And you don't seem to understand, a shame you seemed an honest man
Ymir couldn't really describe the feeling that reigned in her chest. It was a battle of mixed emotions, swirling like a restless tornado. Something wanted to rip itself from her heart and claw up her throat before slipping from her lips in a desperate attempt to express something, anything. But Ymir stayed silent.
"They could have come sooner," Ymir said, her tone lacking any depth to it. Ilse stood above her as Ymir sat on her knees. Marcel's body had been pried from her, Porco had already been put in handcuffs and taken away. Historia was keeping the officers occupied, giving them the context they needed.
When Ymir met Ilse's eyes, she saw pity. The familiarity of that look brought a flicker of anger to ignite in Ymir's body. She locked it away and closed her eyes.
And all the fears you hold so dear, will turn to whisper in your ear
Marcel's funeral just happened to land on the same day as Val's wedding.
Ymir chose his funeral.
Even if she missed the chance to meet Amara or spend more time with Freyja, Ymir thought she owed Marcel that much. Even if her conflicted feelings were choking her up while a knot of grief took residence in her stomach.
And you know what they say might hurt you, and you know that it means so much, and youdon't even feel a thing
Ymir had paid for the funeral. Scraped up money that she hadn't spent and sent out the invites to the very few people who would care.
When their foster parents showed up, Ymir felt her emotions overwhelm her. She approached them, before the funeral had officially started, but she couldn't find words to say anything to them. Her foster parents had raised and cared for her but there was still a distance wedged between them that kept her from actually formulating a proper sentence. They nodded their understanding though, brushing past her with respect and a lack of bitterness that Ymir wished she had.
I am falling
Ymir swallowed, an attempt to get rid of the lump in her throat but not working. She approached Marcel's casket. She was the last person in line. She could feel the way the eyes of the others who attended were bearing into her. Placing a narrative on Ymir that she wasn't sure she could deny or confirm. The pull in her stomach wouldn't stop, just tugging persistently.
I am fading
She stared down at his figure. He was still and his forever expression lacked what made him who he was. His lips were curved into a permanent frown. His eyes closed. His eyebrows straight and relaxed.
There was a stir inside Ymir, an urge as she mentally willed, for just a small moment, that his eyelids would flutter open.
So she wouldn't have to feel the hot shame of her resentment and bitterness and confusion and-
I have lost it all
Ymir turned, gritting her teeth.
It was the last time she ever saw him.
She walked gravely alongside everyone else as the graveside service started. A priest recited prayers that Ymir knew held no weight when it came to Marcel. And even if it didn't matter to him, Ymir clung onto the priest's words, trying to find closure and relief.
And you don't seem the lying kind, a shame that I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there, candle lit smile that we both share
She wondered if this had been her funeral, would Marcel do what he did best. If Ymir had received the bullet that was meant for her.
Her hand went up to an imaginary wound. The area that had been shot. Where the bullet hole was supposed to be. The one that killed Marcel.
He'd be grinning, wouldn't he? Marcel would be going around the funeral, offering reassurance and words that he wanted to believe.
Ymir was glad he couldn't smile anymore.
And you know I don't mean to hurt you, but you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
When his casket was buried, Ymir looked around at the small group of people who attended and felt unsure. And before Ymir could even make a decision on what to do next, Pieck approached her. "How are you holding up, Ymir?"
I am falling
"I'm as fine as it gets," Ymir offered.
Pieck didn't have a lazy smile strung onto her face because unlike Marcel, Pieck knew how to stop.
I am fading
Pieck took Ymir by the arm, guiding her to the small group of people Ymir had yet to even talk to. The people she had purposefully ignored. The people she couldn't look in the eyes until now.
"Ymir," Reiner was the first to greet her, his tone soft and his features mature.
Ymir looked at him, parting her lips before licking them and unable to say anything. She fiddled with her suit's tie and slowly allowed herself to make eye contact with the other three who stood with Reiner.
Annie, Bertholdt...and Eren.
Ymir had invited his brother, Zeke, but to no surprise he hadn't showed up. Ymir couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if the two siblings had seen each other.
There was something uncharacteristically cold in Eren's green eyes. Something that Ymir couldn't disagree with or question.
Ymir stood there and they let her, the silence settling between them until Ymir could break it. When Ymir finally mustered the strength, when she was sure her emotions weren't going to choke her, she tried, "H...Hey guys. It's been awhile."
"That's an understatement," Annie quickly scoffed, earning a nudge from Bertholdt.
Bertholdt's lips twitched slightly, his gentle features seeming to be the most comforting thing Ymir had seen all day. "Pieck told us as much as she could."
Ymir shared a glance with the mentioned woman, only receiving a cool look in reply. Ymir could see the grief though. It was swollen in her eyes similar to the tears that wouldn't spill from Ymir.
"Porco...he…" The flare of spite that boiled inside caused Ymir to lose her words. The emotions continued to tear at her throat and Ymir tried to keep her body from shaking.
"He deserves a kick in the face," Annie grunted and when Ymir looked briefly at her, she knew that Annie was just trying to ease the tension that was emitting from the brunette.
Eren huffed and he shook his head, "He deserves more than that."
Ymir closed her eyes, feeling the way the storm of emotions consumed her and tightened her muscles. It was overwhelming and as her stomach continued to churn, she was sure she would throw up.
"How about we all get drinks?" Reiner suggested, for a moment he looked like he was going to clasp Ymir's shoulder with his hand but refrained from doing so. "I'd like to catch up."
His words were enough to pull Ymir to the surface and the brunette smiled wryly. "Yeah, that sounds good. Let's just not go to Yelena's bar, alright?"
"Aw, what's wrong with Yelena?" Pieck asked, her voice smooth and when Ymir didn't give a reason, Pieck didn't press. Pieck was smart enough to know that Ymir meant it. Ymir knew she wouldn't be able to handle Yelena at the moment.
