A/N: So this is a Dair fic I posted on tumblr a while ago and I thought it was worth putting it on here. It's not the best Dair fic at all, and there's a lot of good work out there but hopefully this isn't so bad. To clarify on the timeline for this fic, it's post season 5 finale with Chuck and Blair engaged and Dan having written all the exposes. I wrote this when season 6 was airing and was deeply frustrated, and continue to be, by the manner in which they dismantled and relegated the Dair friendship, and also the portrayal of an excessively bitter new Dan. So, this was a fic written to address those issues.
Reviews are much appreciated!
/
She spots him slouching by the railings, a glass of scotch in hand, separate from the crowds.
Why does he try so hard? she thinks, why does he try so hard to be superior? And in a minute she's fuming because all she can think of is how silly all this might seem to him, this engagement to Chuck. She turns her eyes away but his presence is still bearing down on her and she's wondering why he has even bothered to come, even though she invited him. He hates me, she thinks, so why? She can't help it, her head swings round to face him again and there he is standing, unmoved.
He sees her now and gives her a small smile which only infuriates her even more. He's so smug she thinks but she misses the loneliness that haunts his eyes and the sadness which lingers on his lips. It pains him, rips his heart to pieces to lose her to Chuck but this void that has set in between them, only hurts him more. Perhaps he should have never come, perhaps he should leave now but he would rather make amends so instead he stays at his spot and keeps smiling. She keeps watching him, eyes glued, her anger burning and feelings tumbling in array. So, she does what she's been denying since she saw him and marches up to him.
"Humphrey, what are you doing here?" She had meant the words to come out strong and demanding but all she hears is a shrill nervous voice.
"I…" he stutters and stumbles because for some reason she still has this effect on him, "I wanted to say congratulations."
"You did?"
"Yes," he replies with the kindest yet saddest of smiles. "Blair, I'm sorry for some of the stuff that I've said or rather, written in these past few months and I'm sorry that we haven't been friends. I miss you, I miss my friend and I get it now…you love Chuck and that's how it is, it always will be."
"Dan, that's not how…"she realises she's about to correct what he said about Chuck and she doesn't quite know why because she's going to be marrying the man. Instead she shakes her head and continues, "I'm sorry too, for so much…for everything." For a while their eyes rest on each other sharing in the comfort of their apologies because the distance that had been pressing down on them, for God knows how long, is finally being lifted. So Blair, filled with courage yet trepidation, utters ever so quietly, "I hear there's a new Degas exhibition at the Met, I was thinking about going next Saturday."
"Funny you should say that - so was I."
He's been sitting there at that spot for half an hour, maybe bordering on a full hour now - for so long that he's lost track. It's pathetic, he decides, this sitting here waiting for her to turn up but he can't go because to do so would be to give up all hope that she might care and that is an alternative too painful.
"Humphrey!" he hears the voice cry out and breathes a sigh of relief; saved from drowning in his sorrows.
"Bit late, Waldorf?" He speaks with nonchalance, but Blair hears the hurt lingering underneath his breezy remark. That's all she seems capable of doing, to hurt and hurt and hurt. She wants to apologise, she wants to make it better, she wants to do so much yet everything around her is crumbling. Running Waldorf Designs has become a chore rather than the dream she had hoped it would be; things with Serena were better but still awkward; and Chuck, well Chuck was fine but Chuck ought to be fantastic, didn't he?
"Oh God, I'm so sorry Dan," she pleads as suddenly everything comes over her. "There was a crisis at Waldorf Designs and then I was late to my appointment with the caterers and the appointment itself ran over and, I'm so sorry Dan."
"It's ok, Blair," he reassures her with the easiest of smiles on his face and it is ok because she's still here, she didn't cancel or worse still, she didn't stand him up. She's here so she must care, he tells himself. And even if she doesn't, he can't bear to be angry anymore. Anger and spite have broken him down these past few months and hasn't made him feel any better but worse. He watches the girl in front of him, who's bordering on hysterics and verging on tears and he knows she doesn't need anger either. She needs a friend. "I think we might be late for the exhibition, how about we just ditch it and get some coffee?"
"Dan, are you sure?"
