slamming the fridge in frustration Asuka grabbed a bag of chips and slumped into one of the chairs at the table eyeing the door and waiting for Shinji's inevitable return.

"Where could that idiot be? Like he has anywhere important to be." huffing Asuka popped a potato chip into her mouth grimacing at its salty and dry taste. Pushing the bag away she laid her head flat on the table and stared at the door, she wondered why she was wasting all her energy wondering about Shinji. He could take care of himself, he was a big boy by now or he should have been.

"I told myself that I never needed anyone… that I would live on my own. That I'd take care of myself and here I am waiting on daddy's boy to come and make me something to eat. He's probably at wonder girl's place and here I am waiting on him… god I'm pathetic."

Asuka rolled from her ear to her chin and eyed the cabinets, they still had some ingredients and other things. Maybe she could whip herself up some food after all how hard could it be if Shinji could do it?

Just as she was about to stand up and get started the door opened with a slow creak and inside walked Shinji not bothering to close the door as he shambled inside looking to the floor softly muttering to himself.

"Now where have you been? Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting here? Well do you? Answer me Shinji!" Her loud boisterous voice didn't even seem to faze Shinji, he just kept his head slumped as he shuffled on down the halls with his hair partially covering his face.

His shoes squeaked as they slid across the wood flooring, not even batting an eye at her he turned the corner and walked down the hallway to his room.

Standing upright so quickly her chair was knocked back Asuka stomped after him, "Hey don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you!"

Finally catching up with him she gripped his shoulder tightly, yanking him towards her she shoved him against the wall. Pinning him there with her arm she used her free hand to lift his face up to see that his eyes were all red, dry and puffy.

With twin drying streaks of tears leaving his eyes to his jawline, Asuka had to fight from letting her shocked gasp from leaving her body. With her brow have furrowed she let her arm that was pinning Shinji's chest to the wall fall from his body and with that he limply slumped down until his head was barely below her waist.

Normally if this was the case, she would have either kneed or kicked him but now he just looked empty. "Shinji?"

Her voice wavered as she stepped back resting on her knees to get to his eye level. "Shinji?"

His lips moved slightly, his voice almost inaudible like the sound of silk being rubbed against itself. "What?"

"I- I can't believe… Rei… Nathan. The two of them… together… this whole time… behind my back"

Her eyes grew wide as her mind filled in the gaps, as she tried to form some kind of answer her ears picked up Shinji's soft voice merely repeating what he had already said. She almost couldn't believe it, this whole-time teacher's pet and Nathan were together… doing it? Nathan had always rubbed her the wrong way and Rei carried some kind of air around her that made her uneasy, but she never thought the two of them were capable of something like this.

Even then just the thought of someone like Rei doing that stuff twisted her stomach. Standing up, Asuka gripped Shinji by his wrist and pulled him into her room sitting him upright on the bed she sat next to him. "Shinji?"

"I- I can't believe… I thought… she… liked me. I thought he was my friend."

Asuka giving up on forming any kind of sentence let him continue to vent. "But there they were back at NERV… I should have known better…"

He slowly lifted his head up and turned to look Asuka in the eye, she hadn't even noticed how close they were. She could feel his huffing breath leave his nose and tickle her neck and collarbone. She never noticed just how grey and bright his eyes were, they stared right at her shimmering in the light.

But they looked sad and lonely. But now all he saw was her.

"I'm so stupid! To think someone could feel that way about me! To think someone could feel anything for me! People only want me here so I can pilot the EVA! Father probably put her up to all of this… why didn't I see it all before? Why did I ever bother coming here?"

He turned away from her, burying his face in his hands. She had never seen him like this, so beaten down, so sad, so broken. She could hear him make those wet choking sobs in his throat but between his fingers she could see that he wasn't able to cry anymore.

Asuka couldn't help but feel something inside herself, it was as if there was a tickle or a shivering inside of her heart. Something about the way Shinji was crying seemed familiar as if she had heard those noises once before but from herself. It was the kind of crying that you only did once everything was ripped away from you, the kind where it felt as if you were skinned alive and were left in an ice-cold room.

"I wish I never came here, they're all just using me!" He let out a small quivering gasp as his shoulders shook, racking his whole body with tiny tremors, "I just want to leave… I'm so tired, I don't want to be here anymore."

Hearing those noises coming from him reminded her of that time… when she found her mother hanging in the attic. How she cried out for her, cried for her to move or to speak to her. Asuka remembered running up to her and grabbing her mother's dress burying her face in it as she pleaded for her mother not to leave her alone. Now here sat Shinji alone and broken, crying out for someone.

Thinking back Asuka wondered how long she had stayed there in the attic with her mother, did she even call out for her father? Wasn't it dark when he arrived back home? Wasn't he with that woman at her house the night mama died? How long did she stay there kneeling underneath her swinging mother crying into her dress?

Asuka turned away from Shinji, looking to her nightstand. Subtly she moved her hand to the phone and tapped the screen, no new messages. Nothing, Kazuo hadn't gotten back to her. Why would he anyways? He probably already got what he wanted.

And now what use did he have for her? He had his fun and now he didn't need her anymore. He was probably shacking up with another girl already, now she was unneeded. Totally unnecessary, he probably now wouldn't even give her the time of day much less look in her direction.

Asuka balled up her fists, she felt so stupid. How could she have fallen for that guy's words, how could she have gone and done that in the school no less. She felt absolutely disgusted with herself, then again that's what all boys did right? They just thought with their junk and once they've had their fun, they find another hole to go stick it in. That's what her father did, once her mother had started to slowly lose her mind, he found someone younger. Apparently until death do us part meant nothing to him. Asuka thought gritting her teeth scowling all the while Shinji silently wept right beside her, Shinji…

She relaxed her face and let out a heavy breath, even after her lungs emptied themselves her chest still felt tight. Asuka still felt angry but now more than anything she felt betrayed, Kazuo wasn't getting back to her, and her father the man who was supposed to love and stay with only her mother had gone back on his vows all because now his wife had become a burden. Then next thing she knew he was fawning over the new one, the half-brother.

Then it was only her and Unit 02, it was the only thing she could rely on to stay. It was always there standing still in its cage waiting for her to climb in. And of course, there was Mr. Kaji but then Misato had to come back into the picture, and it seemed he always stuck around her.

Asuka let her head sink, it seemed like every male she let into her life… they all just kept leaving her. Each for their own reasons but here and now… Shinji he was here right next to her. He'd never leave, not as long as he was needed to pilot the EVA. They were both bound together by circumstance, they'd always be right next to each other whether they liked it or not.

Humanity would always need the EVAs, whether it was to fight the angels or each other. And Asuka would never abandon or let herself be forced away from Unit 02, she'd rather die. As for Shinji as long as people like Misato kept buttering him up, he would stay. No matter the abuse EVA gave him or even what Asuka herself could put him through he would still stay, so as long as someone gave him one kind word.

He was trapped here with her, he'd never leave. But she had heard how he ran away once.

Asuka glanced at Shinji from the corners of her eyes then they darted away. Maybe… she could give him some encouragement to stay. She had done it before, besides that is ultimately what every guy wanted right? If she did this one thing for him, there would no way he would leave. Besides at least it might be enough to make him to stop crying, maybe if she did this one thing for him it would be enough for him to stay. Even if he stopped piloting the EVA.

"Shinji?" she murmured softly. He didn't move, he stayed in his spot on the edge of Asuka's bed with his limp torso hanging past his knees looking like a collapsed marionette. Asuka tentatively reached out a hand to put on his small shoulder, but just as the tiny grooves in her fingerprints could feel the stiff starchy cloth he stood up.

Then in a janky almost drunken manner he walked away from her bed, and once he turned the corner, he took a few more steps until she heard his door softly slid shut. She followed the path he took out of her room and stood in the doorway, for a few seconds the light in his room was turned on and she saw his shadow through the paper-thin door. Shinji stood in the middle of the room letting his backpack slowly slip off his body right before he took his shirt off and let if fall from his hands. In the same slow robotic manner, he saw Rei had done when they changed together for their fight with Ramiel.

Asuka continued to stare up until she saw his hands go to his belt line and he stepped out of his pants. Just then her phone chirped to life, glancing over her shoulder she saw the screen flash green a few times. Kazuo had finally texted her back.

