Ch 9

Kris and I were rooming together again and decided to take a computer programming class together. I decided completely that I was NOT doing an English major. I didn't have it in me anymore. Kris didn't want to do a math education major but wanted to explore something in the direction of finance somehow.

We had a summer break before fall semester started. Neither of us wanted to, or could go, home as most people did. I got a part time job at the school gym just for the summer. It was an easy gig. The shifts were longer, so I only worked a few days a week. It meant I had the rest of the week to do whatever. There were a few of us, so we could easily take over shifts. It worked out so all the employees could take a few full weeks off. It meant we could have at least half a summer to roam free, which we did several times.

Once it was just me and Kris, and we made our way over to Texas. Another time our new neighbor joined us for a three day backpacking trip. Brittany was well skilled at all things outdoors and taught us everything. How to make a fire, put up and take down tents, cook food over a fire, food prep, to put up a hammock. It became my favorite way to sleep. I didn't like it until I was told I could have a tarp, and a tent over me. It turns out Kris was a little bit of a pyro. Brittany was the best s'mores maker of us all. We all loved smelling like smoke and eating smores; mine was only marshmallow and graham crackers. Waking up to beautiful scenery was spectacular. Never had beans and beef stew tasted so good. Canoeing was amazing! I couldn't believe I had never done it before.

Brittany then told me about all the day trips you can do. You just sign up and pay just a little, and the outdoor activities people will rent and drive the van and you will have people to hike with, or go climbing, canoeing, horseback riding, can even rent equipment. It was perfect for people who wouldn't normally do those things on their own.

One night camping locally for practice we just chatted about things we had always wanted to do. And explored 'what if' scenarios, like what if money wasn't a factor, what if we could teleport, where would you go? "I've always wanted to go rock climbing, but my grandparents would have fits if I even climbed a tree." Kris snuffed a bitter-amused sound while playing with her new woven beaded bracelet. "I don't know how they became such bitter old coots. They were the "secret" club at Yale and did all sorts of illegal things, spent frivolous money on parties, jumped off things all the time. I wasn't even allowed to go on a swing."

"They were in a secret group and did crazy things, and you couldn't even do basic childhood activities? That's a double standard if I ever heard one." Kris snorted.

"No kidding. Honestly half the people I associated with were gaslighted." That movie was enlightening for both of us, and we ended up watching that twice.

"Hmm.." I paused. "We'll go rock climbing then! And I want to go ziplining and horseback riding," I declared. We began making a list. My mind wandered to my past self for a moment. "Doogie would have wrapped me in bubble wrap if he could have. I became so boring. No wonder…" My voice wavered. Kris looked at me sharply.

"No wonder what?"

"No wonder he dumped me."

"That was not the reason, M. There is more going on than he told you. Don't look at me like that. I know how unkind pompous people are. They can be tricky and often have a poker face, and what they say and what they think are incompatible. Their truths are so mixed with impressive lies, they don't know where the lie starts or truth ends."

What? "Maybe clarify that for me, Yoda?"

Kris sighed and turned to look at me.

"Well my young grasshopper, what he said and what he was thinking, it's highly probable that it was some kind of weird mixed up reason combining a 90% lie with a 10% truth. It's hard to fetter out."

I twisted my hands together under my sleeping bag. Could that be true? Well, they all were professional liars. They've done it for a hundred plus years. Actually, they've done exactly that with everything they say. It was as if a light that was starting to flicker had finally lit up.

"When we first met, it was weird. I repulsed him and then I intrigued him, from one day to the next. When I asked why, I got cold remarks in answer. His favorite line was "It's better if we aren't friends."" She stared, a question in her eyes. "I should've clued that in, but I was enthralled and extremely naïve," and gaslighted to the core.

"It happens to the best of us. M, you are not the first one to fall for a terrible guy or the last," Kris assured in her response.

"We can talk about your experience with that, if you want. I don't want to hog the pity party."

