A/N: This story has been a labor of love for me and I couldn't just let them go off into the sunset. I warn you that what is ahead is rough and gritty. I apologize for any hurt it may cause in advance. Expect every trigger that I haven't hit yet. Especially right now, I can't change the whole story so just know that death is front and center in this sequel. If you're not ready for that, come back when you are. I'm here if you need to talk. Te Prometo! A/U (and obviously I don't own Glee)
Chapter 1: Fade to Black (Metallica)
"So, what'd you think, doc?" I asked the therapist that had been a thorn in my side for the last 28 days.
"I think that you have made some amazing strides in your recovery. What do you think, Santana?"
I picked at my fingernails and wished for the millionth time that I had a nail file, but Britt had told me that I didn't need the distraction. So, my nails were ragged now and if I wasn't grossed out by the idea, I would have started biting them. Instead I've let them grow and plan to, instead scratch B's back when we finally fuck again.
My hormones were on overdrive and I had nothing by my own fingers to satisfy myself and with my nails like claws, that's been difficult.
Dr. Stone cleared her throat and I smiled at her, forgetting her question among the many thoughts swirling through my mind. After this session, I was going to be getting discharged and I had already mentally checked out.
"I think that this was a great a use of my money. I think that I can exist outside of cocaine and my dependency on outside people to validate my own strength or struggles. I know that I need to anchor myself in more tangible things and while I should be relying on people, it's quite alright to use my little nugget to sustain me during this time of transition."
"You sound like you're just parroting what I've told you right back at me."
I shrugged and crossed my arms over my chest. "And? You had some really good points and I have chosen to agree with you. Is that so wrong?"
"Not if you genuinely mean it, no."
"Well I do. My first time around, I came here just so that Britt would allow me to see my son. I came here because I felt guilty for all that I had done...for nearly...you know, killing him. Now, I feel differently. I would slay fucking dragons for my children, I'd give them my life, my organs, and every cent of my money to see them happy."
"And?"
"And I've learned that I have to take care of myself. Put on my own mask before putting on his, so to speak."
"Precisely, you cannot help your kids if you don't continue to help yourself."
The timer on her watch went off and I dropped my hands back into my lap, feeling the heaviness that had been over me, lifting.
This time I'd be different.
It was well past time to be a better person, inside and out.
When I walked out from the rehab center, Britt stood there with a dopey smile on her face and a bouquet of red roses.
"Hey."I said.
"Hey." Her voice sounded hoarse, but she kept smiling.
I leaned up into her lips and could taste the saltiness of dried up tears on her lips.
"You okay, baby?"
"Yeah, I'm just really happy to see you."
I nodded, not sure if I believed her but trying my best not to default to the negative.
"Where's Isaac?" I asked, and she stared at me for a long moment and then cleared her throat.
"He's at home with Quinn, are you hungry at all?"
"I could eat."
"Good, how about We Lime?"
"Sounds perfect."
I sniffed the flowers as I held tight to Britt's hand, trying my best to just take things a moment at a time.
When we were in the car, she seemed to cheer up almost immediately. She turned up the stereo and danced in her seat as we made our way to West Lima.
Maybe she was just having a moment.
Maybe she WAS just happy to see me.
When we pulled up to We Lime, Britt turned to me and smiled.
She held her hand out to me and I put my hand in hers.
"Sorry about the tears, I really did miss you and I want everything to be perfect. I got overwhelmed, I'm on this new medicine and it makes me cry all the time."
"You're sure that's all?"
"Yes, Lolli."
We walked into We Lime together and there sitting in a large booth smiling at us was Quinn with her casted leg propped up on a chair. She cradled my sleeping son in her arms as she watched us come closer.
There sat Ian just across from her, his eyes searched mine once we were closer and then he stood up.
"Is it alright, can I hug you?" He asked, and I nodded.
"Of course, I'd be offended if you didn't hug me."
He sighed with relief and then wrapped me up in his arms tightly before dropping a kiss on the top of my head.
