A/N: Sorry this chapter is so late, this has been a really rough week. Also in my last author's note I meant close to the Battle of the Tower but you know haha
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE - EVERYTHING LOST
Hermione insisted that Severus stay at Spinner's End for a few more days, just to be certain there were no aftereffects, even though he was clearly back to himself. He agreed to stay through the weekend and Monday, but Severus was not too eager to be away from Hogwarts any longer, not with all that was happening. And being there would be a good distraction from his doubts about the past two weeks. He was worried about the things that happened and the things he said that he couldn't remember. Severus was also worried about what might happen if, as he suspected, Nagini bit him and he managed to survive. How long would he be out then? How much would he say and do that he couldn't remember? Part of him hoped he wouldn't survive, he had never expected to until this strange partnership had formed between him and Hermione. And really, what did it even change?
Hermione pulled whatever she was baking out of the oven and a knock sounded at the door. Her eyes met his and in a blink, her wand was in her hand. The two of them stalked out of the kitchen and into the living area, Severus prowling forward to look outside. Severus sighed and lowered his wand, shaking his head at Hermione and pulled the door open.
"Severus, good to meet you again. Hermione, always a pleasure."
"Sterling, we weren't expecting you." Hermione moved forward to guide the seer to the armchair.
"I heard of Severus' absence from Hogwarts and found myself concerned."
"No need." Severus said stiffly, standing behind the couch and resting his palms on the back.
"We are working on a potion and Severus decided to test in on himself."
There was a quiet pause, then Sterling tilted his head in a way that looked alarmingly like he was looking through Severus.
"Did you happen to die?"
"We think so… why?" Hermione answered, leaning forward.
"Your soul is different, Severus. You touched the other side. Tell me, did you meet your past selves?"
"I do not remember anything."
"Pity. It would be interesting to know who you've been."
"Is that really possible?"
"Judging by the changes to Severus' soul, yes Hermione."
"Wow. That would be so interesting."
"I'm sure. As well as quite strange."
"Now that you know I am fine and I do not remember anything, is there anything else you require, Sterling?"
"Yes, actually. I have a feeling we are coming to the opening of the close, I would like to ensure that the two of you have somewhere to go where you will be safe."
"I don't understand."
"Hermione, you have spent the better part of a year holed up in a spy's private house."
"But he's on our side."
"Severus, I know what you are supposed to do. You know what that will mean for her."
"What is he talking about?"
"Nothing."
"She doesn't know?"
"What do I not know?"
"Nothing."
"Consider telling her Severus."
Severus strode around the couch and grabbed Sterling's arm, pulling him into the kitchen. Severus locked the door and erected secrecy spells.
"Why? So she can hate me sooner?"
"Do you not think if she knew the circumstances, she would find it in herself to forgive you?"
"Any day now I am responsible for killing the light's most powerful wizard. There is no coming back from that. No one will believe there was ever anything good in me. Most do not already."
"But that witch out there is not just any person, Severus. She is your soulmate, and she loves you."
Severus made a noise in the back of his throat. "That is nonsense."
"Your soul is not the only one that has changed since I was last here."
"Any love she had ever formed for me, if she even has, will be gone when she knows what I am."
Sterling shook his head. "I wish I understood you better, Severus. Consider filling her in on what is happening. Regardless of how you feel about your circumstances, should either of you survive, I have set up a safe house for you. Please take this, it is the location of the safe house. Now, would you please guide me out?"
Grudgingly, Severus took the slip of parchment and guided Sterling from the kitchen straight to the front door, and when it closed he took a deep breath, preparing himself for the certain onslaught.
"What was that about?"
"Nothing."
"You can't keep answering me like that and expect me to accept it."
"You must."
"No, I refuse. I know you don't tell me everything, but to actively hide something from me like you just did? That crosses a line."
"It is too bad you feel that way, but you will find out when everyone else does."
"Damn it, Severus."
Severus did his best to avoid Hermione for the rest of the day, returning to Hogwarts first thing in the morning. Hermione was certain that he also did his best to avoid her for the entire week, only sending a letter through the floo Thursday evening to tell her Tonks and Lupin got married. Hermione celebrated by herself with some of Severus' scotch. He also sent her a letter Saturday morning to let her know that he would not be coming back for the weekend. Hermione kept herself busy by bottling the extra anti-venom potion and practicing her battle spells on a transfigured dummy. It wasn't enough to keep her mind from wandering and weaving, trying to figure out what Severus was so desperate to keep from her. It had to be something truly awful, considering his willingness - however hesitantly - to tell her about Merner and Dolohov.