"Yes." He smiles so sweetly at her that she can't help but smile back. Secretly she's thankful that they are going for coffee instead because as much as she appreciates art, right now she just needs to sit and talk to a friend. "And Dan, thanks for waiting."
Blair opens her mouth ready to speak but only a sigh escapes. There is so much she would like to say but to say any of it would be unfair to Dan and she has already surpassed the borders of injustice. Dan watches her, reads the tired lines on her face, hears her sigh and all it represents and he can't help it - he cares. Too much.
"Are you ok Blair?" he asks anyway. She thinks about replying, she wants to yet…yet she can't bring herself to. It's guilt which stops her, no she shamefully admits to herself, it's partly guilt but also pride; she's messed up and it's no one's fault but hers. She can't let Dan see that, see the failure which her life has become.
"I'm fine Humphrey," she replies instead.
"No you're not Blair. Usually when you're tired you tend to get frantic, obsessive and frenzied but when you're like this, barely speaking a word - you haven't even made one insult about my hair - well, when you're like this it usually means things are catastrophic."
She says nothing. Maybe he should let it go. Then for a second her façade wavers - it's all he needs.
"You can talk me. I know things aren't the way they used to be but I still want to be here for you and I am here."
His eyes peer down on her and dishonesty is wasted on him.
"How can I talk to you Dan when I spent all of last year doing just that? And here I am again, burdening you with everything."
"I don't care. We said we were going to be friends and friends talk to each other."
She laughs in spite of herself because she doesn't know what she's done to deserve him. He must think your hysterical but his eyes don't waver; they're as serious as ever. And he keeps staring and she keeps hurting and the pressure inside her builds until she relents and she lets it go because it's just so easy with him. So easy that her brain almost doesn't process it, just writes it off as a freak exemplar of human behaviour.
"You were, are, such a good friend Dan, the best I've ever had. And you didn't just stand by me through the pregnancy and the wedding and Chuck, you still believed the best in me. You thought I couldn't be awful when who are we kidding? I am an awful person."
"Blair…"
"No, I am. It's true, I spent the whole time at Constance being a bully and then at NYU and I banished Jenny and there's just so much. And it's not just that, you thought I was strong and fierce and I wanted so much to be just that: strong, fierce, a decent human being. But I failed on every count. It was horrible the way I left you and then my mom offered me Waldorf Designs. It was the easy route and I was weak and I chose it. I'm not even happy doing it, neither am I very good at it but I'm still too weak to tell my mom or even Chuck. It's just all so pathetic and that's why I couldn't tell you Dan. It's pathetic, I'm pathetic."
"It's not pathetic and I don't think you're pathetic. You expect too much from yourself Blair, and I said it before, if you could only see what I see. And If you don't want to be running Waldorf Designs then your mom will understand, she's your mom, she'll love you anyway. And Chuck will too and if he doesn't then, well, maybe…" He takes a sharp breath, wary that he might have said too much; Chuck, and Serena too, are still a grey area between them. "Blair, do what makes you happy. And if it all falls to pieces, you'll still have me."
It's only momentary but Blair finally recalls what it is to be happy because in those few minutes, after Dan's words, she's left with an overwhelming sense of solace and security.
"You should really consider writing a self-help book Humphrey rather than those trashy exposes you're so set on writing," she says in her familiar, mocking yet peculiarly endearing, manner.
"You think? 'How to be powerful woman?' by Dan Humphrey. It does have a nice ring to it."
"Also mildly offensive for a man to be telling a woman how to be powerful."
"I was going more with ironic but point taken." He smiles at her and she smiles back, both content with the way their friendship is rapidly returning to what it once was and as Blair continues to tease him, Dan can't help but ponder what else they might regain.
The door to the Loft opens with a creak and that's when she sees them: Dan and Serena sitting on the couch, talking, laughing. Panic hits Blair straight away and then comes the inexplicable jealousy. A hundred different theories are racing through her and it makes her angry that she even cares but the anger only fuels the jealousy further.
"S, what are you doing here?" she asks in a tone deceptively sweet but to Dan and Serena who know her so well, the spite is overwhelmingly audible.
"I was just giving Dan a preview of my new column for the New York Times, getting his opinion."
