Chapter 26

What Love Meant

Christian's POV

Present Day

2029

I never knew what love meant. All I knew was that it was only a word.

Growing up, I never heard those three words spoken to me. Dad and Mom were never around as they made it crystal clear that nothing mattered more than the company they inherited.

My older brother, Elliott was never one to express his feelings. He was the golden child and all expectations and responsibilities were handed over to him. No matter how well he did, he'd still face criticisms.

Mia and I tried to do better and strived to get noticed. We did well in school and did what we could to buy our parents' love and attention. No matter what we did, it was always Elliott who gets noticed and often by what he's lacking.

Then one day, I accidentally got into a scuffle in school. I was called to the headmaster's office and for the first time, I felt like my father and mother cared. They were there and of course, berated me once we went home. I was happy though, because for once, they cared about me.

I started not caring for school. I didn't study. I became rowdy and all I did was party when possible. I made out and slept with a bunch of nameless and faceless girls. Alcohol got into my system and I did some smoking too. I was completely okay living a directionless life. Love, after all, was only a word.

But that was until I met her.

"Thank you, Dr. Grey. See you next time," the mom of patient interrupted my thoughts. They went out of the door and I breathed out a long sigh afterwards.

As much as I passionately loved my job, there was no denying that I was becoming so exhausted. That was the twentieth patient I had for today and there were still fifteen more on queue. I needed a break.

"Gail?"

"Yes, Doc?" Gail, who happened to be my secretary now semi-entered the room.

"Give me five minutes please and then I can check on the next patient," I told her.

She smiled and nodded with understanding. She shut the door and gave me some time to take a little break.

The truth was I was more restless today since Ana was in the same building. Yes, she may be on the third floor and I on the fourth, but I can come to her and be there during her therapy. It took every inch and ounce of me not to come over to Doc Daisy's office and soothe her back as she cried. My heart felt so heavy when I watched her enter her clinic alone.

Fuck you, Christian. Stop being stupid, my inner voice smacked me to consciousness. I huffed to myself.

What right did I have to be there with her . . . if I was the one who caused her so much pain?

I laid my back on my chair and sighed for another round as I stared at the frame on my table. It was a photo of my daughter and Ana. Willow was facing Ana and they were laughing about a joke she made up.

I secretly took it while we were in the park and every time I looked at it, I felt stabbed right through the chest. And, who was the bearer of the knife? It was me, of course.

I was the one who fucked up so bad.

It was me to blame and no one else.

-page break-

It all played out like a movie inside my head. The eight years I spent with Ana shaped who I was now and these were the years I completely knew what love meant.

She always spent the afternoons with Mia and to be honest, I really didn't care. For me, she was this young freshman girl was just another pretty face. Her father happened to be teacher who despised me most and that was it. We weren't even meant to be friends and all.

However, it all changed when I saved her from Grace. Her face trembled at the intimidating and belittling gaze of my mother that time. I knew I had to step in and help her out.

And so, I did. The moment she stepped inside my car, my life changed forever.

Everything I wanted to talk about, she can get so easily. We were completely different people but each time we converse, I felt as though everything in the universe aligned and I was with that one person who understood me most.

We formed a friendship—one that's not easily ruined. It was born from the strongest grounds and in cemented foundations. I loved her as a friend, as a human being, and eventually, as a lover.

Of course, I had to prove myself to her. I was this kid from school—born privileged and who didn't give a damn about everyone. I shamelessly passed my subjects because of my parents' influence and at sixteen, I'd spend drunken nights under random lampposts and I'd sleep with whoever opens her legs first. I wasn't myself but because I wanted to be worthy for her, I had to change.

I avoided parties, stopped hanging out with my so-called friends, and did my best in school. She gave me the chance and from then on, I became the best version of myself.

Being with Ana made me realize that love meant never having to be insufficient to get someone's affection. It was all about being who you are—flaws and shortcomings included—but still be adored sincerely.

I was so in love with her. We were in love. And, we had it all figured out.

I would be Dr. Grey and she would be the journalist breaking the most important news in the world. We would be someone in the future, one step at a time, and taking each step hand-in-hand. It was supposed to work out and we would defeat all odds. However, it was easier dreamed than done.

Everything changed when her father died and her family drowned in debt. She had to stop schooling and work in a call center which she dreaded.

We had trials together. Mia left, Ella left. Our hearts were broken over and over again but I was trying my very best to hold Ana and myself together. She was my backbone throughout the years of struggles in medical school and family kicking me out of the manor. Regardless of how difficult, she was there even though she didn't have the strength to hold on. I was grasping her hand as strongly as I could in order to save us.

The day after Mia's funeral, I came to school and saw that Grace was already waiting there.

I sat beside her in the stationed car and that's when she made the offer. She asked me to leave med school in order to work for her company since Elliott secretly resigned. She wanted me to take over as CEO someday. She asked me to marry Leila Williams, for business purposes, in exchange of Ana getting $85 million dollars.

My blood boiled at her insensitive proposal. I stormed out of the car and cursed her. I told her never to reach out to me again.