Another week passed with no word from Severus, and Hermione started to worry. Had something happened and she had no way of knowing? Should she leave Spinner's End? What if she was missing the big battle? At the end of the week, she received another letter, detailing some of the events occurring at Hogwarts, but nothing about when he would come back. Frustrated, Hermione worked on her occlumency techniques, brewed a collection of potions she decided to keep on herself at all times, and finished reading the rest of the books they had bought in Falmouth. By the time Severus finally returned, Hermione was bored and irritable. And as soon as she saw Severus' face, both emotions disappeared.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine. Something big is going to be happening soon, Hermione."
"Will we be ready?"
Severus looked at her for a long moment. "As ready as we can be."
"What about… our prophecy?"
He looked away from her. "It has nothing to do with this. I doubt it will be fulfilled before the final battle."
"I see."
Neither of them ate, instead choosing to push food around on their plates until they could pretend they had tried to eat. Hermione explained what she had been working on and Severus suggested the next day they duel each other. Before the sun had fully set, they went their separate ways into their respective rooms.
In a rare turn of events, Severus was up before Hermione and when she made her way downstairs, the living room was set up for a duel. She didn't protest, or ask why they were doing this so early in the morning, even though she wished to do both. With a sigh, she pulled out her wand and went to stand opposite Severus. It reminded her of lifetimes ago when Severus had faced Lockheart. It was the first time she could ever remember seeing him without his teaching robes and she had been shocked by the sharp figure he cut in just the frock coat. It had been something unexpected that had carried with her until the events in the Whomping Willow, and then finally that fateful night of the Yule Ball. All these years, all these little moments, her life with the pull and without it, everything that had come to pass, living here with him for months and yet… Severus Snape could not find it in himself to love her.
Perhaps that thought was why her hexes stung a little more than usual and her curses packed a little more punch. She knew she was a coward. Any person who was really brave might profess their love, even if the person on the receiving end was someone like Severus. At least he would know, and that was more than could be said for plenty of people. Maybe he wouldn't hate the thought and if things went horribly for him at some point, he could think of the silly witch that loved him and it would bring him something positive. Maybe if he knew, it would take away some kind of fear or barrier, and he would realise he felt the same. But these were foolish thoughts. And so Hermione duelled and said nothing.
That's how the following several weeks passed. Severus would come home on Wednesdays and weekends and they would pretend to be normal until they couldn't bear it, and then they would duel until their magical cores were exhausted. Hermione knew something had changed when Severus came home on a Tuesday.
"It's happening?"
"Tomorrow."
"What is the plan?"
"I will take you back to Hogwarts so you can choose where to go from there."
"What about you?"
He didn't look at her and Hermione had a sinking feeling in her gut.
"I will have to play my part, one which does not suit you."
"Can't I decide that?"
"Not this time."
Hermione thought about protesting, but the way Severus was holding himself told her not to. Whatever was going to happen, he knew at least a piece of what was coming, and it was clearly something not good. No idea what to say or what to think, she did the only thing that made sense. Hermione shifted on the couch and slid towards Severus until her arm touched his own and she leaned her head against his shoulder. He let her, and they stayed that way for a long time.
…
Severus was fully occluded. Enclosed in the sweet control of his own mind where no stray thoughts lingered. If it weren't for sound and physical sensation, he barely would have noticed Hermione flooing into his private quarters after him. He recognized her desire to look around, to explore, and he stopped her with a firm hand on her shoulder. This wasn't the time to dive into the personal effects he kept at Hogwarts. He urged her onward into his office. Any minute now. He loosened one of the bricks in one of his many walls and truly looked at Hermione while he had the chance. She was terrified, staring up at him with wide eyes, a determined grip on her wand. Everything in him knew she should be far away from him, but everything in her was honed in on him. Severus took a breath.
"Will I see you? After the battle?"
"I think not."
"Oh."
"Hermione…" He didn't know why, but he wanted to say her name one more time, once more while she still had some affinity towards him. Before she hated him.
"Severus?"
"Do not get hit by another curse."
She huffed at him, a weak smile trying to form. "I promise."
"And do not get captured."
"Absolutely not."
Severus pulled a slip of parchment out of his pocket and turned it in his fingers a few times before offering it to Hermione. He had looked at the address Sterling gave him earlier that morning, memorized it. "If you need somewhere safe."
Hermione took the slip and tucked it on her person.
Severus turned his head, someone was in the classroom, making their way to the office.
"It is time."