"Yeah, purely intellectual discussion, making some grammatical corrections, syntax and such..." Dan adds hoping to cut the tension that's so palpable but Serena shoots him such a dirty look, he decides to stop there. She's gotten used to Dan being in love with Blair, she's had to. He's always denying he isn't anymore, but she knows better and she wonders if he's ever really going to be over Blair. It doesn't matter though because she's really over him this time, moved on - to Nate after all this time - and she's happy now. Really happy, yet it still grates her to see Dan as devoted to Blair as he is when she used to have all his devotion; but that has less to do with any feelings and more to do with her ego.
"Don't worry Blair, I was just about to leave anyway." she tells Blair weakly before getting up and leaving. Blair's angry, she knows but there's nothing for her to explain. She hopes Blair will understand because she's tired of all their fights. Something between them has been permanently broken but she hopes that at least some proportion of their friendship remains in tact; it's simply too sad to think after almost over a decade of friendship, it would all fall to pieces.
Serena leaves and the tension falls by a notch but the air still hangs heavy around them.
"Blair nothing happened," Dan tells her apologetically.
"Sure Dan because that's always the story with you too," she scoffs back.
"Blair why are you being like this? I've told you, Serena's told you, there's nothing happening here. And what if something was, why does it matter?" he retorts back.
"It matters because..." Blair searches for the words but struggles to find the right ones, but all the right words are in a vault in the back of her mind submerged in a sea of denial. But she still searches until finally she tells him, "...because you slept with her within what was it, minutes, seconds, after we were broken up. Where we even broken up?!"
She's back; that broken girl, with all her feelings shattered, is staring right at him. Only this time he is pained with the knowledge that he has done the breaking.
"Blair..." he begins before she cuts him off.
"No just let me finish. I know our break-up was messy and I have a lot of blame for that but you sleeping with Serena, it really hurt me. And I don't know, seeing you with her today it just brought it all back."
"I'm sorry Blair, about the whole incident. I shouldn't have done it, I know that now but it never meant anything. It was a mistake in every sense; it hurt you, it hurt Serena. But I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry."
"I know you are, I just had to say it out loud," she tells him with a weak smile.
"There's nothing happening anymore, you know. We're friends and she's going to be in my life in some form but Serena and I, that couple you remember from high school, we're done for good. We've been done a long time, we just both finally realise that. And she's with Nate now, they are more than happy together...so are we ok?"
She takes one look at those soulful brown eyes of his, begging for things to be alright between them and any resentment that might have been left, fades in seconds.
"Yeah, we're ok."
"That was a really good exhibition, don't you think Humphrey?"
"Yeah, really…thought-provoking." he replies shakily. This is their fifth, sixth, maybe even seventh visit out together and then there's been all the late phone calls whilst watching old classic films; it is all so eerily familiar to how things used to be that he's beginning to forget that she's in fact engaged. "Blair, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Humphrey." she says a little unsure.
He takes a deep breath, and then nervously asks her, "Does Chuck know that you see me? That we go to the theatre and visit exhibitions and watch films?"
Her eyes cloud over and he watches her body stiffen up. Suddenly he's left in a state of utter panic as he fears their friendship - though resilient - will in that moment come undone all over again, but then there's a shift and confidence beaming on her face as she tells him, "No I haven't told Chuck yet but only because our meetings really are far too insignificant to tell him. I'm afraid you think a little too highly of yourself Humphrey."
Friendship still in tact but he winces as he hears her call them 'insignificant'. Why can she still hurt me so easily? A silence falls over them and Blair sees the hurt lingering behind those hunched up shoulders.
"Besides," she adds in a far more earnest and certainly more honest tone, "there are more pressing concerns which I need to tell him."
"Wait, what do you mean by that Blair?" he asks her immediately.
Hesitantly she begins, "I told my mother yesterday I don't want to run Waldorf Designs anymore."
"You did? Blair that's great." he tells her with genuine pride for her decision because somehow it always felt wrong to him that Blair who was so impeccably capable would settle for running a company simply passed on to her. "It is great, right? What did she say?"