Eren nodded his agreement, his cold green eyes darting to Ymir before he turned the other way. It only took a few seconds for Ymir to realize Eren's fists were shaking. Whether from anger or grief, she couldn't tell. Probably both.
Ymir turned off her car radio, sitting in her car and letting the engine run as she tried to process everything. The space she had received as the group of them temporarily went their separate ways had offered more room to breathe.
The tightness in her throat was ebbing away as she ran her knuckles along her temples before gathering herself. Silence offered some sort of solace as she sighed tensely.
All her emotions were wracking her body in all the wrong ways but she fought back against the feelings, knowing that a part of her wasn't prepared for the toll it had to offer. She clung onto the hatred and frustration that throbbed meaningfully in her head.
It was hard, in all honesty.
To cling onto excuses to keep everything from hitting her like a steadfast train.
"We're going pretty steady, Gabi's enjoying her new school, the promotion has given some debatable work hours but we're good," Reiner told the group, shifting in his seat and sitting a little straighter. Ymir knew the blond was just trying to keep everyone occupied with reasonable chatter but Ymir couldn't find it in her to genuinely listen. Everything he said went through her mind but it didn't register.
Instead, she stared dully at an appetizer. Ymir didn't even have an appetite but if she could find an excuse to look at something other than the people around her, then she would nibble idly.
Bertholdt smiled, humming his agreement as he sat by Reiner, a hand placed on his. Ymir felt a twinge of yearning as she saw their affection and she realized, almost guiltily, that she'd rather be with Historia than here. At least Historia wouldn't try to distract Ymir with stupid words, her presence alone would be a remedy to everything.
"Hey, Annie, you're engaged, who's the dude anyways?" Reiner asked, the corner of his lip twitching into an amused smirk as Annie's neutral facial expression shifted to something akin to embarrassment.
"You know I'm getting married but not to who?" Annie questioned, her eyebrows knitted in a mixture of disbelief and disgust.
"You're getting married?!" Eren coughed. A flicker of his familiar energy had returned to his green orbs as they all talked.
Ymir could at least thank this gathering for that. She couldn't handle seeing others bear the same emotions she was feeling. Ymir hated seeing herself in people who were normally quite the opposite.
"That's cute," Pieck purred.
Annie blinked a couple of times, her expression looking almost confused. "This has to be a joke. Eren, you're joking."
"What…?" The brunette said, clearly perplexed.
"Wow," Annie snorted, achieving her answer and taking a drink from her own glass. She closed her eyes, expressing annoyance but also embarrassment. She announced, "Armin and I are getting married."
"What?!" Eren yelped.
"Wooo!" Pieck cheered and Bertholdt clapped with her.
Reiner laughed, his sound deep and comforting. "That's amazing!"
Ymir couldn't help but chuckle lightly too as she eyed Annie's flushed face.
"Armin never told me," Eren gasped, running a hand through his long brown hair. "That's great!"
"Wait, Eren, you didn't know Armin was dating Annie?" Reiner asked, his eyebrows furrowed.
"You two are best friends, how could that happen?" Pieck chimed in, equally as interested for an answer.
As Eren provided an answer, the reason was already expected from Ymir, he said that the two of them had been occupied with life, too busy to properly catch up. "Like us, for example, we haven't talked in years!"
And while Ymir could see the logic in his exclamation, she pressed her lips tightly against each other and turned the other way. It was more like Marcel had wedged them all apart, too afraid of what would happen if they continued hanging around him. No one wanted to admit it but it was hard to say "No" to Marcel, as much as his smiles were fake and his words almost devoid of meaning. Ymir gripped her drink, fingerprints being left on the glass as she tried to chase away the thoughts.
A buzz in her pocket was a savior, distracting her and pulling her into the safety of the present as her mind immediately focused on her phone. She turned it on and clicked the notification. It was a message from Val.
Val
Here's the flower girl! :)
The image attached had Ymir's mood lifted for a few sobering moments. It was Freyja, in a floral dress, grinning. Her features were soft and joyful. The image was met with two extra ones. One with Freyja holding onto Val, who wore a tuxedo, and another where Freyja was between Val and who Ymir could only assume was Amara.
Amara was quite stunning, Ymir had to admit. Red auburn hair and tan skin complemented nicely with the green wedding dress she wore, purposely hugging her curves in all the right ways.
Ymir puffed and mentally applauded Val for his taste in women.
"What are you smiling at?" Bertholdt's soft voice startled Ymir but she refrained from hitting him.
Bertholdt was probably one of the very few people in this world that she wouldn't smack for scaring her like that.
Ymir's gold orbs flitted to the rest of the group, who were continuously chatting. Pieck smiled away as Reiner and Eren seemed to be almost arguing about something that Ymir didn't care about. Annie just watched characteristically in silence, nursing her drink boredly.
Ymir tilted her phone for Bertholdt to see the images Val had sent and the tall man gave a small gasp. His lips curved and he looked with question at Ymir. Ymir just nodded in confirmation and Bertholdt patted Ymir's shoulder.
"I didn't know," He said, a little regrettably.
"It's alright, I don't blame you," Ymir comforted and she wondered for just a moment, if she should mention her situation with her daughter. Ymir went against it and turned off her phone, placing it securely in her pocket.
Some things were better left unsaid.
...
Historia was tired of the moments. The moments she had to take for her mind to clear and for her body to gain composure. She was tired of the fact that she had to keep trying. Keep trying when it should come so effortlessly. She didn't think Porco still had power over her. Not at all.
But when he came into their home, the home that Historia had always felt safe in, and he walked in with a conflicted brother whose smile didn't reach his eyes, it was like all the progress Historia had made just shattered. Her protected barrier coming apart and leaving her a trembling mess. She reverted back to the mind of someone who feared everything. Where a dark cloud never seemed to leave her. Blurring her vision, consuming her brain, squeezing her heart.
