Chapter 2: Jane
A/N: There's a scene in the first part that might be trending towards an M rating, but it's not that explicit, so hopefully, we're still safe with the T rating.
Before
Sunday, October 16, 2016
A nervous excitement was flowing through Maura's body. She was planning to tell their friends and family about her pregnancy today. She pulled out her phone and sat at her kitchen island to call her mother in France.
"Hello, darling," Constance answered the phone.
"Hello, mother," Maura replied politely.
"I have dinner plans, and I need to get ready soon, so what can I do for you," Constance said in an attempt to hurry the conversation along.
Maura sighed internally. Of course, her mother hadn't made time for her despite the fact that Maura had asked ahead of time if they could talk.
"Yes, mother," Maura said quietly. "I'm calling to tell you some good news. I'm pregnant." Maura paused as she waited for her mother's reaction.
At first, Constance didn't say anything. After a few moments of awkward silence, she said, "I didn't know you were dating anyone."
Maura rolled her eyes. "I'm not," she said calmly. "I've always wanted to have children. As I neared 40, I decided that I wanted to move forward with having a child on my own."
"Oh, well, that's wonderful," Constance said flatly, but she didn't sound at all like she thought it was wonderful. "And when are you expecting?"
"My due date is April 18th," Maura replied.
"Well, if that is what you want, good for you. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"
"No," Maura said resignedly. "Have a nice evening mother."
"You too, darling," Constance replied before hanging up.
Maura looked sadly at her phone. She was disappointed in her mother's response. She hadn't really expected anything else, but part of her had still hoped that her mother would be excited to be a grandmother or at least happy for her. However, she didn't seem to care. Even after all these years, her mother's disinterest in her life hurt – no matter how many times her mother let her down.
Maura sighed before taking a deep breath and standing up. She was expecting Jane, Angela, and the rest of their friends and family for Rizzoli Sunday Dinner. She had purposely told her mother as close to when everyone would arrive because she knew that Angela's excitement would help dispel Maura's disappointment in her mother's reaction.
And of course, Angela didn't disappoint. Maura only waited for everyone to arrive before sharing her news. Angela instantly squealed and started crying happy tears. Frankie, Nina, Tommy, Frost, and Korsak had also offered their heartfelt congratulations.
But it was watching Jane's reaction to her family's happiness that actually meant the most to Maura. Obviously, Jane had known for weeks, but whenever Maura would glance over at her best friend, she could see her fighting her own emotions. Jane was genuinely happy that her family embraced Maura's news with so much joy.
Sunday dinner was always an enjoyable experience, but tonight, no one could wipe the smile off of Maura's face. She had never felt so loved and surrounded by family as she did that evening. Even when she crawled into bed that night after everyone had gone home, she still had that silly grin on her face.
She laid on her back in bed, ghosting her hand over her baby bump that had just started to get to the point where she had difficulty hiding it. Her mind replayed her favorite parts of the evening as she lay there – Angela's reaction, Jane's smile, Nina's excitement to be an 'aunt,' the tears that Jane tried to hide that made her brown eyes sparkle, Korsak's declaration that he wanted to be 'Papi,' Jane's constant check-ins to see how she was feeling, Frankie and Tommy's insistence that Maura's kid was going to know all the sports, Jane's hand on her hip, Jane's arms around her…oh, shit.
Maura squeezed her eyes shut. As her thoughts increasingly drifted towards Jane, she hadn't realized what it was doing to her body. Her sex drive had gone a little crazy over the past two weeks. She knew this was a symptom of her pregnancy. The problem was she didn't exactly have someone who could help her relieve the tension. She could do it herself, of course, and she did, but so far, she had done so without…without going down that route. Except now she couldn't think of anything other than the feeling of Jane's hands on her.
She squirmed in her bed as she tried to push thoughts of Jane from her mind. She would not masturbate to fantasies of Jane…it was wrong…oh but it also felt so right.
Maura groaned as she gave into her desires, her hands moving of their own accord as she closed her eyes and imagined that her hands were Jane's hands. And it felt good…oh, so good. When she finished, she felt a sense of relief that she hadn't felt in weeks – that she hadn't felt the other times she had taken care of herself. But she also felt guilty. She shouldn't be thinking about her friend like that – not when they weren't together – even if that was exactly what she wanted.
After
Saturday, December 2, 2017
She was insane. That's what she was. Insane. Who thought that it was a good idea to drag an eight-month-old out into the cold to buy a fresh Christmas tree? Jane did, of course. And Alice was most definitely not a happy camper.
