Path of Hollowness

by KendrixTermina

Pls do NOT look at the REVIEWS someone accidentally put (very opinionated) SPOILERS in there. Anyways, the plot: Pilot Childhood Friends AU, Yui & Kyoko live, Shinji grew up with his parents, the devastation of Second Impact was avoided, but none of this will save them when the angels finally arrive. Gradual tone shift. The ReiShin plotfic I wish to see in the world.

21. 2,3,4: AUDITORY-ASSISTED MASS HARMON-

(2.3.4: AUDITORY-ASSISTED MASS HARMONIZATION)

December 2nd 2014

T minus 406 days

(Day 5)

I could tell you now that the next morning, we got right up and kicked the computer's ass straight away, but I'm sure the more discerning of you would immediately raise your skeptical eyebrows at that.

After all, we'd been making precious little progress these past four days, mostly because, for that time, Asuka wasn't even trying to match my measly excuse for movements -

We might as well be starting from scratch – more so than Mari and Rei, who could at least look back at the experience of at least one previous successful harmonization.

Where there's a will, there's a way, but you can't will yourself all the way to the other side of it: You still have to walk down the actual path.

The truth is that we ended up staying up so late that Misato came to physically drag us out of bed the next morning – honestly, we're lucky that she realized we'd been getting in some extra training and that she and Mr. Kaji both ended up thinking that the whole thing was straight up adorable, as much as Asuka might have resented that characterization – at least it meant we weren't yelled at - if it were father or Miss Ritsuko, they would never have gone so easy on us.

I dare say that Mr. Kaji even ended up remarking on a decided improvement, even though the error-noise of the motion gaming setup still kept beeping at us more often than not.

Meanwhile, Mari and Rei weren't having as easy a time as they'd each had with Kaworu – both might be described as 'brave' and 'unconventional', but there was an obvious clash in their attitudes in that Rei was more by-the-book and diligent, which Mari was… really not.

"Pilot Makinami. You are not following the instructions."

"Ah, come on, don't be a square~ You gotta be able to have a little bit of fun with your work~ The point isn't that we follow this dance, but that we sync up or movements, right?"

"That is what I am attempting, however, it is difficult to follow your movements if I cannot predict them."

"Well, if you try to follow after me it's obvious that you're gonna lag behind. You have to feel the rhythm."

"...that is a rather vague instruction. Can you explain what you mean?"

"Explain? You might as well ask me to explain the color pink to a blind dude. There's no explaining here, either you feel it, or you don't."

Poor Rei. By her standards, she was looking very, very confused.

I guess neither of them really had much of a social instinct – they both tended to stand apart from large groups, start with a bit of delay when the entire class started packing up their things for the break and so on… they didn't have much of a feel for groups or the perceptions of others, unlike me, who probably worried about this more than usual. Asuka only acted like she didn't care, but she was actually pretty concerned with looking good; Kaworu didn't have to worry, since he was very good at reading others.

Mari and Rei each sort of marched to the beats of their own drums, which might have been a commonality in other circumstances, but rather impractical when they were supposed to synchronize the clocks. At one point Mari left her post and grabbed onto Rei to show her how this supposed 'rhythm' was to be felt, to which Rei didn't complain, but didn't seem all too comfortable with…

I guess they should be grateful that they made us look less bad by comparison. After being at this for four days, we really weren't in any position to be throwing stones.

Knowing what I did now, I surely would have been stressed about Asuka feeling all pressured if they'd been showing us up without much effort…

"Oi, Mister Highscore! Stop spacing out and concentrate!"

I guess I should be grateful that Asuka was paying attention to what I was doing, at least…

So yeah. It continued to be hard, unforgiving work, and despite their initial delight at our sudden progress, the grownups weren't looking altogether convinced yet.

Misato was still looking somewhat concerned, regarding us seriously over her tented fingers when our performance disintegrated into a cacophony of beeps for the umpteenth time.

We were so close this time, too!

It was all go remarkably perfect until we were done with the second chorus, then I slipped up and that must have ruined both our concentration.

"Kids. Stop for a moment, I want to try something." she began, some calculation running behind her eyes – We were definitely talking to our superior right now, not the fun Misato.

I couldn't fathom what she might be thinking of, and Asuka looked as surprised as me.

Our surprise only deepened when the next person she addressed wasn't either of us:

"Nagisa-kun?"

"Yes?"

Since Kaworu was not currently part of the exercise, he had been sitting on the table across from the grownups.

"Can you give it a try for a bit? I want you to trade places with Asuka, just for a moment."

I understand now that this was probably a strategic consideration:

As our supervisor, she needed to know if I was gonna be able to do this at all, particularly since she hadn't got the chance to test either of us with different partners – that she made Kaworu try it with me should have been the best proof that she didn't doubt too much that Asuka could have pulled this off with, say, Mari as her partner.

That wasn't where my thoughts went back then though: Just a day before, my main worry might have been that Asuka would be mad and take it out on me – a self-centered, childish concern, perhaps… right now, after the truth was made clear to me with the subtlety of a falling cartoon anvil, I was finally asking the right question just cause I had no other choice – I feared that she might be upset, that this would feed right into her worries, and behold: As if on cue, there was, in fact, something of a lost, child-like expression spreading on her face, much like, I'd imagine, someone who was seeing the floor being pulled out right under them. Isn't it fun that the world makes so much more sense when you stop being so completely clueless about it?

Of course, every bit of hard-won insight just makes you aware of how unforgivably clueless you used to be, and how much more still lies beyond your understanding.

I hated the thought that Asuka would get all mad at Misato for this and everything would be loud & tense and filled with fights again, but I couldn't blame her.

Asuka was hardly inexpressive, she was, generally speaking, a pretty loud person who openly spoke her mind – or that's how I'd always thought of her up until that point.

I must admit now that there were always some types of feelings that she tended to keep hidden, the sort that she would deem to be weak. Misato was her boss – but I was supposed to have been her friend, and I didn't find out about this either until I witnessed her in a moment where she simply couldn't hold it in.

Even now, I can't claim that I had suddenly made a turn for the noble. I just didn't want to hear any more fighting and yelling: "Wait, no, Misato-san, don't change it up yet!" I scrambled to say something useful. "Just- just let us do try one more time, okay? Just a little longer. I promise, we're trying our hardest! Just give us one more chance! We almost had it! We're sorry we gave you so much trouble, but, I think we're getting the hang of it now, so please, let us try again- I don't mind doing it with Asuka, just- give me a little bit more time..."

I think Misato was, above all things, surprised – no wonder, really, considering that we'd just been complaining about being paired with each other for four days straight.

The most damning thing would have been that Asuka seemed surprised as well, like this was the last thing she would have expected me to do – when she noticed me looking, she reflexively tried to say something tough-sounding: "Don't you speak for me, Mister Highscore!"

Her feigned displeasure wasn't all that convincing, though.

Misato blinked at us confoundedly. "What's with this sudden change of attitude?"

Beside her, Kaji grinned: "I told you we should just give them a little bit of space. Sometimes another night is all it takes."

...is he referring to Asuka breaking the cameras?

Captain Katsuragi considered this carefully. "Look, I just want to have some rough idea of how you'd do with another partner. Once you're done, you can go back to practicing with Asuka straight away."

I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want either of them to be mad at me…

In the meantime, Kaworu had taken his position at my side.

"Don't worry, it'll be fine. This is just like playing our Duet together."

...is it…?

It kind of was. When you think about it, Kaworu and I had already had loads and loads of training at adjusting our movements to each other. Playing music together was like that, that day we danced in circles during the ice skating sessions was like that… and we both knew the choreography itself already, so, we weren't actually starting from scratch.

Even so, I didn't think that we'd clear the entire routine in one go, even while I was actually doing it – there were a couple of split second near misses when I thought I was about to lose my balance.

When I had finished, I expected to be critiqued, not to find everyone staring in awe when I finally opened by eyes. Mari outright applauded, stopping right in the middle of her own dance routine to do so – Rei continued for a few more steps before she noticed that her partner wasn't following.

I did not feel the slightest bit flattered though, nor accomplished. What joy could I have at the cost of another person's terror?

I could see that Asuka's face had just gone several shades paler; I noted the twitching of her upper lip that she was trying so hard to suppress.

I saw it because I knew to be paying attention – Kaworu, too, must have noted it, or he would have been saying something reassuring to me instead of looking concerned.

Misato did not. Of course not – Just yesterday, I don't think that I would have picked up on this either. I'd have been way too concerned with my own fear of her wrath. Like everyone else, I would have bought the illusion of her tough veneer without question, just like I had so many times before, just like Misato had, as she seemed to be under the impression that Asuka could use some more proper motivation, or perhaps even to be taken down a peg – that was basically how almost everyone thought about Asuka.

