47: Life Goes On

I laid upon the sand, staring up into the blue sky. Around me, the sound of waves and… loud, obnoxious screaming resounded.

Can I please go back to Japan?

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, watching the mass of bikini blondes and shirtless macho men running by, passing a volleyball back and forth.

What am I doing here?

I was looking forward to only one thing every day: my call with Setsuna and the girls.

It has been a little less than a year since I came back home, and now it was March. Here in California, it was already getting quite hot at this time of year, so the beach was crowded. Not that I cared, because there was no one here that I cared about.

I began to walk back to my dorm room, which was within walking distance from the beach. I guess a lot of people would be jealous that I could go to a university that was next to the ocean. I couldn't bring myself to appreciate that, though. Because I didn't feel like I was in college. I was still trapped, on the other side of the ocean. Trapped in the past, when I would spend every day, every moment with the girls I loved, living out what seemed like a dream. And now, here I was, my feet sifting through the sand, thousands upon thousands of miles away.

Upon entering my dorm room, I hit the shower. At least my roommates, Kevin and Brian, weren't back. I mean, they were nice people. I just couldn't get close to them. We just didn't click.

Don't call me a cynic. I really do want to make new friends. I tried. But like I feared, college just wasn't the same.

I tried talking to some people at orientation, some people in my classes. I even joined some clubs. But whatever I did, I couldn't make a real friend. Not like what I had back then.

Sure, they were kind.

"Oh, hey! What classes are you taking? What's your major? What are your hobbies?"

I know, every friendship starts out superficial. But I just couldn't go deeper than that.

I'd see these people, maybe hang out with them once, and they'd go on their way. After all, they already had their own friends. What was I to them? Nothing. I think… to really make a friend, you need to share something that's dear to you. Not just a club, where people of the same hobbies get together. But a family, where everyone shares in their dreams, their disappointments, and lives as one. That's what I had. That's what I yearn for. That's my dream.

One day, I'll go back.

Ahh, whatever.

After changing, I decided to head over to In-N-Out for dinner. As I munched on my Double-Double, I pulled out my laptop with excitement. Finally!

"Heya, Setsuna-chan!" I said excitedly, eliciting a few stares from the couple next to me, who were busy staring at their MacBooks. "How's it going!?"

"Derrick-senpai!" Setsuna's cute face popped up on my screen. It was Saturday morning over there, and she was dressed in a sweet blue one-piece dress, sitting at a bench. "Long time no see!"

We haven't called each other in precisely two days.

"Long time no see! Oh, are you at the mall!?" I recognized the background as that mall we always went to. It made me nostalgic just looking at it through the screen, and the sounds of chatter and birds chirping made it all the worse.

"Yep! Just going shopping with Yu and Ayumu today. They're off somewhere right now…" Setsuna smiled and looked through her camera lens. "Are you eating that In-N-Out again?"

"Mm-hmm! Here, I'll feed you a bite! Ahhh!" I held out my burger to my camera, and she pretended to bite it.

"Nom! Mmmmm! Delicious!" Setsuna squealed. The couple next to me cast another strange glance over.

"Haha!" I laughed. "You haven't even tried it before!"

"Don't worry!" Setsuna assured, a broad grin on her face. "I'll come over sometime, and I'll try it! But don't eat too much, okay? It's not good for you!"

"Okay, okay. So how's practice going? It's almost… time for Love Live."

"It's going great! You better tune in to the live stream and watch us win! It's in only a week…I'm so nervous…"

"Don't worry, you'll be fine!"

"Mm! It'll be just fine." Setsuna bit her lips, holding back her worries. "Anyway, have you found new friends yet? Where's your new girlfriend?"

"What are you talking about?!" I questioned. "What girlfriend!? There's no one I love except you!"

"Hey…" Setsuna blushed, and put her phone down for a second so I couldn't see her face. "...but I'm not your girlfriend anymore."

"For now! But one day, we'll be reunited. I believe it. Then we'll be together again."

"...You're right." Setsuna lifted up her phone again. "We'll be together again. I love you, senpai." She looked a little sad.

Just then, Ayumu and Yu barged into the screen.

"Ayyyyyyy, Derrick-senpai!" Yu shouted.

