Chapter 1: Change

Before

February 11, 2016

Jane looked up from her computer as she heard the tell-tale click-clack of her best friend's heels across the bullpen. Maura stopped next to her desk, offering Jane a soft smile. To everyone else, Maura appeared completely normal, but Jane could see the signs of her friend's anxiety: the smoothing of her wrinkle-free skirt, the fidgeting with her ring, the lack of eye contact.

"Hi, Jane," Maura greeted, trying to sound as natural as possible. "I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight?"

Jane searched her friend's face. Considering they had dinner together at least a few times a week, this was an oddly formal invitation. "Sure, yeah, that sounds good," Jane said quickly, still unable to read Maura's non-verbal behavior.

Maura gave her a genuine smile as she replied, "Wonderful. I need to run a few errands before I get home. Why don't you come over around 7pm?"

"Yeah, perfect," Jane said.

"Okay, see you then," Maura replied before turning on her heel and leaving the bullpen as quickly as she came.

Jane watched Maura leave. She was baffled by her friend's odd behavior, but Maura didn't seem distressed, just nervous. Jane supposed she'd find out later tonight if nothing else.

Jane let herself into Maura's house at 7:05pm that evening. The house smelled amazing, and her stomach instantly grumbled as she walked into the kitchen. "Hey, Maur. Whatcha making?" she asked.

"Just a simple chicken and shrimp stir-fry," Maura replied, throwing Jane a smile. She seemed more relaxed than she had earlier in the day. "Can you set the table?"

"Sure," Jane replied as she started to pull out plates and silverware. "Wine?" she added after she had set the table.

"Yes, I pulled out a white wine that will pair well with the stir-fry," Maura replied as she plated the stir-fry.

Maura fell unusually silent as they started to eat. Jane tried to hold a conversation, and Maura answered her normally, but since Maura wasn't adding much, nothing they talked about lasted long.

Jane put down her fork and looked at Maura. "Okay, what's going on? You've been acting weird all day. First, you give me an oddly formal dinner invitation. Now, you're distracted. What's up?"

Maura sighed as she put down her own fork. "I'm going to be 40 in six months," she said slowly.

"And you're upset about that now because…?" Jane asked.

Maura laughed nervously. "I'm not upset about it. Aging is a natural part of life. I don't see the purpose of being upset about getting older," she said. "However, I did think I would have…certain things…by this point in my life."

Jane was thoroughly confused. She had no idea what Maura was talking about.

Maura glanced up at Jane before looking back at her plate again. "Jane, I've decided to move forward with having a child on my own," she said slowly. "It seems unlikely that I will find a spouse at this point, especially before it's too late to have children naturally."

"Oh," Jane said, surprised. Then, realizing that Maura was waiting for her reaction, she added, "That's great, Maur. You'll be an amazing mom."

The smile that broke out on Maura's face made Jane feel all warm inside. She could tell right away that her words meant a lot to her friend.

Maura let out a shaky breath before continuing, "I've already met with a fertility specialist, but I haven't officially started the process yet. I…I don't want anyone else to know. There is a relatively high chance it might not be successful, and I don't think I will be able to deal with everyone else's reactions as well as my own disappointment."

"I understand that," Jane said. "I'm really glad you told me, though. I won't say anything to anyone before you're ready, but I want to support you in any way that I can."

"Thank you, Jane," Maura said, and Jane could hear the genuine appreciation in her voice. "I promise I won't take advantage of you, but I do appreciate your support."

Jane laughed. "I'm really not worried that you're going to take advantage of me," she said truthfully. "And I mean it when I say that I want to be there for you…in any way you need, okay?"

Maura smiled again. "Thank you," she said quietly.