She nodded her head once. And then out of nowhere, her hand was on his face, reminding him of the long ago echo of the Yule Ball, when she had reached for him then. She did it in the same way, her fingers trailing along his cheek before holding his face in her palm. Her hand was larger now, her fingers thinner, a small callus from using a quill. Warmth radiated from that small point of contact in a way that made him question if he had ever been warm at all.
"Severus! There's Death Eaters in Hogwarts! There's- what is going -"
Without looking away from her eyes, Severus raised his wand and stunned Filius. When his small body hit the floor, Hermione finally looked away.
"Why did you stun him?!"
"We need time. More specifically, I need time to do what I must. He will be safe here until the spell wears off. Do you have the kit you made?"
"Of course, and all the potions you suggested."
"Good. I hope you will not need them."
"As do I."
"I must go. Wait ten minutes before leaving and then you may do as -"
The door opened again.
"Sorry to disturb you professor, but have you heard, there's Death Eaters- Oh, hello Hermione."
"Hello Luna."
A deep breath and another stunner.
"That was just uncalled for, Severus."
"She will be safe. It is better than what is out there."
Severus aimed his wand at his private quarters, altering the wards. No one would know the difference, except perhaps Hermione, if she was as curious later as she was now. With a sharp turn, his wand was pointed at her chest.
"You will be safe too." A silent stunner.
Severus caught her as she fell, and carried her to his own chair, placing her there and taking one last look before he put that brick back in its place in his mind. Severus locked and warded the office door so that only those inside could leave, and then followed the shouts and whispers to where everything would change. If killing Merner and Dolohov hadn't broken his soul, this would. He had often wondered if Draco Malfoy was worth it. But that didn't matter, not when Severus himself was expendable.
The pebbles grated against Hermione's knees. Sweat beaded along her hairline. The grit of dirt and blood scratched her skin. There were too many bodies pressed in too closely. Sobs, howls, other noises of distress from various creatures. Hermione cried with them, silently, half her tears for the headmaster lying on the ground before them, half for Severus. Severus killed Dumbledore. It made sense and it didn't. All his hints, all his vague words, they had pointed to this moment. But the Severus Snape she knew couldn't do this, wouldn't. There was nothing as cold-blooded about this act as it seemed. But there was no one to voice her doubt to. Harry's anger had turned into defeatism. He did not have enough left in him to explain why the locket upset him so. Part of the many secrets he had kept from her in the few months she had been around.
People had been shocked to see her, but Luna refusing to leave her side seemed to ease doubts enough. She wondered how much longer she could go without someone questioning her. For now, no one had the time or the emotional capacity.
Hermione turned her head to glance towards the forest, the last place Severus had been seen going. Was he still there? Was he gone? Was he okay? A thousand questions tore through her, and just as much doubt about thousands of things, until she was split in two: the Hermione who mourned the loss of the headmaster surrounded by her peers, and the Hermione who yearned to find Severus and make sure he was safe. Somehow, these two versions of her would have to learn to coexist, even if it was in silence and in secret.
…
The questions still hadn't come. And while Mrs. Weasley welcomed her back to the Burrow with open arms, there was a lingering unease and suspicion. The twins treated Hermione with the same regard as before, and when Remus and Tonks came around, there was no difference. But Harry, Ron, and Ginny had become close knit in her time away from Hogwarts, and they seemed less willing to let her into the fold. Hermione did push or pry. She waited. Roaming the grounds of the Burrow and trying to help Molly Weasley around the house. Her wait only lasted a couple of days before they were invited back to Hogwarts for Dumbledore's funeral.
The Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione arrived together, but the former were quick to go their own directions, and Hermione found herself standing alone in the grass, taking in the scene. The chairs and the casket were a brilliant white, centaurs were appearing out of the forest, mermaids lingered on the edges of the lake, professors were making their way from the castle. Hermione turned her head towards the castle, half expecting a cloud of black to descend upon them all. But Severus wouldn't be there. Hermione found Remus and Tonks with ease, choosing to sit with them and other order members instead of trying to pretend like she fit in with her friends. Remus reached across the small space between their seats and put a hand on her knee.
"Albus told me where you were when you were missing. I realise this must be hard for you… for different reasons."
It was a low whisper, even Tonks didn't seem to notice him speaking. Hermione nodded once. She wasn't sure what Remus meant. If he was aware she mourned the Severus she knew or if he thought Severus had utterly traumatised her. So she didn't speak. Instead she took a long, deep breath and focused on the McGonagall, weaving through the crowd, spitting out directions, and dabbing at her eyes when she had a moment. What did she think of this? It was clear she felt betrayed by Severus, but how could even she be so blinded? Did no one else know there was a genuine human underneath the hardened exterior and black layers? Surely Severus Snape had let someone in at some point. She couldn't be the only one, even if he didn't have a choice when it came to her.
