Chapter 21.
At around 4:00 am, I noticed Bella's discomfort. I had stopped using my gift once I could tell she was soundly asleep, I hadn't wanted to deter her dreams. It started off slowly, a twitch of the fingers, her heart beat increasing slightly. Her breathing deepened, she began to toss and turn. I watched as little by little her limbs became tangled in her bedding and sweat began to glisten off of her skin in the faint moonlight.
"Mmmm, where's Jasper?" She mumbled in her sleep. Her face warped with confusion. It was strange, I could feel the shift in her emotions, even as she slept. Her anxiety increased. Suddenly Bella's back arched up off the bed and she began gasping for air. I rushed to Bella's side, in shock, not sure if I should wake her. Was this what always happened when she was having one of these dreams? I was hit with a sudden massive wave of fear and then her body relaxed back on the bed and her eyes shot open. When Bella's tired eyes found my face she sat up and clung onto me, clutching my shirt with white knuckles and burying her face in my chest. I held her in my arms and sent her a dose of calming energy.
"Bella, what was it? What was your dream about?" I asked, my face crumpling with concern.
"I - I - I don't know. I was alone in the parking lot at school, there weren't any cars except for my truck. I wasn't inside of it though, I was standing next to it. It was cold and eerie, the sky was gray and a thick fog coated the ground making it hard to see. Then I heard an awful sound, almost like a screech. I turned around and all I saw was a flash of white, but I had the sensation of being . . . I don't know hit, maybe crushed by something. Then I woke up." She reached behind her and grabbed her dream journal, scribbling down what she'd just told me. "Do you think it means anything?" She asked after a moment.
"I don't know Bella. I'm going to have to talk to Alice, to see if she can see anything. Just . . . try not to worry for now. Go back to sleep." I told her, placing a kiss on her forehead. I went to take my seat back in the rocking chair and used my gift to lull Bella gently back to sleep. She was deep in slumber when I'd had to leave around 6:00 am, I snuck out while her father was in the bathroom. I ran home, hoping to speak with Alice. When I arrived, she was waiting for me on the front porch, just as Edward had been the other night.
"How convenient." I teased.
"Hey, it's called time efficiency. You have a busy day ahead." She said, smiling and simmering with excitement.
"Alice, have you seen anything unusual with Bella? Her dream didn't make much sense."
"I couldn't find any correlation between what she told you about her dream and her future. I'm going to keep an eye on it though." She tapped her fingertips on the wooden railing of the porch, I could feel her frustration and knew that she also wanted to protect Bella.
"Thanks, I appreciate you helping me with all of this." I sighed and shoved my hands into my pockets.
"Of course! Now, about your date." There was a sparkle in her eye, but it felt mischievous. "I already set an outfit out for you, it's on your bed."
"So, I'm not going to freak out, lose control and put Bella in danger?"
"It's not an impossibility, but it's slim. Just trust yourself and rely on Bella to help you get through it. Don't lose sight of why you're there and just have a good time." She grinned and turned to head into the house before quickly spinning back around on her heels. "Oh! And take her to the Fairmount Restaurant. I foresee the least amount of issues for you there over the other diners in Port Angeles. It has the perfect, classic, greasy-spoon vibe. Tell Bella to get the Omelet." She floated off into the house humming a tune. I rolled my eyes, not really understanding why Bella would take advice from us about what to eat.
I sighed and bolted for my room to see what Alice had picked out. The clothing was similar to what I'd wear most days, but she'd picked out a navy blue button down for me. It wasn't a color I normally wore, but it looked nice. I slid on the garments and picked my old clothes up off of the floor. I caught a faint whiff of Bella's scent on the shirt I'd been wearing. I thought back to our kiss and smiled, remembering it in full detail. I brought the soft material up to my nose and inhaled deeply. Her scent relaxed me, my cold dead body almost felt warm for a moment.
Then it hit me and suddenly I panicked, the warm feeling was immediately replaced by that of ice in my veins. I realized that if I could smell her scent on the shirt, that meant that Edward would also be able to pick it up if he came near it. I wasn't going to take the chance. I carefully took the clothes, set them in my shower and grabbed a bottle of bleach from underneath the sink in my bathroom. I was nearly shaking as I dumped the whole bottle over the pile of clothes to mask Bella's scent. What if I had came in contact with Edward before I'd changed? I realized that every time I'd been close enough to Bella to leave her scent on me, I hadn't been in contact with Edward until after I'd showered. That didn't take care of the fact that her scent was probably still all over my clothes in the hamper. I took the contents of the basket and tossed them on top of the bleach soaked clothes in my shower. Then I ran to Rose and Emmett's room, zipping right by them and straight into their bathroom.
"Excuse me! Emmett, do something!" I heard Rose yell as I grabbed a bottle of bleach from under their counter. Esme made us scrub everything in our bathrooms down once a month, we all had identical bottles.
"Um, bro?" Emmett asked warily, I could feel his confusion but it was nothing compared to Rosalie's irritation.
