So I found this story I started a LONG time ago. I only have this chapter written and I must have forgotten about it. But if there is some interest...I'd like to see where it goes. I can't say I'll update it as quickly as "I Choose You" but I'm definitely interested in a short story roll out with this.
Set after "Burned". What would have happened if Olivia had gone up to his apartment and they crossed that line. This chapter starts a few months after and the aftermath of what they did. (I'll probably back track in memories to explore that first night at some point) Elliot wants more but Olivia isn't ready or willing to believe he wants her too. Can he make her understand what she means to him? Can he make her stay?
If there is interest I'll work on the next few chapters when I can!
It had been a very long day. It had been a long week. Hell...it had been a long few months. Elliot was tired. His body ached. In more ways than one. He was craving her. That was nothing new. He had craved her for years...but now that they had crossed that line and he knew what it was like to be with Olivia Benson mind, body, and soul...it was a different kind of craving.
He felt consumed by her. Every move she made. Every sound she made. In and out of bed...it was too much. Since that night she showed up at his apartment with a cup of coffee for him, and the tea for her...everything had changed. For the last four months they had been sleeping together. It was intense. Very intense.
He didn't know sex like that. His sex life with Kathy...while had been satisfying...wasn't anything like this. This primal need. She unleashed something in him. The way her body moved, the way she touched him, ran her hands, her lips, tongue and teeth over him. The look in her eyes she gave him when she knew she had him right where she wanted him. It was intoxicating and he wanted it all.
The only problem was...it was becoming increasingly clear they weren't on the same page. In the beginning, it was all so confusing so it didn't bother him when she didn't stick around after. In fact the first few weeks, he welcomed it. They found each other at the end of the day, got what they needed and she took off as quickly as it had started. On the rare occasion she let him come to her house, she kicked him out. He had tried to protest a few times but the walls went back up. He could see them being built brick by brick but she'd play coy and say that they had work early. That they couldn't screw up their work relationship.
And while the thought of losing her as his partner scared him...not trying to see what this could really be scared him more. He wanted her. Not just her body. He wanted her to give herself to him. Not just sexually. But in every sense of the word. He wanted her to tear down the wall and let him love her the way she deserved. If she could just let go she'd realize how much he loved her.
And so he made a decision. He knew she'd come. Today had been rough on all of them. They both needed the release. He moved on instinct when he heard her knocking on the door. He would let her in...let her take what she needed. And then he'd make her stay. She had to stay…
The door opened and there she stood, all legs, curves and bronzed skin. He swallowed the lump in his throat and she sauntered in, pulling at her coat.
"I would have been over sooner. Munch was in a mood...he talked my ear off." She tossed her coat to the couch and then turned around as he shut the door, sauntering over, she instantly attached her lips to his neck, "I was thinking maybe you'd get a head start without me…"
He bit back a groan when he felt her hands slide down the hard plane of his chest, "Olivia."
"Shh…" She said with a seductive whisper as she licked her way up his jaw, "This works better when you don't talk."
Without thinking, he grabbed her hands and pinned them at her sides. She stumbled back slightly, and for a moment he saw a look of panic, fear. His heart ached. But it quickly subsided when she quirked an eyebrow at him and bit her lip in that way that sent shivers down his spine.
"Oh...so you want to be in charge tonight?" She yanked her hands free of his grasp and started to back up, "Fine by me. Where do you want me?"
He rolled his neck, hearing the crack in his shoulders, "Olivia."
She had been pulling at her shirt and she sighed, "Oh don't tell me you're not in the mood Stabler. I know you better than that. Today sucked. You need this. We both need this."
He took two steps towards her and she faltered, "I want it."
A slow seductive smile spread on her lips again and she tugged at her shirt, "Good."
Before she could pull it off, he grabbed for the hem and she gave him a look. He shook his head. He had plans. Usually they came together hard and fast. It was a frantic dance of body parts, shedding clothes, intense passion and the need for release. But tonight he wanted to savor it. He wanted to have her begging him for more. He wanted her to feel exactly what he had to offer her.
She tried to pull away again and he shook his head more adamantly. He saw her swallow hard, unsure of herself, unsure of him. He cocked his head towards the bedroom, "Bed."
A slight tremor made its way down her back and she could feel the warmth pool between her legs. The things this man did to her were sinful. She had been with many men in her life. More than she'd care to admit. But no one had the power to set her over the edge the way he could. If only it wasn't just-
She shook the thought from her head knowing better. That wasn't her life. She had given that dream up years ago. And now that she had Elliot at least in the physical sense she was going to hold onto it as long as she could. At least until he fell in love with someone and she'd have to worry about that when it happened. For now...she'd enjoy the fact that he wanted her physically. For now...that was enough.
She kicked off her shoes, then turned on her heel and started to walk towards the bedroom. She put a little more sway in her step and she heard him walking behind her. When she got into his room, she saw the bed was unmade. The sheets were still rumpled up, probably from their last encounter and she felt another rush of need course through her. Turning back around, she saw Elliot standing closer than she had expected. She gasped slightly and stepped back again, feeling the back of her legs hit the bed.
