Chapter 26

"All reality about me now appeared to be in tatters, taken down and reduced to the civil war of its particles. I held on very, very tight indeed. Because in addition to that feeling, that disintegration, there was rage. I wanted to break something."
― Sebastian Faulks, Engleby

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August 22nd, 2044

Dear Dean:

I think it is the first time I am actually safe to say being married can be a hard thing to maintain through the thick and thin moments of life. When all you know changes in a blink of an eye. When you don't know what you are doing.

When you mess things up, and no matter what happens, you can never forgive yourself for what you did.

I mean it. Sharing your entire life with a partner that knows everything about you and vice versa, makes them think you will be able to help them when you cannot even find your own words to heal yourself. Even if you feel the need to respond to their cries, your heart is not ready to hug her yet.

We lost Erik four months ago. If I couldn't see it before he passed, I now know he was Genevieve's favorite parental figure. When Camille died, she was heartbroken. I saw it in her eyes.

When her father passed, she crumbled and still does not have the energy to get back up, no matter how much support she's been getting from our little family and friends. DJ comes often to make her smile. He hugs her and comforts her in a way I will never be able to help her.

Since Dean's still in college and it is just the two of us here, I am trying to reach her. She is just… not mentally present. Not at all. It feels like I am talking to a wall.

Did I act like her the first months after losing you? I am tempted to read the first letters I have written in this journal, however, I don't want to look back at them while Gen needs me to be here. I know I wrote about Miracle and you while I still lived in the Bunker. That is how much I remember of those days.

I have hugged her countless times, sensing her whole body shacking against mine while she wept the pain molecules away from her eyes. Even though I try to soothe her, I cannot say anything good.

I am done lying to others. Maybe I sound like the bad person here, but I can't let her put me in her shoes. I lost my dad, too. If I let this thin wall fall down AGAIN, I will be nothing but dead weight on her shoulders. If I allow it to win, I know I will lose her, too.

The other day she triggered my weak spot with a single question. I did not think that that was even possible. We were watching TV together when she asked it. There was no previous warning. Nothing that could prepare me for what was about to happen.

"How do you cope knowing all of them are gone? Now I understand why you acted like that for all these years. I'm so sorry for what you are going through"

Within my mind, there was a decent answer to be said, but my heart had had enough. I was frustrated and tired. I was hurting. I was not thinking clear.

All I remember is yelling I didn't know the freaking answer. I said she had to deal with it, because it was something I could not help her with. The part that hurt both of us the most was when I told her that Erik was not coming back ever again. He was dead, and she could not hide behind an illusion any longer.

She opened her eyes in shock, and the fight started. We said things we both knew were going to regret later, so I stormed off. Just like the old times, I began walking despite how tired my legs felt. I needed to think. I needed to forget. I needed to know the magical answer to her question.

After thirty minutes, I found myself in a park I had never paid enough attention to, until today. Somehow, it sounded familiar to my eyes. I had seen that crooked tree before. A very specific area of it caught my attention. Then, I remembered something you said when we found the Bunker and moved in.

Mom and dad used to take you to that park when you were a toddler. You loved it. I remember you told me dad carved the letter 'D' on the tree, so when you would come back as an adult, you would remember your childhood days.

With the help of my glasses, I walked towards it to find it. I crouched right next to the tree for several minutes, enough to make my back hurt; but I found it. Dad carved that letter with the pocketknife he always carried everywhere he went.

It was at the bottom of the tree. That little 'D' was the proof you were once a happy kid who was excited about growing up. My knees gave in as my breath became erratic. I was having another panic attack. A big one.

Gen called me when it became too late to be out there, but the guilt of the things I said did not let me answer. Twenty minutes passed until I regained control of myself and walked my way back home.

Gen did not deserve my pathetic attitude. I had no right to do that, yet, I did it anyways.

She looked at me with teary eyes, and mine answered back at hers with a silent apology. I took one-step towards her, wrapped my arms around her body and kissed her on the forehead. A second later, she rested her head on me, and we both started crying.

I know that the fight was caused by everything we had been dealing with since the day I met her. From that day to the pain of the child we lost, to losing Camille, Erik, you and Miracle. They were the empty rocking chairs within our souls that weighted too much to let them go, and could never be defined with words how much we wished they were filled with life and laughter instead of broken dreams or fake hope.

In that moment, we were both time travelling to the past and living in the present time, all of us together, with no distance to be perceived in between the tears being shed. All we had was each other. All we would ever have besides us were the people who were once here.

I am here, telling you about today's breakdown, while Gen watches old videos of Erik and Camille playing with a much younger version of our son. He was still in diapers, smiling at their grandparents. I miss my kid being home. He is the magical light that heals my wounds.

I wish I could do something with this pain. Sometimes, it feels like you can turn it to love, but other times, it rips you apart. It is a black hole that when it wakes up, begins swallowing everything it finds in front of it.

When we are hurting, we lose ourselves. We do not stand a chance. That is what my old friend, grief, taught me.

We are the vessels of it most days. Grief control us, and makes us its puppets.

I think that is everything I can write today. I wish Erik were here with us, too.

I will do better, brother. I will do it for you, Erik, Gen, DJ and me. Maybe I have finally found I am worthy of building something strong. Not all things you love break.

Gen and I are going on a small road trip together. We have to work on our relationship. It sucks, but I know we will only come out of this hole if we are together. There is no other option here.

Feeling is the most complicated, yet most beautiful thing that makes us be human.

Sammy

Author's note: Hey guys! This chapter was not planned at all. It is something that we all struggle in real life, after all.

I wrote some of my own reflections on life here. I Hope you actually enjoy it. Next chapter should be better! Thank you for the lovely reviews! If you have a minute, do not forget to leave one. It makes me happy to know you can relate to some things written in here.

See you sometime soon! Love you, guys.

KW.-