Ch 14

I borrowed Kris's car and took a trip to the herb shop.

"Hello, dearie, what do you need today?" the herb lady asked

"Nothing, just looking."

"You seem better."

"Huh?"

"You seem better since your first visit here. Your posture is a eons better and there is joy alive in your heart again."

"I didn't realize the change was so noticeable."

"Only to those who can see it. When a heart breaks, it doesn't make a sound. But someone with a heartbreak can hear others' heartbreak." That was beautiful.

"Who did you lose?"

"My husband, ten years ago."

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok. It was his time."

"I'm not sure a dumping qualifies on the same level of losing a loved one." I said, my face flushing.

"I don't know about that. Your journey, your path was completely disrupted, twice. Your roots to your chosen fate were dismantled against your will. That's not so different."

"How did...? Wait, twice?"

"How does anyone know? They experience things for themselves." She pulled up her sleeve. There were crescent moons on her forearm not once, but three times.

"Wait...what..what?" I was so confused. Words weren't working. That would mean...what? I'm sure my face looked positively hilariously perplexed. She just smiled.

"You're wondering why I'm still human. I would too. It's for a similar reason you are." I pulled up my own scar and compared it to hers. I could feel my face tensioning, confusion and somehow peace flooded in. How was it both? "I knew the reason you came in, even if you didn't."

"Why did I come in then?"

"Your heart." She put her hand gently near my heart. "Your heart was crying for repair and protection. Even if the vehicle for that was helping your 'mosquito attraction' problem." I had so many questions. "Your heart wasn't just broken, it was demolished along with your hopes and dreams. But today, it's humming nicely. Did you find a new dream?"

I smiled and nodded, I had solidified more each day.

"Do you think it worked? What other path of mine was disrupted? Did a 'mosquito' dump you also? When?-" She put her hand up.

"It wouldn't help to know about the second time, Dearie. The consequences of that are on another's shoulders, it's not your cross to bear." I nodded, she was probably right.

"My 'mosquito' was a stranger; he saved my life when I was just 15. I thought I imagined it for a long time." She handed me a water bottle and sat down. We were going to be here awhile.

She leaned forward with an arm resting on the table. "I've met others who knew about them besides you. They break more spirits, innocence, and trust than you know. That's why I'm so glad you kept coming back so I could see how you were progressing. I've been impressed each time."

I smiled and a little warmth crept in my heart. Someone cared for me and noticed things like my progress. "They care very little about us, even though they were one of us once. It's caused a lot of anger I had to let go. I've made it my mission to help as many who are injured in mind, heart, or spirit as I can. Especially if all three are injured." Oh. I knew where she was going with this.

"Was I one of those with 'all three'?" Her wrinkled face grew solemn.

"You were one of the worst cases I've seen." I breathed in; yup, yikes. "Your mosquito thought he knew you well, in some ways he might have. In every way that mattered, he was wrong. He underestimated you in multiple ways and lied to himself in all. There are two paths we can walk in this life, one of cowardice and one of courage. What path do you think he chose?" I considered his actions in the first week and last weeks I knew him.

"The cowardly path, every time." I answered. I fingered my hair while I thought. "His first reaction was to scare me off, make me feel frightened. He wanted me to call him a bug, a monster, and be disgusted by him. He wanted me to reject him. Instead I was drawn in. I couldn't convince him I wanted to stay and just be near him. I had to fight to stay multiple times". I realized now how tiring that was, fighting to stay where I wasn't wanted.

Full confession time, it was now or never. "I wanted to be a mosquito too, with all my heart." She nodded knowingly. "But you knew that, didn't you?" Her eyes gleamed, with no surprise filling them at all. I sighed and waited for her to speak but she motioned for me to continue. "The more I wanted it, the more he fought it. It drove me crazy. There was nothing I could do or say that would convince him." I was starting to get upset, an old upset. "Why didn't he listen to me or hear me? Didn't he love me? Why did he always run from me?" I wiped my tears as teenage frustration came out, I was surprised to see there was some left.

"A man, mortal or mosquito can get scared. They want love and when they have it they do all they can do to get rid of it. Sabotage is a real thing. Success causes many anxieties for them, it leads them to places and feelings they can't imagine. Fear of the unknown is common and the hardest to see, yet most dangerous and damaging. Then you jumped in with both feet at your first chance, completely fearless and it scared the hell out of him." I laughed while I scoffed. It's strange how laughter can be expressed at the same time as annoyance.

She continued on. "The caveat about having the fear of the unknown is being intimidated by others who don't share that consensus. That, my dear, is pride and ego, a relationship ruiner in every sense. Another level of fear is added. Then you wanted to be a mosquito as well, I assume, with full confidence and knowledge, pros and cons?" I nodded, I was in it one hundred percent. "He was never confident in his mosquito state. Not once, perhaps not even now. He was projecting his feelings on the matter, overriding his concern for yours.

"Your thoughts, your feelings and ambitions didn't matter one whit because he could only see his insecurities and fears. His eyes were closed with blinders on." That was weird, considering what his gift was. His behaviors made sense now, though. "He didn't see you or hear you, not really. Not where it mattered. He didn't want to. If he had chosen the courage path he would've let you go ahead despite of all his fears. He was selfish." She finished talking. I couldn't help but agree on everything.

