Ch 12

I was surprised by Kris's choice to take a psychology class, and doubly surprised by her decision to declare a major this semester. I choked mid-swallow on my green tea when she bounced in and sang-yelled her announcement. Now voice lessons had been out of the bag and I knew she was amazing during her frequent bursts of singing. It was nice to see change her mind about her vocal talent. I was getting more sure by the day of what I was going to declare for myself. I had examined the major and minor classes and added an 'intro to electronic art' class to my load. I was finally going to be done with the general classes. It was also my turn to tutor Kris in her English class. She had added and dropped that class three times now, but hopefully this time it would take.

The week had been brutal, and by Thursday I felt fried. I'd forgotten to bring my binder to class, and Kris and I were preparing for a computer project. I didn't think we'd been in the semester long enough to have one yet, but there it was. We sat with notebooks from our other classes in front of us, pretending to look busy. This teacher, Mr. Peters was stern and observant.

Friday morning I ran into the kitchen grabbing my array of items. I had fallen asleep on the couch doing the day's readings and now I was running late. "Kris, have you seen my...whatchamacallit book?" I yelled.

She paused after yawning, not fully awake. "Uh...I need more."

"I can't think of the name. It starts with...Well...UGH!"

Kris stretched her arms as said "Calm down, calm down; what's it look like?"

"It's white trimmed with a picture of a random building on it."

"All our textbooks have that white trim."

I grunted." Not helpful."

"You can't remember the title or subject?"

I sighed. "NO, it's a blank spot. Urg, I have to go." I was out of time.

"Why did you sign up for such an early class on a Friday?" I glared at my roommate. She ignored me while turning to look at her coffee.

"Thanks for your support." I grumbled as I shoved my stuff in my bag. "I'm sure I had a reason." I called out before slamming the door shut.

It turned out I made a bigger deal about the silly textbook than I needed to. We didn't even use them. I'm sure I could've just shared it with my neighbor, but I wasn't thinking clearly. Being overtired and underfed did a number on me. I didn't mean to not eat enough, I just forgot. I was nervous about helping plan the first meeting of the archery club, and also all the homework getting piled on top of me. I got an overpriced grilled cheese sandwich and chips from the cafeteria. I didn't feel like being inside with artificial light, so I headed outside to eat and get my stress level down. I didn't want to give myself an ulcer before I was 20.

A younger girl was walking around with her older sister. "Campus is so BIG, my school is nothing compared to this. I'd get lost without you"

"You get used to it, Lucy."

"Is everyone here so tan? Even that girl!" The older sister shook her head. There was no stopping Lucy once she got talking. Lucy changed the topic once more and walked into the building.

Who's "that girl?". I looked around and there was no one else around besides some guy reading a book. Wait, I'm "that girl?" I'm tan? I examined my arms and they weren't so pale anymore. I hadn't even noticed. It looked natural, healthy even. When did this happen? I spent the rest of the day noticing tanness thanks to that girl. I wasn't the tannest, by far, but I wasn't the palest, either. Apparently being in the middle was 'tan'. That girl got my mind off my stress, and I wanted to thank her.

"Are you sure?"

"For the hundredth time, I'm positive."

"It's a big change," I implored. I wanted the right choice for her. Kris put her hands on my shoulders, as she often did when she was serious and looked at my eyeline.

"We've been talking about it for weeks. We both love coding, website building, we both want to build our own computers, and more. We rocked those ridiculous projects Professor Peters assigns. We got the top grades in the class this semester. We can do this as a career. I see you actually smile when we are in class. When everyone else is confused, we aren't. If we are, you are willing to search all day for the answers. This is a good sign."

She stared at me until I swallowed and nodded. I began speaking.

"I want it to be right for you. We've talked about our future potential business in casual conversations. We might've been joking about it at first. You came here to make your own life, choosing your direction. I don't want you to declare this as your major if it's not what you really want." I did not want to control her like her father tried to.

