At first, Tony doesn't know what to make of Steve Rogers. They had clashed badly on the Helicarrier. He had said some not-so-great things that maybe-he-regrets-saying-now, but Steve had also had some cutting remarks to make, and it is something of a miracle that they had managed to coalesce and actually fight Loki in the end.
Working together to fight egomaniacs aside, Tony hadn't really been expecting much more other than the same cold stiffness Steve had been exuding (when he wasn't boiling with loosely tethered anger) after the battle. But…but that hadn't quite been what had happened.
He doesn't exactly know when it had all first started but…it had probably begun when he had woken up after almost dying in space. There Steve had been, sitting next to him, his face and suit covered in ash, a look of relief on his face.
"I'm glad you're alive," he had said as he had reached down to help pull him up, and Tony...had believed him.
And now, looking back, he thinks that is the very first glimpse he had ever gotten of Steve, just Steve, and nothing else. That Steve had folded away quickly enough while they had all tramped back to his Tower to go collect Loki. Tony might have even forgotten about the moment between them…except then his arc reactor had given out, and he had nearly had a heart-attack, and he had found himself in med-bay, right next to the one and only Steve Rogers.
Apparently, Steve had had his own strange encounter with Loki and the scepter, which is why he is in med-bay. Tony doesn't even have time to process that before JARVIS is speaking up and claiming he has important surveillance footage for them to see—in private.
After that he had mostly forgotten about the flicker of Steve Rogers he had seen, because he and the Captain had been rather busy confronting the possibility of time-travelers, and a Hydra conspiracy nestled inside of SHIELD.
And that is when the flickers of Steve Rogers come back full force. The instant JARVIS plays the other-Steve's fateful Hail Hydra on the monitor, Steve lets out a cry of alarm and spins away, his face pale.
At this point, Tony doesn't really know what to do. He is shocked too by the reveal, and his mind remains frozen for a few seconds as he watches Steve stumble against one of the workbenches. His hand slams down to brace himself against the table, and Tony can see that his eyes are wide and distant, staring at something far away while his shoulders heave.
And then Tony remembers the look on Steve's face when he had stormed into the lab on the Helicarrier, a Hydra weapon in hand.
His mind kicks into gear and he scrambles to try to bring Steve around. Back in the Helicarrier he hadn't been able to see much beyond the fury in the man's face, but that is all gone now. Steve looks pale and shaken, and—well, young.
He doesn't really know what to do with this Steve. He could handle the furious Captain from before. He is good at dealing with angry people who look down on him. This is different though, and he has absolutely no idea how to deal with it.
"I'm just as lost as you are right now, alright?" he cajoles desperately, his hands out as he scans Steve. He is present now, at least, but there is a look in his eyes as he stares at the frozen screen that makes Tony uncomfortable. "You gonna be okay?"
In front of him, Steve huffs out a dry, humourless laugh and gives his head a brisk shake. "I'll have to be," he says grimly, and Tony doesn't like the wording of that at all. Steve Rogers is already slipping away from him though, and he watches as Captain Rogers straightens his shoulders. His eyes harden as he fixates on the screens. "Is there still more footage?"
And that, he realises, is going to be that. He had seen another glimmer of Steve, (and he is beginning to realise now that Steve and Rogers are definitely two different things), but it had faded away just as quickly. It is just as well, because they need to watch the footage and see what on earth is happening, but…it is a tad…disconcerting.
He keeps seeing bits of the more vulnerable Steve, now that he is looking for it. The shortness of Steve's reply when the other-Steve had brought up Bucky Barnes, his caginess over his compass, his panicked outburst when Tony had first suggested he pretend to be Hydra… All of it feels like little road markers on the map of Steve Rogers that he is suddenly building in his head, and he doesn't know what to do about it.
He isn't good at this sort of thing, He really isn't. He hadn't even been able to tell Pepper when he had been dying a few years ago. He really, really isn't the person cut out to deal with whatever Steve has got going on.
Except…except, well, there isn't anyone else who can do it either. Right now, Hydra is very much a thing within SHIELD. They can't trust SHIELD, and they can't trust the other Avengers either.
The only people he and Steve can trust right now, are each other.
The irony of this situation is not lost on him.
Not even twenty-four hours ago he had been bitter and edgy around a Captain America that seemed to hate him just as much. And now…now he is planning a top-secret undercover mission with him and wondering about his mental health.
And Steve just keeps giving him fuel to feed that fire of worry.
A few days after the battle, Steve comes to live in his Tower, and he has the gall to bring only a single small box, and a duffle bag of stuff. Next to him, in the elevator, Tony stares and frowns, his hands frozen on his tablet. "Where's your stuff?"
Steve lifts the box as he shrugs. "It's here." The elevator doors ding open onto the floor with Steve's room, and Tony follows him out, trying to calculate how much stuff he could have managed to fit in there. Not much.
"Yeah, where's the rest of it?" he asks. He isn't surprised that Steve hadn't dragged everything up here just yet, but he had come here on a motorcycle, and he has a sneaking suspicion that—
"Probably in a museum somewhere," Steve replies in a dry tone, a neutral expression on his face as he confirms his suspicions. His fingers go white as his hands tighten on the box, and he shrugs with deceptive ease. "This is all I've got."
Haha.
Tony doesn't laugh, because it isn't funny, but his brain tosses out the sound as he tries to process what Steve is telling him. Everything he owns right now fits in a single box and bag because he had been dead for seventy years and his stuff had been turned into museum pieces.
He is starting over from square one, basically, and it looks like he hasn't had long to start collecting possessions again.