"At least it's a party." I huffed out a half laugh. "Maybe later though," Kris's tone softly replied. We stayed silent for a while.

"We should pick random outdoor adventure things to do ahead of time. Let's try everything we can." I meant it too.

"Please?" I stared at Kris, a date; was she serious? I crossed my arms and turned back to my textbook. She sighed.

"It's the only way he can go on a date. His brother is in town and we are both booked the next three weekends. His brother thinks you're cute…." She wagged her eyebrows.

"I met him once, for five minutes."

"You clearly made an impression."

"They aren't twins.." Ouch, glares hurt. "Sorry, sorry, bad joke. Do you actually like this guy? You've come home disappointed more often than not lately from hangout dates."

"Well, I know enough that it would be really fun. We're partners in two classes and conversation flows really well, and he seems intelligent and nice,"

Oh. A real reason for a date. She hasn't been excited or liked any of her dates lately. I don't know why she even bothers. "I don't want to date anyone seriously right now."

"That's the beauty of this arrangement, his brother leaves in a week."

"You didn't mention that before," my tone was dubious.

"I was saving my best ammunition for last. That's what horrendously boring company dinners taught me."

I abandoned my homework and shoved the book aside. We were at the library and if this conversation had taken place anywhere else, I would have made a bigger scene. I sighed. I did need to push myself, and needed to be okay with being uncomfortable. It's where we stretch and grow. "Yes."

"You won't regret it." Kris glanced at my face. "You won't have to pay?" I smiled and stuck my tongue out.

It was my birthday tomorrow. Kris didn't know and I wasn't sure if I would tell her. However, she had celebrated her birthday with me. She had chosen the way it was, even though it was having cake and ice cream with a tired roommate. It would be nice to do something for it, even if the rules were odd. Kris was eating leftovers for dinner. I sat down and placed a paper in front of her while I waited for her attention. She raised her eyebrows, saying "Am I late for a meeting?"

"Of sorts." I cleared my throat and breathed through the awkward mist. "It's my birthday tomorrow and I've never liked celebrating it, ever. But I'm willing to do something with you, as long as we follow my terms."

Kris nodded with an amused look, and responded, "What are your terms, Lawyer Swan?"

"The word "birthday" is banned and especially don't tell any restaurant about it. I really hate it when they sing. I actually don't want any birthday song sung. And I pick the way we celebrate. Even if it's lame for you." Her eyebrows rose in an unreadable expression.

"Has something happened on your past birthdays?" My head lowered and I rested my hands on my forehead. I spoke to the table.

"Short answer, yes."

"Long answer?"

"Well, it was the entire reason my life fell apart and why I lost my serious boyfriend." I grabbed my water bottle and held it tightly. "I didn't want to celebrate it and no one listened to me. I was thrust into an uncomfortable dress and coerced to go to a terrible party and..." I couldn't go on or look at Kris. I stared at a spot on the wall. "And before that it was always this big production, and it always ended badly. My first big crush in fourth grade, Geoffry Jones, laughed at me when the table broke and the entire cake fell on me." I tapped my water bottle on the table. "My mom wanted my birthday; her way, we don't jive."

To Kris's credit, she didn't comment on any of it besides a quiet "huh." I knew she had a hundred questions, being naturally curious. "So what are we going to do tomorrow, then?"

"I was thinking of painting already made pottery. It sounds lame but you get to keep it after. Oh, and get a large milkshake." I handed her the advertisement. I knew it wouldn't be her thing but I've been contemplating this for days.

"It's your day." she simply said. My shoulder dropped in relief. "The place is a bit of a drive, but I happen to love driving."

I didn't know how to get ready for a date. I've only had one conventional date, ever. It was in Phoenix and it didn't go well. Dates with Doogie were of another caliber, and with Columbo were just hanging out. I would hand him tools for an hour and then make him do his homework. Or we rode and crashed motorcycles. My hands were shaking. I ended up brushing my teeth three times.

