Ch 7
We spent the rest of the week after the competition cleaning our small dorm for inspection because the deposits were going to get returned. I spent an entire day holed up in the library choosing my next set of classes. As I looked at the English classes, I couldn't bring myself to select one. I don't think I wanted that major. Which brings the next question, what did I want to choose? I had no idea. I did pick an art drawing class and unfortunately a math class.
Kris's cell phone rang when Kris and I ate at Owl Café again. I didn't have one, so he called Kris's. "Hey Dad"
"Are you coming home for spring break? You have that off between semesters, don't you?"
"Uh.." Shoot. No, I can't go back, not now. I've just gained momentum! "No, actually me and my friend are doing our own thing." Kris's eyebrows raised. I put my hands in a prayer pose and mouthed 'please'. She rolled her eyes and mouthed 'dork' while putting her thumb up in answer. Yes!
"Oh, where are you going to go?"
"I don't know yet, we are still figuring it out."
"Miss you Kiddo"
"You too Dad."
"Don't forget to call your Mom at some point too." Whoops. I honestly haven't thought about her at all. Instead of saying the honest statement in my brain, I just lamented while unconsciously putting my hand through my hair. Oh, Renee.
"Will do". I handed back her phone.
"So where are we going?" Kris teased, putting a fry in her mouth.
"I don't care as long as it's somewhere sunny" I answered. A vampire-free place please.
In our free week we made our way to the Santa Fe area. It was far away enough to be different and close enough it wouldn't take ages to get there. I learned that I needed the melatonin and natural sleep aids. I forgot to bring them and barely slept for three days. The series of events led me to crash insanely early while Kris went to a dancing club without me, not that I minded. She tried to convince me to come but I was so tired I fell asleep doing the dishes and nearly flooded the tiny motel kitchen.
The Lensic Performing Arts Center and the Museum of Contemporary Native Arts were incredible. I've never been a tourist before. I made sure to get gifts for Charlie and Renee. Kris had a thing for beautiful landscape views, so that was a must. As I just discovered my competitive side; Kris bet me I couldn't sing Karaoke solo. As much I really did not want to sing, there was no way I wanted to lose the bet. I stunk and missed a line of lyrics that went blurry on me; she, however, rocked 'I wanna dance with somebody'. Why didn't she sing more?
The more I discovered about her, the more questions I had. I wasn't exactly an open book either. This stalemate continued of "being curious and wanting answers" versus "not wanting the conversation to happen so that I'm asked questions."
A few weeks in the semester Kris was lazily eating toast while reading the paper. I was filling out busywork class worksheets, irksome things. She stood up, knocking down the plates and breaking them in the process. She didn't notice. She stared intently at a page. "Wha-" My question was stopped before it even started.
"That bastard!" She shouted, crumbled up the newspaper, grabbed her bag and left. I was left with a big mess and wonderment.
The next day, Kris was showing me she could now do laundry. "I separate the whites and colors, softener, detergent here and here," demonstrating with her hands as spoke. "Did I miss anything?"
"Nope, unless there was a grass stain or ink stain, then those spots need special attention." As I spoke, Kris mentally filed the new information and started the machines.
"I can now do laundry, dishes, mopping, and the bathroom sink," she reviewed. "I still need to learn how to clean the tub, and what cleaning products we used for the mopping water and the bathroom cleaner spray." I nodded.
"You also need to learn how to change the vacuum bag. Our vacuum is ancient and broken, so it's not one to practice on." It was as old as Charlie, and smelled awful.
"Can you teach me to make pancakes, eggs, and cookies next?" She asked as she checked her list.
"Sure thing, what kind?" She in turn helped me with math, a necessary evil. A little after our clothes were drying I had no motivation to do more homework.
Her mood still hadn't returned to normal from the kitchen outburst earlier and I didn't know how to help. With Doogie it was best to ignore the mood swings, not the best way but I survived. A punching bag appeared the other day. It was her way of dealing with her past hurts and I supported it because our dishes were preserved. Her other outlet was paradoxical to punching something, although I admit It was fun to do and used it myself sometimes. She was taking a yoga class where she could become certified at the end of the semester. Kris had done yoga at least once a week last semester and maybe even before we met.
I laid in bed thinking about her outlets and wondered about mine. Did I really have any? I had archery now and I found out there was an archery club on campus. That was superlative news! Besides that...I had my walks and I hung out with our neighbors or Grace on the weekends. It wasn't enough, I needed more. I needed to be completely occupied. I still felt a little humdum and boring in general, and I felt I needed somehow to become more in order to give my new life and name substance. It was finally 2am when I glanced at the clock and I needed to sleep so I could stay awake in my humanities class.