They didn't talk about it again for the rest of the evening, but Maura kept Jane up to date on the process over the next few weeks. Maura went to her appointments alone, but it was in Jane's arms that she cried after each of her first two attempts were unsuccessful; it was Jane who offered her words of support and encouragement and gave her the strength to try again.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Maura took a deep breath as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Yesterday was her 40th birthday. It was also time for her second post-IVF pregnancy test. She had debated scheduling it for tomorrow so that she didn't spend her whole birthday worrying about it, but in the end her impatience had won out and she had taken the first available appointment. Unlike the first two times, this time Maura had asked Jane to come with her to her appointment, and Jane had convinced Maura to let her take her out to an early dinner while they waited for the call from the clinic.

Maura moved on autopilot at work that morning. Both she and Jane were only working half a day, but Maura quickly realized that she was so distracted it probably would have been better to take the full day off. The morning seemed to last forever, and Maura was still trying to focus on the report she was reading when Jane came bounding into her office just after noon.

"Ready Freddy?" Jane asked with a smile.

Maura looked up from her laptop with a confused look on her face. "Freddy?" she asked.

Jane laughed. "It's just a saying," she said. "I just meant are you ready to go?"

Maura smiled but Jane could see right through it. She could see the anxiety that had been building within her best friend all day.

"Yes, I'm ready," Maura finally offered before standing up.

They both remained relatively quiet on the way to the fertility clinic. Maura honestly wasn't sure what she was feeling. Physically, she didn't feel any different than she had at this point in the first two cycles, so she was beginning to think that this time hadn't worked either. On the other hand, she felt some sort of unexplainable hope. Maybe today she would get the best birthday present she'd ever received.

Jane sat by her side and held her hand as her blood was drawn and the doctor talked her through the next steps. For Maura, it was the same information she had received two times before, so she wasn't really listening.

Maura tried her best to remain present throughout dinner, but she kept getting lost in her thoughts. She was too nervous to eat much anyway. Jane was incredibly patient as she tried her best to keep Maura distracted. However, even she felt nervous when Maura's phone rang.

Maura stared at the phone as it rang until Jane pushed it towards her with a whispered, "Answer it. Then, at least you'll know."

Maura nodded as she answered with the traditional, "Dr. Isles." Maura listened silently, only offering the occasional, "Okay," every few moments. As soon as she hung up, she burst into tears.

Jane was by her side in an instant. She wrapped Maura up in her arms. "I'm sorry, Maura. I'm so sorry it didn't work," she cooed, trying to offer her best friend the support she needed while her own heart was breaking at the same time.

Maura took a couple of gasping breaths as she pulled away from Jane slightly. "It…it did work," she shuddered out. "I'm…I'm pregnant."

"Really?" Jane asked excitedly as a huge smile threatened to break her face in half.

Maura laughed tearily as she nodded. "Yes, really," she said quietly, finally making eye contact with Jane. The joy she saw in her best friend's face warmed her heart and her made her own smile grow. She was going to be a mother. She couldn't believe this was actually happening.

After

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Jane let herself into her mother's house for the second time in three days. As soon as Jane entered the kitchen, Angela said quickly but quietly, "Alice is still sleeping."

Jane glanced at the clock. It was almost 4:30pm, which was later than the little girl usually slept for her afternoon nap.

"I was going to wake her before 5pm if you weren't back yet, but she didn't go down easily for her morning or afternoon nap. She didn't quiet down until almost 3:45 this afternoon," Angela explained.

Jane sighed. She knew that meant that she was in for a long night, but to be honest, she wasn't surprised. Even at eight-months-old, kids were perceptive, and Alice could probably sense the tension and distress in both Jane and Maura this morning.

"I'm sorry, baby," Angela apologized after observing her daughter for a few minutes.

"No, it's not anything you did. She'll be fine," Jane said tiredly.

Angela nodded. "Why don't you guys stay for dinner? I can send left-overs home for Maura," Angela suggested.

Jane opened and closed her mouth a few times as she tried to formulate a response before she unexpectedly burst into tears.