"Relax, M, this is a chill double date. We are just having a picnic and feeding ducks." In my head I knew that, but my head wasn't syncing with my heart; which was galloping in a horse race.

"Is my outfit okay?"

"Yes, the outfit I chose on your behalf looks amazing. I'm glad you elected to add the earrings.

I checked my hair in the bathroom mirror. "You're just lucky I decided to reopen the hole in my earlobes."

I smoothed my turquoise shirt down for the tenth time. They were coming in five minutes.

An hour later Kris and Leo were throwing a frisbee, laughing when it would hit a leg or would land ten feet in another direction. That was a good sign. We were sitting against some trees. My date's name was Vinny. It was short for Vincent, I discovered. "No, I'm an only child. It would've been fun to have a sibling though. I always wondered if being a single child was better than having too many siblings."

His ponderings grew as he posed with his hand on his chin. I threw a small piece of grape vine at him, which he dodged easily. "Maybe it's a 'grass is always greener on the other side' type thing?" I asked.

"Good point. It's completely cool that you do archery. I've never seen it done."

I stretched my legs out. "I like it, It evens the playing field."

He reached up and picked a leaf off the tree. "Is it anything like darts? I'm good at those."

Just then he leaped up to catch a frisbee that was coming my way that I hadn't seen. Things were blurry half the time now.

"Sorry!" Kris called out. I waved with a 'don't worry about it' gesture.

"Wow, thanks," I told him. "That would've been an unfortunate accident. "

He shrugged. "No problem. You know, my brother has liked your roommate for a while. I hope it goes well for them."

I looked closely at him, his tone matched his sincere look. "Me too, it's up to them, though. We'll have to wait and see." I truly wished the guy luck. He would need it.

The rest of the date was relaxing as promised, but I didn't attempt to throw a frisbee. It wasn't a good idea right now. I was just happy to see I could hold a conversation with a normal member of the opposite sex.

The computer class Kris and I had was going well, and I even understood a lot more of it than I imagined I would. We were partnered up for a project in our male-dominated class. As I was leaving after class ended I overheard behind me "I bet the girls won't make it till midterms."

"Thirty bucks they quit the class before then."

"Forty if they fail the class. Girls and computer coding? Who ever heard of such a thing?"

"You're on, buddy."

I froze, indignant anger inside me boiled over. I marched over to the bathroom where Kris was washing her hands. "We need to get the best grade in the class."

She looked over at me. "What happened?"

"I overheard some guys betting each other that we would fail or drop out. This cannot happen."

"I've never seen you this serious over something besides archery." She finger brushed her hair. She had a late start this morning. "I agree though, no one's going to bet on us and win."

"They haven't seen my competitive side yet. If we are going to get the best grades of the class, we are going to revamp our project." I nodded.

"Definitely, let's kick some butt," I replied as we high fived.

We devoted extra time on the class ever since. I borrowed computer coding books from the library from more advanced classes and poured over them. We went to the professor's office and I thoroughly went through my list of questions. Kris had her list as well.

"You two have a good understanding of this class," our professor told us, "better than most. You do know this class is only the basic core work, don't you? Each future class will address your more specific questions we didn't go over today. There are some things to learn before those can get answered satisfactorily. It's nice seeing tenacious students with potential. I trust I'll see you both more often?"

We looked at each other in amazement before I asked, "what are the other classes and what do they cover?"

He handed us the majors' pamphlet for classes and explained them in detail. It was fascinating. I could see the points where I would need more help and Kris in others. Our minds may have worked differently but they complimented the projects well.

"If you would excuse me, young ladies, I have a class to get to. If you have any additional questions for your class or about future classes, come by in my office hours." Right after he spoke he gathered up his materials and we let ourselves out.

We rushed outside the building before gushing. "Can you believe it? We have potential!"