When Porco pulled out that gun, she was taken back to the day he pointed one at her head. Historia would rather envision herself with a bullet through her skin than Ymir. She couldn't imagine a life without Ymir, especially when she knew it would be her own fault. Her own fault for letting Porco get this way. Her own fault for giving herself to him when she should have left when the first red flags poked their crimson warnings in their relationship. She was prepared to take that bullet for Ymir. So, then at least, Ymir had a chance with her daughter.
The sirens, the gun shots, the thump of a body hitting the ground was loud, pounding against her. The police bursted through the door shouting, flooding in with a wave of late justice. The pulsing blood in her ears drowned them out.
It all happened so suddenly.
And Ymir wasn't lying on the ground, dead.
Nor was Historia.
It was a man she never knew who sacrificed himself.
For Ymir.
She watched Ymir curl into herself as she held his body in her arms. He stopped smiling and Ymir whispered something that he could never hear.
Historia gathered herself, collecting her own anxiety and fears, and handled the situation. Ilse was there too. They told the police all they knew. Offering Ymir her moment of isolation with a heart that was no longer beating.
They had been taken to the police station and when Marcel's body was pried from Ymir's arms, something drifted from Ymir.
Historia and Ilse sat together as Ymir was put in a room to be talked to. So the authorities could have more clear answers.
"I didn't know you were there," Historia said quietly, trying to wrap her head around everything. Her body throbbed with every emotion possible. She closed her eyes, digging her nails into her palms as the image of Porco in handcuffs flashed through her mind.
It was over.
"Ymir told me to be there," Ilse responded, just as softly.
"She knew this was going to happen?"
"No, just a feeling," Ilse fiddled with her thumbs and her expression didn't betray any emotions she felt. "It was her solution. To make everything better for you two. She wanted to end this."
"Do you even know what this was?" Historia asked, swallowing thickly.
Ilse's breath caught in her throat and her voice broke for just a second. "I think I have a clear idea….I"m sorry."
"It wasn't your business," Historia said, not coldly. She could still feel all the emotions pulling at her heart strings and filling the hollowness in her bones.
"Does this fix anything, Historia?" Ilse questioned, her eyes not meeting the blond's as she asked something that dived past the surface.
"Some things we won't have to worry about now," Historia replied, honestly. Every emotion swarming in her was a clear enough answer for that. "I think after some time, everything will be fine."
Fine.
Everything would be fine.
That was a reality that Historia could face now.
Historia didn't know it until Ilse wrapped an arm around her shoulders but she had started crying. Historia swiped at her tears as Ilse squeezed her, fighting back the sob caught in her throat. She couldn't crumble here. She had been keeping it steady until now. She had to keep it together for a little longer. She was tired of falling apart, tired of not being okay-
"Hey," Her voice drew Historia to a present that Historia had lost for just a few dark moments.
Any doubts that she had, gone.
She felt alleviated.
"Hey," Historia echoed back, looking into the golden orbs of Ymir. She offered a small smile, her memories fading.
It had been only two days since Marcel died. Ymir had started arranging the funeral. Historia could see some of the distance in Ymir's orbs but it wasn't to keep herself away from Historia. It was to keep Ymir away from the emotions she felt towards Marcel.
"I love you."
"I love you too," Historia admired the way Ymir's strong features softened as she melted while looking at Historia. Historia could feel her own affection, bubbling beneath her skin and making her feel afloat. The world closed in on them to offer security.
Historia entangled her fingers into Ymir's hair, kissing her deeply and loving the sound of her breath hitching with elation. Her lips moved eagerly, tenderly, desperate to taste Ymir.
"Historia," Ymir breathed out, her slender fingers dragging across Historia's sides and gripping onto the blond's hips. She pressed closer, letting a low groan erupt from her throat.
Fuck, Historia thought, momentarily a slight anxiety crawling up her body as she remembered about those two days ago. It wasn't intentional, the thought just sprung, darkly and hurtful. Historia slowed down, trying to keep the memory way and pulled back.
Immediately, Ymir noticed the way something flickered in her ocean blues. Ymir drew her hands up, holding her face the same way she's always done to offer comfort. "What's wrong?"
It's one question and Historia couldn't help but grow frustrated. Her voice wavered in dismay. "H-...He...Porco was going to-.."
She couldn't find herself to say it but the shame washed over her and she felt some of her elation whittle away as she remembered that day. He made her feel the way she always felt when he touched her like that.
Ymir's eyes widened, realization struck her features like a lightning bolt. She leaned back, Historia immediately feeling the distance as Ymir gazed upon her guiltily. "Shit, Historia, I'm sorry-"
"No," Historia said firmly, reaching forward to pull Ymir close. Distance was the last thing she needed. "Don't be sorry, please."
Ymir gripped onto Historia, holding her tightly. Historia could tell there were words at the tip of Ymir's tongue, wanting to spill put in an expression of resentment and guilt but she never said them.
"It didn't happen," Historia's fingers traveled across Ymir's collarbone. She bit her lip, closing her eyes and taking a breath. He had been close but he failed. "You stopped him before it could happen...thank you."
"Don't thank me," Ymir gritted her teeth, exhaling as Historia felt her shoulders tense. Ymir tilted her head downward, staring into Historia's ocean blues. Ymir leaned in and kissed Historia delicately. "You're no one's."
No one's.
"What about you?" Historia asked, soft. One of her hands went to rest on the nape of Ymir's neck. She stared in her golden orbs, swollen with the sort of love that made one's heart ache. Historia hoped she looked the way Ymir looked at her.
"I'm yours," She rasped simply. "I'll always be yours. I'll give up everything for you."
Historia's heart broke, overwhelmed with happiness and sadness. Historia leaned her forehead against Ymir's. "I'd never let you do that."
Ymir trembled, catching Historia's lips again. Historia returned the passion, her head swimming in a sea of fireworks. Her pulse drummed with every explosion that went off inside her.
She felt liberated.
Free.
It was terrifying and empowering.