Angela was so shocked that she didn't respond right away. She wasn't sure if she had ever seen her daughter break down like this – and definitely not as an adult. When Jane started to sink to the ground, Angela hurried over to her, guiding her to sit on the couch. Angela held Jane against her chest as her stubborn, hard-on-the-outside soft-on-the-inside, strong, confident, badass daughter sobbed her heart out.

"Janie, what happened?" Angela asked softly. "Is it Maura? What's going on?" Angela continued talking quietly to Jane as she rubbed her back in an attempt to calm her. Eventually, Jane's sobs subsided and turned to sniffles.

Jane pulled away and leaned against the back of the couch, but she didn't move away from her mother. She would never, ever, ever admit it, but sometimes her mother could be comforting. Jane took a deep breath and said thickly, "Maura's not okay." Seeing her mother's instant panic, she added quickly, "She's safe. She's…she's safe. She just…well, um…"

"Jane, whatever it is, you can tell me. We haven't seen Maura in months. I've wanted to show up at your house…her house so many times…I've been worried sick…but I was afraid that if I overstepped…I was afraid you'd stop asking me for the little bit of help you did. I was afraid I'd stop seeing you and Alice," Angela said apologetically. "I knew something was very, very wrong. I didn't know what to do or how to help."

Jane nodded absently. "She's, um…well, she's been suffering from very severe postpartum depression. Honestly, I didn't know how to help either. I've been trying to convince her to get help for months, but I couldn't force her. I even tried to force her. It was so bad that I tried to have her involuntarily admitted to the hospital, but they said that if she wasn't threatening to hurt herself or anyone else, they wouldn't do it," Jane's voice broke as she spoke, but now that she was actually saying it out loud – now that she was telling someone – she couldn't stop.

"They also told me it probably wouldn't work anyway if she wasn't ready to accept help. I didn't know what to do. I…I…I…" Jane gave out a choked sob. "It took everything in me just to keep her and Alice alive. She can't take care of herself, and she definitely can't take care of Alice. That's why I…when I went back to work after Alice was born, I came home to both Maura and Alice crying uncontrollably. I tried to stop by during lunch the next two days even though I knew that wasn't a long-term solution. On my third day back, when we stopped there – Frost stayed in the car – I realized that I couldn't leave them alone together. Maura was never going to hurt Alice. It was never like that, even though I know now that that can happen with postpartum depression. Sometimes, parents have intrusive thoughts that they might harm their child, but anyway, Maura was never like that. But she couldn't take care of Alice or herself. And Alice was only two months old. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what to do," Jane repeated, her voice getting weaker and quieter the longer she talked.

"Oh, baby," Angela said as she pulled her daughter back against her body. "Why didn't you ask for help?"

"I was trying to protect her," Jane said quietly. "She didn't want people to know. It didn't seem like it was my place to tell anyone. She asked me not to tell anyone that she was struggling. I don't know though. Part of me wonders if I just made it worse by not telling anyone. She doesn't have anything to be ashamed of. She's sick."

"Where is she now?" Angela asked.

"She finally agreed to try an inpatient treatment facility. That's where I went today. I drove her there and checked her in," Jane said quietly.

"What changed?"

"What do you mean?" Jane asked, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion as she continued to lean on her mother.

"Well, this has been going on for months. Why now? What happened that changed her mind?" Angela questioned, but when Jane stayed quiet, Angela began to wonder if she'd gone too far.

After a few moments of silence, Jane mumbled, "She pushed me. She's honestly pretty weak, so it caught me off guard more than anything else, and I fell back into the dresser. I think it scared her though. It scared her a lot. She…she begged me not to leave Alice. She told me she'd do anything I wanted as long as I didn't leave Alice. I would never leave Alice. No matter what. I wanted Maura to get help – more than almost anything – but I never would have left Alice. No matter what."