"Hi Derrick!" Ayumu waved into the camera.

"Heyyyyy Ayumu, Yu-chan!" I said jovially, waving. "You two having fun!?"

"Yep! But wow, you sure seem like you're living the life, senpai! Eating burgers, going to the beach… a bunch of girls way hotter than us…" Ayumu smiled and put down her shopping bags.

"I know, right!? When are you going to introduce your new babe? That you acquired with your manly skills?!" Yu interjected.

"I already said, I don't have one!"

"Come on, we know you! You don't have to hide it, playboy!"

"No, really. I'm not into anyone other than Setsuna-chan!"

Setsuna giggled and shook her head.

"Oh, Derrick! You never change, don't ya!?"

As I was chatting away, a certain someone suddenly appeared by my side.

"Yooooo! Derrick! What a coincidence seeing you here!" I looked up to see a blonde girl come over, plopping down her red Jansport backpack beside me.

"U-uh, hi," I replied, scooting over awkwardly. It's that girl from my English class again…

"Watcha doing?! Ohhh, you're calling your friends!? I'm so sorry!" The girl was about to leave, but the dumbfounded Yu, Ayumu and Setsuna all called out to her, blasting my earbuds.

"No, please stay! Who are you!?" Realizing the girl couldn't hear, they demanded that I hand her an earbud. Reluctantly, I agreed.

"Hello madam! Are you Derrick's partner!?" Yu said in overly formal English.

"Yu-chan! Stop-"

"Oh! Haha, not right now, no!" the girl replied. "The name's Martha. I'm Derrick's friend in English class!"

"See!? You are a playboy!" Yu shouted.

"You don't have to be embarrassed, senpai," Ayumu said.

"No, I really don't know her! We're just classmates, and-"

"Stop, Derrick! You're being so rude to Martha right now!" Setsuna scolded. "There's nothing wrong with talking to other girls. You're not cheating on anyone, you know…"

Martha laughed.

"You guys are so funny! I never knew Derrick was this energetic! You know, he always sits by himself in class, so it's fun to chat with him. But I guess he only opens up to his close friends!" Martha slapped me on the back. "You're pretty popular! Where are you guys from?" she asked, addressing my friends.

"Japan! Derrick studied abroad here for a year! He was part of our school idol club!" Setsuna explained energetically.

"Ohh, that's so cool! Do you like anime? You should join my club!" Martha said to me.

"Wow! Derrick, you should! See, you can make friends now!" Ayumu suggested.

"You'll really find your place there," Martha said. "Don't worry!"

And thus, we chatted about anime, idols, and my adventures in Japan all night long.

I mean, I guess making new friends wasn't all that bad.

But still, I wondered if Setsuna really still thought the same way about me.

What would she think if, actually, I got a girlfriend?

I don't want to lose her. It would be a total betrayal if I got with anyone else. If only I could find a way to live in Japan, quickly. But was it possible?

Should I keep on hoping, or just accept reality? Should I just settle down with what I have?

Realistically speaking, there isn't much reason for me to go back. I'd think my job opportunities would be better here. Right? And I'd have to deal with visas and citizenship… Is it really possible?

Whatever. I'll just stick to what I have now. I'll keep holding on.

A week passed. Today was the day. The day we had been waiting for. Love Live. This time, we would win. Finally, Setsuna's dream would come true.

I rolled around on my bed, heart thumping. I kept on refreshing the page where the live stream would be hosted, silently praying for Setsuna and the other girls. They have to win. There's no other choice.

"Hey, Derrick! Wanna come with me to the gym today?" Kevin, one of my roommates, asked, toting his sports bag and water jug. He had short hair and large muscles, wearing a tank top.

"Sorry, I have something to do today…" I declined. I felt kind of bad about declining all the time, but…I really didn't think going to the gym was my thing...

"Alright, that's fine," he replied, leaving.

"Oh, hey Derrick," Brian said, coming after him. He was my other roommate. "Wanna come to the protest with me today!?"

"Uhh, no thanks," I replied.

"Really? Ah, fine…" Brain turned and left.

Finally, they're gone! Okay! I locked the door and got back on my laptop.

The stream had begun, and I could see the massive crowd filling the dome.

