I do not own 50/50.

I do not want to have cancer.

What Now

"What now?"

What now.

What now.

He felt the grin spreading all over his face.

Felt the swell rising in his chest.

Felt the simple, complete, absolute joy of just being alive and not fucking dying of fucking cancer.

What now?

Everything. I want to do everything.

I want to eat pizza without getting nauseated.

I want to stay up all night but not because I'm staring into the void of my death.

I want to chug some soda and have to pee and burp and feel the release of gastric and abdominal pressure.

I want to watch some movie on the couch and not have to ache and stretch because my cancer back hurts too much to let me relax.

I want to hobble in over to the window and stare out into the darkness of night without feeling an empty, yawning hole in the pit of my stomach.

I want to kiss you and hug you and maybe at some point when we're both ready, have sex with you.

Real sex, not dying of fucking cancer frustration and pain sex.

I want to laugh with you and talk with you and sleep with you.

I want make pancakes for you.

Yeah, I remember what I said.

I also remember telling you I was peeing.

But that's okay because I'm not dying anymore.

I want to wake up in the morning and have Kyle give me shit about the unethical-ness of sleeping with my therapist even though you're not my therapist anymore.

I want to go to my follow up appointment and have the doctor tell me that all the clear fluids that are draining out of my wounds mean they're healing just fine.

I want the pain in my hip and pelvis to mean the muscles and my body are continuing to heal around the plastic.

I want to find a new job when this is all over because the old one just doesn't cut it for me anymore.

I want to go to Mitch's grave and tell him I beat the shit out of cancer and I'm sorry he didn't.

I want to check up on Alan because he's still fighting and I don't want him to give up.

I want to call my mom and listen to her talk incessantly for ten straight minutes because my mind is clearer than my dad's and I know she needs that and I want to give it to her because I can.

I want to listen to music and go to the park and physical therapy and plan vacations and actually take them.

I want to walk my dog and write an ad in the paper to put him up for sale because he was really Rachael's and not mine.

I want to eat bad food because it's delicious and good food because it's healthy for me.

I want laugh, I want to cry, I want to cum, and I want to

Live.

That's what I really want to do.

I want to live, Katherine.

I want to live for the rest of my life.

Every single bit of it.

Yeah.

"Well . . ."

Okay, well, that was an outpouring, huh?

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