Actually…how long has it been since he got resurrected? His brow furls as he thinks over the question and follows Steve into his new room. The file SHIELD had given him hadn't actually said. They had mentioned finding him in the ice…but they hadn't said when. His mind travels back to the bugs he had planted on the Helicarrier. They hadn't been able to find much on Hydra, but he imagines they should lend some insight in this situation.
Before that though, he takes Steve back down to his lab so that he can look through his phone and laptop and see if SHIELD/Hydra are spying on him. It turns out that they are, and while that shouldn't really be a surprise, Tony finds himself grinding his teeth about it anyways.
"So, they know the stuff you've been looking at online," he says, pushing away from the laptop and trying to calm himself. He knew SHIELD was shady, now he just knows it is so much more than that. He pulls off his safety glasses and looks over to where Steve is waiting. "Anything we should worry about?"
He kind of doubts Steve could have searched anything problematic yet, but if he had happened to search something blatant like I hate Hydra and also Nazis, right before they try to convince Hydra that he is one of them…they might have some problems.
Across the table, Steve shrugs. "I've just been using it to look up the history I missed," he says. "SHIELD gave me a file. I've been trying to catch up."
Haha.
Tony's brain hiccups over the words, and he can't help staring at Steve. He repeats the words over in his head, and they line up again to imply the same thing.
"By yourself?" he asks, his mind distant as he tries to even fathom that. He had sort of just assumed that SHIELD had given Steve a full six-week rundown of modern history or something. But, of course, now he is remembering all the times on the Helicarrier where Steve hadn't understood a reference, or when he had understood something and had seemed particularly jubilant about it.
He can't have… SHIELD must have done more than give him a few files, right? He can't have been doing this all by himself.
Oblivious to his inner monologue, Steve seems to take his words the wrong way, his shoulders stiffening. "I know how to use a computer," he answers tightly, and Tony can practically feel him pulling away from him.
He fights to keep from wincing. "No that's not…" He swallows. He doesn't know how to explain to Steve the tangled wrongness of what he had just said. Instead, he tries to move on. "Okay, anyways, they know your internet history…" he picks up the phone and waves it at Steve. "You ever called or texted anyone on this thing that we should be worried about?"
Steve huffs, the tension easing a little from his shoulders. "Who would I call?" he asks ruefully.
"…Right." He puts the phone down, his brain helpfully reminding him that probably, nearly everyone Steve had ever known is dead now. Before all this, he hadn't thought a lot about what waking up in this century must have been like for Steve. Now he can't stop thinking about it.
Looking at Steve's carefully shuttered expression, he gets the feeling he doesn't want to talk about it. "Well," he says finally, opting to move on again. "If we take out the bugs, SHIELD/Hydra would notice, so it's best to just leave them in. Don't call or do anything suspiciously not-Hydra on them, kay?"
Steve cracks a dry smile, and Tony decides that is good enough for now.
He turns away to start working on Steve's new suit designs (because SHIELD's suit doesn't have much going for it to be honest.) He had already made up several mock-ups (because sleeping last night had been interrupted by a panic-inducing dream of falling through space, and after that he had decided he had spent enough time in bed for the night.)
Steve seems to like the stealth-suit one he had designed best, and Tony smiles proudly. "Its colours are more muted," he explains as he shows off the holographic projections. "So it's less of a screaming target."
And then Steve goes off and talks about the war, and how his suit had made him an easy target, and how everyone wanted to target him—which Tony had not thought about, and Howard had neglected to mention—and Tony is left trying not to think about what it must have been like being the first target choice on the battlefield.
"Must have been tough," he manages, because he can't think of anything else to say. His dad's stories about Captain America had mostly talked about his successful missions, and how much of an asset he was in the field. Tony has a sudden feeling that Howard either hadn't known, or hadn't shared some of the grittier details of the war.
He had talked about Steve defying all odds and racing through bullet storms, but Tony hadn't really thought about how that would be something he would have to do all the time, and not for a heroic mission every once and a while.
Steve seems just as uncomfortable as him with their foray into emotional territory, and he shrugs away. "I wore my jacket sometimes if I wanted to blend in a bit," he says, and Tony watches as his hands twitch up to tug at sleeves that aren't there.
His mind's eye flashes back to a familiar dusty old box from his childhood, and his mind spins as he turns away. He thinks back to the single bag and box Steve had come with, and an idea quietly takes root in his brain.
Later, he has JARVIS see if he can hack SHIELD and find out how long ago they had found him in the ice.
The date MAY 17, 2012, stares back at him, and he glares at it with folded arms.
That is the day Steve had woken up from being frozen in the ice. Barely more than two weeks before he had helped them fight off an alien army from space. He hasn't even been out of the ice for a month yet. He thinks back to Steve's admission and the files SHIELD had given him, and his glare grows as anger churns in his gut.
The box and the bag make more sense now. Of course Steve has nothing. Of course he—
He breathes in, his eyes glinting as he waves away the holographic display. "JARVIS," he orders sharply, the idea from earlier rising again. "I need you to look for something."
oOo
It takes him a while to find the box. It isn't like he had cared a lot about it for most of his life. His dad had been obsessed with Steve Rogers, and after a while Tony had wanted to simply forget the man existed at all. He hadn't really been big on keeping track of his dad's memorabilia.
He actually worries that he might have thrown it away at some point, in a fit of anger at his dad or Steve. JARVIS eventually manages to locate it though, back in his Malibu mansion. He arranges for it to be sent over—along with DUM-E and U, since it looks like he is going to be staying in the Tower for a while now—and when he opens it, he is gratified to find exactly what he is looking for.
He doesn't give it to Steve right away though. For one thing, the days had crept by so that his birthday is actually nearing, and for two…Hydra finally raises its scaly head and contacts Steve.