Kris let go of my shoulders and laughed as she spun around a few times. I looked at her, puzzled. "You aren't telling me for me, you're trying to convince yourself! You're more nervous about this than I am."

"What? No.." I looked away to look at a dog running in a yard. Kris sighed.

"Look, M, when I declared in the kitchen weeks ago I wanted coding for my major, I was certain. I knew you wanted coding to be your major months before I did. Why can't you let yourself have this?" Gah! She knew me too well; she even knew when I was lying to myself. What was I afraid of?

We ran/walked for more blocks. I was training for a 5k, a new goal I had for the semester. Kris just wanted to run/walk for fun. What was I afraid of? A number of thoughts came to my mind, only this time I could sort through them. Half of them were excuses and fears, which combined to be chicken exits. "If you make a firm decision and make a mistake, you'll have one more regret." "If you choose this, you'll be missing out on other majors. There are so many classes you have not taken yet." "You won't be good enough!" "You have a lot to learn, you know practically nothing about coding." "What if it's too hard?" "What if you get judged and people think you're crazy?" "What if I embarrass myself?"

The other thoughts were questions, some helpful; some not. What if I do succeed? Will this make me happy? What if I had the knack for this? What could this lead to? What if we actually create a business for ourselves? Would the business be successful? What if I had fun? What else would I even want to do? What if I change my mind? Well, then, I'll change it. No big deal. What if I love this major? Then why am I hesitating? Why am I hesitating?

I want this, I like this, I enjoy this. I even like it when it's hard and confusing. Kris was right that I would happily search all day for an answer. I'm willing to work at it. A half mile later I stopped and spoke out loud since our earlier conversation. "You're right." Kris breathed a few times and looked at me. "Yes, I know." I rolled my eyes.

"I am nervous, but I want this so much. I'm scared because I am sure. But I was so sure about my last big decision about my ex also. What if I'm wrong again? I'm not sure if I'll be able to pick myself up again." I covered my face with my hands. "I hate being disappointed. This time I wouldn't have anyone else to blame." Not that I wanted to either. I liked being in charge of my life.

Kris removed my hands from my face, gently led each arm to be wider, as if I was going to do a jumping jack. "You need to open up. Let yourself feel and open up to wonderful possibilities, just as you let me in. Amazing things will happen in your life if you do. Even ones you don't know about or can imagine." Kris paused and did the same thing. I almost put my arms down but the look on her face stopped me. "I learned about this in psychology class. Power poses. It helps the mind open if you physically do them."

"Won't people think this is weird?"

"Let them. This isn't about them." Wow, all my insecure thoughts and questions quieted in one statement. "What if you aren't nervous, but you're excited instead?"

I tried it out. "I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited." I repeated. It took a few more times for that to enter into my conscious mind. "What are the other poses?" The superman pose was next, to help in encouraging and empowering yourself. "I can do this. I can declare my major. I can decide and choose this." Kris smiled, satisfied and did it as well. She even got louder each time. We ended up yelling our affirmations into the air. After that we fell into laughter and giggled while we raced each other home.

As we both lay in each of our beds we chatted. It wasn't unusual but this time it was a more serious talk, continuing from before. "No one knows what the future holds. That is what makes it so fun. Take it from me, having a choice in your own life is the greatest thing ever. Now that I can, I do what my heart says." Kris uttered softly.

I spoke. "I don't want to blame anyone about my future. I don't want to tell anyone that my life was ruined because of them. I spent too much time blaming Doogie and Columbo."

"To be fair, you haven't in a while. You've enjoyed life, whether it's been laughs or tears."

"True." I nodded to myself.

"In the future we will remember these moments and laugh. Struggle is part of the growth." At this Kris sighed before speaking again. "Even though it's hard."

"It does make us stretch ourselves." I spoke thoughtfully.

"How else will we reach the top shelf?"

"You already can." I quipped. Kris made an amused sound.

