Since we're all just spiralling after the antics that occurred yesterday...I'll just update earlier than anticipated hahaha. Let's enjoy some sweetness and a little flashback to where this story originally started in "1000 Times". Creeping towards the end of this tale but don't forget there will be a Part 3 down the road too. Happy Weekend!
One month laterTime had continued on despite their grief. But each day, their hearts became a little lighter. They had accepted that there would always be a crack that would never be able to heal. And on the darkest days, they found each other. Tonight she was feeling sad and he could feel it. Lying there in their bed, he reached for her hand. Rolling into him, she pressed her face into his chest. His hand tangled in her hair and he sighed, "I'm right here."
Wrapping her arm around his waist she whispered, "I know."
The room was dark. They had both gotten home late after a long day. They missed putting the kids to sleep. That was always the best part of their day, especially lately. Lying here together, they found comfort and understanding. Olivia moved her hand to press against his chest. The soft thumping of his heart grounded her. Let her know she wasn't alone and never would be.
He was her other half.
Lifting her head, she rested her chin on his chest and focussed her eyes on him as best she could in the dark. Shifting his head on the pillow, he adjusted to look at her. Her gaze was steady and strong. She never turned away but something in her eyes told him she was thinking. They hadn't been intimate since her miscarriage and he didn't want to push her. As much as he missed her, he knew she was healing in more ways than one. Reaching out, she moved her hand from his chest to his face. Her fingers traced the lines on his face that were so familiar to her.
"When I was little…" Her voice surprised him, but he waited and listened, "I used to hide in my room and just wish for someone, something to come and take me away. Especially on the nights when my Mom had been drinking which was most nights. I wanted so desperately to be anywhere but there. To have someone to just hold onto me when I felt like I was drowning. But no one ever came."
Her voice cracked and it hurt him, he grasped her hand in his and turned them slowly so they lay on their sides. Face to face, "Liv…"
"No one ever came. And it got worse. It always got worse. I wanted...I wanted to feel something. Anything other than…" She closed her eyes but a tear still slid down her cheek, "No one ever came."
Leaning forward he pressed a kiss to her forehead, "Liv…"
He felt her clutching his arms, pulling him closer, "But one day...you were there." He softened, but never let go of her, "And you made it better. You took me away from there. You made it stop hurting."
He sighed and cradled her against his chest, "Only now it hurts again…"
She swallowed the lump in her throat and whispered, "It hurts. But I know that you'll always be there to catch me."
He held her, unable to respond. So grateful that after all this time, she finally understood how deep he loved her, "Of course I will."
He felt her shift in his arms, just enough so that she could kiss his jaw, "El."
Her voice sounded like a whisper but he heard her, "I'm here."
Her mouth moved from his jaw to the corner of his lips, "Love me."
Leaning his head back, he looked at her, really looked at her, "Liv?"
Her hand cradled his face, "Love me. Please. Please just love me."
God he wanted her, in every sense of the word but he had to be sure. "Liv...it's okay if-"
"I love you. Please just love me back."
"Liv…" He rolled them over so he hovered above her, "Always. I will always love you."
As he leaned down, she sighed in relief. He was the one thing that could and would always bring her back to life. When his lips touched hers, the last remaining pieces that could be healed began to mend. His touch, his kiss, that was what she would always need. Her hands slid up his bare back and she felt him lean further into her. She knew he was hesitant. Not because he didn't want her. Not because he didn't still love her. But because he didn't want to hurt her.
He kissed her slowly, and it reminded her of their first kiss. The first time he kissed her in his kitchen. Slow and sure. That moment was burned in her brain and would be forever. Much like this moment. He pulled away, just enough to begin a slow trail down her neck, "El…"
His hand slid up the side of her shirt, "Is this okay?"
"Don't stop." She sighed and leaned further into her pillows, "Please don't stop."
Inching her shirt up, he felt her suck in her stomach. Since giving birth to Noah, he knew she had been self conscious. Maybe more so now. But she had no reason to be. She was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and always would. Sliding one hand behind her back, he pulled her forward with one hand. She took the hint and pulled at her shirt, tossing it over her head. Laying her back down, he pressed a kiss to the middle of her chest, her fingers tightened around the back of his neck.
As he moved lower, her breathing got quicker. She felt herself unravelling. Just like she always did in his arms. She had to smile to herself thinking about all those years of wondering. What kind of lover would he be like? She expected him to be rough...and he could be when the time was right. But she had never expected this side of him. This sweet, slow, passionate lover. Boy had she been pleasantly surprised. Especially in these moments when she just needed to be loved.
He breath caught in her throat when she felt him kiss just above the hem of her pajama pants. He stopped then. Looked up at her, asking for permission once again. Just in case she had changed her mind. But she hadn't. "Don't stop."
His eyes never left hers as he kissed her again. His hands began to push down the sides of her pajama pants and he felt her begin to tremble. "I've got you."
"You always do." She whispered softly, "You always do."
He made quick work of the rest of her clothes before settling in between her legs again. She bit back a moan when he pressed a kiss to the apex of her thighs. "El…"
"Shh…" He wrapped his arms under her legs and held onto her hips, "It's alright. Just close your eyes and relax."