The service was beautiful. A worthy send off for a powerful wizard and well-loved headmaster. Remus kept his reassuring hand on her knee, and she was grateful, even if she wasn't sure what it meant. At the end, some people left, but most of the crowd lingered. Hermione was curious how far she could go before anyone noticed she was gone, and so she wandered. First to the base of the astronomy tower, where she looked up at the top so far above her that she couldn't quite make out the spot where Dumbledore's body must have fallen from. First checking that no one was looking for her, Hermione continued her journey, through the massive double doors and into the main hall. Empty like this, Hogwarts felt eerie. The spine-tingling creepiness of it stayed with her as she made the climb up the astronomy tower, pausing just one step below the top. Where had Severus stood when he cast the curse? Where had Harry watched from?
Hermione stood there a long time, pondering different scenarios, different imaginings, each one hurting more than the one that came before it. When she ran out of versions of the story, she turned and made her way back down the tower, down to the third floor. Hermione stood outside the defence classroom for a long time. This wasn't his space, not really. To her he always belonged among cauldrons and various coloured steam pillars. But this was where he last taught. With a gentle push, the door creaked open, revealing the empty classroom. She didn't linger here, instead moving quickly up the stairs to the office. This door was locked, nothing that couldn't be taken care of by an alohamora, but Hermione felt a wash of wards passed over her. The office was as she left it during the battle; the spindly chairs for students toppled over, Severus' equally uncomfortable chair pressed harshly against the wall behind it. Across from her was another door. A door that she had never really considered, not until she had appeared in this office from the other side of it. Curious, Hermione crossed the room and tested the knob.
The door seemed to swing open in welcome and Hermione felt Severus' magic pull her in and reassert its defences behind her. She knew, without really understanding why, that Severus had made sure that she could come in, even if no one else could. She turned on the lamps with a wave of her wand and shut the door behind her. So far, Severus' private quarters held no real surprise after living with him at Spinner's End. Books covered nearly every surface, a large bottle of scotch and several glasses sat atop a low cabinet. Where Spinner's End was oppressive and dark, this room was decorated more with soft greys, bold blacks, and a touch of Slytherin green. It wasn't exactly cheery, but it was far more welcoming than the house in Cokeworth. Hermione moved through the room, running her hand along the back of the couch, her fingers across the spines of books, a gossamer touch to the rim of the only glass facing upwards. The armchair by the fireplace was clearly loved here, well-worn in specific places while the couch looked practically new.
The dark abyss of the halfway beckoned her, and Hermione stepped into it without thought. A door immediately to her right was cracked open and she gave it a push. The door yawned open and inside a surprisingly gorgeous bathroom gleamed. The massive claw-foot tub boasted a whole corner to itself with a black shelf on the wall with various soaps. The shower curtain that was tucked out of the way was also a Slytherin green. The floor tiles were white with black grout and the sink was a marbled grey and white. It was far nicer than Hermione expected and had a distinctly used feeling that the bathroom at Spinner's End lacked. She left that room and opened the door nearest it on the other side of the hallway only to reveal a set of deeply descending stairs. Hermione had a feeling it led to a potions lab and closed the door with a knowing smile. There was only one more door and Hermione opened it, feeling incredibly invasive as Severus' bedroom was revealed to her. This was perhaps the most shocking room. While tidy, everything in it was welcoming, with the same general colour scheme as the rest of his quarters. Unlike the sterility of his room at Spinner's End, this room was obviously lived in, enjoyed, an actual part of the person named Severus Snape.
Suddenly, she couldn't stand it anymore, that ache in her chest. The man she loved would never love her, and she could live with that, but he had also killed Albus Dumbledore, because of that everyone she knew hated him, and he was gone, vanished into the dark of an awful night, not to be seen again. With a shuddering breath, trying to push down more tears, Hermione trudged forward and crawled onto the bed, collapsing into the pillows. The fabric smelled of him and she breathed the scent in deeply. After this, things had to change, she would have to adjust to her new reality with grace. She would accept her identity as the woman who loved Dumbledore's killer who also happened to be Harry Potter's friend, and she would not let the dichotomy pull her away from the present any more.
"You don't have to go, Severus, you are more than welcome to stay with us."
"And I thank you Narcissa, but this is the second place anyone would look for me and the Dark Lord was explicit in his instructions for me not to be found. Now that the old man's funeral is over, I must move on."