"I know, baby," Angela cooed. "I know you wouldn't leave her. I know how much you love her. I know how much you love both of them." Angela fell silent as she continued to hold her daughter close. Even if Jane wouldn't say it, Angela knew exactly how much Jane loved both Maura and Alice. What Angela couldn't understand – at least before she knew Maura was sick – was why Jane wouldn't tell Maura how she felt, why she wouldn't tell her that she was in love with her. Now wasn't the right time to bring this up, of course, but she hoped that once Maura was healthy again, her girls would finally become a family in every way.

Jane sighed and pulled away from her mother when they heard Alice stirring through the baby monitor. Jane wiped her face before going to see the little girl who could make her smile even on her worst days (and today was definitely one of those days).

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Jane finally finished her battle with Alice to get the eight-month-old into her Thanksgiving dress. She had to admit that the little girl looked adorable all dressed up, but she had to shake her head at herself. She had always promised herself that she would never force her daughters into frilly dresses. Then again, she had to remind herself that Alice wasn't actually her daughter (no matter how much it felt like it), and Maura loved dresses. Maura couldn't wait to dress her daughter in the most adorable little outfits every single day. Jane supposed the least she could do was dress her up for the holidays.

Jane laughed when Alice pulled the headband with a bow that matched her dress off her head for the ninth time since Jane had started dressing her. Alice was much more interested in playing with the headband than wearing it, so Jane decided to just let her.

Jane checked her watch as she carried Alice back downstairs. They still had about 30 minutes before they had to leave to get to her mother's house for Thanksgiving dinner. As soon as they got to the kitchen, the doorbell rang. Jane looked around in surprise as though wondering if she had forgotten about something. Why would someone be here on Thanksgiving?

The person standing on the other side of the front door when Jane opened was the last person she had expected to see on Maura's front porch, especially on Thanksgiving.

"Constance," Jane said, the tone of her voice betraying her surprise. Her eyes took in the woman standing in front of her: Constance Isles dressed to perfection and offering a stiff but genuine smile.

"Good afternoon, Jane. Happy Thanksgiving," Constance said politely.

"Oh, um, happy thanksgiving," Jane stuttered. Jane gave her head a little shake as though to clear it. "I, um…did I know you were coming?" she finally asked.

Constance gave a cursory laugh before answering, "No, I planned to surprise my daughter, and I wanted to meet my granddaughter." Constance turned to look at the little girl in Jane's arms, once again offering a polite smile. "Are you going to invite me in detective?" Constance asked Jane.

"Wha…oh, yeah, sorry, come in," Jane said as she stepped aside to allow Constance to enter.

"Is Maura upstairs getting ready? I'm sure you're going to your family Thanksgiving soon. I don't mind waiting for my daughter. I'm planning to take Maura and Alice out to Mooo Restaurant for an early dinner. It was difficult to get a reservation at the last minute on Thanksgiving, but of course, when I told them who I was, they found an opening," Constance added with a laugh.

Jane just stared at Constance Isles in shocked silence. So many thoughts were fighting to burst out of her that her brain was having trouble transmitting any of them to her mouth. She wasn't sure if she should start with the fact that even if Maura were here, she would have already had plans. Who was Constance to assume Maura would drop everything to accommodate her? Or should she start with how inappropriate her restaurant choice was for a baby. Or should she start with the fact that Constance not only hadn't acknowledged her granddaughter since she got here, but she had waited almost eight months to bother meeting her.

In the end, she settled for, "Maura isn't here."

"Where is she?" Constance asked curtly.

"Honestly, Constance, that's not really any of your business," Jane fumed.

"She's my daughter," Constance angrily cut in.

"And when's the last time you bothered to call her, to check on her? You couldn't even make time to meet your granddaughter," Jane nearly screamed, but when she felt Alice's grip on her shirt tighten ever so slightly, she forced herself to calm down. She wasn't going to fight in front of Alice. She wasn't going to upset the little girl.

