Chapter 18: Dating Edward Cullen

Bella POV:

Thank God Jacob called. He had saved me from making a huge mistake. I can´t believe I let Edward get so close to me. Again! What was I thinking? Clearly, I wasn´t. I could not let this happen. Not again. Never again. Protect yourself.

My heart ached. Begged me to get closer to him since my body craved his touch. I wished he could just hold me. I had a sudden urge to turn around, run into his open arms and pretend the past eight months had not happened at all.

My mind quickly put a stop to that. You will not let Edward get this close to you. You will not kiss Edward. He will only hurt you. He will leave you when everything gets too tough for him to handle. You have survived heartbreak once, who says you can survive heartbreak a second time? Don´t test it. Don't let him come too close to you. Protect yourself.

I waved goodbye to Edward and got in my car.

´Hey Jake,´ I answered my phone, aware of my heavy breathing.

´Bells…,' he started, unsure how to continue. ´I haven't heard anything from you, so I thought; might just call her.´

´Are you at home?´ I instead asked him. ´And if you are, can I come over?´

I heard him breathe out. ´Sure, I´ll see you soon.´

We both hung up and I was pleased with this little distraction. I could go to Jake, tell him all about these horrible days and he would assure me everything would be fine. I was sure of it. I needed my friend more than anything right now. So I drove to his house, singing along with my car radio as I felt more optimistic. Jacob could place everything in the right perspective. I arrived, and he was already sitting outside. He jumped up and walked over to my car.

´Jake,´ I exclaimed as I jumped out. I tried to hug him, but he would not let me. ´What's the matter?´

He avoided my eyes and looked directly at my car. ´I was worried, actually.´

´Worried? For what?´

´I don´t know. Thought Charlie might ground you, again. You know, for drinking this Friday while still having a head injury. And then I didn't hear from you for a few days. So yeah, I was worried.´ He still avoided my eyes, looking sheepishly anywhere except me.

´I can handle Charlie, Jake. Is that why I couldn´t hug you just now?´

´No, that´s not it.´

´Were you pissed I haven't called you?´

He forced a smile and met my eyes. ´Is that very childish of me?´

I looked back at him and saw he was actually hurt by that. ´No, I should have called you to thank you for taking care of me and I'm sorry I haven't. But you wouldn't know what happened at school this week.´

´Alright, I'll bite. What has gotten your panties in a twist?´ He smiled again and I felt immediately at ease.

´So, Monday was just a normal day, right? I received a Biology assignment and now I have to work together with Edward Cullen for who knows how long. It´s horrible. Exes should not have to mix like that,´ I ended with a heavy sight. I looked up and saw Jacob had closed his eyes again. I wondered what was wrong. Had I said something that upset him?

´What´s wrong?´ I asked.

He laughed sarcastically. ´So just to be clear, you haven't called me because of Edward Cullen?´

´I don´t understand, Jake. What does Edward have to do with this? I´m sorry I haven´t called you, but you could have called me if you were so worried for my safety.´ I started to get annoyed at this. Truly, what did Jacob mean by any of this? He acted as if he was a jealous boyfriend, it was utterly absurd.

´I just had a bad day, Bells. And it slightly bothers me you completely forgot about me the moment you did something with Edward. But I apologise, I should not have acted this way. We´ll talk later, alright?´ He turned around, ready to walk back into his house.

I don't know what came over me. Flashes of Edward leaving me came to mind. When Edward left, I was angry and betrayed. I acted on impulses then, knowing I was mad at that moment and needed to keep the conversation in control. And I´m still angry when I think about it, especially now I know his reasoning behind it. He wanted to protect me and he still loves me. The second time Edward and I talked about this, I still needed to keep the conversation in control.

But now, I´m afraid Jake will leave me as well and that I have no control over it. I was shocked and afraid that this would be the last time I would ever see him. And even though my mind registered his words that we would talk later, my body reacted on her own. I could not let Jake leave me. I needed him. So my arm reached out and grabbed his. I made him stop in his motions. He turned around, surprised by my sudden devotion. His brow creased when he saw the desperation in my eyes. His lips slightly parted, as if he was ready to say something to me again.

And I grabbed his shirt with both my hands and tucked at it, hard. I had to stand on my toes and moved my face towards him. I inched closer to his face, hoping I would not make a mistake right now. Before he could understand what was going on, I quickly pressed my lips against his.

Kissing Jacob was definitely different from kissing Edward. For starters, Jacob was warm while Edward was cold. The coldness of Edward´s skin was never a problem to me, but it felt weird to kiss someone with warm lips, a warm breath and maybe also a warm tongue. Next to that, the kisses Edward and I shared were always full of love. Each kiss between us was a promise, a silent guarantee that we loved each other and would stay with each other. Kissing Jacob was a desperate measure. I kissed him as a silent plea. A desperate woman doing desperate deeds. Please don´t leave me, I´m begging you. I opened my lips slightly, hoping we could deepen this kiss. My tongue made its way to Jacob´s lips, trying to softly open them. But lastly, what really differed between kissing Edward and kissing Jacob, was the fact that Edward loved it and Jacob hated it. Edward wanted to deepen our kisses while those could potentially hurt me and Jacob wanted to stop kissing me altogether while his touch did no harm to me. Oh, the irony.