"Yes it is great, and my mother was…really supportive about it. There's some legal work to get done but in a few weeks time I really will be free of the job, so yeah it's really good."
"But then why don't you look happy about it Blair?" he asks noting the frown which still remains on her face.
"I am happy," she reassures him and she really is yet as always, some complication remains. "Its just I haven't told Chuck yet and I have no idea how he'll react."
"Blair, Chuck loves you and he'll understand that this is the right decision for you. He has to." He stops her for a second to give her that look that's meant to tell her she should just trust him because he knows what he's saying and more than often he does know but not this time. He doesn't know how madly Chuck can fall into business, that delirious obsession which takes over which is almost as great as the passion that consumes their relationship. She really wonders whether he would understand when all he has ever felt for his own company is an obsessive adoration but for now she puts Chuck aside and focuses on the easiness of being with Dan.
"I think we should celebrate my new found independence."
"We should?" he asks surprised and also a little worried - though quietly excited - at the prospect of getting wasted with Blair.
"Yes, a bottle of Dom, a few Audrey films. The occasion really calls for it."
He smiles in spite of himself; not quite what he was thinking but watching films together had a bond of its own.
She can feel the soft woollen fabric of his shirt brush against her skin; it's soft, it's nice, this proximity. There is something ever so familiar and consequently comforting to be sitting here on Dan's worn out couch with the smell of pizza and the dim glow of his antique lamp. They're sitting close together, so close that she make out the steady rhythm of his breathing, and as her eyes turn slightly she catches an easy smile lingering and she can't help but light up to.
There's a knock on the door and suddenly anxiety kicks in; somehow, this blissful happiness seems under threat. Dan gets up undeterred, confidently walking to the door and his confidence reassures her, even if it's fleeting. She gets up, feeling flighty and pensively follows after him. Then the door opens and from behind Dan, she can just about make out the frame of the man she's about to marry and as she does, her heart sinks.
"Hello, Humphrey." Chuck says before pushing past him to enter the loft. "Hello Blair. I didn't realise that society meeting you had tonight was in Brooklyn, or that it involved Humphrey here. He's barely high society."
Blair groans inwardly, fearing the confrontation which she knows is inevitable.
"Chuck, can we please not do this? Not now?"
"There's nothing happening here Chuck, perfectly friendly, just friendly." Dan quips in.
"Nothing happening? How dare you say that Humphrey?" he roars back at him and Dan's about to reply back except he catches Blair's pleading eyes, begging him to let it go.
"Chuck, it's not his fault." Blair says quietly.
A look of disgust and spite fills his face as his attentions fall to Blair instead.
"No it's not. It's your fault. I just wasn't enough for you was I, Blair? I loved you, I let you in, when that was the most frightening thing I had ever done. And I never gave up on you, I fought and fought for you and you," and he utters it in such a nasty snarl that she flinches involuntarily, "you chose that Prince and then him - Dan Humphrey - and clearly you have chosen him again."
"No, that's not how it is. I'm still marrying you, I love you," she tells him desperately but even as she speaks the words, she doesn't sound convinced.
"I always knew you could lie Waldorf but I never thought you would lie to me. Tell me, Blair, does he know you've left Waldorf Designs?" Silence screams over them and a sly smile spreads over Chuck's face. "That's right, I know you left and correct me if I'm wrong but that sounds like something you should tell your fucking fiancée over a friend."
"I didn't tell you because I thought you wouldn't understand," she says through pricking tears.
"Of course I wouldn't. You wanted to be a strong woman and now you go ahead and just leave your business when the pressure gets too much. A strong woman doesn't just give up but maybe that's it: you aren't strong."
"Chuck, that's enough." Dan says, finally speaking as he watches Blair - her eyes diverted to the floor, cowering in shame. "I think you should leave."
"Gladly." Chuck tells him. "Are you coming Blair?"