She looked back to Shinji's door, it looked like he was getting dressed again. But then her phone caught her attention yet again, and for a second felt like she was tearing in two. She made a half-hearted fist and lightly punched her doorway, for the first time in forever she wished Misato was there. She'd know what to do or… at least would probably have gone and handled whatever Shinji was going through. Sighing she walked away from the door and took her phone to the kitchen.

Setting a small pot of water to boil she grabbed some instant coffee mix and a bag of cookies and sat down, resting her chin on the table. Opening her messages, she saw what Kazuo had sent her.

Hey baby

What up?

Your friend misses you

What he sent her next didn't surprise her in the slightest. She merely just rolled her eyes at it but clicking her phone off for one split second she stared at the black screen. Is this all I am to him, does he just want me for this? She wondered to herself.

But once she heard the water start to boil and bubble, she got up and poured it over the small pre-mixed grains and into her cup. Adding four sugars and a splash of cream she sat back down and taking a cookie into her mouth began to text back Kazuo.

Her thumbnails made tiny clicks on the screen as they danced around typing.

Hey… any plans this weekend?

After Asuka clicked send, she began sipping her coffee. Not caring about how it was singeing her mouth. Popping another cookie into her mouth she began refreshing her messages over… over and over again, hoping he'd get back to her.

But nothing, her phone still read no new messages.

Sighing she rested her face on its side watching the steam float from the top of her mug, she tried to imagine the tiny wisps making tiny pictures but all she saw were those misshapen angel things… the ones she saw in her nightmares.

The ones that tore her and her fellow pilots apart, for a brief second, she felt tiny stabs from claws in her sides. She shivered before taking another sip warming herself up, sighing she tried to relish the taste. Sighing she pushed away the mug and laid her face flat on the table again, letting her finger hit the home button on her phone, still nothing.

"This is what I get for trying to rely on anyone…" Asuka said letting her voice trail off before she heard a thudding crash coming from down the hallway, snapping up she knocked her chair to the floor. Her chest pounded with fear as to what was the cause of the noise that sounded like piles of furniture falling from a two-story building. Her mind raced at the possibilities, she hadn't even noticed that she was still holding onto her phone.

Slipping it into her back pocket by instinct she continued walking to the hallway, she swore she heard the faint noise of creaking like wood under some kind of heavy weight. But even then, the hard wood flooring never seemed to creak. As Asuka walked near her door, she realized the noise was coming from Shinji's room. Standing outside she saw that his lights were turned off, not bothering to knock she put her fingers on the door and just as she was about to slide it open, she meekly called out.

"Shinji." In a small voice.

But there was no answer only the creaking of the wood.

She placed her hands on the door and then in a rush afraid of what she would see flung it open almost making the door rattle out of its frame but when it opened fully she saw Shinji sitting in the center of his room with what little furniture he had broken and the loose bits of wood limply swinging, creaking with each movement.

"Shinji?"

Not answering her all he said was, "I was never good enough for her… I'm not good enough for anyone. Not even for my aunt and uncle… never good enough for anyone."

He flung a piece of white wire, maybe his phone charger away that landed somewhere amongst the broken furniture. Asuka let her eyes drift around the room to a suitcase and a medium sized duffle bag, both already looked like they were stuffed to capacity.

"Why are your bags packed?" She asked quickly almost by instinct before her mind could make a single guess as to why.

Shinji sat upright and brought his knees to his chest, not bothering to look at her he answered. "I never bothered unpacking… since the first time I ran away. Anyways…. Why do you care? You never liked me since the minute we first met."

Asuka let out a small grunt as she felt her eyes dart off him and look into a far-off corner of his room, it was a small patch of wall where he had taped up some photos. Walking over she squatted and saw them at eye level. Polaroids of him and the two other idiots, the blue haired wonder, a candid of Nathan. A few of her and Hikari, each photo of the others except Nathan had them smiling and hanging off one another.

Near the center photo was a picture of all of them except the freak, he wasn't in the picture, but Rei was. Her and Shinji holding hands in the center of all their school friends each dressed in their yukatas from the festival. And in the center next to it was a picture that looked like it was torn in two, in it stood a woman with a white lab coat on it with part of an arm around her shoulders.

In her arms was a small baby barely a boy, his face hiding away in her neck and chest, something about her seemed familiar but she stood proud with a smile on her face. Her green emerald eyes and close-cut brown hair that seemed to get longer near the back of her neck. Asuka could only make out half of the boy's face but it was clear who it was.

She felt tempted to pluck the picture from its spot on the wall but decided against it, she looked back over her shoulder to see Shinji still curled up his arms wrapped around his head, walking over she saw his nose resting on his forearms. "Shinji?"

She placed an arm on his shoulder, but he jerked away leaving her grasping at air and turned his head away from her. "Why are you still here Asuka?"

Shifting around until they were face to face, Asuka rested on her knees and asked, "Why's that photo ripped?"

"Which one?"

"You know which one I mean dummy."

He lifted his head up for a moment before resting it on his knees that he was hugging close to his chest. Looking Asuka in the eye for a moment before letting out a small breath out his nose, "The picture isn't mine. It was my aunt's, I found it my last day living with them before I came to Tokyo. She had it hidden away under the floorboards, like some dirty secret. When I asked why she had it hiding I couldn't help but tear his part of the picture out of it."

"Who's part?"

"My father. That bastard! He lied to me! He came to their house one day, I thought he was there for me, but no he was there for the photo of my mother! He came wanting to take it with him and then all these years later I find out he burned every single photo of her ever taken! This is the only piece of her I have left, the only thing that proves she existed! And he tried to take her away from me! What did I ever do to him…?"

Asuka felt her eyes sink, "At least you have a photo of her…" she softly murmured, thinking back to that mansion's attic back in Germany. Where the last few photos of her real mother and father were kept like a dirty secret away from the public eye, much like she was in the last days of her life. The only reason Asuka never bothered taking a photo of her away from that cold dusty attic was because of the memories, even when they announced her, and Unit 02 would be moving to Japan things were still too fresh. Her eyes began to sting as she gritted her teeth trying to fight the tears back using a fist to wipe them away before they could streak down her cheeks. "Sorry."

A small voice perked up, looking up Asuka's eyes met with Shinji's. They were wide open and shimmering with tiny spots of light in his stormy eyes, but now he was staring her eye to eye. "What?"

"Sorry… that you don't have a picture of your mom, sorry for only thinking about myself. Just sorry… I wish things were better for you."

Asuka felt her heart start to pound in her chest, her eyes weren't twitching to fight back tears anymore. They were just focused on Shinji's eyes and how soft and lonely they looked. Even when he was shouting about how much he hated his father, they never looked angry, they never looked like hers. They just looked hurt, she felt herself leaning forward, her hair started to curl around her eyes like blinders only letting her see him.

Shinji started to lean back, his small chest rising rapidly like a rabbit's, "Asuka what are you doing?" he asked his breath shaking.

Asuka kept quiet until her forehead touched his, with their noses rubbing against one another's their lips were millimeters away. They already felt each other's shaky nervous breath, "A-are-are you sure?" he whispered.

She nodded rapidly then before Shinji could take a single breath Asuka wrapped her lips around Shinji's moaning as she deeply kissed the boy making him fall on his back shuddering as he felt her collapse onto him both of her hands scooping his head up, her fingers running through his hair. And her hair like a soft and silky veil wrapped around both of their heads hiding them as they played with the position of one another's lips, Shinji began to shyly slip his tongue into her mouth.

Feeling her shudder and melt into his body like butter he let out a small moaning, "Asuka…"

His felt his hands by his waist shaking as they ran themselves on the floor. His knees trembled as they buckled up scooping Asuka into his lap, she stopped kissing him and began to breathe heavily, "Hua, hua, hua, it's okay Shinji. I want this, I want to feel your hands."

Before he could register her desires, she reconnected their lips making his hands shoot to her back and felt her shoulder blades moving under her smooth cool flesh. He let his fingers slide down her spine with one hand he cupped her chest and the other felt each connecting point between her vertebrae.

"Shinji…" she moaned.