Once we were settled, with me just next to Q, trying my damndest not to wake up Isaac, Britt picked up a menu and began humming to herself.
It seemed that her tears were really just a passing storm.
Thank God because the moment I had seen them I thought of my last time leaving rehab and how she had made that day hell for me.
Lunch went smoothly and before I knew it, Britt was helping Quinn into Ian's car while I was buckling Isaac into his car seat. My son smiled up at me, I felt a restlessness settle within me the moment his eyes were on mine, I knew for a fact that I'd be riding in the backseat with him. When Britt got into the car, the sadness is in her eyes again for a flash of second before she turned towards the front and it made my skin tight.
Like an omen or something but I had to relax.
Trust.
I swallowed my panic and focused on Isaac. He was staring at me and when I spoke to him his eyes lit up.
"Hi, mi'jo, you're getting so big. I'm so excited for everything ahead of us and to give you baths, to read to you, to sing to you...Mami wants to be here for it all. I don't want to miss a thing, I'm sorry I had to go away for a while."
He smiled at me and my heart melted. Gone were my worries over Britt and what she may have been up to because frankly, I didn't really care, not when the most amazing baby in the world was looking at me like I hung the moon. Britt turned up the music and continued bopping along. I sang to the music as I brushed my thumb across Isaac's forehead until his eyes got heavy.
Just as he was falling asleep, we pulled up outside the apartment.
Britt carried the car seat and I followed anxiously, I had yet to adjust to being home and I could feel the shake in my bones.
I chalked it up to excitement and didn't think too much about it.
The apartment was immaculate and now had markings of a baby living here, it was the best improvement that could have happened.
"Do you want to put him to bed with me?" Britt asked, and I nodded, following her as she changed his diaper before settling him into the bassinet that sat on her side of the bed now. She grabbed his monitor and then I followed her out of the room.
"Where are we going?"
"Shower."
"Um...okay."
Something about the way she was acting was like before...back when I was still getting high and she was trying to butter me up and I was not a fan, but I decided to roll with it.
When I see Britt naked for the first time in a month, I'm surprised to see fading scratches on her back and I can tell by the way she washes herself with her back to me that she isn't aware they are there. When she turned to face me, her face was awash with so much emotion but now that I was so close to her, I could see that she was tired.
"How's it been, with Isaac?"
"He's the best part of my day and night. He's a night owl like you."
"And his breathing?" I traced my fingers over her hips and up her side, looking for more signs that someone else had been here with her but aside from the scratches, she was unblemished. I had to trust her, there was no other way right now. Frankie was in California and if she'd fucked with someone in Lima, it would only be so long before I found out.
"So far, so good. I have taken him to his check-ups and while Mari was here, she checked him over too. He's delayed in his growth but that's to be expected."
"And how about you, how are you doing?"
"I haven't talked to her...she...didn't return any of my calls." I nodded, smirking as I remembered the last time that I had seen Frankie.
"Oh, okay. What I mean is, how are you doing on this new medication and is there a reason they changed it?"
"It makes me tired but won't let me sleep."
"Pobrecita, how can I help?"
"Cuddles?" She asked poking out her lip and the look in her eyes for just a moment was my Brittany and I relented.
"Do you need me to take the reins for a bit and let you rest?"
She looked worried as she chewed on her lip, I used my thumb to wrestle it from between her teeth and then kissed the poor abused thing.
"That's not too much for you?"
"No, B. I want to take care of our son, nothing in this world would make me happier. So just say the word."
Only she didn't have to because the baby monitor chirped and then I heard him begin to cry. Britt's face broke apart and I knew this was my chance. "Say less, baby. Finish your shower, put the leftovers from lunch in the fridge. I'll take care of him."
"Thank you!"
I rushed out of the shower, throwing my robe on and then rushing to see what the little cutie needed.
By the time I got to him, I could smell the problem and then when I picked him up, I could see the problem.