She looks up at him and tries to search for the love amidst all the spite and the cruel arrogance which is so stark. Her mind flashes back to over 4 years ago when he stood in front of her telling her he loved her and his eyes were glowing and hers were too. They were in love, she felt it, he felt it and both believed it. Now she tries to remember the last time he looked at her like that. There are flashes, she feels, when that side of him comes out again but it's too often mingled with a hazy passion which distorts everything and then, of course, there is the ever present looming shadow of Bass Industries. She hardly ever listens when he talks about work but she watches him and she sees that flicker in his eyes and it's bursting with vivacity, gleaming with adoration and she can't help but wonder whether she has been trumped by a simple company. She will never truly know what went wrong between them but something has and she can no longer bear those vicious eyes tearing away at her, filling her with shame.
So she looks him straight in the eye and tells him with all the confidence she can muster, "No."
He snorts and laughs a sadistic laugh before storming away and then in a moment, it all collapses. All the hopes and expectations that Blair had been holding on so tightly too disassembles instantaneously and she stands there quivering, fighting the tears. Dan watches on and moves closer and she can feel him nearing. She thinks he will hug her, wrap her in those masculine, comforting arms of his and she thinks how easy it would be to rest against them. Yet she will not allow herself that pleasure. She will not be weak.
"I should go," she tells him taking a step back.
"I can take you home, if you like?" he says kindly.
"No," she replies. "Thanks Dan but I need go by myself."
She gives him a faint smile and leaves hurriedly before she may find herself sobbing in Dan Humphrey's arms.
"Is that Dan Humphrey I see brooding over a certain, I don't know, Blair Waldorf maybe?"
The sound of Eric van der Woodsen's voice and moreover the mention of 'Blair Waldorf' jerks Dan up from his brooding slumber to find an intruder in his self-pitying sanctuary.
"Blair? No, God, that's old news. I am completely over Blair. And hold on, how did you even get in?"
"Spare key under the mat. I knocked but there was no reply so I let myself in."
"Right. It's nice to see you're comfortable enough to do that." Dan tells him sarcastically.
"Thank you Dan." Eric replies easily before sitting himself on a seat opposite Dan, who meanwhile has returned to his magazine. "So, how long are going to keep this charade up?"
Dan looks up once more, feigning ignorance.
"What charade? I genuinely have no idea what you are talking about."
"Dan." Eric says, continuing to stare him down. Exasperated, Dan throws his hands into the air, trying to think of another way of expressing his denial and finding nothing, returns back to his magazine. But Eric remains seated in his position with a knowing look which is confident that Dan will soon admit to the truth. Continuing to get frustrated - consciously he blames the frustrating on Eric but the subconscious knows it is over his growing inability to suppress his feelings for Blair - Dan starts impatiently tapping the hand rest of his chair. He tries concentrating on the fascinating article about Brooklyn's development in recent years but the only thing circling his mind is Blair Waldorf.
"Ok, fine," he erupts turning to Eric once again and seeing the slightly shocked look on Eric's face from his outburst, he quickly composes himself. "I am not in love with Blair but…"
"But…" Eric encourages.
"In the last few weeks, we've been spending more and more time together. As friends of course. And when you spend that much time together with someone, you just naturally, begin to care about them, as a friend. So, I thought she cared as well and that this friendship was going to be a…long-term thing or well, maybe it didn't have to be long-term - although I mean that would have been nice - but just long. Or at least I didn't think she was just going to drop it like this. She hasn't visited, or called, or texted. That's…that's just rude, you know?"
Eric has always known Dan as one of the most eloquent speakers but right now as he talks, his words are a rapid tumble, and he can't help thinking he sounds like a little schoolboy rather than the mature young writer he is. Dan, he concludes as he once did before, is certainly ass-backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf.
"And it's not just that." Dan continues. "You didn't see the way Chuck acted with her. As a friend," he repeats ensuring emphasise, "I can't help but be a little concerned. He was so rude and disrespectful and she just doesn't deserve that. Sure, she's made her mistakes, she's not perfect but no one is, right? She's not a terrible person, she's smart, she's witty, and actually quite funny if she's not being too mean. Chuck, when he sees her, I think he sees all the schemes and I think he likes that, appreciates that but she's more than that. Her intelligence runs deep, I've never seen a more perceptive mind when it comes to film and of course fashion. And then, objectively speaking, she is beautiful. She's…well, she deserves better than what Chuck gives her. She deserves someone, who's going to see all of that and want all of that, because there really is so much to her than what meets the eye."
