It had been a month since he'd been back in Hogwarts… back within the familiar walls that had once felt like home to him but now…now they just felt like a prison. Hogwarts was a prison that he desperately wanted to escape just so that he could with Tom again…
He needed him…
Some days the need was so overwhelming that he had to fight tooth and nail just to get himself out of bed and act like nothing was wrong…like he wasn't falling apart at the seams…like death didn't seem like a better alternative to this meaningless existence.
Tom should have just killed him.
He should have just taken his life like he'd taken the Magpie's life. It would have been better than this… Anything would have been better than this.
"Harry…"
He looked up from the book he'd been pretending to read and met Neville's gaze,
"Hey, Neville."
Neville twisted his hands and fidgeted so Harry knew he had something he wanted to say, he was just nervous about it,
"You can say anything you want."
Neville sighed as he took a seat opposite him,
"Its Professor Moody… Don't you think that today's lecture was a bit excessive?"
Harry leaned back in his chair… He'd been mildly surprised that Moody had managed to return to teach DADA again. That was definitely something considering that no one had managed to hold that seat for more than a year…something about the seat being jinxed or something.
Today's lecture had been exceptional though… Moody had been teaching them all about spells that could do some serious damage in a duel and Harry had found himself to be quite riveted when he'd practically demonstrated the spells on a bunch of rats.
He understood why Neville was bothered by it though and maybe he would have been bothered as well if he hadn't met Tom or fallen in love with him.
"I think it could be useful in a duel."
Neville looked at him like he'd lost his mind…Which was true,
"Those spells were borderline destructive, Harry… Besides its not like You know who is ever coming back so we won't have to use them."
Harry felt a jolt in his stomach as he struggled to keep his face neutral before replying,
"We should always be prepared for the worst… Just look at what happened to Cedric…"
His voice broke and he became silent but apparently it was enough to put Neville's mind at ease as he got up and patted him on the shoulder,
"Thanks mate… I guess I hadn't thought of it from that perspective."
He picked book back up and spoke,
"No problem."
Once Neville was gone, he went back to staring at the pages of the book as his thoughts wandered off yet again… He was such an imposter… He could have told Neville that Voldemort was back. He could have told him that he was planning on taking over the magical world but he hadn't... He couldn't…
Shaking his head, he closed the book… He couldn't think anymore… Getting up to his feet, he brushed off the grass from his robes as he decided to head towards the dormitory. Ron and Hermione were probably waiting to ambush him there because that's what they always did these days. Even though he tried his damndest to act normal around them and talk to them and spend time with them like he'd once had… It just wasn't possible anymore because every time he tried… he felt like he was bloody well suffocating. He wasn't their Harry anymore… He was Tom's….
He was just passing the entrance hall when Professor Moody barked out,
"Potter… I would like to have a word with you in my office."
Harry sighed silently… It was like Dumbledore had put Moody in charge of checking up on him after every couple of days… He hated those conversations…Absolutely loathed them…
Nonetheless, he followed Moody to his office and took a seat in the chair that he usually sat on as Moody closed the door and clunked his way to his seat,
"So, Potter… What did you think of today's lesson?"
Harry sat up straight but kept his gaze focused in his lap as he spoke,
"It was very interesting, Sir."
Moody scoffed,
"It was supposed to be interesting, Potter. That is not the reply that I was looking for."
Harry finally looked up and inquired as respectfully as possible,
"What response are you looking for then, Sir?"
Moody leaned closer to him,
"Would you use those spells if you were duelling The Dark Lord?"
Harry couldn't help but inhale sharply as he struggled to come up with a reply.
No… A thousand times no because he knew that he would never duel Tom again… If it ever came to that he would just surrender himself to his will rather than use his wand.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and spoke softly,
"I can't answer that unless I find myself in that situation."
Moody barked out a laugh as he slammed his hand on the table,
"A very diplomatic reply, Potter… I was expecting you to express your desire to use those spells against him in a duel…Considering you're The Boy who Lived."
Harry lowered his gaze again,
"I think that I should no longer be referred to by that title."
Moody rose to his feet and asked,
"And why is that?"
Harry shook his head,
"I just don't like it."
Moody wooden leg clunked noisily as he came to stand behind him and then Harry felt his hands on his shoulders… There was something oddly comforting about his touch,
"Like it or not, Potter… You're stuck with it."
Harry felt his shoulders slump as he closed his eyes,
"Why am I here, Professor?"
Moody squeezed his shoulders gently,
"Because I need to know that you're doing well."
Something about the way Moody squeezed his shoulder made him want to cry and blurt out all his deepest darkest secrets but he couldn't… He couldn't do that…
"I'm fine, Professor."
Moody's hands vanished from his shoulders and Harry instantly wished for them to be back,
"Should you ever feel like you're falling apart, you know where to find me, Potter."
Harry rose to his feet feeling a little disoriented by the last statement. Why would Moody care about him that much? Why would his touch bring him so much comfort?
Before he could contemplate anymore, a knock on the door interrupted him,
"Thanks, Professor."
Moody opened the door and Harry came face to face with Snape, who looking a little paler than usual. Snape watched him as he exited the office and spoke curtly,
"I hope I was not interrupting anything."
Moody shook his head,
"No, you're right on time, Severus."
Snape disappeared into Moody's office and Moody spoke,
"You can trust me, Potter… I want you to remember that."
And with that Moody shut the door as Harry turned around and continued towards the cemetery.