A/N: I am so new to this that's it's not even funny. I don't even know where to put the Authors Note, thats how lost I am. This is my first fic, ever. So if anyone has any kind of criticism I will take anything I can get! I worked painstakingly hard at this. And it will break my heart if you don't like it. But please tell me what you think. And without furthur ado..
kaleidoscope heart
It had been one week since she'd left. One week he'd gone without her catty quips about his clothes, or his poor taste in literature and film. Even though they both knew they basically had the same Netflix queue and their bookshelves didn't vary much from the others either. One week of getting an extra coffee out of habit. Seven days of picking up the phone every couple of hours just to see that she hadn't tried to contact him in any way. All in all, it was 168 hours, accumulating into 7 days, making up one week of absolute torture. But he wasn't in the least bit surprised. Blair had that kind of effect on him. She brought him to two extremes: times that he hated her, and times that he hated being without her. This time was the latter. He shook his head and sighed loudly. He was frustrated. He should be happy for her. But he wasn't. Her happiness with the Prince, caused him alot of unhappiness. So he just couldn't be happy for her. He would just have to pretend.
...
She had been in Monaco for one week. She had done everything, seen everything, talked to everyone, and now she was bored. The palace was cold and empty & her fiance was preoccupied and distant while she was lonely and homesick. She sprawled on her queen sized bed in the far-off east corner of the palace, virtually the only place where she was allowed to go. She was forbidden to check Gossip Girl. It was almost like a drama vacation. One she was not particularly happy about taking. She tried to remain as bright-eyed and chipper as possible, but not even Blair Waldorf could fake that amount of sunshine. She did not at all care for all the rules and restrictions that were forced on her. She missed the freedom of being Blair Waldorf. She found herself missing Dan too, even though she knew she shouldn't. She pulled out her cellphone out of her pocket and typed out a text to her most and least favorite writer in Brooklyn; 'Roman Holiday. Tonite 8 my time. -B' . She sighed loudly and thought about smacking her head up against the wall, just to wake herself up. She was going to be a princess for crying out loud. She was going to marry Prince Louie and live out her happily ever after. She should be happy. She shouldn't be texting Dan Humphrey, and she definitely shouldnt miss him. Somehow she blamed Dan. Everything was going great with Louie, until Dan Humphrey made her miss him. Why am I not happy?
...
He was drowning himself in his writing but it seemed like every sentence he wrote, reminded him of Blair. Every phrase he typed seemed like it could have a better formation or superior sequencing, and the little voice in his head, that had taken on the tone of Blair, made him fix it. He couldn't get away from her. It was impossible. She was everywhere he looked. He saw her in the movies he distracted himself with, the books he tried to read, the dreams he had, when he could get to sleep. He decided to check Gossip Girl for old times sake to see if anything, anything, could get his mind off of Blair Waldorf. He was obviously looking in the wrong place. Just before reading the blast, Dan felt his phone vibrate and his heart flutter as he read the message from the ever-so-distant Queen B. He beamed like a child when he typed his response, 'What else do I have to do at 2 in the morning?' Her time. Her rules. His case of sleep deprivation. But he was happy.
...
Why hello there Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here.
It looks like we have a little case of "Damsel in Distress" on our hands.
It seems that our soon-to-be Queen B, isn't so happy with her fairytale after all.
Could it be she's missing some of her beloved UES drama?
Or is someone particular on her mind?
Oh Lonely Boy, it's starting to look like you're not the only one who's lonely.
xoxo
...
She slammed her lap top down on her bed and started pacing around her room, using explicits that shouldn't even be uttered by a sailor, much less a princess. She had somhow found a way around the internet blocks in order for her to check Gossip Girl for the first time in weeks. And she was very pissed. Blair Waldorf does not get lonely! She thought as she paced around the room groaning and sighing, exhausted. She had over a billion things to do and millions of people to talk to. Lonely was not in Blair Waldorf's vocabulary. Sure, she hadn't seen Louie in a few days, and she was getting restless in this huge palace all to herself, "But I am not lonely." She said out loud, almost a little too loud, as if trying to convince anyone in close proximity or maybe trying to make it resonate in her own head. Maybe she was lonely. Is that why she wanted to talk to Dan Humphrey so badly? Is that why I miss him? She thought to herself, suddenly flushed with the thought. I do not miss Dan Humphrey.. She just missed his coffee and his abhorant plaid clothing and his intelligent criticism over her favorite movies. She felt like she missed him a little too much. But she would never miss Brooklyn.
...
