Chapter 5: Bitch Go Die

"I do not think, therefore I do not am."

— 10 —

Blake sat on the roof, her Aura shielding her from the cold. It wasn't a strong kind of burn, like you'd need for a blizzard or icy water. Really, it was just a passive barrier to keep from freezing. Stupid as she was, she hadn't grabbed her coat before she had run away from Weiss into the evening. And then…

Then it'd just gotten worse.

Blake had started running until she had nowhere left to go. Standing on the edge of the cliff at Beacon. And it wasn't like she was going to jump. Even if she did, for some completely ridiculous reason, she had Aura. She would survive. But by that point, it had gotten late. She hadn't gotten any texts from Weiss or Shamrock or anything that would explain what was going on. She didn't know how badly Weiss was hurt. If they needed to go to the doctor or they were going to the headmaster to try to get Blake expelled for hurting her teammate. And it wasn't like she could just ask them.

Well, she could, just send them a text, but the mere idea of trying to communicate with them like that made the nerves in the back of her hand go stiff. She couldn't just ask. That would be wrong. Why did just thinking about it make her palms sweaty? Goddammit!

But that also meant that as night was falling, she couldn't exactly just return to the dorm room. What was she supposed to do, slink in there in silence and hope no one paid attention to her? Maybe get awkwardly engaged in conversation with the girl she nearly brained against the kitchen counter. Why hello there, Weiss. How's the bruise and the head injury? Alright, I'm just going to go to sleep now. Ta ta.

As if.

But that meant she was stuck outdoors like… gods, like a goddamn cat. The mere thought itself humiliated her. Almost as badly as proving Weiss' bigoted assumptions correct when she picked the lock to an unused dorm room and settled in for the night. The beds were all neatly made but without decoration, waiting for students who would never arrive. Or maybe they were just waiting for the Vytal Festival. A lot of space on campus seemed to be prepared for foreign exchange students, or those coming to stay here for that festival towards the end of the next semester. There were even rooms set aside for solo students who didn't have teams yet, on the occasion that the Initiation was delayed and they couldn't just throw all the children like wild in the main hall and hope for the best.

So she slept alone for the first time in months. And she found it was too quiet to sleep. No Weiss and her late night routines before bed. No Shamrock listening to music on their headphones as they read late-night texts. No Jaune sleeping restlessly and then waking up at an ungodly hour before everybody else to do calisthenics or whatever the hell he did. The entire room was just so quiet all she could do was curl up in the stolen blankets and stare into the darkness. And in any case, everything smelled so obsequiously clean and unused. No scent of other people, no sense of being lived in. It was like trying to fall asleep in a graveyard.

Blake wasn't entirely sure she even fell asleep. Maybe she just closed her eyes for a little extra time here and there. The night lasted forever, seconded only by tomorrow, when the Long Night happened and the winter solstice occurred.

She tried to make the bed to hide her tracks, half-heartedly trying to remember the way Jaune did it. Only he and Weiss actually made their beds. He had tried teaching Blake, but she wasn't exactly interested in whatever a hospital corner was. She had mostly just insisted she would make him go to a hospital if he ever tried forcing her to make her own bed.

It looked sloppy. She still couldn't figure out what the difference was between the bed she had made and the pre-made one she had found in the room. Hopefully, no one would notice whenever students came next semester to take over.

And so, still unable to go back to her room, still unable to find anybody to talk to, she made her way up to the top of the dorm building. Blake sat on the roof, letting the snow fall around her. And just couldn't even contemplate trying to talk to Weiss.

You: Hey, what are you supposed to do when you screw up? Like, really screw up?

Her fingers hovered over her scroll, staring down at the message she was trying to send Jaune. Fucking Jaune of all people. How had he become her only real friend since pretty much ever? She remembered people she had grown up with in Menagerie, talking to Ilia about how she had come to hate humans in her time hiding among them. One of her few real friends growing up, that girl. A chameleon faunus with all the bells and whistles that would imply. She had been the one to indirectly give Blake the idea to hide her ears behind a hairbow. The same kind that Weiss had accidentally ripped off before seeing exactly who and what Blake was.

She wished she could take it all back. Just go back to only having Jaune know and accept her. Now Weiss knew and she would hate her for it. And odds were she would tell Shamrock, and Blake had absolutely no idea what Shamrock thought about anything. They were nearly a complete mystery to her even after all this time.

Blake held her breath, and sent the text.

The response didn't come immediately. The text didn't even say it had been read. There were probably a million things that he was doing too busy to answer her. And in any case, it was stupid and desperate, and she immediately regretted sending it. She wished there was some kind of undo button for texts. Part of her wanted to go jk I'm good, live the Long Night. But there was no way to do that without making it sound even more desperate and sketchy.

Gods, why couldn't she figure this out on her own? She used to be more independent. She used to have all the answers. The world had made sense to her. She could organize it into right and wrong, and act appropriately. It was why she decided to run away from home, go against the wishes of her father, and join up with Adam to be with the White Fang.

She used to be so wrong about everything.