Tony spends several nerve-wracking hours in his lab while Steve goes into the viper's nest to meet with the head snake. He finds it hard to focus while he waits, his brain sluggish and tired. He hadn't slept well again last night—hadn't slept well for most of the last few weeks actually—and he had woken up Pepper again with his tossing and turning. He knows she is worried about him. She and JARVIS had both been laying down subtle and not-so-subtle hints about trauma and therapy, but he remains stubborn about it.
This isn't the first traumatic event he has lived through. He had survived Afghanistan and everything that had entailed. Really, flying a missile up into space isn't that big of a deal in comparison. Sure, he had thought he was going to die, but he hadn't, and, anyway, that hadn't even been the first time he had feared for his life. He had survived being tortured. He can handle a few nightmares.
His circular thoughts get cut off as JARVIS announces Steve's return, and he feels a wave of relief. Steve had made it back—which is a good sign—and now maybe he can have something else to focus on besides his own messed up brain.
Steve looks drained as he comes in—and probably the fact that Tony can see that is a further testament to his exhaustion—but he had been successful. Hydra believes his change of heart—or is at least willing to test him out a little.
Yay for them.
They can't do much about Hydra yet though. Steve still needs to finish up on his SHIELD training (which, from what Tony can tell, seems to consist of more files and educational videos, as well as actual emergency response and physical training.) Once that is ready, he will be assigned to a team (which they know, thanks to Pierce, will be full of Hydra agents), and after that…well, after that they start digging, and hope Hydra doesn't get too suspicious of Steve in the meantime.
It is a somewhat risky plan, but it seems to be working so far, and Tony distracts himself from his stress by focusing on planning Steve's birthday party. Pepper insists on something laid back and classy, which is probably for the best. Despite working with Steve for about a month now, he still doesn't really know a lot about him, so he just hopes the party goes over well.
It is simpler and quieter than any of his own parties have been, but Steve seems to appreciate it. The Avengers chat over take-out, introduce Steve to Uno, and fail miserably at singing happy birthday in a recognisable tune (but that is fine because Steve laughs louder and fuller than Tony has ever heard him do before, and he himself feels like his face will split from grinning.)
After cake, it is finally time for presents. A few communal gifts from the group had felt like the best route to take, and Tony waits nervously while Steve unwraps a sketchbook, and then some drawing pencils. Steve takes forever about carefully peeling the wrapping paper, and Tony fights against tapping his foot anxiously.
At last, it is finally his turn, and he gets up from his seat next to Pepper to go and fetch the box. It doesn't look like much on the outside, just a plain cardboard box, but he knows exactly how much stuff Steve currently has, and he really hopes this will help make up for some of that.
That doesn't stop the swoop of apprehension that flips through his stomach as he finally hands the thing over. He sits back next to Pepper, his mouth dry. "My dad…" He swallows, trying to give some sort of explanation. "My dad kept some of your stuff after the war, and it was just gathering dust on my shelf so I figured…"
Steve's eyes are wide, and he doesn't say anything as he reaches to pull open the box. His lips part as he stares down into his lap, and Tony watches with bated breath as he pulls out the first item. It is his jacket, the one he had talked about, and he holds it almost reverently, his eyes glassy in the evening light.
The room is dead quiet as he pulls the jacket close to him, keeping it on his lap as he reaches into the box to see what else is inside. The jacket had taken up most of the space, but Tony knows that his dad had also kept some files on the serum, a folder of pictures from the war, and what looked like a journal and sketchbook.
He doesn't exactly know how he feels about his dad having kept all this stuff. Obviously it is good that he has it now, so that he can give it back… But what right did Howard have to it in the first place? He doesn't really know what else they could have done with the stuff though. Steve didn't have any living family when he had died, and Bucky Barnes was dead too, so Tony isn't sure what claim the Barneses family had—if any—on his stuff so…
He can see why a lot of Steve's stuff had slipped away into collectors' items while he had been dead. Besides Howard, Peggy, and maybe the Barneses, who else was supposed to hang on to any of it?
In front of him, the line between Steve and Captain Rogers looks as thin as glass. Steve's eyes shine and his hands tremble just slightly as he begins to set the things back in his box. "Thank you," he says, his voice rough as he looks at him and wraps a hand around his jacket. "This—thank you."
Tony's throat swells with mixed emotion and he manages to smile at Steve. He is relieved that the present had gone over well. Looking at Steve, he knows it has touched him—but he doesn't think that either he or Steve want to dwell on the heavy emotions that have permeated the room as a result.
Instead, he pushes himself up from his seat. "Okay well," he reaches a hand down to help Pepper up from the couch and the other Avengers begin stirring as they wake up from the heavy atmosphere. "I think it's time to get some champagne going, the fireworks are about to start."
Steve seems surprised but amiable, and he sets aside his presents as they cluster around, and Pepper begins handing out champagne. The common room exits out onto a high balcony, and Tony leads them out into the night air, chatting easily about the view as they wait for the show to begin.
Thor needs a crash course on what fireworks are—apparently they have something similar on Asgard, but magic-based—and he finds himself explaining the various pyrotechnics to the god with Clint. Most of them are situated near the front of the balcony, where they can get a better view, but Steve stays near the back, a relaxed look on his face as he nurses his glass and regards them all.
The start of the fireworks show keeps Tony's mind off Steve. The lights are brilliant and bright, and he sneaks his hand into Pepper's as he watches the display, pausing every once and a while to mention the name of one of the fireworks to Thor. Red, white, and blue are, of course, the theme for the night, but there is enough variety to make things interesting.