I stripped his clothes and diaper off and tossed them in the soiled crib before turning back towards the bathroom with a poop covered baby.
Britt was humming as I pulled back the shower curtain.
"What on Earth?" She muttered.
"Poop explosion." I said, "You hold him, and I'll wash him up."
She took him, and I took off my robe before climbing back in, his washcloth and soap was thankfully in arms reach. He was smiling as I washed him up and a few times, I could see Britt smirking too. This is what it felt like to be a team and I could tell this was exactly what she needed.
"Thank you." I said to her once he was squeaky clean. Then I washed myself before grabbing a towel and wrapping him up.
"Aren't you going to get a towel for yourself?" B asked as she turned off the water.
"Nah, I want to get him settled, I'll air dry." I said, smiling up at her and not even that got my full bubbly Britt to come out. I was starting to hate whatever medicine this was, it made her so dazed and not in the silly way. This Britt just seemed downright depressed.
My son was alert now and I knew for a fact that now that I was in his sight, he wasn't going to go down easily. Britt looked like a zombie and I had two choices, let her be the one to chillax with him while I cleaned us shit or have her clean it and from the look on her face, I could tell that she had cleaned her fair share of shit already.
So, while she got dressed, I lotioned the baby and then got him into fresh jammies. Britt came in with an empty laundry basket and wearing rubber gloves, but I shook my head.
"Let me clean up the bassinet while you hang out with this little trouble maker. Just rest B, once I get this cleaned up, I'll make him a bottle and put him to bed."
"You don't have to do all that, I'm here."
I wanted to call her out on that fact because it didn't really feel like she was here, but this didn't feel like the time for that. Therapy had taught me to confront things with Britt head on and while I did that with the world, it had started to feel impossible now that I had a second stint in rehab under my belt. I didn't really feel like I had a leg to stand on.
"I know, B. I just missed him, and I want to step up my game. So, relax with him until I'm done cleaning up and then I'll take the night shift. Okay?"
"Fine." She picked him up and her demeanor brightened finally, which felt bittersweet. I wanted so badly for us to be in a good place and this sure didn't feel like it.
The rest of the night, I was on full duty and after the second wakeup Britt finally just slept right on through. She muttered something about him going to sleep for me much easier than he did for her and how she wouldn't be so tired if I had been here and I was absolutely fucking sure that these meds could not travel with us to New York because I would lose my freaking mind.
"I need a favor." I said into the phone as I made a bottle for Isaac who hadn't even woken up yet. He could not out night-owl me. Britt was snoring and drooling into my pillow, in the center of the bed and I couldn't take another second. It was still early, not even 7 but I needed to do this now.
"Santana? Is everything alright?""I don't know but I could really use some alone time with Britt and I don't want to pass Isaac off after only being with him for a few hours but this new medicine..." I trailed off and like the amazing person she was, Susan filled in the rest.
"She needs to recalibrate, I know that. I've told her that but she's very stubborn."
"Well, if just the last few hours are any indication, this has to change. This is not my Brittany. I'm worried."
"No worries, I'm going to show up there in about an hour and insist that you two go spend the day together while I spend some time with my grandson, how's that sound?"
"Like the best plan ever. Thank you, Susan."
Once Susan arrived, I felt a weight shift from my chest to my shoulders, but I could handle it. I danced around the living room with Isaac while Susan went to wake up Britt and deal with her morning grumpiness, thank God.
By the time all was said and done, we were being shoved out the door and being told to not return until the sun went down.
"What do you want to do today?"
"Spend time with you, B."
"Doing what? I know you called my mom. Am I that horrible?" She began to cry while I drove us onto the highway.
"B, no. Stop crying, please. I just...I'm concerned okay. I don't like what this medicine is doing to you and I know you don't like it either. Do you?"
"No."