"I'm here to meet her now," Constance said matter-of-factly, holding out her hands, expecting Jane to hand her the little girl. Alice burrowed her face into Jane's chest. The always happy, bubbly little girl who loved everyone clearly had absolutely no desire to meet her grandmother. Jane knew from reading Maura's parenting books that 'stranger danger' tended to start around eight months, and she found it endlessly ironic that the first time Alice showed any indication of being afraid of strangers, it was with her grandmother.

Jane took a step back, which clearly annoyed Constance.

"You have no right to keep my granddaughter or my daughter from me, detective," Constance said tersely.

"I'm not keeping either of them from you, but I'm not going to force Alice to go to someone she doesn't want to. And it's not my place to tell you anything about Maura if Maura didn't tell you herself," Jane snapped, trying her best to keep her voice even.

Constance crossed her arms in front of her chest, and Jane could tell the other woman was trying to decide her next tactic. She clearly wasn't used to people denying her exactly what she asked for, but she was also smart enough to know she couldn't bully Jane into doing something she didn't want to.

"Okay, fine," Constance said with a hint of annoyance and a tinge of resignation. "I'll talk to my daughter. Is she going to be home soon, or should I call her?"

"She's not available," Jane said flatly, but she didn't miss the flash of fear that crossed Constance's face at her words. It softened Jane just a bit, but she wasn't sure what to say. She couldn't hold Constance off indefinitely, and it felt wrong on multiple levels to lie about where Maura was. On the other hand, it really wasn't her place to tell. It was one thing to break down in front of her own mother, but it should be up to Maura to decide what and when to tell her parents.

"Jane, what…what's going on?" Constance asked, and Jane wondered if this was the first time that she had heard Constance sound like a real person, like a mother.

Jane sighed. "Come sit down," she suggested, gesturing to the couch. She placed Alice on her playmat on the floor before sitting down on the couch next to Constance.

Jane took a deep breath. "I really think that Maura should be able to decide what she wants to tell you, but I also know that you're not going to leave here without some kind of answer," Jane admitted.

"Is something wrong with Maura?" Constance asked, her voice continuing to betray her fear.

"She's…she's safe," Jane said, repeating the same words she had told her mother the previous day. Jane broke eye contact with Constance, looking down at Alice who had crawled over to hand Jane one of her toys before crawling back to her playmat to retrieve another one. "But she's in…she's completing an inpatient treatment program for postpartum depression," Jane said as Alice returned to her and tried with little success to pull herself up onto the couch. Jane picked up the little girl, sat her in her lap, and held her tight before looking back at Constance.

"I don't know what to say," Constance said after a few minutes of silence. The weakness of her voice and the fear that was still evident in her demeanor surprised Jane.

"She's getting the help she needs," Jane said gently. "That's what's most important."

Constance nodded but didn't respond.

Jane took another deep breath before offering, "I know it's not Mooo Restaurant, but if you want you can come with me and Alice to my mom's for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be chaotic, and you'll probably hate everything about it, but you can spend some time with Alice."

"I-I'd like that," Constance replied.

Jane smiled. "Um, any chance you have a change of clothes? I mean, you look great as always, but your outfit easily costs more than every piece of clothing I own combined. I'm worried something might get ruined. Kids are messy, and there will be three of them."

Constance let out a genuine chuckle. "I don't, but I'll be fine. I know the best cleaners, and besides, I'm honestly looking forward to a real Thanksgiving dinner," she admitted. "Are you sure that your mother won't mind?"

Jane laughed loudly. "Definitely not. In fact, she would have minded if she heard you were here and I didn't invite you," she said. "Maura's family, so you're family. We should get going, though," Jane added, standing up with Alice in her arms.

Now that Jane and Constance had been talking calmly for a while, Alice was growing curious about the other woman. "Ali, you wanna see…" Jane started saying to Alice before turning to Constance and asking, "Uh, what do you want her to call you? Or more accurately what do you want us to call you when talking to her since she can't actually talk yet?"

