Ch 11

At first I was furious at Kris. Part of me wanted to be mad at her forever. But the better part of me knew there was more going on than I knew. We both came here traumatized and suffering; I got sad, she got mad. We were both sad underneath. I had anger I needed to release as I found out the other day. She needed to see the sadness underneath her emotional layers.

In pursuit of finding what forgiveness was and how to do it, I went to the library and compared and contrasted five books. In essence, the idea was that forgiveness was for you. It helped you let go of unnecessary things, people, and grudges that only held us back. I read and saw many examples of the other person asking for it first, but sometimes they never do. I could hold my breath for Doogie's and Columbo's forgiveness speeches, but I would pass out from lack of air. I'm not counting on it in this lifetime.

Forgiveness does not mean that you want to be near that person again or be on talking terms with them. It was letting them go and being free from my past. I needed to give this a try for me, it was time. I started small with Mike just because he was annoying. It doesn't mean he deserved years of daggers thrown at him. I didn't want Mike in my life, nor did I want Doogie — he was done. I wanted Kris around, she was my best friend. Kris was talented, outgoing, brave, smart, and outspoken; on the other side she was hurt, was born in a stifling home, her true desires were ignored most of her life, and more things than I knew now. Yet she continued to tutor math to anyone who asked and was very kind to others—most of the time. How do I show her that the ice had thawed?

The tall red-headed owner's phone kept going off, vibrating loudly. The phone got chucked into the junk drawer and turned off. Her hurt face appeared when reading emails. Things were connecting for me. She reacted like this before that time she broke plates when she read an article in the newspaper. That must be related. In hopes it would help, I started to put leftovers in tupperwares with notes. In our computer coding class, I would pass a note to her in hopes she would read it. I missed her; we slept in the same room but she felt far away. The week was long. I needed her help with my contacts but after poking myself fifteen times, I was able to plop them in my eye. I recycled the same outfits as before, since my fashion decision maker was unavailable. My heart was getting heavy, and a dark dew of loneliness settled onto my field of flowers.

I started to hang out with the neighbors and went to more movie parties, impromptu picnics on the lawn, and a day hike with Brittany. I knew Kris had friends beyond me, she went to parties and dates often. And I wasn't a hermit, either, between yoga, archery, computer coding class research, walks, workouts at the gym, and random adventures with the school outdoor program. Overall, I was swamped. Charlie also called several times about whether I would be home for Christmas or not.

I scheduled things out in advance so I was aware of campus events. I liked seeing the plays and the traveling dance groups. I ended up going to the ballroom dance performance alone because no one else could make it. I felt sad at first but in the end I didn't mind because I was branching out. This was good, even healthy. I started to wear my short hair in pigtails, ponytail and braided. It made me feel cute. I discovered I didn't hate all hats, just the huge brimmed hippie hats that my mother made me wear.

It had been three weeks since Kris snapped. I kept trying, leaving out her favorite snacks and food, notes wishing her a good day. Yesterday I learned to make a paper flower from an origami book and left it on her desk. I had no expectations of what going home would be like anymore. I didn't like it.

As I read my chapters for the night in the kitchen, Kris had the room right now. I've been letting her have her own space. Politely put, I overheard a very tense phone conversation.

"No. I'm not going back. No amount of money or false promises would entice me. My life was stifling and I was dying inside. I won't be controlled anymore."

A pause. "I never chose that, I never wanted that. I tried to tell you countless times." Another pause. "How can you say I wasn't grateful? I tried so hard to please you that I nearly starved myself once, I couldn't breathe right, smile right, talk right, remember when you said my breathing made me look fat? It embarrassed you in front of your boss—"

"I'm embarrassing you now also? Great. Add it to the list, it must be as long as the Nile by now." Her snarky tone was filled with hurt. "You gave me 'everything', but only as leverage to take it away when I didn't please you. You even deprived me of moments in my childhood that everyone else got to have. I never even had the chance to have those memories. I'm surprised the CIA didn't hire you as a physiological torture expert."

