Ch 10

Sleep proved impossible. My mind was whirling around. Instead of staring at the ceiling any longer, I got a head start on an aggressively long paper that was twenty-five percent of my grade. I got about halfway done with it when I fell asleep. I woke up on the couch with a blanket around me and my pillow under my head. Kris must've done that. I was going to thank my Women's Health teacher when I saw her next. I felt the residue of anger, and the distinct bitter aftertaste, but now with a fragrant mint leaf of renewal. My feet were both firmly on the ground.

At the archery club we were learning about the effects of different types of wood in bows and arrows. We even got to try them out. I was the only sophomore besides Shelah. Everyone else was graduating soon. That basically meant that the whole of the archery club, if it kept going, was going to be on the sophomore class shoulders in the next semester. That was pretty nutty, considering I just joined it. I couldn't let it go down just because the years weren't balanced. In addition to my recent enlightenment, I needed some responsibility. This would be perfect and I wouldn't be alone—Shelah would be there too.

I still saw Leo hanging out with Kris a little, but they weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. Kris didn't seem to let anyone call her one. I think he wanted it to be more from what I could observe. He was nice to her and she seemed happy. He would sweetly hold her hand and kiss her fingers. It was really sweet. If I was in the room when they said goodbye, he kissed her on the forehead. How could I say anything, when I knew nothing of what a healthy relationship was like? I didn't even know what it was like being kissed without feeling I was repulsive and desperate.

'THAT'S ENOUGH!" Kris yelled loudly, slamming her hands down while I jumped. The entire restaurant looked at us. "Look missy, you are going to the eye doctor. This has gone on long enough. "

"But-"

"No, you can't even read a menu without squinting. It's seriously five inches from your face." She wasn't wrong. I didn't see the bike rack and nearly broke my shin. I had the bruise for weeks.

"You know I don't have insurance"

"You have the school insurance"

"Doesn't count, I can't even walk in a waiting room without getting charged. What a rip-off."

"Doesn't matter. Did you know that if you keep putting this off your eyes will get worse?"

What!? Dread filled my chest. "I didn't know," I nearly whispered.

"That happened to my sister, and she can't wear those cute dainty glasses now."

I stared, she had a sister? "Um..a sister..wow." I gulped. Kris kept her stern stare focused in my direction.

"Sorry," I said. "Well, I don't know where I would go. And the swindler health insurance company the school uses will not cover eyes, guaranteed."

"Then I'll pay for the visit. Don't give me that look. I'd rather you get glasses or contacts now then have to wear nerdy thick glasses for the rest of your life," she lectured seriously. Kris crossed her arms and kept eye contact. She could hold her ground. Five seconds later I shifted my gaze to the table. She won. I did want to have fewer bruises, and to actually see the board and archery target again.

"Fine." She picked up her menu again with a satisfied look. I sighed.

An hour later we arrived. My foot jiggled as I tried to fill out the sheet. Finally Kris took the sheet and asked me the questions while she wrote. "Who do you want as your emergency contact?"

"How about you?"

"Course," Phew, I had no one else.

I used ten uncomfortable machines in a row, each one shocking my eyes in a unique torturing way. The one where it shot air into my eye was the worst. I had another small headache poking inside my temples and forehead. They've been common and I was hoping they were just because of my vision. It had been an intense semester also. I was barely managing some days, and I trusted this would help.

My old habit of making dad jokes when I was nervous was back. As soon as the doctor came in I said "Guess who I bumped into on the way here, doc?" He looked surprised before answering.

"Who"?

"Everyone." He did an amused half chuckle. "Sorry about the cornea joke"

Getting to the slide testing after he got us back on track didn't take long. I told him all the eye problems already.

"Is slide one or two more clear?"

"One"

"Is slide 2 or 1 more clear?"

"Two"

It felt like hours later but it had been fifteen minutes. The doctor was going through the data and I knew my vision was iffy. I just didn't know how bad. It felt like I was waiting for a prison sentence from a judge.

I had one eye that was farsighted and one eye that was nearsighted. Sometimes one would blur over to the other eye, since they work together. It wasn't unusual but neither was it typical. At least I wasn't going blind. As I was picking out metal frames with Kris, I saw a sign that had colored contacts for sale. You could get a few different colors or several of the same color with the clear contacts. Kris had kept walking and didn't realize I stopped walking until she turned around asking "What about these frames?"

