Chapter 12: Confessions
January 4th, 2003
Erin yawned as she walked down the street. It was like almost 11 and yet she was still exhausted.
Would the jet lag ever not kick her ass?
They flew in last night, however she didn't sleep too well.
The plane back wasn't as bad as the ride there. The tension between Jirou and Hatori finally eased.
However, even with the tension between them gone… Hatori still wasn't back to his old self. Something was still eating away at him. She could feel it.
She wanted to help him.
Help him like he always helped her all these years.
She just… She just didn't know how.
Hatori was her rock. Her safe person. He was the responsible one, the reliable one. When everything in the world seemed to be crashing around her, she could look to him and he would anchor her.
Something she realized she heavily depended on, and definitely took for granted.
When he wasn't… Well when he was upset like this… Not himself… It unsettled her. And she had no idea how to get him back.
She had been thinking for days. Thinking of what she could've done to bother him. What she could possibly do to fix everything.
She just wanted him back.
Back to how he was.
But no matter how hard she tried, it felt like he was slipping farther and farther away.
She thought of him leaving that day… She could still hear her cries… Feel the rain pouring down on her as she watched the most important person in her life simply disappear.
Her insides twisted from the thoughts.
Erin. Get it together. Don't think of that. It was so long ago. Hatori promised he would never leave you again. You know you can believe him.
She took a breath and held it. Maybe she could bring this up at her therapy appointment next week. Her therapist usually could help her work through issues.
His mood was obviously her fault. It had to be. There was no other reason. He had gotten distant with her.
She thought of their wedding in a few months.
What if he was starting to have second thoughts?
Of course she wouldn't be surprised. She knew she never deserved him. He deserved so much better than her.
She knew this.
However, the thought of losing him made her feel sick. She didn't want anyone else to have him. He was hers, and she was his.
Right?
She glanced at her ring.
"Are you sure this is what you really want? I-I can't be what you want."
"I've never been more sure my entire life."
She frowned at the memory. Those were his words. So why was he acting like this?
I almost angered her.
The situation was just frustrating. Especially when it went on and on and she couldn't fix it, no matter what she did.
She took a deep breath.
Relax. She just needed to stay calm. Getting upset or anxious wouldn't help the situation. She would figure something out.
She flipped open her phone to see if he texted her.
No surprise, there was none.
Hatori had been held up in his office since they got back. He claimed he had lots of things he had to do given the clinic was so busy as of late.
She had seen the way he was working. She knew when he threw himself that deeply into his files, he would most definitely be working all day.
She sighed at the thought.
So much for getting him to relax.
It was Saturday. Usually on Saturdays she would see Jirou. However, she just spent all that time with him in New York. So that left her with no Saturday plans.
Whether it was out of boredom or just a desperate want to help him, regardless of how, she asked him if she could do anything to help.
He seemed hesitant at first. However, he then remembered Kazu had a file he needed at his apartment.
"If you wouldn't mind getting it for me?" He had asked.
Of course she said she would. He asked so little of her. The least she could do was a small errand.
Which was what brought her to now, walking down the street, looking for the right apartment building.
It was childish to think or hope this would change anything. She knew doing a remedial errand wouldn't actually help him what was really bothering him.
Unless she really was what was bothering him. If that was the case… Well then her being out for a bit actually would help him.
That's probably why he wanted you to get it. He probably doesn't need the file.
She tried to push the thought from her head as she walked into the apartment building.
She looked around anxiously as she headed to the stairs.
She'd never actually been to Kazu's place before. It seemed like a nice apartment building. However, that didn't erase her nerves.
She didn't like going to new places all alone.
Of course it was only Kazu's place. He was hardly a stranger. Kazu was part of her family.
Kazu was who Hatori trusted the most. One of his closest friends. He was also her friend.
She trusted him as well. He had always been nice to her. She didn't know why… But he was. He always tried to make her happy and laugh.
An idea occurred to her. She could always ask Kazu about Hatori. He was with him pretty much all day everyday. Maybe he noticed how down Hatori had been lately.
Maybe he knew a way to cheer him up.
It seemed like a complete last ditch effort.
But she was desperate.
She wanted Hatori back… Back to normal. Maybe Kazu could help.
If there was anyone who knew Hatori it was him.
She looked down at the piece of paper in her hands to confirm the number of the apartment.
She shuffled her weight awkwardly as she stood outside the door.
She should just knock. Why was she hesitating?
She was 21 years old now. She wasn't 18 anymore. She couldn't keep getting stupidly nervous in situations like this.
It's Kazu. Just knock.
She went to knock, but the door opened before she could knock.
Her eyes widened and she stepped back. "Kazu, I'm sorry I just-" However she stopped when she realized it wasn't Kazu in the doorway.
It was a girl.
Well girl probably wasn't the right word. She seemed a little older than her.
She seemed like she had just woken up. And she was leaving.
The girl gave her a dirty look. "Who are you?" She asked.
Erin blinked as she tried to process what she was asking. "Um… Erin." She said, looking at the paper to make sure she got the right address. "I'm sorry… Maybe I have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for Hirokazu… But maybe-"
"He has a girlfriend?! I knew it! Asshole." She said, her eyes finding the ring on her finger. She scoffed. "He's engaged?! Honey, I hate to break it to you but your fiancé is a dirty cheater." She said, shutting the door behind her. She said, looking at her up and down. "Then again, I guess I can see why he is." She said before walking off.
Erin frowned. What did that mean?
Kazu obviously wasn't her fiancé. However, that girl thought she was. And she obviously didn't think highly of her.
I can see why he is.
Was she saying that she was that undesirable looking that it would be understandable that someone would cheat on her?
Tears stung at her eyes as she walked in.
She just needed the file… Then she could bring it to Hatori…
Hatori who didn't want anything to do with her…
Because she was completely undesirable. Not worth anything.
"Kazu?" She called, however her voice was cracking as she held back tears.
She looked around the apartment. It wasn't anything special. It was nice but there weren't many decorations.
"Kazu?" She tried again, walking farther in.
It was fairly clean. A little cluttered in some spots. He also had a lot of books lying around. Nothing seemed to be in any particular order.
