Ch 18

My cab was almost to the ceremony, and my heart thudded. Forks. In my blue dress and boots, I entered the building just before the event was to begin. I took a seat in the back, hopefully I wouldn't be noticed. I waved to Charlie, who was looking for me. The look on his face was unforgettable. He smiled the biggest smile I saw him do. He looked very regal in his fancy uniform and received several small medals and pins. Afterwards he came up to me and hugged me tightly.

"I wasn't sure you'd come."

"I promised to."

"You're here! My coworkers were asking about you." I gave myself a mental pep talk. I can do this, I've talked to people for three straight days at our booth at tech conferences. This was worse.

Jacob eventually found me and cornered me at the water fountain.

"Bella!" I cringed. I knew this would happen but I was not sufficiently prepared for the number of times I'd hear that horrible name.

"Hi.."

"Wow, you look great." I took his appearance in, not looking at the eyes. I followed that advice strictly. He was tall, as were several of his friends. Wolves?

"Uhm.." Nice one, Marie. "Hi Jacob, and I go by Marie now."

He spent a good while jabbering on, apologized fifteen times, and continually tried to make eye contact. If I didn't know what he was doing, I would be weirded out. It was hard not to remember the murderous look directed at me all those years ago. I finally took my leave as soon as I could. Incredibly, Charlie was walking by and I quickly rushed over and took his arm.

I tried to avoid the tribal people, which wasn't hard. Half of them glared at me like I'd kicked them in the shin repeatedly, and I heard a few mutter "vampire girl." They weren't doing an amazing job hiding their secret. The other half avoided me, as if they filed a restraining order against me. I guess in a way, I did that by dating Edward.

I never felt so unpopular. It had almost been a decade and they still hated me? If I had decided to imprint that would not have been a fun hurdle to jump over. Even if I had chosen the wolf path, this treatment I received today would have been enough to reconsider that decision. There would always be battles in every path but this was not one I wanted to fight. It took all I had to stay and endure it. I would NOT take it personally; or at least I'd try not to. They didn't know me then or now, because their entire view of me came from a lens of...wolfness. Dad's coworkers saw me through a lens of looking 'too young' for my position. I was well accustomed to that one.

The other half of the people that judged me were my dad's age, and they just snubbed me. Whenever I said I built websites and computers, I got vacant stares, or "You own your own business? But you're so young." After an hour I was about to lose it.

I called Kris. "Do we ever talk down to our employees?"

"Huh?" she replied confusedly.

"Our employees. Do we ever make them feel less than?" I reiterated.

"I don't think so…is everything okay?"

"No." I just managed to stop my sob. "I've never felt so hated or picked on. How did you survive old parties?" I was stressed and I wanted to cry.

"Valium."

"Kris!"

"I'm kidding. I usually did math problems in my head or memorized a poem ahead of time."

"No wonder you're so good at memorizing. Could we make sure everyone at work feels respected? Ask the managers to check and observe?"

"Yeah, sure..I wish I was there to help be a buffer." She sounded worried. I could see her almost biting her nails before catching herself.

"Hearing your voice helps. What's going on there?" She talked me down by telling me about day-to-day things.

"You know, I think I'd rather hang out with Trevor Fink than be deprecated by these judgmental pricks any further."

"Whoa!" Kris sounded surprised. "Should I get a helicopter to pick you up?"

"We don't have a helicopter." A quick get away sure did sound nice." I can stick it out two more hours. Charlie was so happy to see me, I couldn't leave early."

"Ok then. Good luck."

Eventually I just sat at my empty table and played with a roll. My stomach was churning with old and new emotions. The only people who I felt decent around were Quil and Embry. Neither insulted me or glared at me, and I considered it a win. I happily left here but I had never considered how I would be received if I came back. At least I knew now. Just as before, I heard mental doors being slammed repeatedly in my face. The vampires kicked me out and I rejected the wolf-imprint life. The supernatural world was not for me, and it couldn't have been any clearer.

I was in a lowly state as I poked my roll repeatedly with a fork. I thought I felt my cheeks sting from the rejections. I was trying not to cry, not here. I tried to keep a positive image in mind or "I like myself" over and over. I ended up thinking about my future life when I got married instead. I hoped to live near Kris; life would be plain weird without her close by. If we both had kids, they could be best friends also. It was a nice image.

