Ch 1

Jake didn't call me back for 2 weeks, 2 weeks! I didn't know what to do. I was sitting in the car after my last attempt at visiting with Jake. He spurned me, just as that "family" did. Then as all movies in the saddest parts, where you hear the worst news and feel the lousiest, it rained. Drenched for hours. As if the moon and stars knew life sucked out all the joy out of me and responded in kind. After banging on his door, and after Sam and his gang left after our confrontation, I was left alone, deserted in the rain for what seemed an eternity. In reality it was only five minutes, but those five minutes changed the rest of my life.

It was a providential moment, where the world shifts on you and lets you fall. You couldn't go back even if you wanted to. The universe has been yelling for a while, only I couldn't hear it until now, 'this world is not for you'. I made it home by some miracle. I couldn't even see past my tears. I don't remember if I even stopped at those stop signs or lights. How did I get home? Auto-pilot driving must've kicked in.

Sitting in this beloved, old, and rusty truck, the truck that Jake had fixed up for me. I thought with a shudder. Nothing in my world was mine anymore. Ed- and Jake had stolen what I thought was mine, only I was living in borrowed time, allowed entry temporarily. Not even my truck was mine. I looked at the time, 2:30am. How long have I been sitting out here? I was still in my damp clothes and I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. I felt numb, I didn't feel cold or anger or pain; just numb. I took several deep breaths and blew my nose. I quietly opened the door. Charlie must be conked out. The house was still as I walked up the creaky stairs. I didn't want to wake him, so I just quickly changed my clothes and climbed into bed. Sleep never came.

My mind whirled all night; plans, possibilities, and things Charlie had said when he didn't think I was listening. I had been in that zombie mode at that time, but the words still stuck. "Renee, I don't know what to do; she doesn't respond to anything or anyone. I don't know what to do..." Then Charlie started crying softly. "What do you mean? Have her go to you, aren't you always traveling?... We will keep thinking, bye Renee".

My alarm went off. I wasn't the least bit tired. I was still piecing together thoughts, fragments of thoughts, movie plots, and thinking about Pride and Prejudice quotes. After a quick shower and cramming dry toast in my mouth. I quickly scanned Charlie's note "Early shift Bells, covering for someone, have a good day." Ah, that made sense. I'm just glad Charlie or someone else didn't see my miserable moment last night.

"Did you hear that Anthony Willis and June Mccalister got together last week? I'm ticked, I had my eye on him. She doesn't even have class with him!" complained Jessica as she put both her hands on her temples and leaned forward, elbows resting on the table.

"I'm sure they met outside of school Jess," replied Angela, gently patting her shoulder. Always the optimist, I really admired that about her. I felt eyes resting on me, waiting for me to react. I glanced on both sides of me, sighing internally. I really must be a wreck if people think I would lose it over hearing about others dating in the world.

"Guys, I'm fine, really. Good for them. June once lent me her notes last year, she's nice," I commented. Hoping that would satisfy them and put them at ease, I took a small bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich and watched as they relaxed. and moved on to other topics while Mike complained about the five page paper that was just assigned. Phew, good, that was enough to settle their worries for now. My life was really a mess. I didn't want people to tip toe around me like this again.

I vowed silently over the next few classes that I would make some changes, big changes. Who I am was not enough, and I didn't like myself right now. I don't think others really liked me either. Otherwise Ed-, the Cullen's, and Jake would have stayed in my life. I was mediocre, boring, and a major disappointment. I put Charlie through considerable stress, and I noticed a few more gray hairs on his head last week. I can't do this to him, Charlie has always been kind to me. He let me stay here even after my "episode" last year resulting in a broken leg. He deserved a better daughter. I needed to be better.

Where do I start? As I drove home from school, I looked at everything around me. This school, that empty seat next to me in classes, my room. It all reminded me of those people and the soon to be past me. That empty seat next to me in school was filled with ghostly and tormenting memories. I couldn't be near it anymore. I sat in my bed staring at my room. Ed- sat in that chair when I had the flu and stayed with me until I fell asleep. I spilled nail polish on that spot on the corner when Alice would come over for "girls night". My computer reminded me of when I first discovered vampires. Nothing, nothing at all was free of them. I had nothing I wanted anymore. Not my drab clothes, or my rusty truck, or the twenty-four gold carat necklace he gave me for Christmas last year. It was hanging from my bulletin board above my computer.

I spotted something in the corner of my eye, below the necklace: envelopes. School acceptance letters. I received them last week but didn't bother to look at them. I was finally going to ride those motorcycles with Jake, I didn't care about anything else. I really was self-absorbed. Even those bikes were all about me and not for Jake's enjoyment. I used him. No wonder he doesn't want to hang out with me either; I don't blame him. A wise move on his part.

I walked over and picked up the handful of formally ignored envelopes from the desk. Four schools accepted me. In my haste after my zombie time, Charlie was asking me about schools and my plans for the future. I fibbed and concocted that I had applied to five schools already. I spent all night writing and filling out forms. I chose schools where there would be a guarantee there that there wouldn't be any vampires. Hot, humid, and only sunny places such as New Mexico, two in California, Georgia, and Arizona. Only Arizona refused me, ironic as that state also chewed me up and spit me out as well. "Let's see…" I mused out loud as I read each letter. "Starts in September, September, oh. This school is early admission...partial scholarship... Perfect!" I practically shouted the last word. Perfect, perfect, perfect! This is the change I need. Something new and different. Not here. New Mexico it was going to be, I felt a change inside myself; a bubbling excitement in my chest. I felt something other than the numbness and that was to be celebrated. I scanned the rest of the letter. Two weeks, the semester started in two weeks. I think I was covered but needed to make sure I had enough credits to graduate early. I would do that tomorrow. Then I would tell Charlie...speaking of which…

"Bells, you home?" He called.