She walked up to a slightly opened door. She peeked inside to see Kazu fast asleep in bed. His blankets were tangled around him. His glasses rested on his nightstand, and his mess of light brown hair clung to his face.
"Kazu." She asked, walking up to his bed.
She didn't want to wake him, but who knows when he would get up.
She poked him lightly. "Kazu?"
His green eyes opened sleepily as he stretched. He looked up at her briefly before closing his eyes and mumbling something.
"Kazu wake up." She said poking him again.
He made a face. "Look sweetheart I don't know if this is your first hookup, but usually you just see yourself out." He said before finally opening his eyes. His gaze found her standing over him, still holding the piece of paper to her chest.
He blinked once before his face turned red. "Erin?!" He said sitting up quickly.
He grabbed the blankets and pulled them up. He rubbed his eyes. He wasn't dreaming right?
"What are you doing here?" He asked, putting on his glasses.
"I-I'm… It's…" She stuttered, nervously crinkling the paper. Tears began to fall down her face.
His eyes widened at the sight. She was crying? Why was she crying?
Why was she here?
Flashes of his mother's face after she got that phone call form Yui's dad years ago came back to him.
Fear flooded him.
"Is everything alright?" He asked getting out of bed quickly.
She looked up at him. "Yeah. I'm sorry… I just… Hatori sent me here to pick up a file. He needed it." She cried.
Relief washed over him.
However, she was still crying. Something he definitely didn't want to see.
"Hey, no need to cry over a file little miss." He said, tousling her hair. "Come on, I'll make you some tea." He said, grabbing her wrist and leading her to the kotatsu.
He watched her rest her head on the low table, as she wiped the tears from her face.
"I didn't even know you guys came back already." He said, pulling out the cups.
"We flew in yesterday." She said, rubbing her eyes.
"Nice trip?" He asked, pouring the tea.
She shrugged.
He placed the cup in front of her. "Alright what's wrong? I can't stand seeing you upset. If it's what I said, I'm really sorry I thought you were… Someone else." He said, sitting next to her.
She looked up at him. "You mean the girl sneaking out as I came?"
He gave a dry laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah."
She rested her head back on the table. "Yeah well I hope she wasn't your girlfriend."
At that he laughed. "Uh oh, you don't approve?"
"Would it matter if I didn't?" She asked.
"Actually yeah, it would." He said plainly.
"Okay, well you could do better. And she thought I was your fiancé and that you were a dirty cheater… So I wouldn't expect a call back." She said.
His face lit up in surprise. "Wait. She actually thought that? That's hilarious."
She frowned as he laughed.
"Yeah I get it. Who would want to be with me?" She sighed.
A joke…
It was a joke that Hatori was with her.
He gave her a look. "That's not what I meant at all. I actually think it's funny that she thinks if I was engaged to someone like you that I would be sleeping around with people like her."
"You don't mean that."
"Yes I do. You're like the kindest person I've ever met." He said leaning back on his hands. "I mean shit, if I had a girl who was a fraction as nice as you, well I'd consider myself lucky."
She held her knees to her chest. "She didn't think so. She… She took one look at me and she said that she can see why you would cheat on me." She said, another tear falling down her face.
His brow furrowed. "She said that to you?"
She nodded.
Anger flicked inside him.
Erin was his friend. He wasn't going to let some dumb hookup make her feel like trash.
"I'll call her right now and set her straight. I think she gave me her number." He said, pulling out his phone.
"What? Don't do that. She was telling the truth anyway."
"How do you figure that?" He asked, almost not believing he heard her right.
She stared at the untouched cup of tea. More tears fell down her face. "I think Hatori hates me."
He stared at her. "What? What makes you say that?" He asked. Was the jet lag making her say crazy things?
More tears. "He… He's been distant with me. For weeks. I… I don't know… I don't know why! I don't know what I did wrong! It's… It's killing me!" She sobbed.
Kazu stared at her, completely unsure what to do. He definitely wanted to help her… But how?
He thought back on Hatori the past few months or so.
Erin was right, he had been off. That was obvious to see.
He was more irritable than normal and had no patience for any teasing and ribbing like he usually did.
He wasn't angry… Just sad.
It reminded him of how he was when he saw him after med school. He tried to ask him about it, but he said he was fine.
Kazu had just written it off as stress from work.
However he never imagined his sadness would trickle down to Erin as well.
However, if there was one thing Kazu knew in his life.
It was Hatori.
He was a nice person.
That was simple fact.
He wasn't cold or heartless. He just pretended to be occasionally.
Something must've happened. He must have a reason to be upset.
And he knew it wasn't Erin.
Hatori was crazy about Erin. She was his whole world. He saw the way Hatori looked at her. Saw the way his eyes lit up when he talked about her.
No way in hell was she the reason he was off.
"Erin. Look at me." He said, his tone surprisingly serious.
She looked up at him.
"Erin, Hatori loves you. Like, loves you more than life itself. You're his everything. I know this for a fact." He said as if it were the most obvious statement in the world.
She sniffed. "That's not true."
"I've never said a truer statement in my life." He said, sipping his tea.
"But then… Why is he… Why is he acting like this?" She asked.
He took a breath.
"Look. I like to think I know Hatori very well. I've known him for years. If there is one thing he sucks at, it's talking about his feelings. He sucks. Like, really sucks." He said, with a small smile.
"When he's upset or something is bothering him, he doesn't talk about it. He keeps it to himself. He was like that in med school too." He said.
Erin looked at him. "Really?"
Kazu nodded. "Yeah. I never knew why, but there were a few days he just came in looking so… I don't know, I don't wanna say depressed, but depressed. I tried, but I could never get him to tell me what was wrong. He just said he couldn't talk to me about it." He said before glancing at the table top. "Even to this day, I still don't know what made him so upset. Probably never will. However, I can accept that. I know it's not really my place."
He looked over at her once more. "However, you might feel different. I mean you are going to be his wife soon. You'd probably want to know what's wrong when he gets like this." He said, drumming his fingers on the table top.
"Let me tell you what I know." He said, sitting up. "Now I can't speak for him. That's something he'll have to do himself. But like I said. I know he cares about you. You are the most important person in his life. I know you aren't the reason he's upset."
