Chapter 21: Your Waifu is Trash

"Kazuma, wake up..."

As Kazuma groggily opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Megumin's face, her eyes looking right back at him. She moved her body closer, snuggling up next to him.

"Megumin?"

"Yeah?"

She was being awfully affectionate this morning, and to be honest… Kazuma really liked it. The feeling of her warm body huddled up close, her softly breathing into his ear… he just felt happy.

"Can we stay like this for a while?"

"Mmm..."

And so they lay in bed, not really doing much of anything, just enjoying each other's warmth. Kazuma was really comfortable, and he didn't want to ruin the mood… but he wanted to ask her a question.

"You're not mad about yesterday?"

"I know you had your reasons for saying what you did..."

"But it still bothered you, right?"

Megumin didn't answer him.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

He didn't get a response right away, and decided to let her think it over rather than say anything more.

"Kazuma, do you really think Darkness needs her kink to be happy?"

"I do. I mean, we all have sexual needs, right? Darkness' are a bit out there, true, but that doesn't make them not important."

"I guess you're right… but why bring up harems?"

"Your reactions were funny. Wait… ow! Okay, okay! I have an actual reason, so stop biting me!"

Megumin relented.

"Remember what Eris said? Don't hold back. That was the point of what I said. A harem was just an example."

"I don't think Eris and Darkness saw it that way."

"But Darkness was totally on board with it anyway..."

"I know… but doesn't the idea of Darkness having a harem bother you at all?"

"Should it? If it makes her happy and helps her get over her crush on me… so what?"

"If it makes her happy… I suppose it's alright."

Megumin paused for a moment to think.

"You always say the wrong things for the right reasons, don't you?"

She brought her lips right up to his ear.

"But I love that about you. Even when you say the worst things, you usually have a good reason. And sometimes it turns out… that what you said wasn't so terrible after all."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Mmm..."

Megumin didn't respond to that, humming softly into his ear as she wrapped an arm around him, pulling them even closer together. As they cuddled, they talked about really anything that came to mind. It helped them stay awake.

"Megumin, who's your favorite character in Re:Zero?"

"Felix is best boy."

"What about best girl?"

"Also Felix."

"Based."

So she was consistent about this. How cultured.

"Okay, Rem or Emilia?"

"Kazuma..."

Megumin put on a confused tone.

"Who's Rem?"

"I take that back! You're not based at all!"

"Kazuma, Kazuma!"

"What?"

"I love Emilia."

This was the last straw. Was she mocking his waifu?! He'd show her...

"Your waifu is trash."

"Are you challenging me to a waifu war?! I accept!"

This dispute had to be addressed immediately and with their fullest attention, so they both got up and went to have breakfast.

"Felix has better healing magic."

"Rem can actually hurt her enemies. What kind of knight can't do that?"

"Well at least Felix doesn't get NTR'd by some silver haired witch."

And so the waifu war raged. On the battlefield, both armies were running out of ammunition. Their waifus had been torn limb for limb, dissected and meticulously scrutinized. Morale was low: both forces had sustained heavy losses. War truly is hell.

"Megumin..."

A ceasefire was their only hope.

"Can we at least agree on second best girl, excluding Felix and Rem?"

"We'll just have to agree to disagree on first best girl. How about..."

Megumin thought about it for a moment.

"Anastasia. She's in it for the money, and she's honest about it. I respect that."

"Hmmm… She has a cat girl army, and she's pretty cute… Truce?"

"Truce."

They both quietly finished their breakfast. Megumin suddenly looked embarrassed.

"Kazuma? I have a bit of an… awkward question for you."

"Uh… okay?"

"How do women in this world, uh… deal with their monthly… you know…"

"I do know… I'm not dense or anything. But couldn't you ask Ally? Or my mom?"

Kazuma had no clue why she'd come to him with these questions. As if he had any experience in this area.

"I kind of forgot? And it's due in a few days so…"

"Aren't girls supposed to keep track of this sort of thing? Don't you need supplies every month?"

Megumin gave him an annoyed look.

"Don't you know how women back in my world deal with this?"

"Of course I don't! Why would I?"

Megumin got up and walked over to the closet. Confused, Kazuma followed her. She pulled out her old clothes from Belzerg, and pointed out a small crystal woven into the fabric.

"This is a menstruation amulet. It removes the blood using magic by absorbing a tiny amount of mana from the wearer."

"The blood just… disappears?"

"Exactly. Which is why I never had to keep track of timing. It's not like I'd ever have any accidents, since I always have an amulet on me."

"So all the women in the kingdom use these? But aren't magic crystals expensive?"