Kris beamed and hugged me. I was getting much better with hugs now and could reciprocate them back. "Do you like this major, Marie?"

I really did. I felt a bubbly excitement for the first time about a subject. "I actually do, and I even see myself doing something with this area. Who knew?" I was stoked.

"I do as well. It all looks really interesting."

"The last two projects have been fun. And not just because we got the top ten percent grades in the class now." I looked at Kris as we were walking to the bookstore. "You can still use your math skills, they work together. I know it's not directly mathematical..."

"That's true. I'd still like to do something more immediate with math, though."

"Maybe as your minor?" I asked. We talked back and forth about this as we walked on campus. I was just about sold on this major. I didn't know about my minor yet. Kris was always going to do a math emphasis. We both had a lot of thinking to do.

Leo made it past the second date mark. Congratulations to him. He's been one of two guys to make it this far. He was over doing homework with Kris while I cooked something for the week. Kris had gotten much better at cooking some things, but was just so-so at baking. This next week was going to be crazy and I wouldn't have time to make food or sleep. I had a lot of things due on Wednesday in nearly all my classes. I didn't know if the teachers conspired together, but it sure seemed like it.

I was nursing a new bruise from running into the table. It looked a lot worse than it was, with purple and blue bits in it. I didn't see or know this at this time, but Kris was eyeing it and cataloging it mentally. She saw me run into things, she saw I couldn't perceive frisbees well, and other things. For now, though, she said nothing.

The oven timer dinged. "The chicken pot pie is ready," I called out.

"Smells great, Marie," replied Leo. They made their way over to the table as I brought it out. My stomach growled. "Vinny asked about you yesterday, by the way."

I paused with the knife in midair. "He did?" I forced my hand down and proceeded to cut the pie while I thought up a response. "Is Leo short for something?" I asked.

"Yeah, our mother was into old famous, important names. I was Leonardo, after Leonardo Da Vinci, Vinny was Vincent Van Gogh, my sister was named Ana after Euphemia the Empress, and my other sister Remmy, after Rembrant van Rijn; the painter." I blinked in surprise while Kris put her hand to her chin while she processed the information.

"Really?" Kris asked, interested. He shrugged and proceeded to eat. Of course the remembrance was boring to him, he's lived with it all his life.

"Those are very different time periods."

"And professions, partly," my red-headed friend noted.

"She's a historian. What can I say?" Leo replied before drinking his water.

Kris and I started eating also. Leo would sneak looks at Kris with a sweet look to double check that he wasn't imagining things. He would need to be a bit bolder to keep Kris around. Should I tell him? I mentally shook my head, I didn't want to interfere with her dating life. She was confident but insecure, it sounds like an oxymoron but it just is. She needed a fair amount of reassurance some days. I figured it was from her family life. I needed her too. I would be very lonely without her here.

This semester I was taking a women's health class. It was an all around physical, mental, and emotional health focus. I've really enjoyed it so far. We talked one day about the diseases that women dealt with solely. We each had to read a book about a topic that pertains to women; such as Half the Sky, History of Breast Cancer, or I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown. I read all of them. Today we were gathering together in groups, performing short skits of examples of types of abuse, bad situations, and types of relationships.

Guy-"Why didn't you tell me before?"

Girl-"I just found out-"

Guy-"You're always hiding things from me, do you not trust me?"

Girl-"Of course I do. I just found out about the impromptu work meeting 10 minutes ago, I won't be able to go to the game with you. I'm not clairvoyant."

Guy-"I said you were going to go, I'm going to look stupid now. Are you happy, playing with my feelings?"

Or,

Guy-"You're too nosy for your own good."

Girl-"I thought that's what you liked about me?"

Guy-"Not when it's my business.

Girl-"I don't understand, you always want to know all of my personal business but I can't ask yours?"

Now that I had chosen not to do an English major officially, I was able to read old English novels again.