I tried to forget about Grace's offer and continued with my life—my very difficult yet fulfilling life with Ana.

Unbeknownst to Ana, I became more exhausted and tired because I never had any free time. While studying in med school, I decided to work in a 24-hour convenience store so I could earn money for the wedding ring. Ana may have refused my offer to help her and her family out but she could not have stopped me from working temporarily to buy a wedding ring.

She said yes on the second time I proposed and to say I was the happiest man in the world was an understatement.

The path to our happy ending may not have been straight and we had to swerve the bumps and get lost in the zigzag road, but we were there. We were almost there in our destination.

In my lab gown, I would come to her and the kids and she would ask my opinion regarding the article she wrote for the national paper.

And that night happened.

-page break-

8 years ago

June 2021

I pulled the duvet over Ana's body as she slept deeply. She cried relentlessly until she fell asleep in my arms when we were still in the hospital. I drove her to my pad and her eyes never fluttered open. She was too physically and emotionally tired.

While she slept peacefully on the bed, I can't help but stare at her brokenness. Her mother's in jail and her sister's dead. They were my family too and every part of me ached at the tragedy. I still can't believe it. Nothing about this day was okay. I used to find the bright side to everything, but this was complete pure darkness.

The longer I stared at her, the more I saw how fragile she was. Every part of her ached and there was only one thing I could do.

I thought about what Grace offered and as difficult as it was, I knew that I had to do it.

My Ana was completely worn out. Years and years of unfortunate events took the life out of her. I would do whatever it takes to give that life back . . . even if it cost mine.

As she deeply slept, I reached out and clasped her hand with mine.

This was it, huh? This was the only way.

"Love, I am so sorry for everything. I know I was not the best partner but I did my best to show you how much love you.

I was busy with medical school and focused on becoming a doctor, but that didn't mean I never noticed anything. You would cry before going to bed but quickly flash a smile each time I needed to lift my spirits up.

Ever since your father died, so much was depended on you but you never neglected me. I was always part of your life and never have I ever felt forgotten nor neglected. Even though you were hurting, you strived to be strong for me."

Tears streamed down my face. Shit! I was never one to cry.

I held her hand tighter and whispered, "It kills me to be separated from you, but it kills me more to see you die each day. I love you, Ana and that's why I have to do this."

I sniffled, "You should go back to school. You shouldn't worry about debts. You and your mom only have each other now and you deserve to be happy. Never worry anymore. Never face insults. I love you, Ana. So much."

She was still caught up in her deep sleep. I wiped the tears away and leaned close to kiss her forehead, her eyes, her nose, and her lips. I took my time and savored every second of our kiss.

Ana slowly woke up and kissed me back feverishly.

Our kisses were fierce and relentless. We didn't dare to stop. Our clothes were torn apart as we tasted every inch of our skin.

She straddled and rode me until pleasure was the only feeling I had. We were the moon and the ocean—our bodies unite in tidal waves. In and out, rise and fall, all the while our bodies united as one.

Our eyes locked together and hands with engagement rings entangled so tightly. We were soul and body united, fit strongly like a glove. My body was made for her just as her body was made for mine.

She captured me, both body, heart, and soul—in every way a woman can touch a man. She was born from my ribs, my Eve in our own Garden of Eden.

Throughout the night, the stars aligned and the constellations spelled out her name. Explosions in the starry universe pixelate my once clear sight.

She lied on top of me, panting, catching her breath. I pulled her close, oh so close.

That night I wordlessly told her I loved her despite of what I'll do next. I made love to her once more like the first time, just like all times, and for the last time.

-page break-

8 years ago

July 2021

Mom really loved me, didn't she? After accepting her offer, I expected her to at least see me in person but what did I get? I had a lawyer show up in my pad the following day and just as I demanded, they settled Carla's debts as soon as possible and had her out of prison afterwards.

I signed shitloads of papers and I read all words, then agreed to the terms and conditions. What's the use? These papers sealed the deal. I agreed to sign a death sentence. It was a life without the woman I love.

But, my feelings didn't matter, right? She was the only one who mattered. They're debt-free and when she gets that money, she can go to school and live her dreams.

"We'll miss you, Man," Carl told me.

I was emotionless after officially dropping out of med school. If this meant that Ana will achieve her dreams, then this was more than okay. She was the better one between us two and she had every right to pursue her dreams.

"Good luck, alright. You'll make it, future docs," I told Carl and the rest of the squad. This was the squad I did group studies with, spent sleepless nights for long quizzes, and these were the same group I thought I'd spend post-graduate internship and residency with. I truly cherished our friendship.

"You too, Doc. It's never too late after all," Carl told me. He was always the positive one.

I gave him a sad smile before saying goodbye.

Driving back home, I tried to hold it in. I hadn't even said goodbye to Ana yet but everything already felt heavy. There wasn't anything to make me feel better but the assurance that after this, she would be okay and that she would live peacefully. I cared about nothing else but her living a life that will make her happy and proud of herself.