She was torn between watching him and doing what he asked. But soon she was overwhelmed with pleasure and couldn't keep her eyes open. Holding his head in one hand, she fisted the sheets beside her with another. It had been so long since he had touched her, since she had let him and now she didn't know how she survived without him. He was the only thing that ever made any sense. Arching her back she focussed on nothing but the feeling of his lips, his tongue, his fingers. Her security, her safety, her heart. He was everything.
The tears came but for the first time in a month it wasn't sadness she felt. It was an overwhelming amount of gratitude, not for what he was doing, though she enjoyed that, but of love. This incredible man that she loved with her whole heart. With every fiber of her being. And when he pushed her over the edge, she cried out for him, desperate for more contact. He moved one hand to hold onto hers and squeezed, letting her know he was right there with her.
As she tried to control her breathing, she felt him begin his ascent upwards, the same way he had lowered himself down. Kissing the side of her face, he smiled down at her, "Okay?"
She let out a little laugh and touched his jaw with her fingers, "More than."
He stared at her for a moment, "Liv, do you want me to-"
She understood what he was asking and she shook her head, "It's okay."
Resting his forehead against hers he whispered, "I just want to make sure…"
"I know. What I said…" She sighed and touched his cheek, "About not wanting to try again. I'm scared. But I also...I want another child El. And with that comes risks. But..."
"But we don't have to make that decision right now." He whispered, "We don't have to...I can…"
He reached for the bedside table and she understood, "Are...are you sure?" They hadn't used them for a long time but part of her did feel she wasn't ready and she was no longer on the pill, "I mean…"
"It's alright." He whispered, "It's alright Liv. Trust me."
And trust him she did. More than anyone. She waited, they both smiled sheepishly and suddenly she felt like a teenager again. Fumbling and trying to figure it all out. Her cheeks flushed and it amazed her that even in the moment of pure love, he could still make her feel young again. Resting his arms on either side of her head he looked down at her, "You okay?"
"I'm okay." She whispered, "I'm okay."
He moved again, slowly, reading every single movement on her face. He sighed when he settled all the way inside of her. Pausing, he let them both just feel. She seemed to understand. Reaching out, she touched his face again and smiled, "I love you."
Elliot leane down and kissed her again, moving his hips again, "I love you."
She opened herself further to him, felt the weight of him pressed against her. His lips found hers but he never stopped moving. Every thrust was slow but powerful and she could feel herself getting lost in him again. Her hands slid under his arms and held him closer. Her nails dug into his shoulders, urging him on. He didn't stop. Couldn't stop. Looking up at him, she smiled and breathed him in, "Elliot."
Holding her face in his hands he smiled back, "Olivia."
Again and again he moved, still oh so slowly but all the while bringing her closer and closer to the brink. She had never felt so connected to him. So understood. So loved. And for the millionth time since meeting him she felt so damn grateful. It felt like hours and it could have been but neither one of them stopped. But when he felt that pull, he searched her eyes, desperate to know she was with him. Her lips parted slightly and she moaned his name, her body tensed but held onto him. Unable to stop the inevitable, he took a deep breath and let go with her. He moved slowly still, not wanting to break the spell. Holding him close, she pushed him slightly so he would roll to the side. She knew his arms were aching. And as much as she didn't want to let go, she knew he'd still be right beside her. Always.
Side by side, they lay there, wrapped in each other's arms. Just breathing. Just being still. Finally, she touched his lips with her finger, "Hi."
Pressing his lips to the pad of her finger he smiled, "Hi."
Holding him closer, she sighed, "We have a good life Elliot."
Her words washed over him and he nodded slowly, "We do."
She took a deep breath and sighed, "No one saved me back then. But you've saved me now. And if I had to go through all that...just to get here with you. I'd do it all again."
He felt a lump form in his throat listening to her, "Really?"
Kissing his cheek she smiled, "There is nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with you. Even on the hard days. I just want to be with you."
Elliot cradled her face and sighed, "I will always be right here beside you. No matter what. That's the one thing you never have to question Liv. Never."
Sighing, she settled against his chest and knew that the days ahead would be brighter.
Later that week, the Stabler household was once again preparing for Halloween at the end of the week. Elliot laughed as Richie came out of the bathroom in his last year's Batman costume, "Mom...it's too short now."
Olivia smiled and urged him closer to her, "Well...I told you to stop growing!"
Richie huffed, "I tried! But it just keeps happening!"
Olivia knelt down in front of him, "I'm sorry bud...but I don't think this is going to be an option."
"You could always go as Detective Stabler again." Elliot said from his spot on the couch, "I personally thought that was a great costume."
Richie smiled at his Dad, "It was pretty awesome. But...I was supposed to go as Batman so that my friends and I could be the whole Justice League."
Olivia stood up again and smiled, "Tell you what, I'll run to the store tomorrow and see if I can get a new one, okay? We can save this one for when Noah is old enough for it. Does that work?"
Richie smiled up at his Mom, "Really? Yes! Please!"