Shinji's legs started to grow hot and turn to jelly, he felt his stomach start to cramp as his blood rushed away from his heart to his fingertips and other places. Before he knew it, he felt Asuka's lap against his and Shinji's small hands had found their way onto her backside and were rubbing the two fleshy mounds in clockwise circles. There was a small clack, opening his eyes he saw Asuka's phone land face up from her back pocket.

"Why are you stopping?" She asked trying to catch her breath, her cheeks rosy.

"Sorry… uh- your phone."

"Forget about it, do you… should we?"

Shinji took a moment to mull it over, and soon found his hands on her waist trailing up her sides with his fingers hooked under her shirt giving a sly smirk Asuka raised her arms and let Shinji pull her shirt over her face. Stopping halfway he left her nose and everything above it covered, staring at her small lips that were curled into a wide smile Shinji couldn't help but bring her closer to him and kiss her.

"Hey… if you leave me like this, I can't take it off." She said coyly.

Biting his lip in embarrassment eyeing her cotton bra he asked, "Could I take it off?"

Smiling, Asuka simply nodded. Wrapping his arms around her back he undid both the clasps with a small clack and then letting out a shaky breath he let it slip off her small shoulders and eyed her chest.

"So?" she asked mischievously, Shinji couldn't help but stare wanting to do nothing more than to hold her body close to him and worship the two fleshly mounds she was presenting him, "Maybe if you'd touch them…?"

Letting out a shaking breath he nodded completely forgetting half of her face was still obstructed by her shirt, he brought his face close to her neck and began kissing her working his way to her collarbone. Feeling her shiver at his kisses he began to feel that balled-up tightness in his chest and fire in his brain start to calm down as he was faced with her bare chest.

But just as he was about to kiss the tops of her chest, her phone chirped to life and by instinct Shinji's eyes landed on the glowing screen to the green bubble with the white text.

Kazuo- Naw don't have any plans…

Kazuo- Can't stop thinking about what we did at the school

Kazuo- Hey there's a club my dad owns, I can get us in. Maybe we go dancing then back to my place ; ) ?

Shinji felt his heart sink, shaking his head he let Asuka slip from his hands. The same, they were all the same, Asuka didn't care about him. She was just using him, nobody cared. "Hey why'd you stop?"

"Get away from me." Shinji muttered flatly at this point he didn't think he could put any inflection in his voice even if he tried. "What?"

"Get away from me!" he roared putting the heels of his hands in the center of her chest and shoving her off of him, nearly flipping head over heels Asuka's head landed with a thud on the floor. "You're just using me! Talking to some other guy and you're doing this with me! Just like Rei, everyone's the same!"

Shinji curled up covering his face, Asuka flared her nostrils as she stood up pulling her shirt back down staring daggers at Shinji as she stormed over with a balled-up fist she struck hitting him in the side of his head knocking his head into his desk where there was a sharp thud.

With his head bouncing off the ground he barely managed to keep his eyes open as Asuka used her heels to stomp at his ribs, stomach, and head. He barely tried to protect himself even as he felt his hair grow wet and sticky from the blood leaving his scalp.

"Stupid… worthless piece of shit… last time I ever try… fuck you… fuck you… FUCK YOU!" She screamed as she constantly kept beating him, "Fight back, fight back, fight back like a man you coward! No wonder why she left you! You only look at me when you want something! You'd never hold me or look at me, all you want is sex, you're the real shit heel here Shinji! I hate you! I hate you why don't you just die!?"

Shinji shut his eyes hoping to not let her see how her words hurt more than her kicks all he could do was shut his eyes and wait for it to all be over.

When she had finally had her fill, Asuka left stomping before slamming her door shut. Shinji heard other noises coming from her room but didn't bother to even guess what she was up to, when he finally heard the front door slam shut, he began to slowly curl up. Sitting up he felt the room spinning around him and in one second, he felt the sting of light like needles in his eyes. With is head throbbing and eyes rolling to the back of his head Shinji leaned over and vomited, shuddering he wiped his hand with his wrist.

Hacking the rest of the bile that was clumped in his throat up, he sniffled as he wiped his face clean and then grabbing his bags he left. He gave one last look at Asuka's door as he was walking down the hallway, "I'm sorry." He muttered as he trudged down the hall until he came to the living room, a small whoosh of air startled him. From the frosty mist of the spare fridge came Pen-pen peaking his head out first warily, no doubt he heard the argument even through those solid doors.

"Awk?"

Shinji gave the bird a solemn look before turning his back and walking towards the door, the bird's nails clacked as he gave chase after Shinji but just as he was about to reach out with a clawed flipper but all they caught was the door closing in his face. "Rawk." He squawked out sadly.

Shinji stood outside the door in the empty hallway of Misato's apartment complex, looking side to side he wondered why he never saw much less heard anyone else in the building. For he knew the other rooms could be empty and gutted, for a second, he thought about just finding an empty apartment and staying in there, but that plan was not realistic.

For now, all he could think about was putting as much distance between him and Tokyo 3 as he could. Pulling out his phone he debated on whether or not he should leave a message for Toji and Kensuke but quickly decided against it, after all they'd probably just try to convince him to stay or stall him and the longer he waited the more time he would waste.

Slipping the phone through the mail slot he left.

Asuka stomped around in her room from wall to wall huffing, running her hands through her hair calling herself stupid for letting Shinji do that stuff to her. She could feel her skin crawling like she was covered in bugs or grime, she just felt beyond dirty and disgusting like she had gone swimming in the sewer.

"God I can't believe I let him do that stuff to me! I can't believe what I said to him, so disgusting!" she groaned grasping her head in her hands, already Asuka felt nauseated and a headache coming on. She slammed her door open and not even bothering to look in Shinji's room stormed off to the bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet, she found a bottle of painkillers and put three of the white tablets in her mouth, grimacing at the chalky taste she grabbed a glass and filled it up.

After she drank some cool water already her head started to feel better but only slightly.

Sighing she heard her phone start to chirp, calling out for her attention. Asuka rubbed her temples wondering if it was really worth it to go and check her messages. Lamenting at the fact she no longer had anything to do or any distractions she headed off to see what Kazuo had sent her.

Kazuo: Hey if you want I can get a hookup for some stuff that'll really make the night fun

Puffing air out of her nose Asuka rolled her eyes and simply replied with "Fine, whatever" back to the other eager boy she had hounding after her. She thought for a second about seeing whether or not Hikari would like to go to dancing with her and Kazuo, and maybe Asuka secretly was hoping to go with someone else besides him.

She figured she would ask Hikari tomorrow at school, maybe if she did it in person it would be harder for her to deny Asuka's invitation. Deciding that would be her game plan she walked off to the kitchen hoping to find the menu to a delivery place or maybe some frozen food, she wasn't in the mood to see Shinji or have his cooking.

As she walked to the kitchen, she saw Pen-pen waddling over to her, hopping up and down hoping to grab her attention, giving the bird what he wanted with a scowl she muttered, "What is it?"

The little bird spun around as his feet clacked across the floor bringing her over to the door where at her feet, she saw Shinji's phone. Taking only a second to look at it she turned around and muttered, "Good riddance." Before heading off to the kitchen.

---

The alarm clock's ear-piercing noise woke Rei up, slowly she opened her eyes and looked around the room for a second, she felt heavy and then she saw why. Resting on her chest was Nathan his eyes shut letting out deep breaths still asleep, laying completely flat she stared at the ceiling and remembered what happened last night. After the two of them had bonded, they had heard a noise coming from the closet.

When they finally looked for the source of the noise there was nothing except for Shinji's NERV ID card, he had seen the two of them together. While under the belief that Shinji and she were together, but now he had seen and learned the truth. Rei still didn't know how to fully feel, on one hand her and Nathan could finally be together but on the other…

She had no idea how badly she might have hurt Shinji. But she couldn't focus on that now, she had to get ready for school. Maybe there she could see how he was doing and properly explain things.

"Can you please get off?"

Her tiny voiced request stirred the boy, shaking his head slightly he rolled until his chin rested in the center of Rei's chest. "Huh?" he murmured.

"We need to get ready for school before we're late. Please can you move?"

Sighing he put his hands on either side of her and pushed himself off until he was sitting upright resting his chin on his knees. Out of the corners of his eyes he saw Rei stand up and watched her pale bare body as she walked over to the shower across the hall, and on the floor in front of the bed they shared was the small plastic card of Shinji.