"Why the long face?" I looked to see who it was.

"Hey Billy, long time so see."

"I think that roll has seen better days." It was basically crumbs now. I put it down.

"True."

"Charlie brags about you all the time."

"He does?"

"He tells me when you started a business, bought a work building, a house, and something about archery?" I smiled a little. The tears dried up with it.

"I just recently placed high enough to make it to nationals." Finally.

"That's quite a list of accomplishments, young lady."

"Thanks, Billy. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm boring. I want to hear more about you." He waved off the question. He always had a way of cheering people up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jacob hiding, listening in. He's the one who changed my path before, not telling me about the wolves and rejecting me. I know that now. 'The consequences of that are on another's shoulders, it's not your cross to bear." The herb lady told me in college.

"Tell me about your fancy computer business." I manage to get a chuckle out.

"Well it's not just mine, I have a business partner." A few minutes later Billy made a comment.

"I haven't seen you trip or be clumsy in any way today."

I inwardly sighed as I remembered that was a thing. "I fixed that my first year of college. "

"I didn't know you could do that."

"Yoga and good shoes make a difference." My tone was a little flat. There was something irksome about people who had seen you since childhood.

"Sounds simple." I shrugged at his reply.

"When you know the reasons behind something, it's easier to fix." I was glad for the interruption Billy brought.

I more than suspected he knew about the wolf thing, as he lived with Jacob. Did he hate me too? Will I never live it down that I dated Edward? Will this one mistake always be thrown in my face? I've grown up and I thought everyone else did too. The injustice of it all overwhelmed me. I was struggling to stay afloat in the past's frigid water.

At the last 'vampire girl' insult I lost my cool. My 'ignore them' philosophy had gone up in smoke. I was mad. I knew they wouldn't admit their secret so this would be fun. "What do you mean, vampires? I put a confused look on my face. "I admit I dressed up as one for Halloween when I was 7." I finished in an innocent act to cover my white lie.

"Uh- inside joke." The insult halted.

"Yeah.., haha, good one, Paul." The reaction came out flat. I hid my grin. The other punched Paul's shoulder.

"I love inside jokes, what's the back story?" The two boys looked at each other.

"Oh hey...Kim's calling my name..seeya." She wasn't even here. I fixed a big smile on my face while I looked at Paul's neck; avoid the eyes. I overheard muffled laughter. I was prepared for more poor excuses.

"Sorry about yelling at you last time you were here. Bye." I was surprised, an apology? From these people? He walked away just like last time, with me frozen with confused emotions. But the feeling left behind was completely different.

After an agonizing few hours I was climbing into a cab. I was going straight to the airport, after having already said goodbye to Charlie. I heard "Hey, wait!" I groaned. I was so tired. I turned around and found Jacob without a shirt or shoes. Was this common?

"Can we- Are we-?"

"What?"

"I want to be friends again." I shook my head slightly. I didn't want any ties to my past life or would be past life.

"I don't think so. You heard everyone, they all hate me. I didn't even know almost all of them and they treated me like garbage. It isn't fun being where I'm not wanted."

"I didn't mean what I said!" He responded with desperation in his tone.

I breathed in the images of my friends and college memories. I spoke with conviction. "I have real friends now; they treat me like somebody and tell me I deserve the best. I'm a different girl now. I know who I am and I know my voice. Bella is gone; she evolved. She would have always been your friend, forever. '' I emphasized the last word, it held several meanings. I breathed out — I was not prepared for this. "Thank you for pushing me off the old path. I'm much happier, and I'm stronger now." Jacob's face looked as if I'd thrown a hundred water balloons on him at once.

"B…Marie, I've made a mistake." I shook my head.

A clearer image of what I needed to say landed on my tongue. "No, you didn't. It was exactly right. It was right for you and me." I took his forearm with both hands. "Dump your fears, or someday on your deathbed you'll regret it. With just a little bit of courage you can turn your life around. Don't run away from the emotion you're feeling at this moment. Running away from things can cause serious damage. Edward ran away from his fears and it created a chain reaction. You saw the result of that damage on me, Jacob. You can stop the chain reaction with yourself. Create something new and healthy, and give your future a real chance." He looked stunned, like a robot on the fritz. I got in the cab.

"I had no choice then," he sputtered out.