"I bet if somebody had told you that six years ago, you wouldn't have believed that," Eric tells him kindly.
"Yeah," Dan replies smiling at the thought of how far he has come, how far they - Dan and Blair - have come. "Look, Eric, maybe I was brooding over Blair but it's not so simple as 'I love her' and that's that. It's messy and I don't know what to do."
"Well," Eric begins, a smile creeping over his face, "You might be interested to hear of a little rumour I heard from Serena - a very informed source you must agree - that the wedding has supposedly been cancelled."
"Chuck and Blair's wedding?" Dan asks stupidly, grappled by this new revelation.
"Yes, and in fact, the relationship is very much on the precipices of ending."
"Really?" Dan says dumbly again. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"I thought you didn't care." Eric tells him with teasing smile.
"I don't…it's just big news. And she might need a friend, for support, do you think she needs a friend? She does have Serena, and I guess if she really wanted to see me, she would have come to see me herself…"
"Serena did mention Blair looked a little downbeat. I don't know, might be worth it."
"You think?" Dan asks nervously.
"Yeah." Eric tells him before getting up and leaving.
Meanwhile, Dan sits in his position, still wistfully thinking about Blair.
Dan walks out of the elevator in a state of perennial anxiety. He stares at the empty foyer and contemplates leaving before he can be spotted. Perhaps, he could find Dorota first and check whether Blair would want to see him or whether he would be an unwelcome burden. He remains rooted in his position racing through the various cowardly options available to him until he hears a voice utter his name.
"Dan?" Blair says in a tone that's questioning but not necessarily unwelcoming. He takes in her appearance; a cup of tea in hand, matching clothes, lightly brushed yet neat hair, and just enough make-up to allow her natural beauty to shine through. She looks rather alright, he decides, no longer the shattered girl who had walked out of the loft.
"Hi," he says in that awkward manner of his, trying to hide his surprise from being caught off-guard as well as seeing her…so calm.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to say hi. We hadn't spoken in a while so I was in the neighbourhood, thought I should come and say hi. So, hi."
"Hi," she tells him too before a small giggle breaks out. He listens to her laugh and wonders if she's laughing at him, the way she did all those years ago when she stood on the steps of the MET pouring yoghurt over unsuspecting freshmen, but he hears that melody which makes him believe it's a kind laugh, so he laughs with her.
"How are you?" he asks suddenly because after all, that's the reason why he's here.
"I'm good." She shifts her head to an angle, holds composure before looking up to meet his eyes.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been going through some stuff, Chuck and I called the engagement off. In fact we broke up, for good." He looks at her with an expression of shock and awe - despite Eric having told him the rumour. "But I thought you already knew, isn't that why you're here?"
Is she being suggestive? He wonders but then he fears his excitement over the confirmation of their break-up is already explicit on his face, so he clears his mind of any thoughts that aren't strictly friendly.
"No, yes, well no I didn't know for sure but I heard something," he says stumbling over his words. "I just wanted to see you though, regardless."
She smiles at him; it's warm and radiant and makes it harder to deny he doesn't love her.
"What happens now?" he asks. "Are you okay about everything?"
"I'm better than I've ever been in a long while. The only thing left is, well Chuck, being Chuck, had me sign a prenup even before I had walked down the aisle. There was a clause about what happened if the engagement got called off, so there are some small legal details to take care off. And also some paperwork with Waldorf Designs."
"And after that's done?" he asks her with an expectation he knows he ought not to have.
"I'm a free woman."
The loft door creaks open and he can tell by the strutting click-clack of heels, inevitably Louboutins, that it must be Blair. He finishes typing the sentence he was in the process of writing, he places the full-stop and with a satisfied smile on his face looks up from his work.
"Blair," he greets her warmly, the smile still playing over his face but her lips do not curve upwards in the way they are so accustomed to around him. She stares at him self-consciously, before her eyes dart away, scanning the interior of the Loft. She opens her mouth as if to speak but instead her teeth bite down on her lips. "Blair?" Dan says again, confused by her nervousness.
Last week, everything with Chuck had finally been resolved. Really resolved, so that Chuck was truly behind her. They had been happy since but were they still Dan and Blair, individual entities, two proper nouns separated by a conjunction? Probably not but they liked to think so.