His eyes kept darting from the ID card to Rei standing under the stream as steam cloaked her body, he put on his glasses and stood up pulling on a fresh pair of boxers and black sleeping shorts. Looking in the mirror he heard the water squeak off and the wet footsteps of Rei walking behind him, occasionally sneaking a glance he saw her drying and dressing.

He shut his eyes and pulled on a gray shirt, shaking his head he walked down the stairs into the living room and looked out into the Geo-front, walking up to the windows that took up the entire walls he put his cold hand on the glass and immediately felt heat.

"If you don't get ready, we'll both be late."

The small voice in his ear made his heart skip a beat as he whipped around to come face to face with Rei, getting a look into her ruby red eyes he lost all trail of thought and felt his heart swell as if it were being squished by a pair of hands.

"Your mouth is open."

Snapping out of his trance he felt his face burn with embarrassment, looking down and away from her he shuffled over to the kitchen. "S-Sorry, you go on ahead, I'm not going today. Maybe… maybe you shouldn't go either."

"But we have too, why aren't you going as well?"

"I- I just don't feel like it Rei… and with Shinji going, I think it's too soon for me to see him. Besides, you know how small the school is. By the time we get there everybody's gonna know what we did."

Her face turned from its normal stoic resting look to one where her eyes seemed half shut slowly blinking trying to hide the fact that they were shimmering. "I understand but… I just thought-…"

She fell silent as her gaze turned to his hand, she reached out slowly and grasped it, bringing it to her face letting her cheek rest in his palm. Her eyes slowly shut as she used his wrist to move his hand, stroking her cheek feeling his cold hand against her buzzing warm flesh letting him take her warmth.

"I thought that finally… the two of us could be together out there. No more hiding, maybe if you told them the truth, they would leave us alone? Maybe they would understand."

He slowly slipped his hand from her grasp, he tried to looking her in the eye but couldn't. Nathan wanted to tell her that the other kids would leave them alone, maybe even the adults too, but he knew that once Shinji started to tell the others what he saw the two of them doing. Behind his back while he was allegedly with Rei, nobody would approve of them being together.

Even if they did let him and Rei be together, all anyone else would see would be two kids who betrayed a dear friend of theirs. "Nobody's ever gonna understand us Rei, why even care what anyone else thinks?"

Her face lowered away from his gaze, "Sorry… I just thought you would be happy as well. We can finally no longer hide our feelings for one another, we can finally be together forever like you said. We can finally be in the sun together."

For a second, he swore he saw tears brimming in her eyes, not being able to see her cry he hugged her tightly wrapping his arms almost fully around her thin waist feeling her soft warm body press against his cold one. He rested his mouth on her shoulder shutting his eyes and taking in her sweet scent, letting out a heavy sigh as he felt her arms wrap around his neck he whispered, "Sorry."

"I just don't want anyone to hurt you with what they might say. I don't want you getting hurt for what I did."

"It's fine I just want to know that you'll only love me, that only I have your heart."

Loosening his grip a little he leaned back and looked back into her eyes, how soft they were, how warm and inviting they seemed. "You know it's yours." He smiled.

Closing her eyes Rei leaned forward slowly tilting her head to the side she parted her lips slightly. Seeing what she was doing he met her halfway and kissed her, "Mmhmm…" both sighed as they started to run their hands down the other's back. Parting with a small wet kiss letting the tips of their tongues touch one another, Nathan felt his face and chest burn with more intensity when he saw a row of scarlet on Rei's face.

He wondered if maybe he should go to school with her today, after all whatever happened she would be at his side. But then his phone started to ring, letting out a disappointed sigh he let his arms fall from Rei and hopped towards the stairs leaving her standing by the windows alone.

"Damn, damn, damn!" he muttered under his breath as his mind raced to figure out why would his phone be ringing at a time like this. The worst thought that popped into his mind was that it would be Misato trying to get a hold of him. Telling him that he was no longer needed or that she was going to punish or talk to him, but as he neared his phone that was plugged into the wall his heart started to slow down. With a low and heavy thud, he swore he felt it in the bottoms of his feet with every step he took, reaching it he took a small breath of courage and then tapped the screen.

Dr. Akagi- Nathan report to me ASAP for synch testing, don't bother getting ready for school

He let out a sigh of relief once his eyes quickly scanned the tiny black letters, so far it seemed that Shinji's discovery hadn't caused him or Rei any trouble yet… but now she was going to have to go to school alone and who knew what was going to happen then.

Nathan started to debate with himself over what he should do, but then again orders are orders. Rei would have to understand right? "What was it?" Rei asked from the doorway, school bag in hand.

"Dr. Akagi… I've got a synch-test scheduled. I'm not gonna be able to go to school. Sorry."

Looking a little disappointed Rei turned away, "It's fine. But will you be here tonight?"

He gave a small shrug and nod, hoping that the testing would be finished before she had the chance to return home.

"Okay then… I hope to see you later. Farewell."

Not bothering to say anything he watched her quietly walk away and leave, soon after the door to their condo whooshed closed did he bother to move. Figuring he had better just brush his teeth, Nathan got ready being sure to splash some water on his face. He just hoped things would be easy for Rei.

Staring into the mirror watching the water drip off his face he leaned in closer, already he began to feel some strange… excitement? His hands and feet felt a strange buzzing warmth, and a stinging heat like electricity flowed from the back of his skull down his back to his heels.

Already he began to feel tired and the thought of climbing into one of the EVA's plugs, being submerged in LCL would make everything better, even if after all the tests were done things just became worse. At least in the plug things seemed to stand still, for even just a minute in there he could leave all his troubles outside.

But slowly something began to change, his chest felt tight and his cheeks began to burn. His legs began to tremble as the heat from his heart began to flow down south, he began to feel weightless and he felt the tickling tremble of expansion. With his eyes fluttering shut as he fell over all he could think of was the mind melting warmth that coated his body that made him feel weightless and warm as if he were being carried upward.

The same feeling, he had when he visited Unit 01 that one night.

Rei rocked side to side in her seat on the train that was zooming through the city taking her to school, in her hands she held a small book, but she couldn't focus on reading it. Giving up she slipped it back into her book bag, so instead she focused her attention to her surroundings.

Even though the train was crowded there was nearly at least a two-foot buffer between her and any other people, a perfect semicircle of empty space between her and another being. Her eyes drifted to the empty seat beside her, she couldn't help but imagine what the ride to school would be like if he was here with her today.

Rei shut her eyes and imagined what it would be like to have him sitting beside her, wondering if he would have been holding her hand or if he would have just wrapped his arm around her shoulders instead. All she saw in her vision was her and Nathan resting against one another, everyone else around them took on the color of smoke barely resembling human shapes. They all were standing so close beside one another, she could hardly tell one being from another.

The train lurched to a stop snapping Rei out of her head, seeing other students depart she quickly gathered her things before the train doors had a chance to close. But when she stood on the platform and saw the school laying far across from her, for a moment she debated on simply waiting for the next train and returning back to NERV.

For some reason after exiting the train into the summer heat of Tokyo 3 she didn't feel any warmth, in fact she felt cold. She felt her neck prickling, and her heart started to race as if she were out of breath and her heart started to tickle as if a single strand of hair was being dragged across it.

But then the first period warning bell rang, deciding on that these strange feelings were nothing more than her feeling lonely without Nathan she brushed them aside and began walking towards the school.

Rei entered the classroom quietly and took her spot by the window and resumed her usual duty of staring out of it, but something felt off. Looking over her shoulder Rei eyed the desk that sat near Toji and Kenesuke, "Ikari, Shinji? Ikari Shinji? Absent I guess."

The old sensei's words felt muffled to Rei's ears, "Shinji?" she whispered softly to herself. But then the next thing she noticed were the pairs of eyes on her, Toji and Kenesuke were eyeing her with an almost betrayed look. But the moment the boys noticed her making eye contact they broke away, but it was everyone else as well.

All the students that had once previously ignored her existence not even bothering to give her a glance her first day much less the empty desk she left whenever she had testing or had to rest in her tube a worried look. Were now staring at her, making her feel cold. Not in the way she would feel when she would first embrace Nathan. Now this cold feeling was just making her feel small.