"Well, when half the population needs a product, people tend to find ways to reduce costs…"

"Right, economies of scale…"

Who said Megumin didn't understand economics? She continued.

"They only cost a few copper coins. And yes, basically everyone uses them. But it definitely wouldn't work on Earth."

"Why not? Apart from the fact you only have one... but couldn't you wear it as a necklace or something?"

"Well, with this world's physics you can't simply destroy matter. So, as it currently is, it wouldn't work at all. But that shouldn't be a problem. Surely a highly advanced civilization such as your own has some futuristic solution, right? A medication I could take, perhaps?"

Kazuma shook his head.

"You're not suggesting… I have to actually dispose of the blood… myself?"

Megumin looked very disappointed in the state of modern technology.

"Unfortunately, yes. But don't worry too much, it's not too bad. Or so I've heard. Of course, how would I know? You really picked the wrong person to ask…"

"What, can the man who defeated the Demon King really not handle such a small problem?"

"I really don't know why you're enlisting my help with this, but fine."

And so they went on a shopping trip, again, making sure to feed Chomusuke before they left. Kazuma tried to pick a store which would have a self-checkout aisle; their experience at the lingerie shop was not something he wanted to repeat.

"Kazuma, we should get condoms, too."

He guided them to the correct aisle. As he looked through the selection of condoms, he heard an annoyed reaction from Megumin.

"Oi!"

An old woman was eyeing them with suspicion while Megumin gave her a death stare. Her eyes started to glow, and the old woman scuttled away, clearly frightened of the young girl.

"Can you stop picking fights, Megumin?"

"She started it! She was looking at you like you were some kind of predator!"

"You're going to have to get used to that, Megumin… this world's standards are different."

Megumin didn't like that answer. This is what happens when a loli-baba is demoted to a loli. Of course, he dared not say this out loud. He quite enjoyed being alive.

They made their way to the feminine hygiene products. Kazuma looked over at the labels on the various boxes. Absorbency ratings? Applicators? Cups? He had absolutely no idea what he was doing, and Megumin couldn't even read. Maybe he should've done his research. They just picked a wide selection of products and headed over to the checkout aisles. To Kazuma's immense dissatisfaction, every single one was staffed by a living, breathing human being.

"What's wrong, Kazuma?"

"No self-checkout..."

"Self-checkout?"

"You scan the barcodes on the items yourself. It's faster and..."

"You don't have to show anyone the embarrassing things you just bought?"

"Yeah..."

Megumin smirked at him.

"Well, guess you'll just have to act like a man and take it."

"Act like a man? How sexist."

They bickered until they'd made their way through the line. The cashier was a middle-aged woman with blond hair. Kazuma kept his head down as he handed her the items they were buying.

"Your total will be $69.69; is there anything else you need today?"

"T-that's all."

Kazuma grinned a little. Heh. Funny sex number. But then...

"Be safe, you two."

Kazuma's face went bright red. He quickly paid with his Air Force credit card, and took the plastic bag with their purchases. He hurriedly led Megumin out of the store.

"What did she say to get you so worked up, Kazuma?"

"N-nothing."

"I don't buy that… She said something about the condoms, right?"

Kazuma didn't grant her an answer. Megumin just smirked at him. As they walked back, Megumin stopped to look into one of the storefronts.

"Hey, Kazuma."

"What? You wanna stop here, too?"

Megumin nodded. They stepped inside. From what Kazuma could tell, this store sold bags. Backpacks, laptop bags… the point was they had a lot of bags. Megumin led him over to the purses and picked out a bright red one.

"I like this one."

"Megumin, it looks cheap. Can't you get something a bit nicer? We're going to the White House tomorrow..."

"I don't want to get anything expensive, Kazuma. Come on, you know me."

"I appreciate you being frugal, but…"

"But what?"

Megumin turned to face him.

"Sure, it's not leather or anything… but it's not ugly. And I like the color."

"Fine, be my guest and show up to the White House with a $25 purse."

"I don't think David will care either way."

"Why are you so comfortable calling him that?!"

"He asked to go by his first name. It'd be rude to keep calling him Mr. President."

"That's the opposite of rude!"

Megumin scratched her head; she looked like she was trying to remember something.

"Ah! Kazuma, don't you need a briefcase?"

"That I do."

They headed over to look at the briefcases.

"Oi, Kazuma, are you trying to outspend me or something?"

"With how little you spent, it's not too hard to do..."

"$200 is a lot, Kazuma."

Hah. Most women who'd met the President probably owned a purse that cost more than that: Megumin was just absurdly frugal. And this briefcase was way bigger than a purse. Besides, if Kazuma was going to be lugging around a briefcase every day it might as well be a nice one.