My friends, most people at school, even me, if I'm honest. I thought I understood a little more than most, but that was probably just presumption. Maybe Hikari and Mari were the ones who understood, but clearly not enough to lighten her burden.

I'm not sure Ms. Soryu really did… Misato certainly didn't:

"Well would you look at this!" she commented with a grin, "Seems to me like 'adjusting down' to Shinji-kun's level is not so impossible after all~"

To Asuka, that must have been like having salt rubbed into her wounds – and even knowing how this bothered her didn't endow me with the wisdom or ability to know what to do or say to her.

"Look, Asuka, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Oh shut it, we don't have time for those phony reflexive apologies of yours. Get back in position! We have training to do! Oi, Nagisa, out of my way!"

Kaworu politely excused himself, and we went back to training. As far as her instructions went, you might think that Asuka was pushing me harder than ever, but, I noticed also that she had decidedly increased her efforts to match my clumsy flailing.

It was hard to consider it a victory when I knew that she saw it as a humiliation she had no choice to endure, driven as if the very whips of Satan were behind her…

Of course. What was I thinking? Did I think signing up to be a soldier would be easy?

And the actual war had not even begun…

When we were let go for the lunch break, Misato took me aside.

"I know Asuka can get pretty harsh sometimes, but don't let her get you down, okay?"

But that's not it. That's not it, Misato-san. I'm not the one you should be worried about.

I'm the one who's had it easy. I got to have a normal life. I guess I only look like I'm taking this the hardest cause I'm a weak, embarrassing wimp. I can't even take a fraction of what Rei stoically suffers without flinching. Or what Asuka toughs out through sheer force of will. Or what Kaworu keeps smiling through. Or what Mari brushes off nonchalantly.

"No, it's fine – it's my own fault for being so thin-skinned I guess. I just keep making her mad, no wonder what I'd do…"

Misato's response was not exactly what I expected. Rather than saying anything reassuring, she looked me in the eye with a certain degree of severity: "So what? Are you going to stop doing things then, on the off chance that she might have something against it?"

That was the sort of statement that might count as 'complicated' for a child, since she wasn't taking either of our sides. I was sort of being scolded, but not like I would have expected.

"I- I just don't want to hurt her, or make things more difficult for her than they already are…"

"Listen, Shinji-kun, at some point you're gonna realize that no matter what you say or do, there is always gonna be someone who is gonna take offense at it. It's good that you're trying to be considerate of others, but as with all things, this should be taken in moderation – you can't always please everyone. At some point, you've gotta stop stressing about what everybody else thinks or says about you, and learn to be okay with pissing others off sometimes. You can't always avoid it, because sometimes, people being mad at you has a whole lot more to do with them than it really does with you. – I mean, are you living your life for you, or are you living it for your buddies?"

I wouldn't go that far, no. I don't think I'd even be capable of dedicating myself to anyone or anything else.

"...for myself, I think…"

"Then act like it, cause nobody else is gonna do it for you."

Then she considered her work done, and sent me on my merry way.

Or not so merry, really. I really couldn't figure out what people wanted from me. If I don't pick up on what they're thinking it's bad, but if I do, it's also bad?

Being a person is hard.

I kind of didn't want to try and find Asuka, all this negativity and just… everything… was kinda getting overwhelming. I wanted to see if I could hang out with Rei or Kaworu instead – but I felt like I ought to go after her, and not just because it was all part of this exercise.

I wondered what I'd have to do so that people wouldn't be mad at me – yeah, Misato just told me that that's impossible, but, obviously it's possible to at least not go around making people mad for the heck of it.

More than anything I was just exhausted of being stuck in this bubble all the time, doing nothing but training with little space to decompress. There was little else to really do but get into fights.

Kaworu helpfully informed me that Asuka had gone to the cafeteria rather than our lodgings (not very surprising) so that's where I went, mostly cause I didn't have the energy to make my own decision…

I didn't have to go far, though. She was leaning on a wall, not too far from our lodgings or the makeshift training room, though she hadn't gone into our quarters where the other pilots must be about to have lunch… I guess it shouldn't surprise me that she didn't want to see our faces.

I found her easily enough, but once I did, I quickly found myself wondering if I shouldn't have turned back and had lunch with the others, which was ultimately what I'd really wanted.

Asuka was in the cafeteria, just as I'd expected, and what's more, it would appear that she had ran into her mother there, and now they were sharing a table, at which Asuka was angrily biting big chunks out of her sandwich. For the sake of her stomach, I hope she was at least chewing properly.

I considered if I should maybe back out and leave, but before I got to the point of making up my mind, I was spotted by Ms. Soryu: "Hey, Shinji-kun, is that you? We're over here!"

...how could she be so chipper?

I ended up accepting the invitation mostly out of politeness, dutifully answered Ms. Soryu's various small talk questions, quietly sat down and ordered one of the cheaper things they had, though I kept quiet insomuch as I could get away with. I felt like I was intruding on their conversation, and I wasn't sure if Asuka really wanted me there…

Ms. Soryu, however, babbled on like a waterfall, either oblivious or defiant of any figurative dark clouds that might have been hovering above our heads.

"So as I was saying – I can't believe Katsuragi still insists of making you do that silly dance routine. I didn't take her for the 'my way or the highway' sort of person…"

Maybe she was trying to infect us with her good mood, but I don't think it was working much, especially not with Asuka. "It's okay Mama, you can say 'tyrant'."

Ms. Soryu chuckled, but I don't think it was supposed to be a joke.

"She just bosses us around as she pleases! Honestly, sometimes I think she goes out of her way to humiliate me…"

...did they expect me to join them in badmouthing Misato? I don't really feel comfortable doing that, sure, she'd been a little tactless there, but I didn't think she had any bad intentions… though I suppose that would be precisely what a child would think.

I could argue that Asuka's accusations didn't sound all that mature either, but Ms. Soryu saw nothing wrong with that – if anything, she agreed:

"Should I talk to the higher ups about her?"

At least, you could say that the two of them were a team.

"There's no point. That'll just paint a target on both of our back, and they'd never take me seriously again. I don't want to look like some whiny complainer, or a little girl that comes running to her mother!" it was upsetting to see Asuka sounding so deflated and pessimistic. "I hate being led on some merry dance by some frivolous tyrannical woman, but we have no choice. If I don't do it, they'll swap me out for that Nagisa boy, and then what could I say to that?"

She listlessly picked at her generous desert with a tiny fork. "I keep thinking, 'There's no way that they can treat their best pilot like this!', but, I'm not the best, aren't I? Nagisa is. I bet they wouldn't dare to threaten him with swapping him out. They couldn't afford to, cause he's the best! This would all be so much easier if I could just crack his darn record already!"

"You can't. I keep telling you, a sync rate of 500 percent is impossible. You couldn't ever reach 400 any more than you can reach the speed of light. 399 maybe, 399,9, perhaps even 399,99, but no 400. It's a singularity, a point where the math just spits out bogus - it's like the pole of a hyperbola, do you understand?"

"I know how math works, Mama."

Imagine being so smart that having something compared to math makes it more understandable.

"See? And even if it were theoretically possible, which it isn't, according to our calculations, that would kill you instantly. Which it can't, cause it's not possible, and makes no sense.

If you could go past 400, what's to stop you from going all the way to infinity, and gaining the power of a god? That sort of nonsense is maybe fun for the philosophers to speculate about, or for intrepid authors to write science fiction novels, but in real engineering, there has never been such a thing as a free lunch."

This might be down to my status as a total layman, but to me this sounds a bit odd coming from a woman whose life's work involves fighting against aliens with perpetuum mobiles.

I ended up learning later that this was an actual term or inside joke among physicists, the 'no free lunch theorem'. But wasn't I eating free lunch right now?

Though I suppose you could argue that it wasn't free for Ms. Soryu when she bought it. And I was only sitting here eating it because I'd literally sold my soul to a dubious organization, of all things, for the use as a remote control for a giant robot… cyborg..-homunculus thing.

But she was speaking with such confidence that I was inclined to believe her, seeing as I had no other means by which to judge the veracity of her claims.

Asuka's concerns, however, were not quite so academic in nature:

"...then how is he better than me at fighting? Is that a computer error, too? He's finished with this stupid dance exercise already, ad I couldn't even win once…"

"Really? Then what about yesterday?"

"That didn't count."

"Says who? Little miss operations director? Since when do you care what she thinks?"

I'm surprised that Asuka was letting me witness this. You'd think she'd flat out forgotten that I was here.

"This isn't about what she thinks," she grumbled, "You don't have to tell me that this dance exercise is stupid, believe me, I know that! I'm the one who's been stuck doing it for a week. But Misato's the one who decides who gets sent on missions, so, it does matter, if only for that reason. Besides, I can't let them show me up like that! If I'm really the best, then shouldn't I be able to do a silly task like that, even with a rookie slowing me down? Nagisa could, so why can't I?"