Due to my weirdo eyes, I kept changing the distance of the paper to look at it properly. She made her way over and picked up another flyer. "You want colored contacts?"

"I didn't know I did until now." My tone was reverent. I wanted to make more changes, but I just hadn't known they would be physical, at least temporarily. This would be perfect.

"What colors would you want?"

"I don't know, except no unnaturally occurring colors. Not red."

"That would be disturbing." She looked at the flyer closer. "It looks like this is a subscription, you can change colors as you renew." We talked about the colors of contact options as she grabbed my arm to keep picking out frames.

"I don't think that there is a single frame that doesn't make me look like a dork." I put my hands to my forehead as I sat down. I was starting to get overwhelmed. It took some coaxing from Kris, but I looked again. I nearly just let Kris pick them out for me, but I couldn't do that. I needed this to be my decision.

My contacts were not done yet, ergo I wore my new glasses each day. The bad vision headaches were replaced with new-glasses headaches. I was told this was normal. Well, it sucked. One particular Thursday my morning grumpiness turned into a tired surly mood. My headache stabbed directly into my eyes, and I wanted to pitch these glasses off a cliff. They helped me to see. So what? I survived before, sort of. I was stomping my way up the hill to my apartment. I've gotten some leg muscles because of this hill. Just then the blonde haired arrogant gnat who sat in front of my computer class stopped me.

"I'm in a hurry Trevor," but he just put his hand up.

"It'll just take a minute, Swan."

"I'd rather you use my first (middle) name."

"No." Breath in and out, Marie…

"Get to the point, please," I stated in a clipped but warning tone.

"You are doing better than me in that class. How?" Is he serious? He crossed his arms and looked at me as if I was going to respond in a way my grade was an accident.

"I just study and ask questions of what I don't understand. It is pretty standard."

"That can't be it." He said, disbelieving.

"Well, believe it. I put in a lot of effort, even though it may seem strange. You should try it sometime. I really am in a hurry." In a hurry to not remain here. My grumpy mood was rapidly turning into something more peppery. I went into a bit of a run and turned purposely into the wrong street. He was just like those people who used to cheat off me in Phoenix. I'd rather jump into a freezing pool than let him do so.

I didn't go home, and I did not put my glasses in any harm. To prevent that from possibly happening in the future, I took them off and safety stowed them in my backpack. I could get home just fine. In my own time. I didn't know what to think about the glasses. Did I look okay? I second guessed this particular thought again. Kris might have agreed with whatever I chose, just to get out of the office. Then again she did veto the worst of the options. The deed was done. I was stuck with visual aids for the rest of my life. I needed this, but I'm not sure why this rattled me abundantly.

Then it hit me as I drew a breath and adjusted my shoulders. I was aging now, and I was on track to be a human and grow old. My human frailties were just going to get more prevalent. I imagined as I fell asleep countless nights in Forks how it would be to see clearly for miles, to run and jump off a cliff and act like it was business as usual. The cold and heat were just things that existed, not that it mattered to a vampiric state of being.

It was as difficult as swallowing poison for me to accept that I might have fancied being a vampire more than being a vampire with Doogie. He was my ticket in. I did love him with all my heart; but my fascination with being eternally young, with no human weaknesses was a little more prominent. I felt like I was only filled with weaknesses. I shook my head and I rubbed my temples.

Was I just using Doogie? I didn't know, but I was completely sure that I was NOT blameless. He was not all evil, immature and assuming, just as I was not all innocent, I helped create a codependent relationship. He was simply reacting to it, and then tried to maintain it. Perhaps that is how relationships were to him. Vampire mates were not like human relationships in the least bit. I lost myself in the process of trying to emulate it. I sighed. Not blaming others was wearying and demanding. It was easy to blame hard things upon others, but it led to a tangled, confusing road. I've never had to challenge so many 'facts' that have been proven wrong. I have been rewriting the distasteful false truths into something real. It was bitter tasting work but completely necessary. It was the only way I was going to be a hundred percent better.