Her legs parted, allowing Ymir to slip a hand in between. Historia gripped her tightly, kissing her with as much enthusiasm managed. The tide of warmth that rushed over, almost made her limp but she clung onto Ymir.
Ymir's thumb gently massaged her clit, Historia's muscles twitching with excitement. She craned her neck, letting Ymir kiss her delicate pale skin. Her partner's lips were like flames, burning Historia with pleasure as goosebumps formed along her body.
"Ymir," Historia called out, in a hushed whimper.
The brunette's fingers circled around her clit, tender and warm, gliding easily from the blond's arousal. Ymir's reverence made Historia's whole body buzz, her desire growing with desperation.
Historia's blue eyes were hazy, dark and longing. She thrusted her hips, trying to increase the friction. She let out a small gasp as she was allowed to grind against Ymir's fingers. "Fuck…"
Historia moaned, relishing the feel of Ymir filling her. Her fingers entangled themselves with her dark locks. Historia tugged Ymir, bringing her eyes to gaze into hers.
Ymir's golden orbs were shaded. Desire, want and affection blended in with raw lust.
Historia felt her throat grow dry. She lifted her hips, meeting every thrust. Her head was far more than dizzy now as she found herself breathless and reaching her peak.
Ymir whispered her name, low, affectionate and encouraging. Her fingers quickened their pace, hitting all the right places. Her thumb swirled over her clit and Historia found her thighs wrapping around Ymir's waist.
Historia cried out, spilling over and pulling on Ymir's hair as she continued thrusting, unrelenting. It wasn't until Historia was squirming from overstimulation that Ymir stopped.
Historia slumped against Ymir. Her body trembled from the gratification and her chest rose rhythmically as she tried to catch her breath.
"Are you okay?" Ymir asked after a minute of letting Historia recover. Her partner's golden orbs were softer now and expressed concern.
Historia cupped the side of Ymir's face with a loving touch and pressed her lips against hers sweetly. "Yeah."
The two settled into bed, drawing the sheets over them and wrapping themselves into each other. Historia's back was pressed against Ymir's chest as they laid on their sides. Historia's hand held onto Ymir's arm, the one wrapped around her waist as she felt exhaustion consume her body.
It wasn't until Historia was slipping into sleep did she feel Ymir curl into Historia, her face digging into Historia's shoulder blade as Ymir tried to chase away the weight of Marcel's death.
…
"Wow, you actually live pretty close by," Reiner commented, his tone gentle. He stared evenly at Ymir as Bertholdt stood beside him.
Ymir rubbed the back of her neck, a lukewarm lamp post illuminating their features. Ymir couldn't even put into words how sick she felt.
Everyone else had left already and it was just the three of them. Ymir had put in as much effort as she could to hold a conversation with the two men.
She told them about where she planned on moving. Far from this town to start a new life. How coincidental that she ended up in the area where Reiner and Bertholdt took residence. It wasn't like she hated the idea of living near them, Ymir just expected moving into a place where no one knew their names. She muttered, "I didn't know."
"The schools are great where we live," Bertholdt added in an attempt of reassurance that Ymir wasn't sure she needed or not. "Gabi's pretty hyperactive but they know how to keep her in check while also giving her a proper outlet to spend her energy."
"Oh, that's good," Ymir hooked her thumbs into her belt loops and tilted her head momentarily to look at the night sky. Her chest still burned with all the emotions that brewed feverly in her chest. "Then I guess I'll be seeing you guys more often?"
"Sure," Reiner offered a soft smile. Once again, his hand moved a few inches as if he was going to reach out and clasp her shoulder, instead it remained by his side. He followed her gaze, glancing at the night sky with a thoughtful and mature look before making eye contact with her. "We should spend more time together."
"Hm?"
"I mean, I don't want the next funeral to be the reason why we all unite again," Reiner admitted, his orbs flickering with grief before being replaced with composure. Ymir couldn't help but envy the way he could steady himself so easily.
"Yeah…" Ymir agreed, her golden eyes flitting away. She rolled her shoulders and for the first time that night, she reached out a hand. "I'll see you around."
Reiner gingerly took her hand at first before firmly shaking it. She shook Bertholdt's too, taking in his gentle look before turning away and going into her car. Departing from the nauseating lamp post's glow and stepping into a more easing ray of moonlight.
The hum of the engine to her car vibrated her whole body and she leaned back in her seat, sighting heavily. Her emotions constricted her chest, choked her up and left her cold. Everything brimmed within her and she wasn't sure how she was still keeping it together. Every reason to explode was there, to burst in a fit of emotions but instead everything remained simmering, not yet overflowing.
After taking a few slow minutes of trying to compose herself, Ymir pulled the stick shift and headed home. When she walked into the apartment, the thought of how this would be one of her last times going through the front door passed her before she took in what she saw.
"You're here," Ymir addressed, her voice coming a bit distant. Ilse sat on the couch with Historia, the two of them had been watching a movie that was paused when Ymir entered the room.
"Why wouldn't I be?" Ilse replied back, the corner of her lip twitching. For a moment, her eyes drifted around the apartment. There were boxes stacked together, ready to be moved out. She met Ymir's gaze again and asked, "Want to join us?"
"What are we watching?"
"The Other Woman," Historia answered and she scooted over on the couch, patting the spot next to her. "We're not too far in, I'll catch you up."
Ymir squeezed in between Ilse and Historia and she was immediately aware of the warmth the two provided. Historia pressed herself closer to Ymir, cuddling into her side.
The movie was about a woman who found out the man she was married to was seeing another woman. The two women investigate this ordeal and discover there was also a third woman that the man was cheating on, resulting in the three of them plotting revenge against him.
It was a stupid movie, comedy and romance but Ilse and Historia laughing at it made Ymir grow fond of it quickly. And the movie was, unexpectedly, her breaking point.
There was a scene towards the end, where the woman threw her wedding ring away and sat on the beach with her two new friends while the cheesiest music played.
