AN: So you guys were interested in a couple of POV chapters. I assure you there is a Mila POV coming up soon, and a Britt one also, but for now enjoy a Santana POV. As always, your comments and thoughts are always welcomed and appreciated.
Thanks so much for reading. This fic has given me something to focus on after Naya's tragic passing, and reading how much you love it brings me a lot of light.
Miss you Naya X
Santana's POV
I was falling. I had already fallen, years ago, but I was somehow falling even harder. But the more in love I fell with her, the harder our long-distance relationship became. I was so secure in us, in our future, and you might think that would make the distance a little easier. I knew the strength of Brittany's love for me, so I didn't need to worry about her cheating on me or anything like that, or panic that I wasn't going to see her for a long time, because I knew that we'd always find a way. But despite all that, with each goodbye, it got harder. Fall hard, love hard, feel hard.
It was the little things. The fact I had to imagine her arms wrapped around me on her night telling me she loved me before we closed our eyes, her lips lightly brushing against my forehead in the middle of the night when we were both half asleep, the way she would tell me that a text I'd sent her made me smile, but I wouldn't get to see that smile.
All I wanted was the bare minimum. Instead, we had to live half our lives through a phone, iPad, or a computer screen. We couldn't live each day with each other, we could just hear about them instead, and whenever she would tell me about her day, I'd ask her to tell me as much detail as possible. Because when she told me something minimal like the fact she had tomato soup for lunch from a small café near the theatre, I wanted to visualise her sitting in that café.
"Tell me what the café looked like inside Brit?" I'd ask her, and she'd willingly explain, because she'd caught on by now as to why I did this.
She had her own ways of coping too.
"Just look at the gaps between your fingers, San. Remember that in those spaces, my fingers are locked there forever" she told me one night, and that's exactly what I'd do.
It was our new version of staring at the stars, something we'd always done during our years of long-distance, when Brittany had first moved to New York. Now that we were together, the stars just didn't cut it anymore, so instead I'd stare at my own hand and try my best to imagine the feeling of her warm hand locked in mine. Life was better than it had ever been, knowing she was mine, but it felt like I was living a double life. Half my heart was here, the other half was there, but I would have suffered it all just to be with her. I knew we'd make it through.
The feeling I got from our last goodbye after our weekend in New York was the worst one so far. I tried so hard for all our sakes to keep my emotions in check, but it was no use. I'd been quiet all morning, and the minute we got in the car for Brit to drive us to the airport the floodgates opened. I did exactly what I had intended not to do and upset Mila in the process.
"Mama, can't we just stay here with Aunty Brit? We don't even want to go back!" she wailed, letting out tears of her own.
I could barely answer her because I was in a flurry of my own emotions, and poor Brit just kept one hand on my knee reassuringly as she used the other to drive, while checking on Mila in the rear-view mirror. She did her best to calm us both, but I could tell she was getting upset too, as much as she was trying to hold it in.
When we pulled up at the airport Brittany simply cupped my cheek for a couple of seconds, her eyes sad as I tried to compose myself. She gained composure before I did and went into autopilot, giving me a much needed few extra minutes to collect myself.
"Come on then Moo, shall we make a start on getting the bags out?" she said, as Mila nodded tearfully.
By the time I had taken a few deep breaths and wiped my own tears and gotten out the car, Quinn and Finn were approaching us. They were catching the same flight back, so we'd agreed to meet at the airport. Britt couldn't come inside because she had only parked in the drop-off area, but we decided it was probably easier this way anyway. There was no point prolonging the inevitable.
My heartstrings tugged as I watched Brittany pick Mila up. My daughter clung so tightly to her and closed her eyes as she embraced her. She really did love Brittany more than anything, and I knew this was as hard for her as it was for me. I busied myself checking we'd unloaded everything from the car as I let them have their moment.
"I'll FaceTime every day, okay?" I heard Brittany say to her.
"You promise?"
"Promise" Brittany replied, squeezing Mila even tighter, her voice cracking slightly.
I took this as my moment to join them and Brittany must have sensed me coming because she stretched her arm out as soon as I started walking towards them, even though she wasn't facing in my direction. I tucked Mila's hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek before gratefully stepping into their embrace, as the three of us just had a moment.
"I had the best time with my little family" Brittany admitted.
"Yeah...me too" I swallowed. It was just about all I could muster up.
As we continued our family hug, I noticed Quinn and Finn standing a few paces away, giving us the space we needed. Quinn flashed me a sympathetic smile, and I gave her a sad one in return. Pulling out from that hug was hard, but I knew we needed to eventually, and as we did so Brit placed Mila back down on the floor and ruffled her hair affectionately.
Quinn and Finn took this as their moment to properly approach and said their albeit less emotional goodbyes to Brit, while I took my emotional 11-year-old into another hug.
