It's my birthday today, and I usually try to keep hobbit tradition and give/post a gift of a story.

This week has not been a normal one in Supernatural fandom, however. I spent a lot of Thursday night crying. And they were traumatized tears, not cathartic ones.

I understand the symmetry of the finale: Dean picked up Sam in the pilot and leaves him in the finale, only to find him again at the end. And it shows their growth, that they are capable of surviving the other's loss now, and even finding joy on their own. It embodies the very notion of "carrying on."

But that is the impersonal writer's view of a fitting end for a story. It's not about what you wish for people you love like family.

It was good to see Sam and Dean together at the end; Kripke's original vision of the finale had Sam eternally in the Cage. I'm glad their family name and legacy lives on, and that Heaven is now a place of joy and peace shared, not a pale imitation of the past. Presumably Jack tied up all those pesky loose ends, too, like Heaven being closed after Metatron's spell and running out of power and souls being trapped in the Veil. And Bobby, who apparently has been in Heaven jail for the last five years, which I'd hoped was not so but apparently was.

What Dabb, Singer & co. don't seem to get, though, is that none of that erases the tragedy of Sam having to "bury" his brother and live for decades without him, the one person who knows his past and gets it in a way no supportive wife, child, or friend could. Nor does it balance the sadness that Dean didn't get the same, that he never got to put his feet up on that beach, or have his own little Sammy. He deserved peace and to be done here on Earth, too.

And, for goodness sake, why didn't they just shoot all those vamps with dead man's blood-treated bullets?

So I am not at peace with the ending. It was neither original nor satisfying. It left me hurting, and after fifteen years of fannish devotion, I deserved better, too.

I am a canon writer, however. I don't do a/u's, or even speculative fic. Canon to me is What Happened. So where do I go from here?

Well, how about a few little…alternative ways to see the ending? I don't know which is my 'verse's true ending, but take your pick: they all let me think of a future that doesn't mean years of suffering for Sam. Maybe they'll help you, too.

And if you think of another, let me know and I might add that to the list, too.

Happy birthday to me.

-KHK