Ch 8

I haven't had that many nightmares and I have not awakened Kris so far, but this night was the mother of all nightmares. It's as if all the little ones had combined into this enormous dream. I saw flashes of vampires and wolves both attacking me at the same time. I had nowhere to run to and when I tried but my legs were so weak and heavy. I couldn't go anywhere. I crawled but got pounced on, not sure by who. I was suddenly covered in sticky goo and it was choking and squeezing me. I couldn't move. A wolf and a blank-faced Edward both stared at my inches from my face with blood lust in their eyes about to bite me. They were holding onto my legs and arms tightly. I lost all feeling in my limbs. I knew I was dying. I heard the words "Stay out. Go away. Leave," they shouted as they both roughly pushed me off a cliff. Incredible pain from my heart and body intensified as my heart beat frantically and screamed.

I woke up screaming and thrashing. I was sweating and I couldn't breathe. My hands and feet were asleep. I hyperventilated until I felt a hand on my back and a voice telling me to breathe and soothing my hair. I couldn't register who it was yet. The images of my falling to my death were still flashing in my eye. I felt a hug and I started sobbing. It took ten minutes to get me soothed. I've been going and going and trying not to think of certain people. I've worked so hard for my brain to avoid this topic. I was so tired from avoiding this.

"Shh it's ok, it's ok...It's going to be alright. You're safe," Kris repeated over and over. My head rested on her shoulder as she held me. I couldn't speak, each time I tried I just started crying again. I gave up on the quest. Eventually I was sitting up, leaning against the wall on my bed. Kris got a warm towel and cleaned up my face and put a cool one on my forehead. My throat burned with thirst, my mouth dry. "Water.." I managed to get out. A minute later a water bottle appeared in my hand. Kris sat next to me for a while, checking my breathing and stress levels. I leaned forward while she scratched my back, and I noticed she was crying a little as well. Closing my eyes I felt myself relax. The intense pain in my heart slowly lessening.

I must've fallen back asleep at some point, with no dreams this time. I was grateful for that. It was 10:30 when I woke, three hours after my internal alarm clock. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and I looked a little pale. The little tan I had gained seemed to disappear. I washed my face and brushed my teeth to try to feel normal.. I heard the tv on and saw Kris not really paying attention to a movie. "Hey M, you're up. How are you feeling? " she said as she sat up.

"Yeah, hey thanks for your help last night…I'm sorry you had to see that." I said as I sat and rubbed my neck. "I thought that they had stopped..at least here. Back home they were more...frequent." She looked at me kindly before responding.

"You went through a lot back home. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said as I shook my head and leaned back quietly. Neither of us talked but just watched The Groundhogs Day movie.

After it ended I knew I wanted to confess. I turned to look at Kristie. "Coming here in mid school year, I was kind of running away from my problems. When I found out I had gotten in early admission I left immediately without telling anyone, well except my Dad." I shifted my eyes to my hands while I spoke and when I looked at her, her expression was not judgment but compassion mixed with understanding.

"I ran away also.." She said as her eyes got misty. "My life wasn't my own...my parents' plan for me was going to kick in." Her tone imitated her dad "You are going to go to Yale, marry into a rich important family, and become a lawyer. Everyone in this family has been Yale lawyers for 60 years. Don't you dare disobey me, Kristina". As she went on her voice cracked as she started crying. I pulled her into a hug this time. She continued on in her normal voice ;"I couldn't take it anymore. The pressure was too much and I had my own ideas, but he just never listened to them. He never listened to me…"

She then stood up abruptly with angered steps. She went into our room and beat up her pillow until she tired herself out. She flopped down on her bed while I sat on the floor and waited. She had helped me so I was going to help her. "My mom was always nice about it but overall powerless. She was the one who gave me money, transferred the car's name, and helped me pack.. I miss her. I left when my dad was out of town. I ditched my old phone when I got here. I can't ever go back, I'm probably disowned now. Not that I want to…those people I had to socialize with are the worst!" Her head was in her crossed arms. "Much worse than that guy in the library. My family is rich, which is why I didn't know how to do laundry, dishes, baking, or anything. It's pathetic." Half her words were muffled depending on where her head was on top of the tears. "I've been trying my best but I sometimes don't handle it well. You saw my fingernails. " She showed me and they were worse.