"Sorry, can't talk." I said, barely managing a full sentence as I desperately ran back to my room. I skidded into the bathroom and dumped the second bottle of bleach over the pile in my shower, saturating every article of clothing I'd worn this week. My panic began to dissipate as I watched the colors fade from the fabric.
"What the hell are you doing? The whole house smells like bleach!" Emmett said, walking into my bathroom with crossed arms. He wasn't mad, just genuinely curious and a little concerned.
"I realized I had Bella's scent on my clothes from last night. I didn't want Edward coming in contact with them."
"Couldn't you have just thrown them in the washing machine?" He raised an eyebrow and let out a chuckle. Alice was suddenly in front of me, her annoyance blanketing the room.
"No, no, no! You already ruined the outfit I picked out? I just bought that shirt in Seattle! Look at you, you're covered in bleach splatters and now you reek! I stopped watching you for two seconds!" Her eyebrows pushed together and she let out a huff of air, I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"Shit, I need to shower and change before Bella wakes up." I said, reaching for my phone to check the time. It was almost 8:00 am.
"Go use our shower Jazz and I'll lay something else out for you to wear. Emmett and I will clean this up, Bella's gonna call around 9:00 am." I felt Emmett's irritation as he glared at Alice, but it passed quickly and he slumped his shoulders in defeat.
"I'll go get the trash bags." He said with a sigh, disappearing from the room. I grabbed a towel and headed to Edward and Alice's room. It was empty, I could hear Edward playing piano softly from downstairs. I tried to relax as the hot water rolled over my skin. By the time I got out and went back to my room, the clothes were already laid out and the mess in my bathroom was gone. I got dressed and opened the windows in my room to aid the fumes in escaping. My nostrils burned with each inhale, but I couldn't pick up Bella's scent anywhere in my room. I grinned, realizing I may have went a bit overboard, but at least it worked. The phone in my pocket buzzed at exactly 9:00 am. I smiled when I saw it was Bella, and that she was calling me from the cellphone.
"Good morning, beautiful."
"Good morning, I just got done eating breakfast and taking a shower. You can come over whenever you're ready." she said in a cheerful tone.
"I'll be there in five." I closed my phone, ran downstairs and out the door to Bella's, thankful for the clouds covering the sky. When I got to the treeline at the edge of her backyard, I looked around to make sure the coast was clear before walking up to the back door. I knocked and was greeted with a warm smile as she stepped aside to let me in. Once the door was closed behind us, I wrapped Bella in my arms and kissed the top of her head.
"I missed you." She mumbled into my shoulder. I chuckled.
"I missed you too Bella. Do you want to go to Port Angeles now, or should we wait until a little closer to lunch?"
"Um, I don't know what else is there to do out there?"
"Well the town is right off the beach. We could go for a walk before lunch. What did you tell your father?"
"That I was dying to get out of the house and was going to Port Angeles to check out a few book stores. He wasn't thrilled about me going by myself but I convinced him I'd be fine. That reminds me, I have to call and check in sometime this afternoon."
"Okay, well, do you want to find a book store while we're there?"
"Yeah, I think that could be fun!"
"Okay then, let's hit the road so we can get you back in time. Do you mind driving?"
"No, I don't mind. You didn't bring your truck?" she asked, putting on her coat while I grabbed her keys and purse from the coffee table. The purse was small and more for functionality than fashion, just like Bella's wardrobe. I liked that about her. She looked delectable in anything, even sweat pants. Today she had on jeans, a t-shirt, and what appeared to be one of her father's flannel shirts. Her hair was pulled back in a loose pony tail, the throbbing vein of her neck teasing the predator within.
"No, it's quicker to run and I don't want to leave your scent anywhere that Edward could accidentally pick it up." I thought back to my bleach soaking rampage this morning. "Plus, I've been dying to ride in yours." I told her as she locked the door.
"You really like it?" Her face was skeptical as we walked to the truck.
"I love a good classic. I've had mine since it came out, I just keep having Rose fix it up for me."
"Rose? Your blonde sister? She fixes cars?" I could feel that she was impressed.
"Better than anyone I know." I told her as the trucks engine roared to life. Bella looked a little embarrassed by the sound. I told her where to go as I fiddled with the radio trying to find something suitable to listen to. I stopped when I heard banjo and the car filled with Bluegrass music. Bella gave me an amused smirk.
"Is this what you always listen to?"
"I don't even think I know this song, I just like this style of music, it reminds me of my childhood. My father played the fiddle and the harmonica."
"So where were you born?"
"Houston, Texas. 1844." She sat there for a moment thinking.
"So, you were alive during the Civil War? What was that like?" I felt myself body stiffen. I didn't know if I was ready to get into my past, but I knew it was going to be something we needed to talk about.
"Bella, I was a soldier in the Civil War, a Major actually." I told her, hesitantly. This wasn't something that I was proud of today. I felt Bella's initial shock from the statement begin to morph and warp into emotions that I could tell weren't going to lead the conversation in a positive direction.