I nearly laughed. It is such the wrong time for that. "I will not take that back. I will never apologize for living and growing and learning on my own—"

The sound of tears being muffled filled the background. "All those voice lessons? Did I even want those or like them? My teacher was crotchety, mean, and insulted me every lesson. I promise on Jim Morrison's grave I told you."

"Remember how I got grounded for three weeks because I messed up once on one line during the recital? I'm human, we make mistakes. You are one too, in case you forgot." "How can you not remember that? That memory will never leave my brain. I missed my birthday that year in that three week period because 'I didn't deserve it.' I was 13, I missed my first teenage birthday party."

My eyes went wide. Everything was clicking together for me, a puzzle was being completed in my mind. "You were a teen too, remember? Were you perfect and did you hit every note on the piano? No! No one does, not even Beethoven," Kris scoffed. 'I'm sorry I had no talent for ballet, and that you didn't get a professional ballerina for a daughter. Why do I need to live out mom's dreams, or your dreams? When can I have mine?" An object was thrown into the closet with soft crash noises. 'You— you never saw me. You only saw me as a chance to live what you couldn't — that's NOT fair.'

A long pause where I imagine Kris had her hands in her head. "I was-am invisible and I couldn't make you see me, for who I am if I was a magician." Her breathing had turned into hyperventilating but she managed to control it, even though her voice was filled with agony. "You. Were. Never. A father. A father would NOT make your only other 'perfect' daughter marry an abusive, ugly cretin with the money and proper breeding; proper my foot' She murmured the last line. "My sister had bruises on her, manhandled in front of you. You laughed. Laughed! And then patted him on the back." Another disbelieving scoff was heard. "Of course you don't 'remember' that. Your memory has always been extraordinarily 'selective'. You should be in a scientific study." Kris half murmured the last line, just loud enough for me to hear her.

"She tried to tell you, showed you proof—"

A small growl escaped. "She didn't marry him for her, she married him for you. To please you. It's a sickness, that game. One we can never win and keep our souls intact….and you wonder why I ran away across the country." Angry huffs. "You, Mr. CEO of a fortune 500 company, are not this vapid." Tear-filled voice tones echoed in the room. "I'm finally a person, with real friends, hobbies, interests, and dreams. I'm living my life with freedom and not one ounce of it is going to include you." Click. "He wouldn't know what freedom was if it hit him in the face. Ugh!" Frustration oozed throughout the room. Kris's tears punctuated deep painful sobs that could cut you to the quick. If you think you've seen every sad part in all movies, you were unprepared for this.

I decided that this was the time I would make my debut. I grabbed water bottles, a box of tissues, and chocolate bars with me. At the last minute I put all of the items on a cookie tray and served it like a "breakfast in bed" moment. I didn't know if my presence would be welcome so I stood at the door with the tray. It took her a full minute to notice me. She looked...a mess. Her hair had fallen out of her braid, eyes glowed red and puffy, snot, and she was shaking and holding herself. The wind was knocked out of me mentally as I realized this WAS me, for months. Her eyes, usually sharp and interested, just looked tired.

A fresh sob made an entrance while she just said " Oh, Marie'' and I took my chance and put the tray down and held out my arms. She stood and closed herself into them and I just held her. Like she did me when I woke up from me falling into my death nightmare. We sat down and I scratched her back and let her sob, or mumble incoherent words, or just stay silent. "I'm soo sorry, I was such a jerk. I hated how right you were. I reacted so badly. I never want to act like my father again or date guys like him. Never again. I'm sorry!"

We were there for a while. She laid down on the bed and held a pillow while she calmed down. I was able to coax her into some water and food. My eyes were filled with tears not long into the hug. Even the world's manliest man would cry in that hug.

As she took a shower I ordered takeout from our favorite Chinese place and put on a background movie. Homework could wait this time, because people mattered more. She opened up as we ate.

"That last guy I went on a date with creeped me out. I can't believe I did that." I couldn't help but agree.

"Did you see his eyes? they were dilated and dark."