Ymir had heard Historia sniffle and it wasn't a big deal for a few seconds until it felt like an eighteen wheeler hit Ymir's body.
Ymir fell apart.
Crying quietly at first before one squeeze from the two who sat on either side of her left her a sobbing mess.
Ymir felt like a fool, the hot tears burning her cheeks as her chest was ripped apart, as her heart shattered into a million pieces.
She gritted her teeth, memories of a man who couldn't stop smiling haunting her head.
She was sorry, regretful, but incredibly frustrated and angry toward Marcel.
"Ymir," Historia whispered, in her ear, holding her arm tightly and rubbing the spot between her shoulder blades soothingly.
Ilse leaned in closer to Ymir, not saying anything but clearly understanding the situation.
Instead of admitting aloud her grief, Ymir acknowledged another pain underneath all her other emotions. "I'm going to miss this."
"Yeah," Ilse agreed, a little watery. "It was a good run as roommates, wasn't it?"
Ymir huffed, wiping the tears from her face and laughing lightly at Ilse. "It was."
"But hey, at least now you're going to be living the suburban life," Ilse remarked, squeezing Ymir's hand before letting go.
Ymir wasn't sure if she wanted to make a comment on how she never imagined a life like that until recently. Historia offered that doorway of choice and Ymir had already a foot out. She knew that once she left this apartment, she was saying goodbye to a part of her that she'd never be again.
The part of her that was filled with self-hatred and wallowed in a grief she never wanted to feel again. The grief of losing a child that wasn't even gone.
They finished the movie in silence and once Ymir's tears dried, Ymir pulled the two women from either side of her and hugged them. With relief, Ilse returned the hug, squeezing tightly. Ymir would miss her, of course, but she knew that leaving was necessary to live a life free from the weight of reminders Ymir wanted to let go.
…
Historia's hand traced Ymir's arm before finding itself intertwined with the brunette's fingers. She squeezed her hand once, then twice.
Ymir glanced at her, the corner of her lips quirked in amusement. "Are you nervous?"
"A little," Historia exhaled then shook her head and confessed, "A lot."
"Well, she isn't going to bite," Ymir replied, giving a sympathetic look before turning her head to stare forward. "I don't think she has that in her."
Historia was relieved to see that Ymir's shoulders had slacked over time, the tension easing away as a week passed by and she recovered. There was a certain air surrounding Ymir at the moment, free from a weight that lurked even if it was subtle.
Historia couldn't help but also feel pleased with the fact that what was happening right now was her only worry at the moment. And it was a good worry. A nervous excitement that prickled at her skin and had her stomach curling in anticipation.
"Mom!" A familiar car pulled up by the curbside and stopped beside them. A girl burst out of the backseat and tumbled into Ymir. The freckled woman's reflexes were fast, catching the little girl and scooping her up. "Hi."
"Hi," Ymir echoed back, a grin spreading across her face. She pressed her cheek against Freyja's for a moment before directing her attention to Val, who was leaning over from the driver's seat and looking at them with warmth. "Thank you."
"She's all yours," Val responded, saluting and then waving at Historia. "Don't let her overwhelm you."
Historia flushed and laughed lightly. "I'll try." She glanced at Freyja who was now eyeing Historia curiously.
"I'll see you guys in a couple of hours, don't have too much fun," Val said jokingly and gestured his goodbye. "Daddy loves you Freyja, make sure to behave."
"I will," Freyja answered, pulling her gaze away from Historia to eye her father with a tone of seriousness that wasn't expected.
The three of them watched Val drive away, Freyja waving a small hand after his car until it disappeared from sight. Ymir didn't miss a beat, silence barely hanging between them before she planted a quick peck on Freyja's cheek and asked, "Have you had anything to eat for lunch?"- Freyja shook her head. - "Perfect, let's go get burgers, how does that sound?"
Historia couldn't help feel her chest swirl with undeniable warmth as she watched the smaller girl beam and nod eagerly. After Ymir had Freyja buckled securely in a booster seat, Historia pulled the brunette away from the girl's line of sight and kissed the taller woman tenderly.
Ymir pulled away, a smile curving her lips as her eyes were wide with surprise. "Okay?"
"I love you," was all Historia could breathe out, pinching Ymir's forearm lightly before the two of them got into the car.
Historia could have sat back and just watched Ymir and Freyja interact the whole time. Their dynamic had her stomach blooming with butterflies and her heart feeling lighter with joy at every second that ticked by.
As Ymir walked off to go receive their food, Freyja ungripped the booth seat, pulling her eyes away from where Ymir had gone and stared directly at Historia. Historia stiffened for a moment, as if she expected the six year old to spew out some sneering remark that would have Historia squirming with uneasiness. Instead, the girl only stared silently, thoughtfully even, not saying a single word.
"I'm assuming you know who I am?" Historia tried, breaking the quietness between them. She spoke gently and it was at that moment that Historia realized that she hardly had any experience with children other than Carly. She packed that thought away, refusing to let that sort of insecurity take residence in her mind.
Freyja bobbed her head, bringing a finger up to her mouth. For a moment her lips parted as if she would gnaw on her knuckle but then she closed them and traced the corner of her mouth.
"I've heard a lot of things about you, Freyja," Historia offered this time, taking a note of the girl's shyness. Historia couldn't exactly blame the child, Historia was still a stranger.
"Mom's talked about you," Freyja mumbled back, shifting in her seat. She added, a little more quietly, "One time."
"Just once?"
"Yeah."
"Here you go," It was like Ymir popped out of thin air, slightly startling Historia. She placed the tray of food on the table and plopped down beside Freyja. "I hope you weren't waiting too long." Ymir moved her hands to set out Freyja's meal for her, pouring the girl's fries on the plastic wrap of her junior sized burger.
As Historia received her food and watched as Ymir gingerly helped Freyja get settled, the girl commented, "Your hair is getting longer."
"And I can see that Daddy took you for a haircut recently," Ymir bounced back, motioning to the top of the girl's head before unwrapping her own meal.