As the groups performed, my heart began to race.

Even though I was across the ocean, looking at a screen, I could feel the tension in the air.

Because this was what Setsuna had been working for for the past whole year. There was no way she could lose again.

For this entire past year, she had been practicing every day.

Now, it was time for her to redeem herself.

Before I knew it, the Nijisaki School Idol Club was on the stage.

I saw Setsuna, nervous yet confident, flanked by Ayumu, Yu, Kasumi, Ai, Rina, and Shizuku, as well as a few other girls that I had not seen before.

"GO NIJISAKI!" I screamed, even though no one could hear me.

I had never wished for something so hard. It was as if Setsuna's happiness was even more important than mine.

"Hey everybody!" Setsuna took the microphone, her voice strong and powerful. I knew she was nervous, but she had prepared for this. She was ready. "We're the Nijisaki School Idol Club, and today, we'll be performing a song to make you smile!"

The music began to play.

Setsuna. You got this.

"It's fine, Setsuna! It's fine! D-don't cry!" I shouted, while wiping my own eyes.

"WHY!? WHY!?" Setsuna shrieked in pain, her voice over the phone, her crying voice that was filled with all the despair in her heart.

"Third place is still good, Setsuna-chan! It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you! I still love you, Setsuna! Don't sweat it!"

"IT'S NOT OKAY, ALRIGHT!? I- I PREPARED SO LONG FOR THIS… SO LONG! AND- AND THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE! MY LAST CHANCE! I'LL- NEVER- MAKE MY DREAM COME TRUE!"

"Oh, Setsuna!" I kept on crying and crying.

I had thought… after all this time… there was no way she could lose.

But… third place?

"Setsuna, listen to me!" I said firmly. "I know. It hurts. But there are still many opportunities in the future, different opportunities! It doesn't have to be Love Live! You're so talented, beautiful, and-"

"It's fine, Derrick." Setsuna sniffed. "It's fine."

Suddenly, my heart began to sink.

"Setsuna… don't say that. You'll just stand back up again. Try again! Never give up, right!?" I said in a panic.

"You don't need to pity me, Derrick… it's fine. I'm… I'm done. I don't think this is the path for me anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst… I- I was so confident in our abilities… turns out, it was all for nothing. All that hope of the past year, all those late nights practicing, EVERYTHING WAS FOR NOTHING! I- I'm really useless. I'm all talk…"

Is this how it all ends?!

"Setsuna. We've gone through this disappointment once, we can get through it again. It's not the end of the world." My heart beat in pain. "Setsuna…" She kept on crying. And crying. "Setsuna-chan, let me see your face…"

"S-sorry…" Setsuna's voice was shaky and timid. "I'm sorry, Derrick. I couldn't keep my promise."

"It's alright! Please, Setsuna. I'll do anything to make you smile again!"

"Don't bother anymore, Derrick. I guess I just have to move on. We were so optimistic back then, eh?" Setsuna chuckled sarcastically. "I guess not all dreams come true."

"Setsuna-"

She hung up, and I was left in the dark, tears pouring from my eyes.

What was left? I had lived my entire past year for this moment. Setsuna had been too. And now, everything amounted to nothing.

What was left?

You know what they say.

We all have to grow up someday.

For some reason, after that day, we began to talk less and less.

I know, our relationship shouldn't have been affected. In fact, I tried to talk to her even more. I tried to comfort her.

But things just didn't work out.

It was as if it was not only the failure at Love Live that caused us to drift apart.

Was it? It didn't matter. Maybe it was because we were all growing up.

Maybe it was because we were waking up to reality, the reality that we couldn't just be whatever we wanted to be, we couldn't love whoever we wanted to love.

Because there are so many other things in life that force us to become just like everyone else, with their jaded hearts.

I know, it's sad.

But what could I do about it?

I had spent all this time, counting my whole future on an unrealistic dream. Both of us had. Becoming a world famous idol? Flying across the world to build a new life from scratch? These delusions of grandeur kept swirling within our heads, clouding our visions from reality.

And so, that was how it ended.

We had to look forward to tomorrow.

We couldn't dream forever.

One day, we had to wake up.

And realize that life goes on.