He paced around the loft just waiting for the call. The one call that would brighten his now very dull life. He waited until exactly 8 o'clock on the dot, Monaco time, of course. And held his breath as he heard her very fitting ringtone, the Jaws theme song. He smiled to himself as he flipped open his phone with a, "Hey Waldorf." She could almost hear his goofy smile, the one she had grown to admire. "Hello Humphrey. Miss me?" She tried not to sound too hopeful. Even though she wouldn't admit it, she really did miss him. Yes, he thought. But he bit his tongue, "In your dreams Waldorf." He said quickly as he thought he heard a faint giggle across the phone. "More like nightmares, Cabbage Patch" And that was that. They watched the movie together as if it were the first time. They were unquestionably silent during some of the intense parts, she swooned at the love scenes, and they bickered about the plot. It was the first time either of them had laughed or even smiled in weeks. When the movie was over they talked for another hour or so. Her about the pains of being a princess in Monaco and him about the pains of being a writer in Brooklyn. "Alright you win, Humphrey. You're life is much more terrible than mine. I'd much rather be a princess than be in Brooklyn, any day." She giggled. And suddenly, without warning, the conversation got heavy. "Yes." Dan said quietly, almost hoping she wouldn't hear. "What?" She said quizzically, unsure of what exactly Dan was affirming. "Yes. I do miss you, Waldorf." There was silence on the other end of the phone, and he almost thought she had hung up, until he heard her sigh to herself and say, "I know, Humphrey." I miss you too, she thought about saying but as she kept her pride intact said, "How about 'Paris When It Sizzles' next week?" She heard him grumble a little, but he caved. Which they both knew, he always did. "Sure, Waldorf." And with that they hung up, far sooner than either of them wanted.
...
She didn't expect that she would feel like crying after hanging up with Humphrey. She didn't expect herself to care this much. She didn't expect him to miss her. And she definitely didn't expect that she would miss him too. More than anything, actually. Sure, she missed feeding the ducks in Central park or shopping with Serena, but she never expected how much she would miss watching movies with Dan Humphrey in his little loft in Brooklyn. If she was going to be honest with herself, she'd say that she missed him in a way that people who are more than friends miss each other. She quickly shook her head. We're just friends, she thought. She plopped down on her queen sized bed, exasperated as the words 'just friends' echoed in her head. They had been good friends. They liked the same kind of art, and they read the classics. She had never connected with any other guy the way she connected with Dan Humphrey. And it scared her. Out of all the things in the world she thought could happen, she never expected that she'd be the one to want more.
...
He laid in bed, unable to sleep. He tossed and turned. But no matter what he did he couldn't get himself to lie still; because he couldn't get his mind off Blair Waldorf. It was 5 in the morning, and they had just hung up the phone and he felt as though he were on an adrenaline high. But at the same time he felt like he was on a merry-go-round from hell with this girl. He told her he missed her but all she said was "I know, Humphrey." What is that supposed to mean? Does she miss him too? He felt as though he were tossing himself out to sea and being dragged right back in by her current. She had this cosmic pull on him, like she knew he would never ever be satisfied if he didn't have her and she liked it. It was almost like she enjoyed his misery. He rubbed the tired from his eyes, Of course she enjoyed his misery, shes Blair Waldorf. He wondered if Gossip Girl was right. Maybe she is lonely, he muttered quietly in his head. Then a thought came to Dan Humphrey as he lay in his twin sized bed across the bridge in Brooklyn. Out of all the people in the world she could've called to ease her boredom: Serena, Nate, Dorota, Chuck; she didn't pick up the phone and call any of them. She called him. He smiled very smugly to himself, hell maybe she does miss me. And that thought alone, kept him up the rest of the night.
...
She tried to come up with new games during her long lonely days in the palace. First, she counted all the books in the library that she had already read. She had read all hundred books but five. She got bored with that quickly. The next game she came up with was seeing how long she could blare the Spice Girls through the palace before someone asked her to turn it off. Record: 22 minutes. The last game was her favorite, she'd put on her favorite sun dress and take off to the maze in the garden. She found her favorite corner, laid out a thin blanket, and watched the clouds pass her by. This is where she thought of Dan. She thought about his smile, or his curly hair, and especially his horrendous taste in fashion. She smiled. She really did miss him. But what could she do? She was here, he was there, and she was getting married in a month. She felt as though she were locked in this tug of war between her heart and her brain. Her heart was confused, it had so many colors running through it that she didn't know what was real and what was just reflections off her kaleidoscope heart. Her brain was of absolutely no use. She knew what she should do, what was expected of her. But she didn't know what she wanted anymore. So she sat in the garden, staring up at the clouds, wondering if maybe her kaleidoscope heart was broken, because all she seemed to see when she closed her eyes, was Dan Humphrey.