She smiled and bent down to kiss the top of his head, "Go take this one off. I'll figure it out. You need to go finish your homework too. Dinner will be ready soon."
"Thanks Mom." Richie squeezed her tight and then ran towards the bathroom.
Olivia walked back into the kitchen and checked on what was in the oven, "Hey, did you remember to fill out those forms for Kathleen's field trip?" She asked.
Elliot was tickling Noah but he turned to her and smiled, "Yeah. I put it in her folder and back in her backpack so she didn't lose it."
"Okay." She took out the pan from the oven and sighed, "I have to bring Noah in for his ten month appointment tomorrow at 3. I told Cragen I'd work half a day."
"I'm sorry I can't go." He said with a sigh, "But I have court."
"I know. It's okay. We'll be fine." She smiled and reached for her some plates, "Can you call the kids?"
"Sure." Picking up Noah, he kissed his head and brought him over to his height chair and settled him down before walking to the steps, "Dinner!"
"Coming Dad!" Maureen called from upstairs.
Walking into the kitchen, Elliot reached for silverware and started to help Olivia set the table. "Where's Scout?"
Olivia laughed, "Do you really have to ask?"
Elliot huffed, "I had one rule. No dog upstairs. And it's broken every damn day."
Olivia brought the food to the table and shrugged, "You have to admit he's well behaved. We've had no issues."
Elliot sighed as he looked over and saw the four kids and Scout coming down the stairs, "Yeah. yeah…"
"Kathleen, it's your turn to feed Scout." Olivia said, walking past her husband.
"On it." Kathleen walked to the pantry and pulled out the dog's food bucket, "Come on Scout."
"And no feeding him from the table tonight." Elliot said as he settled into his chair.
"Says the man who bought him a hamburger yesterday." Maureen replied with an eyeroll.
Elliot shot her a look and Olivia sat across from him, "She makes a good point El."
He settled his forearms on the table and sighed, "I told you they gave me an extra burger."
"Dad, I was in the car. You ordered it." Richie said looking at him, "Lying isn't nice."
"Yeah Dad. Lying isn't nice." Olivia said with a smirk on her face, "Besides, I saw the receipt."
The kids all laughed and Elliot huffed as Scout walked over to him and rested his head on his knee. Looking down he sighed, "Well how am I supposed to say no to that face?"
"You don't. Just like you never say no to Mom." Kathleen said reaching for the basket of rolls, "It's okay Dad. We know you're strong. About most things anyway."
More laughter rolled across the table and Elliot wanted to be angry. But, as he looked at his family all he could think was, it' s all worth it. Even the bad days, if I can have this, it's worth it.
On Halloween night, Bernie stayed at their house to hand out candy. Elliot and Olivia both wanted to go out with the kids. Olivia had Noah in a carrier, he was currently fast asleep dressed as a pumpkin. Elliot smiled at his youngest son and watched the way that Olivia watched their older kids but rubbed Noah's back. Maureen came running to them and smiled as innocently as she could, "Hey Dad?"
Elliot looked down at her, knowing it was probably the last year she would agree to even trick or treat, "Yeah?"
She pointed to her friends in the distance, "Is it okay if I go with my friends? Mr. Murray is taking them. He said he'd drop me off at home after."
Elliot took a deep breath and looked over at his daughter's friends. He trusted them, trusted Mr. Murray. The cop in him always made him hesitant. Always made him second guess everything. The Father in him made him worry and right now it made him grieve the loss of his young child now growing into a teenager. He felt Olivia press a hand into his back which made him realize he needed to answer. He could say no. He knew he could. But...it was time. As much as it killed him. It was time to start letting her go, just a little bit.
He raised a hand and waved to Mr. Murray, "Okay. But you need to be back by 9."
Maureen's face lit up and she reached out and hugged him tight, "Thanks Dad. I love you."
He kissed the top of her head and sighed as she pulled away, "I love you too. Don't eat any candy until I go through it!"
Olivia smiled and linked her arm with his, resting her chin on his shoulder, "I know that was hard for you."
He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, watching Maureen walk farther and farther away, "I'm not ready."
She kissed his shoulder and smiled sadly, "I don't you ever will be El. How could you be?"
"Thirteen." He sighed and shook his head, "She's thirteen and I just don't understand how. I was a kid myself when she was born...scared shitless. And now look at her running off without me."
Olivia watched him watching their oldest and her love for him as a Father grew immensely. He was so damn good to his children. Their children. God she hoped they could have one more. Just one more. Noah stirred in her arms and she looked down, "Hey little man, you okay?"
Elliot turned to his son who yawned and pressed his tired face into his Mother's chest, "Hey kid, don't grow up too fast, okay?"
Noah blinked up at his Dad, his mouth opened slightly and Olivia smiled, "He already is."
Richie, Lizzie and Kathleen ran back to their parents after hitting up two houses ahead of them, "Dad! Look!" Richie opened his bag, "I'm already almost full!"
Elliot chuckled and ruffled his hair, "Nice Batman!"
They started walking down the street again and Richie looked up at his Dad, "Hey Dad?"