"Oh," Constance said, genuinely surprised. "What is she calling your mother? And Ho-hope?" Constance's voice cracked slightly when she mentioned Maura's biological mother's name.

Jane was surprised that Constance included Angela in her question, but she answered without commenting on it, "Ma is nonna and Hope is grandma."

"Would…do you think…I would like to be babcia. Do you think Maura would be okay with that?" Constance asked, and the vulnerability in the other woman's voice made Jane smile. Jane knew that deep down Constance loved Maura, but she was terrible at showing it. Jane was glad that despite her cold arrival, Constance seemed to be relaxing a bit.

"I think she would be happy with anything you chose," Jane said honestly. Turning her face to talk to Alice, who was still in her arms, Jane said, "Ali, do you want to see your babcia while I run upstairs to get your bag so we can go to nonna's?"

Alice glanced at Jane before looking back at Constance. This time when Constance held out her hands for the little girl, Alice went to her.

"I'll be right back," Jane said before quickly running upstairs.

When they were finally in the car and on their way to her mother's, Jane decided to appease her own curiosity, "Constance, can I ask you something?"

"Only if I can ask you something as well," Constance replied with a smirk.

Jane laughed. She could tell that Constance was somewhat teasing her. She probably did have a question she wanted to ask Jane, but she would likely answer Jane's question even if Jane wouldn't answer hers. "Fair enough," Jane said. "Why babcia? That's like Polish, right? I didn't know you were Polish."

"I only have a little bit of Polish ancestry in by bloodline, but my favorite grandmother was Polish. We called her babcia," Constance admitted. "Most of my family is from England and France. As is Arthur's family."

"Cool," Jane said lamely. She didn't really know what to say, but she did think it was sweet that Constance wanted to be called what she had called her favorite grandmother. Then, after a beat, she added, "What's your question?"

"Are you and Maura together?"

Jane had not been expecting that question – at least not now. She could feel Constance's eyes on her as her cheeks burned bright red. "Oh, uh, no," she said, stumbling over her words.

"Why not?" Constance asked bluntly.

Jane inhaled so quickly that she started choking on her own saliva. "Um, I…uh…" Jane had no idea what to say.

"It's obvious that you love her and Alice, and I'm certain she feels the same way about you. You appear to be living at her house and taking care of Alice. If you're not together, what are you two doing?"

"I am staying at their house to care for Alice while Maura is away," Jane said, only answering the easiest question. When she got to a stoplight, Jane finally dared to look over at Constance before glancing in the rearview mirror to see Alice's reflection through the double mirror set-up in her car. Constance, for her part, remained silent. She hoped that Jane would continue if she didn't reply. "I still have my apartment," Jane added defensively before admitting, "Although, I suppose at this point it's more of a really expensive storage unit."

Constance laughed at Jane's honesty.

"I don't really have a good answer for you," Jane conceded. "I do love Maura and Alice. More than anything. But Maura's been sick for a long time now, so yes, I've essentially been living there since February. I don't know what that means for the future, though."

"Okay," Constance replied, seemingly satisfied.

Jane let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, thinking the conversation was mercifully done. However, Constance added, "Not that you particularly care what I think, but I want you to know…well, I want you to know that I think you and Maura are a good match. You're good for each other. You're good to her. And you're clearly good to Alice as well."

"Th-thank you," Jane stuttered, unexpectedly touched by Constance's words.

Earlier that morning

"Good morning, Dr. Isles," the woman sitting across from Maura greeted her. "My name is Dr. Nancy Varadkar. Would you prefer to be addressed as Maura, Dr. Isles, or something else? It's whatever you are most comfortable with."

Maura hesitated as she took in the appearance of the woman sitting across from her. The woman appeared to be approximately the same age as Maura, likely in her early 40s. She was petite with sharp features. She appeared kind and approachable, but there was also something about her that demanded respect. She appeared to be of Indian descent, or a closely related ethnicity – although Maura hated to guess. Her long dark hair hung loosely around her shoulders. Her clothes were professional while also showing a sense of style. Maura instantly liked the woman, even if she couldn't pinpoint exactly why.