"My advice is, if you want to know what's bothering him, talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you've noticed. Knowing Hatori, he probably hasn't realized he's been acting like this towards you." Kazu said.
She blinked as she thought of what he said. "You think it's that easy?"
He laughed slightly. "Of course. You need to communicate when you're in a relationship. That's how it works. You don't need to get so worked up. Just talk to him."
She wiped her tears.
Just talk to him.
Was it really that easy? Of course she had tried to ask him what was wrong… However she hadn't told him how she felt…
Talking… Well it wasn't something she did well. She found it extremely difficult to talk about what she wanted or how she felt.
She kept everything locked away.
Maybe it was from years of always being told to keep things from people she loved. Maybe it was because she was shy.
She couldn't even tell Hatori she wanted him…
She frowned at the thought. Was the solution to her problem really as simple as talking to him?
It seemed so stupidly easy… What it must be like to be a normal girl and just be able to say whatever came to her mind.
If she was normal, she could've talked to him weeks ago and saved herself all this trouble.
If she was normal… Talking to Hatori… Tell him how she felt… What she wanted…
It would be easy.
Like breathing.
She began crying once again.
She heard Kazu get up and walk off.
When he came back a box of tissues entered her field of vision. She sniffed and wiped her eyes before grabbing a tissue.
"T-Thank you." She said.
"Hey, it's just a tissue." He said with a smile.
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to bother you." She said, tears still falling into her lap.
"You're not a bother. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't help you when you're upset?" He asked, handing her another tissue.
She accepted it and wiped her eyes.
"Were you really telling the truth before? You think… You think I'm actually worth Hatori's time?" She asked, almost worried about his answer.
"Of course. And I'm sorry that dumb chick made you think different. If it makes you feel any better… I don't even remember her name." He shrugged.
At that she laughed. "You did not forget her name."
He smirked.
"Hirokazu Yanagi, that's so bad! How do you hook up with someone and forget their name?" She laughed. "Did she not tell you?"
He laughed as well. "No, she told me… I just didn't care enough to remember it."
She laughed. A real laugh.
It was a sound Kazu was happy to hear.
A sound that filled the hole inside of him.
"You're really something Kazu." She laughed, finally taking a sip of her tea.
"I am original." He smiled. "Just don't let the warden know. He'll give me one of his famous lectures."
She nodded. "Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me."
"Good. Speaking of Hatori, let me get you that file." He said, getting up and walking off.
She sipped her tea as her eyes trailed to the shelf.
Upon the many books was a photo.
She got up and walked over to see a photo of a young girl. Her brown eyes were bright and happy as she smiled wide for the photo.
"Alright, I got it-" He started to say, but stopped when he saw her by the shelf.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." She said sheepishly.
He smiled. "No. It's alright. I don't mind. I'm afraid I don't have Hatori's gift for keeping everything neat."
She shook her head. "It's fine I don't either… Is this her? Your friend? The one who's grave you were visiting?" She asked.
He nodded and glanced at the photo. "Yup. That's Yui. I took that picture. We went on a hike to see the maple trees in the autumn of my third year."
She looked at the photo. "She's beautiful."
He smiled once more. "I think so too. I knew her for such a short time. It wasn't even a year, but she changed me. She's what made me want to become a doctor."
"Really?" She asked and he nodded.
"Yeah. Which is what led me to Hatori and you. So I definitely owe her big time. I hope I can pay her back one day." He said.
She looked at the photo. It was as if something finally clicked.
"Hey you said I reminded you of her. Is that really true?" She asked.
He looked down at her and nodded. "Yeah, you do."
"Is that why you're… Why you're so nice to me?" She asked.
He dropped her gaze and rubbed the back of his neck. "Honestly? When I first saw you… That day at the restaurant… I was taken back by how much you looked and acted like her. I felt… Well I felt like I was back in high school."
He gave a small laugh. "It's pretty pathetic I know. I just… I just wanted to feel whole again… And being with you… Well it's the only thing that I find makes me feel whole."
"So yes. At first I just wanted to be around you because of that. However, that's not the only reason. You are also just a lot of fun to be around." He said, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"Erin, I also owe you a lot." He said.
She looked at him questioningly. "But I haven't done anything."
"No. You… Gave me back my friend. Hatori was so broken when I met him again after I finished school. He wasn't happy. But then he met you, and it changed him. With you Hatori is like a completely different person. He laughs, he smiles, he's so happy. And if he's happy, I'm happy." He said with a smile.
"I'll never be able to pay you back for that." He said, looking down at her. "Never be able to say a thank you good enough."
A tear fell down her face. "You think I've done that much for him? I thought I was just a bother."
He shook his head. "Little miss, you will never be a bother to that man. Trust me. You've done more for him than I think either of us will ever understand."
She smiled. All this time, was she really helping Hatori? She always felt like he was just helping her all this time.
"Just… Just stay with me. Please."
Hatori's words he told her that day when he was sick replayed in her head.
Stay with me.
Stay with me.
He needed her.
He could be hurting right now.
No.
He was hurting right now.
He's been hurting.
How could she be so stupid?
How could she be so blind?
All this time she thought it was something she had done. That he was mad at her.
It was so selfish and childish to think that. Making it about her. She never tried to really figure it out, never thought it could be something else.
It proved how she was still just a dumb kid.
A dumb kid who probably didn't and never would deserve someone like Hatori. But regardless of that fact, he chose her. He asked her to marry her.
For reasons she would never understand, he chose her to spend the rest of his life with.
He helped her.
Pulled her from the darkest times of her life.
He saved her time and time again.
When she fell, he was there to catch her.
If she needed him, he was there.
Always.
Now he needed her. Really needed her.
And she would help him. No matter what.
"Kazu, I should go." She said, grabbing the file.
He smiled and rested a hand on her head. "Yes. Go talk to him. I promise it'll all be okay."
"Thank you. For everything. I'm sorry I woke you."
He waved her off. "Hey, you can come anytime. You're always welcome here. Just maybe next time shoot me a text first. That way I can at least put on a shirt before you come." He laughed.
