Wasn't going to post so soon but I have zero self control lol. So here ya go! It's shorter than usual but it works for where I need to be.
ManderleyLane - this update is for you! :)
Elliot spent most of the night tossing and turning. More than once had gotten up, dressed and gone all the way down to his car. Every time he chickened out. Telling himself she would refuse him. Telling himself she needed space. Telling himself that once the emotion settled she'd come to him.
But now…
Now he was sitting in his car parked outside the precinct. And one thought plagued his mind.
What if she left?
What if he walked up there only to have Cragen tell him she has transferred again? Or went undercover? What if she quit? What if she just couldn't handle it anymore?
What if this really was it?
A knock on his window made him jump. And for a fraction of a second he thought it would be her. Instead, it was Munch. Dragging himself from his car, he tried to put a stoic face on. Tried to hide the war that was raging inside him. All the while it burned and scared every piece of him.
John peered into the passenger seat, "No Liv this morning?"
Elliot froze. Those words raised the worry in his belly. No Liv.
"Uh...she didn't need a ride." He brushed past him and walked towards the building.
John fell into step behind him, "Hm. Did she have a hot date last night? She was pretty determined to get out of here."
Elliot faltered again. She had been in a hurry to leave. To get to him. But where had she gone after he blew it all to hell? Had she run to someone else? The thought ignited more fear, more rage, more confusion.
"Earth to Elliot." Munch waved a hand in front of his face, "You still with me?"
Elliot's eyes snapped up to his friend, "What?"
Munch frowned, "You totally went dark there for a second. I mentioned Liv having a hot date and you" Elliot growled and John pointed at him, "Ah there it is again!"
Elliot knocked shoulders with him and walked on, "Shut up John."
He chuckled behind him, "Oh I see. You're officially divorced and now you're finally seeing what was right in front of you all along?"
Elliot spun around, "John-"
"Elliot, I've been divorced too many times to discuss. I get it. But be careful. If this is some rebound thing-"
Elliot stepped up to him quickly, "Nothing-I wouldn't-she's not a-" His words were all jumbled and he sighed heavily, "John…"
His old friend smiled, "I'm just saying...think. Okay? Whether it is or isn't happening. Just think. And put yourself in her shoes."
Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat as John walked away leaving him standing there alone. Was that what she thought? That this was only a rebound? He was lonely after the divorce?
Her words muddled his memory:
You're wrong. You're not thinking clearly.
She thought she wasn't important. She thought he was lonely. She thought that he was mourning his wife. His marriage. She didn't really believe he was madly, hopelessly in love with her. Dear God she didn't know. How could she not know?
He cringed then. Of course she didn't. He'd worked so damn hard to hide it. But now he didn't need to. They didn't need to. He was single. And this wasn't a rebound. This was real. This was everything. She had to know. He had to tell her.
Spinning around, he chased after John to catch the elevator. Please God he thought, please let her be here.
Because if she wasn't...he knew he'd never see her again.
Olivia had spent most of the night pacing. Then crying. Then contemplating packing a bag. On more than one occasion she even searched for plane tickets to anywhere but here. But then, she'd snap the computer shut and curse herself.
The thought of never seeing him again was too painful. So she stayed put. The only problem was, now that she was outside the precinct, the thought of seeing him was terrifying. He was going to hate her. Even if what she believed was true. Even if he really didn't love her, he was still going to be angry. He'd been angry with her a million times before. But this felt worse than any other time. This felt unfixable.
She was staring up at the familiar building, the very place she spent more time in than her home, and she was thinking you ruined it all. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't realize Fin was standing beside her.
"What are we doing?" Her head snapped towards him, "You think you're so good at your job you can just not even go in and solve the crimes?"
A nervous laugh escaped her lips and she looked away, "No. Sorry. I'm just...tired."
Fin sighed and shrugged, "Story of our lives. I don't think I haven't been tired since I joined the academy. But it's the life we chose. Right?"
He started to walk away but she didn't follow. Yes. She had chosen this life. Even when so many people told her not too. But she had been determined. Determined to solve the type of crimes so many shied away from. Determine to find justice for all the victims whose voices needed to be heard. Determined to feel like her life hadn't been a mistake, hadn't been for naught.
What she didn't choose was him. Elliot had never been part of her plan. Her life, her story was set. She knew that. She felt it deep in her heart. That world where everything worked out and you found happiness and love? That wasn't the life for her.
Maybe there had been a brief moment in time when her eyes saw him for the first time. Maybe she had seen it all laid out in front of her. But it had dissolved just as quickly as it came when she saw the gold band on his finger. Even if he was single now...she wasn't the one.