'It really doesn't matter now. You can choose to struggle and overcome. There is happiness around the corner. Bye, Jacob." I closed the door and the driver drove off. An old heavy emotional blanket had been removed. One thing was clear, I couldn't ever go back to Forks, for anything. This chapter had closed and permanently sealed shut.

It took a full week to relax and warm up metaphorically. I was grateful to live in a desert. 'Relaxing' translated to working a 60-70 hour week and went running a few miles each day like mad; it helped me process things.

Kris announced we were going out with her friends to a bar to hang out. "As much as I love working overtime with you, I also need to get out. And you need to come, too," She emphasized her point by shutting my computer off. Subtle.

"You know bars aren't my scene. I don't drink—you don't even drink! What's the point? I'll just stay home and relax."

"Uh, no you won't. I know you, you'll just work more." Rats, she had me there. With a sigh, I conceded. "Fine."

"Great!" She jumped up in excitement "I'll go pick out an outfit for you."

"Nothing too crazy, please," I called out as she ran down the stairs.

True to her word, she selected a decent cute outfit. A skirt with a top and her sparkly vest. I decided to do green eyes for the outing. I ordered a ginger ale soda while sitting. Kris had the ability to make friends on the spot, and I was even getting better at it.

There was a blonde guy next to me who looked just as uncomfortable.

"Are you here with friends also?" I asked.

"Yeah, he's over there." I followed where his finger was pointed.

"Fun, he's flirting with my roommate."

"What, really?"

"Yes."

"What are you drinking?'

"Ginger ale. Alcohol makes me nauseous."

"Weird. Funny place to be, then." He cringed his nose and scooted off. I sighed. I really wasn't lying about trying alcohol. Renee's old boyfriend would have it around and invite his drunk friends over often. I was only ten at the time. He'd make me clean up the place and hide the bottles. Luckily six months later Renee came early and found him in the act. To this day the thought of alcohol grossed me out.

We had been getting interested buyers for our company, not that we were selling anytime soon. It was fun getting fruit baskets and free stuff in the process. Apparently people just waited until the business was successful and then bought it from them. I loved this place. We were shifting and changing constantly. We had some issues come up lately. Life was chaos and order in equal measure.

"I don't know, Marie, these are some pretty big mountains." This week had stressed Kris out.

"We can face them, we're in the chaos zone. That's all." I had complete faith in our company.

"The chaos part is hard. I have an image in my head and my surroundings aren't matching it."

"You came from a perfectionist family, but you were only happy when it was all up in the air," I pointed out.

"Okay, that's true." She finally relaxed a little. "I liked making my own choices, even when I made mistakes."

"Experiences," I corrected softly. Kris rolled her eyes but the tension eased up greatly. She sighed and leaned back on the coach. I convinced her to leave the home office and paper piles for a few hours. "Or you use the word opportunity. They help us grow and stretch."

"Well it's uncomfortable and overwhelming any word you use."

"Absolutely, but only for a time. Like muscle soreness or your stage fright when teaching yoga."

"I could teach yoga in my sleep now."

"You actually did." I ignored the look she gave me and continued pretending to examine the movie cover. "What? You talk in your sleep. We shared a room for four years." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"So how do we stretch our way out of this one?"

"Slowly but surely, like any race or competition. The opposition doesn't get less, our ability to overcome gets greater."

"I admire your tenacity and assurity."

"We all have our moments of feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes we have a serene shade and sometimes there is harsh sunlight. You know, like doing a project with Trevor… again!" That made Kris burst into laughter.

"Do you know why you two butt heads so often?"

"No. Do you?"

"Well, unlike you I can observe from another angle. You two are a lot alike in your intensity and sometimes even your body language when you're both zoned in."

"What? No." I pursed my lips in distaste and scratched my head that wasn't itchy. The idea bounced around uncomfortably in my mind. I don't even like Trevor, why would we be similar?

"Actually, yes. There are some qualities you both have. If you had a real conversation with the guy, you might see it. Or remain blind to it forever. Your choice." She blew her fingers as if she had painted them.

It was my turn to sigh. We put on a movie. This had become our routine when one of us or both were overwhelmed with emotions or life situations. When "Free Willy" had ended, we both let our thoughts travel before we spoke.

"You know, my ex-family wouldn't have been able to come up with such ideas we have despite being from the "creme de la creme."