This one reminded me of a passage from The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. "My last bitter letter has wrung from an answer at last-and a rather longer one than usual. I don't know what to make of it. He playfully abuses me for the gall and vinegar of my last effusions, tells me I can have no conception of the multitudinous engagements that keep him away, but avers that, in spite of them all, he will assuredly be with me before the close of next week; though it is impossible for a man, so circumcised as his is, to to fix the day his return: meantime he exhorts me to the exercise of patience. That first of womans' virtues, and desires me to remember the saying, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' and comfort myself with the assurance that the longer he stays away, the better he shall love me when he returns; and till he does return, he begs I will continue to write him constantly, for, though he is sometimes too idle and often too busy to answer my letters as they come, he likes to receive them daily, and if I fulfill my threat of punishing his seeming neglect by ceasing to write, he shall be so angry that he will do his utmost to forget me. [pg 172-173]

I remember a date when I asked him about his past, because he had lived a century and I was curious, until that curiosity was squashed. How many ways can one repeat the same sentiment? "You don't want to know, It's too harsh for your innocent ears. It would bore you".

"Why on earth would it bore me?" I asked. "History and the past are interesting."

"Not all history, Bella, believe me. " If I said something similar in response to Phoenix, Phil, or Renee, I would be accused of hiding things. It drove me bonkers at first and then I would only feel guilt. I just stopped asking.

A few skits later and my insides felt quivering and shaky. More passages came to mind as it pertained to each skit.

"When I express my horror and indignation, he lays it all to the charge of jealousy, and laughs till the tears run down his cheeks. I used to fly into passions or melt into tears at first, but seeing that his delight increased to the proportion to my anger and agitation, I have since endeavoured to suppress my feelings and receive his revelations in the silence of calm contempt; but still, he reads the inward struggle in my face, and misconstrues my bitterness of soul for his unworthiness into the pangs of a wounded jealousy; and when he has sufficiently diverted himself with that, or fears my displeasure will become too serious for his comfort, he tries to kiss and soothe me into smiles again-never were his caresses so little welcome then!" [pg 163]

Doogie often did this very thing. When I stayed too silent, he would ask what I was thinking a hundred times over. He regaled my emotions as playthings and yet tried to make sure I was never too serious or too mad or too quiet. I'm human, and I am allowed to be mad sometimes. My reactions over time were never quite right and were always questioned. It made me weary and I didn't know how much until after the moment. He once accused me of using silence as a weapon against him.

The last skit for the day was about a couple where the man wouldn't let the woman have other friends and she became very isolated. Other people were a threat always, and all the attention must be on him and about him.

I reread half the borrowed book outside the classroom. Each page, paragraph, and sentence brought back memories for me with Doogie and sometimes with Columbo. Here was one such part:

"I came back nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no acquaintances with persons and manners, and very little with things. When I had expressed a particular interest in anything that I saw or desired to see, it had been displeasing to him in as much as it proved that I could take delight in anything disconnected with himself. As for Paris, we only just touched at that, and he would not give time to see one tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of Rome. He wanted me to get home, he said, to have me all to himself, and to see me safely installed as the mistress of Grassdale Manor, just as single-minded, as naive, and piquante as I was; and if I had been some frail butterfly, he expressed himself fearful of rubbing the silver off my wings by bringing me into contact with society." [pg 159]

He said we not be staying for long, for he did not wish me to be Londonized, and to lose my country's freshness and originality by too much intercourse with the ladies of the world. I thought this folly; but I did not wish to contradict him now." [pg 169]

I did not contradict him as often as I wanted to. When I did, it created the same fight repeatedly, which I now had memorized. I would make a statement, he would act like attacked him with an axe, a sword, and a gun at the same time. I would respond, confused at the intensity of his reaction, he would get mad for my ignorance and I would get upset. He would blame me for both of our sour moods. The key word I learned today was "react." It's an emotional response and often plays in victimizing habits. I became worn down and stopped fighting. It was just easier to agree, even when my heart knew I had just agreed to something that I felt was wrong. I was just so tired. A tired that became my normal.