She was just familiar. Someone he trusted. And after such a long marriage, he needed familiar. Needed trust. And she had been there with open arms. And God wasn't it beautiful? Didn't it feel so damn good? Too good?
But that was then. And this was now.
Reality set in. And it was time to face the music.
Fin was looking at her again, worry showed on his face, "You okay?"
She offered a smile and tried to push past him, "I'm fine."
He blocked her path, "No. You aren't. I know you better than that." Her eyes were wide, she chewed on her lower lip, "What the hell did he do?"
Olivia stepped back, "What? Who?"
Fin rolled his eyes, "Your partner. Who else would I be talking about?"
Olivia shook her head and walked past him again, she could physically feel her heart trying to burst from her chest, "Fin, stop. He didn't do anything. Okay? Nothing is wrong. I'm just tired."
His voice startled her and she froze, "Then whatever you're thinking...you're wrong."
Her head turned towards him slowly, "What?"
Fin walked up to her again, "Whatever is making you think you need to run again." He saw her try and argue but he just smiled, "Girl you got your running shoes on. Don't deny it."
She looked down at her sneaker clad feet, "I walked to work. I was trying to be comfortable."
"You walked to work because you didn't want Stabler to pick you up. Because you're thinking something crazy. Even though you said he did nothing. And now you want to run." She didn't respond and he smiled, "Told you I know you."
Olivia shifted her weight from foot to foot, "I'm not running. I'm...I'm mulling something over."
Fin smiled and shrugged, "Whatever you say Liv. But do me a favor?" Olivia looked at him expectantly, "While you're mulling it over, try not to puke. And if you do...aim for Munch. Not me."
She put a hand to her face, "Do I look that bad?"
Fin smiled sadly, "You're beautiful as always. But...you do look like you just lost your best friend."
Fin walked away again and she whispered to herself, "That's because I did…"
Upstairs, Elliot was trying to keep calm. But not seeing her sitting there made his anxiety even higher. Yes everything was still on her desk where she had left it. But who's to say she wouldn't just leave it all behind? Leave him behind?
He was sitting at his desk, tapping his foot against the floor. His hands were clenched and his eyes were staring hard at her empty chair. Maybe if he stared long enough she'd just appear.
The thing was...as much as it killed him to think she wouldn't believe him. That they couldn't make it work...he'd sacrifice all of that just to have her in his life. He'd backtrack on all of it. As long as he just got to see her. Be near her. Breathe the same damn air as her. Their time apart while she was undercover proved to him he couldn't function without her. If he could just get her to agree to be friends...though it would break his heart he'd do it. At least then he would have part of her.
But if he could make her see what they could be. If she could trust him. If she could push past her fears and all the times she was told she wasn't good enough..well how damn good would that be? He'd give her anything. All she had to do was ask. Kids? Marriage? A house in the suburbs? He'd do it. No kids? Unmarried? Living in an apartment? Fine. He'd do it. As long as it meant being with her.
But could she do it? Could she let him in?
He didn't know. But what he did know was that she had to show up first…
"Your tapping is giving me a headache." Cragen's voice boomed from behind him.
Elliot spun in his chair and let his hands fall to his lap, "Cap?"
"Did you down six cups of coffee before getting here? You're wired."
Elliot shook his head quickly, "One cup."
Cragen narrowed his eyes at him. His movements were frantic. His eyes kept shifting all around the room, "Christ, are you on drugs?"
Elliot jumped, "What? No! No Cap. God no. I'm not. It's not...I'm fine."
Cragen crossed his arms over his chest, "Well something's wrong. The kids okay?" Elliot nodded, "Divorce settlements-"
"No. No kids are fine. Kathy's fine." His eyes shifted to Olivia's desk again, "Uh...any idea where Liv is?"
Cragen stood up a little straighter, "I assume on her way in. Why?"
Elliot looked over at him and shrugged, "She didn't call out or anything?"
The older man took a tentative step towards him, "No. Why would she?" Eliot shook his head, "Elliot…"
"Uh oh." Fin's voice pulled them from their standoff, "Someone in trouble already? Too damn early for this shit."
Elliot looked over at Fin, ready to make a quick remark. But his breath got caught in his throat. Right behind him was Olivia. The universe spun for a minute. Was he hallucinating? Blinking, he looked again. And there she was. "Liv."
Cragen, John and Fin looked from Elliot to Olivia quickly, "Morning." She quickly looked away, not enjoying the attention. "We catch a case?"