Reaching out, she grabbed his arms for support so she didn't fall. He held her steady, just as he always did and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. She opened her mouth to say something, wanting to break the tension but his hands ran down her bare arms and her thoughts quickly went out the window. He was staring right at her. It was unnerving. She blinked a few times, tried to look away, but his strong hand caught her jaw and turned her to look at him. He was daring her to look him in the eye, begging her to understand something but she didn't.
"El-" Her voice cracked and she trembled when he caressed the side of her face. "What-"
"Just…" He sighed softly, feeling his resolve begin to break, "Just let me…"
"Let you what?" She asked softly, "Fuck me?" She saw his jaw clench, but not in a good way and she felt a shift, "Cuz you've been doing that for months. You don't have to ask." She tugged at her shirt and tossed it aside, "Just do it."
He bowed his head and knew this wasn't going to go the way he wanted it to. The way he needed it too, "Jesus Olivia…"
She pushed aside the panic that was starting to rise in her chest. She just needed to distract him and then everything would be okay. So she did what she knew best. She leaned in and started kissing his neck in the way that she knew drove him crazy. His hands instinctively went to her hips and they squeezed, pulled her close and she smiled.
"Good...we done talking now?" She asked, sliding her hands up the back of his shirt, "I need it El...come on. Don't make me beg…"
The feel of her hands running along his back sent that familiar pull of need coursing through him. He hated his body for betraying him but he was only human. And she was a Goddess. But damn it...she was more than that. He wanted more than that.
"No." He pulled away and she fell back onto the bed with a huff, "No Olivia."
She lay back and put a hand over her face, "God what's with you tonight?"
"Olivia." He said her name again, her full name and she didn't like it.
"Don't." She said looking up at him, "You never call me Olivia." She sat up again and reached for his belt and smiled seductively, trying to soften his mood, "Whatever is clearly bothering you will go away if you just let me…"
He stilled her hands, though it took all his damn strength to do so, "I don't want that."
She looked up at him, a smug smirk on her face, "Really? Because from where I'm sitting...it looks like you do." He growled at her and she laughed, "There's no shame in it El. We're two consenting adults who happen to be really good at fucking each others brains out."
He yanked her hands away and stepped back, "Jesus."
Realizing that he wasn't going to drop whatever it was that was bothering him, she pulled herself off the bed, "Okay then. If we're not going to-"
She was halfway to the door with her shirt in her hands when she felt him grab her arm and spin her back into his arms afraid to let her leave, "Olivia."
She let out an exasperated groan, "What is wrong with you? You either do or don't want to have sex? It's a simple question Elliot. What's with the hot and cold routine? If you want me just take me. If not...I'm a big girl. I can take the rejection."
"I want you." He said again pleading with her to understand him, "God I want you. But not…"
"Not what?" She asked, a curious look on her face, "You want to try something different?" He didn't answer and she sighed, "I mean...there are a few things I'd be willing to try but-"
"Olivia please." He said, his eyes closed tightly, why couldn't she understand him? She usually read his mind like a book but why couldn't she understand now? "Just stop."
She shrugged her shoulders at him, "You're not making any sense Elliot. We have a routine. Work sucks. We end up at each other's house and we have mind blowing meaningless sex. I know this is a relatively new concept for you but it's really okay. I don't expect-"
"I expect." He said quickly, and she stepped back again, clearly taken aback by his tone and aggression, "I expect...I want-" He held his hands out to her as if in prayer and he bit his lip, "Damn it...I want to make love to you Olivia. I don't want to fuck you. Not that I don't love that too...but I want more. I want you to let me in. Not just a little bit...all the way."
She tried to break the tension with a joke, despite the fact that her mind was reeling. She heard what he was saying but it couldn't be possible. There was no way Elliot Stabler was asking her for more. Telling her he wanted her and not just a little bit. But all of her. So she did the one thing she knew how to do, pushed him away with a terribly timed joke. "I have let you in. You know when we're...you're technically in-"
"Christ." He turned from her, the tension was radiating off him in waves, "This is all a joke to you? Everything's a fucking joke to you."
She suddenly felt cold and she quickly pulled her shirt over her head again, "Come on El…"
"Don't." He said, shaking his head, "Just don't." He turned all the way around, slumped his shoulders and she wanted to reach for him. Wanted to pull him towards her, make him just forget whatever it was he was trying to say. They didn't need to do this. She knew she wasn't that girl that got the guy she wants. But she had accepted that if she could just have sex, then that would be enough. "I can't do this."
Her legs trembled and she wanted to tell him that she needed him too but she couldn't find the words, "El...it's just sex. It doesn't have to be so complicated."