"Your mom already scheduled an appointment with your doctor, but you don't have to go if you don't want to. I will support you in whatever you need, baby. I'm here now. Okay?" I was holding tight to her hand as I continued to drive us out of town. Susan had scheduled the appointment for early evening thankfully, which gave me plenty of time to just reconnect with B.
"Thank you for setting that up." She said.
"Of course, baby, always and only you...well and now Isaac too."
"And the new baby." She said and for the millionth time, I was reminded that I was indeed pregnant. Why was that so easy to forget?
"You and me, me and you, us and them." I sang to her and finally, fucking finally she let out a laugh.
Five days...that's how long it took for Britt's new medicine to finally start showing some change in her and it was drastic. Gone was the depressed person that I had seen, and back was my boo. Which was right on time because we needed to pack up our apartment and prepare to drive all the way to New York.
Quinn was going with us and while she had dumped Rachel finally, apparently the hobbit was going to be coming too.
Which I guess was fine but that meant the car was going to be packed but I didn't care because I had my Britt Britt back and when she was being this version of herself, we could conquer anything, including a long ass car ride with Rachel.
Susan and Ian saw us off, I had tried like hell to get him to come with us, but he kept insisting that he needed to say but he wouldn't tell me why. I wanted to push but Britt stopped me from cracking his nuts to get him to stop being so evasive. So maybe my temper was simmering in this pregnancy but so was my compassion and damnit, I just wanted to know what was going on with him.
Was that so terrible?
It took us two whole days to make the nine-and-a-half-hour drive because we had a three-month-old and a bickering twosome. By the time we pulled into the garage at the house, I was ready to not see Quinn or Rachel for a considerable amount of time. Quinn had finally gotten out of her cast just the day before and kept complaining about it cramping in the backseat but then she didn't want to be in the front seat, so there was that plus Rachel calling out random facts about the landmarks we passed.
If it wasn't for the smiling face of my son and the millions of kisses from Britt, I would have probably snapped at one of them.
But we got the house with one day to spare before Britt's one month long remedial math class started. She would have to take the class two times a week, once during the day and once in the evening. I hated the thought of her being out in the city alone after hours, but I had already tapped Nico to keep an eye out for her.
Then of course, he reminded me that she had been in the city before without either of us and survived just fine.
I just needed to trust.
Quinn decided to take a class at CUNY for the month and Rachel ended up begging me to stay until she could move on campus. Despite my better judgement, I gave the bickering exes my third floor knowing that it was temporary. I made Quinn swear to me that she would keep Rachel in check.
Yes, she'd had my back when I was pregnant with Isaac and I would always be grateful for it but after that road trip, I was at my wit's end.
So once again, I just had to trust.
It was temporary.
Three weeks into being in New York, we'd hit a stride. The four of us moved like a well-oiled machine for the most part and Rachel was due to move out any day now, so I wasn't pressed about her staying...even if Britt and I were sure that the thumps from upstairs at night were from the two of them fucking.
Quinn was a free agent though, Celia was giving her space to spread her wings and so I wasn't going to harass her either. I was perfectly content living in my bubble with my baby boy and my Britt Britt.
But then things fall apart like they always do.
My phone rang as I got Isaac in the bath which he hated to do if he wasn't being held, the little bathtub offended him somehow, but Britt had gotten him attached to her and he needed to be able to self soothe. So, when he seemed happy for once, I felt like it was a fine time to answer the phone.
But I was wrong, almost immediately Isaac began screaming, so I yelled into the phone. "Call me back in an hour!" Before ending the call and trying to get my son through the call as swiftly as I could. He was headed to a level 3 kind of screaming fit, which usually led to a treatment and that was so not the road I wanted to go down.
So, phone forgotten, I dried my son and then got him ready for his jammies and bottle. He wilted from his crying fit as I danced him around the room, just like Britt did when she was home. He knew the difference and would whimper until I sang to him. Halfway through songbird, he closed his eyes and I kissed his face before dancing and singing him into his nursery. I didn't stop singing until I had him settled in his crib and backed slowly out of the room.