Luckily, they had finally made it back home, and Alice was now napping happily in her crib, all warm and cozy. Jane, on the other hand, was battling with the tree as she tried to get it set up in Maura's living room. She hoped to get the lights on it before Alice woke up. Then, she wanted Alice to 'help' put on the ornaments – even though Jane knew Alice wouldn't actually be able to put ornaments on the tree, and she'd probably have to do most of it after Alice went to bed tonight. Well, Alice could play with the (kid-safe) ornaments, at least.
Jane was determined to make sure that Alice experienced everything Christmas had to offer. Jane didn't care that she wouldn't remember. Maura would know. Jane knew that Maura wanted to be the one to do these things with Alice, but she hoped that knowing that Alice wasn't missing out would at least make her feel a little bit better.
So, Jane was going to do it all. She was going to set up the fresh tree. She was going to brave the mall during the month of December to take Alice to meet Santa. She was going to take the adorable Christmas pictures of Alice all dressed up, and she was going to make one of those ridiculous photo Christmas cards and send them to their close friends and family from Maura and Alice – the ones that wouldn't find it weird that Jane was sending cards on Maura's behalf. She was going to give Alice her first taste of a Christmas cookie. She was going to spoil the little girl rotten on Christmas morning. And most importantly, she was going to tell Alice how much her mommy wanted to spend Christmas with her – she was going to make sure the little girl felt loved.
Monday, December 4, 2017
"Good morning, Maura," Nancy greeted Maura brightly as she entered the office.
"Good morning," Maura answered obligingly, but there was no emotion in her voice.
"How are you feeling today?" Nancy asked as Maura took her seat on the couch across from her.
"I have cephalgia," Maura said bluntly. She knew she was being difficult, but she was having a hard time caring.
Nancy raised her eyebrow and waited for Maura to continue.
"A headache," Maura finally said, switching to the lay term.
"I'm familiar with the term," Nancy said. Her tone was kind as she continued, "Let me ask you something. Do you often use medical terms even when you are familiar with the more common term for something?"
Maura narrowed her eyes. "I like to be precise," she said defensively.
"I believe that that is true – most of the time," Nancy said, emphasizing 'most of the time.' "However, I think you also have a tendency to hide behind complex language when you're uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that you like to be precise, and that precision is incredibly important in your job, especially when describing medical conditions or symptoms.
"But nothing about the term cephalgia is more precise than saying you have a headache. In fact, most physicians use the term headache even in medical charts. You wanted me to ask about the term. When most people do that, they are trying to exert their power or superiority, or they are trying to belittle the other person by forcing them to ask for clarification. However, I don't think that is why you do it."
"I don't understand," Maura said softly. The last thing she wanted was to talk down to anyone. She knew she did it occasionally (maybe even frequently) by accident – Jane often pointed it out – but she never, ever thought she was better than anyone else, not because of her intelligence, not because of her family status, not because of her job, not because of anything. In fact, she hated that she came across that way.
"A few days ago, we talked at length about you experience at boarding school. Do you remember what you told me?" Nancy asked.
"That I didn't have any friends," Maura replied reluctantly. When her doctor didn't say anything, Maura continued, "They called me Maura-the-bora. They thought I was boring. I was never interested in the things that the other kids were interested in." Maura paused and shrugged. She wasn't really sure what Nancy's point was. They had already spent a lot of time talking about her time at boarding school. "I found it difficult to relate to my classmates. I didn't know how to talk to them."
"In other words, you found it difficult to communicate with them," Nancy said.
"Are you saying that my classmates didn't like me because I used precise language?" Maura asked, somewhat indignantly.
"I'm not making any claims about whether or not your classmates liked you nor why they may or may not have liked you," Nancy said. "But I am trying to direct your attention to something that you have mentioned many times during our sessions, and that is your difficulty relating to or communicating with others. This bothers you, but it also feels safe to you."
"I don't…I don't know…" Maura admitted despite the fact that she instantly thought that her doctor may have a point. She had come to terms with her social awkwardness so long ago that at this point, it didn't bother her like it used to. "Like a self-fulfilling prophesy?"
"Exactly," Nancy said. "When you expect a conversation to be uncomfortable, you end up hiding behind complex words…you end up sabotaging yourself to a certain degree."
Maura huffed as she tried to hide her annoyance, sitting further back against the couch. Nancy dropped the issue for now – much to Maura's relief. She had noticed that her doctor would do this. She was essentially giving Maura time to work through these things on her own before they readdressed them in her sessions.