"But he chose the cowardly path. I'm guessing there is another layer of fear added upon the previous ones?" Everything was making sense, connecting in new ways. A repeated thought came in, one I couldn't keep silent. "He was going to let me get old, while he stayed a mosquito forever and would have stayed with me. How is that better? How does that make sense?" I asked emotionally, my voice raising. I finally voiced the thought I had a hundred times before. It felt good. Yoga breathing, in, out and repeat. She let me have this time to process and calm down in silence. "The only way he was going to go his 'way' then was to—" I couldn't finish the sentence. Pain I had forgotten about and hadn't addressed now ached in spades.

She helped me out. "Was to hurt you the worst way possible. Where it would drive you away, for good. Despite all the pain it would cause him and you, it was better than challenging his ego, pride, and fear. It protected those less than favorable qualities. The amount of damage—" her even voice broke as well as her composure. She paused before she began again. "The amount of damage he caused you was insurmountable and would have broken anyone else."

My eyes widened as that sunk in.

"I always thought that...I was weak, lame, and a hundred other equally negative things. That's what the people in my old town thought." I looked at her.

She replied softly "Then they weren't your friends." In a louder voice she continued on. "That is the unfortunate consequence of his actions and poor communication with himself and you. The effect is a confidence killer for those who cared for him."

She grabbed my hands and looked at me straight. "But you, my dear, you are strong. You are a fighter. You are caring, compassionate, and more determined than anyone else I've seen. You don't need to be loud about these qualities to have them in spades. You bounced back from betrayal and soul-crushing heartache. Your heart was played with. But you have repaired and healed yourself, over time." She emphasized the words repaired and healed. It was true.

The phrase, "adversity makes you stronger," made sense for the first time.

"That takes strength. You are living a full life and have become your own person with new dreams. You are incredible and those who love you see them in you clearly. "

She motioned to the keys on the table as continued speaking. "Like your tall red-headed friend. She saw those in you since you met. She chose the courage path because she didn't let that intimidate her and has chosen that path for many other reasons. She elected to support, help, and befriend you." I smiled; Kris was all that and more. She was my best friend and maybe business partner, if that idea worked out. And if her dreams of us marrying twin brothers came true, then we'd be family one day. "The mosquito was blind to the most important things. He may not realize it yet, but that will become clear to him and crystal clear to you. " That last sentence was going to take a little time to sink in.

"How?" There was so much I didn't know yet.

"I don't know dear, that is up for fate and our choices to decide that." I let that go for now, I'll know eventually.

"You really saw me. I had no idea."

"One lonely person can see another 100 miles away. Though the lonely person may not be ready to approached for a time." That was true. I would not have been ready for this conversation a year ago. I had one more question to ask out loud; at least once, even if she had no answer.

"He could read minds as a special talent, but he could never read mine. Why was that?" She didn't look that surprised. I had so many questions.

She considered the question at hand for a few moments. "That's extremely interesting. I can't say for certain. There could be many reasons. Truthfully, I honestly don't think he deserved it. Like the sword and the stone, King Arthur had to earn that right. Your ex needed to as well and he never did the work. Untangling a web of lies is far more difficult than making the web itself. Had he proven himself, he would have seen the love in your heart fully and might have been able to see into your genuine and kind mind. I think anyways, that's my theory" she finished with. Well, it was a good one.

"You are one amazing therapist, you don't need to read minds to know what's truly going on underneath." I chuckled while I wiped my eyes. She merely shrugged. A train of side-thought came in. Doogie relied on his gift so much he never bothered getting this kind of skill this amazing lady had. Now's not that time for that thought. "Do you think I'll be able to fall in love again?"

"I have no doubts, dearie."

Wow, such confidence. I nodded, her positive attitude giving me hope. I finally had the courage to ask the question I had on my mind for the last hour.

"How do you know so much? These are things I haven't told anyone. Only very few people could understand so much..." She chuckled softly and straightened her back before responding.

"I was wondering when you were going to ask me that. To put it simply, I was bitten for a reason. This is a thing I've been able to do since I was small. I was saved from a life of being...utilized. I trust that this will remain between us?" I nodded vigorously. I was the soul of discretion when it came to things like this.

"Of course, definitely, I won't tell anyone. Thank you, so much. How can I repay you for everything?"

"Seeing you have joy and healing is all the repayment I need. I look forward to seeing more progress as you go. Although when you do fall in love again, I'd like to see the two of you together at least once. That would fill my heart with such happiness," she expressed sincerely. Talk about good timing. I promised I would do that. I wanted to stop by more often anyways. I never knew how much it meant to her. She squeezed my hand once before a customer came in. How had no one come in during the long talk? This was a strange day. It was a good day.

I arrived at the packet pickup for my race. I had printed off all the information and rode my bike to the large building. Luckily they knew there would be beginners and had obvious signs put up with huge arrows. What I hadn't expected was the huge crowd. There were booths everywhere, selling shirts, running shoes, headbands, gu's and waffles, medal plaques holders, picture stations, and so much more.