Then one by one they all dismissively looked away, except Hikari who could only look at her mournfully as she whispered something to Asuka who eagerly ate up whatever she had said. But once Asuka turned around giving her a wicked grin she knew that the red-haired pilot had discovered her secret and learned of how early on her relationship with Nathan began.

That same shrinking feeling made her sink in on herself, using her shoulders to hide her face and torso. Looking around her, Rei saw empty desks separating her from everyone else. From where she was sitting it almost appeared in the shape of half of an AT-field.

Turning away Rei refocused her attention to the window, seeing nothing but a still standing city. Tuning everything out until the bell rang letting all the kids know it was time for lunch much to everyone's enthusiasm. Turning around Rei saw all the kids swivel their desks away from her with half of the class walking out the door no doubt heading to the cafeteria to buy something to eat.

"Did you hear what she did?"

"How could anyone do that to poor Shinji?"

"Told you she had a thing for gaijins!"

"It's always the quiet ones."

"Probably just can't stand no one noticing her, have you seen her?"

"She probably figured other ways to get guys to look at her other than that stupid blue hair."

"You know what I saw the two of them headed off somewhere once after school."

"I thought I saw him carrying her off to some old empty apartments."

"How much do you wanna bet she'll do the same thing to the next boy pilot?"

"At the festival I swore I saw them headed off somewhere secret probably to be alone together."

Each little sentence that was spoken barely loud enough for Rei to hear across the room in a hushed whisper stabbed at her like a knife, and she had no idea why.

But with everything that they said about her, and about her being with Nathan made her heart beat slow and grow heavy. Already she felt her face stinging, then she heard little tiny taps. Looking down she saw small droplets of water, touching her face she felt twin streams of teas slowly flowing from her eyes.

How can such little words hurt this much, why am I crying? Rei thought silently to herself. Why do they do this to others, does it make them happy? Do they know how much pain this is? Did I… did I do this to Shinji?

"CUT THE WATERWORKS!" A pair of hands slammed down in front of Rei snapping her from her thoughts and back to reality, her eyes growing wide she saw Asuka leaning down over her with her hands planted firmly down.

"What?"

"Are you seriously trying to make us feel sorry for you, you hussy?"

"I'm not- "

"Can it first! I can't believe I tried to give you a chance, here I was thinking you were just a holier than thou plank of wood but here you are just sleazing around!"

I feel sick thought Rei feeling her insides churn and shiver, already her head started to feel heavy and as if she were swimming through liquid lead. She smelt something strange and became nauseous, she felt a sickening bile-like feeling crawling up the back of her throat. "But me and Nathan- "

"Nobody cares how you wanna label your little side romance with that American piece of crap!"

Standing up Rei figured she'd better head off to the restroom maybe at least she could splash water on her face or get some fresh air, she pushed back standing up swaying slightly. "Where do you think you're headed!?"

Covering her mouth Rei answered back in a small voice slowly walking backwards, "I feel ill I was- "

"You know Shinji ran away because of you?"

All the eyes in the class were now on the two girl pilots.

"He- he what?"

"Yeah, last night. He came in crying about seeing you and Nathan screwing behind his back! Then me being the compassionate person I am tried to comfort him, but he wasn't having any of it. Said how he gave you nothing but love and wanted to be with you always and how you back stabbed him. And the things he said he saw you letting Nathan do to you. How you begged for it!"

"I- I never- "

"You know he's probably gonna kill himself! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Those last words hit Rei like a mountain of bricks, it felt as if her heart stopped. Her whole body shook as she covered her mouth, her eyes felt so dry, but her cheeks were streaming with tears.

Could… Shinji kill himself because of… me?

Rei's whole being felt as if she were running a fever, every bit of her body ached. She much would rather have had to reexperience the pain of being in the tube once it was expelled from unit 00 when it went berserk.

She started to stumble back, "What running away just like him good! Take Nathan along with you while you're at it."

Hikari had slowly gotten up from the uneasy crowded, even by now they had all felt Asuka was going a little too far, "Hey Asuka ease up… you don't know the full story- "

"This doesn't concern you Hikari stay back, where are you going?"

Asuka rushed up on Rei, who was covering her mouth with her eyes bulging in fear already her small chest and stomach pumped rapidly, and her breathing became erratic. Asuka gripped Rei's wrist so tight it appeared her pale skin was already starting to bruise she ripped it from the blue head's mouth and flung it where it smacked into a desk making a sound like a gunshot.

The crowd except for Asuka gasped, two thick streams of dark red blood were flowing from Rei's nose. "Someone get a nurse!"

"Call the teacher!"

"Hikari what do we do?!"

"Asuka leave her alone!"

"What's your problem you freak!?" Asuka yelled rushing up on Rei gripping her shoulder, Rei couldn't help it any longer already her stomach and brain felt as if they were loaded with razor blades. In a quick spastic movement, her head rolled back and then fourth and with an open mouth she sprayed a volley of blood all over Asuka's face.

By now students were between standing still, any color draining from their faces or running off tripping over everything in their path either to get help or not to be label as a guilty bystander. "Oh my god!" Asuka shrieked spitting out blood and wiping her face.

Shaking Rei began to cough up more blood, trembling in terror she stared at her hands, they were so stained it was impossible to tell what her natural skin tone was. "I- I- I'm sor- "

"You fucking cunt!" Asuka shrieked, then before any eye could perceive it Asuka shot her arm up to the right side of her head then in an instant it was on the other. And Rei was sent tumbling down to the earth, she flew two feet over to her side slamming her head onto the corner of a desk before landing on the ground in a heap.

"Asuka what did you do?!"

"Oh my god!"

Rei opened her left eye weakly, by now her right eye was no good its vision was all red and blurry. She saw Asuka standing over her rubbing her fist almost as if she were polishing it.

Rei's whole right side felt wet and sticky, the smell of LCL hung heavy in the air, slowly a red pool emerged into her vision from under her head.

I'm so cold.

Nathan…

Why is my chest so hot…?

My heart… it feels weak

Where are you…?

Shinji…?

Why aren't you here…?

Shinji…

Nathan…

You said you'd protect me…

Not now….

I was happy…

Shinji…

My pain is gone…

Nathan…

Shinji…

I feel so tired…

My connection it feels weak…

My heart it hurts…

It feels lonely again…

Nathan…

Shinji…

I'm sorry…

The last thing Rei heard were rapid footsteps and then nothing.

---

"Aren't you going to go and change?"

"Huh?"

Nathan shook his head that was fixated on the towering Evangelions, but he noticed that his seemed to solely be focused on Unit 01 and not Unit 06, why that was he couldn't guess.

"Go and change? For the synch test you have today?"

Giving a quick nod he turned to leave and head for the dressing rooms, just as he was going to leave the observation deck Dr. Akagi called out to him. "You seem to be a bit off today getting much sleep lately?"

She only glanced at him from the sides of her eyes behind her glasses, but there was something else to her gaze that Nathan couldn't quite put his finger on. All that he knew was that her cat-like stare made his scalp tingle, and that small grin made it seem as if she were enjoying some joke only, she knew the punchline to.

"Not getting any less." He answer warily taking a small step back glancing towards the exit, seeing the effect she had on him making him shrink and retreat Ritsuko returned her attention back to the glass where the Evangelions stood behind the most prominent one was Unit 01.

But it seemed that she was looking at one particular spot, one spot that looked like it still had some faded streaks then she returned her attention back to the boy. "Well be sure you are getting your rest, after all things… like that can affect your ability to pilot EVA. Besides, you are a growing boy you can't just waste your energy on other things."

Turning away from her Nathan couldn't help but wonder if she knew about his visit to Unit 01 and if Dr. Akagi knew about that, what else did she know about. Before she had the chance to ask him anything he quickly jogged off, watching the young pilot run off Akagi smirked to herself thinking it was almost too easy to mess with the kid.

Turning her attention to a black monitor Ritsuko powered it up and the orange pixels light up showing three synch graphs, one from another one of the boy's solo synch test. The other two were from the cross-synch testing, one belonging to him the other to Rei, Ayanami.

Furrowing her brow, she lazily let her finger trace the sharp rises and drops of the synch rates, letting a Cheshire grin grow on her face Ritsuko glanced up and saw the plug for Unit 00 being moved into position behind Unit 01. She wondered what this could all possibly accomplish, testing a pilot in a plug that wasn't his, and having that same plug being inserted into an EVA it didn't belong to.