You were nice and didn't say anything about them or about my lack of normal skills. Thanks." She whispered. She looked like she was done talking. I sat on her bed and put my hand on her shoulder before handing her tissues. "What were you running away from M?" Still lying down, her head turned towards mine. I never wanted to bring this up but the look on her face was most persuasive. I sighed.

"I sound pathetic as well. The boy I loved and was probably going to marry" I wasn't about to say "be a vampire with him forever," but the word marriage was close enough. "He..dumped me in the middle of the woods. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was catatonic and unresponsive for months. That's why I look like crap." I looked in the mirror the other day and my cheeks still had lifelessness in them. My eyes filled with sadness with a tensed forehead. I laced my fingers together as I paused. "My friend Jake revived me, we were joined at the hip. I fell in love with him in a different way. But he too...he rejected me and broke our friendship off."

"The words he spoke are burned in my brain. 'Leave me alone Bella, never talk to me again. I don't want you either.' THE most hurtful words he could've said. Those words were daggers." I held my head with my hands, tears spilling out. I've never had the chance to tell anyone this. "I saw my acceptance letter and left two weeks later. I couldn't stay there any longer. Everything there reminds me of them. My life was a collage of other people's opinions and personalities. I didn't have anything that was my own. It's why I owned almost no clothes. I hated myself."

Now that I was talking, I'm not sure I could stop. The dam had been broken. Kris's eyes were wide and putting together a puzzle as I spoke. "I would've rather owned nothing here than be made of lies there. I had no real friends anyways, because the person they knew was an illusion. It hurt too much to stay." I finally finished with my voice collapsing. Crying turned into bawling, both of us. We spent all morning crying and lamenting. Kris was pissed that I got dumped, lost in the middle of the woods. "What a prick!" I was mad at her dad. Neither of us shared the entire story, but we shared the parts that hurt us the most. I did confess that I didn't go by my first name anymore. And that I'm planning on more changes to separate my current self from my past self, although I didn't know what they were yet.

"We are a couple of messes aren't we, M?" We both laughed as we laid on the floor in uncontrollable belly-laughs. We laughed so hard we couldn't breathe and any words that were said sent us into fits of giggles. I don't know how long it took for us to stop. I honestly can't remember the last time I had actually full-on laughed.

We ordered pizza and watched the silliest movie we could get our hands on. We didn't talk anymore about our pasts that day. But everything had changed. Some of the pain I had been carrying had been released, and Kris too. We were far from healed but we had each other.

The next day Kris wanted to drive and see a pretty view. I had no issue with it. We had asked our neighbors at the dorm if they knew of any places. One place was the make-out spot of the college. No thanks. We chose Sandria Park, and there was a tram ride so we could see everything. I've never had a fear of heights and Kris is always up for anything adventurous. We promised we would do more of that. It was breathtaking and picturesque. We stopped at the gift shop and I got a postcard for Charlie and myself. I had never been around mountains before and I couldn't get enough. Albuquerque was huge and there was so much to see. The peace inside my heart swelled and filled my soul. I felt a source of belonging. I could stay here forever.

On our next free afternoon, we decided to give our boring room a massive makeover. Well, as much as we could temporarily do in a dorm room. It made me laugh when we finally discussed it. Both of us wanted to upgrade the room for ages but had been afraid to bring the topic up, as well as our pasts. I hated how life had made us chickens, afraid of so much. Fear is a terrible reason not to try.

It didn't take much to help the room. Since we lived in New Mexico, finding colorful tapestries was easy. We hung those on each wall. We got some lamps for better lighting and had fun looking at decoration stores. It turned out that even though I was fashion blind, I wasn't terrible at simple decorating.

While we were out I convinced Kris to get some herb salves for her fingernails. I was currently an herb novice but that lady could help. While she was being helped I gathered more supplies for myself. I had no way of really knowing if it was helping the appetizing blood smell I unfortunately was cursed with, but I had to try. When I was browsing the books, the lady observed me when my back was turned. She was looking for something specific, measuring and appraising me. She appeared satisfied but never approached me. I was unaware of this.