My eyes wide, someone with well defined quads in running shorts asked me if I needed help. I saw his bib, it said half-marathon. Suddenly I wanted to do one too. I wanted to hold one of my own. I had to start with a 5k first. That guy led me through the windy corners to the correct line and talked me through the process. Some people were really nice. I loved that people liked to share and show the ropes to beginners. I hoped to do the same in the future, in whatever.

I looked up my name, wrote down my bib number and waited in line. I thanked him and wished him luck. He was going for a p.r., a "personal record", then he could ring the bell at the finish line. Whatever I ran tomorrow would be my personal record.

"Number 435" I said as the volunteer who rifled through the files. Ten minutes later I held my sports bag with t-shirt, bib, and random flyers. I was examining the map, to where I would ride my bike or Kris would drop me off. I haven't decided yet. I splurged and got an athletic jacket I could run in and a jacket with the race logo on to wear normally. I bought Kris some old race clearance shirts, knowing she had been looking for workout clothes. A month ago I went to a running store and bought official running shoes. I had been using a cheapo pair that wasn't going to last long.

I was waiting for the race to start in a random parking lot. I re-tied my Brooke's Launch running shoes out of nervousness. They were purple and lime green. I don't know how they chose the colors. Some people looked positively bored and were chatting, as if nothing major was going to happen. They were in professional looking tank tops and shorts. Many guys didn't wear a shirt, actually most of them. Many were stretching or jogging in place to warm up. I was sitting awkwardly to the side, just waiting. I had never seen so many porta potties in my entire life. I was hoping for efficacious results of not stopping to walk once, besides the water stops I was told about and be under 30 minutes. I could do it, right?

At mile 2 I realized I was in the middle of the race. It sounds obvious but my body and mind felt it keenly. I was nowhere near done and I couldn't go backwards. I was in it and I had to make the best of it. But first I had to calm down my fast breathing. No wonder that half-marathon runner had defined quads, mine were burning. I've never gone this fast and I didn't want to go any slower. I was trying to keep up with the girl in the pink shirt, I liked her pace. It was after the time where I got passed by everyone faster than me, and everyone had their pace besides the runners who did random sprints to get a better placement.

My heart sank a little when the fastest people were already finished and were walking with medals. Man, they were lightning quick; well, as any humans could be. No one could compete with vampires, who, by the way, would never do this for fun. They probably would've laughed at me had I told Doogie about this. Keep up the pace, breath, drop your shoulders, and don't cross your hands in front. I read that by the side was best. Relax your arms, shake out your hands if needed. Drop your shoulders. Alright, this was feeling more natural. Despite being really tired I could see why people keep doing this. Ball to heel, lengthen the stride.

Yes! A water stand at mile 2.5 was just ahead. I was thirsty. My hands were shaking slightly when I grabbed a cup from a volunteer. The first water stop I wondered why the cups were only half full, only to know the answer a step later. That's all the water that made it inside people, otherwise it was dumped. Less than a mile to go. I still saw the girl in the pink shirt. I was suddenly very glad I bought these shorter running shorts and this tank was nice when my body temperature rose from the movement.

I really hated these socks, though. The extra toe padding was the worst, and I felt a blister coming. Oh, a photographer, I pasted a slightly happier look on my face as I ran past. I laughed when everyone was doing the same thing. My legs were burning and I never had known such specific muscle aches. I was almost done and I wouldn't stop or slow down. Oh, less than a half mile to go, everyone started increasing the pace. I guess I will too, I think it's possible.

I had no idea of the time, unlike everyone who glanced at their running watches. It didn't matter. I saw the finish line and I suddenly hightailed it. I think I heard Kris hoot and holler. The crowd cheered "You can do it, you're almost done, keep going." Everyone did, a random lady running encouraged me as well and it helped. Boy, did I need that. Sprinting time. I passed the pink shirt girl and the chip time finish line. Huffing breathing and someone put a medal over me. I grinned as I slowed to a walk and regulated my breathing. I grabbed a juice, and had the options of bananas, orange slices, or randomly some muffins. I made do with a banana and sat on the grass and let my brain and body rest. Only then I realized I didn't even look at the time, oh well. Laying still had never felt so good.

Kris and Josh showed up and sat by me. I heard variations of "You did great!" Kris took many, many photos. Me and her, Josh and me, all three of us, and me. In a past life as Bella I would've avoided them but I didn't want to. I was proud of myself. I really enjoyed the atmosphere. As we went to the line to get my time, they posted updated sheets. Josh took my hand as we waited our turn and I squeezed his hands before I removed my hand to find my number. 26:19, 334th overall and 110 women out of 250; right in the middle. I was more than okay with that. Runners trickled in still. As they did, they gave the top 3 overall, and in each age category. Boy, was it a good thing. Men and Women had different divisions and age groups, their fast and slow were very different scales to ours. I liked the fairness aspect of the system. I was 15th in my age and gender division so we didn't really stick around for that.

By the time I had a well deserved shower and a huge meal, I was ready to schedule another race. I put my medal next to my blue ribbon. I hoped to add to my collection.