As I arrived home I pulled out my journal — well, journals, and I had a plan for more. I began my old habit of writing daily entries, that was the blue journal. My green journal chronicled the false truths being corrected, and it had led to several pages of rambling in efforts to undo them. My black journal was the negative thoughts being hurled at me. I made positive statements in reaction to the original negative ones. My purple one was my dream journal. Well, it contained both my dreams and nightmares. I continued to use my drawing pad from my art class. The last was pink. It held ideas, random thoughts, recipe ideas; it was unaimed. One day, I would write about my time from last year in Phoenix, my time in Forks, and the people and relationships in it. I wasn't ready for that yet.

I had tried out each one of my colored contacts. It scared me the first time I forgot I had them in, with bright blue eyes looking in the mirror. I had chosen hazel, green, two shades of blue, a lighter brown, and grey. I almost wish purple eyes were natural. With my recent hair trim and a new eye color, I felt fresh and more like a Marie than a "Bella." She was fading away fast. I wasn't surprised when no one noticed the eye color change but I wished they had. I wanted to get a consensus about what looked best. Kris was unhelpfully biased. "That color looks great."

"Does it look better than the light blue?"

"The blues looked great too." I stared at her, silently complaining.

"What?" she asked. "I like all of them."

I did learn that wearing two different colors of contacts got me extra attention. I was in a rush that afternoon and mixed up the blues, leaving me with a light and bright blue mixture. "Is that coloring natural?" five times in a seven hour period. My answers went from "No, it was a mishap" to a more snarky reply. "Yes, that's why it's so noticeable, just as nature intended."

I was able to do extraordinarily well in archery club, better than I had in weeks. At least I knew that I had the ability to hit the target half-blind. Shelah came up to me when I was packing up. "Nice work today, Marie."

"Thanks!"

"Hey, are your eyes a different color?"

"You would be correct. Do they look good?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I had to get contacts and I've been testing out the colors. Do these look natural? I could use some feedback."

Shelah brightened and then looked me up and down, her eyes taking in details. "You've done more than that though. All the changes look nice." I grinned at the compliment.

"Would you be willing to come over sometime to compare and contrast colors?"

Shelah shrugged, "Sure, but I can't tonight. I have a lecture, but I'm free tomorrow and Sunday."

I was putting away the dishes when Kris barreled through the door and holed herself in our room. I put the last dish away before I stood outside the door, calling softly. "Kris, are you okay?"

"No, of course not. Does it seem like I am?" her voice muffled with sarcasm.

"Did anything happen? Did your chemistry lab partner ignore you again?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Oh boy, how often had I said those exact words to Charlie?

I was getting ready for bed, taking my hair out of the ponytail and grabbing a novel to read. I liked reading for fun, but with school I didn't get to as much.

Kris decided to answer my question from earlier. "I broke up with Leo."

"What?"

"I broke up with Leo."

"I heard you, but why?"

"I don't know..I just.. couldn't like him as much as he liked me. I wanted to.." She paused to blow her nose. "I wanted to be fair to him." A pause. "I think." The more she said, the more unsure and quiet she sounded.

"I'm sorry Kris, that's hard." What else should one say to news like this? The movie examples did not help me.

"I hate disappointing people." She spoke regretfully. That was the last word I got out of her on the subject.

Instead of taking a dating/boy hiatus like most people, it increased exponentially and not for the better. She only gave herself two days of breakup recovery time. I could only say, "Are you sure?" and "Let's just have a girls night in and eat ice cream instead!" so many times. It all fell on deaf ears. Kris was intransigent. She became extra sensitive to anything I said, even when it didn't pertain to her at all. "Today was exhausting, I'm devitalized. The computer crashed three times when I was almost done with my paper. I barely got it in on time."

"That's not my fault!" she snapped. Huh?

"I'll get my homework done, stop hounding me," Kris hissed out.

I could only blink in response, caught off guard. Sometimes similar happened when I mentioned a movie I didn't like or a movie I wanted to see in theatres. It didn't matter what the subject was.

When I was swamped with terms I had to memorize, I laid out 3x 5 notecards in three sections all over the floor. Kris normally would just let me be while I studied. Instead as she walked past, she pronounced loudly "Are you just Ignoring me now?!" Being baffled was becoming normal, fast. When I started to spend more nights in the library, Kris was personally offended. "Are you ignoring me now?" "Tread lightly, eggshell flooring here, Marie," I told myself. "No, I've had an increase in my workload lately. I've even been going to the quiet floor so I could concentrate better."