...
He stared off into space, almost like a dream. He couldn't believe it. He had been published. Sure, the circumstances weren't the best and no one had really discovered him as the author, but The Inside was published. He almost wanted to thank Vanessa for doing what he didn't have the guts to. But now it was out there, everywhere, to be exact. He knew Serena would be too busy cruising around on Vespa's in California with the guy of the week to read it. And he didn't really care if anyone else in the Upper East Side read it. The only person he actually cared about, and was terrified of, reading it was Blair. He had put everything he thought, seen, and more importantly felt, into that book. And it was all about her. And everyone, especially Dan, knew that B couldn't resist reading anything about her. If he was being honest, he wanted her to read it. He wanted her to realize just how lonely they both were without eachother. How lost and alone they had become, ever since she left. He wanted her to see why everyday he woke up and got two coffees because he just can't get over her. He wanted her to see how she absolutely frustrates him to no end, and still manages to make him love her. He had no idea what she had over him, but when it came to surface, all he wanted to do was make her see what she put him through.
...
Gossip Girl here,
Well, well, it seems as if someone has been hiding their true potential all these years. Huh, Lonely boy?
The Inside seems to be a groundbreaking success. (Or shall I say, Upper East Side-breaking?)
But I wonder if it would be such a hit in Monaco?
Don't worry, Lonely boy, i'll save you a stamp and the trouble;
I've already sent B her own copy.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
xoxo
...
His insides were jelly. She was not going to like this. He paced around his loft. He had written the words that formed the sentences that explained how much he cared about her. And she was not going to like it. Knowing Blair, he would receive a scathing yet brief phone call or just more silence. He hadn't decided which one he would dislike more. At least being yelled at by Blair Waldorf was hearing her voice. Her silence was just torture. He had gotten a text from her this morning about the movie plans, so obviously she hasn't received Gossip Girl's package yet. So he was treasuring the minutes he got to speak to her because when she did finally read the book, he was so afraid that the only bright thing in his life would fade away.
...
She was sitting lazily around trying haphazardly to read something Dan recommended by Fitzgerald, while rewatching her favorite Audrey Hepburn movies, when someone knocked on her thick mahogany door. She went to it quickly, half-hoping it was Louie. She opened it and sighed when she realized it was not. Although she wasn't surprised. "Miss Waldorf?" The messenger said in a thick french accent. She nodded with a "oui." She signed for the parcel of brown paper wrapped with a big red bow. The sender information said the package was from "The good old UES". She quickly unwrapped the parcel, knowing that if this was from who she thought it was from, it obviously wasn't very good. She was surprised to find that it was a book. She flipped through it's pages nonchalantly and was confused when a note fell from it:
Well look at what's been rocking the UES in the absence of the Queen.
Who knew he had it in him?
And you won't believe who it's about.
xoxo
~ GG
(p.s. I especially enjoyed pages 180-205)
She shook her head, confused. Who was she talking about? Obviously if it was that important for Gossip Girl to send her this book, it was important enough to read. She turned to the first page of The Inside and began reading. By the end of the first sentence, of the first paragraph, of the first page, of his first novel, Blair knew Dan had written it. By the end of the first chapter, she had thrown the book across the room. Humphrey. She thought, that little cabbage patch kid turned all of our adolescent experiences into a book! How long had he been writing this? She sat on the edge of her bed and she felt her mind scramble, why didn't he tell me? She sighed and begrudgingly went over to pick up the book. She decided to finish reading it. All she had read about so far was an often times confused blonde named Sarah, and a poor writer boy from across the bridge named David. She rolled her eyes. This might as well be nonfiction. She quickly climbed into her bed and began chapter two, filled with apprehension.
...
She had called to cancel their movie date, on account of "Royal business, that you would know nothing of, Humphrey." But she promised she would send him her review of the movie anyway. So not all was lost, yet. If she did receive the book, she didn't let on about it. That eased his mind. Maybe she wouldn't know who wrote it, or maybe she wouldn't even read it at all. He sighed dramatically as he clasped his hands behind his neck. Of course she would read it. And she would definitely know who wrote it. Suddenly, he was beginning to regret writing it at all. He wrote every feeling he ever had in that book, and as his feelings started to change, the book changed with them. Sarah's constant drama and indecisiveness had left David with her spitfire best friend, Audrey. He almost grinned at his own creativity. If he knew Blair would like one thing about his book, it would be that she was named after her favorite Hepburn. As time passed, Dan and Blair went to more movies, and they both realized, but neither of them admitted, that they had a real connection. And that's when the whole book changed. It wasn't about this poor writer boys struggle into the inner circles of the upper east side, it was about her. It was always about her.