I felt the beginning of a headache, but I couldn't focus on that, right then, I was due for a shower of my own. I had spit-up and probably poop on me somewhere and being pregnant just made the smells more intense. One hot shower later, I was feeling human again.
Hope class is going well. IMU-Lolli
IMU.-Britt Britt
I was headed downstairs for a snack when the phone buzzed in my hand, so I sat at the top of the steps just outside my son's room and answered the call from Azimio.
He was crying and then he was rushing through the story but not really saying anything and I was anxious.
"Slow down, Z! Tell me what happened..."
And then he took a breath and started again.
I sat there stone faced as I listened to one of the toughest guys I knew as he sobbed in my ear like a baby. I knew that this couldn't be good news. I knew that in my time knowing him, Azimio has never dropped a tear. My headache was getting worse, but I tried to be patient as he caught his breath. I waited an eternity for him to break my heart into a billion pieces and when it finally happened, when Z finally told me what happened, I felt like someone had punched me in the face.
Repeatedly and I was speechless.
My stomach was turning, and my head was spinning...I had to sit down.
I had to breathe.
This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening. I closed my eyes and tried to wake up from the nightmare that I knew that I was caught in. Everything was going so smoothly, too smoothly. This didn't make any fucking sense.
"Make this make sense, Z."
"I wish, I could." He said.
It was just senseless...desperate. I could feel anger and sadness at war within my own heart but that was quickly overshadowed by the uncomfortable itch underneath my skin...an itch that I hadn't felt in months. Then came the tremors that I knew all too well.
There was an itch to numb myself with cocaine and pissed me the fuck off. I swallowed back the frustration that I felt and then ran a hand over my flat stomach, right then the baby had to be my anchor. Then I began to count silently, thinking of all the things I loved.
Thinking of my son in his incubator and that whistle he had when he was born. He and this new baby were the only things keeping me from walking out the door and seeking out the first dealer that I saw. I had come a long way and I would be dedicated to my sobriety for my children because their lives were worth more than mine.
As I tried to breathe through all of this, I had forgotten that I was still clutching the phone until I heard Z breathe out in nothing louder than a whisper, "Santana, are you there? Are you okay?"
"I'm going to uhhh...I'll call you back okay?" I stuttered. I couldn't handle his tears because they reminded me that this wasn't some horrible dream.
"Okay. Call me...don't forget!"
"Z?"
"Yeah?"
"Have you told Noah?"
"No. You were my first call."
"Can you call him? I can't think right now but he'll know what to do. Tell him that...to worry. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Thanks, Z."
I remembered graduation and I just nodded without any other response.
After I hung up the phone, I just sat there at the top of the steps like a zombie. I could barely piece two thoughts together and then I saw Noah call, but I couldn't answer. There was just too much going through my mind, when you don't know the last time you see someone is the last time, it strikes through you like you've been gutted from stem to sternum. The ache that I felt as I thought of all the should have beens and could have beens in a house that only contained me and my son, was vicious.
I couldn't stop replaying things in my head, the guilt that hovered had me thinking that I could have prevented this...I was sure of it which only made me feel worse. My phone buzzed again and then chimed but I couldn't see the screen through the tears that blurred my vision.
My fault.
My fault.
How could it be anything less?
I knew consciously that I was torturing myself with the semantics and overanalyzing this which wasn't helping me deal but it was just the way my mind was working. My brain just couldn't contain it all, but I couldn't cry out, I didn't deserve the honor of sobbing because this couldn't be real and if it was, I could have done better, been better.
How had this happened? It was all wrong and I felt like on some molecular level I was being punished, that living with this pain would be my penance for all the bad that I had done.
Leave it me to think like a Catholic at a time like this! I can't even continue along that vein of thought though because the implications...ugh!
I was so fucking pissed. I just wanted some kind of warning...anything, to let me know that this was going to happen. There had to be signs that I missed but even if there were, I mean how much can you prepare for death...even when you are expecting it?