Her eyes finally acknowledged his bare chest and she laughed. "Yeah, I'll make sure to do that next time." She said, walking to the door. "Oh Kazu?"
He looked at her.
"I'm glad I can help you feel whole. And I'm glad I have you as a friend." She said with a smile.
He smiled back.
It was a smile she had never really seen on him before.
Sure Kazu always wore a smile, he rarely stopped smiling.
However this smile… Well this smile felt real. It felt genuine.
"I'm glad to have you as a friend as well Erin. I really mean that." He said.
"Good." She said, buttoning her coat. "I'll see you soon!" She said before running out.
The January air was cold, and snowflakes fell in a steady rhythm. However, she still ran.
Ran down the streets, clutching the file in her hands.
Stay with me.
She picked up the pace as his words replayed in her head once more.
"I'm coming." She whispered to herself.
Yes. She would help him. She would be there for him.
She would do what he always did for her.
She needed to help him.
She wanted to help him.
And she would. No matter what.
Because she loved him.
And she always would.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
By the time Erin got home she was covered in snowflakes, and she was completely out of breath.
Her lungs burned from running in the frigid air, however she couldn't seem to care.
She ran through the front doors and didn't even bother taking off her shoes. She ran right up to Hatori's office and quickly opened the door.
He looked up from his desk, surprised to be pulled from his work so suddenly.
He looked at her state, seeing she was clearly out of breath. He stood up. "Erin, what's wrong? Why were you running in this cold?" He asked, removing his glasses and walking over to her.
She held her finger up as she sucked air into her lungs. "I… I need to talk to you." She said, placing the file down.
He tilted his head. "Talk to me? About what?" He asked.
She finally caught her breath slightly, and walked up to him. "I need… I need to apologize."
Confusion washed over his features. "Apologize? Erin, what can you possibly have to apologize for?" He asked.
She grabbed his hand. "You've been hurting. Something is hurting you. And… And I haven't tried hard enough to help you. I should've tried harder to talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Hatori." She said, tears falling down her face.
His eyes widened. She was… Apologizing?
Why?
"You do so much for me… And you're so amazingly perfect… I know I'll never deserve someone like you… But I-" She started to say but the look on Hatori's face stopped her.
He looked angry.
He let go of her hand and turned away from her. "No. Don't say that. Don't say that ever again."
"Don't say what?" She asked, thoroughly confused.
"Say I'm perfect!" He yelled suddenly, running a hand through his hair.
She watched him for a moment, unsure what to say. Hatori rarely ever yelled or raised his voice. Especially to her.
She hated yelling. She always had. It was something that always made her want to hide… To run away.
No.
She wasn't 18 anymore. She could handle this. She would help him.
"Hatori, I don't understand. You are perfect to me." She tried to say.
"No. No Erin I'm not!" He exclaimed. "You always say that. Always! But it's a lie. I'm…I'm…" He tried to say. "I'm not good! I'm a monster! Why… Can't you see that?"
She blinked. "What are you talking about? You're not a monster."
"You don't know Erin! You…" He said clenching his fists.
She had never seen him like this before. He looked angry, however she could see in his eyes… See how he really felt.
His eyes were filled with sadness… Sadness, guilt, desperation… They all showed on his face.
It broke her heart. "Hatori, just talk to me. I want to know! Please!" She said walking up to him.
He looked down at her, the darkness closing in on him.
Tell her.
No. She'll leave.
"I… I can't." He said, covering his face in his hands.
"It's okay. I'm here. You can tell me." She said, reaching for him.
He stepped back.
"Erin, I'm… I'm not a good person. Do you know how many people I've hurt? Do you know how many lives I've ruined?" He asked, staring down at her.
He couldn't lie anymore. She deserved the truth.
"I'm a monster! I've hurt so many people…" He said looking at his hands. "People begged me Erin. Begged me to spare their loved ones memories. And I did it anyway. And you know what? I didn't care! I stopped caring! I became numb to everything!" He exclaimed, trying to ignore the way his hands shook. The way his whole body trembled.
"For years I did my family's dirty work. Years I hurt people. Years Erin. Don't you see?" He asked, looking at her. "I stood idly by while Akito abused the other Junishi members. I helped cover it up! I covered up countless incidents, regardless if they hurt people or not." He said.
"Yuki. Yuki came to me sobbing. Begging me to not erase his friends' memories. But I did. And I didn't even feel bad. I was so numb… So detached that I couldn't feel for him even if I wanted to. I just did what I was told. Like always." He said, tears stinging at his eyes.
"I'm a monster Erin. A monster in human skin. Cursed or not, and I always will be. I'm also a liar…" He said, dropping his gaze to the floor. "I never told you. I never told you any of this because… Because I was selfish!" He said before beginning to pace the office.
"So disgustingly selfish. I hid it from you because I know… I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this house. I don't deserve my clinic. I don't deserve any of it!" He said, his voice cracking and his stoic demeanor beginning to crumble.
"The people's memories I stole? They'll never return. They'll never remember their loved ones. Never remember their friends. Their friends and loved ones will never ever get them back. They are cursed to live the rest of their lives as nothing more than a forgotten memory to the people they love. There's no way to undo that!" He exclaimed.
"Why should I get to be happy, when I'm the one who ruined those lives? What right do I have to sit here, be released from my curse, and get to escape the main house and be with you? What right? How can I sit here and be happy with the person most important to me, when I stole that from so many people?" He exclaimed, tears falling down his face.
"But here I am. I pushed it down. I pretended like I could forget about all the horrible things I've done. Pretended like I actually deserved to be with you. However, I know I don't. I know I'm no where close to being able to deserve someone like you." He cried. "Day after day I was with you… Lying to you… Keeping my past from you because I was scared… I was scared of losing you. I was scared you would stop thinking of me as good. Because for some reason, you think I'm a good person. You think I'm perfect…And I'm not!"
"Everything about me… Is bad. I should've told you years ago. I should've been honest…But I just… I wanted to keep living the lie. The lie that I deserved happiness. That I deserved you… And all your warmth…All your light…" He said, his voice becoming quiet. "But I don't. And I know I don't. And the guilt has been killing me. Killing me. Everytime you smile, Everytime you say I'm perfect, or good… It kills me." He said so quietly she almost didn't hear him.