"Please tell me that you somehow snuck off and ended up fighting for the North . . ." She trailed off.
"I'm afraid not." I let out a sigh. I stared out the window of the truck feeling a guilt that was familiar, deep rooted, and one that I fully deserved to carry with me for all of eternity.
"So . . . You're a racist?" She asked with a bit of an edge, I felt her anger and disappointment growing.
"Bella, pull over please." I could tell she was upset and I didn't want this conversation to distract from her driving. She pulled her truck off on the side of the road and turned off the ignition, looking at me with tear filled eyes.
"I was sixteen, fighting for my country had been ingrained into my brain since I was a child. My favorite toy growing up was a wooden soldier that my father had brought me back from town for one of my birthdays. I always wanted to grow up and join the military. My family didn't own slaves, but some how I'd got it in my head that fighting in the war would make me a real man. It felt like it was my duty, I didn't care what I was fighting for, I just knew that I had a lot of fight in me. I wanted to be the best. I persuaded them to let me join early, climbed ranks quickly, and died before the war ended. But to answer your question, yes, I was racist and I was ignorant. I will never forgive myself, and I won't make excuses. I've spent a lot of time educating myself and donating to charities that support black rights."
"So you think that reading a few books and donating a small percent of your family's immense wealth makes it okay?" I saw a tear fall down her cheek as she stared ahead.
"No, It'll never be okay. I'm not okay with that aspect of myself, but it's not who I am today. I will spend the rest of my life feeling guilt over my past choices and striving to be better. Had I died for good the day I was bitten, I'd have died just another racist piece of shit on the wrong side of the war. Instead, I was given a second chance, the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow into a better person. If you don't see it that way, then I don't blame you and I'll understand."
"I understand, but I don't like it." she wiped her face with her sleeve and sniffled.
"That's fair. There may be a lot of things that you don't like about my past, but I can't change any of it now. What I can do, is do my best to prove to you that a person can change a lot in 142 years time. I do not carry any hate in my heart, only regret." I told her. She sighed and started her truck back up, before looking into my eyes. I felt her internal conflict as she studied my face. Her emotions went from dismal, to acceptance, to guilt.
"I'm sorry for getting so upset, but it's going to take some time to wrap my head around. I do want to believe you're not the same person, you've had multiple lifetimes to change, that's just a tough one to swallow. You fought and killed to protect the right to own slaves, people are still suffering from the consequences of your actions."
"I know that Bella and I'm truly sorry. I will repent those deplorable actions for my eternal life. Do you want to go home?"
"No." She said quietly.
"Are you sure? It's okay, I won't blame you."
"No, Jasper, let's just get back on the road. If I'm going to be with you, I'm going to have to accept that you've been alive for a long time and that I'm not always going to like things about your past. I may even hate some of them, but I'm going to judge you based on the person in front of me. It's a part of you and I've already decided that I want the good, the bad, and the horrendous." She rubbed her eyes for a moment before pulling back onto the road and heading towards Port Angeles. We rode in silence for a while. There was nothing I could say, it was horrible. Part of me wished that she had decided to go home, I felt like the afternoon was going to be strained and awkward now that I'd told Bella about my human past. I was thankful when she broke the silence.
"I'm sorry Jasper. I feel like I ruined our day together. You told me your past was hard for you to talk about and I brought it up on the way to our date." She rolled her eyes and let out a huff of air. Her emotions were still conflicted but I could feel the growing seed of her love despite it, though I was sure I didn't deserve it.
"Bella, don't apologize. You deserve to know, it wouldn't be fair for me to only share the positive things about myself. If you want to be with me, I want it to be because you know everything and still decide that I'm worthy of your time, not because I tricked you into believing I'm a saint."
"Well, I appreciate you not lying or keeping it from me." She reached over and grabbed my hand. If my heart could beat, it would have jumped out of my chest. I did not deserve this perfect human. I pulled her hand up to my lips and kissed it gently. I looked over and realized she was driving with her burned and bandaged hand, only using about three fingers. She was using her good hand to hold mine, I rolled my eyes.
"Bella, do you mind if I drive home? I'm going to let go of your hand so you can focus" she sighed and brought her right hand back up to the wheel.
"I suppose that's fine. It really isn't that comfortable, if I'm being honest." She chuckled. We saw the sign welcoming us to Port Angeles and I directed Bella to the restaurant. My nerves picked up as we pulled into the parking lot of The Fairmount.
**A/N I really hope I did this chapter justice. There are things about Jasper's past that a lot of us wish Stephanie would have left out, so I tried to do the best I could with the available material. This was always my plan from the beginning when we got here, I didn't want to gloss over this. I truly hope that I do not offend anyone and If I did, please feel free to message me, I'd like to learn what I could do better! ** PS. Keep in mind that there was never going to be a convenient time for them to discuss this. Sometimes it's important to be realistic about their relationship, it's been a lot of heart eyes and sparks between them... but this isn't a perfect fairy tale. We're dealing with a vampire human relationship, obstacles arise.**