Cragen watched Olivia walk to her desk, "You feeling okay Detective?"
Dropping her bag on her desk, she glanced up and frowned, "Who? Me?" Cragen nodded slowly and waited for an answer, "I'm fine. Why?"
Cragen's eyes darted towards Elliot, "Just checking."
Olivia's cheeks burned and she looked away again, "Nope. I'm totally fine. Just a normal day."
A feeling much like rage began to rise in Elliot. Just a normal day? That was the card she was going to play? Like nothing at all had happened in the last 24 hours? Hell, the last few months? His fingers curled around the back of his chair and he tried to breathe. He wanted to scream. Wanted to throw something. Wanted to make her look him in the eye and say that nothing had changed.
Cragen watched Elliot carefully, "Are you feeling okay Elliot?"
Olivia was sitting now, and she lifted her eyes a fraction of an inch to see him. She could practically see the anger rolling off of him in waves. She could feel the tension. The shift that told her no they couldn't survive this. Quickly, she stood up because she could feel the tears threatening to come. "I need to-"
She didn't finish her sentence but ran off in the direction of the bathroom. Fin looked at Munch. Munch looked at Cragen. And Cragen glared at Elliot, "Should I be looking for a replacement for Olivia again?"
The way he said it sent a jolt of panic through Elliot's spine. Replacement. One way or another it was inevitable. Wasn't it? Turning towards his boss he let out a flat, "Ask her."
Brushing past his boss he stormed down the hall and up to the locker room. Yanking the metal almost off the hinges, he started looking for his workout clothes. He had to hit something. His mind was in a place he had never been before. This wasn't healthy.
Fucking hell. He didn't know love could hurt this bad. He'd been angry with Kathy. They'd both said and done things that were hurtful. But this? This was pure torture. It was too damn much. All of it. He felt like he was slowly dying and all the while she just stood there and said it was just a normal day?
Pulling his hand back, he went to punch the locker when he saw movement to his left. He was about to shout at whoever it was to leave him the fuck alone. But then he looked. Really looked. Olivia stood there, clearly shocked to see him, thinking she was alone. Her eyes were dark and watery. Tear marks stained her face. Neither of them moved, barely breathed. As soon as he stepped forward she went to turn away, "Don't."
Breathing heavily, she pushed a hand into her belly and sighed, "El, we can't."
"Why not?" He snorted, "They all know something is going on anyway. They'll blame me for it so-"
She spun around quickly, "It's not...there isn't anything to blame anyone for."
"Isn't there?" He lifted his shoulder and shrugged, "You can tell me it's a normal day Liv. But that's one of the biggest damn lies you've ever told me. This isn't a normal day. None of this is fucking normal."
She looked down, "Please. Please just-"
"Please what?" She didn't respond, "Liv just tell me what the hell you want from me." She stepped back, "Sex? That's all you want? Is that really what this is? Because God damnit...to me it's ev-"
"Stop. Please. Just stop. I want you to stop." She whispered, but still she didn't look at him, "I want this all to stop. I never should have gone with you up to your apartment. I should have gone home that night. Then none of this would have happened. It would just be what it always was."
"Do you really believe that?" She looked up then and he sighed, "Do you really believe that even if it hadn't happened that night...that it wouldn't have happened some other night? Do you really believe that?"
She lifted her shoulders and bit down hard on her lip, "What we had before... It was...it was what it was. It worked."
He let out a strangled growl and pinched the bridge of his nose. "It was what it was? Eight years of-" He shook his head, "It was what it was? That's what you're going to say?"
"What do you want me to say?" Her voice was laced with pain and fear.
He stepped towards her, inches from her. He heard her take a sharp breath and lean away as if she was afraid he would hit her. That stung. "I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that what we did...what we have been doing for months isn't what you've wanted-"
"Stop it." She turned quickly but he blocked her path, "Elliot-"
"I want you to tell me to my face that you don't love me." He was angry now and he wished he could quiet his reaction but he felt like he was hanging off a damn cliff here, "Olivia I want you to-"
"Just stop!" She shoved him backwards and he stumbled, "Please. Please just stop. I can't. Alright? I can't?"
"You can't say it or you can't-"
"Elliot. You and I. Our partnership. It's the only damn thing I've ever had that I could believe in. The only thing that ever meant something. And I can't lose it. So we just can't."
He stared at her. This undeniably beautiful woman. This person who had flipped his world upside down. This force that both infuriated him and made him see all that was good in the world. This woman who was so clearly broken...this woman he wanted to piece back together but she wouldn't let him.