"True, but I think it's a good investment. Also..."

Kazuma leaned close to whisper in her ear.

"I can write this off as a business expense on our taxes."

"Heh. You always liked finding ways to get around taxes. Like back in Belzerg…"

"Hey! This isn't tax fraud: it's actually legal!"

Megumin gave him a subtle eye-roll.

"Whatever. Let's go pay."

Kazuma picked up the $200 briefcase and they both went to make their purchases. After they got back to the apartment, Kazuma took out the various hygiene products they'd bought and placed them on the kitchen table, looking at Megumin expectantly.

"I can't read, so you're going to have to explain how these work."

Oh boy. Well, thankfully he had the internet to help him.

"Kazuma? What are you doing?"

"Looking up the answer to your question on the internet. I've told you what that is, right?"

"You said there are 'websites' which have information, or entertainment… or porn. Actually, now that I think back, you said it's mostly porn. You're not looking up porn, right?"

"Of course I'm not! I do that when I'm alone! … I mean, uh… I haven't had the need recently?"

"Good job, you picked the correct answer."

After Megumin's interrogation, Kazuma did some very basic research and reported on his findings. Now informed on this important health matter, Megumin turned to face him.

"Hey, Kazuma?"

"What?"

"Thanks for helping me out with this. I really appreciate it."

Megumin gave him a warm smile.

"Don't worry about it… it's really not a big deal."

"Don't say that… Kazuma, I know you hate getting embarrassed in public like that, but you put up with it regardless. You're really the best boyfriend I could ever ask for."

"Out of all the many boyfriends you've had?"

"Can't you take a compliment?!"

"Afraid not. Might be genetic, so you may want to think twice about all those kids you want to have with me."

"Like that's gonna change my mind."

"At least you admit you're stubborn."

Kazuma smiled back at her. She truly was dead set on having children, and to be honest… he didn't really mind.

"Say, Kazuma, since you've spent the whole day helping me out… anything you want to do right now?"

"How about a movie?"

He hadn't forgotten about his plans to show her Star Wars.

"Sure, you can pick."

And so began their movie-watching experience, starting with Episode IV. He picked the Japanese dub for obvious reasons, but the fact remained that Megumin couldn't read the kanji, or the kana for that matter, of the title crawl. So he narrated the text in his most dramatic voice. The rest of the movie began.

...

A terrible weapon looms over a peaceful world. An entire planet, billions of souls, lies in the balance. The heroine begs for mercy, but her captors refuse. Forced to watch as her own planet is destroyed, our heroine looks on in horror. The green lasers fire, and… Megumin, to his right, inhales sharply.

"EXPLOSION!"

Megumin yells, excitedly, as the fictional planet ceases to exist.

"The hell is wrong with you?!"

"What? It's an explosion."

"Think about how the people of Alderaan feel!"

"I don't think they're feeling much of anything now."

Was he dating a psychopath? Is this what they meant by warning signs? Megumin seemed to be enjoying the movie, though, so he put aside his concerns. As the film reached its end...

"EXPLOSION! But wait, now the Death Star can't explode any more planets… I'm feeling conflicted..."

Kazuma ignored her inane ramblings and tried to enjoy the end of the movie. As the credits rolled, Megumin let out her inner film critic.

"An excellent movie, if I do say so myself. Space battles, magic, explosions… 91 points out of 100. Did they make a sequel?"

"A sequel? They made 10! … About five of them were really good and the rest were mediocre."

"Which five?"

Kazuma shrugged.

"No one can agree which five, the only consensus is that about half the movies are great, and the other half aren't."

"Hm… Back in Belzerg, lots of plays get sequels, too, and they usually aren't very good. They'll keep making sequels until they're so bad that audiences can't be bothered to see the next one."

"Congratulations, you just described the movie industry."

"Guess our worlds aren't so different after all."

"Guess not."

Despite this apt observation by Megumin, they ended up finishing the original trilogy. Megumin really enjoyed it, though she looked a bit sad when the second Death Star was destroyed. After they were done, Megumin turned to him.

"Look, I can sympathize with the Rebellion, I really can, but the Empire's just so cool..."

"Doesn't the whole oppressive dictatorship thing put a damper on that, though?"

"Didn't say they weren't evil, just that I like the aesthetic. I'm a Crimson Demon: appearances come first."

"Yet today you got the cheapest purse in the whole store."

"I was really poor growing up, you know! ... Old habits die hard."

"I know, I know… Good thing we have money now, right?"

"Yeah, and speaking of work..."

"Our trip to the White House..."

Kazuma sighed as he thought about their upcoming meeting with the President. Just thinking about it got him all stressed.