Tears fell down her own face from his words.
He was… Carrying this guilt… This whole time…
Everyday.
Everyday he was hurting. And she didn't know.
The thought sent an ache through her chest.
Was this what he really thought about himself? Was this how he saw himself?
A monster?
One undeserving of love?
He took a shaky breath. "Now you know… You know what kind of person I am… What kind of monster I am. Now you know why I'm not perfect. So please. Never say that I don't deserve you. Never call me good or perfect…." He said, eyes trained on the floor.
This is it. This is when I lose her. When I lose everything.
She'll look at me like I'm a monster. She's probably scared of me now.
However, his thoughts were silenced by her laying her hand on his cheek.
He met her gaze… Saw her big brown eyes looking up at him.
He was shocked to see no fear in her eyes. No fear, no resentment, no anger, not even pity… She just looked at him. Watched the tears fall down his face.
Using her thumb, she wiped one of his tears away. "Hatori… Have you felt this way all this time?" She asked softly.
He dropped her gaze. Not finding words to answer her.
"Hatori, look at me." She said gently.
He glanced at her.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I never realized you felt like this." She said.
His brow furrowed. "No… You… can't apologize…"
"I will apologize. I didn't realize you felt this way. I didn't realize you were hurting this whole time." She said, brushing his hair away from his face. "Did you really think that if you told me this that it would change how I feel about you?" She asked.
He made another face. "There's no way you could want to be with me… I don't deserve it…" He said as if it were obvious. "I'm a mon-"
"No. No I won't let you say it." She interceded. "Please Hatori, please believe me when I tell you that you have never been and never will be a monster in my eyes."
"But I hurt people…" He said quietly.
"You were cursed. You couldn't go against Akito's orders. You couldn't disobey your family. You didn't have a choice." She said.
There was that excuse. The old excuse he used to tell himself.
"No, I can't use that as an excuse."
"It's not an excuse. You couldn't say no. And if you did say no… Something bad would happen." She said, holding his hands.
She took a deep breath. "Trust me. I know how that feels. I understand what it's like to be forced into something you don't want to do. Something that hurts you… Kills you. I know what that guilt feels like. I know what it feels like to be completely and utterly powerless in what happens to you. To have someone use you… And you know you have absolutely no say, because you'll be punished if you don't."
He looked down at her.
More tears fell down his face. "I… I didn't want to… I really didn't."
It was like he was back to that first day. That day he first used his gift. When he ran away crying because the guilt was just too much to bear.
"Of course you didn't want to." She said, wiping away his tears. "I know you didn't want to."
She analyzed his face before speaking once more. "Hatori… You are the kindest person I have ever met. You try to hide it sometimes, but you care so much about people. You try to help people. It's why you work so hard, why despite every ounce of better judgment, you helped me that first day we met. You didn't have to help me. But you did." She said with a small smile.
"When I look at you Hatori, I see all of you. I see the you that you usually show. That cold and serious you. However, I also see the you that not a lot of people see. The you that I believe is who is closest to who you truly are." She said, looking at him up and down.
"The you that is so unbelievably kind. So unbelievably good. The one who has always, always been there for me. The one who has done so much for me that I could never ever repay you."
"You are and always will be perfect in my eyes. Everytime I look at you, I think to myself how lucky I am to have you. Every day with you is like a dream." She said, tears welling in her eyes. "When I look at you, my heart feels like it's going to explode… Maybe I forget to tell you. Maybe I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget to check up on you. And I'm sorry."
She tightened her hold on his hands. "But I promise you Hatori. I promise you. When I look at you, I see nothing but what you are. And what you are is a good, loving person. A kind person. Not a monster. Not a bad person. And I will never see you in that light." She said, looking into his eyes.
"I love you. I love you so much, it hurts. And that love… That love will never ever go away. No matter what you did in the past." She said softly. "Please. Please, you don't have to feel guilty. You don't have to feel ashamed. I know it's easier said than done… but I want to help you. I want to help you like you've helped me." She said resting her hands on either side of his face.
He looked down at her, completely at a loss for words.
She wasn't scared.
She wasn't angry.
She was… Accepting him… Even knowing all he had done.
Tears continued to fall down his face. From her words, it felt like a million pound weight was lifted from his shoulders.
He finally felt like he could breathe.
He finally felt… Forgiven.
Finally felt human.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I didn't tell you." He cried.
"It's okay. I understand. It's okay." She said, resting her forehead against his.
Could this really be the end? The end of the guilt that followed him?
No he would most likely still feel it… However, Erin knew everything and she still loved him. Still saw him as good.
Why?
Was he really not to blame? Could he really be allowed to find happiness?
Will the light he found finally be safe from the dark and twisted world of the Sohmas?
Could he finally find peace?
Could he finally feel at peace?
He looked at Erin, found that piece of hair that hung in her eyes. He tucked it behind her ears before pulling her in to hold her close. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
She held him back tightly. "You don't need to apologize."
He held her close, tears still falling from his eyes. "I love you. So much."
"I love you too. More than anything." She said, burying her face in his chest.
As he held her he reveled in the feeling.
He never wanted to let her go.
He didn't know what he ever did to deserve someone like Erin in his life, but he would treasure her forever.
She was the most amazing and perfect person in the whole world.
Maybe he wasn't good enough for her right now. Maybe he wasn't at the level he knew she deserved.
But he would get there.
He would try. Truly try as hard as he could, to be the best he could be.
For her.
That way, one day, when she looked up at him with those beautiful brown eyes and smiled at him like he was the most amazing person in the whole world… He would feel no guilt.
And when she told him he was perfect and amazing…
He would actually be able to believe her.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
January 14th, 2003
Hatori knocked on the door, before shoving his cold hands back into his pockets.
He hoped he was home.
The door opened, revealing Jirou with a slightly surprised look on his face. "Hatori? Is everything alright?" He asked.
He nodded. "I apologize for stopping by uninvited. I can come back another time if you're busy."
Jirou shook his head. "No. I'm not busy. You can come in."
Hatori walked in, removing his coat and shoes.
He looked around the surprisingly neat and organized home. "Finally all unpacked I see."