"Hey Meels, shall you and I go to the bathroom and clean your face a little?" Quinn asked gently, and I smiled appreciatively of her instinctively knowing that Brit and I needed a moment alone to say goodbye to each other.
Mila looked up at Brittany before nodding hesitantly.
"Go easy on that ankle won't you?" Brit said, taking Mila's face into both her hands as my daughter nodded earnestly.
"I'll see you really soon, angel" she said, bending down to place a last kiss on her forehead.
"I'll see you really soon too, Aunty Brit" Mila sniffed, before looking over at Quinn who held her hand out with an encouraging smile.
I watched as my daughter hesitantly walked over to her other blonde aunty, Finn grabbing their bags and following behind them as they walked into the terminal.
"I love you Mila Moo" Brittany called after her.
"I love you too, Aunty Brit".
And then it was just the two of us.
Brittany turned to me and grabbed the edges of my light jacket, pulling it tighter around me, blue eyes watering with unshed tears.
"This is awful" she swallowed.
"I know" I agreed, my own voice full of emotion as I leaned into kiss her gently, before pulling her into a tight hug. More tears fell as I held her, between the both of us, until it got too much, and I needed to pull back and wipe my face.
"God, I don't know why it feels even harder this time. Something about this trip just felt so different. Our first time in New York as a real family, and now we have to leave already".
"I know baby" Brittany soothed, running her hands up and down my arms.
"I think it's the fact that I don't know when I'm going to see you again this time. I know I'll see you, but it's the not knowing when. I hate when I've got nothing to count down to" I sighed.
It was my 30th birthday coming up at the end of the month, but for the first time ever, Brit wasn't even sure she was going to be able to make it back, and there was no way I could afford a trip to New York again anytime soon.
"Well," Brittany said, releasing me from her grip to delve into her purse "that's why I got you this".
I eyed her suspiciously as I opened the envelope, and maybe I shouldn't have been surprised to find a plane ticket inside, but I was.
"For the 24th" Brittany explained "I figured if I can't be in Lima to celebrate your actual birthday, then I'd have to bring you to me instead, the weekend before. I know that's one of Puck's weekends to have Mila, and you find the distance even harder when she's not around, plus I managed to get work off, so it all fits perfect. Just me and you baby. And it's not even so far away".
"Brittany..." I said appreciatively as I grabbed her hands and squeezed them tightly, feeling as overwhelmed as ever by my girlfriend's gestures and surprises. She was right, it wasn't so far away. Today was Sunday 5th, so I only had 19 days to go until I was back with her again. I could do this.
"I hate not having anything to count down to either" Brittany shrugged "but I hope this makes things a little easier for us".
"It does" I nodded firmly "19 days Brit. That's all it is".
"19 days" she repeated.
The emotions began to overtake us once more, and she leaned into kiss me. This time it was a little more passionate, but I couldn't care less about any passers-by. I grasped desperately at her, and she used her height as an advantage to pick me up. As I deepened the kiss and wrapped my legs around her, I was well aware we were causing a scene, but still, I didn't care.
When she eventually put me down, I breathlessly leaned my forehead against hers.
"I love you so much, San" she whispered.
"I love you too Brit. So, so much".
"It won't be like this forever".
"I know baby" I agreed "we'll find a way".
Brittany glanced at the clock and chewed her lip.
"You'd better go honey. I don't want you to miss your flight".
"I wouldn't mind if I did" I half joked, but we both knew that wasn't a possibility. I had work, and Mila had to get back to school, after being off most of last week with her ankle. I knew in the morning she'd be playing on it and saying it was hurting her, especially because she'd be upset about leaving Brittany, but I knew I couldn't keep her off school again when she'd been fit enough to travel out of state this weekend.
"Call me as soon as you land safely?"
"Of course, I will babe, and that goes for you too. Let me know when you're back home".
"I will, San" Brittany promised, taking my hands to place against her own heart "19 days".
"Yep. 19 days" I agreed, losing track of the amount of times we'd affirmed this by now.
I gave her one last kiss goodbye, before tearfully heading off into the terminal to find my daughter, Quinn, and Finn. It felt so much better knowing I could countdown to seeing her again, but nothing lessened the pain of pulling myself away from her, when my body felt like a magnet drawing me back. Walking into that terminal felt like I was going against gravity, but we'd get there. I knew we would.