"I always forget how loud these are!" Pepper shouts over the booming thunderclaps, and Tony nods emphatically. As Iron Man, he is no stranger to loud noises, but some of these fireworks practically make his teeth rattle.
The show begins to wind down after about half an hour, before lighting up for the end finale. After the final cacophony of exploding lights, he and the other Avengers turns to head in. Thor is busy chatting loudly to Clint about how this show compares to some he had seen on Asgard, and Tony shivers a little, tugging at the long sleeves of his shirt as they head in. The night air is chilly, but he is distracted from that as he steps inside and glances around.
"Where's Steve?" he comments, his eyes flicking over the group. Steve isn't among them, which is a little weird. His eyes glance over to the couches, and his eyebrows raise in confusion when he sees that Steve's presents are still there. He hadn't grabbed them, so why had he left? Did he need a bathroom break or something?
"Uh," he looks over as Bruce speaks up, the man shifting uncomfortably on his feet. "I saw him leave. I think he broke his champagne glass or something? He said he needed to change." Tony blinks in surprise and he watches Natasha head out to the balcony for a moment before coming back in.
"Yeah, there's glass out there," she says, heading towards the kitchen for a broom. "Was he okay?"
Tony looks back at Bruce and he shrugs uncertainly. "I don't think it cut him or anything," he says. His eyes dart up, looking worried. "I sort of expected him to come back…but he's been gone for a while."
Tony chews on his bottom lip, his eyes drifting over to the presents again. "I'll go check on him," he announces, nearly surprising himself with the offer. "We need to bring him his stuff anyways." He goes over to start collecting Steve's things, a tendril of worry trying to make itself a home in his head. "JARVIS," he calls, trying to keep calm and rational about this. "Where's Steve now?"
"Captain Rogers is currently in his room," JARVIS replies, and Tony nods, hefting the box of presents in his arms.
"Right," he mutters under his breath. "Here goes nothing."
He makes it to Steve's suite without too much difficulty. JARVIS lets him in without protest, which is appreciated (although that also makes him worry, because usually JARVIS only does that if something is…well…wrong.) The lights are dim in the apartment as he enters, and he notices immediately that the windows are blacked out, making it harder to see anything.
"Did Steve ask for a lockdown?" he asks with concern as he navigates his way through the living room, searching for any sign of Steve. So far, the rooms are empty of any super soldiers, and…also empty of pretty much anything else that hadn't come with the rooms already. He had known that this would probably be the case, but it still feels wrong to see it.
JARVIS replies in a quieter tone than usual. "He did not," he says, a half-pause lingering in the air before he continues. "I felt it advisable, given the circumstances."
Hmm. That doesn't really bode well.
"Steve?" he calls, hoping for a response. JARVIS had said that he was here. But so far, he hasn't seen or heard anything from him. His call gets no response, and he has no choice but to shuffle towards the bedroom.
JARVIS would tell me if he died or something, he reminds himself as he eases the door open with one hand. That is part of his privacy protocols. He is allowed to break them if someone's life is in danger.
There is no answer to his call, and Steve's room is just as dark as the living room. He pauses for a second, wondering if he could possibly be in the bathroom—because he can't think of anywhere else he could be—when his ears pick up the quiet sounds of someone breathing.
A shiver runs through him and his mouth goes dry as he steps into the room. "Steve?" he calls again. His eyes glance over the dim interior. There isn't much inside. On the far wall is a closet, the door currently closed. The bed sits in the middle of the room, and there is a desk under the window. The window is blacked out too, and the darkness of the room makes his arc reactor seem bright, even through his shirt.
The breathing is coming from past the bed, and he moves uneasily towards it, his heart pounding. The bed—unlike the strict neatness of the rest of the room—has a rumpled look to it, and he notes as he comes around that the comforter is missing.
He glances up towards the corner of the room and finds it immediately.
There, crouched defensively in the corner, like a dog trapped in a back alley, is Steve. Tony's breath stutters as he lays eyes on him, and Steve doesn't even blink. His eyes are blank as he stares out in front of himself, his hands clenched in tight fists on the blanket around his shoulders. His breaths are steady, and the only sound that fills the silent room. Tony takes a hesitant half-step forward, and Steve doesn't even twitch.
Oh…kay.
It is immediately obvious to him that something is very wrong. Steve is almost terrifying in his stillness, and Tony has absolutely no idea what to do about it.
"JARVIS," he whispers hoarsely, his eyes trained on Steve. "How long has he been like this?"
JARVIS' voice is just as quiet as before. "Captain Rogers has been here for most of the fireworks display."
Tony's lips press together. A little less than half-an-hour then. Not great. And, fireworks. Of course. He resists the urge to smack his hand to his forehead in realisation. That would be why JARVIS had blacked out the windows and probably soundproofed the room. If Steve was reacting badly to them then…He sighs. He supposes this sort of thing wouldn't be enough to force JARVIS to call someone, but he wishes they had been able to find Steve earlier.
He…also wishes he had thought about this problem beforehand. Fireworks are such an automatic part of Fourth of July celebrations that he hadn't even paused to think—
He shakes his head and pulls in a determined breath. He can't be all self-deprecating now. He needs to focus. Blaming himself in the dark isn't helping Steve at all. He swallows and carefully sets Steve's presents down on his bed, his eyes still fixed on the hunched figure in the corner.
"Alright," he says, licking his lips and trying to steady his pulse. The dark makes it hard to read Steve's face, but he doesn't think his presence has been noted yet. "Any suggestions JARVIS?"
There is an irony in asking his AI for help for Steve, when he has yet to do it for himself, but he ignores it for now, paying close attention to JARVIS' reply.