"How severe is your headache?" Nancy asked.
"It's one of the worst I've had in years," Maura admitted.
"Did it just start?"
"It's been building over the last couple of days."
"I'm concerned it may be a side effect of your current drug regimen, especially if it's getting worse as the medication builds up in your system," Nancy explained. "Do you remember when it started?
Maura thought back. "It started Thursday evening, but it didn't get back until yesterday. The first few days, it was just a dull annoyance more than anything," she said.
Nancy looked at Maura's chart. She continued to ask Maura questions about how she was feeling both mentally and physically. Maura had already tried a few different medications. The first one she had tried had made her brain so foggy and her fatigue was so bad that she could barely function. They had quickly switched the anti-depressant. The brain fog had lifted but the fatigue had remained, so they tried a different anti-anxiety medication. Nancy ended up deciding to switch both her anti-depressant and her anti-anxiety medication this time. Maura honestly didn't care at this point. She was starting to lose hope that something would work. Once that was decided, Nancy returned to the conversation she had tried to start the previous day.
"You've been here about a week and a half, and you've made significant progress in many areas. However, there are still two topics that you have been unwilling to discuss: your daughter Alice and your friend Jane," Nancy pointed out for the fifth day in a row. She had let Maura direct the conversation at first, but she knew they wouldn't be able to get to the root of the issues if they didn't start discussing the two people most central to her life.
"I don't want to talk about Alice or Jane," Maura said quietly as she protectively wrapped her arms around herself. She knew she couldn't avoid talking about them forever, but maybe she could push it off another day. Except, that's what she told herself yesterday…and the day before…and the day before that. Other than their initial conversation about her struggles parenting, Maura had steadfastly refused to talk about either Alice or Jane.
"The longer you avoid talking about them, the longer it will take for you to recover," Nancy said kindly. "Having a support system is one of the most important factors in the success of a patient's recovery – something I know you already know. Having a support system in place is also an important part of parenting, even for healthy parents. From what you have told me and what I've concluded from how you talk about other people in your life, Jane is the most important person in your support system – both as an individual and as a parent. Is that a correct conclusion?"
"Yes," Maura admitted reluctantly with a sigh.
"Why do you think you are so reluctant to talk about her?" Nancy asked.
Maura remained silent because the truth was, she didn't know why she didn't want to talk about Jane. Usually, Jane was all she could talk about – the easiest thing for her to talk about – but now…well, nothing was 'usual.'
"Start simple," Nancy said. "Give me…three words to describe Jane. The first three words that come to your mind."
"Um, okay," Maura said quietly. "Loyal, fierce, loving."
"Tell me a story about a time when Jane was loyal," Nancy suggested.
"Oh, uh," Maura stalled. "Well, when I first found out that Paddy Doyle was my biological father, he, um, he kidnapped me from the morgue."
"He kidnapped you?" Nancy said.
"He wasn't going to hurt me," Maura said, unsure why exactly she was defending him. "He just…he wanted information about who killed his son…my half-brother. He let me go, and I called Jane from the phone that Paddy had given me to call him when we found out who the murderer was. What Paddy wanted isn't the point though. When I called Jane, she clearly thought it was Paddy calling. She answered with 'whatever you want, I can get it.'"
"She could have gotten in a lot of trouble for that," Nancy clarified.
"Yes, she could have lost her job, and had I not been the person on the other end of the phone, she could have been charged with aiding and abetting a known criminal," Maura said.
"How did you feel about that?" Nancy asked.
"I never wanted her to compromise her job or her morals for me," Maura said.
"Did she compromise her morals though?"
"She believes in the justice system. She believes in right and wrong."
"Or was she just prioritizing family over justice? It's possible to hold moral values that sometimes conflict with each other, but how you act in that situation shows what you truly value. It sounds to me like Jane values family more than anything. She would do anything to protect the people she loves, including you."
"Jane doesn't love me," Maura said quickly without thinking. Then, realizing what she had said, she closed her eyes. Oh shit, she thought to herself. Her doctor was going to latch onto that statement.
"One of the words you used to describe Jane was 'loving,' yet, you don't think she loves you?" Nancy asked.
"No, she does love me…as family," Maura said quietly before she buried her face in her hands.
"Maura, who is Jane to you?" Nancy asked.
"She's my best friend," Maura said, removing her hands from her face but refusing to look up.