Elliot heard Olivai talking to the girls and he looked down at his son, "Yeah bud?"
"Is it okay that I was Batman this year?" Elliot gave him a confused look, "I mean...is it okay that I wasn't you again?"
Elliot stopped walking, Richie froze with him. Olivia and the girls didn't notice until they were a few steps ahead of them. Olivia stopped, but gave them their space. She watched Elliot kneel in front of their son. Elliot reached out and touched his son's shoulder. "Of course it is. Why do you ask?"
Richie shrugged nervously and looked down, "I don't know. I just...I didn't want you to think that I like Batman better than you now. Because I don't. I still think you're the best Superhero."
Elliot smiled and felt grateful that a year later, his son still loved him enough to admit that. Wasn't too afraid to look bad in front of his friends, wasn't afraid to show he cared. They were all growing up, but he still had time left. "Yeah? Well...I appreciate you saying that. But I'm only half as good as I am because of my sidekick. Every superhero has a sidekick."
Richie smiled, "Mommy's yours."
Elliot looked behind him and smiled, "She is." He kissed Richie's head and squeezed his shoulder, "Come on buddy. We still have plenty of houses to hit up."
The two of them started walking again and quickly caught up with the girls and Noah. The kids ran off towards the next house and Olivia looked at her husband, "Everything okay?"
Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulder and smiled, "Yeah. I've still got a few kids who need me. I'll be alright."
She smiled and wrapped her arm around his waist, giving him a little squeeze, "They'll always need you El. It just might be in different ways. But they'll always need you." She leaned up and kissed his cheek, "And so will I."
He pulled her closer and sighed, "We've got a good life Liv."
They watched the three kids approaching the house, giggling and enjoying themselves. She felt Noah pressed against her, Elliot holding and she smiled. "A damn good life."
The day before Thanksgiving, Olivia and Elliot were at the Precinct trying to wrap up the day so they could enjoy their Holiday with the kids. Bernie had picked up Noah at daycare and dropped him off before she would be returning to her house. She was going to join them in the morning for the day. Noah's car seat was sitting on Fin's desk as John and Fin talked to him.
"Say, Munch." John said, tickling his stomach, "Say Munch Noah. I know you can do it. Say Munch."
Olivia looked at her husband and growled, "If Noah's first word is Munch and Not Momma. I'm killing him."
Elliot chuckled, "Noted." He turned and saw Casey walking in, "Hey Counselor."
Things had improved for all of them since Casey had been there to help Olivia. In the weeks after, Olivia and Casey had become even closer. Bonding over their shared experiences. Casey on her own had softened and become easier to work with for everyone.
Casey smiled and walked over to Noah, "He's getting so big."
"He'll be a year old in just over a month. I can't believe it." Olivia said with a sigh.
"Say Munch." John said again, "Munch, Munch, Munch."
Casey laughed at her coworker, "Really playing with fire there my friend. Liv will kill you if he says your name first."
"Big Thanksgiving plans?" Fin asked Casey, "First Holiday in the city."
Casey smiled sadly, "No. My parents are going to London to see my sister. But I'll be here."
Olivia looked over at her, she knew it was also her first year without Charlie. Fin nodded, "I'll be here working."
Munch shrugged, "I'm going to see my Brother and his family."
Casey looked over at Olivia, "You guys doing a big dinner?"
Elliot smiled and nodded, "My Mom cooks every year. It's the best. The kids love it."
Casey smiled, but Olivia saw the sadness in her eyes, "That's nice."
"Hey El?" Olivia pointed towards the coffee, "Can you come help me with something?"
Elliot nodded and quickly stood up, he looked back at his son and his friends fawning over him. Walking towards one of the filing cabinets he put his hand on his wife's back, "What's up?"
Olivia looked at him and frowned, "Can we invite Casey over for Thanksgiving?"
Elliot looked at Casey and shrugged, "You want too?"
She sighed and put her hand on his arm, "She'll be alone. And...I know what that's like." He turned back to her and her cheeks flushed, "Before you...I was alone for pretty much every Holiday. Or here so you could be with the kids."
He swallowed the lump in his throat, thinking about all the years she had truly been on her own. Had he not seen it? Or did he know and not know what to do? It was hard to remember life before her. Hard to remember life prior to their marriage, prior to her coming to help him when Kathy left. He looked at Casey again, imagined what it was like to be alone and he knew he couldn't say no. Didn't want to say no. "Of course she can come."
Leaning up, she kissed his cheek and smiled, "Thank you." She looked at her and sighed, "She may say no...but I want to just put it out there. She's been a great help the last few months."
"I agree." He squeezed her hand and nodded, "She's more than welcome."
Looking at her friends again she smiled, "Okay. Do me a favor and go intervene with our son and his Uncles. I really will kill him if his first word is Munch."
He laughed and walked away, whispering to Casey he stood with the guys and Noah and Casey joined Olivia, "Everything okay?"