He removed his mouth from mine, tried to look into my eyes that could answer his unspoken questions, but he must have seen that tears started to form in them, as a result of him pulling away.

´Jake, please,´ I whispered.

´What's wrong, Bells?´ He wiped the tears away.

´Please don´t leave me.´ I must have looked desperate.

´I´m not going anywhere,´ he tried to assure me, but my body reacted differently as I started crying. He took me into his strong arms and started to rub my back as he shushed me.

´But… We were fighting… And you were angry at me,´ I hoped he could understand me through all of my sobbings.

´I wasn't going to leave you, silly. You are my best friend,´ he kissed the top of my head. ´Could you explain why you kissed me, though?´

´I was afraid you would leave,´ I looked up to meet his eyes. I wanted him to know for sure what my reasoning behind my actions was.

´You thought kissing me would make me stay?´ he asked. Knowing he was right, hurts. I had no other motive for it and reacted to my impulses. That was weird. And it wasn't fair to him at all.

´I´m so sorry,´ I said as I composed myself. I was making a fool of myself, and it wouldn't be the first time.

´Bells, Bells, Bells. You´ll be the death of me. I´m not mad at you but I would prefer it if you would not kiss me again. Alright? I was just a bit annoyed before, nothing more.´ He kissed the top of my head again.

´Are we alright?´ I asked him, afraid that I had ruined our friendship to the point of no return.

´Always.´

Edward POV:

Alice had closed her mind off again, so something must be wrong. Something had happened that she did not want me to see. I hoped it wouldn't be too horrible. Wednesday was already horrible as it is since we could not drive my silver Volvo but instead had to drive Emmett´s black Hummer. It was such an obnoxious car and I disliked it a lot.

I spent my day listening to the thoughts of Bella´s friends and teachers, to see what she was up to. It seemed she was closed off for some reason, deeply lost in thought. I was wondering what that was all about. Was she thinking about the kiss that almost happened between us yesterday? Or did something happen at Jacob's house she wasn't pleased with? I was wondering why she needed to go see him yesterday.

Jealousy showed its ugly green face again, making me second guess everything that had happened between us. Bella and I were getting closer, I could feel it. At the same time, why was she in such a rush to get to Jacob´s house? I had no reason to wonder, after all; she could visit him whenever she pleases, but I still let my mind wander. Was there something between them I hadn't seen before? Why did Alice close her mind off to me?

Lunch break came, and Jasper had to use his powers to calm my anxious thoughts. I was relieved for that quiet moment of peace in my brain. Unfortunately, it didn't last long. I heard Jessica talking to Bella, and the subject caught my attention.

´So, you have been quiet all day. Going on a little date tonight?´ she asked warmly. If I wasn't so distressed about what had happened yesterday, I could have used my mind-reading powers. And if I had used my mind-reading powers, I could have heard Jessica´s thoughts. And if I heard those thoughts, I could have known Bella occasionally went on dates with herself. It was something she started doing after we left Forks. She went on dates as a little gift to herself, because she wanted to treat herself every now and then. However, I did not look into Jessica's thoughts. I saw red and was angry. So this is what Alice tried to keep from me. Bella went on a date tonight. This must be it.

´Well, I suppose. Now that you mention it, I´m actually quite in the mood for it. If I leave right after I'm done at the Cullens, I can still watch that new Batman movie.´

´That actor is so hot,´ Jessica dreamingly sighed. I could not take this anymore. Fury took over that surprised Jasper, who could feel it.

´Easy there, Edward.´

´Is this what you´re hiding from me, Alice?´ I bitterly said.

´Relax now, will you? Think about yesterday. You´ve said so yourself that you´ve felt closer to her yesterday than you did all the months before. Just focus on that,´ Alice tried to calm me as well.

´How can I relax now?´ I snapped at both of them. Jasper used his powers again, a bit harder this time. That was good, I needed that. And I needed that for the whole day.

Once school was over, Bella and I continued our little routine. I drove in Emmett´s Hummer to our house and she was following me. This Biology assignment was truly a blessing. She did not ask why I was driving another car, though I doubted she was even interested in it anyway. Her mind was somewhere else and I hoped and craved it was somewhere with me. I felt possessive. This day made me feel emotions I had never felt before, ever. I was already jealous before in regards to Bella, but never to this extent. It was selfish of me since I knew I had no right to feel those feelings, but I still felt them. It was a craving, a craving to be the only man in her life and it made me sick to think of her going on a date with someone else instead of me. I was acting as a controlling prick and I knew I had absolutely no right to act as one. If I acted on these feelings, I would for sure lose any chance I might have with Bella and I could not risk it. The stakes were simply too high.