"Amara did it for me," Freyja informed matter-of-factly as she nibbled on a fry.
"Wasn't aware Amara was a hair stylist."
"Hair stylist?"
"People who do your hair, sweetheart."
"Oh," Freyja chewed with acceptance then glanced in Historia's direction. She said around a mouthful of her burger, "I think I want my hair long like Historia's next time."
Historia perked at the acknowledgement and couldn't help but touch her own hair at the mention. "Well, I was actually thinking about cutting mine short like yours."
Freyja quickly shook her head, spewing a few pieces of her burger as she said, "No, it's pretty!"
"Freyja, don't speak with your mouth full," Ymir warned gently but also sternly. Her golden orbs flicked between her daughter then to her partner. "But you're right, her hair is pretty."
"Sorry," Freyja swallowed apologetically. Her blue-green orbs, as thoughtful as they were, seemed as though they were evaluating Historia.
"Aw, you wouldn't like my hair short?" Historia pouted, playful as she took a drink from her soda.
"Oh, I don't care how it looks, it's this one you have to worry about," Ymir answered, throwing a thumb towards Freyja.
Freyja shrugged, shyly, and responded quietly, "It's just really pretty."
Historia couldn't help but grin, her heart warming at the girl's compliment. "That's very kind of you to say, Freyja."
They ate their food, relaxed. Historia couldn't help but admire the banter that happened between Freyja and Ymir. They bounced off each other quite easily and as quiet Freyja acted, she was rather straightforward.
Historia could see the absolute adoration swollen in Ymir's golden orbs, her love and care making her irises vibrant. It's a look that even Historia hadn't seen before now. A look that was meant only for Ymir's daughter and her alone.
"How do you not like ketchup?" Ymir gasped, exaggeration dripping from her tone and shaping her figure. She dipped a fry in said condiment and pointed it in Freyja's direction.
"It's icky!" Freyja squeaked, leaning back to keep distance between her face and the ketchup covered fry. "Ew, stop it!"
Ymir laughed, nudging her daughter teasingly before popping the food into her mouth. She commented after swallowing, "You'll grow out of it. One day your taste buds are going to change and you'll know how good it tastes."
"Or even more bad," Freyja retorted, glancing at Historia for a moment before continuing to eat her food.
"Yeah, we'll see," Ymir hummed, following her daughter's gaze. She asked, "Where would you like to go after this, Freyja?"
The girl paused, the option of choice obviously catching her off guard for a moment. She swallowed slowly before suggesting, "The carnival?"
"Um, no."
Freyja deflated for a quick second before picking something less ambitious. "Roller rink?"
"You want to go skating? Have you been before?"
"Daddy and Amara have taken me."
"Alright, sounds like a plan then," Ymir ruffled her daughter's hair which drew a giggle from the girl as she shifted away to finish her food comfortably.
…
Ymir felt her heart beating a little irregularly and she felt a sudden overwhelmingness tighten her chest. That feeling of undeserving was lurking back in her mind but she shoved it aside. She was already doing her best to hold her grief at bay, which was a feeling that was dulling as days continued to go by.
"Careful," Ymir said, knowing well that her daughter was far more comfortable on skates than Ymir was. The brunette was barely managing her own balance and while she watched her daughter travel comfortably, her concern for her daughter was still there.
Historia followed Ymir's gaze as Freyja skated to one side of the rink. The rink wasn't too crowded and it was easy to track the girl without losing her. Historia chuckled gently, "You should be more concerned about yourself. You look like you're about to fall."
"I am," Ymir replied, feeling her knees go wobbly and she wondered if it was really due to her lack of skill at skating or the fact that her happiness was clashing with those doubts she was doing her best to shove away. Because Ymir was happy. Very happy and yet the fucked up part of her mind was trying to ruin that for her.
"Come here," Historia's eyebrows furrowed as if she noticed the unease in Ymir's features and offered a hand.
Ymir delicately took it, offering a lopsided grin. Historia guided her to the edge where they could grip onto railing. Ymir did and she didn't realize her palms were sweating until she took a hold on the steel rail. Ymir puffed, her eyes traveling to where Freyja seemed to be concentrated on an imaginary path before returning to Historia's ocean blues. "I'm alright, you know. Everything is fine."
Historia hummed.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what?"
Ymir's fingers curled more securely on the railing and she glanced away. "Sorry, it's just….I'm really happy."
"You sure have a funny way of showing that," While she was joking, Historia's expression was etched in understanding because of course she would know how Ymir was feeling. Of course, Historia would know.
Before Ymir could say anything else, Freyja skated to the pair and Ymir immediately felt her lips curve into a warm smile. "I think these skates are broken."
"What's the matter?"
"One of the wheels," Freyja went to the spot beside Ymir and grabbed the railing as she lifted a foot to present the skate. "Aren't rolling."
"There's gum on it, sweetie," Historia said, her tone gentle. It made Ymir's insides twist at the sound..
"Oh," Freyja wrinkled her nose, which Ymir decided was the most adorable thing in the world.
"We can get you a new pair," Ymir gestured towards the small opening where they could leave and enter the rink.
"I can take her," Historia offered, causing Ymir to blink in surprise. "I think you should stay here, Ymir, let you get used to skating. I feel like you won't get back into the rink once you're out."
Freyja looked between the two women, curiosity present in her orbs. "Do you not know how to skate, Mom?"
"No, I do," Ymir reassured and she felt somewhat abashed as if she didn't, her value in Freyja's mind would decrease. She waved a hand and laughed lightly, "I just need to get used to this, it's been so long. Go with Historia, sweetheart, I'll be here when you get back."
Her daughter's only reply was a respectful nod and she moved to take Historia's hand, tugging her forward. It caught Ymir off guard but she was glad her daughter was getting more comfortable with the blond because she dreaded the idea of the two of them not getting along.