Jirou smiled. "Yeah, it took much longer than I thought. I take no credit on how everything is decorated and laid out. Kat pretty much did all of that."
Hatori smiled as well. "I understand. I give Erin all the say on how everything is decorated at home."
"She busy tonight?" Jirou asked.
Hatori nodded. "She went to dinner with her friend from school. I was actually in Tokyo today. I'm just headed home now. However… I wanted to stop by and talk to you first."
Jirou gave him a questionable look. "Alright. What's up?" He said, crossing his arms. He was unsure of what Hatori would need to talk about.
Hatori took a breath. "I wanted to tell you that you were right."
Jirou tilted his head. "Right about what?"
"Right about my family… Right about everything. I should've been honest with Erin from the start." He said, running a hand through his hair.
"Hatori I'm not blaming you-"
"Let me finish." Hatori interceded, taking another breath. "I talked to Erin. I told her everything… You of course were right. She wasn't mad or scared of me… Even though she probably should be."
Jirou watched him plan what he was going to say next.
"Jirou, I know our situation has been… Complicated at times. I know a lot of that is my fault. And I want to fix it." He said.
Jirou sighed. "Hatori you don't need to fix anything."
"No, I do." He said, leaning against the wall. "My family… Has done things. Unforgivable things. I've done unforgivable things for my family. I know I'll never be able to atone for that, but I want to try." He said. "You were right. Erin shouldn't marry into a family like that."
"Wait, don't tell me you're not gonna marry her." Jirou said, looking at him up and down.
"No. I'm going to marry her. I love Erin, and nothing will make me happier. However, I want to start a new life. Once I marry her, I want to be with her, without the shadow of my family hanging over me. So I went to the main estate in Tokyo today."
"What did you do?" Jirou asked.
Hatori wore the ghost of a smile. "I remembered I never told the elders of my family about my engagement. I mean I'm sure they knew, everyone talks, but in my family you need to get approval to marry someone. Permission to bring them into the family." He said, trying to push away the memories of him being blinded.
"Seems like an important thing to forget." Jirou said.
He shrugged. "I wouldn't say I forgot. I just… Didn't particularly care."
"So, did you get their permission?" Jirou asked.
At that, Hatori smiled. "Not exactly.The head of the family was out so I had to deal with the elders, the ones who are also in charge of running the family."
It had been a bold move.
Hatori knew it.
He was nervous.
But he had to.
Do it for Erin.
These were the words that got him through. The words that pushed him forward.
He walked into the room where the four elders sat, reviewing family finances and discussing important matters.
They looked up as he walked in.
"Ah Hatori, we're glad you came in." The one said.
"We have an important matter to discuss with you." The other said.
"Well I'm assuming I know what it is you wish to discuss." Hatori said, not bothering to sit down.
"We wish to discuss this engagement of yours to Erin White."
"I figured as much."
The older woman gave him a pointed look. "Hatori, you know as well as anyone that you need the family's approval to marry an outsider."
"We had a private investigator look into her background. She's a no name commoner. An American. She was orphaned at 6, and a member of her family is facing a very long jail sentence for assault." The older man said.
Hatori clenched his fists. The thought of his family prying into Erin's personal life angered him.
"We can't have the Sohma family name be associated with this. It's an embarrassment." The older woman said crossly.
"You are to end this engagement. This family needs you. Needs your gift."
Hatori gave a dry laugh, as he stuck his hands in his pockets.
They all looked at him like he was crazy.
"I got engaged without asking you, because it doesn't matter what you say. I'm going to marry Erin, regardless if you approve or not." He said.
"Don't be ridiculous, Hatori. You can't marry her. Think of this family. Think of your parents. They would never approve of this!"
Hatori knew that. He always knew that. "My parents rarely approved of anything I did. What's one more disappointment?"
"If you do this, you know what'll happen. Do you really want to be cut off? Forced to live outside?" The man asked, disbelief in his voice.
Hatori shrugged. "I already live outside."
"You'll be cut off! You'll never receive any money from this family ever again!" The older woman exclaimed.
"I don't want your money. I don't need it. I make plenty of money on my own. Don't you see? I don't want to be in this family." He said sternly.
"You can't be serious!"
"I am. 27 years. 27 years of my life I gave to this family. I did things for this family… Did things I never wanted to do." He said, his gaze falling to his hands before looking back at them. "I will never do anything for this family ever again. And as for my gift? I will never pass it on. It will end with me. And I'll never use it again."
The shocked looks on their faces were almost comical.
"What about the head of the family?"
Hatori shrugged. "If Akito would like to speak to me she can. However, I have a feeling she will understand." He said, turning to walk out.
"You'll really choose some no name girl over your family?" The older woman asked. Still not believing what she was hearing.
Hatori gripped the door handle. "Erin is my family."
And then he walked out without another word.
He looked at Jirou who was contemplating the story. "You left your family?"
"No, I left my family a while ago. I just made it clear I wasn't coming back." He said plainly.
"I hope you didn't do that, just because I got upset." He said.
"No, of course not. I've been wanting to walk away from my family long before I even met you or Erin." He said before smiling. "I'm finally free from them."
Jirou smiled as well. "Well I'm happy for you."
"Thank you. However… There's still one thing I still need to do." He said.
"And that is?" Jirou asked.
Hatori adjusted his weight as he tried to think of the right words. "Jirou I… I owe you the truth. The real truth. The truth on why I left Erin… Why I did all those things for my family. It was the truth I should've told you a long time ago."
Jirou looked at him. The real truth? What would that be? "Okay." He said.
Hatori took a deep breath and his gaze went upward as he thought of how to explain. "Now, I know this will sound… Crazy. It'll sound completely illogical. However, it's true. I just need you to keep an open mind." He said.
Jirou could help it, his natural curiosity got the better of him. "Alright, just tell me."
"Jirou, are you familiar with the Chinese zodiac?" He asked.
Jirou blinked. What in the hell did the zodiac have anything with this?
"I mean I know the animals… And my mom used to read me and Suki the old story sometimes." He said, rubbing the back of his neck. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well you see… My family was… Cursed." He said slowly, as if he was testing the waters.
"Cursed?"