"I owe so many people apologies and some ginormous apologies. Do you think Leo will ever forgive me?" I didn't know. A pause as she swallowed her fortune cookie. "Where do I even start?"

"This right here, it's a great start."

She spoke in a resigned tone. "Yeah."

An hour later she turned to me in the kitchen and said "I read all of your notes and got all the food, thank you." We hugged once more while another tear leaked out. "I thought I cried all of those out," she said with a throaty laugh.

"I'm glad those notes were okay, I wanted to let you know how I felt."

"I kept all of them."

I smiled, my heart warm.

I had a brilliant suggestion.

"We could celebrate your belated thirteenth birthday if you wanted, do something a young teen would do; like roller skating or arcade games."

"And ice cream cake?"

"Sure, whatever you like. And we could put 13 candles on it."

"I would really love that. You're the absolute best, M." She reinforced the hug. I spoke into her hair. "I really missed you, K".

"Well I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here." She finished with a joy filled tone of relief. I definitely missed something here, but I'll have to ask later. She sad-chuckled. "I've been banished from the state of Massachusetts most likely."

"I exiled myself from the state of Washington." We let go and laughed. We were quite the pair of misfits.

Life is full of second chances, to those who want them. The bright side to these tough few weeks is that Kris and her Mom's relationship has continued to improve gradually. Her mom wasn't allowed to 'officially' talk to her, although she did so through a payphone when she could and letters were sent from a secret side P.O. box. She apologized for any extra pressure added upon her daughter's shoulders, consciously and unconsciously done.

Although in Kris's words her mom was "overall powerless but helpful," she had a secret bank account to help Kris out. It was money that was going to go to her anyways in time. Kris was not an extravagant spender, so it would last her much longer than four years. I was glad for my roommate. I couldn't imagine having a secret like that in a marriage. At the same time, I partially understood. It gave her maternal parent some happiness, no matter how little, and it would go a long way in a terrible marriage. It helped create a rope ladder where the bridge had been irreparably burned.

I was brought out of my reverie by the loud boom of my professor's voice starting class. We were doing our computer class presentation of a fake website we created. Due to my fight with Kris, I was forced to pair up with Trevor instead, who was filled with mischievous glee. The whole thing had been hair-pulling and taxingly difficult. It had been a tug-of-war negotiation of who would do what. I would've given in and done all of it a year ago but now I held my own. I didn't mind that he called me stubborn and lead footed. It actually was a huge compliment that boosted my confidence, but I didn't fill him in on the fact. I grudgingly admit he wasn't terrible and had some talent in it. I knew one thing with certainty, his work ethic drove me batty. The proudly lazy, brown eyed juvenile manchild stood up when it was our turn.

I put in the jump drive and thought of what Kris told me before the first presentation I had to do during freshman year. "You don't need to be smart to be in politics, just be a good liar and have stage presence." It helped then and now. I took a deep breath as I mentally went over my outfit. It looked fine. I went first since I didn't trust Trevor with the opening. "Our made up company is a protein shake company, Shakeyz." When it was Trevor's turn I nudged him with my foot. Slightly panic stricken, he was looking at the white wall in the back. Huh, he never said a word about this before. I tapped his arm and mouthed the next line. I tried to copy Kris's perfect posture and pulled my shoulders back and kept my head high. I even practiced in the mirror this morning.

Trevor finally spoke after an awkward pause. "We chose a bold color for the front page with minimal pictures..." Ten minutes later I concluded while Trevor used the laser pointer. When we practiced this yesterday, he would aim anywhere but the mentioned areas. I threatened to kick him if he aimed at my eyes. I breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't repeat that. I remembered to look at three spots in the room in rotation the whole time instead of at one person. I did that last time and it came across a little weird and he squirmed in his seat, poor guy. I apologized after.

After the class ended I reluctantly went up to Trevor to commiserate about our decent presentation. I sighed before I spoke. "We did okay up there." Wow, that's a great compliment.

"Wasn't too shabby." I looked at his face to see if that was sincere. I think it was..?

"Yeah. Well, see ya." I stiffened before shuffling out the door.