So I instead focussed on the woman who was sitting next to me. I concentrated on the task we had to fill in for Biology. Esme eventually also showed up, preparing some tea for Bella and another brownie. Her thoughts asked me why we were both so quiet but I did not want to answer her. Why Bella was this quiet, I had to idea. And I was quiet because my mind could not ease my emotions. We simply concentrated on our homework.

After one hour, we finished and Bella would leave. To her date. I felt sick to my stomach as I watched her drive away.

´What was that? I thought we had a great time yesterday?´ Esme asked as she stood next to me, waving Bella´s car goodbye.

´Yesterday was amazing, but today she´s going on a date,´ I answered truthfully. No need to lie to Esme.

´I see, and you´re jealous,´ she said as a matter of factly. She turned to face me.

´Before you go off on me, I know I have no reason for that. I´m not her boyfriend and she can date whoever she wants. I know that.´

She took my hand in hers. ´I wasn't even going to say that. Being jealous is a normal thing, Edward. You don't have to feel embarrassed about it. But the real question is; what are you going to do about it?´

I turned to face Esme. ´What do you mean?´

´She knows you love her, you´ve told her that before. And I can see you still dazzle her. I mean; you can hear her heartbeat when she's around you, right? She still holds you very dear to her heart, even if you don´t believe that. So, how are you going to act right now?´

I thought about it for a moment. ´Do you mean I have to crash their date?´

Esme angrily nudged me with her elbow. ´That's absolutely not what I meant. Haven´t I taught you any manners? No Edward, you need to woo her. You need to pursue her. Date her! You left her. We all did. And she could easily forgive me and Emmett because she doesn't hold a grudge against us. You and Alice need to step up your game now. I mean, she comes to our house regularly. So, now you can turn up the pace. Woo her. Make her trust you again. Stay with her and support her. That's what she needs right now.´

I let Esme´s words sink in for a moment. She was right, I needed to charm her right now. We were friendly at the moment and we haven't been for a few weeks, so now was the perfect time to step up my game. I wanted to thank Esme for her wise words when I heard Alice call me.

´Edward?´

´I´m outside with Esme,´ I answered her.

´Bella is alone at the movie theatre right now. Shall we go there?´

I was overjoyed and offended at the same time. Overjoyed because she was alone and was apparently stood up. Offended, because who in his right mind would stand up Bella? I looked at Esme who was obviously disappointed in us. Then, I looked at Alice who was beaming, ready to take the fastest car we own and accompany Bella to the movies. It was a battle between what was best for the short term versus what was best in the long run. If Bella saw us, she would know she spied on her and she would be mad. But, we could also pretend we wanted to watch this blockbuster. It was kind of ironic; vampires watching a Batman movie. And if she didn´t see us, we would have two hours to watch her. And since I hadn't watched her sleep in months, the only time I could see her was at school. And that time was scarce.

´Let´s go,´ I told Alice. I wanted to see her and that feeling won over all rational thoughts.

We took Alice´s yellow Cabrio and went to the movie theatre. The movie had already started once we bought the tickets. We sat at the back, and my eyes found Bella immediately. She was sitting in the front row with a bucket of popcorn on her lap. Much to my pleasure, it seems as if she enjoyed herself even though she had no date. Her scent was overpowering, the freesia smell lingered on my nostrils and I welcomed the pleasant feeling. Even if I had seen her a couple of minutes ago, all of me had missed her. I felt whole again, even if I was sitting a couple of meters away from her. Rosalie was right, it was pathetic. But I couldn't care less.

I looked at Alice, whose expression had matched mine. I knew she had also missed Bella tremendously. I had the pleasure of talking with Bella about our assignment but Alice had nothing. Bella and I were together in some classes and even sat next to each other in Biology, but Alice did not have that. She had missed her best friend and she could not do anything about it. So this little trip, even if it is as sneaky as it can get, was wonderful to us.

Obviously, we paid zero attention to the movies. We were only watching Bella. We were fascinated by the woman sitting in the front row who was enjoying herself.

The woman was clumsy and let her popcorn fall to the floor.

The woman who bent over to pick popcorn up from the floor.

The woman who mindlessly looked behind her.

The woman who caught my eyes and recognised me.

The woman was now furious.

´Shit,´ I heard Alice hiss next to me. Oh shit, if Alice starts to curse, you know the future will turn out horrible. She looked at me and I could clearly see the panic in her eyes. Oh no.

