A/N: Bella's thoughts may seem very rambled, contradictory and all over the place—because they are. She doesn't know how to feel and she's constantly battling between thinking with her heart vs. thinking with her head!

~We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell~

I pull away from Edward and try to get off the bed. I need space from him. His presence is too overwhelming at the moment.

Edward panics and pulls on my wrist hard. "Wait! Please baby, listen. It wasn't intentional, I-I swear. You have to believe me," he begs, fear evident in his tone.

I flinch at his touch, and more tears drop from his haunted eyes. He looks devastated, like I just stabbed him in his heart.

Edward lets go of my wrist as horror fills his eyes. "You're scared of me, aren't you? You think I'm a fucking monster," he croaks, his voice breaking off at the end of his sentence.

It's not a question. It's a statement.

All the confusion, anguish, and pain inside of me unleashes as I begin to yell. Heartbroken from his deceit and lies. "You fucking lied to me! You told me that you came here…" I fume, but I can't finish my sentence because a realization hits me; even though he never told me the truth, he never lied either. Edward didn't really lie about the reason he moved here. He said it had to do with his ex's death—just not that he was the one who caused it.

Little white lies, right? More like massive ones.

Edward scrubs his hands over his face, rubbing the grown in scruff along his jaw. "I never lied to you. I just didn't tell you that I did it. For fucks sake Bella, what did you want me to tell you?" he groans, the volume of his voice rising in frustration. "That I murdered my ex?"

He had a point.

Edward continues, "I tried to tell you that night after our talk, but you distracted me by fucking me senseless. Believe me, it ate at me every day, and I wanted to tell you… but every time I tried, the words wouldn't come out." He rubbed his temples. "Yes, maybe I was fucking selfish, but I couldn't lose you. Why the fuck would you stay and still love a murderer?' he whispered painfully.

I'm frozen, in silence, still in shock.

He's practically ripping his hair from his scalp, his long fingers tugging on it. "I never thought I would ever be with someone again, let alone fucking fall in love. When I met you, you were the best thing that could've happened to me and my worst fucking nightmare at the same time... because I knew I would fall harder for you than I ever have before—and since the world is a cruel place, I would lose you the second you found out," Edward sighs deeply.

"But I couldn't resist you. I tried to save you, to keep away when I first saw you. But you were so persistent, and I knew that you felt it too—this unbreakable bond that tied us together."

I know exactly what he's talking about—the ache in my heart that's connected to his.

He's still sitting on the bed. I'm standing in front of him, and he's squeezing onto both of my hands for dear life. "Please hear me out. I swear I didn't mean to—it was a fucking accident. I don't even remember doing it," Edward pleads.

I need to hear him out. My love for him hasn't lessened at all.

I take a deep breath and sit down next to him again, but this time with space in between us.

"Edward, you need to tell me everything that happened." I try everything in my power to keep my voice steady and firm, but it comes out weaker than I intended.

Edward leans forward, his elbows on his knees and holding his face in both hands as he stares at the wall in front of him. He's numb and broken; it's clear as day on his face and in his tone. Like he needs to switch off something in his brain to tell his story—to keep his composure without falling apart more than he already has.

He pauses and takes a moment to gather his thoughts, taking deep breaths before he begins. "I was dating this girl, Victoria. We were off and on for about a year. It was nothing too serious, but we had this weird, toxic, dependent relationship with each other. We fought a lot—it wasn't love, it was mostly lust, but we couldn't leave... we just tolerated each other." Edward drew his lower lip between his teeth. "I only stayed because I thought it was better than being alone, and many of the other girls I was surrounded by weren't much better... plus the sex was decent," he cringes as he says it, but I can tell that he is trying to be as honest as possible, and not hold anything back. "Now I know that I was never in love with her, especially compared to the way I feel about you." Fuck, why does he have to say shit like that? It makes this even harder.