I came home from my day of classes wiped out. Keeping my eyes open was incredibly difficult. As I didn't have a laptop, I had to spend all night in the library. I wanted to crash on my bed and not move for hours. My plan was ruined when I couldn't find my keys. "Shoot." I freed my hair and exhaled, the pony tail it was in was falling out. I only hoped my keys were somewhere in my dorm. "Please be home, please be home" I chanted to myself as I knocked on the door. Kris's face looked perky and happy today. That was nice. "Oh marvelous, you're finally home," she said while she pulled me in. A chocolate cake and takeout, as she couldn't really cook yet, were on the table. I looked around and noticed she had gotten some "Happy Birthday" balloons as well. My internal impulse was to groan. Wait, it wasn't my birthday.
"It's your birthday?" I asked.
"Yes!" she beamed. "And I got us dinner and my favorite cake. I wanted to celebrate". I smiled and nodded; I'd do anything to help her.
"Sorry for taking so long at the library, I would've come home sooner if I'd known." I apologized. She waved an acceptance with her hand.
"What's for dinner?" I was starving.
"A few pasta dishes and breadsticks. I thought we could have a little of each."
"Sure, I'm game." I opened the first container. "Ooh, I love a good fettuccine." We both dug in and chatted. "These are amazing breadsticks. Where are they from?"
"I know, incredible. It was the first time I tried this place. I'm putting them on the list." The food takeout list was growing. "I have cake and ice cream!" She pulled out the mentioned items and utensils.
"Oh, I don't like chocolate. I'll have the ice cream though," I said as I grabbed the lighter for the candles.
"Really? That's crazy, practically unheard of." I chuckled. Out of the many weird things in my life, this was the least craziest thing.
"I know." I was used to this reaction. Jessica didn't let this go for months. I handed her the lighter so she could do the honors.
"How can you hate chocolate? What don't you like about it?"
"I can't explain it. Shall we sing?" I asked. And I couldn't. I've never had it before but there was an instinctual feeling I shouldn't have it. I could've done with this simplified party we had all my life. Renee threw me huge parties but I hated them. One year I just hid in my room the whole time when she invited the entire 5th grade class. After that she kept it to a minimum but demanded I do something memorable; bragable. I won't even think about my 17th birthday. But this, I could handle. I relaxed and ate ice cream while I watched her be filled with joy with her simply decorated cake. It was just a thin layer of white frosting with "Happy Birthday" on it.
The next morning I was eating oatmeal with brown sugar while Kris ate her cake for breakfast. It looked like she had never done that before.
"Want to try some?".
"What?" I asked.
"Maybe you'll like chocolate now, if it's been a while. I didn't like avocados until recently." It was sound logic.
"I don't know..." I had a bad feeling. I glanced at her and caved. I took a hesitant bite and immediately regretted it. As soon as I swallowed the chocolate lake I felt my throat get itchy and getting air was difficult. An itchy stabbing feeling came in my whole back and torso. I tried to take a deep breath but failed. I put my hands to my throat and started to panic.
"Oh no, what have I done?!" Kris looked at me with immense guilt as she fumbled for the phone and called 911. "Yes, hi. My friend is having an allergic reaction..."
I was fully recovered a few days afterwards. I now had an EpiPen at home. I was in the library with my math study group. Kris felt endlessly guilt-ridden and I tried to talk her down. I didn't want her to hang on to this and I held no hard feelings. I wasn't consciously aware about the allergy before, so I couldn't blame her. I could've been more firm and assertive about what I knew in my heart. She agreed finally to cease with the endless apologies if she tutored my math group. I didn't remind her that she was going to help me anyways.
"When undertaking the differentiation under the power rule, the coefficient of each item of your polynomials will be multiplied by the exponent. The exponent will now be reduced by one. It's a simple case of y=x^3 plus 2x^2, its derivative will be y^=3x^2 plus 4x," Kris explained. I kind of understood while the other two in my group looked lost. We were completely hopeless without her. I gave the problem another go while some arrived at the table. He was one of Kris's non-relationships, Kris never used the word boyfriend or relationship. They were always dates or friends, but no one ever has lasted more than two dates so far. Kris never even kissed them unless she saw them for more than three dates. I only know that because one of them tried to kiss her and she dodged and ran inside. Once she locked the door her ramblings began.
Her "friend" Tony..Jack..Mikey...what was his name again? "Afternoon, Will, what brings you to the library today?" Ah yes, that was it.
"Just finished up a group assignment. Tutoring?" He eyed us condescendingly while he fixed his posture and posed. I rolled my eyes as I looked at my paper. Kris looked annoyed, her smile thinned out.