"We already lost it." The words left his mouth and he saw her retreating, "Liv...we already lost it."
He heard her bite back a cry and turn, "Fuck."
As she went to walk away again he grabbed her wrist. Just like he had that first night. He had been unwilling to let her go then. Afraid that if he did, he'd lose her forever. Now he wasn't afraid. He just knew he would. Unless...unless he lied for both of them. Just to save her. To save part of him. "I can't...I won't...what I feel is." Her eyes lifted to him, "I don't know how to get through to you. I used to know how but now you seem so damn far away. And yet you're standing right here."
Her eyes closed tight and she looked down, "El…"
"The whole time you were in Oregon I was miserable. And yet I felt closer to you then than I do right now. You're so fucking far away."
"I just can't…" Even her voice sounded far away. "Please just tell me we can still have-"
Swallowing hard he knew he had to fall on his own sword for both of them. It would kill him. But at least then he'd still have her in his life.
"Whatever you think is the reason we can't be…" His voice cracked, "Whatever you're thinking. It's wrong. But if you need me to be your partner and nothing more?" He could tell she was holding her breath, "Then fine."
"Fine?" Her eyes searched his carefully, "El-"
"Whatever you want Liv. We'll do whatever you want."
He stepped away. Feeling his heart rattling in his chest as he moved. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. This wasn't what he wanted and he knew it wasn't what she wanted either. But there was no fixing this. No getting through to her.
She stood there. Clearly either confused or scared. When he didn't say another word she relaxed. And for a moment, a brief, fleeting moment he wondered, if I do this now, will she finally truly trust me?
If he backed away. If he gave her space. Would she come back to him? Would she see how damn much he loved her if he sacrificed it all for her? Would this be worth it in the end?
Or...would he live forever with regret?
Taking a deep breath she walked towards the door, "I want to go back to work."
He reached out for the locker handle behind him and nodded, "Okay."
Glancing back at him she asked, "Are we-"
"Yup." He tried to smile but he had to turn at the last second.
"El, I mean can we really-"
His hands clung to the metal edge of his locker, "Whatever you want Liv we'll do."
"Partners." She whispered. "I want to be partners."
He had to squeeze his eyes tight.
Partners.
That word had so many damn meanings. But the one he wanted it to mean felt so out of reach. Impossible to find.
"Partners." He looked back at her and smiled, "We'll always be partners Liv. Always."
She let out a little sigh of relief and pointed at the door, "So, I'll see you down-"
"Yeah. I just need a minute." He smiled sadly and looked away, "I'll be there." She hesitated, clearly waiting for the fall out but he smiled, "I'll be right there Liv."
He watched her step away. Heard the door shut. Sitting down on the bench, his fingers tapped against the surface. He breathed. Trying to make sense of it all. He would be her partner. Be her friend. Be whatever she asked him to be. But he would never pretend it didn't break his fucking heart.
Downstairs, Olivia walked straight to her desk without looking up. It didn't matter though. She knew the three of them were looking at her.
Don approached her first, "Olivia."
"Sorry Cap. My sleeping patterns have been all off since Oregon. I'm just...tired." She gave him a small smile. "I'll be on time tomorrow."
As her Superior, he could have pushed her. Could have forced her to tell him what was going on. As her friend however, he backed away. No one wanted to see her run again. With a slight nod he asked, "Is your partner joining us anytime soon?"
Partner.
She didn't know how to respond. Didn't know what to say.
"He's here." Elliot said as he walked past his boss. "We got something?"
She realized she had stopped breathing when Cragen asked her the question. But seeing him now she relaxed. He was still here. Despite everything he was still here.
And maybe that meant-
No. Don't go there Olivia. You can't go there. It isn't meant to be. He looked up at her again, and a memory washed over her. One she had told herself had only been a dream. Not reality. But now she wondered...had it been real?
Somehow in the aftermath of it all she had fallen asleep. Even just briefly. It had been over a month since this started. Whatever this was. But she had been clear in her own mind that there had to be boundaries. And sleeping in his bed was one of those boundaries she couldn't cross. Unfortunately for her, an extremely long case and two and a half glasses of red wine had led her here.
She was half way between consciousness and dreamland, but felt a stirring somewhere deep inside of her. A realization. A longing. If only this could be her life. It was warm, but she shivered when his fingers just barely grazed her spine. She felt him beside her. Knew he was awake. Her face was turned away from him and she held her breath. If he knew she was awake, the spell would be broken.
Hearing him lean closer, she felt his breath on her skin. Still she held her breath. She knew her body would betray her if she didn't. And then...she felt it...heard it.
