Chapter 30

Forgive and Forget

Present Day

2029

The atmosphere of our therapy was quite lighter than I expected. Doc Daisy's face was bright as she listened to how I've been doing since our last session two weeks ago. The sincerity was evident in her smile as she listened to my every word.

I gave her an update about how I didn't falter in taking my meds on time. I told her about my exercise and of course, the writings I did.

"So, are you going to Kate's party?"

I nodded. My heart was beating loudly beneath my chest. So many mixed emotions were rising. There was excitement in the anticipation of seeing Kate once more and there's also fear. What if she's mad at me? She tried many times to reach out to me after my break up with Christian years ago but I never answered any of her calls. She came to our house but Mom never let her in.

Doc Daisy took notes and smiled, "This is actually great, Ana. I am so happy that you took my advice in reaching out to old friends."

I smiled back and shyly expressed, "I'm quite excited to see them again." I wanted to see Kate, Ethan, and Elliott.

"Now, I'd like to ask more about your writings. Did you take my advice in writing about yourself?" Doc Daisy's voice was hopeful and her eyes were transparent. She was hoping I would say yes.

When I nodded once more, she smiled.

I straightened my back and told her about how I felt in the months of writing down my thoughts.

"Doc, uhm… I realized that… I am not as bad as I think I am," I told her with a small smile. Her face can't conceal her happiness.

To be honest, I was not completely fine but I was on my way—baby steps, little by little, I was slowly coming back to who I was before. I told her that when I decided to see the good in me and started to treat myself kindly, I saw the truth. I wasn't perfect and I didn't have it all, but I got up every morning to fight for my daughter. I was trying every day of my life and I was… strong. I had always been.

There were so many whispers in my head. There were thoughts ridiculing me and reminding me of how small I was compared to anyone. But each time those thoughts came rushing in, I open my notebook and read all the kind thoughts I had to myself.

It wrote: I am enough. I have always been enough.

I shared, "It felt so good, Doc when I finally told Christian that I am not what he said I was. Yes, I'm not a lawyer, a businesswoman, a doctor, or a person with a high paying job, but I'm still someone to be proud of. I am enough."

Those words were the sweetest. No matter how many times I said it, it still felt so good. It kept me warm and at home. Like I was almost there—almost there to see the old me.

Doc Daisy relaxed and agreed, "Yes, you are, Ana. You know, I believe your mom, your friends, and your daughter have always seen your worth. But, you will never appreciate it if you yourself don't see it first. I'm glad you see it now."

I looked down and smiled.

Then, she cleared her throat and asked, "Now, let's talk about Christian."

"What about him?" I raised my brow.

"Have you already had an honest talk about your past?"

"No," I confirmed.

"Why not?" She asked tenderly.

I didn't say anything.

Doc Daisy said, "Ana, the reason why I am asking is because I can feel that there are so many unspoken words hiding in your chest and begging to come out. If you keep those feelings inside, bottle them up, and let it rot as time passes by, it will turn into poison. At some point, you would have to express it to him."

I sighed, "I don't know. I am not ready."

She nodded and waited for me to say more. She always knew when I was about to explain more.

"Well, Doc, we were okay. I was okay with him being around our daughter. For me, I am fine if he's just Christian, Willow's father and not Christian, my former lover. I help myself be comfortable around him for Willow and the only way to do it is to think that he's a separate person. I only see him as Willow's Dad and not more."

Doc Daisy nodded and replied, "I can't blame you, Ana. After all that you've been through, it won't be easy to express your feelings anymore."

I didn't trust him and I didn't trust myself. I knew that if I were to talk about everything that we've been through before, I would lash out him, scream curses, and return all the insults. I didn't want that.

"But at some point, Ana, you have to let it out. When you're ready, okay? There is no need to rush," she continued speaking in her usual motherly voice.

I gave her a quick nod and said, "I don't think I'll ever completely forgive and forget."

Doc Daisy gave me that wise look in her eyes when she advised, "Forgiving and forgetting are not co-existent, Ana. You can forget without forgiving and you can forgive without forgetting. You just have to choose one and you'll find that peace in you."

"I don't want him to have that satisfaction. I don't want him to have that power over me," my voice was harsh when I admitted, my pride still strong for it was all I had.

"You don't forgive and you don't forget for his benefit, but it's for your own. When you do either of the two, you don't give him power at all. Forgetting or forgiving Christian doesn't say that you give him power over you. Rather, it's the other way around.

It is like you're saying: 'I choose to forget or forgive you because I deserve to move on and be freed from your grip over me'. And, I am fully aware, Ana, that it never happens overnight. It is a process and lifelong for some, but taking the first step would begin that journey."

What she said truly made a mark on me. I neither forgave nor forgot. All this time I thought that if I were to do either of those things, he would be powerful. But this whole time, he had this power over me. His words still weighed on my heart, wrapped like barbed wires around my veins. They caused such heaviness all these years and I never broke free.

"He made me feel small. He made me feel ashamed of myself. He destroyed me," I told her the truth.