"I would refrain from touching him, Sir," JARVIS says. "And try to appear as non-threatening as possible."
Tony takes that to heart. He takes care not to get too close to Steve, but he kneels down in front of him, his heart pounding as he flicks his eyes over his empty expression. There is not a shred of Captain Rogers visible right now. All of it is the vulnerable Steve Rogers he has been catching glimpses of, and it is hard to stomach.
"Steve?" he calls, his voice feeling too loud in the heavy silence. "Steve, you there?"
Steve blinks, and he isn't sure if that is a sign of life or not. He swallows and tries again. It takes a few more rounds of calling Steve's name and chatting lightly about nothing before his blinks begin to draw out an actual person.
He feels almost weak with relief as Steve's head twitches and his breath quickens, his blinks heavy and slow.
"Steve," he gets out, resisting the urge to reach out and steady him. "Steve, hey."
A look of confusion makes its way across Steve's face as he stares up at him. "Tony?" he slurs, his voice sounding tired, as though his tongue isn't quite working yet. "What's going on?"
Tony regards him, wondering how to approach this. "Bruce said you left," he starts, deciding to begin with the basics, since Steve still seems kind of out of it. "But then you didn't come back, and we got a little worried." He swallows and flicks his eyes over Steve and his blanket. "JARVIS said you were in your room, so I came to check on you and bring your stuff."
His hand waves vaguely towards the pile of presents on the bed, and Steve follows the movement with a slow gaze. "Oh," he says after a moment. "Thanks." He gives another slow blink and shifts a little in his corner. "I'm okay. You didn't have to do that."
Tony stares at him and raises a single eyebrow in disbelief. The effect is probably completely lost thanks to the dark, but it makes him feel better. Does Steve really expect him to believe him? Is he just supposed to walk out the door now and leave Steve to sit in the corner in the dark?
Not likely, he thinks pointedly. He may not be good at this sort of thing, but he definitely is not about to just walk out.
Which means the only other option is sitting down and actually dealing with this. He lets out a breath and shifts to lean against the wall next to Steve. If Steve had his legs out, their legs would form a nice L shape in the dark. As it is, Steve remains crouched with his knees hunched up to his chest, and Tony is left to awkwardly start a conversation he is pretty sure neither of them want to have.
"Okay," he starts. "So, this isn't really my forte here, but…" He shrugs and fiddles with his fingers trying to think of what to say. "Generally people who are fine don't make a habit of crouching defensively in the corner of their room."
Steve tenses, and Tony grasps desperately at whatever threads he can find to keep this going. "Pepper keeps saying talking helps," he says, thinking back to her insistence in that area. "So… so…" Ugh. He is not good at this. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
His cheeks heat with embarrassment, and he watches as Steve ducks his head, his hands tugging the blanket tighter around his shoulders. His back presses into the wall behind him, and he doesn't look up from his knees as he speaks.
"I'm fine," he says, and Tony bites his tongue to keep from repudiating that fact. "The party was really good, I enjoyed it, it's just…" his fingers knead the blanket around his shoulders, "the fireworks…I wasn't really expecting it. I used to love fireworks as a kid, but now…"
He looks away, and given what he had already worked out, Tony hazards a guess. "They're triggering." Yes. That is a term he knows well. Pepper and JARVIS had mentioned it often enough, even if he never wanted to admit if it could ever apply to him.
Beside him, Steve shrugs uneasily, his eyes lifting. "I…I don't know," he admits slowly. "But I kind of freaked out." His eyes drop back down, and Tony tries to find something vaguely encouraging to say.
"I'm pretty sure that's okay—" he starts off, only to get cut off by Steve's glare.
"No it's not," he insists, a sudden sharpness to his voice as he darts his head up. "You can't tell… you can't tell anyone okay?" His hands spasm on the blanket, and even in the dark Tony can make out the desperate gleam in his eyes. "I promise I'll be better but if Natasha and Clint tell SHIELD about this then they'll take me off the team and we'll lose our chance to beat Hydra so—"
Wait what? Who had said anything about—
"Woah, woah. Cap slow down," he waves a hand as he tries to follow the leaps of logic Steve is scaling. "Okay. Just…just wait a second, okay?"
Steve complies, looking unhappy about it, and Tony rubs the bridge of his nose. He probably shouldn't be surprised that Steve has opinions about telling people about this sort of thing, but he really, really isn't the person to sort this out.
He says just as much, but finds himself trailing off in the end, the light from his arc reactor shining dimly in the dark as he thinks. He isn't good at this but…but even if Steve decides to make the same choice as him, someone should at least talk to him about this, right? He has JARVIS and Pepper to make suggestive comments, and now he has a feeling that Steve needs to hear those very same things.
He squeezes his eyes shut and fiddles with his jeans. Might as well, he thinks, opening his eyes. He is already here, dipping his toes in the water. He might as well jump in.
"I don't know how much anyone's talked to you about this sort of thing," he says slowly, his eyes on his knees as he feels his way around the vulnerable sentence. "And I'm not entirely sure how this sort of thing was dealt with back in your time…"
Steve shifts next to him. "What thing?" he asks, his voice rough in the dark.
He gestures vaguely, still not quite looking at Steve. "This whole thing. Soldiers not doing too hot after coming home from the war."
Inexplicably, that puts Steve more on edge than before, and Tony looks over as he stiffens, practically vibrating with tension. "I'm not… I'm not fatigued," he snaps, a defensive hunch to his shoulders. The anger in his voice is unexpected, and Tony stares at him. "I can still fight," he continues in an apparent non sequitur. "I can still lead the Avengers, you don't hafta report it—"
Okay, wait a minute.