"Dan." she finally says. She walks over to the seat opposite him and sits down. Her eyes cast downwards to where her fingers are tapping the table. His own eyes follow and he spots the absence of a ring, a fact he already knew but nevertheless it prompts a faint smile on his face. The smile soon vanishes when she tells him, "I'm leaving New York."
His eyes widen in shock and he knows exactly what she means but stills asks her, "For a holiday?" She shakes her head yet he doesn't quite believe it. Her words are ringing in his mind but they don't feel real. He wonders if this is what it feels like to be in an accident and the adrenaline is pumping through your body to the point that you can't feel the gaping wound in your heart. "Where are you going?"
"London. I have a internship at British Vogue. I'm finally going to become a dictator of taste." She gives him a broad, uneasy smile and but when he doesn't respond to the callback, she explains in a quiet voice, "I need a new start. I never thought I would say this but I'm tired of New York. I need to go somewhere new, where the people are different and…I can be different. As long as I'm here, I don't think I can escape that sixteen year old version of me." She looks at him hopefully but when he doesn't seem to have understood she adds, half asking and half stating, "You're angry."
"No, I'm disappointed Blair," he snaps. "You're always doing this. You run. You run and you hide from the truth. About yourself, Serena, your mom, Louis and God knows how long you were in denial about Chuck. I know it's easy that way. Do you remember when we almost ran away together after your wedding? I thought if we ran away, we could forget you were married and maybe you would also forget about Louis or Chuck and just want me instead. When you're running, you forget about the ugliness you've left behind. It's why last summer I went to Italy and ignored all your calls. But the thing is, the ugliness never really goes away and you never really forget. It catches up with you. You can't outrun it so stop running Blair."
"You're right apart from one thing: I'm not running anymore. Don't you get it Dan? After all these years, all the loose ends…everything's finally tied up —"
"Not everything. We…I'm…Not everything's tied up."
"No, not everything," she repeats as well and smiles at him. He thinks it's absurd and wonders whether she understood what he meant. Then her hand moves over on to his clenched fist as she tells him, "We aren't over and I don't want us to be. Don't you see, our story's only beginning?"
"How do you expect that to be possible?" he asks through a sardonic laugh and then the silence dawns and her answer becomes obvious to him. "You can't be serious…"
"Come with me." The words leave her mouth and his hand leaves hers. She reaches for his arm but he shakes himself free, his whole body agitated with anger.
"You can't do this Blair. You can't walk in here, tell me you're leaving and then ask me to leave with you! What about my friends, my family, my fucking life? I'm not that boy anymore Blair, the one who would follow after you no matter what."
"I know. I know I have no right to ask this from you but…"
"But what Blair? Do you need me? Is that it? Do you need me like you did two years ago? But actually 'I only need him to pass the time' till something better comes along."
"You know it wasn't like that." Blair tells him, this time her voice stern. He sees the hurt in her voice and is forced to look away.
"I would have done anything for you, given anything to you. If this was two years ago, then I would have packed my bags ready to go anywhere you asked me to. I wish I could still do that but I can't. Too much has happened."
She registers his words and although she always knew she was asking too much from him, his words now make it seem all the more unfair.
"Okay. That's okay." After everything is said and done, it finishes on a word as unsubstantial as 'okay'. In a pathetic hope she informs him, "My flight is next Friday, I'm leaving in the morning."
When he doesn't reply, she takes it as a cue to leave. She makes it halfway to the door before stopping. If she leaves now, all there'll be is 'okay'. Bland, unmemorable okay. He'll remember her as the girl who always ran away, who never had the courage to stay and fight. She needs London but she also needs to tell him the truth, so that he never has to wonder and she never has to regret. Her list of regrets are already too big to add anymore.
"Dan…what I was going to say before was that.." She inhales and then finally tells him, "I love you. I loved you then and I love you now and I'll love you even if you don't come with me." She wipes her eyes, smudging her mascara but her only concern are the brown eyes looking at her intently. She waits for a response, silently begs for one but none comes. She composes herself and adds one final statement: "I'm sorry it took me so long."