"I happen to like tutoring. Do you remember my roommate Marie? These are her classmates." she pointed out.
"Hm yes, yes." He spoke with a nonchalant tone, only looking at his phone. "Well, anyways I'm going to a party tonight, want to come?" Her eyes looked a little lost in memory when they flashed. Uh oh. This guy had no idea how many nights she had been punching her designated bag. She'd been on edge lately.
"No thanks. I'll pass. I've got something more exciting to do tonight. Bye" She stood and picked up her books "Good job guys, we'll meet next week; same time same place." I hurried to catch up to her.
"What exciting thing are you doing tonight?" I asked.
"I want to learn how to bake brownies, want to help? I wanted to try blondies too, and you could have those." She'd calmed down by the time we left the building. She really thought baking with me was better than a party? My tensioned heart melted a little.
I smiled as I said "I'm in, blondies are delicious." I had just put in both pans. "Now we just need to wait fifteen to twenty minutes and we can feast on sugar" I pronounced as I clapped my hands and started in on the dishes.
"Do you think Will knows I don't want to date him?" Kris asked me.
"Hmm, I'm not sure. He looked a little dense about being rejected. " Kris nodded as she considered that.
"Alright, I'll tell him straight out if I need to." She sighed and sat down and rubbed her temples. "It would be amazing if we married twins."
I turned the water off and turned around. "What?"
"They could be identical, except for something small like the colors of eyes or hair. They would need to be slightly different personalities. I don't see us falling for the same one." She laughed.
"That's true." I sat down and thought about it. "I'd like kindly green eyes."
"Then I'll go for brown or blue." Kris decided.
"Green eyes are more rare but it could happen." I said, more to myself. I checked the brownies and put a toothpick in it, almost done. "What if they each had green and brown eyes?" I said as I laughed.
"What, they each had two different colored eyes? That certainly would make them unique."
"Maybe one of them would love brownies and hate blondies." I suggested.
"Ha, then the brownie hater would be your guy. Match made in heaven." I controlled my facial expression and hoped I ended up with a nonchalant look with a shrug. The other option was I looked pained with a grimace. Even the idea of dating anyone was just plain weird.
"It would be convenient on dessert night." Kris looked amused at my comment.
"What day would dessert night be?" She grinned. "Because I'm coming over too." The timer went off. "Speaking of desserts.."
I felt antsy. I successfully kept busy all day until nighttime. I drummed my fingers at the kitchen table as I stared vacantly at my homework. I just took a terrible math test today and was petered out of school work. Old English books just didn't hold my interest these days, which was puzzling. I couldn't get enough of them in my adolescent years. Kris came out of the room in her yoga clothes. An idea came in as words tumbled out. "Can I go with you?"
"Really, you want to?" her eyebrows raised.
"Yes, I do. Although I don't have leggings like you, what should I wear?" This question was a recurring one.
In art class we had learned enough to have a free assignment. We just needed to use the basic components somehow. There was always some cd playing in the background when we drew our assignments, and today it was Frank Sinatra. Renee and Charlie weren't into music, so anything they played was new for me. Doogie was the only person I knew who was passionate about the subject. To me, there was a lot of dissonance in the music, especially in the first week of the class. I could barely concentrate and it hounded my nerves with a jumpy affect. But now I didn't notice anymore. I even liked half the songs.
I, however, did not regret clawing out the cd player in the rusty truck. I've had hours to think about it in class and I finally came to a reason why I committed this defacement. They never asked me. I did not desire or wish for the cd player in the first place and I would have rejected the gift. I might have let them replace it with something else, but sadly that chance never saw the light of day. They pushed my opinion firmly out of the way and chose on my behalf. That was quickly becoming a pet peeve of mine. Tension in my shoulders, short of breath...breathe Marie. I need a new topic in this brain, a new thought neuropathway. I scanned the room for something, anything.
Perfect, my neighbor was drawing an exact replica of the gazebo in the courtyard. "That is amazing, the likeness is so similar. Is that from memory?". Her cheeks blazed red but smiled.
"Uh, yeah. I have a photographic memory. That's why I'm majoring in art." she said shyly.
"If you don't have a camera then you could still show others the image." I said thoughtfully. That would be handy.
"Yeah, plus I'd like to draw more than famous bridges and arches. I would draw and paint hole-in-the-wall restaurants, gardens, and less well-known cultural architecture. And — sorry, I got carried away, didn't I?" She stopped herself while furiously erasing something.