"No one's saying you can't fight okay?" he cuts in, because Steve seems to be taking his words the wrong way. "You're not broken or anything Rogers, from what I know it's a perfectly normal reaction to a traumatic event—" His mouth snaps shut as Pepper's words echo back to him and he runs a hand through his hair. Dark amusement bubbles up in his chest. "Geez," he mumbles under his breath. "I'm making more progress now then I have since this whole thing started."
"What?" Steve asks, and he jerks.
He looks down and mutters a quiet curse. He had forgotten about the enhanced-senses part of the serum. Well. No avoiding it now.
He tilts his head and gives Steve a wry smile. "You think you're the only one who freaks out Rogers?" Steve's eyes remain fixed on him as he talks. "I don't know what your whole deal is, but I could probably match you one for one."
Not that he had really admitted that much before now, but here we are.
Steve stares at him. "You…" his eyes scan him. "You don't like fireworks?"
He shifts. Okay, he will admit that fireworks aren't that big of a deal for him. It is mostly... He ducks his head, his hands tightening on his legs. "Uh," he manages, his teeth clenching as he tries to talk. This is not what he expected to be doing tonight, but, in for the penny in for the pound, right? "I um…can't sleep."
There. The admission is out there. He sucks in a breath, feeling lightheaded as he continues. "Turns out flying through a portal and almost dying in space is pretty traumatic so, I mostly spend my nights in my workshop."
"Oh." Steve pauses, as if unsure how to respond. "Does…does Fury know?"
Tony's brow pulls together at the odd question. It isn't exactly what he had been expecting after his admission, but Steve does seem pretty preoccupied with SHIELD finding out about any of this.
"Don't see how it's much of his business," he says, his fingers massaging the thread of his jeans as he talks. "But…I haven't told him if that's what you're asking." His lips quirk up in dry amusement. "Haven't told anyone really," he continues. "Pepper knows of course, we share the same bed…"
He shrugs uncomfortably, that has been hard for them recently. "She wants me to go see someone about it," he says, the light from his arc reactor flickering as he rubs at his chest. "But…I'm not really good with the whole, talking-about-stuff before-I-self-destruct-shtick."
Steve looks like he is about to respond, but he then gets distracted by the word 'shtick', because apparently he has never heard it before. Tony keeps forgetting how little time he has actually spent in this century. It is little things like this that really stick out and jump up and down at him.
JARVIS defines the word, (and informs them it was coined in the 60s), and Steve settles back again before turning to him.
"So…" he starts off slowly, his eyes glancing over him, a small line between his brows. "There's people… Pepper wants you to talk to someone?"
Right, okay. They are back to talking about this.
"Yeah," he says, shrugging in what he hopes is a nonchalant manner, and not an I-barely-know-what-I'm-talking-about-because-I-have-been-avoiding-this-topic-studiously manner. "There's doctors now that you can talk to," he continues. "There's different kinds of therapies I guess, and Pepper says they are supposed to help. I haven't really tried any yet but—"
And then he looks up and notices that Steve's face is pale and frozen again, his eyes wide and empty. His stomach drops, because this is exactly the kind of thing he had been trying to avoid, and he flounders for a moment, completely at a loss for what could have set Steve off.
He forgets about keeping his distance, and he reaches for him instinctively. "Hey, Cap. You still with me?"
Steve comes back faster this time, his breath stuttering sharply as he flinches away from his hand. "Don't—" He starts, a frantic edge to his voice. Tony draws back in alarm, his eyes wide as his mind scrambles. Steve's hand follows him though, snagging his sleeve in his grip.
He freezes, and Steve's eyes are wild and intent when he looks at him. "Don't," he says again, his gaze imploring. "If the doc thinks you're crazy then they'll send you away, an' once you get into one of those places you never come out."
Tony's mouth falls open.
What?
What is he talking about?
Tony doesn't know how they've gotten to wherever Steve has jumped to, but wherever he is, it isn't a good place. Steve's eyes are round and distant, his breathing speeding up as he clings to his sleeve and stares blankly past his ear.
"Okay…" he says slowly, reaching up carefully and putting his hand over Steve's on his arm, hoping to pull him back. "Okay, so we're just going to breathe for a second 'cuz I think we're talking about two different things." He knows that some people are reluctant to try therapy—there is a reason he hasn't taken Pepper up on her suggestions after all—but the abject terror Steve exudes at the mention of treatment leads him to believe something else is going on.
He watches as Steve breathes in, his breath shuddering as he focuses down on the spot of light from his arc reactor. Tony breathes too, trying to gage Steve's mental state as they calm down.
"Okay," he says, once it looks like Steve is not about to shake apart. "So, I think we're not on the same wavelength here. What's got you so worried?"
Steve swallows reluctantly, and Tony can feel his grip tighten on the fabric of his sleeve. It doesn't hurt, so he leaves his arm there, figuring it isn't hard to let Steve hang onto it. Steve's eyes remain lowered, and his shoulders pull in defensively as he speaks.
"They'll send you to an institution if they think you're crazy," he says softly, and Tony's stomach lurches, his eyes widening. He has a sudden, horrible theory for where Steve is going with this. "And the therapies there…" Steve's eyes flick up and his mouth twists. "They're supposed to help you but… My Ma told me about some of 'em and I don't think they'll help you."
Ahaha.
Tony lets out an abrupt curse as it becomes clear what Steve is talking about. Fear of institutions hadn't occurred to him. He can remember learning about those places briefly in school, but their usage had gone way down by the time he was growing up. It hadn't even occurred to him that Steve would be worried about that.