Brittany was right when she said I found the distance even harder on the weekends Mila was at Puck's. I never didn't miss my girlfriend, but at least when I was with Mila, I could put all my love into her. She'd make me smile and laugh, and I loved being her Mama, and I wasn't co-dependant on Brit enough to completely despise life without her. But when the other person I loved most in this world was gone too, that's when I really felt lost. Life didn't have the same excitement when I couldn't share it with either of them. That's why on the weekend following our return from New York, I decided to call the shots for once and tell Puck that Mila was staying with me this weekend, he could swap and have her next weekend instead. It would mean him having her two weekends in a row, and I was usually pretty regimented with sticking to his set weekends so not to tamper with our custody arrangement, but for all the times he'd called up and swapped weekends around I felt I deserved to do it just this once. Not only would I feel better having her at home with me this weekend, I knew Mila (who's mood had been expectedly down this week since our return from New York and going back to school) would appreciate it too. Besides, she was still recovering from her sprained ankle, and I didn't trust Puck to watch her enough to make sure she was resting it. Puck whined when I called him with the change of plan, but he also knew there was nothing he could do about it, so he reluctantly agreed to pick our daughter up next weekend instead. Mila and I spent the weekend doing what we loved best, cuddled up watching movies, and where possible we'd have Brittany on FaceTime so she could watch with us too.
By the time the next weekend rolled around, Mila seemed to be feeling brighter, as she had adjusted back into a routine, and she went off to Puck's without a hitch. I was feeling more positive too, as I was only a week away from seeing Brit again now, and we were on single figures in our countdown. I took Mila for a check up on her ankle the following Tuesday, hopeful that it would be fully healed, and she could stop using the boot. The doctor had initially said she only needed two weeks before her follow up appointment, but I had deliberately waited three because I didn't want to risk them telling her to stop using the boot too early. I knew they were the experts, and to trust them, but I also knew from my dad that doctors were overworked and overstretched. One lapse in judgement could cause my daughter to have to give up her passion for dancing, and there was no way in hell I was seeing that happen. I was confident that since it had been 21 days of her using the boot, crutches where I could persuade her to, and lots of icing and elevation from my neurotic self even though Brittany had assured me that I didn't need to do that now that the swelling had gone down, that she'd been given the all clear at her appointment.
To mine and Mila's delight, I was right. Her ankle was healing nicely, and the doctor said she could begin a phased return to dance. Nothing too strenuous, just light exercise to begin with, as her ankle continued to heal. He also gave us a list of exercises for Moo to do at home which would help strengthen the muscles and stretch her joints. I made sure to write everything down, making a mental note to go over everything with Brit later.
"Thank you so much Doctor!" I grinned enthusiastically as I shook his hand.
Mila clearly shared my enthusiasm, because the minute we were out the Doctor's office, she started running down the hallway and putting her newfound freedom to good use with the boot out the way.
"Mila Grace Lopez!" I yelled after her "Are you out of your mind!? You've just healed from an ankle injury and you're really going to start running down the hallway? Walk please".
She rolled her eyes at my stern tone but did as she was asked. I had a little primidone on my hands.
An hour later, Mila was sweetness and light again, as I'd taken her out for dinner to celebrate. As she made her way through her ice cream sundae, she looked up at me excitedly, and I stifled a laugh at her ice cream covered cheeks.
"So does this mean I get to go back to dance on Saturday?" she asked.
I shook my head, feeling bad for disheartening her.
"Not this week baby, you're with your dad this weekend, and I'd like to be there for your first class back. I want to speak to your teacher and make sure everything goes okay".
"WHAT!? But I spent last weekend with dad!"
"I know, but only because I swapped the weekends around after New York, remember? You were always meant to be with him this weekend".
Mila sighed heavily.
"But can't I just skip the weekend since I went last week?"
"I'm sorry Moo, in other circumstances you could but...I'm going to New York to see Aunty Brit this weekend"
"Oh yeah...I remember now" Mila pouted "but why can't I come to see Aunty Brit with you? I miss her".
"Well...because sometimes adults need adult time" I explained, only for her to raise her eyebrows at me in return. I hoped she wasn't catching on to what adult time actually was. It felt like she was growing up overnight.
"You'll see her soon, okay?" I added, playfully dabbing some ice cream on her nose, and getting a slight smile out of her before she chewed her lip pensively again. I knew she was building up to ask something, so I waited patiently.
"But...can't someone else look after me if I have to stay at home?"
I felt a pang of guilt when she said that, at the thought of me leaving her behind and her thinking she was being passed from pillar to post, but the rational side of me knew there was nothing wrong with me having a weekend away with my girlfriend for my birthday. It's not like I ever left Mila with strangers. She only ever stayed with her dad, my mom, or Quinn.
"What is it Meels, don't you like staying with your dad anymore?" I asked gently.
I watched as she chewed her lip once more, before answering.
"It's not that" she sighed "it's just...boring"
I let out a slight smile. I saw so much of myself in her. When I was her age, I had always hated the monthly sleepovers at my Tia's house. Turns out my parents wanted adult time too, and at the time the very idea made me raise my eyebrows too, but now I understood it. I got so bored that sometimes the only thing "fun" I could find to do was hang my cousin Antonio upside down from his bunk bed and make him beg for mercy. That is until my Tia found out what I was doing and forced me to sit on a chair all night and watch her bake the "perfect" empandillos. I was bored out of my brain, but at least I learned how to bake empandillos. They were still a speciality of mine to this day.