Hatori nodded. "Yes. The Zodiac curse. 13 members of my family were possessed by the spirits of the Chinese zodiac."
Jirou's face went blank. "Excuse me?"
"My family was possessed by the spirits of the zodiac." He repeated.
"No I heard you… I just don't understand what you're trying to tell me." Jirou said, his brain still trying to figure it out.
"I know it sounds crazy. But it's true. The curse had been in my family for generations. When one cursed member would pass on another baby would be born in its place." He said.
Jirou ran a hand through his hair. "Hatori are you trying to tell me that you are… Possessed by a spirit? Like a scary movie spirit?"
"Not, possessed like how a scary movie would be. But yes. I was possessed by the spirit of the dragon." He said.
Jirou just stared at him. "So…That means…"
"Well I'm not anymore. But when I was… Well the curse worked that if I came in contact with someone of the opposite sex, like embraced them, I would transform." He said.
"Like transform into a dragon?"
At that, Hatori dropped his gaze as embarrassment washed over him. "Well no. Not exactly. I mean the previous cursed members, yes… But not me." He said. "I… turned into a seahorse." He said quietly.
Jirou's eyes widened as the old memory from Erin being drunk replayed in his mind.
"You see, too bad the curse is gone. You're out of luck." She laughed, going back to twirling.
Jirou furrowed his brows. "What are you talking about?"
"The curse. You know, the zodiac curse." She said in her best 'spooky' voice.
"How much did you drink?" He asked. He knew she was drunk, but not that drunk.
"I could hug him and then you wouldn't have to worry about him beating you up cause he'd POOF!" She exclaimed, raising up her arms. "And he'd be a tiny seahorse." She whispered before laughing again.
"Erin, I'm not in the mood for nonsense right now." Jirou said, exasperated.
Erin frowned and stomped her foot. "It's true it's not nonsense. He's the dragon! But instead of a dragon, it's a seahorse!"
"Okay, fine. He's a seahorse. I get it. Now stop."
She had been telling the truth?
That was it. That was the joke. That's why she always talked about seahorses.
"Oh my god! You mean to tell me when Erin was drunk she was telling the truth?" He exclaimed.
He nodded and laughed slightly. "Yes. She was. She of course found out about it shortly after my cousin took her in."
"So… You never held her?" Jirou asked, as a million questions flew through his head.
Hatori shook his head. "No. I couldn't. But Jirou. There was more to this curse. The curse was a bond of blood. The bonds chained us to the head of our family. We…We couldn't go against her. Even if we tried. Erin was hurt because I was with her. The head of the family thought she was stealing me away from her. So she attacked her. She then ordered me to leave her…" He said, his voice becoming quiet.
"Jirou, please believe me when I say I never ever wanted to leave Erin. Leaving her was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But there was… There was something else inside of me, forcing me to leave. Forcing me to follow orders." He said sadly.
"That day I showed up at your door. That was the day the curse broke. The day I was free. The day I was finally able to think for myself. The first thing I thought of… Was her. Getting her back." He said.
"That's why he left. Cause the curse. He didn't have a choice. But you're stupid and don't forgives him."
Erin's drunk words replayed through Jirou's head once more.
"I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you." He said. "But I don't want to keep any more secrets. Especially from you."
Jirou stayed quiet for a moment.
"So it's gone?" He asked.
Hatori nodded.
Jirou knew he shouldn't believe it.
It sounded crazy.
It was crazy.
However, everything made sense now. All the dark things about the Sohma family… Why Hatori covered them up, why he left.
It all made sense.
It was like it all finally clicked.
Jirou ran a hand down his face. "Okay."
"Okay?" Hatori asked.
"Yeah. It's okay. I… Believe you." He said.
"You look pale." Hatori said.
"Nope. I'm fine." He said, still thinking about it. "I mean we all have our secrets right?"
"I suppose." Hatori said, watching him begin to pace.
"Now you're saying you turned into a seahorse. Like a real seahorse? Like a swimming, water breathing seahorse?" He asked.
Hatori chuckled lightly. "Yes. I know it's hard to believe. Especially now. It's not like I can prove it. I won't blame you if you don't believe me." He said, his eyes following him as he paced.
"No. No, I believe you. I think I'm just… I just need to process it." He said before stopping and looking over to him. "Hey, do you want a drink? I feel like I need a drink."
Hatori laughed. "A drink sounds nice."
Jirou went to the kitchen before coming out with two beers. "So you're not just going to turn into a sea animal are you?" Jirou asked, watching him carefully.
Hatori smiled and accepted the drink. "I promise I'm not."
Jirou took a swig of his and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay. So… Now what?"
Hatori tilted his head. "What do you mean?"
"What are you going to do now?" He asked.
Hatori thought of it.
"I guess I'll finally be able to find that peace we were talking about." He said.
Jirou smiled slightly. "Yeah… That would be nice."
They sat in silence for a bit before Jirou suddenly exclaimed. "But why a seahorse?"
Hatori laughed and shook his head.
Guess this would take a little explaining.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
January 15, 2003
"What! You're joking! This has to be a joke, right?" Kazu asked, dying of laughter.
Hatori sighed. "I'm afraid not."
"Wait. Wait. A seahorse? You said you were the year of the dragon." He asked.
"I was the year of the dragon."
"Kazu, seahorse means baby dragon." Erin said, eating her food.
"Well… Not exactly." Jirou added, stirring his ramen. "I looked it up. Seahorse means 'dragon's bastard child.'"
At this Kazu started laughing harder, and Hatori's cheeks turned pink as embarrassment washed over him.
"Okay, okay, how big was this 'zodiac seahorse'?" He asked.
Erin laughed slightly. "8 centimeters."
Kazu began laughing again.
"Yanagi, we're in public." Hatori said, glancing around the ramen shop.
"Uh oh, he used the last name, you're in so much trouble." Erin whispered.
"It's worth it." He whispered back. Before going back to his food. "Alright, alright. I won't laugh… It's just really fucking funny."
Hatori sighed. "I know."
"I don't know what I'm more surprised about. The fact that you turned into a sea animal, or the fact Erin knew this whole time and never told me." Jirou said, pointing his chopsticks at her.
