What's up and I hope all of you are safe out there. I ain't gonna lie I'm a little nervous about posting under a different section for the first time and as you saw from the summary this is going to be something... different than what you usually see. For those who have read my other works on this site you might not even believe it's from the same person, but I assure you it is. This story as the title and summary would suggest is a reimagining of Evangelion as a parody of raunchy teen sex comedies which I haven't seen done before. So with that being said let me forewarn you this story is rated M and will make a lot of vulgar sexual jokes or references, with plenty of profanity, think movies like American pie or superbad, so if you aren't a big fan of juvenile comedy or those types of movies this story probably won't be your cup of tea. But enough talk, without further ado enjoy
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or any of the characters, this is purely for fun
"I wish you would have stayed longer at the dance Shinji. When I saw you it kind of turned me on ;). We could have had so much fun together!"
Mana Kirishima the definition of hot, sexy, the it girl, the cool cat, and every fucking adjective under the sun to say Shinji wanted to fuck her brains out. But as the text above demonstrated she hated him.
As Shinji would describe himself he was a bonafide loser. In his 17 years of existence not once has he met anyone who wasn't just using him for nefarious reasons or making fun of him and he was sure this was just one of their latest pranks.
And you might be asking what dance? Well for Shinji Ikari that dance was made out of pure nightmares.
Forcibly by his teacher he had attended the, Welcome back to class and not fucking dying in this shit post second impact world literally that was the name. You see as a celebration for not dying the school made student happiness a priority, hell they even encouraged underage drinking and most importantly unprotected underage sex. Even 18 years after the second impact Earth was trying to repopulate in anyway it could and what better way than have a bunch of horny teens do it.
But even in the best case scenario for any teenage boy to get laid Shinji Ikari remained a virgin, hell he hadn't even kissed a girl.
But back to the point about the dance it was horrible all the people, the music, the social interaction and the unwarranted boner but apparently his crush had noticed him which was terrifying!
And worst of all she had his number!
It wasn't like Shinji gave her his number (one would need the ability to talk to girls in the first place to do so), but somehow she had inquired his number and texted him time to to time with ambiguous text like:
"I'm all alone in my house :( and so bored! Do you want directions! We can hang out! We can play house, I'll be the door and you can slam me! :)"
Or
"How about Netflix and chill at my home ;) My parents are outta town! And I'm like a faucet down here thinking about what we can do together alone!"
And worst of all the most ambiguous one yet
"Imma be honest Shinji. I want you inside of me. And by that I want your penis parked inside of me."
What the hell was any of that suppose to mean!
Shinji was a 17 year old boy you had to be more specific! Shinji figured she hated him and was making fun of him, but he was too afraid to ask her to stop, but today was different. Today was morning after the dance and after an intense night choking the hell out of his chicken he found himself staring dumbly at the text from the one and only Mana Kirishima
His crush.
He had to do something! It just nagged him that she kept texting him so without much thought he finally decided to text her back.
But that was two hours ago and he still hadn't texted anything.
He didn't know what to send.
Maybe he should send the usual hey or how you doing or maybe actually answer her dumb question it was too hard to choose! She'll probably hate him more if he messed up! God this was horrible!
And-
"About time u texted me back!"
"What the fuck!" Shinji exclaimed as he turned on his bed reading his most recent message. To his horror he could see from the text history he had accidentally sent K Literally his finger had accidentally grazed the damn letter and sent it to her! "FUCK! Fuck!Fuck! She so fucking hates me now!"
God how could he-
"Let's have some fun :)
Before him two new messages appeared, the first the above mentioned text and the second was of herself posing infornt of the mirror seductively. She was fully dressed but the outline of her figure... God Shinji already had a boner.
He was-
"I sent you a picture, now it's your turn! ;)!
"What the hell!" Shinji proclaimed again as his face burned red immediately and unlike before he was quick to send off a message.
"What do you mean?"
Dammit he accidentally put two question marks now she was gonna think he was stupid too!
"It's simple Shinji! I think your cute and I wanna have a picture of you ;)"
"Is she making fun of me?" Shinji uttered bewildered as he was now up from his bed pacing back and forth in his room. "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT-"
"Listen Shinji Ikari, I know you're probably overthinking this but that's what I like about you. You are kind and sweet and just an awesome person. I've liked you since we met and I wanna be more then just two people who occasionally greet each other in the hallway. I wanna be your forever girl and I want you to be my forever boy and I think no better time is then now!"
Shinji was at a lost for words... what the hell did forever girl mean! It was probably slang for I hate you!
"I forgot, Forever girl means I wanna be your girlfriend :)!"
"Girlfriend?"
Shinji immediately sent as he began trembling with anxiety while for some reason his boner kept growing. She couldn't be serious she had to be-
"Yes! I want to be your girlfriend Shinji Ikari!"
Chapter 1 Fast times at NERV headquarters
"Hey Kaji this shit you got man... it is amazing."
"The best for my bro."
"Shit only two hits and I feel... like I'm a fucking dragon."
