Trigger Warning

Chapter includes suicide.

Chapter 25

Nothingness

8 years ago

June 2021

"You look so beautiful, Ana," Kate marveled at the sigh of me in the full-length mirror.

"I'll look beautiful once I wear makeup," I disagreed with her.

"Nonsense! Look! You're extremely gorgeous," she expressed with sheer delight.

We were in her estate and I was lucky enough to wear a gown her friend designed. Kate insisted that I need not worry about what I'm going to wear in the wedding because she has more than ten wedding gowns gifted to her when she became the bride. Well, she's very popular and friendly so it was no surprise that a lot of her friends would give her these gowns as her presents. The one wedding gown she wore from her gold-themed wedding was the one she chose together with Mia and me.

I frowned at that thought. Mia was supposed to be here.

"What's wrong, doll?" Kate asked with eyes full of concern.

"Nothing," I said. I didn't want to ruin the mood. Kate was so happy that I liked one of her gowns and it was a perfect fit for me. I slowly spun around and Kate teared up a little.

"You're so gorgeous," she complimented me for a millionth time.

The gown hugged my entire body tightly and the long sleeves added much elegance to it. The laces were covered in pearls too. It was close-necked too so I agreed with Kate when she said that she'd like to tie my hair in an updo. Kate's favorite part of the dress was the back since it really bared it all. From the bottom of my nape going to the bottom of my spine, there wasn't any fabric. It would usually made me uncomfortable but I felt good with how the dress fit me.

"Why am I the excited one? Oh gosh, you and Christian both deserve to be happy!" Kate told me and I gave her a smile.

"You and Elliott deserve to be happy too," I said.

"Yeah, we are," she affirmed unconvincingly.

We were going to have a church wedding. I really wanted it to be very simple, just a simple civil wedding in the court, but of course, Christian didn't agree. Kate and Elliott were involved too. They insisted on keeping the wedding fabulous and all, but really, I just wanted to marry him.

"I just want what's best for you, Ana," Christian would always say when we talked about this wedding.

We had been preparing this wedding for months now and I didn't expect it to be this exhausting. At work, calls had multiplied and we had to render overtime. I had been really busy that I could barely speak with Mom and Ella. I was trying to balance everything especially that I took in a part time job too, just to help out with the expenses.

Christian, on the other hand, was having a hard time at medical school too. I was very worried because he lost weight and sleep, but what kept him going was his drive to make the world a better place by being a medical doctor. He was so tired but whenever we talked about our wedding, his face would light up.

"Kate, are you okay?" I asked her since she zoned out.

"No, I'm not," she told me with a sad smile.

"What's wrong?" I sat right next to her on the bed, still in the wedding dress.

She looked down and said, "I got my period this morning."

"It's okay. You can try again," I rubbed my hands on her back, soothing her, telling her that it's okay. She and Elliott had been trying to have a baby ever since they got married but they just can't get pregnant.

She almost told me more about this but was halted when my phone rang. I answered my phone and just like that, things changed forever.

What I heard affected me, affected my life. In the worst ways I couldn't imagine.

My entire body went cold and trembled. My breath was running out and I couldn't seem to comprehend what I just heard.

Things were supposed to get better. They were supposed to be fine.

But how could life screw you up when you thought things were going to look up?

Present Day

Dr. Daisy pressed her back against her chair as she stared at my crying form. I was a wreck in front of her but right now, I didn't care. My entire face was wet from the tears I cried and I didn't think that they would stop.

I grabbed a napkin to wipe the mess I was, but nothing seemed to help. Recalling everything was painful and reminded me of how badly my life turned out. I still blamed myself for what happened.

"What was the call about?" Dr. Daisy asked calmly.

"I . . . uh . . . I—" I couldn't tell her without breaking down.

"It's okay, Ana. Take your time. Take a few breaths and tell me," Dr. Daisy told me softly. Her voice was soothing and at the same time, I didn't feel like I was being rushed or pressured to talk about what happened. I took a second and then a few minutes to tell her what happened.

"Doc," my voice cracked.

"What happened?" she asked with a consoling smile.

"Mom got arrested that day. She was being pressured and threatened to pay off a huge debt. She issued a postdated cheque and it bounced. She never had money to put in the bank and she found herself in jail."

Hurt and empathy flushed in Doc Daisy's eyes before she took down notes once more. "How much was the debt and how long was she in jail?"

"It was $50,000 including interests. It was an amount she borrowed from Ella's parents' classmates and it was only for then days, b-but . . . but what happened after, completely changed everything."

"What happened after?"

There was no way to tell her without crying.

8 years ago

June 2021

Kate drove me to the apartment and it felt like I didn't have the face to look at her. There was so much pity in her eyes that I just wanted to hide away and never exist.

Before, I was a girl who dared to dream big and become the writer that she aspired to be. But now, I was nothing but a woman who had lost every touch of spark. I felt utterly, completely pathetic. My mom had been detained and fear was very evident in her eyes. She already experienced a lot when Dad died but this was all too much. Annie, the mom of Ella's classmate was there too and she screamed at me and how wretched we are for not paying them the money they owe.

