Chapter 5

BPOV

College - First year

It'd been a peaceful first week at Columbia. Since I'd moved from out of state, along with a slew of other students, I'd been granted early access to our dorms. While the grounds were full, it wasn't yet overcrowded. It was quiet, just a few people milling around here and there. There were no classes in session yet, and for the first time in my life, I'd gotten to relax.

There was no fear of someone knocking on my door and needing to quickly hide the food I'd been eating. No one stared at me while I put food onto my plate or into my mouth. And while I walked around campus, trying to familiarize myself with everything, no one gave me a second look. No one yelled rude comments at me or passed me cruelly written notes. It was as if I didn't exist, which was exactly what I wanted.

But as I heard the key slide into the lock, and the door clicked open, I knew my solitude had ended. My peace and quiet was going to evaporate into thin air. It still had to be better than being at home, though.

I knew my roommate's name—Tanya Denali—but that was as much info as they'd given me. So, it was easy to say that I was shocked by the girl who rushed into the room, laden with bags.

She was easily over five-foot-eight, with long, dark blonde hair. Yet her height wasn't what caught me off guard. No, it was the fact that like me, she was a big girl too. Although, just looking at her, I could tell that we'd had two very different experiences in our lives. She was dressed in tiny, tight denim shorts, matched with a white crop top, obviously wanting to be and okay with being noticed. It was something I wouldn't even attempt to imagine myself in.

I tended to try and hide in my clothing. I liked dark, muted colors, nothing that accentuated any part of my body. I was already big, so why call more attention to myself?

"Oh, my gosh!" she exclaimed, throwing one of her bags on the empty bed beside mine. "You must be Bella!"

I sat up before getting to my feet. It seemed her personality matched her style: loud and over the top. "Um, yeah," I whispered. "Tanya, right?"

"Yes, wow, look at you, you're gorgeous! I bet we're even the same size. Well, I mean, you're shorter than I am, but I bet my tops and dresses would fit you and vice versa. It's not often I get to swap clothes with friends, they never have my ass or my tits."

My eyes widened in shock. We were definitely different. "Oh, I don't have all that much that you'd probably want to borrow."

She waved me off before gesturing to the bags on her bed. "Even if not, I have plenty to share. My parents will be up here soon with the rest of my things, but after they leave, let's spend some time getting to know each other. Sound good?"

Lifting one of my shoulders, I gave her a wan smile. "Sure."

"I have a question for you, Bella. Don't get mad, okay?"

"Okay…"

Tanya flipped down on her back onto my bed. "Okay, so, we've been here for weeks now, and you never go out. You go to your classes and either go to the cafe or come straight back here. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person you talk to, and even that is kinda stilted. I thought maybe you were just shy but, like, even shy people go out and do things! There are so many cute boys here, or I mean maybe it's girls you're into? I don't care either way, but seriously, what gives?"

I stared at her for a moment. My brain needed a bit to absorb everything that had just come out of her mouth. "Uh...I mean I guess I'm just not that social? I don't know."

"I call bullshit. Look, I'm not trying to analyze you or anything but…we're in college, and it seems like you're just letting this time in your life pass you by."

Snorting, I glanced at her. "We've been here for like two months, maybe I'm still adjusting."

"Oh, come on! In the two months we've been here, you've missed so much! Look, one of the frats is having a party tonight. I'm going with my friend, Kate. Why don't you come, too?"

My eyes widened in fear. "No, that's okay—"

"Come on, Bella!"

"What would I even wear? Tanya, I'm not like you."

"Oh wow! Looks like we're getting somewhere! What do you mean you're not like me?"

Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. I sighed heavily, knowing she wasn't going to let this drop. "Have you looked in the mirror?" I snapped. "You're tall, blonde, with bright blue eyes. You have thick thighs, but with a tiny waist, and a great ass. Your personality oozes confidence. And then there's me, with everything in the wrong place, plain brown eyes and boring brown hair. I'm too short for my weight, my thighs have dimples all over them. You might be bigger than most girls, Tanya, but you're not fat. Not like me."

It appeared I'd actually rendered her speechless for the first time. She sat there slacked-jawed before shaking her head. "What...oh, Bella. I look in the mirror every day, but I don't think that you look in it often enough. Do you know what I see when I look at you?"

Wiping away the tears on my cheeks, I shook my head. "No."

"Well, let me tell you, yeah, you're short, but so are a lot of women. Did you see my dad? He's over six-foot-five! As for plain? Your hair is so shiny and your eyes are a brilliant shade of brown. If you're fat, so am I, and what's wrong with that? It's just a word! It doesn't have to mean anything unless you decide it does. You have gorgeous curves, I've seen glimpses of them. But you don't let anyone see them, you don't let anyone see you. Look...maybe a party is a bad idea tonight. How about we stay in and give you a little makeover?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but she cut me off.

"Nothing extreme, we can work on some things that might boost your confidence a little. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, or to feel you're not still you. I just want to help you enhance everything that's so great about you."

"I don't know, Tanya…"

"Come on, it's just you and me. If you hate it, it'll just be between us and I'll leave you alone. But if you love it...well, I think it'll really help your self-esteem."

I took a deep breath, pushing it out. "How do you do it? How do you walk around in shorts and tank tops and look in the mirror and like what you see? When I see you walking around campus, boys are always following you."

She grinned at me. "Let's start out slow, but in time, I'll help you get that same confidence, okay?"

I bit my lip, mulling it over. I didn't think I'd ever be as confident as she was, but at this point, what did I have to lose? "Yeah, okay. Let's do it."

I peered into the mirror. "Do I look like a drag queen? I feel like I look like a drag queen."

Behind me, Tanya laughed loudly. Turning around, I glared at her.

"Bella, I'm sorry, but you literally have on like, foundation, blush and some mascara. You still look naturally beautiful. Now, for your clothes—"

"I think I'm good with just the makeup."

"Nope! We're going all out. You're a size, what, 16?"

"Um, yeah, I think so."

She clapped her hands together, bouncing on the balls of her feet, reminding me of Alice. "Perfect! Oh, I'm so excited!"

She ran over to her wardrobe, pulling it open and rifling through. She pulled out a black dress with polka dots. "Here! This one is perfect."

"Tanya, I can't wear that! It's see-through!"

"Bella," she huffed.

"You promised to not make me uncomfortable, and putting on a see-through dress is definitely going to make me uncomfortable."

She walked back over to her closet. "I'm sorry, you're right. What if we put a black tank top under it? The dress is short on me, but it'll be perfect on you, and I have some heels…"

"Give me the dress and the tank, but I draw the line at wearing heels."

"Wow...I...just...wow. I had a feeling that under all those baggy clothes there was an amazing body. Holy shit, Bella! I know I said we'd stay in, but...how do you feel about checking out that party? You'll have boys eating out of your hand."

I stood in the mirror, staring at my reflection. I wanted to believe everything that Tanya was telling me, but it was so difficult. There was no way to erase years of being told that I wasn't worth anything at the size that I was or the thoughts that I was too fat to ever be deemed attractive.

The thought scared me to death, but so did feeling this way for the rest of my life. I wanted a change. And while I wasn't sure I was making the right choice, I knew I had to start somewhere.

My stomach churned as the words came out of my mouth. "Okay."

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