As the distance between them grew, Ymir let out a long sigh and felt the tension in her shoulders. She was okay. She knew she was but she wished she wasn't feeling as overwhelmed as she did. She didn't want Historia to worry and she didn't want to let her doubts ruin anything.
Ymir pushed herself backward, forcefully and felt herself roll back towards the center. She waved her arms a little wildly as she tried to find her balance and breathed in relief when she didn't fall down. She just had to clear her head. Skating around the ring a bit before Historia and Freyja could help that.
As she moved along at a steady and easy pace, she felt her thoughts about these paths a few months crowd messily. So much had happened and a part of her wasn't sure she had achieved this sort of peace in her life when everything before then had been so dark and stressful. Her downward spiral after losing Freyja, her accident that permanently left an ache in her legs and back and then Porco and Marcel. It was a lot and she could only imagine what was going through Historia's head as she experienced more burdens than Ymir. She knew Historia still had the anxiety and fears of her past and Ymir admired how Historia could just get up and continue living life after every cruel thing she experienced. She loved HIstoria for her strength, the strength that she allowed Ymir borrow to keep her steady. Butterflies fluttered in Ymir's stomach and she knew if she didn't love Historia then, she sure did love her now. The fact that Historia even gave her space, the fact that Historia was helping out her daughter and trying to get to know her. Ymir wasn't sure what she did to deserve Historia but she was glad Historia was in her life. Historia gave her purpose. Purpose to keep trying and striving for a better life. And Ymir was almost there. They were about to start a new life, far away from here and it would be wonderful.
"Ymir!"
The familiar voice startled the brunette out of her thoughts and she briefly stumbled for a moment before getting to the safety of a railing. She peered around the rink to find the owner of the voice and couldn't help but smile as she saw the person who called her eagerly skating her way.
"Carly!" Ymir shouted, her voice warm and surprised.
The young girl immediately latched on to Ymir's leg and purposefully punched it. "Where have you been?!"
"Ouch," Ymir feigned a hurt look and moved her hand to ruffle the girl's hair. "Hey, that's not nice."
"You're not nice!" Carly pouted and rubbed her face into Ymir's jeans before unlatching herself as her father and mother came their way. "I missed you."
"I did too," Ymir genuinely said and a small ache in her chest was enough to know why. She hadn't exactly been to their house considering everything else in her life. She had last seen Eren at the funeral and with a cold realization, Carly probably didn't know that Ymir was moving away. She swallowed and met the eyes of the older two individuals, "Hey."
"Hey to you too," Eren greeted with an easy smile as Mikasa stood stoically beside him. "Surprised to see you here. Are you on a date with Historia?"
"Something like that," And as if it were on cue, Freyja shouted her direction, skating curiously their way. Ymir paid close attention to her daughter as the girl pressed herself close to Ymir's side and stared warily at Carly who looked back with confused but intrigued eyes. The familiarity that flickered between the two girls was brief and Freyja wondered if she simply didn't remember the Yaegers by their names. Ymir introduced, a little awkwardly, "This is, um...Freyja. Freyja, these are the Yaegers."
"I know you!" Carly was the first to say anything and she squinted her eyes before pointing down at her skates then at Freyja's. "Wanna skate together?"
"Carly…?" Freyja asked, the girl beamed at the sound of her name. The edge of her lips quivered into a small smile and Freyja nodded gingerly. "Yeah, sure."
Ymir won't try to beat herself up over the fact that it was so simple and now her daughter was skating off with another little girl she cared so dearly for.
Historia's hand found itself in Ymir's before Ymir could really register anything and when she finally pulled her full attention to the Yaegers, they looked surprised but pleased.
"Wow," Eren breathed and his face cracked into a wide grin. His green eyes shared a moment with Mikasa's steel orbs before he said, "Ymir, wow, this is great."
"She's great," Ymir replied, her voice soft as she felt the melancholy wrap itself around her. She puffed out, forcing the tension away, "I'd ask you what you're doing here but I think it's obvious."
Eren laughed and it gave Ymir a sense of relief that he seemed fine after the last time she saw him. Which was at Marcel's funeral.
Ymir pushed the thought away.
"Carly's been rather enthusiastic about skating, ever since her Christmas present," Mikasa commented, watching the two girls from a nearby distance. When she met Ymir's gaze, Ymir offered a lopsided smile. "It's good to see your daughter, Ymir."
"I mean, she barely gave you her time," Ymir chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck.
"Well, that's our Carly, eager to take someone's attention," Eren said, letting a comfortable silence settle between the four of them as they watched the girls.
Carly seemed to be demonstrating some tricks she learned and was helping Freyja mimic them. Freyja looked hesitant but with enough encouragement from the slightly older girl, she was willing to try.
And even if the sight warmed Ymir, she knew that it wasn't a sight she would have pleasure in seeing often. They were leaving after all.
Freyja didn't even know that.
And the raw guilt that suddenly drenched Ymir was sickening.
Ymir knew what she had been doing and was holding off the inevitable talk. Freyja would live with her, again, but it was a rather sudden change that she wasn't sure on how her daughter would react. Ymir had just walked back into her life again and here she was, taking Freyja away from the father she just met.
"We're leaving, you know. Away from here, away from everything."
"We know, Ymir."
…
Ymir eased a bit at the roller rink as they continued talking to the Yaegers. Historia could still see the conflict in Ymir's expression but there was a sense of warmth surrounding her that lessened Historia's worries. Ymir was happy and while she was also anxious and a little overwhelmed, Ymir was strong enough to overcome it.
By the time they left, the sun was going down and Historia paused for a moment to watch Ymir and Freyja walk ahead of her. Ymir had already texted Val to come over here to pick up the girl so the three of them were waiting for him to arrive.
When Ymir noticed Historia lagging behind, she casted a look over her shoulder. Historia met her golden eyes and Historia willed her message to get across. Historia was making distance between them for a reason. She waved her hand to gesture to Ymir to go ahead, to get on with it, to have that conversation with her daughter.