"For reals... that's awesome... fuck I feel like...a Kangaroo."
"For reals?"
"Yeah man like I got like a pouch right here where my dick's supposed to be and I put my shit in it, it's fucking cool."
"Yo that's fucking awesome, bro... Damn I wanna be a Kangaroo now!"
"But you're a dragon and they got like tails and shit and blow people or blow fire... or was that an Alaskan snow dragon?"
"It's not the same bro as having a pouch on your dick."
"But you got wings man, like- like a dragon bro. A mother fucking dragon."
"I'm a mother fucking dragon? Fuck yeah, dragons are cool. I do... hey, hey Kaji?"
"Yeah."
"Did I ever tell you I cloned my dead wife?"
"Woah... That's awesome bro! Is she hot?"
"Fuck yeah! She has like blue hair and boobs! I like blue, so I gave the bitch blue hair even though that fucking old fart was like, nobody has blue hair! Look who's laughing now! She has blue fucking hair and she is hot! But she's like 17 or something I don't know."
"Blue... I ain't gonna lie green who have been better."
"Green what the fuck Kaji."
"Hear me out, melons are green right? So-"
"You're sick Kaji."
"No fuck you! Leave my melons alone! It's people like you that prevent this world from moving forward! Melons are not just a hobby, but a way of life once you go melon you don't go back!"
"If you love melons why not marry them!"
"I'm not a one melon man! I meant- You wanna fuck a 17 year old girl, that's fucking illegal!"
"Nah man you got it wrong, her cherry pie is like... cherry pie cooking in the oven, too soon it's raw, too late it's overcooked and has already had pieces eaten, you have to take that shit out at the right time when it's nice and hot and whole."
"Still creepy... but what if it was a melon pie?"
"Fuck you Kaji. Once she turns 18 I'm going balls deep in that pu-"
"Jesus Christ Commander Ikari what the fuck are you doing?"
Staring mortified at the scene unfolding before him was Sub commander Fuyutsuki who for the third time in as many days walked in on Gendo and Kaji rolling joints, listening to afro-man, eating munchies and playing call of duty on the NERV bridge at four in the morning.
"Enjoying life old man! Jeez leave us alone!" Gendo spat out dumbly as Kaji suppressed a laugh as he looked blankly at the sub commander with his bloodshot eyes.
"Gendo you are almost a 50 year old man! Will you please act like you run a multi billion dollar secret organization!" Fuyutsuki fired back as he turned on the lights making both Kaji and Gendo recoil falling to the floor
"I'm a dragon! Rargahhaha!" Gendo growled from the floor while Kaji snickered.
"What the hell did Yui see in you honestly!" Fuyutsuki exclaimed face palming and of course was met with.
"A giant dick!" Gendo exclaimed as he rolled over and reached for his pants. "I got a dragon dick wanna see."
"No!" Fuyusuki uttered mortified as he extended the phone in his hands towards Gendo. "Yui's brother called NERV headquarters saying he couldn't take care of your son anymore."
"Why the hell not!" Gendo proclaimed immediately sitting up almost as with the mention of his son was enough to dour the mood and sober him up.
"Well... your brother in law said he showed him his penis."
Jesus.
Mana.
Was.
Hot.
Shinji quickly learned the perks of sexting. This was amazing!
Every picture they sent consisted of less and less clothing and while Shinji's were little more then standing in front of the mirror giving timid lopsided smiles Mana was on a league of her own! She posed showing off her best assets and as the latest picture showed she was anything but small! Her stomach was toned accentuating her perfect chest while making her butt more toned than it deserved, but while Shinji paid close attention to those details her eyes... oh God Shinji almost blew it with her facial expressions alone. Now she was just to her bra and panties while Shinji was left with just his underwear.
And it was his turn.
He had to send her...
A dick pic.
Now this was the problem. Shinji was scared of what she might say what if she thought it was too small! He heard girls liked size and all the porn he watched why wouldn't that be the case! Looking down at his boxers he quickly peeked to see his manhood and grimaced.
"She's not gonna like it." Shinji muttered to himself as he continued to just stare at his junk.
"Hey slow poke what's taking so long ;)!"
She suddenly texted as Shinji looked at the message. It was in that moment Shinji realized what was he so afraid of? He had done something none of his friends had done... ok he didn't have friends but if he did he was pretty sure they would never have done this! He was doing something he thought was impossible for him and the girl he was sexting with was actually interested in him! It was amazing better then using his imagination and he was sure if he sent a picture of himself he was gonna get a fully nude picture of her as well!
...Shinji knew what he had to do.
Without thinking Shinji immediately shed his boxers taking a step further away from the mirror in his room. He was gonna do it! He was gonna send a dick pic to his girlfriend of about 10 minutes! This was the happiest he had ever been in his life all he needed was the angle and-
"Hey Shinji have you seen my PLIERS-OH MY GOD!"
And of course his uncle had to walk in his room at the exact moment be snapped the picture.
"That fucking shrimp couldn't handle my son was bigger than him."