Ms. Soryu took a long pointed sip of her iced coffee.

"I know that feeling. In the end, I guess most of us are going to encounter it at some point in our lives."

I didn't know what I meant, but in Asuka's situation, this would be not just confusing but also exasperating. "What are you talking about?!"

Ms. Soryu began her tirade of sage wisdom in a long-suffering tone: "No matter how great you are, eventually, there is always someone better. There is always a bigger fish."

She evidently found this very regrettable – like she admitted it only because she'd lived long enough to realize that the opposite would make her look foolish.

"Once you consider it, it's actually quite logical: Of any given skill, only a single one of the seven billion people in the planet can be the best – the world record holder, maybe. But nobody else.

Of course, our brains weren't made for considering all seven billion – it's only in the recent few centuries that such numbers of people have even existed. Originally, we used to live in small tribal bands of just one hundred and fifty – and in such manageable little groups, it's quite possible to be the best at something. If you work hard, it's even possible for you to trump them all. Some might find themselves standing out by mere coincidence – I was born in the 70s, which doesn't seem that far away when you consider that a lot of people's music tastes are still stuck there, and yet it was a different world – a world that was constantly on the brink of nuclear war. It was in that same decade that women were allowed to hold jobs without written permissions from their husbands. The precursors of the EU was only just getting started, and there were people still alive who had been born during the monarchy. Plenty of stodgy old farts got their knickers in a twist when my father showed up with a 'strange little oriental lady' for his bride, and when it all fell apart, they all saw their prejudices confirmed, like it wasn't their constant needling that ruined everything. - By the time Asuka went to grade school, she had many classmates from immigrant backgrounds from all over the world, but in my school, it was only me, two Russians, and the one polish kid. My mother and I were asked weird questions all the time. I look mostly like my father, but I got my mom's eye shape so, one time I got some backwards old lady asking if I had a chromosome disorder. I stuck out like a multicolored dog."

"...what?"

"Figure of speech. It doesn't translate well – But the thing is, I decided that, if I was gonna stand out, it should be for something that I actually have control over. I would show all those crusty twats who's boss. That my mom and I aren't anything like their 19th-century stereotypes.

I was gonna make sure that the don't say, "there goes Kyoko, the japanese girl", but, "there goes Kyoko, the captain of our soccer team.", or "There goes Kyoko, the best student at our school". If I was gonna be noticed, it would be on my terms.

So that's what I did: I worked hard at everything I got involved in. I was the best in my family. The best in my grade school. The best in my secondary school, and the valedictorian in my year… In the end, I was offered research positions at prestigious institutes all over the world."

Those are some big shoes to fill… no wonder that Asuka is so particular about her grades.

"I could've gone to Oxford, to Harvard, Moscow, you name it. But I chose a post-grad position in the research group around professor Fuyutsuki. That's when I hat the pleasure of meeting the one and only Ikari Yui."

"My mom?"

After all this time, I still couldn't get used to hearing how much of a big deal she was. I should have been but – I guess I was used to thinking of her as just a normal mom. And by that I don't mean that moms can't be geniuses or anything like that, it's just… nobody is a hero to his valet. Not cause the hero isn't a hero, but because the valet is a valet.

My parents, to me, are people who used to sleepily trudge to the breakfast table with their hair still all fuzzy. My mom used to talk to be in a sing-song voice to get me to put on my clothes in the right order.

"She's basically the Crag Venter of Metaphysical Biology."

I didn't even know about the regular Craig Venter. Sensing this, Ms. Soryu looked for a salient way to underline her point: "You know Kaga Hitomi? The one who works with me in the engineering department?"

I nodded – she was the expressive, short-haired researcher who did our meditation sessions.

"Her own father was a big shot who used to be a contemporary of professor Fuyutsuki back in the olden days, but still she says that she got her inspiration to go into our field from hearing of Yui-san's brilliant works."

I had no idea, even though I'd been seeing Ms. Kaga every week for a while now.

"Basically, if you've ever so much as heard the word 'metaphysical biology', you've heard of Yui Ikari. And I met her when she was in her prime, a precocious little upstart, ready to shake the foundations of our understanding – In hindsight, this just seems destined, but, back then, she wasn't really the legendary Ikari Yui yet – she was just my coworker, and I couldn't beat her. It made me so mad. I'd gotten so being the star in every group I was a part of that I'd come to see it as my good right. I was supposed to be the star, and the star was me. It was how I dealt with the world, how I coped with my setback, so without being able to play that role, I was adrift, and I didn't like that – I had always been the driven one, I didn't know how to be adrift. I was supposed to be the smart one… but in a group of top tier, front-line researchers, it was a given that we would all be smart. That was the whole point. I'd worked all my life to be part of such an exclusive group, but when I got there, it wasn't what I expected… I think I really started to hate Yui-san for a bit there..."

It's not hard to see why she feels this story is relevant… this is a whole lot like Asuka's own story, except described with an understanding that I couldn't have since I'd never actually lived it.

"But then I saw that I wasn't the only one. At first I kind of looked down on the others – Makinami senior was a prodigy who joined our group as a first year student, fresh out of high school, where she'd graduated at 16, and she had a whole moment about not measuring up to Yui – and I thought, of course, you're a little kid playing at being a researcher. But Akagi had twice my experience, and she was broken up about this-"

"...what, Ritsuko-san?"

Wasn't she, like, Misato's age? I was confused…

"No, no, no, the other Dr. Akagi. Our Dr. Akagi is actually her daughter. And I thought, of course she can't do it – she's a washed up old has-been, and besides, I don't even think her envy of Yui-san was purely professional. She had taken quite a shine to Shinji-kun's father back in the day, really, she was pretty blatant about throwing herself on him. In a different universe, it might have worked, but as it stands, he only ever had eyes for one single lady. - No offense, Shinji-kun, but I never really got what she saw in him..."

...is that what Miss ritsuko meant when she said her mother was 'impulsive'...? I'm sure that Ms. Soryu considers this interesting office gossip, but I'd rather not have this knowledge in the back of my head while talking to Miss Ritsuko…

"But the point is, I used to look down at them so much. I was so frustrated. Until one day, I noticed that Makinami and Yui-san were suddenly getting along, and when I asked to know what that was all about, she said to me – Makinami did – 'aren't you glad, that you've finally found others who can relate to you, work with you and compete with you on the same level'?

I realized then that she was right, and that all the time I'd been looking down on her and the others, I was really just the same. Neither of us could ever be what Yui-san was, but, do you think then, that our work group would have worked better if they'd just gone and fired everyone but Yui-san?"

"Well of course not!" blurted Asuka, "That would be nonsense. No one could be that great."

And that's when Ms. Soryu clapped her hands in great satisfaction: "There you have it! No matter how great someone is, some tasks are just so grand, so immense, so momentous, that even the greatest person on earth couldn't do it by themselves. Even the greatest people have their strengths and weaknesses. Goethe thought he would be remembered not for his writings but his bullshit works on color theory. Einstein rejected quantum theory cause he didn't like it's implications. Arthur Conan Doyle was a big sucker for occultist crap – that doesn't mean that they weren't the best at their strengths, it's just that the grand sum of human knowledge is not so small that one single person could contain it. This is why we work together. This is why we specialize.

So maybe you're not good at this silly teamwork exercise. So what? This is, maybe, like, the first of all those silly exercises that you've remotely struggled with? As far as I know, you're acing most of the others. Maybe you don't have all strengths, and maybe you're not uniquely the best at everything, but you're still the only one in the world who has your combination of strengths. So, Nagisa has a better sync rate – so what? Is that all you got? You're the only one of the main pilots who's been through proper military training, unless you wanna count Aida-kun's military games. You actually know what you're doing with those weapons. You're a fighter. You're a go-getter. You have the will to succeed! Are you gonna give up on all your dreams just because of one setback?!"

"Of course not!"

"Exactly! So what if you have weaknesses? Everyone has weaknesses! Stop obsessing about them, and try to think about your strengths. Because the greatest people around? They have weaknesses, too. And that's where you come in. You're not the only one who's good, but you're the only one who's you, with your particular strengths. You have to find your own niche, your own specialty. If you're not the one with the top score anymore, you've got to find something else.

You know, I'll never know where that Yui-san gets all her ideas from. It's beyond me; She's a visionary of the sort that you see only once in a generation. When it comes to theory, no one can beat her. But you know who did all the actual precision calculations and predictions? Dr. Akagi! That's how such a young lady got to be vice director of research. And you know who made all the actual blueprints? Who worked out the kinks in the technology? No one other than yours truly! If it weren't for us, and our whole work group, and everybody else at the technical division, all of Yui's great visions would just be pie-in-the-sky speculations – it might go on to inspire some fun science fiction books, but that's all!"

I could see Asuka's eyes sparkling – clearly, her mother's speech had filled her with all-new inspiration.