"Liv?" His lips grazed her shoulder. She didn't dare move, didn't dare breathe life into this moment, "Are you awake?" She stayed silent and she heard him sigh, "If you are...I want you to know. I love you."
She told herself she was dreaming. Told herself this wasn't real. It couldn't be.
She heard him sigh again and begin to climb out of bed. Hearing him move to the bathroom, she turned her head to look at the space he had just occupied. Her brain was still fuzzy from the wine. Her body still ached from the way he touched her. The way he lov-
A small cry left her lips and she sat up. No. She was tipsy. Maybe he was drunk. It didn't mean…
Or maybe she had heard what she had wanted to hear and he said something else entirely. Because there was no way…
She heard him shuffling around in the bathroom and she knew the spell was broken. She had to leave. Had to place that boundary up. Alcohol, exhaustion and two partners weren't a good mix. Scrambling off the bed, she started to look for her clothes that had been scattered around in the room. As she dressed she told herself to remain calm so he didn't suspect anything. She was fully dressed by the time he emerged from the bathroom. He was still naked, and he stood there in the doorway, staring at her. And God it would have been so easy too…
She smiled and brushed some hair away from her face, "Hey. Sorry. Didn't mean to fall asleep."
He walked into the bedroom, reached for his boxers and tugged them on, "It's okay."
She glanced at the clock, "I'm just going to-"
His hand shot out, just like that first night. The word was on the tip of his tongue, stay. He wondered for a moment if she had been awake. If she was running now because of it. "It's okay if you want to-"
"No. No, it's alright. My stuff's at my house. And if I go to work in the same clothes Fin and Munch will have a field day and I-"
He stepped closer, unwilling to let her fo. "Screw Fin and Munch."
His voice still sounded low, laced with alcohol and she cringed. He was just drunk. She had to lighten the mood. Make a joke so she didn't break in front of him. "What, making your way through the precinct now that you're a free man Stabler?"
Free man. She saw him step back. Saw the light leave his eyes. Saw the hurt. She turned away and he let her hand go. "No."
Reaching past him she grabbed her phone, "I'll see you in the morning."
"It is morning." He glanced at the clock that said 2am. "You've had something to drink. Do you want me to drive you-"
"No. You've had something to drink too. I'll catch a cab." He gave her a look and she shrugged, "I've taken care of myself this long El. I can handle it. I'll see you in the morning."
His shoulders slumped and he sat down on the bed. She didn't need him. She was putting up the wall again. "Okay."
"I uh…" She felt her head screaming, felt her heart aching, felt her body fighting the urge to tackle him to the bed and ask him if he meant it, felt herself urging her mouth not to say the same words, "I had fun."
He cocked his head to the side and sighed, "Yeah. Fun."
"See ya El." She turned and walked out of his room without looking back, but she didn't have to turn around to know he was still watching her too.
Looking back at him, she saw that just like that night he was watching her. Waiting for her to make the next move. Because after all, wasn't it all up to her? Hadn't he told her what he wanted? She just didn't want to believe it. She still didn't believe it. She couldn't believe it. They were only partners.
Partners.
She knew who they were if they were partners. But couldn't partners mean something else?
Looking at him now. Across from her. Like he had been for so long. This was safe. This was what she knew. It didn't hold the possibility of shattering her to her soul. And yet it did. Either way she'd still be madly in love with him. So what did it matter if she just jumped off the edge?
"You two going to join us today or…?" Cragen's voice startled her again.
She looked back at her boss and nodded, "Yeah. What do we have?"
Cragen looked between them both again, very aware that the thing he had been dreading yet hoping for was unraveling before his eyes. "Vic down at Mercy. 22. Attacked last night outside her NYU dorm. Says she knows the attacker but is afraid to give his name."
Olivia looked at Elliot. He looked at her. Waiting. Always waiting. Lifting herself up and away from her desk she nodded, "We're on it." Grabbing her coat and her bag she looked at Elliot, "Coming?"
He took a slow breath, then stood up, his voice rattled her, "Right behind you Partner."
As they walked away, Cragen, Fin and John watched them curiously. Felt the shift in the atmosphere. John was the first to say something, "So...how long has that been going on?"
Fin laughed, "At least a couple of months. Maybe since she got back from Oregon?"
Cragen sighed and shook his head, "No. It's been going on for 8 damn years."
He turned and walked back to his office, wondering what the hell was going to happen next. Fin looked at John, "We're going to lose her again, aren't we?"
John smiled sadly and put his hand on his shoulder, "We might my friend. We might."