A/N: I am SO sorry it has taken so long to get this story updated :( I can't believe it's been 6 years :'(

I won't go into all the details, all the things that happened in that time that kept me trying to update and get back online and then falling off again :/ Life is basically what it boils down to though. A lot of things happening and changing beyond the obvious thing that's happened the last year :/ Each time I felt like I got to a good place to get back and posting, something else would come up and just knock me down again :/

But early last year I got to a point where things seemed to be stabilizing and getting into something of a routine and I felt like I could really try to come back again. I've learned my lesson from other attempts, started very, very slow by posting only 2x a week and focusing on the stories I had left unfinished during that time, putting all other stories on pause, like this one. Then moved into trying to catch up/complete some series in the last few months of 2020.

Since things kept relatively smooth and on schedule last year, I tried to slowly bump up my posting to 3x a week this year. AND I'm trying to get the side stories (Spin-offs, Sequels, and AUs) back up and running.

But, again, it will be VERY slow going to start.

So what I will be doing with the side stories is I am going to post A chapter for 2 stories in a month. There are/will be 12 side stories, so 2 stories will have a new chapter each month and I'll rotate through them, and now it's IYC! :D

I posted on tumblr the order of what stories I'll be updating each month. I'll be aiming to post a chapter around the 15th and 30th of a month. I'll also be trying to space them out where we're not getting stories from just 1 series in a month and maybe try to space out the AUs a little more too.

I know it may seem very slow, because it would mean this story will only be updated 1 more time this year after this chapter, but after being on pause near 6 years, something is better than nothing, right? And if I can keep up the 2 updates a month, I may bump it up to 3 a month once I get through the 12 side stories ;)

For now, we're on IYC and I'll be adding another chapter of An Ancient Observer at the end of this month but check out my tumblr's Upcoming Stories page for more of a schedule for the other ones ;)

Onto the chapter!

~8~

Doubts

Clara hesitated as she stood outside the red police telephone box set up on a corner just outside a park near her flat. She should knock, she knew that, she'd asked Evy and the Doctor to bring here there for the express reason of speaking to the Captain about her recent behavior. She owed him a rather large apology for cutting him out the way she had, all because Danny Pink had gotten in her head. And she was going to apologize to him, she was.

Because, unlike with the Doctor and Evy, where Evy had done something TO her to warrant the cold shoulder, J hadn't done anything like that.

She winced as she thought of how she'd treated him just after the Moon. She'd gotten back to her flat and stormed in, still upset, only to see J siting on her sofa, two cups of tea set up before her with some nibbles as he always did when she went on adventures with his parents. Even though he was technically there, as a toddler, there were some things he didn't notice as a child, things that went over his head and, overall, he just wanted to hear her experience and her perspective on things. He was always so drawn in by how differently some things happened from what he remembered compared to how an 'adult' would perceive it.

She'd yelled at him, she'd told him to get out, to get the hell out, because she didn't want to see him or his family or want anything to do with any of them ever again.

Very extreme, but she had been upset and angry and she hadn't been able to handle seeing another reminder of what happened.

He'd tried to talk to her and she'd just turned round and left because she couldn't even stand the sight of him, just thinking back to his baby-self, to the baby in the moon-egg, and her choice.

When she'd come back later, he was gone.

She owed it to him to explain what happened and apologize, because he had done nothing wrong.

But she hesitated, unsure if she should knock, if he'd even want to see her right now after the pain she'd caused him.

Because she knew she'd hurt him. He was trying to dull it, but she could feel it from there, through the Link, his anger at his parents, his hurt over her reaction, his worry for her. And part of her was devastated to have done it, horrified, and so ashamed she didn't know how she would ever face him again.

…and another part was terrified.

Because the Doctor and Evy had taken her to the Captain, just as she requested, and it was rather quick, near instant really. The man had apparently given them a code to track him down, hoping that they would fix whatever went wrong between them and her and wanted to know as soon as possible that things were ok again. But in that short amount of time, her mind had gone about a thousand feet into a spiral of worried thoughts.

As much as Danny's words had been brushed out of her by Evy's talk about the Moon, there was another doubt and worry that had risen in her that she may or may not have (she belatedly realized) been using her anger at the older Time Lords to keep herself form thinking of this…issue…with the younger Time Lord.

Danny had gotten to her fear of losing her humanity, becoming too alien, but there was another part lingering in the back of her head she wasn't sure he intended to put there. He'd not said anything expressly about it, but all his talk about becoming an alien and her trying to explain how it happened…it had sprung up, and it bothered her so much.