"Being 5'10" does have its advantages." I could imagine her grin. "Dear daddy dearest hated my height. I did too at first, but when I realized I couldn't please him for anything, I loved it. It was nature's way of defying his weird, deformed paradigm." Kris usually spoke about her father in a bitter tone but tonight it was calm and relaxed with just a hint of bitter; a definite improvement.

"Nature one, father nada."

"My mom told me that my sister and her awful husband are separated." Kris said quietly, unsure if she believed it or not.

"Nature two, father zilch." I didn't know what else to say about it.

"Here, here!"

A week later and it was official. My major was Computer Coding with a minor of Business Marketing, and Kris declared the major of Computer Coding with a minor of Business Finance. We had so many ideas, and if it succeeded we could open a business together one day. The breeze was strange and rebellious, and who knew where this breeze would take us. We only knew the winds called our names. Neither Kris nor I knew where we were headed, but it will certainly make some memories along the way. The city of dreams awaited us.

In celebration we went indoor rock climbing. A more experienced climber took pity on us and helped us out. I think he had a small crush on Kris, but he was out of luck if that was the case. She was now on a dating hiatus until she could trust herself to date decent guys. She deserved someone amazing.

"There is a foothold by your left knee. Good. Reach a few inches higher and to the right is a hand hold. Nice!" My arms were shaking a little bit, and my breathing increased. Who knew climbing made you out of breath? Keep my hips close to the wall, shift my weight, release my right foot...

"Almost there, Marie!" Kris encouraged. Just a few more holds and I would be at my goal for this ascent. Oh, that's why you need chalk. Dinging a bell was an odd reward system, albeit a cheap one. I found I loved the way down. I was almost floating. I hopped vertically downward until I landed on the ground and laid down for a minute.

"How'd that feel?" Nickolas asked as he held out his hand to help me stand up.

"Great!" I struggled to undo the knot so Kris could have a go. "Thanks for your expertise, I'm sure we won't be as bad next time," speaking sideways to our climbing guide.

"I concur. The belaying thing is good to have down."

I patted Kris on the shoulder and nodded in agreement before I spoke. "Thanks for not dropping me." Nickolas looked amused and dusted off his hands.

"It was fun, the world needs more climbers. You both have potential." I checked to see if he really meant just one of us, but no, he meant both. He was nice and incredibly helpful.

Kris went one more time, almost making it to the top. I didn't make it to the top either. Nickolas then showed us what bouldering was. I felt like such a tourist. Luckily, everyone here was so friendly it didn't seem to matter. It was crystal clear to see who was an expert. The bouldering walls were shorter and no one had a harness on, yay. It felt alleviating to take the harness off.

I sat down and watched as Kris was shown the ropes. Quietly, someone came up and sat beside me. I didn't recognize him at all. He looked at me with his green eyes.

"Hey."

'Hi," I said with a questioning tone.

"You don't remember me?" I shook my head.

"I'd love a reminder though." I said quickly. I wanted him to know I wasn't snubbing him. His previously slumped shoulders straightened out.

"Yeah, sure. We had an English and history class together last year." Oh, that semester.

"Last winter," I clarified in a matter-of-fact tone. When I was pale, overly thin, and frumpy. Oh, boy.

"Yep. I sat two rows behind you." He sounded more enthusiastic.

"Ah. Well, it's good to see you again.

"You too! Do you come climbing often?"

"It's my first time actually. Nickolas is showing me and my friend the ropes." I gestured to the mentioned person. He scooted an inch closer as someone landed near him with a thump.

"He's a cool guy, he's been working here for years."

"That explains why he sounds like he could tell us how to belay in his sleep." He laughed.

"How did you like it? Have fun?"

"It's clear I'm a beginner, but yes, I discovered I loved heights." He leaned his shoulder in. "Are you a regular?" I finished, just glad I didn't choke on the lump in my throat.

As I engaged in the conversation with whats-his-face, I should ask what his name is. I was unaware of Kris standing and smiling at this picture. Her eyes gleamed with happiness. As Nickolas went to get my attention, she stepped in and led him by the arm to the corner to ask a random question, unbeknownst to me.