"Maura is fine," she said eventually.

Dr. Varadkar smiled at her. "Then, I will call you Maura, and you may call me Nancy. While this is a professional relationship, we want you to feel comfortable while you are here."

Maura nodded her understanding.

"Okay," Nancy said warmly. "This morning I would like to give you an overview of our program and what you can expect while you are here. Unfortunately, your first day will be slightly different than most residents' first day since today is a holiday. While we are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, we do make some small changes on major holidays. The typical day includes breakfast between 7am and 8:30am. All patients are required to be present at breakfast for at least 15 minutes, but you may decide when and for how long you come to breakfast within those parameters. The morning then consists of two sessions, one at 8:45am and the second at 10:30am. This is followed by lunch from 12-1pm, which is required for all patients unless they have approval from their case lead – in your case that is me – unless you have approval from me to do something else during part or all of that time. The afternoon consists of two more sessions at 1:15pm and 3pm. You then have free time from 4:30-6pm. Dinner is from 6-8pm, and all patients are required to be present for at least one hour within that time frame, although, you may stay longer. After 8pm, you are free to do whatever you want. However, patients are required to be in their rooms between 10pm and 6am. If you need anything during that time, you can use the intercom in your room. As someone likely explained last night, the intercom is attended to 24/7 and there is a button for non-emergency requests and another for emergencies.

"Non-emergency requests can be anything from needing an over-the-counter pain medication for a headache to a clogged toilet. Think anything you might call a hotel front desk for. Emergencies include both psychological and physical emergencies. For example, if at any time you feel like you might harm yourself or are experiencing a panic attack, those are considered emergencies – even if you might not currently think of them as emergencies. Does that make sense?" Nancy asked.

Maura nodded.

"As I mentioned, on a typical day, you will have four sessions. These will rotate between individual sessions with your case lead, group sessions, group activities, and individual sessions with your therapist. Your schedule will be provided to you weekly and will also be posted outside your door. Five days a week, you have the four sessions I mentioned. However, on Fridays and Sundays, there are no afternoon sessions. You will have the afternoons free and can participate in similar activities to what you can participate in during the evening hours. You are not allowed in your room between breakfast and dinner, and you must spend your afternoon free times in one of the common areas. We have a lot of options, though, everything from playing board games with other residents, to using the gym or spending time outside in the courtyard, to watching TV or reading a book. Do you have any questions so far?"

Maura shook her head. It was a lot of information to take in, but she figured she was smart enough to figure it out.

"Okay," Nancy said with a nod. "As I mentioned, today will be different because of the holiday. You will have a double session with me this morning, then, join the group for lunch. Everyone has free time in the afternoon before Thanksgiving dinner. We serve a more formal meal on major holidays, so everyone will eat together. You will resume your normal schedule tomorrow."

"Okay," Maura said quietly, not really caring about the holiday.

"You can ask any staff member any question you have at any time," Nancy added, watching Maura closely.

Maura nodded again.

"If you think of any additional questions, you can ask as we go, but I'd like to spend some time just getting to know you. Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

Maura just stared at her doctor. What was she supposed to say? Was she supposed to talk about her daughter? Her work? Her childhood? Her parents? Would what she mentioned first determine her treatment plan? Her doctor spent a few minutes waiting for her to respond, but when she didn't say anything, Nancy took a different tactic.

"Instead of talking about yourself generally, can you tell me what brought you here?"

"Depression and anxiety," Maura answered flatly.

"What symptoms are you experiencing that make you believe you have depression and/or anxiety?"