"Sometimes we all have to do things we don't like mija, that's part of growing up"
"But why can't I stay with Aunty Quinn instead? Or Abuela? That will be much more fun".
As glad as I was that Mila had more fun at her aunties house than I had with mine, I knew Quinn was stuck in her love bubble with Finn, and even though she'd be more than willing to look after Mila, I didn't want to pass my child onto her and ruin her plans with her lover, in favour of me having a childfree weekend with my lover. That wasn't fair.
"Because Aunty Quinn is busy doing her own thing this weekend, and Abuela is in Cincinnati"
"She's always in Cincinnati now" Mila complained, rolling her eyes.
I had to agree with her on that one. My mom was spending a lot of time there, but I knew she was just scoping the area for her move. As much as I didn't want her to leave Lima, she'd spent the past 11-year supporting Mila and I, and dropping everything to look after her when I needed her to. I had to let her live her own life now. I was broken from my thoughts by Mila speaking again.
"I could always stay with Dani..." she suggested, her eyes darting around nervously, as if she feared even mentioning her name.
Again, I felt guilty.
"Mila" I sighed "you know it's not that simple, baby. Dani and I aren't really on the best of terms anymore. I can't just call her up and ask her to look after you".
"Why not!?" Mila raised her voice "just because you broke up and don't want to be her friend anymore, doesn't mean that I can't be".
"Mila, it's..."
"No!" she cut me off "It's not fair! I miss Dani, and I know she misses me too. I want to still see her!"
Her outburst had taken me by surprise, but also made me feel insanely guilty too.
"Mila, that's enough" I warned "now eat your dinner, before it gets cold"
"It's ice cream, it already is cold" she challenged.
"Well before it gets warm then!" I threw my hands up, exasperated "and stop with that attitude as well".
Mila scowled further and aggressively dug her spoon into her ice cream.
Yes. She was definitely my child.
I went home that night with a moody and stubborn 11-year-old and a guilty conscience. What Mila said really hit home. She was right. Just because Dani and I weren't together anymore and things were a bit frosty, didn't mean Mila had to suffer. Brit had told me this before, and I had been too stubborn to listen, but hearing it from my daughter tonight had made me think over it again. I called Brit and told her everything, and she once again affirmed that she thought I should let them see each other, without doing the whole "I told you so" act.
"Jeez you should have seen her attitude tonight though Brit. It's like she just turned 13, not 11!"
"Well with your genetics, I can't say I'm too surprised" Brittany giggled.
"I know, that's what I thought too! So, I'm dreading it even more so. If she's like this now, God help us when she's a teenager!"
"It's all part of her growing up San, we'll get through it" Brit assured me, and my heart fluttered at her mention of we "I know she's only 11, but her hormones could totally be kicking in at that age. She could be about to get her period, who knows?"
My eyes bulged open at the thought.
"What!? No, there's no way. She's still in Elementary School. She can't have her period yet. She's too young".
"Well...I started at 10 didn't I? Everyone's different. I'm not saying she's going to San, but I'm saying she could at any time now. And you need to be okay with that so she can feel comfortable talking to you when the time does come".
I said nothing. My brain was suddenly a flurry of periods and boys and teen pregnancy and all the budding joys of adolescence I'd been avoiding. I wanted to keep my baby a baby forever.
"You have talked to her about periods, haven't you?"
Again, I said nothing, and my silence must have spoken volumes.
"Oh honey" Brittany sighed knowingly "I know she's your baby and you want to wrap her up in cotton wool forever, but reality is that she is getting older. These next few years are going to be crucial, and she needs you to be able to guide her through and know that she can talk to you about everything. You can't just bury your head in the sand and avoid it because like it or not, it's happening. Our girl is growing up".
Brittany's intuitive ability to know my own thoughts inside out never failed to amaze me.
"I know" I agreed "I will talk to her about it. It's just so weird, you know. One minute I'm rocking her to sleep, the next..."
I mused for a second, Brittany once again intuitively staying silent as I processed my thoughts. Then suddenly I was taken over by a wave of rage.
"But if anyone even dares to get her pregnant at the age of 18, I swear to God, I will..."
"Okay, okay" Brittany laughed, cutting me off from any further irrational ranting"I don't think we need to be worrying about that just yet".
The next day I found myself toying with my phone in my hands. I had been thinking about the Dani situation all night, and I knew it was the right thing to do to include her in Mila's life every so often. I knew it would mean the world to Mila if she could go spend this weekend with Dani, and I knew Dani would take great care of her.