Severus was glad for the excuse to leave Malfoy Manor, three days there had him crawling out of his skin. The place held none of the class it used to and the people within it had changed uncomfortably. Nor did it help that Death Eaters frequented the place with little regard for the family who still lived in it. Severus needed space and he needed something to do other than to roam the manor's decaying grounds. He packed up the few articles of clothing that Narcissa had offered him of Lucius' (which he had rapidly transfigured into his usual dress) and left without saying anything else to Narcissa and without seeking out Draco. The boy whose soul he had saved without so much as a thank you. Not that he ever expected one.
Not exactly sure what his plan was or where he was going to hide out, Severus paused at the apparition point for a moment before deciding he needed to check on Spinner's End. It wasn't that he was concerned for the building - it could burn for all he cared - but there were things inside that mattered. And part of him hoped that perhaps Hermione had gone there, perhaps she was furious and wanted answers, or maybe she was willing to hear him out. But Severus tried not to think about it as he turned on the spot, disappearing from outside Malfoy's grounds and reappearing in a bush in Cokeworth. As Severus approached the house he could tell his wards hadn't been bothered so he entered with his typical level of caution. The house was how he left it. He walked room to room and found no disturbances. He had expected something, some tell-tale sign that Hermione had come around to find him or that the Order had tried to break down his door. But there was nothing. Severus placed undetectable extension charms on his pockets and filled them with the important things: his books, the rest of his clothes, the one-third of the anti-venom that he and Hermione had made, and an old broom just in case. When he was done, he left Spinner's End without a backwards glance. Now he just needed a place to hide out.
Suddenly, Severus remembered. Sterling had been prepared for this. Severus closed his eyes and thought of the address scrawled on the piece of parchment. With a huff of disdain, Severus mountain the broom and took off. He wasn't fool enough to try to apparate somewhere he had never been, and a portkey would be traceable. It was going to be a long night.
"It's not going to open, Remus."
The door rattled in it's frame and Hermione watched it warily, listening to the voices on the other side that were being magically projected into Severus' sitting room at Hogwarts.
"I had to try, Minerva. I thought the castle might…"
"Bypass his wards since they were your old quarters?"
Remus didn't answer.
"I'm sure there's nothing to find in there anyway."
"Perhaps not, but I just keep thinking we are missing the big picture."
"Well of course we are, Remus. Between Albus and Severus anyone would be lucky to have any idea what's going on."
"I think the thing that bothers me the most is Hermione's place in all this."
Hermione heard McGonagall's voice catch in her throat. Did she know?
"Wh-what could you possibly mean."
"Why would Albus entrust Hermione Granger's safety to Severus if he didn't completely trust the man?"
"I think Severus Snape is a riddle we will never solve Remus. Come along, we still haven't found Miss Granger. I can't believe Molly would just leave her-"
"What is it, Minerva?"
McGonagall's voice dropped to a whisper. "I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think your curiosity actually helped our search."
"You're not saying she's-"
"Quite."
There was a silence. And then someone knocked on the door.
"Miss Granger," McGonagall's voice quaked with exaggerated calm, "are you in there?"
Hermione considered never leaving. But she had made a promise to herself. So she stood, smoothed the front of her dress, and crossed the room to the door. She wrapped her fingers around the knob and glanced behind her. She would find out Severus Snape's truth. That was another promise. Taking a deep breath, Hermione opened the door. The wards seemed to wash over her, tentacles reaching outward to guide her into the office and ready to whip back anyone who stepped forward. Her eyes flicked over Remus and landed on McGonagall.
"What were you doing in there?"
"Trying to find out why."
The two women stared at each other, a steady battle of gazes. Eventually McGonagall turned her head towards Remus.
"You may catch up to everyone at the Burrow. I need to have a word with Miss Granger and then I will bring her with me."
Remus glanced between the two of them, then at the door to Severus' private quarters which had sealed itself again, before he nodded and left the room. McGonagall and Hermione waited in silence for a long time until the matriarch spoke.
"I am aware of… the bond between you and Severus. We all need answers Miss Granger, but I am not sure you should go searching for them."
"Even if he wanted me to? We both know he modified his wards so that I was the only one who could go in there."
McGonagall glanced at the door behind her. "And what did you find?"
Hermione shrugged. "Nothing that tells me that Severus is anyone but who I know him to be."
McGonagall took a deep breath. For a moment, Hermione thought she might say something, another warning. Instead, she guided Hermione out of the office, through the grounds to the apparition point. Together they went to the Burrow, where Molly Weasley was hosting tea. It was a quiet space to mourn, and Hermione joined them, hiding the other part of her deep in her mind. She suddenly understood why Severus was so good at occlumency. One had to be when their true self wasn't the right self.