She saw the rise and fall of his shoulders, and heard the ragged breathing. He turned back to her and she saw a fire in his eyes that she hadn't expected. He took three big steps towards her and crowded her personal space. She gasped when she felt him pull her against him and crush his lips to hers. She melted into his embrace and whispered, "See? I was right. You do want me. Now go lie on the bed and-"
"Fucking hell." He pulled again again and shoved her back, "You want a quick fuck Liv? Go call one of your other boytoys. You're not getting that from me. Not anymore."
Her mouth hung open in shock, "Excuse me?"
He stood there, hands on his hips, angry and hurt, "I don't want sex." He said sternly, his voice low and pained, almost desperate. "I want you Olivia. Okay? I want you. Not just in my bed. I want you in my life."
She stepped back again and bumped into the dresser feeling the heat rise up in her body, "Stop."
"I want you as my partner." She cringed and he pushed on knowing he had to lay it all on the line, "Not my partner at work. I want you here. Everyday. Everynight. I want you to stay after I take you to bed. I want you to let me touch you...because you want me but not just for release after a bad day. I want you to let me touch you because you need me. The way that I need you. I want to love you in every fucking sense of the word. That's what I want Olivia."
She turned from him and started to walk towards the door, "Damn it Elliot."
He didn't hesitate in following her, he crowded her space again knowing this was it. There was no turning back now, "Don't you run away."
She yanked away from him as if he had burned her flesh, "Don't touch me."
"Olivia." He said frantically, "For fuck sake...just stop running." She pulled away again and his anger doubled, "Stop running! Stop running from this, from me, from us!"
She stopped then, he could hear her breathing coming in hard and fast. He felt the tremor in her voice and he knew what she was going to say before she said it. Knowing it was coming should have made it hurt less but it didn't.
"There is no us." She said as she grabbed his hands and slowly pushed them off of her, "It was just sex Elliot. It was always just sex."
She was at the door now, ready to pull it open. His voice startled her mostly because she assumed he had given up given her last comment. But he sounded calm and sure. "Bullshit."
She stopped again, she could feel the walls closing in around her, threatening to swallow her whole. She was sure this was one of those moments that years down the line she would look back on and realize it was a turning point. Whatever happened next would determine the rest of her life. And for Olivia Benson? That was the most terrifying thought of all. "What?"
"Bullshit." He said more forcefully, "It was never just sex Olivia. Even that first night...it was never just sex. Not for me. And I know you well enough to know that it wasn't that for you either."
She glared at him, she could feel her lip trembling but she was determined not to cry in front of him, "Don't assume you know me Stabler."
"I know you." He said walking to her again, a look of pure determination on his face,"I know you better than anyone else in this world. Probably even better than you know yourself. That's why you're so fucking scared."
Her back was pressing into the doorknob and it shot a jolt of pain through her back but she welcomed it, needing it to ground her in this moment. "I'm not scared."
"Yes. You are." He said resting his hands on either side of her face on the door. "You're terrified of what this really is because you don't believe that you're supposed to have this. But that's crap. You Olivia Benson deserve more than just mindless sex. I hate that you think otherwise. I'm asking you to let me show you how much you are worth."
"Don't." She said pressing further into the doorknob. Damn him. Damn him for knowing her so fucking well. She had to get out of here. She had to get out of here fast. "Just don't."
"I'm asking you to let me in." He said cupping her face with one hand, his voice went down an octave, turned into a begging whisper, a plea to her, "Stay. Stay with me tonight. And every fucking night after...stay Olivia. Stop running from me. I can't take it anymore. I lo-"
"Stop." She pushed hard against his chest, he stumbled but only slightly and she gathered her strength because she couldn't handle the words that were about to come out of his mouth. He couldn't say that. Not to her. Because God she loved him more than she thought was possible but he could never and would never love her. He was just lonely and she was the first warm body he could reach out to. "You're wrong. You're not thinking clearly-"
She turned to exit again but he pushed the door shut as soon as it opened and he pulled her against him. He felt her shaking, felt the sobs that were threatening to release from her chest. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hurt every person that had caused this woman pain. Had made her think she didn't deserve more. Made her afraid of love. Afraid of him. He wanted to hold her until she saw what he was offering was something good...not something terrifying.
"If you walk out that door…" He whispered against her neck, he heard the crack in his voice but he had to say it, had to lay it on the line once and for all "Olivia...if you walk out that door…"
"If I walk out that door what?" She challenged, but he heard the pain in her voice, the absolute fear, "What Elliot?"
"Then don't try and come back." He felt her slump slightly, "If I can't have you fully...if you won't let me love you...then I don't want you at all."
He heard her breath hitch in her throat and for just a moment he thought maybe he got through to her. Maybe at least for tonight, she'd break down the wall not wanting to lose him. He wanted to believe their connection was strong enough to pull her into him. To make her feel what he was offering, to believe in him despite all she had endured. But when he felt her go stiff again and nudge him back with her elbow...he knew it wasn't going to turn out the way he wanted it too. She didn't say anything, didn't look back at him and he didn't have the strength to try and pull her back again. The door shut tight with a bang and a rush of cool air. His fists fell against the wood hard. And he lifted them again, slamming them down as hard as he could
TBC?