I went home that day a huge mess. My mind was now replaying fights, images, and his face. Only now I wanted to throw darts at it. The dust and feelings of last year's trauma had settled but it had not gone away. With learning how quietly manipulative he was, it had been pointed out in my subconscious, and it made sense. I was blind to it before. It was as obvious as a brightly lit, green Las Vegas neon sign.

I just laid down and held on to my pillow. My sadness in a flash turned to anger, and I had to run and move. An odd restlessness took over me and I knew I could never be as complacent again as I had been. We had a jump rope in the dorm and I spent a straight hour on the jump rope. I haven't done this since I was a kid. I imagined the jumping up and down releasing trauma dust with each bounce.

I was mad, so mad myself. I put up with this asinine behavior for so long. I was mad at my so-called friends, did they see anything wrong with the relationship? Perhaps if they had pointed it out, would I have listened? I didn't know. Did Charlie see the signs? He was a cop. Then again, I hid a lot from him. I only let Charlie see what he wanted to see.

Why did I miss Doogie so much for so long? When he broke up with me, I should've rejoiced. I should've danced a jig and said "So long, sucker!". Otherwise, I probably could've never left him, not even through suicide. An eternity with him now felt like a punishment.

"He did not like the idea of sending me home alone. 'Why, what helpless creature do you take me for,' I replied, 'that you cannot trust me to go a hundred miles in our own carriage with our own footman and maid to attend me?" [pg 171]

"What must I do to deserve it?" said he. 'If she gives you her heart,' said I, 'you must take it thankfully, and use it well, and not pull it into pieces, and laugh in her face, because she cannot snatch it away.' He now turned round and stood facing me, with his back into the fire. 'Come then, Helen, are you going to be a good girl?' said he. This sounded rather too arrogant, and the smile accompanying it did not please me. I therefore hesitated to reply. 'Are you going to forgive me, Helen?" he resumed, more humbly. 'Are you penitent?' I replied. 'Heart-broken!' he answered, with a rueful countenance—yet with a merry smile lurking within his eyes and about the corner of his mouth."[pg 168]

He underestimated me. He always had. For all I know I could've been a vampire and I would be regarded as the weakling, even as a newborn and all my never-ending life. Would I have been able to ever prove him wrong? I was the joke of the century to him, a pet.

"Do I regret the step I had taken? No—I must confess in my secret heart that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and if I had known him in the beginning, as I thoroughly do now, I probably never should have loved him, and if I had loved him first, and then made the discovery, I fear I should have thought it my duty not to have married him. To be sure, I might have known him, for everyone was willing to tell me about him, and he himself was no accomplished hypocrite, but I was willingly blind."

"He is fond of me—almost too fond. I could do with less caressing and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet and more of a friend, if I might choose—but I won't complain of that; I am only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains in ardour. I sometimes liken it to a fire of dry twigs and branches compared with one solid coal—very bright and hot, but if it should burn itself out and leave nothing but ashes behind, what shall I do?" [pg 158]

This is where my life turned in a new direction where Helen's became a twisted path of vines. My twigs burnt themselves out, and left nothing but an aching shattered heart of broken dreams for months. Life is coming. Life is coming my way. I've begun to feel a strange humility, brand new wisdom and a new bittersweet feeling to my memories. It was like an herbal tincture. It was slightly bitter but helpful. The answer had been in front of me all along, but I just didn't see it. I could not blame anyone for anything. It took away my power. I've given it away for too long. I needed to step into my potential and... forgiveness? How do I do that? Have I ever been taught how to forgive myself?

I felt awake as if I had been splashed with the arctic ice cold water. I have lived my whole life in the shadow of a great tree, and now that tree has fallen. Maybe it's my time in the sun at last. Afterall, I needed the thawing. I needed to genuinely live and to heal while doing so. It was time.