He was now leading me to his favorite climb, a V2. "I always have a hard time in the beginning, since I'm not flexible."

"Oh, since you straddle the two spots. I think I can do it." I said, eyeing the wall. I got up and put my hands a hold lower than he indicated and arranged my feet. Yeah, that part was easy. I credit the yoga classes and having a yoga teacher as a best friend. Josh's eyes widened as I turned slightly, "What now?"

"How—" I heard his reply as I contemplated the yellow and blue marks.

"What?"

"You did that so easy."

"Just this part. The rest looks tricky." I said as I hopped off.

"Hey, Marie, what are you doing this weekend?"

"Just the usual homework and such." He rubbed his neck.

"Well…" The rest of the sentence was muffled but I heard the words 'date with me' at the end.

"You're asking me out on a date?" I was stunned.

"Is that surprising?. You have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen." He blurted out quickly before blushing. I scratched my head with wide eyes as I seemed to short circuit on my words. I heard the recording of Doogie's words playing in my head. "Who else would want you, Bella, If I don't?" I've heard it a hundred times in my worst moments, but this time I heard the sounds of the internal record breaking as the words were obstructed in mid-syllables.

"Marie, are you ok?" His words broke my concentration of my now broken but healing past.

"Yeah, I am now. Sorry, my mind went far away for a second." He waved it off in response

"Would you be interested?" I'd never seen someone look at me in earnest since my arrival to New Mexico.

"Yes." The answer came out without hesitation, startling me. He breathed a sigh of relief. My heart did the opposite, it's as if someone AED'd my blood pumping organ after it had been stalled all this time.

"Great!" He practically leaped up before remembering to act cool. I giggled as I smoothed my little ponytail, giving me a chance to recover from the heartbeats that came rushing out of the floodgates. I was alive again.

Kris and I were walking to the car while my mind was orbiting earth.

"This way, that's not my car." She steered me to the left.

"Earth to Marie Swan!". I looked at her with confusion, I hadn't landed yet. She sighed and helped me in. "When you're ready, I'd love to hear what is making your head whirl like a wooden spinning top." A water bottle appeared in my hand. After ten minutes it had been drained and I was alert again. "Finally."

I looked at Kris as I found my voice. "Oh hello there." She rolled her eyes. I was proud to announce, "I got asked out on a date."

"What!?" She hit the brakes hard as the water bottle flew out of my hand towards to door.

"Kris! We nearly hit the fire hydrant!"

"Never mind that, I want the dish. What was his name? What will you be doing?" Then before I could even open my mouth she continued. "Ooh! This is so exciting. He was cute! I thought he was flirting with you." I sighed, but smiled while I leaned back.

"Start driving safely and I'll fill you in."

I was putting in my contacts for the day. It was silly, but that final comment Josh had made about my eyes helped me settle on that color for my next order of contacts. I had been leaning strongly towards hazel, but this etched it in stone. I hummed to myself. It was weird to feel attractive. I was tan, hazel eyed, and cropped hair in pigtails, clothes that fit, and looked healthy overall. I felt pretty. There was a nice glowing feeling in my heart, almost as if it could speak out loud. I heard it breathe out a great sigh of happiness as my heart let go of a deep fear I didn't know I had — that no one would like me again. Just as things end, they can also begin. Change wasn't so bad.

I was sure nervous-excited though.

"You can do this." Kris was coaxing me to calm down

"A date by myself? You're the one who dates, not me!" I slammed my cup down harder than intended.

"Well, it's nature's and fate's way of saying, it's your turn now."

"So they know you've taken a break?"

"Apparently." She shrugged as she curled my hair. "Have a good time and just relax, have fun."

"Did you know he called me pretty?" It came out in a disbelieving tone. I couldn't help it. Doogie never complimented me.

"Then he is smart and has good taste." She finished the touches on my hair. "There, all done."

"Thanks. I'm not used to seeing it wavy." I looked in the mirror before I surveyed my ensemble. "I want to change my shirt, shorts, and...shoes."