When I checked out she did give me a small bag of ginger candy and Kris chamomile tea bags. "It will help ease the nervous tension behind your chewing habit." We thanked her and left. I fingered my new necklace. I never wore jewelry habitually, and I was starting to think that I just didn't like the jewelry people chose for me. They always seemed to be too bold or too big, but I was going to give it a chance.

The rest of the week got a little crazy. Kris had to practice teaching me specific yoga moves and pass off each one. We were preparing for her final exam and she was more than a little nervous. My art class had a big assignment due soon and I spent all my free time on it. I was attempting to finish up a large realistic eye. We could make it any color and subconsciously I chose Doogie's eye color, and that frustrated me. Kris was in the kitchen when I threw my colored pencils down and nearly tore my paper in half.

"Whoa, whoa, what are you doing there?" Kris asked while gently coaxing the paper from my hands. I let her.

"The eye color— it's his eye color. I didn't mean to..."

"Ooh." Her face lit with understanding. She cleared her throat and examined my work. "You might regret tearing this up, it's really good."

"I've been calling him 'Doogie' if it ever comes up mentally. And thanks."

"Noted. Can you change it to another color, like hazel or something?"

"I don't feel like being rational," I grumbled. She laughed.

I peered into the fridge. We were out of food. We had ketchup, mayo, and ranch dressing left. "We need to go shopping, we have nothing left but the mothballs." Kris had just gotten home from her classes.

"Sure, I'm done for the day. Also I need some cold medicine stuff, I feel something coming on."

"Oh that's not good, it's nearly finals week."

"Don't I know it. " She groaned.

"Take mondo doses of vitamin C, that's what I read in the book from the herb place."

I turned around to look at her, "Speaking of, how are your fingers? Did going there help?"

"Perfectly! Look." She displayed her fingers, they looked mostly healed now and even had some natural nails growing. "I've been chewing them since I was a kid. Now when I forget, I'm repulsed by the taste of the herbs. Trust me, it's disgusting. At least I don't need those fake nails anymore!." She grinned. "Thanks!" She hugged me and ran to our room to change.

As we packed the bags of groceries into her car, a little girl and her father had just come from a soccer game. She was in her uniform and the dad was telling her how proud of her he was and that even though she missed the goal, she still did amazing. They were getting a treat for her being a big girl. I was about to say something when I followed her gaze at the father daughter duo.

"I never heard that once, in my entire life from my father. I couldn't do anything right. I held my fork wrong, I laughed too loud at a birthday party, or I held too much eye contact with the maid. When I apologized he never believed me or I never sounded sincere enough." She spoke tonelessly, looking into the past memory even after the little family was gone. Silently she got in the car, not even looking for a response. I couldn't imagine that. Life with Renee wasn't a picnic, but I never worried about her approval, except when it came to birthday parties. That was nothing compared to this.

The weather was getting hot here now. I had some experience with that from Arizona but Kris hadn't. She still hadn't told me what state she came from, but it wasn't the southern ones. She was unlocking the window and I may have freaked out a little bit. "Hey did you know that this window opens? It'll be perfect since it's so cool at night." I stood there with wide eyes as I dropped my fresh pile of folded laundry.

"What? We don't need the window open, ever. Besides—it might rain!" My arms were reaching for the window before I was aware.

"Rain? Here?" Kris followed me with a confused gaze as I locked the window and wiggled it to make sure it shut.

"Uh yes, remember it rained two months ago?"

"For fifteen minutes."

"I think it's just safer if it's closed." I patted the curtain.

"We..are on the top floor.." She answered slowly

"That hasn't stopped people before," I muttered.

"You knew this window opened?" I suddenly found my pile of shirts extremely interesting as I folded one.

"Maybe. Yes." I could feel her focused gaze as I mechanically folded a blue shirt. "We could get a fan?"

"We need one anyways...sure," she finished with a questioning tone.

"Ah, good. Yes, we'll do that." I dumped all the shirts in a drawer folded and unfolded alike. I avoided her gaze as I jumped into bed and pulled my blankets over me. My heart was still beating quickly. I stared at my blue archery ribbon until I fell asleep.