Now there wasn't a damn thing she knew for sure anymore.

Blake held her knees to her chest, just watching the snowfall. She wondered where Weiss was. Why she or Shamrock hadn't reached out to her. She had to think that they were trying to get her expelled for her actions. They knew she was faunus now. Weiss hated her kind. She wondered if the girl would put two and two together, figure out her interest in the White Fang, and realize she was one of them. The only person who knew that was Headmaster Ozpin, whom she admitted it to during her entrance interview, and Jaune, who despite being a complete idiot had been so keenly aware of her that he figured it all out on his own.

Her scroll buzzed. She didn't know how long she had been waiting.

The Boy: Well first you ask if you've been drinking. That's usually the root cause of my big screw-ups.

Despite herself, Blake found a chuckle going from her lips. She rolled her eyes and tried to reply.

You: No drinking here. But I did screw up. I'm not sure how to recover or if I can

The Boy: I don't believe that. You're way smarter than that.

You: I don't think you understand

You: I really don't know how I'm going to fix this

The Boy: Like I said, you're smarter than that. I thought I raised you better than to believe you couldn't fix a problem.

You: You didn't raise me at all

The Boy: Oh right, your gay father raised you alongside your mother. I've been having way too much experience with gay dads these last couple days.

Blake squinted at the text message.

You: Wat

The Boy: Basically, if you're reaching out to me, then you think it can be fixed. I don't even know why you're worrying.

You: No seriously, go back to the gay dads thing

The Boy: It's cool the HIV test came back negative. Yang is traumatized. Life is good.

This was getting distracted. She was letting him get her off topic. Allowing her to be faintly amused instead of deeply terrified and worried.

How dare he try to make her feel better!

You: So what would you do to fix it if you really screwed up?

The response didn't come immediately. She was worried she did something wrong. Ask the wrong question. Or maybe she wasn't coming across as serious as she was, and he would be distracted by his family. Not that she could blame him. She was ruining his Long Night with her problems. Probably making him worry. All because she had been stupid and fucked up and punched Weiss thinking maybe it would lead to something productive. Instead, it was just a goddamn disaster.

The Boy: Do you remember what I did to you?

You: Way back when? I try not 2

The Boy: Yeah. You and Weiss and Shamrock. There's not a single day out there where I made the right call for the longest time. I kept thinking that if I just aggressively pretended everything was okay, it would work out. That I could bully through things and it would just be okay. *That* was fucking up. That was me causing irreparable harm to people I should be caring about. And all the while, I thought it was funny, that you were laughing on the inside.

You: I wasn't. No one was

The Boy: Did it hurt?

You: I guess

The Boy: Do you hate me now for making you suffer?

She held the scroll down, looking out across the snowy campus. All she could do was think. Of the way Jaune had talked to her. Grabbed her without her consent and dragged her along to do some stupid shit like make cookies. Completely disregarded any opinions and feelings she had. Invaded her privacy as a matter of course. Belittled her with his awful attempts at humor. Even the way, in a sense, how he had manipulated her into going up against the White Fang. He couldn't have known at the time. Just an idiot trying to do good and failing, the same as she was. But, still.

Blake wondered what she would do now if he just suddenly grabbed her wrist and—no, he just wouldn't do that. Not in the same way, the same context. She remembered waking up in her bed after she activated his Aura. He had actually asked her if it was okay to touch her before he hugged her. Something the old Jaune never would have done. Blake had even made a joke of it, asking "has that ever stopped you before?" But it was a serious change. And she had allowed him to touch her. It was things like that, the really small things, that truly meant something.

Nowadays, if he asked for her hand?

Well…

You: No. I don't hate you. You're my friend. I think I unironically like you

The Boy: Luh yuh too, Blake

The Boy: No homo

You: ಠ_ಠ

The Boy: Imagine loving someone who likes dick. Miss me with that gay adjacency

Blake rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway.

You: You're the worst

The Boy: But do you remember how we got here? I came to you once, begging for your help. And it was everything I could do and you only barely managed to look into the thing I was trying to get you to do. How did we get from there, to you hating me for the creep I was, to this, when I can call liking you gay and I'm pretty sure you're having a good time?

You: No I'm angry

You: Much anger

You: Raging pit of rage .

The Boy: When we lie, we only hurt ourselves. But suicide is badass. Please continue.

You: That's actually not funny. Suicide is serious

The Boy: Cool

She frowned.

You: How come you're always so chill? It's like nothing bothers you. If someone gets angry at you, you just play it off

You: Weiss can be a complete bitch to you, and you just think it's funny. Or try to be nice to her. How do you do it?

You: It's like you almost don't care and just keep going

Another long pause. Blake grit her teeth, holding her knees to her chest. Her Aura kept her comfortable.

The Boy: I *do* care, especially about you.

Blake felt a sudden heat underneath her cheeks. She didn't know why. Maybe the Aura wasn't working and this was oncoming hypothermia.