It was something she could only talk to the Captain about so it was another reason to knock on the door…but she just couldn't seem to manage to actually DO it.

Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, the door opened and J was standing there, his eyes wide, "You're here," he breathed, sounding so relieved and thankful that it nearly broke her heart(s) to hear.

"Yeah" was her brilliant response, eyeing him up and down, he looked like he'd come running from somewhere in the TARDIS as soon as he realized she was there, which she didn't doubt he had. She cleared her throat, "I was hoping we could…talk."

"Oh," he breathed.

"No!' she said quickly, seeing where his mind had gone, to the 'human' turn of phrase where one member of a relationship would say 'we need to talk' before breaking up with the other, "No, not that!" she reassured him, "Just…about what happened on the Moon."

"Right, yeah, of course," he nodded, stepping to the side and letting her in, though there was a frown on his face, "But I already know what happened on the Moon. I was there."

"Yeah," she sighed, "It was a giant misunderstanding between your mum and me and…"

"You mean dad?" he cut in gently leading her over to a lovely plush sofa set up on the side of the console room in place of a pilot's chair.

"What?" she glanced at him before realizing what he meant, that he expected his father to have been the one to mess it up not Evy, "No, no, it was Evy this time."

"Huh," he murmured, "Not something you see everyday."

"Tell me about it," Clara murmured before reaching out to take his hand, relieved when he still let her, "She wanted to help me see that, just because I turned into a Time Lady, doesn't mean I'm any less human, in essence at least. That being alien doesn't mean I'll lose my humanity."

"Why would you ever think…"

"Danny," she cut in, really not wanting to relive the entire conversation all over again…though from the increasingly angry look on J's face, she was sure he was seeing it play out in her mind, "He made some comments and I let it get in my head and I reacted really badly. I assumed things about Evy and it made thing worse."

"Well, mum could have gone about it better," he remarked, now that her thoughts had turned to what his mother had done, the conversation they'd just had.

"I just…I had to apologize for what I did, or how I treated you, Cap'n, it wasn't fair, and I never should have pushed you out like that. It was so, SO wrong of me and…"

"I, um, I won't lie and say it didn't hurt," J cut in lightly, seeing tears in her eyes and feeling her utter anguish over her treatment of him, he couldn't bear her being so sad, "But, Clar, I get it. It's a really new thing for you, being a Time Lady when you've only ever been human. No one I've ever heard of has ever become one, or any alien species, the way you did. It's going to be a learning curve for all of us, I imagine. There'll be rocky parts and smooth parts and…I think they'll be easier to deal with, if we do it together."

"We will," Clara promised, "I swear, from now on, we'll talk first, no matter how upset either of us might be about something."

He looked at her for a moment, "You're sill upset thought," he read off her, frowning when her thoughts shifted and she looked away, "Clar, whatever it is I won't be mad. Or, well, I might be mad, but I promise, we WILL talk things out," he told her, "I know enough of my mum and dad and how long it took them to get to a better place because they didn't talk and I don't want that."

"You're right," she nodded, "It's not that I don't want to talk it's just…I'm scared."

"Of me?"

"No," she turned back to him, "Not of you, never of you," she promised, squeezing his hand more and placing her free one on his too, "I'm…I'm scared of the question I want to ask, what your answer is, and what you'll think of me for asking it."

"I'll always think the world of you, Clarana."

Clara flinched at that, closing her eyes because she didn't think she could get the question out if she was looking at him, "Do you only love me because of the Link?" she asked.

"Do I…what?" he blinked, startled.

She took breath and turned to him, "Are we only together because we're Links? If…if I wasn't your Link, would you still love me? Anyone, literally anyone else, could have stepped into that time tunnel and become a Time Lord and…"

"That's not how the Link works," J said quietly, "I mean, no one really knows how it works the way it does, how we just…know which person is perfect for us in future incarnations when we haven't become them yet. There was a lot of research and theory that it was the result of exposure to the Time Vortex and the Untempered Schism that we just sort of obtained this subconscious innate sense of time and it connected to another who was…"

"Cap'n," she cut in lightly seeing how he was veering off into a tangent.

"Right," he nodded, "I mean…yeah, any other person could have stepped into the time tunnel and become a Time Lord. But they wouldn't have been my Link."

"How can you be sure?"

He could sense the additional question in her voice, it wasn't just about how he could be sure that the person wouldn't be his Link…but how he could be sure he loved her or if it was BECAUSE of the Link that he did.

She was so afraid that he only loved her because she was his Link and not because he just loved her.

He was going to kill Danny Pink next time he saw the man for putting those terrible doubts in Clara's head.