"No, not at all. That would be really interesting. You could do a lot with that. There are a lot of common but beautiful things people don't notice." I thought about it as I said it. There could be a lot of art books about unseen things in big cities, small towns, anything really. I would buy them. Perhaps I could mention that to her later.
My comment encouraged her as her facial expression looked hopeful. We began to talk while we drew. She was drawing the notches perfectly. We hit a quiet moment right when the words of a song crashed into my ears.
"It's funny how you loved me, then forgot so suddenly. It's funny to everyone but me. They told me this would happen, now they're laughing secretly. It's funny to everyone but me. I should shrug my shoulders and say good riddance to a bad affair. But, how can I do what my head tells me to. When my heart tells me how much I care. It's so funny I still love you, It's the joke of the century. It's funny to everyone but me."
The song had moved on but these words swirled around with windblown hair and numb hands.
"Are you okay?" Brooke asked with a concerned look on her face. I don't know what look my face landed on but it must've been ghastly. I was surprised to find tears on my cheek.
"Uh hm I— " I cleared my throat. I tried again. " Well—" Screw lying, I was tired of it. "No. But I'm better than I was before. Sorry, the lyrics—" I wiped away my tears and did the deep breathing yoga class taught me.
"I think I understand, It's hard when lyrics remind us of something difficult."
My throat relaxed. "That is the mark of a great and timeless song," I quipped. She nodded and looked at me kindly for a moment, but not in a way that she pitied me. The pitying look is what I received in Forks. Her look was one of camaraderie rather than judgment. I really would buy her art books.
I did not want to cook today. My hair had been hastily swept into a short ponytail at the moment. It had been a long week full of accidently sleeping in, being late for a test, tongue biting, and getting paper cuts in the most annoying places. After our group got dismissed by our auburn hair math tutor, Kris and I were both starving. "Let's go eat out. I want a burger or something similar. " Her stomach answered for her. We just went to a cheap local place.
While waiting for the food Kris was fiddling with her hands. She seemed… well, her week was full of sunburns, burning her attempted baking items and her wrist in the process, losing her favorite earrings and pens, and on Wednesday she ended up wearing two different shoes all day. Needless to say, we were both in a tizzy. I looked down at her hands and saw that her usual fake nails had mostly fallen off. It surprised me to see her nails all bitten down to the max. Two of her fingers had Band-Aids on them. Her smile glanced at me, looking strained. I didn't notice it earlier but her face looked a little blotchy. I didn't have the energy to even return the smile. Ever since art class, it's been taking a while to get to sleep. Last night I ended up getting out of bed and did some textbook reading and fell asleep on the couch. She didn't feel like talking, instead just put her head on my shoulder while we waited.
As we ate, I remembered something. "Didn't you have plans tonight?"
"I did but I cancelled them." she replied vaguely.
"Well if you want, I was just going to watch a movie at Grace's. You could come." I looked away on purpose, while I took another bite of my burger. It took a minute for her to reply.
"What movie?"
"Breakfast at Tiffany's"
'Oh! Audrey Hepburn, I love her." Her smile increased a tiny bit.
"We've been rotating through her movies lately and similar people." I explained.
"I love that era! When I was little I wanted to dance like Grace Kelly."
"Or tap dance like Shirley Temple?"
"Hah, exactly," she replied.
"Well as long as you don't faint, like when Judy Garland did when making the Wizard of Oz."
"Did she really?" She was now forgetting to be sad and looked more her normal self.
"Yeah, I don't envy her life. I watched a documentary on her when I lived with my mom."
"Did you live with your Mom or Dad first? I don't remember."
"My mother, She has Phil now." Kris nodded. It was time to change the topic off me now. "I always loved watching 'White Christmas' and 'Singing in the Rain,'" I said.
"That song 'Make them laugh' goes on for ages though. I usually skip that part." I nodded in agreement. "Great movie though."
"It's weird to think that Debbie Reynolds is Princess Leia's mom." I was floored when I discovered that. We both got out of our bad moods and talked about old movies for a while. I didn't know we had that in common. We were going to rent the movie "Gaslight" next.
I've gone to yoga twice now. I liked it. I wasn't very flexible but I was assured that would come in time. We had finished midterms when Kris announced as she bribed me with grilled cheese sandwiches that she needed a guinea pig to teach for the remainder of the semester for her final. I agreed as I needed the practice and I saw how much it made her happy. It also filled up any remaining overthinking time I had open, which was half the goal. Despite the rough patches, I thought things were going well overall with all the changes, and that we had been stretched and been progressing for six months. There is always more and I was still a bit naïve. There was only a certain amount of time before a false sense of security would collapse, leaving you in a mess of chaos yet again.