"So the whole outfit?" I nodded. "If you didn't like it, why didn't you say so? I'm not offended."

"Old habits die hard."

"I'm not that girl, I can adjust," Kris remarked, emphasizing the last word.

"Alice and I know, I just forget I can speak my mind sometimes."

I heard Kris mutter "Me too," before she raised her voice. "One day you'll need to hire a personal shopper."

I laughed. "Don't I know it. Without you I'd be wearing ratty jeans and black shirts everyday."

"Don't forget those shoes that had more holes than material."

"I do have six pairs of shoes now, thank you very much." I defended in a fake offensive tone. Kris bumped my shoulder.

"Come on, we have a date to get you ready for."

"Yes ma'am".

"You like the British version more than The Office more than the American version?" he said, flabbergasted.

"Affirmative, I like Gareth more than Dwight."

"I thought Dwight nailed the role."

"Oh, he did but I'd still like the British one more overall. I know it's a different opinion," I shrugged with a small smile. I was surprised by how well our conversation was going.

"Well, to each their own. Let's sit here." He gestured to the park bench. As we sat down, he put his arm on the bench top, inches from my back.

"I have a confession."

"Yeah?" I raised my eyebrows.

"I saw you last semester, I was walking around the corner."

"That's interesting… not exactly a secret agent tied in a chair confession. Did you wave or anything?" He shook his head.

"Well that's not the interesting part, I saw you help that girl, the one who got dumped in the middle of the sidewalk by that jerk."

My eyes widened. "You saw that? I..I..didn't know anyone else was around."

"I thought it was really cool." Then it hit me, I told her stuff that I've only told Kris. That means he might have heard...my hands wrung together nervously.

"Did you happen to hear anything I said..?

"Just a sentence or two, I didn't hide and listen in the bushes or anything creepy. I only paused for a second." I relaxed my shoulders.

"Ah, I see. I'm glad you know you aren't a stalker." I teased. I was much more relieved than I showed.

"Sadly no. I walk way too loud to be stealthy. I guess being a secret agent is out of my career options also."

I tsk'd. "Shame. I only date James Bond types." I looked faux serious before my laughter burst out.

"I guess I'll have to learn, go to spy school." He grinned and relaxed. Getting a little bit closer to me. I really didn't know how to respond. Did I want to sit closer? Should I reciprocate?

"Would you mind telling me what you heard? I'm curious as to what part of my speech you got a glimpse of."

"Sure. You told her that it stinks when your heart is played like a fiddle but it's not an indication of her worth or value. That some people are blinded by their own fears to see you properly." My eyes got a little misty. It was weird having my words reflected back to me.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah.." I said in a forced casual voice. "Well, it's true."

"Was that spoken from experience? Did someone hurt you before?" His green eyes softened; it looked good on his face. I liked it.

I was about to just shrug but forced a real answer. "You could say that. It was a while ago. " I breathed in and out, hoping this confession wouldn't be too heavy for a "get to know you" date. "If it's not too embarrassing...this is actually my first real date since then."

I looked at his face to gage his reaction. I crossed my fingers, hoping I didn't ruin the moment. It didn't. Instead he put his arm around me gently and rested his forehead on my shoulder for a second.

"Well, I am honored. Not embarrassing at all. In fact, it's rather brave."

"Really?"

"Really." He spoke gently but reassuringly. I didn't know the look on my face exactly, those muscles felt rusty. It had been a long time. I knew it was a happy one though. When I didn't say anything else on the subject, he began again. "Where do you think a spy school is located?" He spoke thoughtfully with a mirth look in his eye.

"I'm pretty sure it's an elite government secret, so us common folk won't hear about it."

"Rats." He said as he snapped his fingers with mock disappointment. "I guess I'll have to DIY it."

"We could put cloth on the bottom of your shoes, just don't step on any leaves," I spoke playfully. He laughed and I took the plunge and scooted a half inch closer to him. It felt like a mile.