Kris caught up to me. "That was an interesting 'heartfelt' congratulations."

I snorted. "That's as heart-to-heart as I can get with him. He just irks me."

"Really..I didn't know.." Kris replied dryly. "Very mature of you to be nice to him." On the word nice was a mordant edge.

"Hey, I censored myself." I threw my hands in the air, as best I could carrying a book. I admitted with a sigh. "He did come through in the end."

The semester was over, having gone by in a flash. Our new dilemma was what to do for Christmas. Charlie was practically begging me to come "home." It wasn't my home. "Bells..." — I shuddered as Charlie called me by that name — "I haven't seen you in a year." I groaned into my pillow. I was a terrible daughter. I knew that If I came back, even for a week I would be taking fifteen steps backward. Maybe one day I would be strong enough.

Christmas was a small affair. I found a book on DIY Christmas decorations, who would have thought? I made tiny Christmas trees out of construction paper. Kris wrote me a letter for a gift. It meant more than ten dozen diamond necklaces that I would never wear. I gifted her a pass on the tram so she could see all the prettiest sights Albuquerque had to offer.

"Galvanic"

"Bumfuzzled."

"Splendiferous."

"Splendiferous? Is that a real word?" Kris explained.

"Yes. It's a fancy way of saying gorgeous or sensational."

"Fine. You win." A small smile showed behind her fake pout.

"I could be more obnoxious and say 'This view is filled with such splendiferousness: impressiveness of beauty on a large scale." Kris burst into laughter.

"Well it's true, this scenery is incredible. This is one of the best presents I've ever had."
"Ever? You came from a palatial and rich family."

"More like disdainful ostentatious snobs" Kris murmured to herself, before replying louder "This is meaningful, something that they aren't capable of." I pretended to not hear the first part. I knew she would be processing for a while.

Kris pov

Kris left Marie while she napped. Her roommate and best friend was fantastic, but she needed to recharge her batteries alone. Her sister was like that also. Silence had been loud lately for Kris, and she was in search of something social, musical — anything with noise really. After driving around for a while, Kris' ears spotted music playing from a community theatre building. She parked the car and walked by the sign and looked at her watch. She was just in time for a play, Pretty Woman. That wasn't just a movie? Why not?

Kris's disastrous family life had crept into her thoughts far too often. Tonight, it was no different but this time it helped. The lyrics to 'I can't go back' had struck a chord. "You make me happy. You know just what to say. But I ain't Cinderella. Who'd want to be anyway. Of all the things I wanted. The one thing I never got. Is to be treated like somebody. Just to have a shot. I can't go back, No, I can't go back. But now you got me thinking. About working on a dream. I'm not quite there yet. I'm somewhere in between. I hear you talking. How I deserve the best. A voice inside my head keeps saying: "Don't settle for less". At this point Kris had tears fill behind her eyes.

She could count on one hand the people prior to college who had said anything like that. It was quite the opposite. In her best friend, though, instances were innumerable. Marie had written similar things in the kind notes while she had been an outright jerk, and Marie had just waited her out. Anytime she had doubts about her future, she could count on Marie to say variations of "It's ok to dream, you deserve a future, your future." Kris knew her brown-haired friend had struggled greatly behind her shrugs and half-smiles, and watching her progress had been awe-inspiring. Kris knew very little of the reasons behind the relationship downfalls, but was aware her old dreams had plunged down the life change waterfall rather harshly.

"I can't go back! I've seen a different world. I can't go back! I'm a different girl. I can't go back to who I was before. I can't go back! I always wanted more. I have regrets. But I can't change the past. I want the real things. Is that too much to ask? For the first time in my life, It gets to be my choice. I feel I've found myself. Yeah, and I found my voice. I can see my future in all my plans. I'm gonna be okay. This is who I am!"

The song had ended but Kris's tears hadn't. The words "for the first time in my life, it gets to be my choice," had echoed in Kris's head as she was falling asleep. Fate had stepped in with all those motivating songs. She was someone, and it was time to start believing in herself wholly.