I was kinda jealous. Despite all the difficulties they each had to face, they at least had the advantage of each other – They were very similar in their natures, values, temperaments and interests, they had much in common, in a way that my parents and I simply didn't.

If I'd been interested in being a man of science, or even if I'd chosen to devote myself to any other great ambition, they could have mentored me, and I am sure that there is much they could have taught me.

When Asuka pictures herself as an adult, I'm sure that she must be imagining herself a whole lot like Ms. Soryu – but I'm not sure what sort of adult I would end up like – my uncle, maybe, or my old music teacher? I really just can't imagine it. I know I'm not gonna be anything like my parents. I wonder what it would be like to get to know an adult that I could actually see myself in. I wonder if Rei thinks about being like my parents someday…

Today's 'special activity' was a surprise. I assume that Misato and Mr. Kaji were meaning for it to be a happy surprise, like a surprise party, or a surprise gift, but under the circumstances, I kind of wished that they had warned us…

We were back to doing the same old dance routine, but I think by now, the mood that had been tethering on the edge of shifting since yesterday had finally tipped all-together.

I have often thought that there's a special amazing quality about a person in the act of following their greatest passion, a special sparkle in their eyes when they gush about what they love the most.

I had many conversations about it with Kaworu. I have often seen the glitter in the eyes of Touji when he's playing basketball or spending time with his sister, or the impassioned energy in Kensuke's gestures when he's talking about military boats or his latest survival trip. Once Kaworu told me that there was a researcher trying to understand human personalities with EEGs, and that he found that there's a special activity pattern that activates when people to their favorite activities that bring them the greatest fulfillment – a state in which all the many disparate regions of the brain work together in concord. I think if you had attached some electrodes onto Asuka's head that day, that's what you would have seen.

It was still as much of an uphill battle as it had been this morning, but I think she carried herself with a kind of faith that she didn't have before. It was kind of infectious.

You know what? I don't think we were actually doing that much worse than Mari and Rei anymore…

Misato and Kaji were pleased. Maybe that's why they thought that we could use a break. I saw them discuss something, and later Kaji left the room to make a phone call, but I didn't think anything of it. He probably had work to do – he'd offered to help out this once since he was the one who'd had this 'triumphant' idea, but he wasn't actually part of the operations division and would still have other duties.

I think now that he was probably on the phone with my parents. You see, what happened next was not officially a break. It was technically part of the program, something that was supposed to help with our performance.

Of course, breaks do demonstrably help productivity.

They didn't tell us a thing, though. There was just suddenly a ring on the door, like there might be if the training room were still the normal crew quarters that it had once been.

That alone was odd, for wouldn't everyone involved with the exercise have access through their keycard?

Asuka was the first to react, so, I follower her because… because the bell-rang in mid-dance, I was still copying her, I guess. Though I might've gone to get the door anyways.

I wonder who it could be, I mean, we're in the geofront here, it's not like just anyone could pass by…

My question was soon answered.

Well, that's a rare sight – Touji was actually wearing his uniform for once! And to see him, Kensuke and Hikari actually not arguing for once, but standing side by side so they could press the doorbell together was a welcome change. I could even spy Marie and Kotone behind them! ...but what's with all their expressions?

...oh crap.

I appear to have forgotten one single, crucial detail. After five days of this nonsense, I was so used to this that I didn't even think of it.

Our outfits. Those darn, ridiculous, color-coded leotards.

"P-Pair look!" stammered Touji, looking amazingly shaken.

Not that Kensuke had any more faith in me: "You traitor! Eugh!"

"You know, they always did kinda act a bit like an old married couple. We never should've bought the childhood friend excuse."

Only Marie still maintained her good cheer, mostly cause she was pointing at us and laughing. "Wahaha, you guys look so uncool right now!"

Sweet, innocent Kotone blinked in mild confusion, like she did not quite get what had the others so scandalized.

Hikari, meanwhile, seemed afflicted by sudden bout of moral panic. "Ahh This is totally inappropriate!"

"No, no, no don't, don't get it wrong! This was all Misato's idea!"

But the training seemed to have worked a little too well.

You know why? Because Asuka ended up saying the exact same thing, at the exact same moment. Sure, she looked much more annoyed compared to panicky old me, but that didn't help our case.

"Like that isn't much worse!"

"Wait, no, you misunderstand!"

Darn it. We spent so long trying to get synchronized, and now it's hard to stop!

"What's there to misunderstand?!"

Poor, poor Hikari. At this point she had just given up and buried her head in her hands.

Of course, the resulting commotion had quickly summoned everyone else to the door, including our fellow pilots and priority candidates, who were, of course, also wearing matching outfits…

including a very exuberant Mari who loudly inquired as to what might we taking us so long, as it was "time to get back down on the floor!"

This is funny when you have the context to deduce that she means a dancefloor and not, like, some weird sort of orgy. You have got to appreciate the comedic value of hearing Rei saying the exact same thing at the same time, tonelessly reciting what Mari was was blurting out with great exuberance.

Somewhere behind us, Kaworu was smiling apologetically – it was the perfect image of chaos.

Thankfully, Misato intervened before poor Hikari could work herself into a full-blown panic, and the whole misadventure dissolved into pleasant laughter:

"Ah, so that's what going on! Why didn't you say so right away?"

"We were trying!"

...I could tell by the looks on their faces that they still weren't used to the extremely weird, highly unlikely occurrence of myself and Asuka saying the same thing, especially when the neirby sight of a synchronized Rei and Mari was only slightly less weird.

Still, one has got to laud Hikari for trying to see the positive: "Well, at least the unison seems to be going well~"

It turned out that the others had just come from the physical enhancement training, and that the people of GEHIRN thought that a visit from our friends would provide us with some much-needed relaxation – and since they were also pilots, this was, strictly speaking, 'team building' as well… though it didn't much look like it. I think in this case, the 'training value' was truly an excuse for Misato and the others to be nice to us. Sublieutenant Kaga showed up with ice tea and some of Ensign Agano's homemade cookies, and even us pilots and priority candidates were allowed to take a break from all the dancing to just sit around the table and chill while our friends caught us up on the latest gossip from our classroom.

Even Misato chimed in once our twice, asking for the latest juiciest news about some of the teachers that she'd come to know while posing as their co-worker.

We had a nice afternoon, and just for a moment, we could almost have forgot that we were training for war.

(2.3.4: But hell is others)

"I'm so glad that no one told the others that we've been at this for five days," I stated, letting myself sink down onto my bed after returning from the shower. My hair was still damp, but I couldn't be arsed to wait for it to dry. For the first time in ages, I actually felt myself beckowed down by a good, warm sort of tiredness.

"I hope we finally get it right tomorrow..."

"Miss me with that 'hope' nonsense." retorted Asuka as she carried her towels and clothes into the newly vacant bathroom. "We will win."

"Right."

Now, that sounded a whole lot more like the Asuka I knew.

It was almost like we were finally friends again.

Or so I thought.

I thought that so much that I must have worn a little, peaceful smile as a dozed off to deep sleep…

Except I never got there.

Shortly before the light of my consciousness would have wholly flickered out for the day, I registered some diffuse 'thump!' somewhere close enough that some turnstile in my brain steered my vanishing train of thought back towards the gears of activity.

I tentatively opened my eyes, only to see…

HOLY SHIT.

omgwtfbbq

What…? How..? Why..?

What on God's green earth?!

Stashed away under his bed, Touji had a heap of magazines that he counted among his most valued possessions, not as much as his favorite basketball, but you know, almost. Even so, he'd been willing to lend them to myself and Kensuke, though I'd never taken one home – I'd think I'd die of mortification if my parents had found me with one.

There was nothing outright, uh, you know, about them, mostly just boobies, but we were probably still not old enough to actually have them.

Even so, I had seen its contents, and it was filled with sights just like the one that currently filled my entire field of vision.

For some reason that was entirely beyond my comprehension, there was a girl in my bed.

I know this sounds like the start of a bad movie that would involve the protagonists all getting blackout drunk – but in the dim light left from the stereo's LEDs, I could make out her slightly parted mouth, the rosy face resting on her slender fingers, and some very distinctive copper hair.

I was painfully aware of the annoying training music that was still faintly playing in the background.

Asuka hadn't been kidding about her recent chest growth. The white flesh of her breasts was basically spilling out of her shirt, and somehow, she had chosen to drape them – I kid you not – right in front of my face!

Now in this moment I must tell you that one my my favorite pictures out of Touji's magazine collection was one where a the model was lying in a beach chair, appearing to be sleeping.

Not soon after, I'd asked Kensuke how to hide a folder on my PC. I didn't say why, but I think he kinda knew.

There is now a hidden folder on my PC, labeled to look like a system file as by the instructions of my faithful bespectacled friend.