The Boy: I used to self-medicate until I couldn't. And that was when I was at my worst. I was a fucking wreck. It took understanding of what I was doing, willing myself to face the music, before I was able to fix it. And even then, part of it still don't work. I'm just trying to do my best by the people I've hurt. You especially. You hated me for good reason, and here we are. Thick as thieves. And I can only do that because I care so much.

The Boy: I did awful things. Hurt people like you. And the only way through that was realizing that I was the problem. It was me and my behavior that was doing everything. No one's fault but mine. And even when I thought I had fixed it, everyone still hated me for the longest time. It was a war of inches just to make you smile, the most gorgeous and precious thing I ever got.

Blake felt the heat under her cheeks get worse. She uncomfortably shifted her legs beneath her. All she could do was watch as it said he was typing, eager to see what he'd say.

The Boy: If you screwed up badly, then you have to admit it to yourself, not just to me. You have to look at what you did wrong, who you hurt. And try to make it up to them. They might reject you, repeatedly. They might not want to forgive you ever. But that doesn't mean you can't take the steps to right it. Inch by inch, so long as it's in the right direction.

You: And that's the night after the bloodwork stuff. When you told me you'd always be there for me.

The Boy: Even if you didn't want me to be there, I'd still support you and have your back. You deserve so much better than me. The least I can do is be the best version of myself possible for you.

Blake listened to her own breathing, her eyes closed. The ears under her bow flat. He was trying to be the best version of himself for her, because he thought he had wronged her. He had wronged her. He had acknowledged he was a complete piece of shit and worked to better himself even when she hated him all the same. What could that mean for her and Weiss? Punching her in the face hadn't brought them together. But maybe apologizing would be possible. She could swallow the fear in her throat and go up to her, apologize, explain what she was thinking, and accept any punishment and anger.

A war of inches. Just so long as you're moving in the right direction.

Part of the way Jaune acted suddenly made a lot of sense to her. She did think he managed to pull off witchcraft with the way he managed to make people come around to him. But she couldn't really think of any single moment where it all clicked exactly. At least for her, it was a couple of occasions. Him saying he'd be there, talking in the library about sushi, the hospital, and fighting Cardin together. Even when she had activated his Aura, it wasn't exactly the moment she instantly liked him. It was just something along the road. A sliding scale from hatred towards, y'know, that other mushy feeling. Until she and him had gone from mortal enemies, to people who could just hang out together and shoot the shit all evening and have a great time.

She wondered if she could do that with Weiss. If there would be a point when she could lean against her for support, knowing they had wronged each other. Because it wasn't like Weiss was completely innocent. She was a bitch and a bigot. But she saw the way Jaune handled Cardin. He hadn't judged him for being a bastard. He had respected him as a fellow man for fighting back, and then the two of them had seemed to become friends over it. Acknowledging that he was wrong, but not inherently punishing him or hating him for that. Willing to open up a dialogue. And also to punch him in the balls.

It was still a confusing mess. But as she sat there, thinking of it all, maybe, just maybe, she could work this out.

Maybe is a baby who always says yes.

Blake shook her head, smiling into the hopeful distance. "Get out of my thoughts, Jaune."

She looked back down at her scroll.

You: I think I can do that. It won't work all at once, but inches and inches towards the right direction, yeah?

The Boy: Yes, now stop having your own big dramatic moments of character growth without me. I feel like I'm missing out, and only I'm allowed to have internal dialogue and a rollercoaster of emotions. Stop stealing my show. It's just rude and inconsiderate.

You: Never!

You: I am the main character now and you are all part of my harem

The Boy: :0

The Boy: Luh yuh too.

You: No homo

The Boy: Now you're getting it!

She closed her scroll, laughing. Just laughing to herself like a complete madwoman, out alone in the snow and the rooftop. She hated this boy with every fiber of her being. And she wouldn't have him changed to be any other way. Not in any sense that he hadn't changed himself. In a way, she could respect that. She still remembered him asking if she'd rather have him any other way, and she had told him emphatically yes. All before she realized that he was working on bettering himself, and making it up to her. That slow, insidious process of making her come around to him. So slow she hadn't even realized it had happened, until one day they were just friends and she couldn't even explain how they got there.

But as for her and Weiss?

Yeah. She could do this. She could talk to Weiss all on her own and figure this out. Even if she didn't, even if things didn't work perfectly, inches by inches. The way that Jaune had made her come around him, she could learn and use it for Weiss. Not forgetting, nor inherently forgiving, but being able to move past things.

If an idiot like Jaune could pull it off, then she could do it twice as good! A girl's gotta flex, after all.

But if she was going to do this, she needed to be honest, with herself and Weiss. Direct and head-on was the only way to do this. She needed to bear it all; be open like Jaune was. She couldn't just be Blake Belladonna, whatever ruse she'd put up to disguise herself. Couldn't hide and pretend behind anything she had set up.

Blake reached up and pulled off her hairbow willingly. Her ears twitched freely in the cold air. She felt somehow naked. As if this were some fundamental violation of everything she had worked towards, everything she pretended to be.

All in the name of actually being herself. Whoever Blake Belladonna really was. The world, especially Weiss, was going to find out. One step at a time.