...
She's at the end of chapter 3, and she just dropped the book in the bathtub as she was reading it. She hadn't meant to, of course. But she was at the early part of the book where the protagonist and antagonist are clearly distinguishable, and you know what side you're rooting for. But with this book, there was none of that. And she had just read the part where the mean girl best friend comes in. She rolled her eyes, obviously this is where the Blair Waldorf bashing would begin. But right as she went to turn the page she saw it, what he had decided upon naming her. The infamous bitch with the golden heart of the upper east side would be forever known as, "Audrey." She whispered to herself as her sheer shock made her unintentionally drop the book into the suds and bubbles of the bathtub. Shit, she thought as she hurriedly tried to save the dripping book. She sighed as she blowdried the poor paperback. She had to finish it. She just had to. He named her Audrey. She smiled. And then it hit her, she ran through her room, across her bed, to her nightstand where she found her Kindle. In 60 seconds or less, she had 'the Inside' on her comparably very dry Kindle. She started reading. And she didn't stop. She had to know how he felt about her.
...
He hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks. She had sent her film review of 'Paris When it Sizzles' last week, but heard nothing from her after that. He called, straight to voicemail. He texted, no reply. He emailed, nothing. He knew she got the book, because this was the punishment she was giving him, silence. And he hated it. But he didn't want to give up. How could he give up on the only thing he could think about? So he would grit his teeth and bear through it, like only Dan Humphrey could. Finally, he convinced himself to just stop caring. Trying to stop caring about Blair Waldorf was like trying to stop breathing. It killed him, but this was the price he had to pay for making his feelings known. She didn't love him back, and she never would.
...
Oh Lonely boy, things just got a whole hell of a lot more lonely, didn't they?
Don't worry, maybe the Queen will trade in a palace for a loft.
A prince for a pauper.
xoxo
...
She had finished the book half an hour ago, but she was still sitting in the same position with the same expression on her face. The book had thrown her for a loop. The bitchy best friend became the protagonist. As she put herself on the line for her friends, nearly died when she had her heart broken, and came out a resilient version of herself. In the end of the book, precisely pages 180-205, the pages Gossip Girl shared as her favorite part, David declared his unwavering feelings towards Audrey. 25 pages of "David" saying everything he likes about "Audrey" and how he is irrevocably, unrestainably, in love with everything about her. She thought of the quote in her head, "You show me everything good in the world. With one smile, you bring the sun out of the clouds and I feel like I can breathe again, just because you looked at me." Tears started to slowly form in her eyes as she bit her lips and closed her eyes. She felt so many different emotions coursing through her veins. Her heart rate sped up as she tried to catch her breath and the tears falling from her eyes. She was angry at Dan. Not because of what he said, but because he hadn't said it a lot sooner. If this is how he feels why can't he just tell me? She was confused. And one thought sent shivers down her spine and a fluttering in her stomach: I think I love him. She then got a sick feeling in her stomach as she looked around her marvelous room, in this glorious palace, that belonged to her fiance and his family. She gazed down at the tremendous rock that was fashioned on her finger. She gulped, either way someone's heart is going to be broken. She sighed and hoped she was right about this, or the person with the broken heart would be her.
...
He was laying on his couch watching Rosemary's Baby for the third time this week, when he heard his computer ding. He wasn't anxious to get to it, somehow knowing that it wouldn't be Blair. But his curiosity peaked him, since everyone on the Upper East Side, besides Nate, was freezing him out, he decided to go see who emailed him. He nearly passed out when he saw her name flash across his computer screen. In the subject line it said, "The Inside review". He couldn't open it fast enough. There he saw an immense blow by blow of his book. She criticized the plot line as "unrelatable", and his characters as "far-fetched" and "unrealistic." With the ending being "lack-luster" and "disappointing." His heart felt ripped to pieces. She had read the book, and didn't make the connection, or she just didn't care. He had basically put his heart down on paper, just to watch her rip it up. He felt his heart beat through his chest and he almost closed the email without reading the very last line of the review:
I love you too, Humphrey.
...