I didn't trust many people with my daughter, but despite my bitterness towards Dani of late since I heard about the lengths she went to in keeping me and Brit apart, she was one of them. I mean, she had lived with Mila for a few years and so had looked after her many times. Even when Dani was at the lowest of the lows and was doing all her partying, I knew she never got like that around Mila. She would never do anything to put her in danger. It made me feel even more reassured to learn from Quinn that Dani was doing really well at giving up her drinking altogether. She was in a good place, she had a new apartment and she'd even bought herself a little dog for company, which I knew Mila would go crazy for if given the chance to stay with her. Of course, that was what I needed to find out. I had no idea what Dani's plans were, or if she would even want to speak to me after the way I treated her the last time I saw her. But for Mila's sake, I pushed past any lingering doubts and nervousness, and pushed the call button to find out.
"Santana?" a familiar yet confused voice sounded, after just three rings.
I suppose she had every right to be confused. I cleared my throat and cut to the chase.
"Hey, yeah...it's me" I confirmed "Look, just say no if you're busy or if you just don't feel up to it, and by no means feel obliged to, but Mila would really like to see you again and spend some time with you. I'm going to New York this weekend to see Brittany, and I was just wondering if you wanted to have her for the weekend?"
There was an awkward silence between us, and I was ready for Dani to say no or to give me a piece of her mind.
"Are you serious?" she said.
I was just about to respond when she cut in again.
"Santana I would love to! You don't understand how much this means, honestly. I've missed her so much, and it would mean so much to me to spend some time with her. I'll make sure she has the best weekend together; you can totally count on me..."
As I listened to Dani's enthusiastic rambling, I felt guilty. I shouldn't have ever stopped them seeing each other and let my own personal gripes get in the way of my relationship. Maybe Dani still could be an important part of my daughter's life, and this would be a great trial run.
So, it was settled, Mila would be staying with Dani for the weekend. Puck would probably whine about it, but fuck it, I'd deal with him later.
Brit had gone all out on a flexi ticket because she wasn't sure if I could book the day off work to extend our time together. I had scalded her at the time for spending more money than she needed to, but now I was glad of it, because by the time Friday had rolled around, I was itching to get to her. My work had allowed me to use one of the few days I had left of my paid holiday entitlement, which meant I had plenty of time to get to Cleveland and arrive in New York by afternoon time. I dropped Mila off with Dani before school, and Dani once again assured me that Mila was in safe hands and that she was so grateful I had let her do this. Mila was happy as anything, and I knew I'd made the right choice.
After I said my goodbyes to my daughter, and thanked Dani again for looking after her, I made the drive to Cleveland for my 1:45pm flight. I was so glad I didn't have a day's work to do before my flight because I knew the day would have dragged like hell. It was already dragging like hell, even though I was just a few short hours away from being back with my girlfriend.
Those few "short" hours finally passed by, and I finally landed in JFK after what felt like the longest 19 days of my life. I had only packed a carry-on, so I didn't have to lose more precious time with Brittany waiting for the hold luggage to be released off the plane. If I ran out of clothes, I'd just wear Brit's, I figured. Hers were always much comfier anyway, and they smelt insane. Aka, they smelt like her.
As I rushed into the arrivals hall and glanced around excitedly, I heard her call my name.
"San! Over here!" she beamed, and I darted towards her.
Our reunion was as dramatic as our previous goodbye, and I practically jumped into her arms as she squeezed me and placed a trail of kisses against my head. When I pulled away to look at her, I drank in the sight of her and smiled. Her pale blue cat eyes, her soft complexion which was littered with the faintest of freckles across her cheeks, the nose that I loved so much. I couldn't help but move forward and place a kiss on her nose, before moving to her lips and placing several there instead.
It was good to be "home".
I hadn't eaten since this morning, so we stopped for some food in Brooklyn on the way back from the airport. I'd had my hand casually resting on Brittany's thigh the whole way back, and my fingers danced teasingly on her thigh as we approached Manhattan and got closer to her apartment block.
But then Brittany didn't turn in where she was supposed to and I frowned in confusion, and I could have sworn I saw a smirk on her face.
"Where are we going?"
"Did you really think we were going to spend your birthday weekend in my apartment?" she raised her eyebrows at me.
Suddenly my stomach was filled with butterflies at the prospect of the night ahead.
We arrived Downtown and Brittany parked up, taking my hand, and leading us towards the hotel that she had booked for us and of course fully paid for. When we got to the room she handed me the key card.
"Care to do the honours, Miss Lopez?"
I looked at her with a soft smile and took the key, and when I walked in it had all been decorated. Rose petals adorned the floor and cut off down two different avenues. One path led towards the large hot tub in the bathroom, the other towards the king-size bed. For a second my heart flipped, and I thought that maybe she was going to propose to me, until I caught sight of the large red and gold "30" balloon in the corner. It was typical Brittany to go all out just for my birthday, and besides, she was still married. Surely, she wouldn't propose yet. But it wasn't like the thought filled me with dread, quite the opposite.