"Is that all you want from her?"
Maura quickly glanced at her doctor before looking back at her hands in her lap. Maura sighed. She was suddenly feeling exhausted. She didn't want to have this conversation. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to go back to her room and sleep.
"Maura," Nancy gently prodded, but Maura remained silent. In fact, she refused to say another word. After fifteen minutes had passed in complete silence, their session was over. "Okay, we're out of time for today, but we'll pick up with talking about Jane tomorrow."
Maura stood up and left the room without another word. She didn't even acknowledge her doctor as she fled the room. The need to escape was overwhelming. She didn't care that she was supposed to be at lunch. She didn't care that she was breaking the rules. She didn't care that people were going to come looking for her. All she cared about was getting away. Away from these feelings. Away from the people who insisted on asking about the things she didn't want to talk about. Away from everything.
She was able to catch the door to the bedrooms before it locked when someone exited. She knew it was probably the first place they would look, but her brain wasn't really working like it usually did. Within minutes, she was buried back in her bed, hoping that she would be left alone. Of course, it wasn't even five minutes before there was a knock on her door. When Maura didn't answer, Nancy let herself in.
"Maura, you know you're not supposed to be in your bedroom during the day," she said kindly but firmly. "You need to come to lunch." Nancy continued to talk to her, to tell her the importance of participating in the program, but Maura refused to respond. Eventually, her doctor decided to give her the day. She was told that dinner would be delivered to her room, and a staff member would check on her regularly throughout the day, but otherwise, she could take the day to reset. She was expected back tomorrow morning, and if she didn't show up at breakfast, they would have to discuss a more restrictive treatment plan going forward.
The Next Day
By the next morning, Maura decided that she didn't really want to find out what a more restrictive program would look like, so she reluctantly showed up at breakfast. When she arrived, she noticed a new patient sitting at one of the tables next to the window. The woman looked young – no older than 25 – and something about her reminded Maura of herself at that age. She tried to ignore the woman as she got breakfast and coffee, but her eyes kept returning to her.
In the end, she couldn't stop herself. She carried her breakfast over to the table where the woman was sitting and quietly asked, "Could I sit with you?"
The woman looked up at her and gave her a curt nod before looking back at her own breakfast.
"My name is Maura," Maura said softly as she started eating.
The woman glanced at her once more, but at first, she didn't say anything. She stayed silent for so long that Maura figured she wasn't going to answer. However, after a few moments, she said hoarsely, "Katie."
Maura tried to give Katie a reassuring smile, but she wasn't sure if she was successful. "It's nice to meet you, Katie." Katie nodded but otherwise didn't respond.
Maura chewed on her bottom lip as she tried to decide what to say next. Eventually, she decided to share about herself in the hope that Katie might start to feel more comfortable. "I've been here since the day before Thanksgiving," she said quietly. "Everyone here has been very nice, and they truly seem to care. It hasn't been easy, but I think it's helping. I mean, I don't know…I had a really bad day yesterday, but the fact that I'm out here today tells me that something must be working because when I first got here, I'm not sure I would have been able to function the day after having a bad day."
"I don't want to be here," Katie grumbled.
"I-I miss my family and friends, too, but…"
"My parents forced me to come here," Katie cut Maura off rudely. "They threatened to cut me off if I didn't come here for at least 30 days. I don't need to be here. My parents are just overreacting."
Maura paused. She didn't know what to say, but now that Katie had started talking, she didn't seem to want to stop.
"Everyone my age does it. How else do they expect us to get through all the shit school expects of us?" Katie raged.
"Everyone does what?" Maura asked despite herself.
"Share prescriptions…Adderall, Ritalin, you know," Katie said flippantly. "We need it to get through the work. And sometimes on the weekends, we'll switch to ecstasy to have a little fun, but what's the harm in having a little fun?"
"You can do serious harm to your body," Maura said through her shock.
Katie rolled her eyes. "You sound like my parents," she said exasperatedly. "But I'm not an addict. They already forced me to detox. I'm fine. I don't need to be here. The semester is over anyway."
"Oh…well…um…" Maura tripped over her words.
Katie waved her off. "Don't worry about it. It's not your problem," she said as she stood up.
"Oh, okay," Maura said, surprised at the woman's abrupt departure. "It was nice to meet you," she called after Katie as she walked away. Katie just waved over her shoulder without looking back. Maura watched her go. She was a bit taken aback by the other woman's personality. She had approached Katie because she thought she saw something of herself in the woman, but after this conversation, Maura was pretty sure she couldn't have been more wrong.