Olivia smiled, "Everything's fine. I was just looking for a file on an old case Elliot and I worked on. Can't find it though." She closed the drawer and smiled, "Anyway, I was wondering. Do you want to come over tomorrow?" She saw Casey flinch and she knew that feeling of embarrassment, she'd had it for years even though she knew it wasn't necessary. But it was a matter of pride, "No pressure or anything. But Bernie always makes way more food than necessary. I mean it's loud...and chaotic. But it's also fun. And we'll just...be there." She shrugged, "So I just wanted to ask.
Casey looked down, "Olivia, I appreciate it but…"
"Look, let's just do this." Olivia smiled, "You know where we live. If you want to come...come. If not, that's fine too. You don't have to tell me yes or no. There will be a spot for you. We will probably eat around 3. The kids and Elliot usually play football before dinner...it's relaxed You can do whatever you want to do. Okay?"
Casey looked up and smiled shyly, "Okay."
"Great." Olivia squeezed her arm and started to walk away, "Oh, and don't bring anything! We have plenty. You like white wine, right?" Casey nodded, "Perfect."
Casey watched her walk away, grateful that despite a bumpy road, they had been able to forge a friendship, "Olivia." Liv turned around and smiled, "Thank you."
Olivia smiled and nodded once watching her friend say a quick goodbye to the guys. She took a deep breath and walked back over to them. Elliot smiled at her, "Everything okay?" He whispered.
She squeezed his arm, "Yeah. She said she may drop by. We'll see." Turning back to her son she beamed down at him as he flailed his little legs upon seeing her, "Hi baby."
Noah gurgled up at her, "Mmm"
Everyone stood still, "Is he trying to say something?"
"Mmmm." Noah flailed his legs again and giggled.
"Don't do it little man. Please don't do it." Elliot leaned in, "Momma. Say Momma."
"Mmmmunch!" Noah mumbled.
Olivia's head snapped up and she smacked John hard on the arm, "John!"
John put his hands up in defense, "I didn't think he'd actually do it!"
Olivia looked down at her son, "Come on buddy. Say Momma. Please? Say Momma!" Noah just looked up at her and blinked, she looked over at her husband, "Elliot…"
Elliot hung his head, "I'm going to kill you John."
Fin started laughing and shoved his friend back, "Man, you better start running now."
John looked between Elliot and Olivia, "Guys…"
"I didn't kill you the night she gave birth because I was a little busy. Today...you better run." Elliot said, glancing at him.
John started backing away, "It was a joke! I'm old! Don't come after me."
"One." Elliot held up his fingers, "Start moving buddy."
John looked at Olivia helpless, "Liv, I'm sorry."
Picking up her son she turned away, "You're on my shit list now. Don't look at me to save you."
Elliot lifted another finger, "Two." John turned and ran out of the room, Elliot turned to his wife, "Be right back."
Olivia smiled, "Don't actually cause him harm. But...ya know scare him a bit."
Elliot winked right back, "Three!"
Olivia smiled as she rocked Noah, "God I love that man."
Fin chuckled, "And he loves you." He put his hand on Noah's head, "I'm still number one, right?"
Olivia smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek, "Always." When she pulled away she smiled, "I know you're working, but if you happen to get out early, you know there is always a spot for you at our table."
Fin's face flushed but he nodded, "I know. Thanks Liv." He reached out and squeezed her arm, "Hey...you seem, good. Lighter than you have in awhile."
Olivia had not shared with him what had really happened, but holding Noah she felt compelled to, "I'm...better. Not sure I'll ever be 100% but I'm better." She pressed a kiss to Noah's head and looked at her partner, "A few months ago...I had a miscarriage. It was all really...unexpected."
Fin's face fell, "Liv...I'm...I'm so sorry. That's not good enough to...I mean I-"
"It's okay. There's nothing you can say." She reached out and squeezed his hand, "We're dealing with it. It was just too hard to talk about it."
Fin sighed and looked down at Noah, "You've done a hell of a job keeping it all together. I can't imagine."
Olivia smiled and thought of Elliot, "Well...I didn't have to do it alone."
Fin watched her carefully, "Liv…"
She squeezed her eyes tight and shook her head, "It's okay. I mean no it's not. But...I'm grateful. For all I do have. And for now...that's enough."
Elliot walked back into the squad room then, breathing heavy, "Okay. Got him." Olivia turned to him, and he saw unshed tears in her eyes, "Liv...are you that upset about-"
"No." She smiled and shook her head, "No. I'm good." He gave her a skeptical look but she smiled, "I swear."
Elliot looked at Fin, and something in Fin's eyes made him think he knew. Elliot took a deep breath, "Oh."
Fin put his hand on his shoulder, "Thanks for taking such good care of my partner."
Elliot swallowed hard, "She makes it easy."
John came back into the room, holding his arm tight against his chest. Fin chuckled at his old partner, "It's your own damn fault man."
John took a deep breath and looked at Olivia, "Olivia, I'm very sorry for what I did. I promise when your next kid comes I'll let his or her first word be-" Everyone froze for a moment and John's face flushed, "Oh no...am I getting hit again?"
"No." Olivia said with a smile, "No John. You aren't." She cleared her throat and looked at Noah, "We were just...talking about something and...and we haven't told you but-well we...a few months ago..."