He could see in her mind how she'd gotten to that notion. He was waiting for his Link, hoping they were out there so he could love them. Then she appears as his Link, so of course he would love her for that. And Danny bringing up how her choice had led to her 'loss of humanity' would only make her think about how her choice had been that, HER choice, and that anyone else could have made a similar one. Hell, Vastra could have stepped into that time tunnel and become the first Silurian Time Lord or something.

And if his Link could only be a Time Lord…then she thought it had to be the person who went into the Time Tunnel, it just happened to be her.

He could remember telling her, shortly after she woke up from the Time Tunnel that he had a crush on her, feelings for her, but it was clear to him that what Danny said had really shaken her, made her question if he'd only said it because she woke up as his Link and not because it was genuine. For that, he didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive Danny Pink. Looking back on that time, he knew he'd felt something for Clara all his life, since he was a toddler, there had always been something different that pulled him in. Three hundred years later, and that feeling had only gotten stronger. He just had to show her how strong it had always been.

"Because I'm pretty sure I loved you before you stepped foot in that tunnel," he told her, chuckling lightly as he thought about something, "I don't think mini-me is particularly subtle in his crush on you."

She cracked a smile for that, "He did basically propose to me before he could even really talk,"

"Had to stake my claim early," he teased, "I mean, compared to being the Empress of a Thousand Galaxies? My cuteness could only last so long to counter that offer."

"You're still very cute," she assured him, "And handsome."

He smiled, "You're beautiful, Clar," he told her, "Inside and out. How could I NOT love you? Your sass, your bravery, your wit, your protective instincts, you're so clever and wonderful," he reached out to touch her cheek, "I always said that I wouldn't love anyone but my Link…" he nodded slowly, "But I really think you would have made me question all of it."

"Really?" she breathed, blinking back her tears, knowing how important that was to him, how much he fought how much he liked her.

He nodded, "You would have left, like all the other companions eventually do," he said, "And…I really think I would have followed you, found a way to keep you in my life somehow. Who knows?" he tried to joke, "Maybe I would have taken a leaf out of dad's book and turned myself human so we could be equals."

"You would have done that?" she stared at him.

"I don't think I could have stayed away," he revealed, "Clara," he moved to take her other hand, "I can't say what circumstances or powers that be are out there that made it be you that stepped into the Time Tunnel. But if it hadn't been you, if…if you'd never been their companion, that person wouldn't have been my Link. The way I feel about you…I've never felt it before, for anyone. However it happened that you were the one meant for me, all I can feel is grateful. Because now I…now I can love you all my life, all your life, all our lives, and know I'll never lose you. You're it for me, Clar, it was always going to be you or no one."

"We're soulmates," Clara murmured.

He nodded, "I really believe that. If it wasn't you, it wouldn't be anyone. I'd be one of the Time Lords who had no Link."

"You would have been alone though," Clara said, feeling so horrible at the thought. She hadn't been lying when she said once that she would have stood aside if he found his Link, better he be with someone than forever alone. She'd seen enough of the Doctor's timeline to know how he'd been when he'd been alone.

He shrugged, "I would have been ok," he told her, "I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I love you, and I don't want to love anyone but you. Link or not."

Clara smiled, "I love you too," she told him, leaning in to kiss him, all thoughts of anything Danny said to her fading away.

A/N: Again, SO sorry it took so long to get back to this :( But I've been keeping to schedule so there's that at least lol :) I debated so much whether to have the new chapter be a happy, sappy, fluffy ball of love...but after writing J into Clara's story with Danny lurking about, I felt like this was a tie-in that had to happen first. Because he was SO upset when Clara gave him the cold shoulder in the main-story, that I just wanted to explore how they made up :)

And I figured that, with how badly Danny's words got to her, to the point where she blew up at Evy over the Moon, there HAD to be some lingering doubts put in there about J too :( Her fears that it could have been any other person to step into that tunnel and if his Link could only be a Time Lord/Lady, then was it HER or was it her CHOICE that brought them together? I think J had to really let her know just how much he liked her when she was human, and how much she made him question everything he'd decided about his life :')

Had to get that angst out to get to the fluff later ;)

Some notes on reviews...

There will be a post-Library J just reacting to the loss of River, his feelings on it, and how he ends up coping from it, how he works up the courage and fortitude to get back on his feet and continue the adventures he and River always wanted to have :')

Oh yes, I can say J WILL propose to Clara at one point, given how he sort of is making connections that maintaining her human qualities is important to her, he'll be very aware that when the time comes, a human version of events would mean more to her ;) I can't say when though or if it'll be in this collection or the main series };)