Why hasn't someone addressed this already?! he thinks frustratedly. The modern advances in psychology suddenly seem like a glaringly obvious section to cover in any 'Welcome to the 21st century' packet.
He darts his eyes over Steve, and he runs an agitated hand through his hair. "Geez, they didn't even tell you about—?" He cuts off the beginnings of an angry rant before it can get started, grinding his teeth. He had figured SHIELD would cover this sort of thing. They had sent enough files over, they couldn't be bothered to have one to say, 'By the way, nobody is going to lock you up for being crazy, at least not right away'?
He sucks in a breath and tilts his head up. "Okay, I'm not an expert or anything, but we don't do that anymore, at least, not in America anyways." He glances away and mutters a few well placed insults towards SHIELD and their rehabilitation strategies, before nodding towards the ceiling. "J? Can you give us a quick sum up about why I won't be getting locked up any time soon?"
Even JARVIS sounds a little put out by SHIELD's oversight, and Tony sits back and listens as the AI explains the growth of antipsychotic drugs and the resulting push for deinstitutionalization in the 50s and 60s.
Steve, for his part, looks absolutely stunned. "So, people aren't institutionalized anymore?" he asks, his mouth open in shock.
"Not necessarily," JARVIS replies. "Patients are sometimes still institutionalized in hospitals, and a growing number of mentally ill end up in nursing homes or jails, however, institutionalization is generally a last resort and is not intended to be a long-term solution, thus various out-patient and preventative measures are common."
Yeah, that is probably a conversation for another time. The important bit though, is Steve shouldn't have anything to fear. "It's not perfect," he cuts in, feeling exhausted. "But nobody's going to torture you or lock you up because you're having a little difficulty, okay?"
The tension in Steve's shoulders eases up as he draws in a breath and lets it out again. (Tony can't help noticing that he doesn't let go of his sleeve though.) His eyes dart around as he tries to process what he is hearing and realign his train of thought. His gaze lands on him. "JARVIS said they have drugs now?" he asks, an uncertain edge to his voice.
Tony nods. "Yup." He shrugs, trying not to jostle Steve's arm. He doesn't have a lot of experience with psychological drugs, but he knows the basics well enough by now. "There's pros and cons to the meds," he says, figuring he might as well continue giving Steve the run down, since apparently SHIELD hadn't done that at all. "But they can help, and there's other stuff too, apparently talking through your issues with a therapist can be helpful."
Steve pulls back into the corner, his chin raising. "Medication doesn't work on me," he says bluntly. "I metabolise it too quickly."
Haha. Ha.
Tony's head jerks as he turns to him, his mind reeling as he tries to take in this sudden bombshell. "Wait, all of it?" he sputters. "What if you need to be sedated?"
Steve shrugs almost self-consciously at his incredulousness, and he draws his knees in closer to his chest, Tony's arm getting tugged along for the ride. "I don't know if they have anything that can really knock me out for long," he admits quietly, and T0ony has to blink pointedly to shut out sudden memories of emergency surgery in Afghanistan. "When I got shot during the war…" Steve's voice brings him back. "They were worried I'd heal over it…"
He glances up and Tony's mouth is dry as he stares at him, his mind absolutely bowled over by the painful implications of what he is hearing. "Wouldn't your body push it out as you healed?" he asks. Before now, he hadn't really thought a lot about Steve's healing factor. He hadn't had a reason to wonder how it worked. But now, all of the sudden he is aware of a whole host of problems it presents.
Such as making pain medication useless apparently.
"We weren't sure if it would or not, so they had to take it out right away," Steve tells him, his throat flexing as he swallows and drops his eyes down to his knees. "We already knew morphine wouldn't do jack, and we didn't want to waste the resources so…" His fingers tighten on his sleeve again. "Bucky gave me his belt to bite down on and I tried not to break his fingers."
Unease hits his stomach with a solid punch, and Tony breathes in shakily, trying to blink away the images Steve's story had painted. "Geez," he mutters, leaning his head back against the wall. His eyes focus onto the darkened ceiling, and his thoughts spin as he tries to find some kind of solution to this.
Thanks to the arc reactor, he knows exactly how important pain meds are. The body can't heal as efficiently while being in pain. Somebody should have addressed this problem before.
Obviously Howard either hadn't tried, or hadn't been able to, but there is no reason he can't do something now. His arc reactor twinges with remembered pain, and he grits his teeth. Yeah, super soldier pain meds are going to become a top priority.
He breathes in. "You know," he says, looking over at Steve. "Bruce is a biochemist. If there's anyone who could develop a drug that'd work on you, it'd be him."
Yes. He is going to have to get Bruce onto this. He might not have much experience with developing and testing drugs, but he is pretty sure Bruce has done that sort of thing for the Hulk before. Between the two of them they should be able to come up with something for Steve.
His arm jostles and he narrows his eyes in confusion as Steve ducks his chin. "It's not that bad," he protests, and Tony's eyes widen in disbelief. "We don't have to go to all that trouble—"
Indignation rises up in his chest, and he cuts him off before they can get any further down that rabbit hole. "Uh uh. Nope," he says, waving his free arm. He sets his jaw and stares Steve down. "I'll tell him tomorrow. Nobody should have to be awake during surgery."
He resists the urge to rub at his arc reactor, but only just.
For his part, Steve looks stunned into silence at his vehemence. "I…guess it couldn't hurt," he agrees finally, and Tony huffs out a breath.
"Yeah, no kidding," he grumbles, bitterness sparking again now that he has talked Steve into reason. "I can't believe SHIELD isn't already working on this. What would have happened if you'd gotten hurt in the field?"
He suppresses a shiver, suddenly glad to have found out about this little quirk of the serum now, instead of on some battlefield somewhere. He doesn't even want to imagine what that would have been like.