It is filled with many megabytes of pictures of numerous sleeping anime girls in various states of undress. Stock photos of actual models, too. I explicitly had to google "hot sleeping girl" so it wouldn't give me pics of people's adorable little nieces or whatever.

Most of those do not have their, uh, chest nubbins fully visible, for I was not yet so bold as to turn SafeSearch off.

Back then already, I had this recurring fantasy, though not yet as often as once I got my next growth spurt the next spring, and came to know what it actually hold someone you like and feel their hot skin.

I imagined often, what it might be like, if I had ever asked of Rei if I could perhaps, uh, wake her up, by… touching, you know?

To run my fingers along the plump flesh of her lips while her eyelids fluttered ever so slightly-

I never brought this up to her, of course. That would just be weird, we never even uh, did that the, well, the usual way – what if she thinks it's weird? I mean, she's not just someone who has a pretty body, or who I think was suitable to play some 'girlfriend' role as defined through our cultural nonsense. First of all she was my friend, who trusted me, and before the end, she became something to me like a long-lost part of myself that had been torn away at birth, the one glimmer of light I couldn't doubt as all else sank into darkness. I couldn't just risk all that for some stupid fantasy that she might hate. I didn't know if she'd want it, too.

I thought we would get to do this later, because I thought that that would be a later where we get to be grownups and whatnot.

If I had known how it would end, if it had occured to me to just tell her beforehand that if she said no I would never speak of it again then, if she said no, everything would be the same, and if she said yes, I would at least have had one more pleasant memory that could have flashed before my eyes as I choked on my own blood.

But all this was an unreachable fantasy, little more than a wisp of air, and what I saw before me was real, dense, fragrant flesh, vacated of its owner's tempestous soul who was floating far away in dream land.

I could smell the subtle perfume of Asuka's body – and to think that before this day, I didn't believe that people really had distinctive smells other than what would come from their shampoo, soap or cologne – I thought it the flourish of overzealous writers.

It was an overwhelming stimulus poking at the auto-correct functions of my brains – if this was a movie, if this were a fairy tale, I would know exactly what I must do now.

Why else would she be here?

I inched ever closer, touching her warm forehead to mine.

Why would she do this, if this wasn't what she had in mind?

...what the hell am I doing. I I'm wrong, and she wakes up not expecting this, she would flip out. Freak out. Spit and curse. Possibly be traumatized and never ever trust me again, and rightly so.

I couldn't be sure -

Honestly, it was probably our old friendship that staid my hand.

I was a dumb little boy who didn't understand the implication or consequence of anything.

If all I had known of her were these past weeks of hostility, I'm not sure if I would have listened to my better angels.

What the hell was she thinking? What the heck is this?

Since she had taken my bed, I retreated to hers, pulling the blanket far over my head.

December 3rd 2014

T minus 405 days

(Day 6)

I trust you'll understand why I chose to pretend like that entire thing never happened.

It was our turn to make breakfast, which actually means that it was mostly my turn, but, for once, I wouldn't think of complaining about that. It meant 20 minutes more where I had a solid excuse not to look anywhere else but the stove top and my fingers.

I still had to sit next to her at the breakfast table.

I had to answer her string of complaints about the project, listen to her prickly responses to Mari's attempts to cheer her up, her slender elbows not too far from mine, her rosy knees bare beyond the seams of her leotard, her pink little lips – and try very hard not to think of what happened yesterday.

She was of course acting like nothing happened. Like it was no big deal at all, nothing worth mentioning – of course not.

After all, she was only messing with me.

Some might say I had been lucky – I couldn't fully articulate why exactly I felt so resentful.

I tried to put it it out of my mind, to wash off the bitter taste of it with my morning green tea.

I was almost looking forward to finding out what today's silly teamwork activity was going to be, as I trudged across the corridor into the training room.

As usual, there were two figures silhouettes awaiting us in the garish artificial neon gleam that had become our poor substitute for the light of morn, but as soon as I saw them I realized that something was different today: In place of Misato and Kaji, we were met with mother and Ms. Soryu – Both were in their white coats, though I had the suspicion that the latter had just flung that old thing over a lavish red nightgown, in place of the elegant frilly blouses she usually teded to wear. Her hair was a bit out of order as well – I guess EVA 02's core unit had continued to keep her busy, or maybe they had come here on short notice… though if that was the case, it sure didn't stop my mother from looking as put-together as ever.

My first reaction to seeing her was, as it had been for my entire life thus war, one of delight: "Mom! ...but where's Misato-san?" I still couldn't help but wonder.

"We gave her the morning off, and I hope she's making good use of her well-deserved extra break, because her report from yesterday has given me the most magnificent idea!"

...an idea?

Should I be afraid?

Will there be silly costumes again?

"You know, originally, I had a different plan for today's special activity." Ms. Soryu commented, sounding just a little peeved. I wonder if she'd shown up like she did because of some sudden schedule change… but I believe the slight displeasure was lost on my mother, whose thoughts were consumed with her latest brilliant idea: "...but then I noticed something astounding in yesterday's record! Shin-chan, you and Nagisa-kun got your dance routine right the first time yesterday, isn't that right?"

"Uh…"

I was expecting to hang back and slisten as she explained the plan. I did not expect to find myself as the center of attention. "That's just – That was-"

"That was because Shinji-kun and I had prior experience, both through practicing the moves themselves for many days, and because of our experience in playing instruments together."

Thanks for the save, Kaworu-kun.

But alas, rather than to divert the attention from us, this just caused mom to smile knowingly, almost as if she'd planned this all along:

"Precisely! Honestly, I'm almost a little mad that I didn't think of this myself, but then again, the state of the project hasn't really left me much time to dwell on the finer pleasures of life as of late… Or maybe, it didn't occur to me because it's simply far too obvious."

"Excuse me, mom, but what do you mean?"

"...seems it is too obvious for you, too. Music, Shinji! You're all going to play music! Together.

Whether you're harmonizing with each other, or just each of you with your own EVA, there's actual a substantial similarity to trying to copy or follow a particular music!"

There was some real amazement shining through her usually calm demeanor – I wouldn't grasp the implications from not getting the science side of it, but I suppose it must be an amazing discovery.

"Ah, I see." remarked Rei, "So playing the Viola really does make me a better pilot."

...I had been hoping that she would be enjoying it for its own sake by now. That is, I wouldn't say

Ms. Soryu had clearly noticed this, too, and thus addressed her with a huge grin:

"At least, this might remind you that not all things can be predicted by pure theory."

"But I could have predicted this with theory! In hindsight, it's absolutely obvious. That's why I feel like kicking myself!"

...so there is actually some serious scientific calculations going into all this?

"So even you feel like that sometimes, huh?" remarked Ms. Soryu. She wasn't mean about it, just, kinda wistful. I don't think Mom noticed much, except perhaps as an odd moment she couldn't quite classify. Weird enough as it sounds, with that mildly confused look on her face, she almost looked a little bit like… nah, I'm probably just imagining it.

Is what I thought back then.

My attention was swiftly swept elsewhere when Ms. Soryu resumed speaking. "-There's just one problem, though: I don't think Asuka-chan is very musical…"

"Uhm? Excuse me?! Mama? I can play the violin!"

...you can?

This is the first time I'd heard of this, Asuka.

It seems her mom was not expecting this, either.

We soon found out why, though Asuka seemed uncharacteristically reticent to admit it:

"Heike made me take lessons. Something about how classical music is good for your brain development or something-"

"That's been debunked many times over. With dubious studies like this, you've always got to ask what the control condition was. If you're comparing classical music to no music, all you've proved is that rich parents who can afford expensive lessons can usually also buy the best tutors. Kind of a colonialist mindset, really, to think that the one kind of music that grows bigger brains just happened to be invented in your neighborhood. But of course, I wouldn't expect anything better from that stuck-up snobbish twat."

I don't think she meant or realized the quandary that she was imposing on her daughter through this. Maybe she was still better over some time when she had found herself unfavorably compared to Ms. Langley, or perhaps she had done that herself, looking to find a meaning in her misfortune.

But even if there was nothing special about classical music in particular, one could not argue that teaching your stepdaughter useful skills and worrying about her brain development was in any way a bad thing.

So I would wonder, in later days, if Ms. Soryu's dismissive response here had not sprung up in defiance to a pang of guilt, seeing as she had not known or thought about her daughter's lessons.

To be fair though, I doubt that Asuka greatly loved playing the violin, seeing as she had never much mentioned it before – Her father's household became a place where it's commonly accepted that smart people play the violin, so she had to prove that she was smart.

Image and praise were by their very nature dependent on your surroundings, so when in Rome, you show off as the Romans do.

In the end, Ms. Soryu must have thought so too: "Well. When it comes down to it, that's just goes to show how amazing my daughter is, for her to put up with all of that woman's frivolous demands. And now, thanks to our project, her hard work has not been entirely in vain."