And why...why couldn't things just continue to be happy like they had been since we arrived in New York?
It had been three whole weeks since we left Lima, three blissful weeks of happiness, laughter, and memory making.
I mean I was even getting along with Rachel Berry as if we were bffs. That is how good things were in my life at that moment.
Everything was just so amazing and so happy in our lives, that we didn't stop to think about the bad stuff that had happened in the past year.
We were all learning our new surroundings and doing everything to make that house our home.
The house had come alive with Quinn moving in and Rachel staying until her dorm opened.
Plus, with her on her new meds and me focused solely on my children while she did her own school stuff. Britt and I were in an insanely good place in our marriage, we had good days and bad moments but nothing major like Frankie.
All that mushy, silly stuff that most people think is romantic was what our daily lives consisted of. I am not one for the corny stuff but seeing Britt smile and laugh was all that mattered as I humiliated myself for her enjoyment when she came home to see me looking ragged and motherly. I didn't mind it and it seemed to do something for her, so who was I to complain?
Life was good and to top it all off, Isaac was healthy.
I couldn't ask for more. I was happy, every day!
But of course,...the world, shit the whole fucking universe can only take a happy Santana G. Lopez but for so long.
I had my share of happiness and so now it was time for the madness to begin again.
Just my luck!
Rachel and Quinn had gone off on a platonic afternoon date and were going to be home soon so that we could all watch bad reality shows and have cheddar popcorn (my craving of the week), when Z called the first time, I had rushed him off the phone and told him to call me back in an hour. He must have been waiting that whole time, holding back the news as he watched the clock.
I had contributed to his suffering and that was just another thing I'd need to add to my penance.
Every week I'd been going to a meeting and going to confession. Reconnecting with my faith was important to me and I couldn't do that without being really fucking honest with the priest about who I was. He seemed to appreciate my candor.
But poor Z, he hadn't put up a fight when I told him to call back and if he did, I wouldn't have heard because Isaac had been screaming in my ear.
If I could go back in time, only an hour, I would have put off the phone call until someone else was home with me.
Maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time over analyzing everything with someone in my face but that wasn't how it happened.
Here I was at the top of the steps, in an empty house thinking the darkest and worst thoughts. I should have known that something was up because I hadn't talked to Z all summer, not since he was working and studying every chance that he got so that he could get into the state police academy right alongside of Noah.
He had kept up with me ever since that day he'd shown up at my house and then later when he found out I gave my son his middle name.
Even though he wasn't the godfather, he liked to act like one, so I was excited to finally have a free moment to talk to him...but it wasn't a social call like I had assumed it to be.
Like it should have been.
No, this call was one that I'm sure he never wanted to make and one I never wanted to receive.
I sat at the top of the steps sobbing as I kept replaying the word over and over again.
"Dead...dead...dead."
This wasn't supposed to happen. I had conquered the world it seemed and then as soon as I thought I had everything figured out the world came crashing down again. In truth I had come to expect bad things back when we were still in Lima, but the happy weeks had somehow made this kind of news that much more unbearable.
If I had still been a little numb and not so soft, then maybe when Z called with the news, I would have been able to take it standing up. I cursed my happiness and vowed to never allow myself to become that invested in my own happiness ever again.
What good came from it? I knew that I should have wanted to be happy forever but now that the world had righted its grievous error of allowing me time to smile, I wouldn't be so foolish again.
I was staring unseeing out of the stained-glass window that was above the landing of the steps. My fault, it had to be. I was rocking myself as I sat there trapped within my own head, trying to patch together the pieces of my broken soul and shattered heart.
Why had it come to this?
"San? We're back! Where are you?"
I heard Q and Rachel coming into the foyer, a floor below where I was sitting but I didn't move a muscle, they would find me soon enough. The tears had finally come down and I didn't even attempt to wipe the tears from my face, they would just be replaced with new ones, so why even try?