But eyeing the graphs her scientific curiosity couldn't help but scratch at the back of her mind, besides how on earth did him and Rei both connect and bond with Unit 01 so easily? That was the biggest question she was hoping to answer, maybe this one was just easier. After all Shinji seemed to do pretty well with it his first-time piloting, well up until he completely got his ass handed to him, she thought sighing.

Looking out of the view deck she rolled her eyes wondering what could be taking this kid so long, figuring she might as well sooner if not later Ritsuko took out a cigarette and lit it. Thinking back to the surveillance tapes she had seen along with Gendo and Fuyutsuki, the things the boy and Rei had gotten up to in the dark wondered if any of that had something to do with their compatibility.

But then again, the cross-synch test was way before that, and to her knowledge they didn't spend much time together much less alone with one another. Taking a deep drag she felt her mouth and throat start to dry up and her lips burn, but once she exhaled any tension from her lower back and head was released in one smooth breath.

But once the image of Rei smiling and looking happy, being held, and cared for entered her mind, all that heaviness and bile taste came back and Ritsuko's face turned sour. How could he say and feel things for such an abomination? If only that boy knew what she truly was, he wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Pretty soon everything around Ritsuko faded away, the only think she heard and felt was her slowing heartbeat. She didn't even notice her eyes shutting, the only think that was keeping her grounded was the smell of the tobacco burning. Taking another drag she could hear the paper slowly burning away, huffing the smoke out of her nose.

Those loving deep glances, those looks of controlled and uncontrolled lust as if she was the only thing in the world, his world… the same looks he used to give her once Yui and mother died. "Damn it!"

Ritsuko's eyes snapped open to her shaking fingers, the small line of ash wrapping around her fingers and the small red circle that had burned down into the small space between the first knuckles of her right middle and forefinger.

Flinging her hand and snapping it launched the small stubby filter to the ground where she used the tip of her right shoe to smudge it out, sighing she glanced at the red and puffy skin. Shaking her head, she picked up the small box of cigarettes with using her left thumb pushed one out just enough for her to pick it up with her mouth.

Lighting it she decided to give her right hand a break today and instead swap over to her left hand, just after she took the first drag she looked down to the cigarette butt to see that it had kept on burning down to the small pink ring her lips had left.

"Uh- Hey! I'm ready, why isn't Unit 06 ready?"

Hearing the boy's voice over the intercom Ritsuko sighed and hit the comms button, composing herself she put on her authoritative voice. "Currently Unit 06 is undergoing some maintenance, but Unit 01 is the next best one we have that suits you."

She narrowed her eyes watching Nathan standing on the walkways shifting uncomfortably looking over his shoulder at the purple EVA, for a moment he looked away from it and stared at the ground lowering his head. He stood there shaking mildly, getting tired at his sudden indecisiveness Ritsuko spoke up again, "Is there any problem?"

"N-no! No, nothing's wrong."

"Then proceed with the test!"

He looked down at his feet for a moment as if in shame, then looked back up at the observation deck before shuffling around and beginning to walk slowly towards the resting Evangelion. Reaching the ladder, he climbed up into Rei's plug, once he nestled in and disappeared from sight the ladder shot up and the plug sealed.

With the plug still sticking out of Unit 01's back Ritsuko brought up the visual feed for the plug and Nathan's face popped up on the holographic screen, his image standing next to Unit 01.

Nathan seemed to be glancing aimlessly around the plug, not out of excitement, anxiousness, or preparedness. Instead he seemed to be disoriented or even tired, lightly touching his temple he shook his head. "Something wrong?" Ritsuko barked her eyes focused on the synch chart that was slowly wavering, for a second, she wondered if she should let the boy know that the plug, he was currently in wasn't his.

But if she really wanted to get some decent results out of him, it was probably best he didn't know. "No, it's just… I don't know in here it feels different."

Nathan closed his eyes and took a deep breath letting it out Ritsuko saw his expression change and he settled into the chair gripping the controls, then his eyes snapped open and it looked like his cheeks were blushing and he glanced side to side in embarrassment.

"So, what's wrong?" Ritsuko didn't even bother looking up at the boy's face, instead she focused all her attention on the boy's synch rate. For a moment it was slowly wavering then slowly it started to creep up, its speed going higher and higher then she heard him speak.

"Nothing… I just feel like I do when I'm with Rei."

With that Ritsuko saw his synch rate shoot up and max out at 70, it was a decent score, but the number kept rapidly changing, the orange digit would flash quickly 68, 70, 65, 69, 67, 70, 66, 70.

Something's throwing off his focus, normally he's a little higher than this. Ritsuko thought, "If that thought is something that's grounding you concentrate on that feeling, you're not doing as good as you normally would. Here I'll began the plug insertion."

Nodding Nathan tried to regain his focus, "Rei…" he sighed blissfully, it wasn't just the calmness and stillness of the plug that was bringing up the memories or the sensations of being with her but there was something else. It was almost the very plug itself, it was like it carried her intoxicating scent. Already his scalp and back were tingling with the feeling that she was embracing him and running her hands across those areas of his body.

All he could think about was burying his head into her chest and having her embrace him, already he began to feel weightless and then he felt his eyes flutter shut and all he saw was Rei leaning over him in her white plug suit. He was remembering the time she had saved him from the plug when he was bleeding out after his battle with the third angel Tunniel, how she laid his head on her lap and held him close.

How the only thing he could focus on were her bright red eyes, how calm and relaxed he felt in her arms only this time there wasn't any pain and no feelings of tiredness just pure melting bliss. "Rei…"

He felt the rumbling shifting of the plug slowly entering Unit 01's entry port. But just as the plug was barely inserted, clicking as it was being secured ready to be screwed in Nathan could only focus on one thing. "Shinji…"

"No… no… no… I'm sorry…"

Visions of the boy flashed in his mind, how he walked up to Nathan in Rei's arms. The time Shinji had visited him in the hospital, the sleepover they had and the talks they shared. Misato's party where Shinji played the cello for everyone, the time he helped Shinji on his date with Rei and the times and missed opportunities Shinji had asked Nathan to come over and hang out.

Before he knew it, Nathan felt his eyes start to sting, he saw Rei again but this time it began to feel different. He saw and felt Rei in his arms again but this time she was bandaged up and bloody he almost didn't recognize her. She quivered and whimpered in pain, his very hands felt cold knowing that she was hurting and there was nothing he could do.

But that wasn't the worst of it by far, he remembered no he saw images of Rei at her desk staring outside the window completely ignoring him. During free periods it seemed that all of Rei's attention was focused somewhere else, even when they were in close proximity, he couldn't will his body to reach out and touch her.

Even when they were standing side by side near the fish tank back at the water treatment facility and she told him how trapped and isolated the fish were, much like she was.

She told him (Nathan) other feelings she had felt, how lonely and small her heart had felt until both of them admitted their feelings for one another, "Why couldn't I be there for her sooner? I'm such a dick." He whimpered sitting up with his knees by his ears.

Then he saw her from below, her beautiful ruby eyes staring through him as he lay atop of her with a towel underneath her and his hand on her breast. "Could you please move?" she asked so passively. Getting off he still felt her warm soft touch in his hand looking at her dress from the corner of his eye, his heart racing yet she was still ignoring him. Like she didn't know who he was.

He saw her sitting across an empty space next to Unit 00 standing in front of the moon, then it finally clicked with him none of these were his feelings they were all Shinji's, was this because he was connecting with Unit 01? Did Shinji leave all these memories back here in the EVA? "We could die tonight, are you a little scared Rei?"

Nathan's eyes snapped open, hadn't he asked the two of them something similar during his own first Angel fight? "You won't die. I'll protect you."

Didn't she promise to protect him back then too? But then his heart began to ache as he felt the sensation of the stiff hospital sheets again and awoke to Rei watching down over him with food and a book waiting him, no waiting for Shinji to wake up.

Shinji's memories of her began to pour back in, every little touch like the one they had shared when he offered her miso soup and only their fingers touched the heat from both of their hands connecting yet feeling so cold but still comforting. He felt his heart skip and cheeks burn as well as his back tingle as he nervously glanced away and awaited her answer.