"Flat affect. No interest in, well, anything. I'm tired all the time. Just taking a shower drains all of my energy. I have no appetite. I spend all day in bed. I can't concentrate. But…" Maura paused and took a deep breath. "I can't…I haven't been taking care of my daughter. I can barely look at her, let alone care for her. The guilt feels like it's eating me alive, slowly killing me day by day. It's this vicious cycle. I make a mistake parenting, then I feel anxious about being near her, then I pull away, then I miss something else and make another mistake. And it just gets worse and worse every day." Tears were flowing down Maura's face as she admitted her deepest insecurities. "She deserves so much better," Maura choked out before breaking down completely.

When Maura calmed down, her doctor continued, "During the times you couldn't care for your daughter, who helped?"

"Jane," Maura replied.

"And who's Jane?"

"She's…Jane is…she's my best friend," Maura said, tripping over her words.

"Were there any times that your daughter…"

"Alice," Maura cut in.

With a nod, Nancy continued, "Were there any times that Alice wasn't taken care of?"

"I failed to care for her all the time. Every day," Maura said thickly.

"That's not what I asked," Nancy clarified kindly. "I asked if there were any times that Alice wasn't taken care of – regardless of who was taking care of her."

"No, Jane is always with her…well, maybe she…when Jane tried to go back to work, there were a couple of hours on those days when…when Alice just cried and I didn't no what to do so I did nothing," Maura admitted weakly.

"A couple of hours of crying is not neglect," Nancy said. "Had something happened would you have called Jane?"

"Yes," Maura said quickly. "Of course, I would have called Jane, and if I needed to, I would have called 911."

"So let me ask you again. Were there any times that Alice wasn't cared for by someone?"

"No, but that's not really the point. I'm her mother. I'm supposed to take care of her, but I haven't been. I can't," Maura said desperately.

"And the goal of your time here is to get you to a point where you can take care of her, where you can be the parent you want to be," Nancy said. "But first, you need to forgive yourself. I know that won't happen today or tomorrow, but that is the first step to healing. You're sick, Maura, and now you're getting help.

"Does Jane love Alice? Is she good with her?" Nancy continued.

Maura nodded. "Yes," she said softly.

"So, since she was born, Alice has been taken care of by someone who loves her. She hasn't been abused or neglected. She's been safe, provided for, and loved. I understand that you wanted to be the one to do those things for her. However, don't you think it's more important that she had those things than who gave them to her?"

Maura nodded again.

"We'll come back to this a lot over the coming days and weeks, but let's spend some time talking about other parts of your life," Nancy suggested. "Tell me about your job."

"I'm the chief medical examiner for the commonwealth of Massachusetts, but I took a one year leave of absence so that I could stay home with Alice."

"When are you scheduled to go back?"

"February 26th."

Nancy continued asking questions about Maura's work. Maura answered the questions, but she didn't elaborate. Still, talking about work made Maura feel slightly more comfortable.

They ended the session with Nancy prescribing anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. Maura felt utterly exhausted; all she wanted to do was go back to her room to sleep, but she wasn't allowed to. She sat through lunch without saying a word as she pushed her food around her plate. During the afternoon free period, she walked around the common rooms for a while before finding an armchair in the library. She picked a book off the shelf and sat down in the chair. While she did prop the book open on her lap so that it looked like she was reading, she didn't actually read. Instead, she curled up as small as she could and closed her eyes.

IMPORTANT: I absolutely will not tolerate negative comments about parents who suffer from postpartum depression (or any person who suffers from a mental illness), that includes things like calling Maura a bad parent. She is NOT a bad parent. She is sick! I will delete any comments that cross that line and block the user. Negative comments about the story in general, fine. Constructive criticism, absolutely welcome (and appreciated). Please know that no previous comments have even come close to this, so this is not directed at anyone in particular. I meant to include this note in the first chapter but forgot.

A/N: I know there are differing opinions/perspectives on calling psychiatrics, psychologists, therapists, etc by first name vs last name. Feel free to debate that (respectfully), but I went with the policy I've always liked best which is to mirror what the patient wants to be called unless boundary issues might be present (or later present themselves).