Even if I did want to call out to them, I wasn't sure that I could past the rock in my throat.
My fault.
I felt myself sinking into the abyss and there was no way that I could pull myself out on my own.
What I needed was B.
Of all days for her to have a night class...why today?
I sat against the wall at the top of the stairs, just stuck in my own guilt.
My face was buried against my knees as I silently wept but then I heard the heavy footfalls on the stairs and a piece of my grieving turned to rage.
How many fucking times had I told everyone in the house that they needed take their shoes off downstairs and walk gingerly? Britt had complied and Quinn, who was still healing from her broken leg couldn't really run up the steps. There was only one holdout that was constantly forgetting that shoes into the house was disgusting and her heavy fucking steps could wake up my sleeping child.
Right then, I wanted to slap her, but I knew that my anger was semi-misplaced.
Isaac's room was literally right across from the stairs and I was right to be pissed, but the rage that I felt was borderline homicidal.
There was just no explanation that made sense, I was just angry at her fucking heavy elephant footsteps and angry because my world had just crumbled and all I could think about was her waking up Isaac.
I could easily put him back to sleep...so why was I stressing?
"She's sitting at the top of the steps!" I heard Rachel say as she hovered above me. "She's uh crying, Quinn."
I shouldn't have been mad about her yelling, but I didn't she understand that there was a baby sleeping in the room just behind me?
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I heard Quinn mumble from the bottom of the steps, which told me that Puck must have texted her just like I knew that he would.
I knew that he would be worried about me throwing up my walls and he was right...I was trying to numb myself to the best of my ability and failing miserably.
When I heard Quinn making her way up the stairs, I pulled my legs up until my knees were just beneath my chin, trying to disappear.
Quinn came sprinting up the stairs but unlike Rachel, her steps were barely noticeable. I felt relief wash over me when I looked up at her. I tried to smile but the tears came even more when I saw how I felt reflected all over her face.
She pushed Rachel to the side gently and then sunk down on the floor next to me. She didn't ask for permission, she just wrapped me in her arms and rested her head against mine.
"Oh God, San...I can't...believe this is even happening! Do you know anything? Of course, you don't...Puck said you didn't." I pulled back and looked at her for a long moment before shrugging. Her eyes began to tear up and I felt a new wave of tears crest up and fall down my cheeks.
This was bad because along with the tears came a whole new set of tremors, my palms were itchy, and I resisted the urge to rub them together. I wanted Q to see me as whole and strong but my whole body was shaking with a need to numb myself with coke. My stomach rumbled loudly because I hadn't eaten since this afternoon. I had been waiting for Q to get home to eat but now with my headache and all my guilt, I couldn't eat.
My head felt like it was going to split in half from all the crying, but this was my fault.
Quinn held tight to me as I shook with needs that I had thought were behind me. This was supposed to be a different pregnancy. I had just hit my third month and was completely stress free up until the moment of Z's call.
Brittany had done everything in her power to make sure that I was happy and that I was safe and that I didn't think about snorting coke. She and Q had even taken turns going to meetings with me so that they could help me with staying on the straight and narrow.
It was a daily struggle for me in the beginning but with Britt by my side it got easier and easier. With her new meds and my new-found love of being alive and sober, we were both adapting well to a stress-free life, I hadn't dropped a single tear in weeks and now I was inconsolable.
I was trying my damndest to throw up my walls but couldn't manage it alone, not anymore. Right then all I needed was Britt. Not even Q could help me the way she used to. Nobody else could help me feel guarded and safe like Brittany and at that moment that was all that I wanted and needed.
"I need B...where the fuck is B?" I finally managed to say.
Quinn could feel my tremors and she knew that this was beyond her. So, she looked up at Rachel with a raised eyebrow, and Rachel who was still fucking hovering while Quinn sat wrapped around me and immediately whipped out her phone and began texting.
Finally, she was doing something fucking useful!