Edward wrings his hands together; I watch the veins throb, blood rushing beneath his skin. "I found out that she was cheating on me with her drug dealer Riley for months," he says. "Even before all this shit went down, I wasn't the most law-abiding citizen. I was that typical rebellious teen that hung out with the wrong crowd and wanted to defy my parents, even though they didn't deserve any of it. There was something so fulfilling about being reckless and doing things I shouldn't be doing—for no fucking reason other than I was a dumb, crazy, arrogant kid that thought he was invincible." Edward shrugs, staring at the floor in deep concentration. "Jokes on me," he laughs humorlessly.

I can relate to that. Isn't that what drew us to each other in the first place? We were wild kids that understood each other—or so I thought.

I hold my breath as I listen to him. "When I found the text messages between Riley and Victoria… I got extremely fucked up. My plan was to go to his house, beat the shit out of him, and leave her. I don't remember anything past banging on his door," he shared.

Edward leaned back on his hands, staring up at the ceiling. "Even though I wasn't in love with her, there was an uncontrollable rage in me because of my pride. That's the real reason I went to beat up Riley. I spent so much money on her, put up with so much bullshit, and she was fucking cheating on me, with the biggest piece of scum, on top of it all," he let out a harsh laugh. "I wasn't even that broken up about it, but I knew if I didn't do anything, I'd look like a pussy. I did it for my reputation, and I hate myself even more because I fucked up my life for someone who wasn't even worth it." He grimaced, shaking his head.

"After I woke up on the floor, Riley told me that I killed Victoria. I was hysterical, not understanding what happened, and not believing that I would do something like that. I knew I was fucked up, but I could never hurt someone in that way." Edward sounds so helpless, like a vulnerable little boy. Such a contradiction to the actions he's admitting to. I didn't want to believe it either. I was so tempted to comfort him, but I needed to hear everything first. "Riley told me that I found them fucking and attacked him; he had the bruises and black eye to prove it. He said she jumped on me to get me off of him, and I supposedly threw her off my back. She smashed her head against his glass coffee table." He squeezed his eyes shut in distress, tortured by reliving those memories.

Fuck, so he really did kill her, and such a horrible way too.

I was praying that maybe she had an accidental overdose, or something that he blamed himself for, but wasn't really his fault—but she died by his hands. The color drained from my face, and the gaping hole in my chest crushed me even more. I could hear my shallow, agonizing breaths fill the room.

Edward's body shook with tremors, his hands trembling, his skin sweaty and clammy. I understand why he couldn't talk about it now; he couldn't bear the thought of it. Talking about it aloud, reminding him of the day he lost everything, was too unbearable to handle. "Riley wouldn't let me into his room to see her body, and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle seeing it, knowing I did that; that's why I didn't push," he remarked, his voice strained. "His dad was the police chief in our town, and if her death was reported, he would be the one handling the case. Riley told me that if I paid him $250,000, they would cover it up, clean and dispose of her body and make it seem like she went missing. She had a history of running away, a bad reputation, and she lived with her deadbeat dad, who didn't give a shit about her, so they made it sound so simple. If I didn't pay up, they would rat me out." His hands have a death grip on his thighs, trying to release his anguish. He winces as his nails dig in through the denim.

This story just gets more fucked up than I could ever imagine. I wrap my arms around myself, needing to give myself a sense of comfort—it doesn't work. Who are you supposed to turn to when you don't know if you can trust the one you used to rely on, the one who used to make everything better?

Tears run down his cheeks—and mine. "They knew my Dad was the chief of surgery and was loaded, so it was easy for them to blackmail me. My dad had the money and wouldn't let me rot in jail for the rest of my life... even if I deserved it," Edward sniffed. "I already had a reputation for having a temper, and they had evidence. They had cameras on their front porch, showing me walking into the house and other proof." He paused, his brows knitted. "My family and I also had to move far away; that was part of the deal. Sometimes I felt like I deserved to spend the rest of my life in prison, but my Dad wouldn't ever let that happen, especially since it would destroy his 'perfect' family's image," Edward adds bitterly.

Edward's lower lip quivers as he speaks. "I ruined my fucking family's life. They lost everything because of me and had to change their entire lives. I fucking hate myself for it. I don't know how they don't look at me every day and see a monster, a fucking killer—I do," he spits, his teeth gritted and nostrils flared.