In other words:

'Don't worry, you're not in the dog-house for mentioning the violin thing'.

I was beginning to grasp what it meant to be let in on this hidden messages – as far as the others were concerned, there has been nothing more to that sentence but just simple bragging.

"Another violin, hm?" mused mother, not at all concerned. "Then whe've got all the ingredients for a proper string quartet, don't we? What do you think? Nagisa-kun on second and Asuka on Second?"

"I'm not going to play the literal second violin."

...literal?

As Kaworu would explain to me later, to 'play second violin' is a common figure of speech in Germany, with a significance about equivalent to the English 'playing second fiddle' or 'to be second banana' – apparently, the spot of the first violin used to be quite coveted in the orchestras of the olden days, much like being the first Ballerina.

Mom shrugged.

"I just thought it would be funny, since you are the 'Second Children'."

Thankfully, Kaworu quickly grasped the situations, throwing up his hands in a concillatory gesture: "It's alright, I could also play the piano."

"That might be better anyways, we can't really be a 'quartet' with five people…"

"We could just give Mari a contrabass, though."

Now this told me right away that Ms. Soryu wasn't very musical either, perhaps explaining why she was so irked, or why she'd expected her daughter to be the same.

There were a lot of awkward smiles in the room.

Finally, mother was the first to find the courage to speak: "Ah, you know, those things are loud enough to overpower half an orchestra… Maybe we ought to ask Mari what she can even play."

"I play the transverse flute and the tambourine!" she retorted cheerily, pretty much at once – but I had looked towards her just as her name came to be mentioned, so, I had picked up on the moments just before when she had observed the interaction with an analytic look behind her glasses…

Of course, this meant that we would once again meet our old friend, the costume boxes.

Most of us, anyways – In my case, Mom had already make sure to bring my nice suit, which I'd last worn at the amateur concert. I suppose I should be glad that I got to wear it more than once before outgrowing it; Makes me feel less bad about all the money that it cost.

Once he saw it, Kaworu proposed to go get his own suit from his quarters (which were, after all, in this very section of the complex), but as for the girls, whose fancy clothes would all be up on the surface (if not back in England), Mom instructed them to pick out something they'd wear to a concert or the theater.

Rei plucked out the most acceptable thing she could see and left to get changed, leaving Asuka and Mari to pour over the contents of the box.

Before long, we were all suited up, including us boys, for once, not in plugsuits, but just plain regular suits. Asuka had of course gone for a glamorous layered dress, bright crimson red and full of sparkles. Rei was yellow on the bottom with a sheer layer on top of it, and dark green above the waist, with some floral decorations. She looked kind of like an upside-down flower, you might even consider her hair to be the water from which the plant had sprung.

Mari had gone for an outfit that might have looked androgynous on someone with a different figure: A very frilly, long-sleeved shirt and high-waisted shorts. It was definitely A Look.

Of course, all of these came with matching shoes and, in Mari's case, stockings.

We were all just about ready to start making music.

There was no time to haul any of our own instruments down here – we got some government issue ones with big fat GEHIRN logos on top, and we had to tune them before they could be of any use… Well, most of them. I don't think that you have to tune a flute.

We played and played, first, a few normal pieces, and then, following a few particular exercises or directions from mom – To this day I'm not sure if she prepared those, if she came up with them on the spot after watching us play.

One thing she did was to let each of us join in one after the other, like we were doing a musical version of painting-by-numbers where one color is only added after the next.

At first, it was just me doing the cello parts, then she had Asuka joining in, and then Rei next, then Kaworu, and then Mari, until we were finally playing the piece as intended.

I'm not sure what criteria she was basing this off, but the more we played, the more that Mom seemed all but delighted; During one of the sporadic five-minute breaks we were given, I overheard her telling Ms. Soryu about how they absolutely must integrate this into our regular training routine – there would be a free time slot soon, since they were just about finished with teaching us all about the city fortifications and instrument arrays – from now on, our knowledge on this was more or less kept fresh by incorporating it into the simulations.

I guess there could be worse extra work than something that involved my preexisting hobbies, but as the weeks would progress, the fact that it was a job thing rather than an intrinsic choice of entertainment did somewhat take the fun out of it. We don't really have to be good if we're just doing it for ourselves.

There's a moment I recall, I think, from after we were done – it must have been. We were sitting on the bench near the walls of the room, listening as Ms. Soryu was explaining something that, I think, was kind of related to the next simulator round – I think she was somehow convinced that what we really needed to perform better...or perhaps to prove that this whole training program was bogus? - was another team simulation involving all five of us. If we could beat it this time, then clearly, this whole endeavor had been entirely pointless… or would that not prove the opposite?

I don't recall enough about the actual rationale to decide if it made sense or not.

I was rather distracted when I noticed my father quietly stepping into the room to discuss something with mother. I tried to pay attention to the explanation either way, but in the end, what stuck in my memory was not Ms. Soryu's words, but the instant I noticed that my parents had gone from speaking in hushed tones to exchanging playful chuckles.

At this point I was so used to seeing my father being all business at GEHIRN that I was surprised to see him join in – his responses were of course more subdued than mothers', but, by the time we were leaving the room, I think I heard father jangling away at the piano while mom had sat down at the Cello I had previously been manning.

It was not at all common, but, I guess my parents were still ar least capable of having fun in these days.

I remember also that right beside me, Asuka was observing their blissful interplay with a very ugly expression on her face, a well-stirred mix of jealousy of loathing.

I guess it was just as she said – I'd never considered how lucky I was to have parents who still love each other.

If I was her, I think I might hate me, too. If I went out and claimed that I would have the strength to be the bigger person about it, I doubt that anyone would believe me.

Now that I think of it, many of our classmates had lost a parent, including Touji and Kensuke. Kotone and Nene were outright orphans.

But did I ever spend that much time thinking about how it must be for them to hear about my lovey-dovey parents?

I guess I really am a clueless, lucky little boy...

I know that we did not beat the simulator that day.

I remember hearing Mari's vaguely dissapointed-sounding "Aww, shucks!" as the light went out around us, but not much else.

The reason I don't remember much, I presume, is that even back then, my thoughts were on what Asuka and I encountered on our way down to the simulation room.

She didn't want to share an elevator with Rei (and to be fair, the cabin was full enough between her, Kaworu and Mari) so she insisted that we wait for the other elevator right next to it – I have this picture in my head of how she impatiently pressed on the button over and over again.

She looked hopeful for a moment when the elevator finally went 'ding' and the light inside it became visible in the crack between its doors, but what we saw beyond it was…

Uh…

I had never seen that sort of thing before, at least not outside of the movies.

Asuka's face fell immediately.

As for mine… I guess I must have been blushing? Or possibly gaping.

I'm… I'm just gonna try to come out and say it:

It was Misato and Mr. Kaji, and they were full on making out.

For some reason.

Of all sudden.

Like, he had her pressed against the wall and everything, and their legs were showed against each other's private places, and there was paperwork scattered on the ground that must have become very unimportant in the heat of the moment.

For the longest time, even just thinking about it would make me feel all hot and bothered.

But it also feels weird like – I guess I'd never really thought of Misato as a person who would do this kind of thing, like, she was our teacher, an authority figure, I didn't think of her as-

Not that there's anything wrong with that, or any reason why she wouldn't, I mean, after all, she's was still a healthy young woman and stuff, and very good looking, so of course she would, uh…

Damn.

It was like something out of a movie scene, truly – until they noticed us.

Well – Mr. Kaji just kept grinning. But Misato looked absolutely mortified.

Figures that this was not really something she wanted her subordinates to see, let alone a bunch of teenagers.

She hastily gathered her papers, and straight up bolted.

Kaji casually waved for us to come inside the elevator, but after what just happened, neither of us dared to move a muscle.

The doors had long since cloned back up by the time that the power of speech had returned to me.

"What the heck?! I thought they were supposed to hate each other or something-!"

"Just… shut up, highscore!"

Crap.

There I go being inconsiderate again – of course she would be upset, since-

I- I guess I didn't think she was all that serious, but who am I kidding? Asuka's always serious, she has absolutely no settings between zero and eleven.

I guess it's no wonder that we didn't beat the simulator that day.

Turns out even Asuka can't concentrate very well with a broken heart.

'Why didn't you say something?' you ask. 'Didn't you think to consider her feelings?'

Well, let me ask you this in return: What about anything I have told you so far makes you think that she would wish to hear my voice?

But you wanna know something? That wasn't even the weirdest thing that happened that day.

The weirdest thing was while we were back at our quarters that evening, both already in our pajamas.

Asuka was sitting by herself at the dining table, looking rather sour, incessantly drumming on the table board with her fingers… and as it just so happened, we were the only ones present: Mari and Rei were out to restock our fridge, and Kaworu had tagged along with them, perhaps out of some misguided intention that leaving the problem team some extra team time might possible help us.