I swung the door of my pad open and immediately froze on my tracks when I saw her sitting on the sofa. I didn't have the energy to do anything, so this room was completely messy when I left. Now, it was completely clean.

"Hey, you're back," Ana ran to me and wrapped her arms around my body.

I stood there motionlessly. I tried ignore my desire to envelope her in arms and cover her with kisses. She wasn't mine anymore and I had to get use to that.

"I cleaned up your place. So, do you have your index cards ready? Shall we study?"

There she was again. She was still grieving since it hadn't been long since Ella was buried. Still, she tried her best to be there for me. I truly didn't deserve her.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked softly and reached out to touch my face.

I immediately took a step back and her facial expression instantly changed. She was confused and I tried my best to harden my heart in my chest.

"Christian, what's wrong?" she asked with evident worry in her voice.

"You have to leave, Ana. You have to go," I coldly said.

"Why? Are you tired? If you are, then I'll leave and go back tomorrow to bring you breakfast and—"

"You must leave permanently," I said while uttering every syllable slowly. I didn't have any emotion at all.

"Wh-what?" she barely whispered.

I straightened my back and lifted my head up high, "You and I. We're done, Ana. We can't go on like this."

She stood there, stunned for a few minutes before saying, "You do not mean what you say, Christian."

"Yes, I do. Ana, we have to end this. I can't marry you anymore," I took my ring off and tossed it to the side. She flinched at that and still stared into my eyes incredulously.

"Christian, what's going on?" She asked with tears in her eyes. Fuck! I was making her cry. I hated myself but I knew I had to do this.

"I do not want to marry you anymore," I uttered with the same amount of coldness.

She took a deep breath and while crying, she asked, "Is it because our wedding got delayed? I can marry you tomorrow. It doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to be elegant. We can get married with one witness and we're good, right?" Her voice cracked from time to time.

"Don't you get it? I don't love you anymore," I lied.

Her whole demeanor changed. She was taken aback. She could believe what I just said.

"You don't love me anymore?"

I shook my head.

"That couldn't be. You're—you're kidding, right? Tell me this was all just a lie or a prank. I don't care if you've gone too far, but please tell me this isn't real," she practically begged as she reached to touch both of my hands.

She was making this difficult. She wouldn't let this go. I knew I had to cross the line. I knew I had to target her weakest point.

I grabbed both of her wrists and lied straight into her eyes, "Ana, I loved you. But you are not what I am supposed to end up with. I should end up with a businesswoman, lawyer, or doctor. The one who I can be proud of. It's just not you, Ana. I could never be proud of you. Not now and not ever."

The look on her face was enough to tell how much I had hurt her. She looked slapped and shot at the same time. Her face went pale and I felt her skin go cold. She froze like a statue and my hardened gaze didn't falter.

It took her awhile before she freed her wrists from my grasp and took a step back.

She opened her lips to say something but nothing came out.

"I have to marry someone so much better than you," I added insult to injury.

My heart constrained at the sight of her crying. She was wordlessly screaming with her eyes. I gathered everything in me not to break down before her.

"Is there someone else?" her voice cracked.

There was never anyone else. It was only her.

"Yes," I lied.

"Oh," she sobbed before me, bent, and wrapped her arms around herself. I looked away and shed a tear. I felt like a monster, I felt like the most horrible person there was to exist. She was bawling before me and I could not do anything.

"Wh-who? Who is she?"

"She's going to be a lawyer," I answered. She would eventually find out about our engagement one day.

She straightened her back and nodded to herself, as if she was accepting defeat.

"Do you love her?" she asked with the smallest voice.

"It's not a matter of love, Ana. I am a Trevelyan-Grey, why should I suffer your misfortunes with you? I deserve so much better than this life, don't you think? I deserve so much more than a call center agent. I deserve so much more than you, Ana," I wanted to punch myself with all of those words.

She was crying endlessly as she nodded her head.

"I get it. I get it. I understand," she nodded over and over. She took the ring off her finger and placed it on the table by her right.

"Now, please leave and never come back," I opened the door widely for her and she took a deep breath before running outside.

As soon as I saw her enter the elevator, I slammed the door shut and screamed on top of my lungs.

I threw everything my hands can touch. I destroyed her, broke her and I had no choice. It was the price I had to pay so she could live a better life.

"AAAAHHHH! FUCKKK!" I screamed on top of my lungs and threw everything to the wall, to the ceiling, to the floor. The lamp, the vase, the table, the pillows, everything I touched was broken. Including her. Including the one I loved most.

The room wailed in my loudest sobs as I pressed my back against the wall. I slowly slid down until I sat on the tiled floor. I yelled on top of my lungs to let out all the pain and the hatred I had towards myself.

The room was a complete mess and my arms had cuts from all the broken things. I looked to my right and the engagement ring was there. I picked it up amid the shattered pieces of the vase.

Love, I thought, meant sacrifice.

I know there will be lots of questions like, what about the money? Or why is Ana still unhappy up to now? Or why didn't Christian come back?

It will all be answered.

Thank you for reading.

Any thoughts?

Thank you -Cloud