Katie ended up being in Maura's group therapy, and despite their earlier encounter, Maura still found herself paying attention to her. Katie didn't say much during group – mostly repeating the same things she had told Maura earlier, but Maura was starting to expect that there was more to her story.
Maura's session with Nancy wasn't until the afternoon. After exchanging polite greetings with Nancy, Maura took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about yesterday," she said quietly.
"You don't need to apologize to me," Nancy replied. "You're here for yourself not for me. You're doing this for yourself and for your family."
"I know, but I was rude," Maura said.
"Well, it's a new day, so why don't we just move forward," Nancy said.
"You're going to ask me about Jane again, aren't you?"
Nancy laughed lightly. "Yes, I am," she admitted.
"I met Katie, the new resident this morning," Maura replied, and she could tell by the look on Nancy's face that she didn't expect what seemed like a complete change of topic. "She told me a little bit about why she was here, but she kept insisting that she didn't need to be here. I know I'm here for a very different reason but hearing her in such denial…I don't know. I guess, it made me realize that fighting this isn't going to help. Logically, I knew that already, but…"
"But sometimes it's easier to see things in someone else than it is to admit them about yourself," Nancy finished for her.
"Yes, exactly," Maura confirmed. "It's still not easy," she added quietly. "But I want…I don't want to live in denial anymore."
"Okay," Nancy said with a smile.
"You asked if I wanted something else from Jane besides being my best friend," Maura started. "I do. I know you already figured that out, but I also know that I had to be the one to say it out loud." Maura took a deep breath before continuing, "My feelings for Jane are not a recent revelation. I've known how I felt about her for years, but it was never an option. At first, that was hard for me, but eventually, I learned to live with it. I wished things were different, but I overall I was okay with it. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But my point is, I moved on – or well, I thought I did. I didn't decide to have a child on my own in order to trap Jane."
"Do you think she thinks that?"
"No…I don't know…I don't think so, but given everything that's happened since I got pregnant, I've wondered if it looked that way from the outside. But I never expected things to go the way they did. I naively thought that I was fully prepared to be a mother. But then I got put on bed rest, and Jane stayed with me. And then, I couldn't care for Alice, and so Jane stayed. Jane always stayed," Maura trailed off quietly.
"Have you talked to Jane about this?" Nancy asked.
"No," Maura answered quickly. "I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Before Alice, my relationship with Jane was the most important relationship in my life. I couldn't risk losing that."
"Why were you so sure that telling Jane how you felt would ruin your friendship?"
"I wasn't sure," Maura clarified. "Jane's not homophobic. But it wasn't worth the risk."
"Not even if you could have had a romantic relationship with her?"
"I didn't think that was a possibility."
"Didn't? Past tense?" Nancy pointed out.
"I'm not sure," Maura admitted. "Before all of this, I thought I was sure, but Jane stayed. I guess I've wondered if that means something. I hate guessing. I don't guess," Maura added with a hint of derision in her voice. Then, with a shake of her head, she said, "But she stayed. I treated her terribly, but she stayed. Why?"
"You'd have to ask her," Nancy said.
Maura sighed. "I knew you were going to say that," she pointed out. "I know you're right, but it's easier said than done."
"True; the important things usually are," Nancy replied. "But we can work together to decide the best way for you to approach Jane. We can practice conversations and talk through different scenarios."
"Yes, I-I think that's a good idea, but maybe not today, okay?"
Nancy smiled and nodded. "That's fine," she said. "The other thing I would like you to start thinking about is how you want to bring Jane into your treatment plan. As I mentioned yesterday, family support is critical in recovery, and we like to start earlier rather than later with integrating family members into a patient's treatment plan. We can start slow. I would suggest we start with a phone call. Then, after a few successful phone calls, you can invite her for a visit and possibly some joint sessions."
"I don't know how she'll feel about that," Maura commented. "She's always hated therapy."
"Well, you can start with asking her and moving from there, but somehow, I think if she was willing to alter her entire life to take care of you and your daughter, joining some of your therapy sessions probably isn't as big of an ask."
"It sounds terrible when you say it like that," Maura said, scrunching her nose in displeasure.
"Am I wrong?"
"No," Maura said resignedly.
Nancy smiled kindly. "We'll work through it, but you should be really proud of yourself for the progress you've made today," she said.
"Thank you," Maura said quietly. They spent the rest of the session talking about other things, and Maura was grateful for that.