John stood up straighter and suddenly he knew. He didn't need her to finish her sentence. It all made sense. "Liv. I...I didn't know. I'm such a jerk. I'm so sorry."
She shook her head and reached for him, "Of course you didn't. How could you have known? It's alright." All three of them were looking at her and she had to look up, away from them, "Guys, stop. It's okay. I'm...I'm okay." She looked back at Elliot, "We're okay." She kissed Noah's head, "Isn't that right baby?"
Noah nuzzled closer to her, "Mmmm…" They all waited, holding their breath, "Mama."
Tears sprung up in Olivia's eyes and she gasped, "Oh my God."
Munch let out a little sigh of relief, "Thank God."
"I still hate you." She said, shooting him a look through her tears, "But right now, I'm letting it go." She pressed her lips to her son's head, "I love you sweet boy."
All three of them looked at her, holding Noah. Knowing what she was thinking, what she was feeling. And they all thought the same thing, please let her have this again. No one deserves it more.
The next day, Elliot was outside playing football with the kids. Olivia was helping Bernie in the kitchen while Noah napped. She could hear the laughter coming from outside as Elliot rattled off plays. Every so often, her head turned to the window to watch them. She felt grateful. So damn grateful for this family.
Bernie walked by her and smiled. "You're smiling."
Olivia's cheeks flushed, "I am?"
Bernie reached out and squeezed her hand, "It's a good thing sweetie. It's good to see you smile."
A knock on the door pulled Olivia from her moment, reaching for a towel she dried off her hands, "I'll be right back."
As she walked to the door, she thought of everything that happened in the last year. Elliot's accident, losing his sight. Being pregnant with Noah. Giving Birth to Noah at the precinct. Dick Finley. The loss of their child. It had been full of some of her highest highs and lowest lows. But all the while, she had her husband. Her pillar of strength. She was still here.
Opening the door, she smiled. She also had a new friend. "Casey."
Casey stood there anxiously, and lifted a plate, "I know you said not to bring anything but...I made some brownies. Nothing special."
Olivia smiled and reached for the plate, "The kids love brownies! And I do too. Thank you. I'm so glad you're here."
Casey looked past her, bit her lip and hesitated, "I just...I mean are you sure it's okay? I'm not family…"
Olivia placed the brownies down on the table beside the door. Reaching for her coat on the hook behind her, she slipped her arms in and stepped outside, "Casey, family isn't always blood. I have learned that in the last few years. Trust me."
Casey fidgeted anxiously, "Charlie loved Thanksgiving. He went all out. Cooked for hours. He called...this morning. And I just wanted…" Tears sprang in her eyes, "I miss him."
Olivia held her hand out, Casey took it slowly and squeezed, "I know you do."
Casey took a deep breath, "Your parents aren't here?"
Olivia shook her head, "My Mom is...gone. I lost her a few years ago. And my Father...well I never met him and I hope I never do. For his sake and mine." Casey gave her a strange look, "My Mother was raped. And I'm the product of that rape…" Casey's eyes went wide, "Before Elliot and the kids, family was something I had never known. Something that didn't exist in my universe. I was lost. Totally and completely alone. I know what you're feeling. And I hated it when people said I wasn't...but I'm going to say it now. You're not alone Casey. Not if you don't want to be."
Casey squeezed her hand again, "I don't want to be."
"Good. Then you came to the right place." She tugged her towards the house, "I hope you're hungry. Bernie cooked enough for about 30 people."
Stepping into the house, Casey felt her shoulders relax for the first time in months, "It smells great in here."
The back door opened and Elliot came tumbling in surrounded by the kids. Richie was hanging off his back and Lizzie was holding onto his feet, "Help! I'm being attacked by children!"
Scout flew through their legs, Kathleen and Maureen ran in behind him. The room was loud and chaotic. Olivia turned to her friend and smiled, "Still want to stay?"
Casey laughed and looked around, "Definitely. What can I do to help?"
Olivia looked up and saw Elliot watching her from the living room with the kids. He gave her a wink and she sighed, yeah, she was damn grateful.
Later that night, the kids were curled up in the living room watching a movie with Bernie and Scout. Olivia, Elliot and Casey sat around the table each having a glass of wine. The dishes had been cleared, the chaos for now had been tampered. At least for now.
Elliot rolled his head back and forth, "So, at what point do we expect Richie to start asking about if he's on the naughty or nice list? Tomorrow morning?"
Olivia laughed and shook her head, "Please, he already asked while you were upstairs changing Noah."
Elliot smirked and took a sip of his wine, "Should have known."
"It will be Noah's first Christmas, right?" Casey asked as she swirled her wine, "He was born right after?"
Olivia nodded, "Yep. His first Christmas. Last year was a bit of a blur." She laughed, "He won't remember this one of course. But I will."
"The other kids are so good with him." Casey said with a smile, "It wasn't a hard transition?"
Elliot shook his head, "Not really. I mean they all had their moments when they worried that things would change. That we would feel differently. That Liv would feel differently...but they know that's not the case. All five of them are ours. Completely."