"Well he didn't say that but yeah." Fuyutsuki answered back as the two commanders made their way through NERV headquarters. "Your son should be arriving in Tokyo-3 in two days sir. What are you gonna do about it?"
"Well those old farts over at SEELE wanted a pilot for Eva unit 01 and apparently they wouldn't let me be the pilot." Gendo answered back as they finally reached his office. "Only people born after second impact they said and all that bullshit! I'm still young but no those old farts are stupid! Stupid stupid! They rather have Yui's son be inside of her than me, her husband."
"Please don't say it like that. But about that shouldn't the Angel's have attacked three years ago? I thought in the Dead Sea scrolls it was suppose to happen fifteen years after second impact?" Fuyutsuki inquired as he looked at Gendo who took a seat on his chair in his desk while doing his signature pose.
"I...forgot."
"What do you mean you forgot?" Fuyutsuki questioned the contempt in his voice evident.
"Listen Fuyutsuki I know your old ass is still a virgin, but I was banging bitches left and right ok. You forget to do shit when that happens ok."
"I have children." Fuyutsuki quietly uttered but it was lost on Gendo who leaned back in his chair and pulled up his phone. "W-what are doing?"
"Calling Rei." Gendo quickly replied but before Fuyutsuki could give his opinion Gendo began talking. "Hey sweet-cakes how's it going? Good. Ok hey I- oh you can't talk you're busy? Alright what about we catch a flick later... what?-fifty dollars!? What for? Uh-huh-ok yeah ok I'll just head over there and- what? That's not necessary! Uhh ok I guess I'll just write you a check then and you can pick it- no ok- then- no that's fine I'll just wire the money to your bank account. Laters and reme- fucking shit she hung up."
Fuyutsuki could only stare in disgust. It was apparent why Rei was made to everyone who worked on her and while Fuyutsuki was on board at first he became disturbed when one day Gendo made it clear he wanted to see her grow.
"What sir?" Fuyutsuki had asked when Gendo stopped by the cloning site.
"Yeah from a baby up, make her as real as you can."
You see Fuyutsuki was hoping they would just clone Yui, an adult Yui. With that Gendo can have one and Fuyutsuki could have one or as many as he wanted, but no Gendo had to ruin it.
"Fuyutsuki you're old I need your advice." Gendo suddenly asked catching the sub commander off guard.
"Yes sir?"
"I get the feeling Rei is ignoring me. Like if she hates me or something."
I wonder why sir? Maybe it's because you've been perving on her since she started puberty and overall being a fucking creep! No I don't know why she would fucking hate you, you piece of shit!
"Well sir, from my experiences my daughter at her age acted in a similar manner. Asking for money and ignoring me it's typical for teenage girls to display this kind of behavior." Fuyutsuki said hoping to garner a good reaction from Gendo but of course this man was an asshole.
"Yeah but you suck." Gendo replied back as he did his signature pose. "I don't get it women usually throw themselves at me."
"Well sir... you are getting older-"
"Shut up! I'm still young!"
"Sir smoking pot with Kaji is not being young. It's stupid." Fuyutsuki replied matter o factly.
"He's my bro!" Gendo replied as he again reached for his phone. "Hey Ritsuko come to my office... and yes bring the blue wing!"
"Sir what are-"
"Leave old man I'm gonna bang the brains out of the daughter of the whore I was banging before she shot herself."
"What about your son?" Fuyutsuki asked because he was a decent being but the person taking in the question wasn't.
"The fuck should I know get Misato to take care of it."
"Ok my job is to take care of the commander's son... ok I got that? But sexually or like babysit him? Gosh darnit! What the hell am I suppose to do! Oh I know! If he's hot I bang him, double points if he reminds me of my father and if he's ugly I babysit him! Problem solved! But what if he's ugly and like my father?...I know let me send him a beach picture of me and one with as much cleavage as possible! Oh I should also draw an arrow pointing at my breast just in case he doesn't see them! That's totally what I should send to a minor!"
A/N
Are you not entertained? Yeah hopefully this story at least made you chuckle at how ridiculous it is. I will be the first to admit this story is stupid, in a good way of course. If any of you have seen my other works you know this is a big departure from my previous stories where I focus a lot on characterization and trying to make everything feel like canon, this is not one of those stories. This project is more for fun above anything else, a side project I can work on whenever or need a break from my main project. I do plan to eventually finish this story one day, I already drafted the second chapter, but right now my focus is on something else so most likely whenever I finish the chapter I'm working on in my other story I'll probably finish up the second chapter.
As for this story if you couldn't tell the characters will be exaggerations of themselves while some more or less will be based off of their personalities from a variety of spin offs, as well as archetypes you always see in teen sex comedies. Like Gendo he has shades of being a middle age douche while partly being inspired by that one Eva spinoff manga where they play video games to fight angels. I have some wild plans for this story and hopefully you guys want to see where this crazy train leads to. I don't know what else to say so I hope you enjoyed this or at least laughed at the insanity and hopefully see you next time, adios.