"Baby, this is amazing" I sighed happily.
"You like it, huh?" Brittany said playfully, scrunching her nose up adorably.
I was about to ruin the decorations on the bed and show her just how much I liked it when she spoke again.
"Notice anything about this place?"
I glanced around, trying to spot what was probably another Brittany surprise, but shook my head as I saw nothing I hadn't already seen.
"Come on!" Brittany grinned, taking my hand, and leading me back out the room again.
We ran down the corridor hand in hand, giggling like a couple of mischievous teenagers. You wouldn't think we were both almost 30. Something about being with Brit really made me feel fearless. Like everything was an adventure. Whenever she put her hand in mine and led me somewhere, I always trusted her, even though I rarely ever knew what to expect.
She led us up a flight of stairs before we reached our destination. It didn't take a genius to work out we were at some sort of rooftop pool, and even though the sign said the pool area was now closed, Brittany didn't let that get in her way as she hopped over the rope and pulled me with her.
The view was beautiful I had to admit, since we were right in the middle of a concrete jungle, and there was something oddly calming about the quietness of the pool. All the sun loungers were rarely untouched and empty, and the only light up there was the dim light of the pool lights and the lights from the surrounding buildings.
"Now do you recognise it?" Brittany asked.
I glanced around looking for a clue, then it hit me.
"Oh! Is this the same place you brought me for that pool party? Wasn't it my 25th birthday?"
"Your 24th" Brittany corrected "But yep, this is it. Looks a little different without all the people here and the loud music, but I loved that night, so I wanted to recreate a memory".
"You're so cute Brit"
"Come on, let's sit." She replied, pulling off her shoes to dangle her feet in the water, and as always, I obediently followed suit.
We sat together and looked up at the stars, just enjoying the moment. Brit wrapped her arm around me, and I leaned into her with a smile.
"I remember that night so vividly" Brittany sighed "You had just come out to me, and it left me with all these feelings, but you had also just started seeing Dani and I didn't quite know how to take that".
I chewed my lip feeling guilty.
"Brit I..."
"No, it's okay San. You weren't to know. I'm not bringing it up to dwell on it or anything like that. It's just that the last time we were here I remember feeling such an insane chemistry between us, but I couldn't do anything about it. But now we're here together, and at last you're mine".
Overcome by emotion, all I could do was turn to her and press a long kiss against her temple.
At last, I was hers, and she was mine.
We'd been out on the pool deck for a couple of hours by now, just the two of us, no interruptions. It was a wonder if they had any CCTV in this joint. Dangling our legs in the pool had become too cold eventually, so we'd settled for lying on one of the sun loungers, cuddled up together. There was a chill in the air, but Brit shielded me with her body and kept me warm. We talked about anything and everything when we weren't just lying in the most comfortable of silences, dropping soft kisses on various body parts, and enjoying just being.
Soon those kisses became more fervent, and I could feel myself getting riled up. As she tugged on my lip from her position above me, carefully balancing both of our weight on the lounger, I whispered into her mouth.
"Let's go to our room"
"Too far" Brittany groaned.
At first, I was disappointed that Brittany was probably going to stop and return to our cuddling until she could be bothered to move back to our room, but she showed no signs of slowing down.
"Brit come on" I tapped her ass lightly with my fingertips, aware that she was driving me crazy and that I needed her in our bed stat before I lost all composure in a public place.
"Let's just...be in the moment" Brittany nudged me suggestively, before moving her lips down on to my neck.
I reluctantly moved out of her reach.
"What!? We can't do that here!?"
"Why not?" Brittany shrugged "No one is going to come up here. We've been here for hours, and no one's even noticed".
She began to kiss my neck again and move her hands under my shirt, and I could feel my resolve fading slightly, but I was still cautious.
"We have a perfectly good bed we can use downstairs, in private, in our room"
"Yeah...and we have a perfectly good sun lounger here" Brittany grinned mischievously.
Fuck! I was losing it.
"But what if..."
I was cut off by my girlfriend kissing me so deeply, the only sound I could muster out was a moan.
"No one is going to catch us San" Brittany assured me, before wiggling her eyebrows. "Come on old lady, let's tick some things off that bucket list before you reach the big 3 0".
I took one look at her messy hair, and the way she bit her lip playfully, and that was it.
"Fuck it!"
Sex on a sun lounger on a New York rooftop, check that one off the bucket list.
The next day, we really did make full use of the hotel room, because we didn't leave it all day. The only movement we made was to walk from the bed to the hot tub, where of course we did more than just bathe. I wouldn't have had it any other way, and I could have stayed there all night, but Brittany had other ideas and was forcing us to go for dinner.