It was only the two of us, just Asuka and me – though at first, I was not explicitly conscious of this fact.

I was lounging on the couch with my headphones plugged in, hoping to kill some time until the other girls would be back with our lunch, until I got the impression that Asuka was trying to get my attention.

I didn't hear much of the first thing she said, but once I had removed my earphones, she said this:

"Hey, Shinji, just out of curiosity – how far have you and the first gone already? Have you kissed yet?"

As if I needed any more blood shooting in my face on that particular day.

The cells in my face must be really glad that they were getting all that extra oxygen from all the blood that was constantly rushing to them.

"-I told you, it's not like that!" I feebly insisted, though I was realizing with every passing day how much I wished that it were, in fact, like that.

"I see," she said, her face unreadable but for the deep sense of ennui that permeated her every gesture. "Makes sense. There's no way that a little boy like you would've gotten to second base, when even I haven't…"

That much was expected, but never in a thousand years would I have predicted what came next: "...so, wanna give it a try?"

...and I still remember thinking, 'does she realize that this sounds kinda wrong in this context?' - but for the most part, I was simply confused:

"Uh, what?"

"You know, kissing."

...what?

WHAT?!

She couldn't possibly-

What the heck?!

What on all six continents and seven seas?

"Wha- why?!"

This is weird.

This really, really weird.

I was by no means unaware that Asuka is a very pretty girl, but you must understand, I'd known her since the nursery, so I'd never ever thought about her that way-

"'cause I'm bored, duh. Don't you wanna know what it feels like?"

Of course I do, but…

...for such a reason...

...is that what they call 'no strings attached'?

Like, there's nothing wrong with that, but, I'm not sure if I'm personally comfortable with this...

"-you mean… just to kill time?"

"Why not? Or are you scared?"

"I'm not scared!" I retorted, carried to my feet by a sudden surge of emotion, and I remember my thoughts going in circles like, who does she think she is, and what does she think I am, and how I'm totally gonna show her-

And then I thought for a second, and asked myself what the heck I am doing.

What the hell is this?

They told us puberty was gonna be weird and bring some new, strange feelings, but this is just too much.

She was still standing there smirking, beckoning me with a wink of her fingers.

"Go on then, prove it! I trust you've brushed your teeth?"

What. The. Hell?

"What the hell?! No I'm not? I'm not going to use up my one first kiss on some screwed-up test of courage! What is this? No, seriously, what's the point of this? Like, am I just a convenient rebound guy because you didn't get to kiss Kaji-san, or is this all so you can go behind my back and tell all your friends at school that you've done it? Is this about me at all? Then why me? Why not any of the other guys from school who are lining up to do this?"

Clearly, she wasn't expecting me to stand up to her.

Probably because I didn't have the best track record of that – but for once, she had thoroughly pushed me to the ends of my patience. I was just tired of taking and taking it all week long, and I would take no more.

To her, that must have been as if the trashcan into which she threw all her frustrations had suddenly spoke up and told her 'hey, wait, that's recyclable actually'.

By now, she felt entitled to using me as her obedient little stress ball, and now, I had denied her her right.

"How dare you!" she shrieked, "Are you calling me easy? Do you know how many little boys like you would die for a chance like this?! And you're acting like this special one-time chance to kiss me is a hot potato – This is just too arrogant, even for the great Mister Highscore!"

Not that again.

"I see! So this what this is all about. Highscore this, Highscore that. You don't know how sick I am of hearing that! We've been friends since we were kids, and now, because of one random number that I didn't even have control over, you're treating me like a completely different person, like all our friendship meant nothing! And now you're coming on to me?! As long as I've known you, you've never showed the slightest interest in me as a boy. You said I was a boring guy and not your type – then you hear 'thirty percent', and suddenly it's such a big difference? That doesn't sound sincere to me at all!"

The only reason that ever came out of my mouth was that I was very, very angry, and not in control of myself at all. Otherwise, I would never have had the courage.

"And you're doing this after acting like you hate me for weeks on end! Like, what did you think I would think of it if you treat me like this? Did you think at all?

Or do you think you can just do with me whatever you want, because I'm just a pathetic guy who doesn't count!?

You always expect me to take your provocations & let you walk all over me, and then, when I do, you make fi? "

Despite her shock, she was quick at the repartee, maybe all the more for it, like a lion challenged for dominance over the pride: "Who the heck do you think you are?!"

"I think that maybe you should leave me in peace!"

This is where we should talk about one of three lies that all adults tell their children:

Lie Number #1: Santa Clause is real (I presume that they have their different, local variants in countries with no western TV - I've read the inuit tell their children that there are monsters in the water, so they do not go near the shore before they know not to drown)

I knew this.

Lie Number #2: To become a respectable grownup, you must not lie. That is false. Grownups lie all the time.

I knew that already, but I doubt that I really, actually gronked it.

On that day, I was just about to find out lie number three:

Lie Number #3: Bullies leave you alone if you stand up to them.

They never do. They also don't go away if you ignore them, for that matter.

They're picking you on in the first place because they want a cheap feeling of dominance, whether that is cause they feel downtrodden themselves, cause they feel threatened by you, or just cause they feel like it.

You can't appease them, you can't shame them, you can't befriend them, and you certainly can't make them understand that their actions are hurting you – they already know, and they very much want to.

They have already made up their mind about you, and anything you say or do will be twisted to fit that idea – there are very, very rare cases where you might break through that and do something that surprises you, but even if you do, that won't bear fruit before your words have a chance to percolate in their mind, when they're thinking late at night in bed, or in the shower.

In one out of hundred cases, they will apologize to you later, in another ten, they'll be ashamed of it in ten years, at least if they're not the ringleader but first, they will be very angry.

That is because to them, you're little more than an object that provides amusement, and if you don't give it to them, if you deny them the dominance they seek, they will keep provoking you until you do, like you would fiddle with the buttons of a fizzling radio until it gives you music.

Every time you open your mouth to them, you just give them more material to work with – and if they decide that the radio does not work, that the amusement machine has become useless, they will chuck you in the trash, that is: They will seek to destroy you outright.

"You- you idiot! You think you can just say things to me?! You think you can order me around?!"

I suddenly found myself sorely regretting the loss of the security cameras.

"How dare you!"

She kicked me in the shins without a moment's hesitation – but it was only a prelude to when she showed me, really really hard, right against the table.

My survival instincts must've kicked in – the ones I never knew I had – or maybe it was the training.

It ended in a brawl.

I had no been in any sort of physical fight since the nursery, and even then, I was usually the one who was getting beaten up. As an only child, I was far less experienced in physical fights than the other kids, which must have made me easy pickings. The last time it happened was soon after I made friends with Touji. He went & roughed the guy up, and that was the end of it.

That works – no laugh is worth a bloody nose, when there are others you can torment without such a risk.

Except by the time someone gets hurt, the teachers will not care who started it and why, and you will both get punished. I you don't whack them hard enough, they'll make a strategy out of starting something to get you punished, so if you do whack them hard enough, you're definitely in trouble – they'll only stop if they come out looking worse than you, and if you're smaller and slighter than them, or if there's just plain too many, that might just be beyond your capability, especially if you can't find any other people to help you. But back then, I did:

Punishment or no,Touji had just grinned and said that every man worth his salt should be able to take some detention for the sake of his friends.

I'm not sure if I would have had the courage to do the same for them. When I decked Asuka, it was very far removed from such noble reasons – I was simply pissed, and craving sweet, sweet vengeance for all that humiliation.

Now it is often said that 'boys are stronger than girls', but that is crude oversimplification born in a time when girls were not allowed to do sports or even go outside.

It may be true that boys, on average, have an advantage in a few specific areas like upper body strength, but girls have higher pain tolerance and a higher chance to survive malformations.

In a 100 meter sprint, boys may have a bit of an advantage, but in long-distance runs or team sports, which require quick thinking and coordination more than strength, there is actually no difference. There are disciplines where women hold absolute records.

And of course, in the end, those averages are just that: Averages.

Just like (and not unrelated to) how boys are usually taller and woman usually live longer, but not every woman is taller than every man, and some men outlive their spouses.

If you make some boys and girls fight a brawl, the boys will win more often, but not every boy will win against every girl – in particular, an office worker who never exercises isn't gonna beat up Serena Williams.

Which is to say that Asuka should have kicked my ass – after all I've told you about her crazy feats of athleticism and military training, I think most of us would expect her to beat me, except for the sexists… and maybe some psychologists.

Did you know that there was a case of a karate black belt being mugged and raped? She could have killed the man with her bare hands, but she didn't, because of the shock.

That's why the element of surprise is so important in real fights – the one who engages will always have more control over how they react.