"I find it ironic that our business being official is what made your father pull rank." I noted. He had her Mom basically on house arrest now. No contact of any form was allowed. Her sister had gotten on her feet eventually and left the family also. Kris and her sister don't talk much. He had no daughters left.

"He lives and breathes jealousy. I once found an old journal of his when he was ten, that's what it was filled with. Just reading his thoughts was exhausting. "

"I love our business. Even when we had our living room as an office, it was fun." I smiled remembering the early days.

"And chaotic," Kris added.

"Yes, that. We had to start somewhere."

After the movie I went to bed. As I laid there, Kris's comment bothered me. How could I be like that block of ego? Well, ok; he was more decent now, but he kind of had to be. It was in the contract. There were no open insults anyways. A thought bubbled up that caused a flinch. I feel better around Trevor than I did with the people of Forks and La push.

We may have verbally battled but he never openly glared at me just for existing. Those people might detest me forever because I once dated a vampire, ages ago. Trevor may have smirked or given an irritating wink in my direction. He wasn't hostile though and he did have good quality work. He even had raw talent in college; he just lacked a work ethic then. He no longer told lewd jokes, and put in the elbow grease. People can grow — I need to remember that. I pulled the covers up to my shoulders and wrapped myself tightly. Maybe I had some apologizing to do. No, I undoubtedly had to.

Kris and I were on a run when I knew it was time. I had never pulled 'the bet' card before, it had been too soon. When we hit the spot we walked on our way home I brought it up. "Have you done any math lately?"

"Besides our taxes, no. Why?"

"Well I happen to see a flyer."

"What are you talking about?" Kris looked puzzled.

"I'm cashing in my karaoke bet of freshman year that I won."

When I finished speaking, her eyes widened. "I thought you forgot about that…"

"No, I was just waiting for the right time. I saw a flyer recently." We had just gotten home. I showed it to her.

"Don't my reasons for not entering a math competition still hold?" she asked hopefully.

I shook my head. "No, your father's opinion is worthless. You're smart and you've always wanted to do this since you were a kid."

Kris slumped onto the couch. "Yes and yes…" she quietly admitted.

"I think you should go for it. Do you want me to give you the same speech you gave to me when I was scared to declare my major?" I looked at her in earnest.

"No thanks, I remember it well. Is it really the same issue?"

"Kind of."

Kris sighed and read the flyer more closely. "It's soon. Just a month away. I have a lot of studying to do." She ruffled her hair with her hands.

"I'll be there to cheer you on." I replied cheerfully. I was pleased she was accepting this.

"I might have to take a little time off work, it's an eight hour drive."

"We can do that, we're the boss. And we haven't taken a day off in two years." I stated.

"Looks like I'm out of excuses," Kris conceded.

I smiled. As much as she fought this now, she would love it. "I'll help you study. Somehow...with flashcards or… however you study math." I cringed. My intent had not made it into words well.

Kris laughed. "Don't worry about it, I can ask Linda."

I loved my room. The walls were painted mint green. I hired an artist to paint a field of flowers with the trunk of a tall tree to the side on the north wall. It reminded me of all the roots underneath the beauty no one ever saw. How strong and widespread they were. The tree's height had surpassed the wall and I could imagine the top as I wanted. I had an old fashioned wall divider to the side and butterfly paper mache chains on the curtains. I liked this space; I felt safe. They stenciled a quote in small lettering in the corner where the door was built. "You deserve all the happiness in the world, all you have to do is ask. And then watch. All the happiness will follow you around. Just reach out for it." It was a nice reminder on hard days.

I just returned back from the grocery store and I dumped all the bags onto the counter. The doorbell rang. I wasn't sure if Kris was home but I called out regardless. "I'll get it!". I looked at the front porch and saw a vase with pretty flowers. They might be from that business who's been wanting to buy us out. We always say no. Why would we ever sell?

I looked at the note and my heart hammered at the sight of the handwriting. I know this handwriting — it had old fashioned loops written by more than just "a mere pen." He lectured more than once why writing with a two hundred dollar pen was better than a Walmart pack of 20 for 4 dollars. It never ceased to give me a headache. The cursive was flawless; even Benjamin Franklin couldn't do better.

I quickly scanned it:

"Dear Bella, I've missed you. Can we meet? Edward."

No no no no no.