"Why can't you concentrate here? Is the dorm not good enough?"

"Uh...no, it's great. But the library has computers, I don't have a laptop." I don't remember her response, but I do know she wasn't pleased. I mentally threw my hands in the air and sighed. I couldn't win.

Stress came in several layers. Something was going on and I was not getting answers. I went for more daily walks or spent time at the gym. I was a complete stranger to it, but I had asked my fit classmate to show me the ropes. She just showed me the basics, the cardio section, dumbbells, certain machines, body weight exercises, and stretches. She even wrote some workouts down for me so I could follow them on my own. I only had two lessons, but the lessons and notes were immensely helpful. I wanted to offer something in return, but I didn't know what. I had to tell myself to not compare my workouts to theirs, although it was harder to follow through in practice.

I'll never forget when someone in Women's health class said "Comparing yourself to others is like comparing an experienced runner to a toddler learning how to walk. It's just not fair." and "Don't compare your weakness to another's strength." It was hard not to let myself be intimidated.

The last few guys Kris had been out with have been gross. Chester? He had piercings in too many places. Another guy reeked of alcohol. How could these guys get anything from someone like Kris when Leo actually treated her well. I didn't expect her to be with Leo for long, but she seemed happy. Now she came home from her parties, hangouts, or dates pale, with her forehead creased and exhausted. It was palpable from across the room. How did she have time for these things? Her school load was substantial and she taught a yoga class each Monday at 9pm. I had no concrete idea of who she would "date-date," but I just hoped it would help her life out, not exhaust her. I honestly wouldn't mind if she took a break from dating and got more sleep instead.

She has taken care of me so often; when I had that nightmare, getting me clothes and clothes advice, taking me to the herb shop, getting me glasses and contacts, and turning a stress bake session into a cookie party. I could name fifteen more things. I felt good in that I knew she wasn't drinking; she had valid reasons and it never tempted her. That was something we had in common. I felt good knowing there would never be alcohol in our fridge. I hoped it would stay that way.

One night I got brave enough to ask the questions that have been circulating. I set aside my textbook and waited for Kris. It was her nightly habit to rest on the couch. Her hair was wet from the shower and she looked more drained than I've seen her. She's been more lively during finals week. I was worried about her.

"K?" I started out hesitantly. "Are you doing okay? You look tired."

With a bitter tone, she replied "Just freakin peachy, ladeda." How does one respond to that?

"Is there anything I can help you with? You haven't asked me to go over any study questions lately."

"I haven't felt like it."

"Well, I'm willing to if you want help," I quietly offered.

"If you wanted to help, you could get a freakin phone." Her tone was even more acidic than before. I knew it was annoying but she never complained about it.

"I don't want to get one." I said matter of factly. "I told you why."

"I don't want to get one," Kris mimicked. "You're so paranoid. No ex-boyfriend of yours will ever want to reach you anyways. They stopped talking to you on purpose." Ouch. Her sarcastic and resentful tone cut deeply. It felt like little swords entering me. I breathed in deeply to prevent tears.

"So you don't want help?" I asked half-heartedly and hesitantly in a quiet voice. I was going to lose it and soon.

"I don't need any help. I'm doing just fine." her tone clearly finishing the conversation.

The stress around the apartment had been unbearable. I took solace in all my classes, even the one where I sat next to Trevor. That was saying something. I learned if I didn't say what was on my mind long enough, it would blurt out eventually. Sometimes in the worst moment. That's how our fight got started.

"Do you even like these guys you go out with? None of them make you happy. Actually, I see you happier when you get home from those dates, after they leave, " I noted.

"I don't know. Does it matter? Does anything?"

"Yes. You matter. I want you to be happy."

"Harrumph" Arms crossed and her shoulders tensed.

"Why do you go out with these losers!?" my tone became more impatient as my filter evaporated, I had to know!

"If I fall for a jerk, it's easier to get over it. If I fall for a good guy and lose him, it hurts more. Plus me being seen with those guys would make my parents crazy."

I stared at her. What? I waited a minute to speak, stunned. "You don't need to date someone just to spite your parents. That's crazy. You can do that in much better ways."

"Like what?"