Kate insisted I take her help but me and Mom couldn't stand it. Kate didn't have her own money. It's from her parents and what happens if the Kavanaugh's find out? We'd be dragged further down the mud and treated like shit.

"If you need help, Ana, I am here," Kate said before I left her car.

I tried not to scream at her. For once, I just needed Kate not to be insistent with this. No matter what happens, me and my Mom will never take a single penny from the Kavanaughs. We will never do that. All we got left was our pride.

Going inside our apartment, I wanted nothing but to just take a deep sleep and wish never to wake up again. I knew I had to find a way to get my mother out of jail, but my mind was completely drained. I was busy working full time and part time, I had a wedding to think about which I knew would have to be delayed, and we were getting into too much trouble. This was all becoming so much. I've had more than enough.

"Ella? Ella?" I called out my sister's name but received no response. It's already past seven in the evening and she must be here already.

The eerie silence was creeping me out. I was not used to this. Something was terribly wrong.

"Ella? Ella?"

I knocked on her door but there wasn't anybody there. I shook my head and looked to the right side. The bathroom door was a few inches open. I hastily walked inside, wanting to see that Ella's doing okay.

The door swung right open and what I saw made everything else freeze. I fell down to my knees and screamed on top of my lungs. It was a look of horror; one can never ever forget. It was the sight I will never un-see. My tears broke free and they fell down with no sense of cautiousness. My heart crushed, never to repair once more.

It was the sight of Ella, just 16. Very pale in a waterless bathtub, both wrists tainted in red. Blade right on the edge of the tub, glimmering in the worst kind of velvet. Her eyes wide open, staring into nothing, lips cracked, and the floor dripping in blood.

She took her own life. It meant she was gone. It meant she was dead. And worst of all, she left by choice.

-page break-

Dear Mom and Ana,

When you read this, I'm probably gone by then. I am sorry. I know it will hurt you but I have been hurting every single day.

My whole heart is fragile and I feel completely hollow inside. Ever since I got into high school, emptiness was the only thing I felt. I don't feel like I am not good enough for anything. My schoolmates were right: I was not pretty nor was I smart. There was nothing special about me. Each time I look into the mirror, all I can think about is what's lacking in me.

I try to shake these thoughts away by distracting myself in social media but no matter what I do, I am constantly being reminded about how awful I was. I barely have any friends and most of them would criticize how ugly I was inside and out.

Mom, I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I know you're trying your best to make things work and here I am, I can't even study right. I still get low grades no matter how hard I try. What they're saying is true. I'm clearly dumb.

And Ana, you're supposed to be happy. You're supposed to be going to school. You're supposed to achieve your dream. You're the golden child and not me. I should've been the one who sacrificed more. I am sorry for everything. If it weren't for me, you should have been living your dream right now.

Please don't ever think that this was your fault. I was in pain and there's no hope and there's no way out. This is the only way for me to be happy. I will be with Dad and everything will be okay.

I love you, Mom. I love you, Ana. Don't worry about me. My pain is over.

Yours forever,

Ella

Ella was declared dead on arrival. I was told that she was gone. But I was still here. I was still sitting on the same chair in the hallway. I was clinging on to the note she wrote in a scratched yellow pad. I didn't have the energy to cry. It really can't sink into me that the sister I sacrificed everything for ended her life.

Her pain ended but it didn't stop. Suicide creates this illusion that the pain will come to an end, but the truth was suicide just passes that pain on endlessly. It was the kind of pain I would never ever forget.

"Ana! Ana!" I heard Christian's voice and I immediately stood up.

He was running along the hallway and as soon as his eyes spot mine, he didn't hesitate to come to my direction.

I thought it was all gone. I thought I was done crying. I thought it was completely over. But when his arms were around mine, I just lost it. I got lost in his arms and surrendered all my pain to him. He was all I had right now and I was clinging on to him.

"I'm sorry," he kept whispering over and over.

My arms enveloped around his body tighter as I wept at how torturously painful this was. I felt as though I was being flayed alive.

If I had only noticed that behind her smile was a cry, that behind her long sleeves top was a wrist cut through, that behind her laughter was a suppressed cry, had I done something to make her stop? To make her feel that life was still worth living?

If only I had the chance to notice what really was going on, would she have stayed?

"I'll make this right. I promise, I'll make this right," Christian vowed firmly to my ear.

I didn't know what he meant but what he did next made think he was lying at this very moment.

RIP Ella.

Depression hides in happy faces. You could be a comedian but still be consumed by hopelessness and sadness inside.

This chapter is dedicated to my friend who ended his life a year ago. You are missed and we love you.

Thank you so much, guys for reading this chapter.

I know that the pacing of the story is slow and is not perfect but I am writing it with all my heart and I appreciate those who feel such emotion when reading this story. Your private messages and reviews touch me so deeply.

Thank you again.

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Thank you. – Cloud