Bella stood up and quickly left the theatre. We followed her. Her pace screamed how angry she was, her shoulders were tense and her heartbeat quickened. I could smell the adrenaline in her blood. She walked straight towards her car before she turned around to face us. I don't think I had ever seen her this angry before, and I don't think I was ever this mesmerized by someone´s fury. Bella´s always so warm and kind, so collected and aware of everyone's thoughts and feelings, seeing her this outraged was something completely else.

´What are you both doing here?´ she demanded.

´We´re sorry, Bella,´ Alice pleaded.

´I´ve already heard that one. Now tell me, what exactly are you both doing here?´

´We can't really explain it…,´ I tried to explain to her.

´You better damn well try,´ she quickly responded before I could finish my sentence.

´Bella…,´ Alice began to cry. ´It's my fault. I just missed you so much. I haven't seen you in so long and I´m so sorry. I needed to see you. I had a vision you would be alone here tonight and I just… I hoped. I hoped I could find you here. I hoped you wouldn't see me and if you did, I just hoped you wanted to talk to me again. I´m so sorry, Bella. I was desperate. I´m so sorry.´ Alice bowed her head, whispering over and over how sorry she was. I had never seen her this devastated before.

Bella took a few deep breaths to control her anger. It did not work. ´So first you all leave, and now you follow me? Is that how we´ll be communicating from now on? Nothing versus smothering? Is that it?´

´I´m so sorry for leaving you, Bella. That was all my fault, I take the blame for that. I don't want to overwhelm you. It was unnecessary coming here, it was a mistake. But we never meant to smother you,´ I followed.

Bella returned her gaze towards mine. She looked so fragile, so heartbroken, so hurt. ´Do you have any idea of how much that has hurt me?´ she asked me, voice trembling. ´Do you have any idea of the pain you've put me through because of that? I'm still scared that the people around me will leave me someday, because of you. Do you have any idea of what you´ve done to me?´

I looked at her, returned her gaze and spoke as truthfully as I could and I hoped she could see it. ´I´m so sorry Bella. I know that doesn´t make anything right and I know my words mean nothing to you, but it's the truth. I should have never left. I should have talked to you about my concerns since it both concerned your future and mine. I should have never made that choice by myself. It was the worst decision I have ever made and I regret it every single second of every single day.´

She looked almost manic. She was panting, trying to suppress her emotions. I didn´t know if I could hold her or maintain my distance. She looked so broken, it scared me.

´Leaving me was so easy for you,´ Bella eventually managed to bring out. ´Why is it so hard for me to get over you in return? That isn't fair.´

´On the contrary, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. It killed me. I could only do it because I was thinking about your future. And how happy you would have been without me in your life. While for me, Bella, I´d rather live a miserable life without you in it, but you would be happy than to bring you in any danger. I would never forgive myself if I let something happen to you. It would kill me.´ I took a step forward in her direction. She was shaking and I wanted to offer her my jacket in case she was partially shaking due to the cold.

´Why did you only come when I was in the hospital? Why did it take you all those months to come back to me?´ she asked while declining my jacket. Still as stubborn as ever.

´I would return to you any day. I was… done. I was done staying away from you, I couldn't do it anymore. And then Alice had a vision, and I thought I would be too late. That I could never see you again. That I could never tell you again how much I love you and much you've changed my existence. It was torture, thinking I was too late.´ I shrugged, thinking back to that day. I was already in a desperate need to return to Forks again and that vision made it a billion times worse.

´And why did you never reached out to me?´ she asked Alice.

´Believe me, Bella. I've wanted to. I begged Edward to please not leave. I could see how it would affect you all. It was horrendous to watch. I begged Edward, but he thought he was doing the right thing. That he was never supposed to be close to you to begin with. And he is my brother, I have to respect his wishes. And he wished we left you alone so we did. Or at least, we tried. But I've wanted to call you, every single day, you have to believe me.´

Bella started to fully cry now. Her silent sobs came in waves, breaking my heart any further with each exhale of her breath. ´I don't know what to believe. I want to believe you both, I really do. But I'm scared. And I´m afraid you will all leave again. I´m still human. I fall, I trip, I stumble, that's just what I do. If I won´t cut my finger today, I will fall tomorrow and get a cut in my knee. Think about that. I also miss you all, so much, but I can´t handle you leaving me again. I can´t. I really can't. I´m so sorry.´

She got into her car. I was frozen in place. I could not let her leave, not in the state she was currently in. She could get into another car accident. I rushed over to her side, asking her to open the window which she hesitantly did.

´Please, let me drive you. I´m begging you.´

She watched in awe, unsure what to do. Eventually, she gave in.

´Fine, hop on in.´

A/N: That awkward moment when the author messes up everyone´s lives. I don´t know what came over me, I´ll guess I´m a soulless monster ;) So my deepest apologies to you all. The worst part is that I actually enjoyed writing this so I´m a mean person. I´m sorry, mea culpa, het spijt me. Perfect characters make boring stories!