The small bento boxes he had woken up extra earlier just to make right for her, the small surprised look and soft words and looks of gratitude Rei offered in return for the food it seemed like she was never before offered by anyone else but him.

The times they ate together side by side in silence, and with every new bento box it looked like there were new feelings or looks in her eyes, then how she slowly would reach out for his hand asking how it felt to hold hands with another.

"No, no, no, no stop! Don't show me anymore! I know what I did! Don't remind me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Shinji!"

Nathan saw Rei and Shinji on one of their dates, walking through the park at night and how mesmerizing she looked in the moon's light, how badly he wanted to tell her how beautiful she was or how he felt but had no way to tell her or show her how he felt. All that he knew was Rei offered him a new feeling, something else that Toji and Kenesuke or even Asuka for that matter could never offer. And all he wanted to do was help Rei and make her happy.

Rei dressed in yukata, he had seen that with his own eyes but now he saw her as Shinji had. Nervous and unsure of herself being dressed in such a way, how he went up to her with his chest beating like a drum and his palm sweaty almost in disbelief that she had even agreed to start going out with him.

And then Nathan had to go and ruin that for Shinji.

Now Nathan was seeing all of his friends himself included at the festival, even in these memories he seemed totally miserable, dressed in an open untied yukata as his feet dragged behind the pack with Shinji and Rei leading the pack walking side by side.

He could feel Shinji's happiness, it was a warm glow that made him want to shut his eyes and cry at the very thought of the days back before when he had no one and was alone, how the one day he never saw coming. A day where he could spend time with friends walking through a festival during the hot nights, lights from stalls, fireworks and fireflies lighting up the world.

Hot delicious food in his belly, his legs hot and shaky from the sheer nerves and excitement from being around people who smiled at him just for looking at them. The warming buzz of holding Rei's hand flooded his body, and then inside the plug Nathan began to scream as he tightly gripped his hair.

It seemed like Unit 01 knew of his infidelity as well and in its master's place and honor had begun to attack and unload the pain that its pilot had onto the one who deserved to take and bare the pain like a lamb ready to be sent off into the desert to its death.

Rei sat on cobblestones before him dress in her yukata staring off to the side and in his point of view Nathan saw Shinji's hands extend outward with a stack of photos of all the pilots and friends were making, offering them to Rei who looked at them with eyes bold in surprise. "For me? Are you sure… that I deserve these?" She asked to which Shinji replied.

"Of course, you can have them Rei. I didn't see any other mementos in your apartment… I just thought you'd like them. So, you know that… other people not just me care about you. You said how EVA is your link to everyone right? Maybe these can be your link too?"

Then with a small parted mouth and eyes that gleamed in the light of the paper lanterns Rei extended her small pale hands and took them, glancing at the first picture which was a snapshot of Shinji holding Rei with her smiling. On her part it might have been a forced smile and laugh she had put on to put Shinji at ease for not being able to act like a regular human female, but to her in some other way a small piece of that false face she had put on looked happy to her.

Even if she had faked it the important thing was, she looked happy for Shinji, and in the captured moment for the brief moment the photo took he looked truly happy to Rei. Bringing the photos to her chest tightly, she looked up at Shinji and offered him a small genuine reserved smile. But her ears gleaming with tiny bits of tears in the corners seemed to almost shut as he looked up at him and saw only him in that moment, "Thank you… Shinji."

Nathan felt Shinji's heart race at seeing Rei's look of reverence and love one that he thought she could only give to his father, "Can you help me stand? I still can't walk in these shoes."

Nodding Shinji offered his hand and Rei took it, the same way they had done in the plug only this time she felt weightless in his touch but he felt his beating heart through his arm sending a rhythm and heat to her heart, he felt it pass through the rests her own throbbing finger tips offered him in return. Was that when I fell in love with her? The day I saved her from the plug? Shinji asked himself.

Nathan was squeezing his eyes shut crawling around the plug blindly looking for the release or ejection switch, anything to end the emotional torment he was experience at the hands of Unit 01. "Stop it! Do anything else! Anything but this!" He yelled feeling his throat tear and become dry as his words left his mouth.

Behind his shielded eyes he could barely see the plug was filling up with bright streams and pulses of light, even with his eyes shut he could still see the light that was flooding the tube as if they were burning straight pass his fingers and into his brain. "AAAARRRRGGGGH!"

His brain felt like it was on fire as Nathan was force fed all of Shinji's happy moments and memories of Rei, but then pain ripped through his chest as if felt like a massive wave of heat was hitting him square in the chest and ripping through his body making his insides melt. All he saw was a bright flood of light with a vague diamond-like shape shadow in his mind, just as his hands went to his heart to make sure that a hole wasn't burned through his body his left arm was ripped to the side and it began to bend and twist as if it had a mind of its own.

"Unngggh!" he whimpered out as it felt like his arm was being bent to such an angle that it was on the verge of being broken, but just before it snapped both of his arms shot the sides of his body and his eyes went wide as his hips shot forward. He let out a sharp gasp as he looked downward just underneath his stomach, his brain had the sensation of ants and wasps crawling under his scalp biting and stinging his brain.

Staring at his stomach he saw a bony blade sticking out with spinal notches in it that were sharper than obsidian. Gasping he remembered his fight with Tunniel, and he knew what was going to happen next, in one quick jagged motion the tail shot forward coming out of his body covered in dark red blood. Shuddering he blinked his eyes and the tail seemed to disappear every few blinks as if it was fazing in and out of existence.

But each time he blinked the tail blade also seemed to saw upwards to his chest faster and faster with vigor, as he re-experienced his insides being shredded, he screamed out in agony trying to call out to Dr. Akagi to please shut it all off.

He felt as if he had chunks of shredded meat creeping up the back of his throat wanting to be vomited out and all he could smell was the coppery taste of blood that hung at the back of his tongue.

"It's not real, it's not real, it's not real!" He kept shouting to himself as he jerked around in the plug's seat trying to wrestle a hold over his mind but still the tail kept flashing in his mind, cutting through bone and flesh. Finally, everything cut to black and Nathan slammed his head into the headrest collapsing exhausted and covered in sweat, gasping for air he felt something thick and warm touch his tongue and lower lip.

As the plug slowly moved out of the EVA, when the plug opened up Nathan touched his nose and saw the black fingers of his plug suit come away shiny, snorting he felt a thick glob of blood fall from his nose down the back of his throat, crawling out and climbing down he spat out the mouthful of blood that was pooling in his mouth, shuddering he saw down against the massive green wall behind Unit 01 and glanced up at Dr. Akagi. "I'm ending the test early, complications have come up. Enjoy your free day."

Not even bothering to look up at her he shivered and slowly stood up and using the guard rails to brace himself walked out of the cages and headed towards the showers.

Ritsuko quietly watched the pilot leave then heading to the computers downloaded all of the boy's synch data and plug feed onto a flash drive then got ready to delete the rest of the data on the main-computer, looking at her watch she saw the tiny red alarm icon still flashing. Looking back to the screen a message box asked Are you sure you want to delete?

Off to the side was another box that read, first pilot's data Rei, Ayanami. It was followed by a fresh synch score that wasn't possible, tapping the icon on her watch face her eyes went wide. Pulling her phone out she quickly punched in a few numbers before she barked orders at the first man to answer her call. "We have a situation, immediately you are to retrieve Rei Ayanami and bring her back to NERV HQ no matter the cost!"

Not bothering to hear the man's reply Ritsuko deleted the footage and data from today's synch test and began to run towards the deeper levels of NERV, while her shoes clicked on the floors echoing in the silent corridors she racked her brain trying to figure out why was the computer picking up data off Rei. As if she were in the plug with him?

---

Nathan sat under the shower in the NERV locker room letting the water drench him and slowly wash off the LCL, he kept taking in deep breaths through his nose letting the steam loosen up the drying blood at the back of his throat but still that salty coppery taste hung in his mouth.

Gargling and spitting, he still saw an orange tint to the water as it swirled down the drain. Shuddering as he ran his hand through his hair, he felt chills remembering what unit 01 had shown him or… at least what it made him feel. Seeing the happy and other intimate moments that Rei and Shinji had once shared, seeing how happy she made Shinji and feeling what he felt every time he looked at her.