"Hey, it wasn't my secret to share. Besides, you never would have believed me anyway. And are you telling me you researched this?" She laughed.
He raised his hands. "Okay, I may have gone to the library this morning."
Erin laughed. "The library?"
"Yeah, the library! Where else would I go to look it up?" He asked, his eyes bright with humor.
"Wait, tell me Jirou, how did that conversation go with the librarian? 'Hi yes. My future brother in law just told me of an ancient curse that used to be in his family. Do you have any books on that?'" Kazu laughed.
Jirou laughed and rolled his eyes. "Don't be silly, Kazu. I obviously just used the Dewey decimal system, and found exactly what I needed."
"Oh yes and what numbers cover ancient Chinese curses?" Kazu asked.
"Kazu it would be under generalities of course. You know, unexplained mysteries and encyclopedias." Erin said with a smile.
"I'm sure there aren't actually books on it." Hatori said with a ghost of a smile.
"Well of course not. But I thought I'd try. I mean it helped me try to process it all." Jirou sighed.
"Don't worry Jirou, I find it better to just go with the flow. Don't think too much." Kazu said before sipping the broth from his ramen.
"I am surprised at how well you took it." Hatori said, looking over at him.
Kazu smiled. "Are you kidding me? It all makes sense now." He said before looking at Erin. "Hatori here used to be terrified of girls in college. He would avoid them like the plague."
Erin laughed.
"I wasn't terrified of them." Hatori deadpanned.
"Hey it's alright. I guess I would be too if I turned into a sea animal when one bumped into me." He shrugged.
"Something tells me you'd hug them on purpose." Erin laughed.
Kazu gave her a mischievous grin, before looking back to Hatori. "My question though is why you finally decided to tell me."
Hatori just shrugged. "Well isn't that what friends do? They tell each other things?"
Kazu smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"It's also cause he's 30 now. He wants to be honest in his old age." Erin said with a teasing smile.
"Now Erin, 30 is hardly old." Hatori laughed.
"Eh… It's a little old." She said.
He smiled and rolled his eyes. "Tell me that when you're the one who's 30." He said, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her head.
"Well by that time you'll be almost 40. And that's old." She laughed.
"She's right. 40 is kinda old." Kazu said, finishing his food.
"Well Kazu when you're in your forties I'll make sure to remind you of that." Hatori laughed.
"Well at least I know I'll always be younger than the three of you guys." Erin said, resting her chin on her hands.
"Yeah, little miss has a point. She'll always be the baby." Kazu teased.
"That is true." Jirou agreed.
"Hey I'm not that young." She said, crossing her arms.
Hatori listened to the three of them continue their conversation, as they continued to poke fun at each other.
Hatori joined in occasionally, but he was mostly just content to listen and enjoy their company.
When the four of them were together it was always nice.
Erin had been right that day at the beach.
They were a family.
Relief washed over him.
They knew the truth. He didn't have to hide anymore. Didn't have to lie.
He'd never felt so… Free.
Even after the curse broke, he still felt bound to something. He still felt like he was holding onto his past, still locked in the Sohma cage.
However now, knowing his family accepted him… Didn't blame him… Well it was like he was finally released from the cage.
He reached under the table and entwined his fingers with Erin's.
She looked up at him and smiled.
There it was.
The smile.
The smile she gave him like he was the most amazing person in the whole world.
The smile no one had ever given him before.
He gave her hand a squeeze and mouthed 'I love you.'
Her smile grew as she mouthed it back.
The light from her smile seemed to chase away all the darkness that threatened to consume him.
Happiness bubbled up inside of him as he continued to hold her hand.
He wanted to hold on to this happiness, this feeling she gave him. He wanted to hold on and never let go.
And he wouldn't.
He would keep his light.
Keep and hold onto the happiness she gave him for the rest of his life.
He would treasure it. Every moment for the rest of his life.
He would never go back to the cage.
Never return to the dark of his past.
He would keep going. Keep moving forward. Going through whatever life had planned.
He would go down the path his life had planned for him.
And he would go with Erin at his side, following her warmth and brightness, and he would never look back.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Happy Saturday!!
I actually posted on time yay!
So this is it, the big chapter! I am so happy with how this chapter turned out. This was building for like a while. I feel like this scene with Erin and Hatori has been building since book 1.
I feel this is finally the end of the curse. At least in Hatori's mind. Even though it broke years ago, he was still holding onto his past, still hiding it. He was holding it for so long until he literally broke. I really hope this is genuine to his character. Hatori shows so little emotions in the main story of fruits basket, so writing him breaking down or upset sometimes feels ooc for him. I hope I wrote it well enough.
I am absolutely in love with the idea that Erin gets to be the one to help him now. And the fact that she has come so far that she can use what happened to her and talk about it in a way that she can relate to him, speaks volumes to how much she has changed.
As for Hatori, I think he is finally free. And he will definitely be able to find peace now.
As for Hatori finally telling Jirou about the cures, I actually originally planned on that in the second book but decided against it. They weren't good enough in their relationship. Here it fits so much better.
As for Kazu? Lol I feel like he doesn't let anything bother him and now all the weird things Hatori used to do finally make sense. I think he trusts Hatori so much, that Hatori could literally tell him anything and he would believe him, no questions asked.
Anyway onto this week's character analysis.
This week we have Erin's Therapist
She doesn't have a name, I didn't plan for Erin to go back to the therapist after the first book, but she shows up pretty frequently now.
I like to think She's definitely a no nonsense type of person, and definitely gives tough love (I don't know if that's the right word, but you get my point.)
It took a very long time for Erin to actually talk to her therapist. The first few sessions she went to she most definitely didn't say a word the whole time.
Erin's therapist has mixed feelings about Hatori I feel. (Not that she ever says anything.) However I feel in her personal opinion she probably doesn't agree with their age difference, and the fact Hatori was one of the reasons she got put in therapy in the first place.
She really likes Jirou. Jirou used to bring Erin to every therapy session and pick her up. He would talk with her a lot on how Erin was doing, and update her on things.
Alright, I'll see you next Saturday for THE Big Day!
Next Saturday is Chapter 13: The Wedding
Love you guys!