Historia watched the way Ymir's lips curled into an uneasy smile and glanced at Freyja nervously. Historia was able to understand the fear and concern. She understood why it was hard for Ymir but she knew that Ymir hesitating was just making the situation worse.
Historia nodded encouragingly and she offered a comforting smile. Her heart soared as Ymir bobbed her head and crouched down to speak to her daughter.
Historia pulled her gaze away, offering the two privacy. She greeted people who walked past her to enter the roller rink for their own night of fun. Even holding the door for them and receiving compliments in return.
She wasn't sure how much time passed but she noticed how Val was still not here. She glanced over in Ymir's direction and felt her stomach twist in sympathy.
Freyja was upset, it was clear and Ymir had a firm hand around the girl's wrist who struggled in retaliation. She was trying to run away from her mother and there were hot tears springing from her earthy orbs.
It wasn't exactly a reaction that Historia had expected and it was clear on Ymir's distressed face that she wasn't expecting the outburst either.
It was a reminder though. It was a reminder that Freyja was just a little girl who still had the world to learn about.
Eventually, Ymir let go and Freyja sprinted forward in Historia's direction. She stopped a few feet away from the blond, not sure what to do as tears continued to trail down her face. Her sobs were constrained but she hiccupped as she scrubbed at her eyes.
"Freyja," Historia called out gently and crouched down.
The girl walked hesitantly towards her. Her bottom lip trembled and there was conflict in her vivid orbs. One fist was over her heart and she said shakily, "It hurts."
Historia winced slightly, all too familiar with what Freyja was meaning. She's felt that pain before, the one where your heart aches as it's torn apart. She asked simply, "What's wrong?"
"I...I want to go," Freyja answered and she sniffed. "I want to go but I don't want to leave Daddy. I...it's like what happened with Mommy."
Historia raised her eyebrows momentarily, knowing that Freyja was talking about when she was separated from Ymir and went to live with Val. She also took the note that Freyja referenced Ymir as 'Mommy' instead of 'Mom'. She glanced in Ymir's direction who was watching them from a distance, rubbing one of her arms.
"Why can't we just be together?" Freyja questioned, her voice didn't even quaver when she asked and Historia knew at that moment that Freyja would grow up to be someone far better than anything in her life.
"It's hard, I know, Freyja," Historia replied softly. A hand instinctively went to the girl's face and she drew a thumb over her cheek to wipe off a tear. "I understand how torn up you feel. You love your mom and dad, you don't want to leave either of them and that's okay."
Historia had to admit when Freyja's small hand went to grip Historia's wrist, clinging onto it as if it offered comfort, her heart was soaring.
Freyja spoke, her voice small and steady, "Mom doesn't like it here."
Historia pressed her lips tightly together and she continued carassesing the girl's cheek gently. "What makes you think that?"
"She's tense," Her words are heavy and her eyes casted downward as water continued to pool in her orbs. "We're having fun and she's tense."
Historia pulled the girl close and hugged her. She felt the way Freyja decompressed in her arms. "Your mom loves you. Your dad loves you, Freyja. They talked about this already and they just want the best for you. You'll be able to see your dad as much as we can manage."
"W-we're moving so far though," Freyja cried quietly in the crook of Historia's neck.
"We are," Historia agreed, rubbing Freyja's back. "But your dad loves you enough to make that distance and we'll go to him if he can't come to us. Your mom doesn't want to take anything away from you, Freyja. She only wants the best and she believes moving away is part of the solution."
And in perfect timing, Historia noticed Val's car pull up. He stepped out, concern written all over his features. Historia waved a hand for him to wait and pointedly looked at Ymir so the man could go talk to her.
"It's okay to be sad about this," Historia continued. She broke the hug to look Ymir's daughter in her eyes and placed a few strands of her hair behind her ears. "Please know that it's okay to say anything about what you're feeling, Freyja. Your dad, your mother and even myself are willing to talk it out with you. We're here for you."
Freyja nodded slowly and she wiped at her face. Historia could tell the girl was a little lost on words, most likely because she was overwhelmed. Historia didn't blame her. She still had a whole world to discover.
Historia let out a breath of relief and ran her hand once over the girl's hair. She nudged her encouragingly to go to her father. Historia watched the way Freyja jumped into Val's arms and it made her heart ache.
When they departed and said their goodbyes, Ymir walked to Historia's side and sighed heavily. "I feel like an asshole."
"I might as well feel that way too," Historia replied, taking a grip onto one of Ymir's hands and moving it to her lips to place them on Ymir's knuckles.
Ymir was silent for a few heartbeats before she said, "Thank you for talking to her."
"It was nothing."
"No, it was everything."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Ymir confirmed and she leaned in to kiss Historia. "Whatever you told her, it worked."
"I just told her the truth," Historia looked at Ymir, her lips twisted into a small smile with slightly furrowed eyebrows. "You both are my future."
"I can say the same thing," Ymir said, her voice suddenly hoarse.
"Ymir," Historia's tone softened and she placed one hand on the nape of her neck to pull her closer, their foreheads pressed against each other.
The two remained like that for a few precious moments before Ymir broke them apart and she gestured for them to start heading to the car.
"To the future," Ymir spoke hopefully, buckling herself in and starting to reverse out of their parking spot.
"To the future," Historia echoed back, her eyes glued onto Ymir as she remained focused on the road. "And a new beginning."
"And a new beginning."
…
Author's Note: I really don't know what to say other than giving an apology for the really long delay. I was just pretty busy and the inspiration to write wasn't there, not to mention that my mental health kinda just plummeted. I feel like I have a lot more to say for this story specifically but my mind's blank, I think I'll be able to properly express my feelings in the last chapter. Well, actually, speaking of the last chapter, the Attack on Titan manga ending was….something. I have some pretty mixed feelings on it, the additional pages that were added made it a little better but I still feel pretty conflicted on it. Yeah, that's all I got to say.
Until then, Zouboss.