Those words hurt so much but they cut deeper knowing that it was from him. The love attached to it was the reason why it cut through the skin, then down to my bones, and then straight to my soul. If those words came from someone else, it would hurt less. But it all came from him, and that's the part that hurt so much.

"He destroyed me," I said with such despise, first time noticing that my cheeks were already wet.

"You will rebuild yourself. I am sure of it. We will work on it, Ana," she promised.

I nodded and wiped my tears.

Then, she looked straight into my eyes. Her piercing blue eyes cutting like glacial ice in the winters blowing into me. She was coming into a realization as evident in the way she looked at me. She was analyzing me intricately and I suddenly felt like a mouse trapped in a box.

"You still love him," she stated, sounding like she just came into a conclusion.

"No, I don't," I denied. I wanted to say that it was true, but she knew that I was lying.

"It's okay to admit that you still love him, Ana. It's not a sign of weakness."

"It is weakness, Doc. Like, I'm so pathetic, aren't I? He said all those and I still have these fucking feelings for him," I was angry. I was really angry. Eight fucking years apart and I still have stupid feelings for him.

"No, you are not pathetic. You are not weak. You know what you are, Ana? You are alive. You have a bruised, battered, and broken heart, but it's still beating. It's still working."

I just looked away.

"Some feelings never fade in this life, Ana. Hearts choose on their own and feel on their own; It's beyond our control. It's one of those things that science fails to rationalize. A person could hurt you over and over, but your heart still beats for him.

But you have to know, that just because you still love someone, doesn't mean you have to choose him. You are not required to go back or to hit replay. You can choose yourself—you can choose to love yourself more. When you forgive and forget or if you could choose between those two, you don't have to go back to him. You move on and you go on freely."

I stared at her and somehow found a way to smile as she looked at me with a soft expression.

This had opened my heart to finally realize that I didn't have to feel pathetic about having feelings for him. Years and years passed by and I always reprimanded myself for thinking of my feelings as weak. I guess it was time for me to recognize that these feelings exist not because I was frail or feeble, but because I was simply human.

Maybe the day will never come that I will 'un-love' him, but I can live past that and go on in this life. You can love someone but still choose not to be with them especially if they are not good for you.

"I guess you're right, Doc," I found myself agreeing with her. I didn't have to hate myself for this.

"We really are making progress," she smiled.

-page break-

Saturday afternoon was golden and bright. The summer drive gave me such a relaxing vibe. The New York sky perfectly complimented the tall buildings and the number of passers-by remind me that life kept moving. Each day was different for someone else. Today, I will reconnect with my friends.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Willow asked for about a hundred times. We were seated at the backseat of Christian's car. I held her still as she can't stop moving with excitement.

Mom sat on the front seat and laughed at Willow's energy.

"We're near, Wil. Just a few more minutes," Christian smiled.

Willow said, "Wow! Really, Daddy?"

"Really, really," Christian confirmed goofily while focusing on the road.

The stereo was playing but we were not able to hear the songs well. Willow was too noisy. She kept talking about how she would meet and play with her cousins. Of course, she's excited. We couldn't blame her. When Mom handed her phone to Willow, she started to turn silent as she focused on playing a dress-up game.

The song in the stereo changed and it was A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton. I immediately froze. It was the exact song Christian and I jammed and bopped into when he first offered me a ride back home. I was frozen still and I tried not to mind. It was a happy memory of him and me; the two of us so young and just laughing to the catchy rhythm of the song.

I just focused on the sight outside the car window. I knew that we were near the Kavanaugh's estate. The path to the gate is a long road surrounded by the lush trees. The leaves and perfectly complimented the golden rays of light from the sun.

Memories swept back in and I thought of when Christian would drive me to Kate's. I would always ask him to open the car windows so I can inhale the air outside. I told him that the trees were saying hello and the wind was welcoming me as we drove by.

As if he was thinking the same, Christian suddenly rolled the windows open. I was confused at first so I stared at him, his back facing me and I could tell he was concentrating on driving. I just shrugged.

I closed my eyes and leaned closer to the window. The wind was friendly, ticklish against my skin when it said hello. I looked up and marveled at how gorgeous the sunray peeked through the spaces between the leaves of trees. The world was in motion and it just felt so beautiful. The tender sounds of the piano coming from the stereo made the moment dreamier than it already was.

My lower arms rested on the edge of the open window. I placed the bottom my chin atop my wrist and looked up to the sky like a sungazer. My eyes closed and my heart open. I smiled at how homey the world felt. This was so familiar.

After a few minutes, I opened and I turned to look to my right. I could clearly see Christian staring at me through the sideview mirror with that same expression on his face.

I suddenly was brought to my senses. I shook my head and closed my window.

What was I doing? I smiled sadly and straightened my back. My fingers laced through Willow's soft hair as she was still concentrating on her game.

It was beautiful outside—rare, pretty, and a sweet reminder of the past.

But I didn't have to go back.

I didn't want to anymore.

Thank you for your reviews last chapter and for your private messages as well.

Ana is indeed in a journey headed to self love. :)

We will see how Kate, Ethan, and Elliott are doing next chapter.

What do you think of this chapter? – Cloud