I recall being on top of Asuka, pinning her to the ground, my legs weighing down on her, my only thought was on neutralizing those dangerous arms that had so torn and scratched at my face – I was pressing down hard, bringing my full weight to bear on the hand that was gripped her little wrists, and using the other to keep slapping at her face, intent on returning with full force all that she had previously inflicted upon me, bit by bit by bit.

This is the first moment that is distinct, cause it's the instant I came back to senses, filled with the chilling realization that she wasn't fighting back.

She was just staring at me, ice-blue eyes widened to the brim.

She could have broken me like a twig if she wanted, but she didn't.

Her voice was a whimper.

"Please… Shin-chan… please…"

I had missed one of her hands, or, couldn't keep both held in my grip and lost it but, in any case, it was lifting up now, now to yank or scratch, but in a trembling, pathetic gesture, to over her face perhaps, or to brush against mine.

My grip relented. My weight lifted somewhat off her body.

She grasped that chance, mastering herself, and kicked me off herself with every ounce of strength in her tiny body.

There was no precision wasted in that strike –

Honestly, I'm lucky she didn't rupture any organs. I was in such pain that I couldn't have fought back even if I wanted. Doubled over and whimpering, I could not lift a finger to do the slightest thing to keep her from raising and standing up, though she was not fast in doing it.

She eyed me then like a lifeless fish on a cooking board which she was just about to gut.

I guess my brief time in the heart-shaped box in her chest was very much over.

In the coldest possible voice, she addressed me:

"Idiot. There's no way I would let you get me, not if you were the single last man left in the world."

'Get her' as in defeat, or 'get her' as in marry?

It didn't matter anymore.

She wiped the blood off her bruised lip, and only then did she leave me alone.

I was left looking at my hands – the little bits of red stuck under my fingernails…

Today was the day on which I found out that I was capable of that.

As a wise man once said: 'You are capable of great evil, and therefore, I expect great good from you. Many fools have thought themselves good just because they did not have claws.'

Some would argue that power corrupts, but if you ask me, it only reveals.

And without it, you cannot do anything.

Things were looking pretty grim for humanity if the ones who were supposed to save it couldn't help getting into childish fights like a bunch of children… which we basically were.

We definitely weren't fit to be doing any kissing.

By the time the others showed up with the groceries, they found me curled up in my bed. I told them I was feeling really tired, and that I wasn't hungry – which wasn't a lie, but, mostly, I didn't want for them to see the scratches on my face.

They were such good people, and I was so, so ashamed in the face of them.

But I fear that the absence of Asuka must have been telling in itself.

I felt certain now that things between us would never go back to the way it was before –

I was totally sure that we would never, ever be friends again.

I hadn't thought yet about what I was going to say or do tomorrow.

I didn't want to think at all.

I tried to listen to my music, but, even the lowest setting on the player felt too loud, and none of the songs felt comfortable.

I didn't want to be in this room. I didn't want to be in this body. I didn't want to be the person who had done those things and would soon have to face it.

I wasn't fully asleep, really – just very, very zoned out.

That is, until I suddenly felt a weight pressing down onto the bed, pressing against my back, filling up the large space I'd left open in trying to make myself as small as I could in my designated corner – and I thought: Not again!

Not after what she just did, she can't be serious-

If things had been different, I think I would have physically thrown her out off the bed –

But then she spoke, and her voice was not mocking, and, what counted for more: Neither was she acting all cheerful as if nothing had happened.

Her words were small and tentative, like I'd hardly ever heard them:

"Please, can you let me stay just a little bit? After all these years, it really shouldn't bother me anymore, but I'm all alone, in a foreign place, and you're the only thing I know-"

So she was actually asking this time.

We were back to back, not face to face, yet I felt that I was learning much more now about what she felt. Strange that we could only show that to each other with our faces hidden away.

People are really absurd creatures sometimes.

"Look – I'm sorry, okay? I know I shouldn't have pushed you, or- anything else, that was all a stupid idea. To make up for it, I promise I won't ever call you 'Mister Highscore' again, if it really bothers you that much. You'll just have to be content with 'Baka-Shinji' then."

Old habits die hard, it seems, even when the spirit is willing – but I can't say it was any different for me:

"No, no, I should be the one apologizing. I can't believe I actually hit you-"

"Nah. I had it coming. I shouldn't have picked you on like that."

"I was still wrong, no matter what. I shouldn't have done it. I should have stopped when you did-"

"It's fine. I'm tough, I can take it. I'm not like all the little girls in our class."

And so because you don't mind, I should whack you? That just seems to make it worse...

"Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't whack me a long, long time ago."

"But you'd hate me if I did!" I exclaimed, drawing my limbs tighter to my trembling frame as if to hold in my treacherous emotions. "When you started acting all cold towards me after the first test, I- I got so scared that you hated me now. I don't want you to hate me! This… this isn't what I became a pilot for!"

"Then what is it? Have you thought about that yet?"

"Uh-huh. You're right, I mean, maybe I was underestimating this whole thing – maybe you were right to say that I'm sheltered. But, if I'm going to be doing something so tough, I should have a good reason. I've been trying to figure it out… can you tell me something more about your reason, maybe?"

"Why don't you ask your little girlfriend instead? You know, the First?"

"I already did – and I asked Mari, too, before you start it again."

"You conducting a survey?"

"...maybe. I'm just thinking that it might help me figure it out to see some other examples, like, maybe then I'll notice how I'm similar or different…"

"You're overthinking it, as usual. There's no 'more' to it – giant monsters are attacking us, so, we gotta defend ourselves. I don't plan to roll over and die, and I'm not gonna wait for anyone else to save me, either – and besides, it's a fine way to exhibit my talents to the world, don't you think?"

"...to prove you exist?"

"If you wanna put it in big, complicated words, then yeah…. So what about any light bulbs yet?"

"...I don't know… - maybe it's a little like that, too."

"You, really? I don't get it. How are you like me?"

"Not particularly. I don't have any talent to speak of, much less to show off… But exactly that's why I wanted to impress people. I wanted to be good at something, just once. To have everyone think of me as something other than just unremarkable old Shinji. I wanted to be impressive, just like you and the other pilots. I wanted people to see me, to prove to me that I can do it. But I guess most of all…"

And maybe that was risky to say, when the literal wounds were so fresh,

"...most of all, I think I wanted to impress my parents."

"Your parents?"

I think I heard a marked inhale, like something moving or surprising had been witnessed.

"These days, they're always working – all they ever have time for are the EVAs. They brought Rei into our house because she could help with the EVAs. They were always together, so I thought- if I helped them with the EVAs, then I could spend time with them, too, and that they would praise me. I didn't think that I'd be yelled at, or embarrassed, or beat up, or that you would suddenly hate me- I just wanted my parents to be proud."

But whatever feeling might have escaped her earlier, by the time I was answered, Asuka's voice sounded cynical and resigned:

"If you think that, then you really are sheltered."

The scratches, by the way, didn't turn out to be that much of a big deal.

When Misato asked us what had happened, I spend a few moments stammered about how I didn't mean to do it, and then Asuka lost her patience and said that we "got into a bit of a scuffle last night."

"Seriously? How old are you?! We're not in kindergarten here!"

And then, she moved on to telling us all about her genius plan to finally improve our lackluster performance.

---

And there goes Shinji's motive rant!

Still to go: Kaworu, Misato, and Misato's genius dancing plan.

I took some inspiration from this artwork - ([imgur]/b0FvGN0) which I loved a lot until I realized that they drew Mari in her post-timeskip look (glasses, interface clips, longer hair...) while everyone else is pre-timeskip, and now that just irritates me.

Honestly, the real reason I'm putting in so many alt versions of familiar scenes is so that I'll be forced to make up more new stuff once the angels hit.

BTW have you guys puzzled out the logic behind the titles yet?

I didn't want to give the answer right away so ppl had a chance to puzzle it out themselves, but I do want to actually give the solution instead of going "figure it out yourself" like a pedantic person.

So the idea of inserting a secondary title in the middle is obviously copied from the OG show/movies.

For the acts/storyarcs, the primary titles are 'sins'/'vices', and the secondary ones are from the 'tree of death', the 'negative' or the 'shells' of the sephirothic tree of life (I'd guess that many of you would've gor this from the persona 5 allusions.) - the idea is that the characters are 'going down a dark path' paved with/facilitated by their vices, or, in effect, doing the opposite of 'ascending to enlightenment'.

Hence 'path of hollowness' from the qlippoth/ 'shell'.

As for the titles of the individual chapters, the secondary titles are spontaneously chosen while the primary ones have a theme. That's cause I couldn't decide between randomly picked and themed, so I decided to have it both views.

For act I, the theme was "the Garden of Eden", whereas for the second one its "training montage".

I think for act III, imma copy Madoka or devilman crybaby & take the most peppery quote from each chapter as the title.

I have some of the others picked but not all.