"We moved to Forks 'cause that's where my mom grew up. We were lucky that the hospital was eager to take in Carlisle, and my mom is a teacher, so it wasn't too hard for her either. Alice resented me for a while because she lost all her friends, but we never told her the real reason why we had to move here. Only my parents, Riley and his Dad know… and now you." Edward massaged the back of his neck. "My mom forgave me, thinks it was a complete accident, but I know my Dad resents me for uprooting their whole life and for taking someone's life. He never approved of the decisions I made and always thought I was a lost cause, even before. Carlisle doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm a monster," Edward confesses. "I mean, he's right. I don't blame him." He looks away shamefully.

"Carlisle thinks I'd do it again— that I could hurt you too. That's why he acted like that when you first met him. I can't hate him for that because he was trying to protect you… but I would never... — I would kill myself first before I ever hurt you—" He can't finish his sentence because he chokes on his words. He can't handle the thought of hurting me.

I can't stand the thought of him hurting himself, but deep in my heart, I believe his words. I wouldn't be able to live without him either.

I can't do the distance anymore. I can't sit here and watch my twin flame fall apart in front of me and not do anything to take away his pain when I'm the only one that can. After all the information he just unloaded on me, I still don't know how I feel, but our connection and bond is still as strong as ever—I can feel it. The energy and gravity of the earth pulling us together regardless of our demons. I need to show him that I'm still here. He's in the darkest place I've ever seen him, and I can't stand how much he hates himself, whether it's his fault or not. No one should have to live with that guilt for the rest of their lives.

I place my hand on Edward's knee. The second the heat of my palm connects with his thigh, electricity runs through both of our bodies—he still lights a fire within me. His startled, grief-stricken eyes pierce into mine. I can't place all the emotions in his eyes, but the fear is so prominent. He puts his hand on mine like he never wants to let go. Our chests rise and fall with rapid breaths, the only sound in the room. We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, and for that moment, it's as if he never revealed what will change us forever—just Bella and Edward before this destruction. Two lost souls.

Edward reluctantly breaks our eye contact; there's still more he needs to say. This is what I wanted—no more secrets. "I was so fucking hostile at the beginning when I first came here. I was disgusted for taking Victoria's life away from her. No one deserves that—no matter what." He shoves his hair back away from his face. "It was my way of accepting what a monster I was. I needed to punish myself in some way. I had to keep everyone away so I couldn't hurt anyone else. I didn't deserve to have anyone; I would ruin them like I did to Victoria. I didn't deserve a second chance at life," Edward swallows, the muscle in his jaw twitching.

He grips onto both of my hands desperately, pulling me to look right at him, so I can read the emotion and honesty in his eyes. "I'm so sorry I didn't stay away from you. I fucking tried so hard, but you ignited something in me that I thought was dead; I didn't even think you were fucking real." Edward studies my expression. I wonder what he can read from my face. "I either was the luckiest motherfucker to have someone like you after everything I'd done, or God was cruel to tempt me with you, knowing I wouldn't be able to keep you." His words fucking break me more than I already am. He is completely open and exposed, not holding anything back. I can see the resentment he has against himself. I've never met anyone that despises themself so much—it tears me apart.

An important detail I need to know rings in my mind, and I blurt out my question. "Why do you still have the necklace that she was wearing when you—?" I choke. I can't finish those words out loud. A part of me is still in denial because when my mind fully processes the whole situation, I'm afraid of how I might react.

His mouth twists in distress. "Riley gave it to me as 'evidence.' I kept it to remind myself of what I did and who I am. How I don't deserve to have anyone because of what I did to her, but it obviously didn't work cause I'm a selfish prick—"

"Edward, stop," I demand. I'm tired of him crucifying himself. Yeah, he made a fucking terrible mistake, but he can't live the rest of his life torturing himself because of it.

He glances at me, startled at the hardness of my tone. He's looking at me in confusion, waiting for me to tell him how I feel, but the words won't come out. My mind is all over the place, a million thoughts running through it at once.

A/N: I'm posting this quickly before work. I'll post the next chapter tonight once I'm done! Hope you guys are liking it :)

Twin flame- An intense soul connection, sometimes called a "mirror soul," thought to be a person's other half.