Casey looked at Olivia, "Most women wouldn't have been so able to just take on four kids."
Olivia smiled, "I won't pretend I wasn't terrified. That I didn't worry about completely screwing something up. I still feel that way 90% of the time. But...I love them. I tried to pretend I didn't...but I did. And I always will."
"Their biological Mom just never showed up again?" Casey asked curiously.
"Oh she showed up." Olivia rolled her eyes, "And if she ever does again…" She smirked and shrugged, "She's not getting away so easily next time."
Casey chuckled, "Oh, so what did I just step into?"
"Nothing." Olivia sighed and put her drink down, "She just...was in the city and I ran into her with Kathleen and Maureen. She upset them...and Kathleen took off and got hurt. If I had time to actually process anything other than that...I probably would have kicked her ass."
"And in the process Olivia got hurt trying to protect the girls. Though she likes to leave that part out." He said with an eye roll.
Casey smiled, "You really do love them."
Olivia pulled a leg up onto the chair and rested her chin on her knee, "Someday, they might want to know her. She gave birth to them. I'd want to know. I hate my Father but it didn't mean that I didn't spend time looking for him."
Elliot reached across the table and squeezed her arm, "You're their Mother. And you always will be."
She smiled and put her hand over his, "I know that. You know I do. But it is what it is El. And I promised to support any decision they made."
He smiled gently at her, "And you don't make promises you can't keep."
Her face softened and she nodded, remembering what she had told the kids when she first started dating Elliot, "Exactly."
A sleepy Lizzie walked into the room and yawned, "Mom?"
Olivia put her leg down and Lizzie crawled into her lap, "Yeah? You okay?"
Lizzie sighed and leaned against her shoulder, "I'm tired."
Olivia smiled and gave her a squeeze, "Ready for bed?"
Lizzie nodded, "Will you take me up?"
"Sure." She dropped a kiss to the top of her head, "Say goodbye to Casey."
Lizzie hopped down from Olivia's lap and looked at Casey, she smiled and leaned in to hug her, "Bye Casey. I'm glad you came over for Thanksgiving."
Casey's face flushed and hugged her back, "I'm glad I came too."
Lizzie pulled away and walked over to her Dad, "Night Daddy."
Elliot squeezed her tight and kissed her cheek, "Night baby. Love you."
Olivia looked at Casey, "Do you want to stay?"
Casey stood up and shook her head, "No. I should head home. Thanks for tonight though. It was...it meant a lot."
Olivia smiled and hugged her, "You're always welcome here. Night."
Casey watched her go. Olivia took Lizzie's hand and walked her towards the stairs and she smiled. Maybe someday she could have that too. Maybe someday…
Elliot stood up and called out to his kids, "Thirty more minutes Richie and Kathleen." He pointed towards the door, "I'll walk you out."
Casey smiled and walked towards the door, Elliot grabbed her coat and helped her put it on. "Thanks."
Elliot opened the door and they stepped outside, "Getting cold. Wonder if we'll get snow soon."
Casey walked towards her car, "Never did like snow…"
Elliot chuckled, 'Then you're living in the wrong place." He looked at her carefully, 'You good to drive?"
"Yeah. I'm good. Thanks." She paused and reached for her keys in her pocket, "Listen Elliot...I know when I first got here I wasn't the nicest person. That I gave you a hard time. And I just want to say-"
He shook his head and smiled, "You don't have to say anything Casey. Nothing at all."
Casey took a deep breath and looked at the house, "You two got really lucky. You know that?"
"Trust me when I say, everyday I wake up to her, I think I'm living some sort of dream. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for her to realize she could do better. But as long as she wants me...I'll be right here. And even if she didn't want me…" He laughed, "I'd probably still follow her around like a lost damn puppy."
Casey smiled, "You really do love her."
He laughed again and nodded, "More than she'll ever know."
They stared at each other for a minute, and then she whispered, "You know...what you went through...sometimes people forget that the Father feels pain too."
Elliot cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, "We wouldn't have been able to get through it without your help. I know it wasn't easy for you to talk about things with her...but I appreciate it. You helped her in a way I couldn't."
"And who helped you?" Casey asked softly.
He smiled and shrugged, "My kids. And Olivia. Always Olivia."
Casey nodded, "You'll be okay."
Elliot looked back at the house and nodded, "Yeah we will." Casey turned to her car and he whispered back to her, "And so will you." Casey paused and looked at him, "You're always welcome here Casey. Always."
"Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving Elliot." He watched her climb into the car and waited until she drove away.
Turning back to the house, he took a deep breath. Let it all sink in. Thought about his life. Olivia was right, despite the ups and downs, it was a damn good life. Walking back into the house, he checked on the kids and his Mom. Then walked upstairs, wanting to steal a moment away with his wife. Standing outside Lizzie and Kathleen's bedroom he listened to Olivia talking to Lizzie. And he remembered something...that night that he knew started it all. When the twins were sick and he was alone. Only...he had never been alone. Not since the day she walked into his life.