"Yes dad, I'm in my room. I can get started with dinner now," I called out. I put my long hair into a ponytail and tucked the acceptance letters underneath my pillow. I was excited. I needed this change. I didn't know anything about New Mexico beyond the capitol of it. I didn't research this school at all. As I dumped the spaghetti in the boiling water and stirred the sauce, I thought about all the things I needed to do. There was so much. First, I needed to clean out my room of all reminders of them, of Jake, and most of my things. All the outfits I wore on dates, hanging out in Jake's garage. I was going to sell that necklace for some traveling money, it should be enough for a plane ticket. I was definitely going to get rid of that red dress Alice made me wear to that vapid and obligatory birthday party. Honestly, have they never been around someone with a papercut in Highschool in a hundred years? I couldn't have been the first one. Shaking my head with my heart growing heavy, I couldn't think about them anymore.

The water was nearly bubbling over and I quickly took it off the burner before I made a mess. The noodles were ready. I was washing the dishes when Charlie came in his comfy clothing. He perked up at the sight of dinner. Spaghetti and meatballs was one of his favorite meals, however simple it was.

"Looks Good Bella," Charlie commented.

"Thanks Dad. How was your shift, did you do a double shift today?" I asked.

"Yeah, Dave was sick, but he will be fine tomorrow. I'm starved." Charlie said as he dug into the pot and heaped a helping onto his plate. I yawned as I served myself, my lack of sleep was catching up to me. "Tired Bella?"

"I didn't get much sleep last night, no biggie." I replied. Correction, I didn't get any. But at least I didn't have a nightmare. "I think I will head to bed early though."

"Sounds good, Bells." said Charlie.

I sat in the counselor's office staring at Mrs. Glider go through my transcripts, letters of recommendation, and my acceptance letter. She would make a 'tsk' sound every now and then a "uh huh" and "ah" sounds softly every so often. I was getting nervous. I was tapping my toe while I was trying to breathe normally. Her ceiling had 42 tiles. She cleared her throat. Finally! "Well, Miss Swan, most everything seems to be in order. The only thing missing is your English class credit but we can have you take your final now, seeing as you are doing so well in the class. We will have to do it very soon, as your semester date begins shortly. Does tomorrow work or is that too soon? You can take it during the lunch hour." She asked.

"Yes, yes it does. Tomorrow is just fine. Where will I be taking it? " I replied quickly. Phew, this was going to work. I could leave in two weeks. I wasn't worried about the final. I had read the remainder of the recommended reading book list last month as a way to keep my mind busy and off of certain topics.

After she had given me the details, I shook her hand and closed the door. I smiled to myself as I took a deep breath and walked to my last class. The action felt foreign to my face. I must've had a permanent frown for months now. All during class I made lists of what I needed to do. A column for cleaning out my room, one for school tasks such as getting a dorm room, school supplies, books, signing up for classes, picking a major; and the last column for miscellaneous things. Oh. I didn't know what major to pick. I had put no thought into this, at all. I didn't need to then, because my hopes and life plans were completely different now. Shards of my shattered dream pierced my heart. "Breath Bella, Breath." Probably just English, right? What else did I even like? What did I even want to do? "Relax Bella, one step at a time," I reminded myself. I forced my shoulder to relax and drop, and took a deep breath. I didn't do that enough. I half-heartedly took notes for the rest of the class to take my mind off my eternal life journey I wanted before. That plan that had been entirely cut short... I didn't really need this history class now, anyways. Good thing, as I didn't take in much of what was said.

The bell rang and I rushed to my locker, my mind back to my to do lists rotating in my thoughts. I heard Mike bounding up to me with Erik close behind as I reached my locker. They both spoke at the same time.

"Bella, would you go to Mikes_my_party with me?" with hopeful faces. I could only stare, my mind going down the negative thought train to the sham of what I've made of my life. It always has been a sham, even before I moved to Forks. In a defeated sigh I finally asked the question I've had since I moved here.

"Why?"

"What?" Erik recovered enough to answer.

"Yes, why ask me? There is nothing particularly special about me." I repeated the phrase that's been inundating my brain. They looked at eachother with disbelief and sputtered out several half answers. "Well...you see...we…"

I sighed as I turned to my locker and dumped all my books except the English ones. Even Mike couldn't give an answer while answering it perfectly. A silent sob started making an entrance in my throat. "I'm sorry guys, I'm probably not going. Happy Birthday, Mike. " I managed to clip out before I showed my true feelings. I quickly shut my locker and ran to my truck. As I sat in the safety confines of my own truck, a sob escaped and tears flowed. I hated crying. I held my arms across my chest and lowered my head. I held myself tight as I tried to regain control. A loneliness seared through my racing heart.

That night I shifted between studying and combing through my clothes, but I couldn't focus on either task. The fact got clearer and clearer as I went on. I had terrible clothes. They were boring and most of the items I had were several years old. I guess when you have an aversion to shopping combined with no fashion sense, this is the result. My weight was pretty miniscule right now, so most of it was too big on me. I looked like the bag lady. I was tempted to throw it all out but I needed to keep some things. The only things that looked half-way decent Alice got for me and I wasn't going to keep those. I shook my head as I bagged the worst of the clothes and put them in the trash can. I had a decent brain so I wasn't too worried about my test. I was more concerned of what I was going to tell Charlie about my move to New Mexico. I mailed in my acceptance letter after school and was officially in.