As always, she refused to tell me where we were eating, but as we stepped into the small Italian restaurant, this time I recognised it straight away.
"This is where you took me last time" I observed with a smile, remembering that Brittany had taken me here on that same birthday trip that she'd taken me to the rooftop pool party.
She nodded in return.
"Are you getting it now? We're recreating moments where we wanted to be together but couldn't be and having our second chance at them".
My heart fluttered at the thought. The last time we were here I was unaware of my feelings for Brittany, and I'd decided to make things official with Dani after discussing with Brittany. Now I was here dating Brittany, and it felt very much like a full circle moment.
When the server came to take our drinks order, Brittany said we were ready to order food as well, even though I hadn't so much as looked at the menu. But as always, I trusted her.
"I'll have the Ragu Bolognese" she told the server "And she'll have the Seafood Linguine?" she checked, directing the question to me.
I nodded and smiled. Now I remembered. She had chosen the exact same meals that we had ordered last time.
After dinner I was more than ready to get back to our room and continue our earlier antics, but again, Brittany had other ideas. When we arrived outside the Empire State Building, I frowned in confusion. We had been up there on more than one occasion, but definitely not on that birthday trip, so I didn't know what she was recreating here.
"Babe, I love your enthusiasm and ideas, but we've been up here dozens of times, and these tickets are expensive".
I always worried that she was spending far too much on me, and that would never change.
"But we've never been up here just the two of us" she replied "Besides, I wanted us to do something touristy on our last night in New York".
I scrunched my face in confusion slightly at her comment, but figured she just meant our last night of this particular trip. So I followed her lead, and let her take an abundance of photographs of us when we got up there, which I must admit were highly adorable.
When the next morning rolled around, I didn't feel like I had been asleep for very long at all, and when I opened one eye to see it wasn't even 6AM yet, I realised that was because I actually hadn't been asleep for very long. (Because sleeping when you were in a bed with your hot girlfriend wasn't really an option, especially on your last night together).
As I felt a sharp prod in my side, I realised that I hadn't woken up naturally after all, it was Brittany who had woke me up.
"Brit what? I'm trying to sleep!" I groaned, squeezing my eyes tight shut.
"It's time to get up baby" Brittany said sweetly.
"No, it is not time to get up! I only just got to sleep because of you!" I threw the sheets over my head, and she chuckled.
"Come on, it's your last morning here, and I want to show you something".
"Exactly, it's my last morning here and I'd rather spend it curled up in bed with you".
"But if you're sleeping, we're wasting time together..." she tried, but it didn't work. I was too tired, and too moody.
"Okay fine, then I guess I'll have to go without you" she teased.
I felt her get out of the bed and I let out another groan. She knew exactly what she was doing. No way was I going to stay in bed without her. I got up and shot her a look as if to say, "happy now!?".
From the way she smiled knowingly, thrilled that her plan had worked, she was happy.
"Don't worry, there will be coffee!" she winked, but I could only scowl in return. I didn't do happy at this time of morning.
I wasn't sure if it was the Large Hazelnut Latte that Brit had bought me (I usually went all black but even I could admit I needed sugar to get me through if I was up at this hour) or the fact my girlfriend made me too damn happy to not smile around, but by the time we arrived at our destination I was feeling much less moody and more alert.
The destination was Central Park, and I realised that Brittany had bought us here for the sunrise, to recreate yet another memory from my 24th birthday trip. Last time we had stumbled here drunk from that pool party rather than us having to get up at the crack of dawn to see it, but of course this time around was 1000x better.
Something had almost made me kiss Brittany on that day back in 2014, but I had put it down to alcohol and stopped myself. Now I knew different, and I couldn't help but inch towards Brittany again and kiss her today, relishing in the fact I was allowed to now.
As Brit lay down and I lay on top and rested on her stomach, the way we did some years ago platonically, we admired the sunrise together. This was perfect, and even the lingering thought of me having to return home today couldn't ruin that.
Of course, this all changed a few hours later when we were on our way to the airport. I had thought our last goodbye was extremely hard, but this was even worse, and the tears had already begun. I couldn't speak much or even look at Brit, I just stared out the window with her hand in mine whenever she didn't need it to drive.
"I'm going to park in the long-term parking lot, so I can get the shuttle with you and take you into the airport" she said sympathetically.
She was holding her emotions in so well this time, I had to give her that.
Usually, I would disagree and tell her to just drop me off rather than prolonging the inevitable and having her spend more on parking, but this time I felt like I really needed her. I wasn't used to doing this goodbye alone, usually I at least had Mila to focus on.
When we parked up, Brit kissed my hand.
"You stay here for a second and wipe your face, and I'll get the bags out".