The rest of the week was a blur. I only saw Kris twice. I took a nap in the library a couple of times. Between my papers, finals, and my art project I was barely home. I needed to pull an all-nighter on the latter. I drew a complicated old tree with a tire swing. It included all the techniques we had learned. It was from my favorite children's book. I imagined myself on the swing a lot when I was overwhelmed. It was the last book Renee read to me.

I was walking to Archery Club one last time for the semester, fumbling with my bag and folders. Someone said my name and I waved to them. I was nearly there when my shin hit something hard and metal. My vision had blurred on everything but the papers I had. I watched them fall from my hands, then shut my eyes tight to help process the pain. I had failed to see the lower side bar on the bike rack and rammed my shin into it. I was going to have a dent on my shin for a while. Luckily no one saw as everyone was huddled in the library but the few walking to or from something. I just sat for a few minutes to let myself relax and let the humiliating feeling float away in the wind. I was hoping that the blurry vision thing was a fluke but it kept happening in small ways here and there. For the first time it registered to me that this was going to be a thing and I needed to deal with it.

I didn't tell Kris about the bruise. I didn't see a need to and I forgot with all of the hubbub happening. We spent our whole weekend after finals moving into a slightly bigger place. We still shared a bedroom since the cost of rent was much lower this way. The new living room would hold more than our current small couch and tv.

Kris went to several parties with friends, and I joined up with Grace. Mostly we just went out to eat. I did make myself venture out, and I attended a sort of potluck with all of the neighbors. The "potluck" was loosely termed. Everyone just took whatever little food they had, prepared it, and put it on the table. There were half bags of chips, pastas, frozen baked lasagna, rice dishes, sugary goods, cereals and cartons of milk and of course beer. The real question was who didn't have beer at the end of semester parties. I had decided long ago I would never drink, so it held no interest to me.

I did have fun though and was starting to make cheesy jokes again. I memorized a bunch when I was twelve and just loved them. Puns, dad jokes, riddles, I enjoyed telling them to anyone who would listen; mostly Phil. I had a good memory, so they were still stored. Doogie had no patience for jokes or a sense of humor. Hannah, Janet, and Abby however, enjoyed them. "What did the painter do when he got cold?"

"What?"

"He painted a second coat." I grinned at their groans.

"Oh I got one!" someone else joined in.

Victoria pov

Where was this wench? This little insignificant human girl had ruined her existence by one whiff of her scent. It took her forever to win James' attention and this brat had it in one second. Hunting her had been James' obsession, much to Victoria's dismay. Then when he was gone, it was Victoria's vendetta. No one, she repeated, no one should get more attention than her, not from her James. Victoria would ruin her. She had been looking for Bella for months. She knew Bella wasn't home by her bare and scentless room. Victoria had just gotten back from Arizona hoping she had gone there. She knew Bella wasn't in Forks, but thought it might help her get another lead. When that failed, Victoria had had enough. While blind fury filled her venom, she paused to beat up a tree in response.

That one pause was enough for three wolves to descend upon Victoria. She nearly got away, but the black wolf had her arm and ripped it off. Victoria screamed in blinding pain while she did her best to escape and jump up a tree. She leaped up but the dark brown wolf grabbed her foot and she fell in an echoing thump. The wolves made quick work of her, one with a sad look in it's intelligent eyes.

Marie pov

I heard the lyrics "When we started walking, the paths also started moving. These paths seem lovelier than the destination. Come, let's get lost. Let's get lost somewhere. Come! Let's walk for miles; without knowing our destination." As I walked by a folk singer night at a restaurant, I ended up just standing outside and listening for a while. "Sitting like this, how will we discover a new path? With you, I will also walk. Only then will these distances bridge someday. Come, we should have no ties with anybody. Come! Lets walk for miles without knowing our destination. When we started walking, the paths also started moving. These paths seem lovelier than the destination. On opening the eyes, slumber says 'what fervor is this?' Here and there, God knows where this fervor is taking me. Come, we will find a way in this world. Lets walk for miles, without knowing our destination. When we started walking, the paths also started moving."

It took about five minutes to realize the song ended, but the lyrics were still bouncing around in my mind. I was now a sophomore and I wasn't so scared anymore. The future was still filled with a thousand questions, but I was excited. I hadn't had a nightmare of any degree in weeks.