He couldn't stop thinking about the night he woke up suddenly only to find Shinji's ID card in the closet, he tried not to but couldn't help but begin to feel what Shinji must have felt seeing him and Rei together. It crept up on him starting in his heart, feeling like it was rapidly palpitating. But at the same time, it felt as if a hard stone. As if an infection was growing over the weakening muscle and his heart was being calcified.

Already his legs and arms were starting to feel like ice and the muscles inside stretched and tight, using what little strength he felt like he had pulled his legs to chest and rolled on his side. The only heat he felt wasn't coming from the water which by now was creating a cloud of mist that had completely encompassed the room making the walls slick with moisture.

That heat rested in the pit of his stomach like a lead ball traveling down south to the one place he didn't want to bother thinking about.

"Stupid thing… you made me ruin everything. Why does this all have to hurt so much? Why should I feel like this, just because I want to be with Rei? Aren't I allowed to be happy?"

He tightened his legs brining his knees together hoping to crush that feeling that was slowly creeping from between his legs and spreading out over his body, suddenly the lights clacked off leaving him in the dark. Closing his eyes slowly he willed up the strength to crawl up on his knees and shut the water off. Spurting and wiping water off of his face he made his way back to the lockers and got changed.

The whole walk back he covered up his face maybe out of shame, but mostly it was because of the lights. Usually they seemed dim or they had a slight flickering glow to them as if they were only partially screwed in. But now each one might as well have been powered by a small nuclear reactor.

Each light was now just burning through his corneas like red hot needles making his skull tighten already he was feeling nauseous. He just hoped that Rei was already home by now, maybe if he had the chance to talk to her or just was able to have her hold him all these feeling would go away, maybe he'd be able to forget.

When he was finally able to make his way back to their penthouse within the NERV facility, all the lights were turned off and there no sign that Rei had come home yet. "Rei! Rei!" he called out but getting no response he sighed and slipped off his shoes making his way to the couch. Stretching out with his arm over his eyes he set his glasses on the table, "Maybe she's just running late…" he sighed to himself before yawning and settling in hoping that she'd be home soon.

He didn't know how long it he'd been asleep for but when he finally came to the sun within the Geofront had already begun to set and still there was no sign of Rei, getting up Nathan ventured back to his room. Walking in he hung in the doorway eyeing the piles of discarded clothing that littered the floor, in the dark he couldn't tell which piles of clothes were his and which were Rei's.

He saw their two futon mats pushed up to one another with piles of blankets and sheets all twisted up together. He slowly walked over squeezing his eyes shut he ripped the bedding apart flinging the mats aside, tearing the covers and blankets off he flung them to the door.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!" he yelled, with only one sheet in the middle of the floor laying over the mats he eyed the pillows in one swift motion he kicked them aside but catching his right foot on the sheet pulled his left foot out from beneath him sending him tumbling down to the floor where he landed with a thud on the back of his head. "Unh!"

Getting up with a groan he cupped the back of his head, unsure of who he was madder at Shinji or himself. Gathering up the bedding he put the sheets in the wash and sprayed Febreze on the mats letting them air out.

Sitting in the kitchen with his head on the table he got a pack of ice and pressed it on his head, sighing he looked up again hoping that when he did the doors would miraculously open to show Rei standing behind them and the only thing that would leave her lips would be, "Hi… I'm home."

But nothing, now he was getting worried. Pulling out his phone he texted her, "Where r u?"

In the darkening room he waited for her response and the only noise he heard was the washier upstairs buzzing telling it was time to add the fabric softener.

---

The moment Shinji's feet left the last step of Misato's apartment complex they didn't stop, he kept on walking through the streets of Tokyo 3. Walking through the night and most of the day not bothering to rest even for a moment.

By midday after the night he left already his heels felt like they were bruised every step was agony that made his knees wobble as his muscles and nerves bundled up together, with each step balls of nerve and muscle on the soles of his feet ached sending throbs of pain that rattled his shins.

Swaying from side to side he kept his eyes facing the ground shuffling pass people and kids who were living their average day to day lives, none of them bothering to give him even a single passing glance as his red puffy eyes ached inside his pulsating skull. He felt the insides of his shoes starting to grow wet but whether it was from blood or sweat he didn't care he just kept walking forward.

There were times were he closed his eyes just for a moment, just so he could stop the burning pain from the sun and when they opened again it seemed as if he was transported to an entirely different part of the city and eventually he recognized nothing. As if he had somehow fallen asleep and just kept on walking. Each new step made his bags even heavier and soon the woven straps had begun to dig into his skin the friction rubbing through the cloth ate at his skin until it was raw and bleeding.

Shinji let his bags roll off of his shoulders and opted to instead drag them behind him, but now with all the weight behind him and feeling it in his shoulders could barely fight the urge to just collapse to the ground. His head was still swimming from the beating and blood loss he suffered at the hands of Asuka, even though he felt the razor blade bites of hunger at the pit of his stomach he still felt far too nauseous to even look or think about food.

Finally, he was no longer able to keep standing up, and then exhausted beyond all belief Shinji collapsed on the scorching hot concrete. Even if it felt like his face was frying like an egg, it was more preferable than the thought of seeing Rei and Nathan ever again. Huffing Shinji felt his heart beating at a million miles an hour, looking back at his legs he tried to move them, but it felt like moving a ton of lead and he winced at the pain of needles sinking into his muscles.

Rolling over Shinji saw that he was underneath a streetlight, gasping to catch his breath he forced himself to sit up despite the throbbing pain that was rocking his body. But even if his eyes were begging to be shut and every muscle in his body was locking up forcing him to try and rest Shinji would have none of it, using the guardrail he was near to pull himself up Shinji stood up. Climbing up on it using the streetlight to brace and balance himself out, he looked out to the overpass to see flickering headlights of cars zoom beneath him, just as they shot out behind him, he could feel their vibrations in his knees.

He was swaying back and forth, the only thing that was keeping him from tumbling down onto the pavement below him was his head snapping back when he felt his eyes shut just for a moment and right before he could be lulled off to sleep, was granted with a burst of adrenaline that made his pulse rocket. Eyes wide and losing control of his breathing he would whip his head side to side wondering how or why he was standing up there right before he would suddenly remember why.

Shinji closed his eyes willingly one final time and imagined what it would be like. By now his whole body was slowly going numb so hopefully that would help with the pain, all he could envision was the freeing feeling of what it would be like. The wind suddenly rushing past his hair and ears right before he made contact with the concrete no doubt that would be the worst part and by the look of it the fall wouldn't kill him.

He had scrapped his knees as a child on concrete before but he wonder how it would feel, his sudden attempt at flight halted in an instant the air knocked out of his making him gasp as his organs were all bruised or ruptured, his ribs snapping or splintering up.

The feeling of his teeth being knocked loose, leaving his gums stinging and bloody as the tiny remains of his teeth either fell down his throat, were just coughed out or were stuck in clumps by the blood that would be pooling in his mouth. The stinging of fresh cuts and scraps, the warm and dizzying feeling of his blood suddenly pouring out of his body. His brain rattling in his skull stunned for a moment as it worked to figure out what had gone wrong.

The panic it would feel as it tried to move his body only to find out that none of the signals it sent were getting passed on as each part of his body became a dead lump of flesh unable to move. Or if his body was still managing to move somehow, he would have no sensation of it. The clicking of his bones rattling against each other as they struggled to move but found themselves out of place or broken leaving their owner moving like a broken wooden marionette on only half of its strings.

He wondered what would be the last thing he saw right before he died, would it be a small widening pool of his own blood with cars suddenly halting and their drivers running out to him in vain trying to help the boy they thought fell off.

Or would it be a car's head lights, its bright white light blinding him and burning to the back of his skull right before its tires rolled over him crushing him under its weight dragging him like a rag doll underneath the carriage before expelling him out behind it. Leaving him twisted broken and bloody.

Already his knees and legs were slowly stopping their wobbling and were locking up into place there would be no stopping him now, with his head swaying and sinking his eyes shut. Right as it felt like billions of fire ants were eating his legs Shinji felt the rush of wind past his ears, and his heavy heart felt as if it was starting its descent from orbit down to earth and he was ready to come crashing down. By now his heart and body ached far too much and he knew that he wouldn't feel a single thing when he made contact with the ground.