Steve doesn't say anything, and Tony blows out a breath as he looks at him. Steve looks a bit more stable and present than he had at the beginning of all this, and Tony gets the impression that he needs to sit with what they had talked about a bit longer before they can get anywhere with it. As much as he is glad that he had somehow managed to talk Steve out of his tree, he is tired now, and they have been sitting on the floor for a while. So, he thinks it is time to start wrapping things up.
"Okay, well…" he starts. "This has all been super enlightening, but I don't know about you, but I'm starting to lose feeling in my legs…" he shifts and winces as his body protests. "So I suggest that we maybe get off the floor and turn some lights on, what do you think?"
"Oh," Steve blinks at him, startled. "Right. Of course." He lets go of his sleeve, and Tony moves away as they both begin to push themselves off the floor. Steve doesn't look too much worse for wear (although he looks more exhausted than Tony can ever remember seeing before). Tony, on the other hand, is greeted by the sound of cracking joints as he stands up, and he rubs at his back, rolling his shoulders as he groans.
"Nice, okay, JARVIS, can we have a little light in here?"
JARVIS raises the light in the room, and Tony is left to figure out how one exits gracefully after having an unexpected heart-to-heart in the dark. He would be more anxious about it, except Steve is looking awkward too, and he gets the impression that as long as he gets himself out of the room with minimal trouble, they should be good.
"I'll talk to Bruce about the meds tomorrow," he tells him definitively, before glancing away and risking dredging up something close to a sensitive topic. "Let me know if… if you need anything, okay?"
Steve's hands tug a little on his blanket as he responds, and the image of him standing there with a blanket around his shoulders just drives home the intensity of what he had stumbled onto tonight. "Okay," he says.
Alright. Tony highly doubts Steve will actually do that, but he doesn't really have a leg to stand on in that area. "Okay," he says back, shifting on his feet. "Well, I'll let you sleep…" He glances up, and Steve nods at him, leaving him nothing else to do besides head back to Steve's front door.
Steve follows him silently and speaks up just as he opens the door to leave. "Ah, Tony." He cuts off, and Tony turns back to scan him worriedly, hoping that another problem isn't about to rear up. Steve fiddles with his blanket and focuses his gaze somewhere next to his ear. "Could you… I…know that I could be a liability but, I was hoping you wouldn't tell anyone about this."
Right. He thinks he understands more why Steve had been so concerned about SHIELD finding out about this. If he is worried about being decommissioned, and/or hospitalised, he can see why he had worked so hard to keep this hidden.
And—judging from the fact that Tony himself has yet to take up any of the therapies he had mentioned to Steve—it is going to take more than one night's conversation to change anything. So, the least he can do now is reassure Steve that he isn't about to go blabbing what he had seen all over the place.
He lifts his chin and looks straight at him. "Unless you're about to hurt yourself or someone else…" he begins slowly, thinking of JARVIS' privacy protocols. "I don't see why I'd need to tell anyone about this. It's your business Rogers, just don't—" His hand clenches on the doorknob and he breathes in, bracing himself. "Don't be a stranger," he says finally. "Look into the stuff I talked about at least…you don't have to do this by yourself."
Steve swallows, and his chin jerks away as his lips press together. After a second of silence, he blinks a few times and looks back at him. "Yeah, okay," he says roughly. "See you tomorrow."
It is clear that that is all that he is going to get tonight, and Tony takes in one last glance of Steve standing there—bags under his eyes, and a blanket over his shoulders—before he manages to pull off a faint smile of farewell. "Goodnight, Cap," he says softly, before turning away.
Steve stays silent as he closes the door behind him.
oOo
After that, he makes a brief stop at the common room floor to make excuses for Steve, before slouching off to his room. He feels exhausted. He has never had to deal with such a volatile situation before, and he will admit that Steve had shocked him tonight.
He is relieved beyond measure that he had somehow managed to keep from messing things up too badly. But, it is clear to him that Steve is going to need help.
Ordinarily, he would say that he is the last person on Earth who should be trying to help people with stuff like this, but… Well, he doubts Steve will go to anybody else for this.
Hydra, plus SHIELD's general incompetence with how they have been handling this will probably keep Steve from reaching out to them. And it is clear he doesn't want any of the Avengers to know, for fear of alerting Fury.
So, Tony is left with a pile of red flags, and the knowledge that he is probably the only person on Earth right now that Steve will trust to even try to approach this.
He flops down in his bed and runs a hand over his face. I'm going to have to look into the stuff Pepper's been talking about, he realises. I'm actually going to have to look into it. I can't just keep on ignoring it, because that's what Steve will do.
He huffs out a breath of put-upon amusement at the irony and rolls onto his side. Fine, he thinks, staring out into the dark, and knowing full well that he is unlikely to sleep much on the bed tonight, no matter how tired he is. I will.
He finds that the idea doesn't seem as daunting when he frames it around searching for help for Steve. Someone has to do it, and obviously SHIELD isn't. So fine. He will do it.
Take that SHIELD, he thinks blearily as his eyes slip closed.
AN: I hope you enjoyed seeing some of Tony's earlier character development. I greatly enjoyed showing Tony's growing indignation with SHIELD/Hydra's treatment of Steve.
Here I showed a headcanon of mine that the Avengers and Tony didn't actually know or weren't told exactly when Steve was found in the ice, so they came to their own logical expectations of how SHIELD was handling the situation.
I also liked showing what I thought was going through Tony's head when he discovers Steve after the fireworks. That would be a startling situation.
Note: This chapter will be the first time I am copying and pasting from google docs. I hope nothing weird happens!