"Like the time you paid for that girl's lunch the other day, or tutored me in math and half the class. Those ways will make you happier, much happier. Being treated badly by someone else in your present, that will just hurt you. You deserve better. " I implored. I wanted to shake her until the message got through. Kris stood up, knocking the napkin holder off the table.

"What do you know about happiness? You can barely talk with a guy when the conservations veer beyond school topics. You mope around more than anyone I know," she shot at me. In shock, my mouth opened like a fish. What was happening?

'I went on that date with the brother successfully," I added in a futile attempt to help my resume.

"Only because I asked you," she replied in a bitter tone I didn't understand.

"I don't mope around much anymore...only when—" I got cut short.

"Only when you wake up from those dreams or you hear Doogie's real name" She bit out, anger in her eyes. I couldn't breathe, this wasn't happening. My best friend is- I wiped away a tear as I ran and got my shoes. My hands shook so the task took twice as long. Kris was there on her punching bag when she wasn't in class or on terrible dates. I hoped she didn't imagine my face on the bag when she jabbed it.

After spending half an hour with my comfort book at the library, the emotions came in thick waves. This was not Columbo, this was not Jake; I chanted to myself. This corner was always vacant this time of night. I was exhausted, I had multiple tests each day this week and was low on sleep. I didn't want to go home, couldn't. I knew Kris had a temper but it had never been aimed at me and I didn't like it. In fact I hated it.

I ended up falling asleep at the desk. I somehow woke up around five in the morning and snuck out of the building. Luckily I only had one class today and my art supplies were always kept there. I loitered around campus, walking around aimlessly until eight, when my class started. I knew Kris would be in class when I went home after mine. I slumped on my bed. Hopelessness filling my heart. I felt helpless and hopeless. I did my best to cope, but I admit it was a struggle. That stupid fight wouldn't leave my head.

Shelah noticed I was vacant during archery club.

"Are you okay?"

"Um. Not really...I got into a fight with my roommate."

"Oh, that's not fun. Been there, done that."

"Really?"

"Please, it's college. Everyone struggles with sharing a room, especially when they're overtaxed. Emotions can run high." Her hand waved at the "please;" if it was a sound it would be 'psh'.

"No kidding." Story of my life.

"You could hang out at my apartment if you wanted. Well, in general and right now when it's weird to be home."

"You're a lifesaver. I will definitely take you up on your offer." I spoke relieved as I let out a breath.

"Cool, we're really chill."

"I'm in, I can just hang back and read, so I'm not in your way."

"Ah, don't worry about it. You got this." she high-fived me and helped me up from the ground.

It had been a week since Kris blew up at me. I didn't spend every day at Shelah's, but I had been there a few times. It helped me get my bearings and relax. I got along well with her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend. They've been dating nearly since the day they met. They told me the story of it in a cute way couples-in-love do.

"You forgot the part where you took off with my book."

"Oh, that's right. Thanks, love." He squeezed her hand.

"I had to get my book back and that's the only reason I had the nerve to talk to him again."

"I'm forever glad you did; it changed my life." She smiled, glowing.

"Anyways, that's when he had to ask me out four times, since I didn't understand a word he said the first three times."

"Can you blame me? I was nervous. Isn't she just gorgeous?" Anna blushed. I laughed, grinning. Love was infectious. It had a way of making anyone feel better.

"We've been dating ever since. You know, I never thought I'd want a boyfriend. My parents' divorce was so messy that they made us go to therapy, just in case." I shook my head.

"That's crazy. My parents also divorced but I was a baby. My mom remarried though." I replied.

"What about your Dad?"

"Ah, he's a quiet guy in a quiet town. Maybe someday?" Hah, quiet. That was an illusion. It was supernatural central, more than I even knew.

"Are you dating anyone, Marie?" Anna with almost white blonde hair asked.

"No, I just recovered from two big heartbreaks. I'm taking a hiatus at the moment."

"Oh, rough. I'm sorry." I smiled and shrugged, it wasn't their fault. "Have you been on any dates since?"

"Just one, it was a double date, it was pretty casual."

"Well if you are ever ready for dating again, I have brothers. We have a lot of guy friends who are awesome. Dave knows everyone." He nodded, he was very extroverted.

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." Shelah then joined in the conversation, veering off into which celebrities we loved, which then turned into a friendly banter of which ones we couldn't stand also. I was rejuvenated.