I nodded and reluctantly let go of her hand, before pulling down the mirror. I was a mess; my face was red and blotchy, and my mascara was everywhere. I don't know why I even decided to wear it, and I didn't know why I was bothering to wipe my face when I'd only end up crying again and probably would for the whole journey home.
Looking as presentable as I could muster up, I pulled myself together and exited the car. When I got out Brittany was standing with my suitcase, but not just my suitcase, hers was there too. I looked at her in confusion.
"Wait you're...are you coming with me?"
My heart skipped a beat at the thought of Brittany surprising me all along with the fact she was coming to my birthday all along. She never missed a birthday, and this would be the most her thing to do.
"Did you really think I was going to miss your 30th birthday?"
I squealed in delight and ran towards her and squeezed her so tightly, I got scared she couldn't breathe.
"How long for!?" I asked as I pulled back to look at her, all traces of sadness now replaced with dizzying excitement.
"Forever..." Brittany chewed her lip.
It took me a moment to process, then I played what she had just said in my mind again and swallowed. My heart started to race.
"What...?"
"I'm moving back to Lima, San" she said softly, taking my hands "I can't do this long-distance anymore. I'm not at my happiest unless I'm with you and Moo, and I know you feel the same so...this is it. A new start for us".
My head was spinning. She was coming back to Lima with me? Right now? The long-distance was over forever?
"Surprise" Brittany giggled nervously.
I realised I was feeling too overwhelmed to speak, after I opened my mouth a couple of times and no sound came out. Brittany was great at surprises, but this was some surprise that I had really not seen coming. My emotions had done a complete 360 in the last 5 minutes.
In true Santana style, the first words to spill out were my insecurities and doubts, because this all felt too good to be true.
"But...what about your job?"
"I've left. My last day was on Thursday. I handed my notice in the day I got back to New York after you and Mila got sick. I decided I couldn't just live a double life anymore. I want to be here for all those moments, good and bad. I want to take care of you both when you need it and to have endless movie nights together. Knowing I'd hop on a plane every time one of you were upset or hurt or sick was enough to tell me that my life in New York wasn't sustainable anymore. So, I quit. And I didn't tell you because I knew you'd try and talk me out of it because you think living in New York and working on Broadway is my dream but it's not. It never was. You, Mila and our family dynamic that we've got going on were my dream, and now my reality. I'd give up dance and work as a janitor if it meant living in Lima with you".
My eyes watered heavily at Brit's declaration I knew she meant every single word.
"I was supposed to leave on the 24th, but they decided for press reasons it would be better for my replacement to start her run on a Friday, so they let me go on the 23rd. When I found out I wasn't working that day, I thought I'd use the opportunity to bring you here, so we could have one last weekend in New York together. We've made so many memories here, so it felt right, although I'm sure we'll still visit from time to time".
I could still barely take this in.
"What about your apartment?"
"It's all sorted. It's no longer my apartment" Brit smiled "That's partially why we've been in a hotel all weekend".
"But you only just decorated your spare room for Mila and..."
"It was just a lick of paint on some old furniture and some new bedsheets San" Brittany laughed "I've packed all that up and it can come with me at a later date when I move everything properly, if Moo wants it. Obviously, I'm coming with you today and I'm going to have to get the rest of my belongings shipped over, but it's in storage for now and I'll deal with it later. I know you're going to ask about my car too, but plan is to leave it here 30 days, then I'll come back, fill it with some more stuff and drive to Ohio. It's all sorted babe, you don't need to worry. All I care about right now is getting on this flight and going back with you".
I smiled at Brittany's once again intuitive nature to know I would go through the motions and ask all these questions before letting myself get excited about this. I couldn't believe we were really fucking doing this.
"And of course, there's no pressure to move in together. I could just get my own place for now and..."
"WHAT!?" I exclaimed, having suddenly found my voice properly "There's no way you're doing that. You're moving in with me right away!"
Brittany pulled me in and nuzzled my nose.
"Good, because that's what I secretly wanted to hear".
Captured in Brit's embrace, all the emotions came at once and I felt the realisation that she actually was moving back to Lima with me, and that this was the start of our life together. Once I had that realisation, and the visions in my head of Brittany and I turning my house into a home for us, painting, decorating, cooking for each other, sleeping next to each other every night and waking up together every morning, curling up on the sofa and watching movies with Mila, I couldn't stop the tears and I pulled myself into her.
She must have felt the tears on her shoulder because she pulled back to look at me.
"Hey, don't cry!" she said softly, using the pads of her thumbs to wipe away my tears.
"I can't help it, I'm just...so happy, Brit".
At that statement, Brittany let a few tears of her own fall, and we held each other as we absorbed the reality of our new chapter.
When we pulled away, I looked at Brittany with a watery smile and she booped my nose.
"Come on, let's go home".
And this time, she meant it.