"Kazuma..."

Megumin held his hand and smiled at him.

"It's going to be fine."

"Promise not to embarrass me too much?"

"I'll try my best. You do get easily flustered, though..."

"Oi!"

Kazuma nudged her playfully. With Kazuma's mind now slightly more at ease, the young couple started their nightly routine. Kazuma decided to prepare an actual meal this time, rather than instant ramen. With his somewhat decent knowledge of cooking from his days on Earth and his Cooking skill, he was actually pretty competent in the kitchen.

"You're quite the cook, Kazuma."

"You haven't even tried it yet! And it's really not that hard, if you learned the Cooking skill I'm sure you could do this, too."

Of course, she could learn the normal way, without having the skills system boost her performance, but Kazuma knew she didn't have the patience for that. He didn't either: without the Cooking skill he'd probably be mediocre at best.

"But then I'd have to spend skill points on something other than Explosion."

She needed to say no more. He didn't really mind, to be honest. Working for Project Excalibur sure beat having to find actual jobs. And it was all thanks to Megumin's explosion magic.

While he was cooking, Megumin went to go feed Chomusuke. When he was done, he brought out plates with the meal he'd prepared: chicken with salad on the side. He brought two cups of water, but Megumin got up to get herself a glass of milk.

"Why the milk?"

"Bringing up my childhood reminded me… I've got years of malnourishment to undo."

Kazuma looked at her. She definitely didn't care about getting taller, that was for sure…

"Boobs?"

"Boobs."

"I'm pretty sure the milk thing is a myth."

"No harm in trying though..."

"I guess not."

Kazuma did like bigger breasts, true, but he liked Megumin's just fine the way they were. He definitely didn't support her doing anything excessive to make them grow, but if it was just a glass of milk… she might as well. They both dug into their food.

"Itsh really good, Kashuma!"

"Don't talk with your mouth full!"

Megumin chewed and swallowed.

"Sorry. It really turned out great, though."

"Glad you like it."

They ate rather quickly, and were now nearly done with their meal.

"Hey, Kazuma?"

"Yeah?"

"After what I did to you last night..."

He remembered her sex rampage vividly.

"Go on..."

"Are you… still up for that tonight?"

"... This isn't like you, Megumin. Usually you drag me, or tackle me, or..."

"I know… but I wanted to really give you a chance to say no. I promise I won't get mad."

Kazuma looked over at her. Even with bits of chicken in her teeth, she was still sexy as hell.

"I appreciate the concern, but..."

He gave her a lecherous grin.

"I'm totally down for that. But I like it when you're assertive; just asking like this isn't the same."

They both quickly finished the last scraps off their plates.

"Well, as long as you like it that way..."

Megumin got up and dragged him by the shirt collar to the bed. She tackled him, and they both landed on the mattress, bouncing slightly, with Megumin pinning Kazuma down. She kissed him hungrily; he could feel her desire. The clothes flew off, and the young couple made love, as had become their daily tradition. After love had been made, Kazuma and Megumin were huddled close together under the covers.

"Megumin?"

"Kazuma?"

"I love you so much."

"Love you, too."

The lovers fell asleep soon after, distracted momentarily from the long day ahead of them.

A/N: Okay, so I managed to get this chapter out within about a week, which I'm happy about. Sorry if you were expecting smut at the end, lol. There will be more smut, I assure thee. Anyway... Writing these weekend chapters (18-21) has been really damn difficult for me for some reason. Actually, screw that, I know exactly why it's hard. These chapters have essentially been a B-plot, where the A-plot is what's going on at Excalibur HQ, the White House, etc. I didn't want to cut it, because it's important for keeping the pacing consistent. There have been exactly zero time-skips longer than a few hours so far, so I need to keep it that way unless I have a really good reason. And leaving out their first weekend in New York City just felt wrong. Coming up with a good "slice of life"-style subplot, which is what I was going for, was difficult. So much of the plot is driven by the dialogue because, well, it's the weekend. Kazuma and Megumin can do whatever the hell they want. So what they end up doing depends on what they decide to do. This is hard. Maybe I should watch more "slice of life" anime to up my game. Nagatoro, while epic, isn't very instructive since the MCs' tsundere levels are off the charts compared to Kazuma and Megumin. Also, while I'm on the topic of anime, yes, the title of this fic is a blatant reference to Saga of Tanya the Evil. In case "loli joins the military" didn't ring any bells, lol. Sorry for the rambling, just wanted to get out my thought process in case people have any advice for me. I'll be traveling for a bit over a week in a few hours, so the next chapter may be a bit late. Please leave reviews! Bye.