The door clasps shut and there's that feeling again, of the adrenaline pumping so intensely that you can't quite feel the impact. Only this time, it's exhilarating.
Dan stares at the laptop screen in front of him. The first few paragraphs of his new novel stare back at him. Blair had suggested to write a sequel to 'Inside' but at the time he had been vehemently against it. Partly because 'Inside' reminded him of the shameful exposes which followed - at that point Blair had rightly accused him of being a coward. And then there was Dylan and Claire, who loved each other unconditionally and earnestly. Dylan and Claire who lived happily ever after. To write a sequel was to risk unravelling those perfectly sealed off ends and then there would be no romance left. Neither in reality nor in literature. Dylan and Claire had been his salvation, his ever so wishful salvation, when things with Blair had fallen apart.
As he rereads the paragraphs he has written, Blair's words, from 'I'm leaving' to 'I love you', play over in his mind. His cursor highlights the text on screen and his index finger hovers above the delete button. His finger flinches for a second and then he suddenly presses down firmly. In an instant all the text is gone. His fingers remain on the keyboard as he continues staring at the now blank screen. A determined smile creeps across his face and he begins to type furiously.
She stands waiting, constantly checking her phone. He didn't come to her going away party, he hasn't called her or come to see her or contacted her in any way. She thought that maybe if he was going to reject her, he would at least be more upfront. She never thought it would end like this, so empty and meandering, with minimal closure. Perhaps this was penance for how she had treated him but did he really have to be so cruel? She checked her phone again, still no message. Her fingers scroll to her contact list and she stares where it says 'Humphrey'. She thinks about calling him and demanding an answer from him. The call almost goes through and then she heard his voice.
"Blair."
He looks at her smiling and she's caught somewhere between wanting to slap him and rush over and hug him. She settles for a smile because no matter how annoyed or upset she is about his recent silence, he is standing before her right now and it means everything to her.
"Dan, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to see you," he says a little nervously. Her eyes drift and she spots a handbag and suitcase standing behind him.
"You didn't come to my going away party," she blurts out suddenly. "You didn't call, text, nothing."
His eyes sadden and he looks guilty.
"I know, I'm sorry Blair. I should have said something."
Her voice is shaky when she speaks next, "Then what are you doing here?" Her eyes once again fall to the bags by his side.
"I've spent the last few days thinking about what you said, working out some stuff. And I've been writing." He looks in the side pocket of his bag and brings out a thick wad of paper. Tentatively, he hands it to Blair who takes it suspiciously and flips haphazardly through the pages. On the front page it reads 'Inside: the sequel'.
"What is this Dan?"
"You know how you kept telling me to write a sequel to Inside, well this is it or the beginning of it." He pauses and she looks back at him with her doe eyes wide open. He thinks he can't avoid telling her any longer. "Blair, I love you." At the sound of his words, he watches a spark mingled with confused surprise enter her eyes.
"What?"
"I love you Blair," he repeats, this time with a broad a smile. "And I realised that our story, the one between Dan and Blair is so much better than the one between Dylan and Claire. Maybe it's not so perfect, it's probably quite far from perfect but that's exactly what makes it better, it's real. And that's exactly why I need to write a sequel, so that the real story can be told, with all the bad parts and the good parts."
She listens to him with her eyes shining and takes a step forward.
"So, in this story do Dan and Blair end up together?" she asks coyly.
Moving closer to her, he says, "That depends, do you still have a spare ticket to London?" He gives her the easy smile which is half teasing and she feels herself melt completely.
"Yes," she manages before he has leaned in and taken her mouth in his. Her arms effortlessly drape around his neck as he kisses her tenderly. She quickly admits to herself how much she has missed this. Their lips eventually break apart and their foreheads rest against each other.
Too overwhelmed she tells him, "I love you Dan."
"I love you too, Blair." He kisses her lightly once more. "Now let's go catch our flight."
His hand finds hers and she grips it tightly as they walk over together to the car waiting to take them to the airport.
Leaning into him, she says softly, "Thank you for giving me my fairytale Dan. It's better than anything I ever hoped for."
He smiles and kisses the side of her head.
"No, thank you."