I must have been glaring at Rachel because Quinn put her hands on either side of my face and leaned close to me so that I would only look at her. In the past, she would have brushed her lips against mine, but that part of our lives was gone. Instead she pressed the tip of her nose to mine and her forehead to my forehead.
She was mumbling her prayers and I was reciting an Our father, in Spanish. We stayed like that as Rachel began to pop her gum. I growled as I came to the end of my prayer and pulled back, but Q still had a hold on my face.
My eyes flicked to hers, the flecks of gold in her eyes, shining behind her tears.
"Focus for me, San. Have you eaten?" She whispered.
It took me a moment to absorb her words and then to remember if I had eaten.
"No." I said quietly.
"Do you want something?"
"No. I'm nauseous." I said as I looked at only her.
I was starving, and she knew it, but she didn't push me like Britt would have, I knew she'd tell B though and leave it to her to deal with. Thankfully.
"Come on...let's get you in bed. Britt's class should have ended ten minutes ago...she should be home soon."
This was the only night of the week that Britt had a night class...it was the only night I ate dinner alone...or with Q, but today I didn't have the energy, so I relented and let her lead me to my room.
She still had a slight limp from the cast, but she still held me until I was in my bed, curled up and cuddling with my body pillow which smelled like B and the moment that I could smell Britt's fragrance I began sobbing out loud.
I felt so alone and dead inside.
Alone...dead and alone.
I laid in the darkness and buried my head deeper into the pillow as I looked out of the window at the city skyline. This was supposed to be a good time in my life.
Senseless.
My mind was just going around and around.
My fault.
Quinn had gone off to call Britt and had left me to my own bitter thoughts with my body still throbbing and aching.
I wanted to use and knowing Q, she was guarding the exits to make sure that I didn't try anything, and I was endlessly grateful. I bit into my lip and tried to calm my breathing but all I could think was coke...my fault...senseless...coke...coke...coke.
Jesus help me!
It would be so easy to do just one line...it would work so well at numbing me but that wasn't me anymore.
And like it agreed with me, I felt the flutter in my stomach and tried to keep breathing.
"I know baby...I know you're there."
If it was a year ago something like this would have caused me to go on a week-long coke binge, pregnant or not but now...now I had nothing but my tears to console me because I was going to keep my babies safe, even from me...especially from me, no matter what, their lives were more valuable than mine.
My fault.
The door creaked open and closed quickly. The lamp by the door was clicked onto the dimmest setting but I still buried my eyes and blocked out the light.
I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to see the look in her eyes...I just craved her touch.
"Ana? Baby I'm home. Puck called me. Q told me what happened...are you alright? Can I get you anything? I know that you didn't eat."
"No...not hungry...just come hold me...okay?" I mumbled half into the pillow, hoping that she wouldn't try to shove food down my throat.
"Okay."
I let out a sigh of relief when she accepted my words...a first.
I heard her kick her shoes off and drop her bag to the floor.
I knew that in four huge steps and a jump she would be right behind me, spooning me and trying her best to make me feel better.
One...
There was so much to figure out.
Two...
Could I have changed this?
Three...
Did she really get the ache this caused me?
Four...
I just need to wake up from this nightmare!
Jump...
Brittany. Peace.
I curled up more around the pillow, the moment that I felt the warmth of Britt's body surrounding me.
"We are going to have to fly back to Lima, there's no time to drive." she whispered after a while.
"I know."
"Do you think Isaac can handle the flight?"
"I don't know." I shrugged.
"Well, I don't know if I'm going to be able to miss my classes, it's finals week."
"Then don't miss them."
"I want to be there with you."
"But you don't have to be...I'm fine...ok?"
"Please, don't shut me out Ana. We moved passed that part of our relationship."
"I know."
"Just talk to me."
"I don't know what you want me to say, B."
"Just tell me what you need."
"Ian...I need Ian."
"That's not possible..."
"No fucking kidding because he...he fucking killed himself this morning and I...I don't know how to fucking handle it! I could have saved him!"