Flashback to 1000 Times He watched her walk away and he called out, "Lizzie asked for you earlier you know…" She paused at the base of the stairs and looked at him, he saw the shock in her eyes and he smiled, "Like I said...they love you. How could they not?" She felt her cheeks blushing again and she smiled, then tiptoed up the stairs. Her heart was hammering away in her chest as she walked towards the twins room. Looking in, she saw Richie was still fast asleep. She smiled at the young boy then made her way towards Lizzie's bed and saw that she was sitting up, clutching her favorite blanket.
After a moment, a cry echoed from the baby monitor and the spell was broken. Elliot jumped up off the stool to go upstairs but she rounded the counter quicker than him. "Sit. Eat. I've got it…"
"Hey Lizzie lou…" She said sitting on the bed beside her, "You okay?" Lizzie sniffled and looked up at Olivia, "Livvie?" Olivia smiled and opened her arms to her, "Yeah…" Lizzie smiled sleepily and fell into her embrace, "I knew you'd come…" Olivia's heart jumped again as she felt the weight of the young girl settle into her chest. She lifted a hand and ran it through her soft blonde curls and felt Lizzie settle further into her embrace. Her breathing started to even out again and she once again thought about how any Mother could abandon their child. She hadn't given much thought to be being a mother...never thought she'd be good at it. But sitting here with Lizzie in her arms...she knew she wanted it. She wanted it more than she could begin to explain. Tears prickled in her eyes and she wondered if she could have it. Could she balance a job like being a Detective and being a Mom? She'd of course have to find a partner first...not that there was much time for dating. And then her thoughts traveled back to her partner...her work partner. And in that moment she sensed him. Looking up, she saw him leaning against the doorframe, the hall light illuminating his silhouette and she forgot how to breathe. He was smiling at her, in a way that she had never seen before. And she wondered...what it all meant. Could they be more than friends? More than Partners? Could they be a family? Would he want that? Kathy had not only abandoned her children...but Elliot too. He didn't talk about her much only to utter the occasional frustrated remark about the impact on the kids. But she wondered if he even wanted to get married again someday. And if he did...would he want more kids? She took a deep breath as Lizzie snuggled further into her and whispered, "I love you Livvie…" Her eyes never left Elliot's and she saw him look down, that small smile still plastered on his lips. She hadn't said those words to many people in her life...her Mother a handful of times. Maybe to her college friends. And once...to a boy thought she'd marry when she was 17. But she hadn't meant it. And she always vowed that if and when she did say it to a man...she'd mean it. She saw Elliot lift his head again and watched the way he swallowed hard when he looked at her. She felt a shiver run through her body and she wanted to say something to him. But now wasn't the time. His eyes darted towards Richie to check that he was still sleeping, then he looked at Olivia, mouthed the words, "Thank you." Then turned and walked out of the room again. She smiled to herself and began to hum softly to Lizzie thinking...if she could get out of her own head for a day...this wouldn't be such a bad life after all…
Standing outside the bedroom, he waited, and listened to Olivia saying goodnight to their daughter. Their daughter. Even before the adoption, she had been their daughter. It was always Olivia. And always would be.
When she stepped out of the room, she smiled up at him, "Hey. Everything okay?"
He pulled her to the side, pressed her against the wall and kissed her. Her breath caught in her throat but she held onto his arms and leaned into the kiss. It lasted for only a moment, but when he pulled away, she was still surprised "El?"
He smiled and brushed the hair away from her face, "Do you remember that night...when the twins were sick. And you just...showed up. I mean you'd done it a million times before. But that time...you had been away with your friends. And Lizzie started crying...you went upstairs and-"
"I remember." She squeezed his arm and smiled, "Why are you-"
His hand framed her face and he sighed, "You have no idea how badly I wanted to kiss you that night. How much I wanted to tell you…"
Her heart hammered away in her chest. All these years later and he still made her weak in the knees. Still made her fall back into that woman he had met at the squad room. Made her remember what it was like to fall head over heels in love because even after all this time, she was still falling, "Trust me when I say the feeling is mutual."
He sighed and shook his head, "I saw you...sitting there with Lizzie. I was exhausted. She had been so sick and she wanted you...only you. And you were there. Even when I didn't ask you to be. You were always there. Right there."
Her hands slid up his chest and she wrapped her arms around his neck, "El…"
"Sometimes I wonder how we got here. Sometimes I wonder if it's real. Because it doesn't seem possible that you'd want to be here with me."
She silenced him with a kiss, "I always wanted to be here with you. I wanted it then, and I want it even more now."
Resting his forehead against hers he smiled, "Always will?"
Her fingers caressed the back of his neck and she smiled, "You never have to question it. No matter what this life throws at us...I'm going to be right there."
Pulling her closer he whispered, "The thing I am most thankful for today and everyday...is you."
"El? You have no idea." She kissed him softly, "No idea how thankful I am for you and those four kids. I don't know where the hell I'd have ended up if…" She sighed, "Everyday I'm thankful. Even on the hard days."
Standing there together, they knew that whatever came next? They'd be okay. Because they would always have each other.